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嘿。
Hey.
我是你的朋友梅尔，欢迎收听梅尔·罗宾斯播客。
It's your friend, Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.
今天我要跟你聊一件特别酷的事。
I have something so freaking cool to talk to you about today.
真高兴你来了，能和我在一起。
I'm so glad that you showed up and that you're here with me.
天哪。
Oh my god.
我自己在生活中用这个我们要聊的东西已经有一阵子了。
I have been using this thing that we're gonna talk about in my own life for a while now.
我的孩子们管它叫“随他们去理论”。
And my kids call it the Let Them Theory.
我一解释给你听，你马上就能完全明白，因为这是最简单、最让人解脱的思维转变，你一定会爱上它的。
The second I explain it to you, you're gonna get it completely because it is the simplest, most liberating mindset flip that you could ever know, and you're just gonna love it.
你能看出我有多兴奋吗？
Can you tell how excited I am?
我还很兴奋，因为今天要讲的方法有三种不同的应用方式，你都会学到。
I'm also excited because there are three different ways that you can use it in your life, and you're gonna learn all three ways today.
不过在开始之前，我想花点时间欢迎所有新来的听众。
But one more thing before we jump in, I just wanted to take a minute and say welcome to all of our new listeners.
欢迎加入梅尔·罗宾斯播客这个大家庭。
Welcome to the party that is the Mel Robbins podcast.
我们一直在等你，因为这里聚集了一群最棒的人。
We've been waiting for you because this is the best group of people.
他们积极向上，充满支持。
So positive, so supportive.
我们真心希望你过得好，很高兴你在这里。
We want the best for you, and we're so glad that you're here.
所以，无论你是听说了我们在韦比奖上获得的大奖，还是因为《早安美国》最近把梅尔·罗宾斯播客选为他们的首选播客，都谢谢你。
So whether you're here because you heard about the big award that we won at the Webbies or because Good Morning America just picked the Mel Robbins podcast as their top podcast choice recently, thank you.
谢谢你愿意来听。
Thank you for showing up.
我保证我们会好好照顾你。
I promise we're gonna take care of you.
现在我们来聊聊那个“随他们去”理论。
Now let's talk about that Let Them Theory.
其实，我可以给你举个完美的例子，就是上周末我是怎么用这个理论的。
In fact, I can give you the perfect example of how I use this thing from just this past weekend.
是这样的，那天是我们儿子奥克利的高中毕业舞会。
See, it was our son, Oakley's prom.
他读高二，我们去一个人家里拍舞会前的照片，结果突然下起雨来。
He's a junior in high school, and we went over to this person's house for pre prom photos, and it starts to rain.
而且不只是下雨。
And not just rain.
简直是倾盆大雨。
It is like a torrential downpour.
那种暴风雨让人忍不住说，真是太糟糕了。
The kind of storm where you go, that really sucks.
所以他们站在那里，当时是下午五点左右。
And so they're standing there, and it's about 05:00 at night.
舞会七点开始，孩子们开始聊起来。
Prom starts at seven, and the kids start talking.
那你们想吃什么晚饭？
So what do you wanna do for dinner?
我看着奥克利说，你们没有提前订位吗？
And I look at Oakley, and I say, You guys don't have a reservation somewhere?
他说，没有。
He goes, No.
然后我又问，那你们打算怎么办？
And I then said, Well, what are you gonna do?
要不要我打电话订？
Do you want me to call?
然后我就开始插手了，对吧，带着我的焦虑过度操心，这个我们之前在播客里聊过。
And I start then jumping in, right, and over functioning with my anxiety, which we have talked about before on this podcast.
孩子们慢慢围过来，有人说，那我们去牛油果坑怎么样？
And the kids are kind of gathering around and somebody goes, Well, why don't we go to Avocado Pit?
牛油果坑，简单介绍一下背景，就是一家特别棒的小墨西哥卷饼店。
Now, Avocado Pit, just to put this in context, is this little amazing taco place.
对吧？
Right?
里面大概只有六个座位。
It's got maybe six stables in it.
特别小。
It's tiny.
也就一个车库车位那么大。
It's the size of one stall of a garage.
就是说，只有一个停车位的大小。
So we're talking one car parking place.
有20个孩子穿着燕尾服和长裙，打扮得光鲜亮丽。
And there are 20 kids in tuxedos and long dresses, dressed to the nines.
外面下着倾盆大雨。
It is a torrential downpour outside.
他们毕业舞会的计划是去市中心一家快餐店，那家店最多只能站下六个人。
And their plans for prom are to go to a fast casual joint in the center of town that could maybe have six of them standing inside.
我立刻开始说，你们不能去牛油果坑。
And I immediately start going, you can't go to Avocado Pit.
你们会淋湿的。
You're gonna get wet.
我这是在控制什么。
What about am controlling.
我就是那种人。
I'm that person.
然后我女儿转向我，她说，妈妈，如果他们想去牛油果坑，就让他们去吧。
And my daughter turns to me, and she says, mom, if they wanna go to Avocado Pit, let them.
这是他的毕业舞会。
It's his prom.
不是你的毕业舞会。
It's not your prom.
随他们去吧。
Let them.
当她说“随他们去吧”的时候，我一下子就放手了。
And when she said, let them, it's as if I just went hands off.
这就像一个小小的提示，告诉我：好了，你又开始那样了。
It was this little cue that was like, okay, you're doing that thing.
梅尔，别再什么都想掌控了，顺着事情的发展走，换个方向试试。
Just turn from controlling everything, Mel, and let the current of what's happening take you in a different direction.
一旦你接受了“随他们去”的理念，你就能立刻意识到自己什么时候在控制别人，而其实你根本不需要那样做。
And immediately what happens when you adopt the let them theory is that you are able to catch yourself when you're controlling people, and you don't need to be.
你就能进入一种更顺其自然、更平和的状态，而不是让情绪把你搞得焦躁不安。
You are able to drop into a more surrender, peaceful feeling instead of letting your emotions rev you up.
我在生活中很多场合都会用到这个理论。
I use this thing in so many situations in my life.
到现在我基本数不清用了多少次了，但我给你举几个例子。
I've basically lost count at this point, but I'm gonna give you a few examples.
所以每当我开始感到被冷落或者心里不舒服的时候，我肯定会用上这个“随他们去”理论。
So whenever I start to feel left out or my feelings are hurt, I definitely tap the let them theory.
比如说，你有没有遇到过这种情况：一群朋友周末出去玩，却没叫你？
For example, have you ever been in a situation where a bunch of your friends go away for the weekend and you're not included?
哦，有点扎心，对吧？
Oh, kinda stings, right?
或者你的高尔夫球友们去旅行，没邀请你。
Or maybe your golfing buddies take a trip and you're not invited.
你可以跟自己说，嗯，只有四个位置，我去了就是第五个，或者有六对情侣，你知道的……但我知道这确实让人难受。
You can tell yourself, well, there's only four and I would be five or there's six couples and, you know, and then but I know it hurts.
这就是为什么你需要这个“随他们去”理论。
That's why you need the let them theory.
随他们去吧。
Let them.
如果他们四个人去打高尔夫，随他们去吧。
If they're going on a golfing trip for four, let them.
如果几对情侣一起出去玩，随他们去吧。
If a bunch of couples are going away, let them.
另一种用法是，当我因为别人感到沮丧，或者想改变他们的时候。
Another way that I use it, when I get frustrated with other people or I feel like I'm trying to change them.
叮叮叮，梅尔。
Ding, ding, ding, Mel.
随他们去吧理论。
Let Them Theory.
屡试不爽。
Works like a charm.
让控制狂梅尔也能释怀。
Makes Mel the control freak.
退一步。
Back off.
比如说，你的嫂子。
So your sister-in-law, for example.
假设她今年想办感恩节，但你一直是办感恩节的那个人。
Let's say she wants to host Thanksgiving this year, but you always host Thanksgiving.
随她去吧。
Let them.
周六早上，你很想清理车库，但你伴侣不太想干。
Saturday morning, you would love to clean out the garage, but your spouse doesn't really want to.
他们想去五金店逛逛。
They'd love to go to the hardware store.
随他们去吧。
Let them.
你的孩子不想再参加旅行棒球队了。
Your kid does not wanna be on the travel baseball team anymore.
随他们去吧。
Let them.
或者你那个朋友，那个老是跟烂人约会的人呢？
Or how about that friend of yours, the one that is constantly dating losers?
随她去吧。
Let them.
我来告诉你为什么。
I'll tell you why.
你已经花了上百个小时劝她别这样，劝她分手，劝她她值得更好的人。
You've already spent hundreds of hours trying to counsel her not to, trying to tell her to break up, trying to tell her that she's better than the person that she's dating.
有用吗？
Is it working?
没有。
No.
只会让她把你推开。
It just makes her push you away.
这只会让你觉得更失控。
It makes you feel less in control.
这让你变成一个爱管闲事的朋友。
It turns you into an overbearing friend.
这根本没用。
It doesn't work.
所以，如果你朋友想跟一个配不上她的烂人约会，就随她去吧。
So if your friend wants to date a loser that's beneath her, let her.
而且这个道理也适用于更大的事情。
And it works for bigger things too.
你的公司正在裁员。
Your company is doing layoffs.
没必要为此紧张兮兮的。
There's no need to get your knickers in a pinch.
让他们裁吧。
Let them do their layoffs.
有别的司机强行加塞？
Another driver is cutting into traffic?
让他加吧。
Let them.
当你学会放下那把剑，真的会感到无比轻松。
It's so liberating when you learn that you can drop the sword.
你完全可以放手。
You can just let go.
听到这些例子，是不是觉得这道理很简单，而且生活中还挺管用的？
And it does make sense, doesn't it, when you hear all these examples, how simple it is and how it could be pretty powerful in your life?
事实上，每个人都会在控制行为或控制欲上挣扎。
And the fact is every single human being struggles with controlling behavior or controlling thoughts.
这个简单的理论能帮你自我审视，让那种控制欲或身边烦人的事不再掌控你。
And this simple theory is a way that you can check yourself so that that controlling nature or the annoying stuff that's going on around you doesn't control you.
你知道吗，我开播前特意查了些研究资料，毕竟梅尔·罗宾斯最爱研究这些了。
You know, I was looking for some research right before I jumped on the mic because you know Mel Robbins loves her research.
我找到了一个特别酷的比喻，你可以用得上。
And I found this really cool analogy that you can use.
这个比喻来自一位心理学家，叫……
And it comes from a psychologist named Doctor.
艾米·约翰逊博士。
Amy Johnson.
她用一个画面来解释“随他们去”理论。
And she has this visual that explains the Let Them Theory.
她说，每当你进入控制模式时，想象自己在一艘非常非常小的船上，逆流而上划船。
She says whenever you go into control mode, imagine that you are in a tiny, tiny boat and you're paddling upstream.
你正在逆水行舟。
You are paddling against the current.
逆流划船是很吃力的。
It is hard to paddle against the current.
那是一场搏斗。
It is a fight.
这就是你试图控制别人时的感觉，对吧？
That is what it feels like when you're controlling other people, right, or you're trying to control them.
我在那次舞会前派对上就是这种感觉。
That's what it felt like for me at this prepom party.
因为当那些孩子随口聊着开车去鳄梨坑吃点东西时，我正握着桨，拼命逆流而上。
Because as these kids are casually talking about driving over to the avocado pit and grabbing a bite to eat, I've got my oars, and I'm fighting against that current.
我就在那儿说，但是但是但是，你应该准备别的啊。
And I'm like, but but but but but you should have had other things.
那这个怎么办？
But what about this?
但你的约会对象会把裙子弄湿的。
But you're gonna get your date's gonna get her dress wet.
搞什么啊，梅尔？
What the fuck, Mel?
所以约翰逊博士说，当你意识到自己在这么做时，你就是在逆流而上。
So what doctor Johnson says is that when you catch yourself doing it, you are fighting against the current.
你实际上是在自己心里逆流划桨，充满抗拒和挫败感。
You are literally paddling up emotion inside of you in resistance and frustration.
因为当你无法控制身边的人时，确实很让人沮丧。
Because it's frustrating when you can't control the people around you.
对吧？
Right?
这确实很让人沮丧。
It's frustrating.
这并不会让你获得更多控制权。
It doesn't create more control.
反而会让你感觉更失控。
It actually makes you feel less in control.
她说的是，你必须放手，想象自己松开船桨，把桨丢掉。
What she says is you must let go and visualize, hands off the oars, drop the oars.
然后在这种情况下，船会怎么样？它会做什么？
And what happens is the boat in that situation, what does it do?
船就掉头了。
It turns around.
当你放下桨，船就不再逆流而上，而是自然地顺着水流往下漂，随波逐流。
And instead of going upstream, when you drop the oars, the boat naturally just floats downstream with the current of how things are going.
你会发现同样的事情：与其跟眼前发生的事较劲，不如放下桨，顺其自然，这样你反而能获得内心的平静和轻松。
And you will notice the same thing, that instead of fighting what's happening, you are able to drop the oars and just surrender to what's going on, which creates peace and ease for you.
因为奥克利和他的朋友们想不想去那个鳄梨坑，真的重要吗？
Because does it matter if Oakley and his friends wanna go to the avocado pit?
当然不重要。
Of course not.
谁在乎呢？
Who gives a shit?
实际上，这说不定会成为舞会最难忘的回忆——大家挤在那家餐厅里，在倾盆大雨中排队买玉米卷。
In fact, it might be the most memorable part of prom, standing in the pouring rain, all of them crowded in this restaurant ordering tacos before the thing.
所以，更关键的是，我觉得我们都没意识到，自己浪费了多少精力、时间和力气，去试图控制那些根本无关紧要的事。
And so the bigger point here is I don't think any of us are aware of just how much energy and effort and time we waste on shit that we're trying to control.
而“随他们去”理论就像是一个你可以拉动的杠杆，让你在生活中获得更多的平静、轻松和爱，让你能顺着事情的潮流走，而不是与之对抗。
And the Let Them Theory is a lever that you can pull so you can create more peace and ease and love and all of it in your life so you can float with the current of things instead of battling it.
现在，我们的对话可能到这里就可以结束了，对吧，因为我知道你已经明白了。
Now I could probably stop our conversation right here, right, because I know you get it.
但关于“随他们去”理论，我用了它一段时间后发现了一件事。
But here's the thing about the Let Them Theory that I've discovered having used this thing for a while.
表面上理解它很容易，但我们才刚刚触及皮毛。
Just getting it at the surface is easy, but we've only just begun scratching the surface.
所以我想让你和我一起继续深入探讨这个话题。
So I want you and I to keep peeling back the layers on this topic.
首先，我想和你聊聊的是，我们到底为什么这么爱控制？
And the first thing I want you and I to talk about is why on earth are we so controlling?
为什么别人做的事会让我们那么生气？
Why do we get so upset about what other people are doing?
比如，前几天我很恼火，因为波士顿市政府决定给萨姆纳隧道内部刷漆，结果交通堵得一塌糊涂。
Like, for example, I was upset the other day because the city of Boston had decided to paint the inside of the Sumner Tunnel, and traffic was way backed up.
我坐在那辆优步车里，心里就想，他们干嘛非得五月搞这个？
And here I am sitting there in this Uber, and I'm like, why are they doing this in May?
这可是毕业季啊。
It's graduation season.
这儿有差不多42所大学呢。
There's, like, 42 colleges and universities.
我是说，这得是多蠢的人啊？
I mean, what kind of a moron?
梅尔，就让波士顿市政府搞他们的工程吧。
Mel, let the city of Boston do their construction project.
随他们去。
Just let them.
你没必要在优步后座把自己气到心脏病发作的程度。
You don't need to get yourself worked up to heart attack levels in the back of an Uber.
每当我们质疑、评判的时候，比如‘他们今天为什么取消学校？’
Wherever we question, wherever we judge, Why did they cancel school today?
今天不应该是个雪天。
It shouldn't be a snow day today.
就让他们停课吧。
Just let them cancel school.
也许他们知道一些你不知道的事。
Maybe they know something that you don't know.
也许有些情况你还没考虑到。
Maybe there's something going on that you haven't considered.
我跟你说过，这东西有很多用法，但咱们还是回到控制欲和为什么我们首先需要它这个话题上。
I told you there were so many ways to use this thing, but let's go back to the control and the fact that we need this in the first place.
事实上，你和我需要“随他们去”理论有三个原因。
And the truth is there are three reasons why you and I need the Let Them Theory.
第一个原因是，控制和反复琢磨某件事，本身就是一种焦虑。
And the first reason is because controlling and ruminating about something, it's a form of anxiety.
没错。
That's right.
你那种想要控制一切的欲望，其实是一种焦虑的表现。
Your need to control things is a form of anxiety.
当你对别人或自己的孩子管得太严，也许你就是那种控制欲很强的家长，或者你爱管闲事，管不住自己的嘴，或者脑子里总放不下某件事，又或者你总是对室友、女朋友、父母、甚至镇上的政治感到不满——这些都是一种焦虑。
When you're overbearing on people or your kids, maybe you are that overbearing parent, or maybe you're nosy or you can't keep your opinions to yourself or you can't stop thinking about something or you're constantly frustrated with your roommates or with your girlfriend or with your parents or with town politics.
这本身就是一种焦虑。
This is a form of anxiety.
因为你要记住，焦虑就像你身体里拉响的警报，告诉你出问题了。
Because remember, anxiety is an alarm inside you that's going off saying something's wrong.
实际上，有很多听众写信给我们节目，说他们的父母控制欲强到了近乎情感虐待的地步。
In fact, we have a lot of people who write into this show who say that their parents were so overbearing on the point of emotional abuse.
为什么呢？
Why?
原因有两个。
Well, because of two reasons.
第一，他们心里可能有很多恐惧。
Number one, they probably had a lot of fears.
当时有很多不确定性。
There was a lot of uncertainty.
他们希望你成功。
They wanted you to succeed.
他们希望你融入群体。
They wanted you to fit in.
他们希望你拥有最好的一切，比他们有更多的机会。
They wanted you to have the best of everything and more opportunities than they did.
所以他们不停地催你、催你、催你、催你。
And so they pushed you and pushed you and pushed you and pushed you.
人们这么做的第二个原因，是他们觉得这是一种爱的表现。
And the second reason why people do that is because they think it's a form of love.
觉得我催你、为你着想、把所有可能出问题的地方都考虑到、事无巨细地管着你——别忘了带伞、别忘了带午饭、做这个。
That if I push you, if I look out for the best for you, if I think about all the things that could go wrong and I micromanage you, don't forget your umbrella, don't forget your lunch, Do this.
做那个。
Do that.
选这种专业，你以为是在为别人好。
Be this kind of major that you think you are looking out for the best for somebody.
但实际上，你是在让人窒息。
But what you're actually doing is you're suffocating people.
我们之所以控制欲强，需要‘放手’理论，第二个原因是因为关注别人更容易。
The second reason why we are also controlling and why you need the let them theory is because it's easier to focus on other people.
你骗自己，觉得如果能控制别人，自己就能掌控一切。
You trick yourself into thinking that you're gonna be in control if you can control other people.
但事实并非如此，因为你根本控制不了别人。
It doesn't work that way because you can't control other people.
你可以操纵他们，让他们内疚。
You can manipulate them, You can guilt them.
你可以羞辱他们。
You can shame them.
你也可以夸他们。
You can compliment them.
你可以爱他们，但无法控制他们。
You can love them, but you can't control them.
明白吗？
Okay?
你能控制的人只有你自己。
The person that you can control is yourself.
每次你运用“随他们去”理论，就会立刻把控制焦点转向别人。
And every time you use the let them theory, you immediately reverse the focus of that control on everybody else.
然后把它拉回到自己身上。
And you turn it back on yourself.
我举个例子来说明。
I'll give you an example of that.
假设你的朋友这周末都出去了，好吗？
Let's say that your friends have gone away this weekend, okay?
你感到受伤了。
And your feelings are hurt.
如果你坐在那儿瞎担心，为什么
If you sit there and worry about it, Why
他们把我排除在外了。
did they It left me out.
我觉得被冷落了。
I feel left out.
我总是被冷落。
I'm always left out.
我做错了什么？
What did I do wrong?
等等之类的。
Blah, blah.
也许我该给他们发个消息。
Maybe I should text them.
也许我该说点什么。
Maybe I should say something.
也许我该……不。
Maybe I should No.
你知道你应该怎么做吗？
You know what you should do?
你应该让他们走开。
You should let them go away.
你应该让他们走开。
You should let them go away.
而且你应该停止关注他们在做什么。
And you should stop focusing on what they're doing.
因为一直纠结这件事，想着要怎么做才能控制局面，根本没用。
Because all this obsessing about it and thinking about what you need to do in order to control what's happening, it's not working.
其次，这让你分心，无法专注于真正该做的事——把注意力放回自己身上。
And secondly, it's distracting you from what you really need to do, which is put the focus back on yourself.
当你坐在那里的时候，问问自己：如果这件事让我这么难受，那我该怎么做才能主动经营友谊，让自己成为组织这些活动的人？
As you're sitting there, ask yourself, Well, if I'm this upset by it, what do I need to do to make sure that I am proactive about friendships, that I'm the one organizing these things?
这才是真正的力量所在。
That's where the real power is.
最后，第三个原因，你和我之所以会有这种控制行为，是因为它让我们逃避那些不想面对的事情。
And finally, the third reason why you and I engage in this controlling behavior is because it distracts us from what we don't wanna deal with.
你知道吗，我经常回想《舞会》里和奥克利的那件事。
You know, I stop and think a lot about that situation with Oakley in The Prom.
对，表面上听起来确实挺傻的。
And yeah, it sounds really dumb on the surface.
但当我真正对自己诚实的时候，我发现那种控制欲其实是被更深层、更情绪化的东西触发的，那是我内心深处的感受。
But when I really am honest with myself, all that controlling was triggered by something much deeper and more emotional that was going on for me beneath the surface.
我觉得所有那些陌生的事情都在提醒我，我身处一个全新的环境。
And I think all of the things that felt unfamiliar reminded me that I'm in a new place.
从舞会前的拍照派对回来后，我对克里斯说，你知道吗，我其实有点难过，因为我怀念认识所有那些孩子的感觉。
And when we got home from that, pre prom photo party, I turned to Chris and I said, You know, I'm really kind of sad because I miss knowing all the kids.
我也怀念认识所有那些家长的感觉。
And I miss knowing all the parents.
我还怀念看到那些我从小看着长大的孩子，现在穿着燕尾服，都长大了。
And I miss seeing kids that I have known since they were in diapers, all grown up in tuxes.
我想我只是有点难过。
And I think I'm just kind of sad.
我之所以控制奥克利去哪里吃饭，是因为那一直是老家舞会体验的一部分。
And I'm controlling where Oakley is going to eat, because that was something that was always part of the prom experience back home.
所以很多时候，这种控制或执念的触发，是因为你习惯了事情原本的样子，而对不确定性感到不安，于是你就跳进去，开始这样做。
And so a lot of times the controlling or the obsessing is triggered by the way that you're used to things being, and you're uncomfortable with the uncertainty, which is why you jump in and you do this.
我希望你把这个例子记在心里。
I want you to hold on to that example in your mind.
因为当我们进一步讨论运用“随他们去”理论的具体三种方式时，我相信你接下来听到的内容，会在你生活中那个你紧握船桨、逆流而上、与水流抗争、已经感到疲惫的领域，带来巨大的改变。
Because as you and I talk more about the specific three ways that you can use the Let Them Theory, I am certain that what you're gonna hear is gonna make a huge difference in that area of your life where you're gripping that oar and you're paddling upstream and you're fighting the current and you're tired of it.
因为事实上，你可以把“随他们去”理论用在几乎任何事情上。
Because the truth is you can use the Let Them Theory for just about anything.
99%的情况下，当你感觉自己试图控制某个局面或另一个人时，我希望你运用“随他们去”理论。
And 99% of the time when you feel yourself trying to control a situation or another human being, I want you to use the Let Them Theory.
我希望你对自己说，我爸妈不想来感恩节。
I want you to literally say to yourself, My mom and dad don't want to come to Thanksgiving.
随他们去吧。
Let them.
我嫂子不想去参加某某的宝宝派对。
My sister-in-law doesn't want to go to so and so's baby shower.
随她去吧。
Let her.
我儿子或女儿不想去读医学院？
My son or daughter doesn't wanna go to medical school?
随他们去吧。
Let them.
我老公不想为我报名的铁人三项训练？
My husband doesn't wanna train for this triathlon that I've signed up for?
随他去吧。
Let them.
我的室友不想跟我一起过‘无酒一月’？
My roommates don't wanna do dry January with me?
随他们去。
Let them.
别再强迫别人做你想让他们做的事了，这样你的生活才会平静很多。
Stop trying to force other people to do what you want them to do, and so much more peace will come into your life.
而且，你也会把原本用来盯着孩子扔牛油果核的那股劲儿、焦虑和挫败感，收回来用在别的事情上。
And you will also take that exact same energy and angst and frustration that you were aiming at your kid going to the avocado pit, and you will have it to put towards something else.
这真的很强大，所以我想花点时间好好拆解一下。
It's really powerful, and that's why I wanna take the time to truly unpack this.
所以在我告诉你三种使用它的方法之前，我想先给你三个注意事项，好吗？
So before I tell you the three different ways you can use this, I wanna give you, though, three caveats, okay?
因为‘随他们去’理论基本上就是，你打算说，好吧，放下船桨，我不干了。
Because the Let Them Theory is basically where you're gonna go, you know, drop the oars, I'm out.
我就让你去做吧。
I'm just gonna let you do it.
我不会再为这事操心了。
I'm not gonna worry about it.
我不会再抱怨了。
I'm not gonna bitch about it.
我不会再试图控制它了。
I'm not gonna try to control it.
我就随他们去吧，好吗？
I'm just gonna let them, okay?
但有三类情况，我不希望你这么做，我希望你站出来，明白吗？
But there's three moments in time where I don't want you to do that, where I want you to step up, okay?
我想提前把这些说清楚，因为我知道很多人会问，那这种情况怎么办？
And I wanna cover these the bat because I know so many of you are gonna be like, but what about this?
所以让我先把这三种情况讲清楚。
So let me just say these three situations upfront.
如果有人在做危险的事，或者他们在歧视你，那就别让他们得逞。
If somebody is doing something dangerous or they are discriminating against you, do not let them do that.
比如说，如果你的朋友或家人喝了几杯酒，千万别让他们开车。
So for example, if you've got a buddy or a family member that's had a couple drinks, don't let them get behind the wheel of a car.
那种时候可不是放下船桨随波逐流的时候。
That's not a time to drop the oars and just go with the flow.
如果你看到有人骚扰别人或歧视别人，就要站出来说话。
If you see someone harassing someone or discriminating against someone, speak up.
你不能眼睁睁看着这种事发生。
You don't just let that happen.
第二种不能放任不管的情况，就是你需要提出要求或者维护自己的权利。
The second example of where you're not gonna just let them do whatever they're gonna do, that's where you need to ask for something or you gotta advocate for your own rights.
关于这一点，我要给你讲一个非常重要的例子。
And I'm gonna give you a really important example about this.
一定要谈薪资。
Always negotiate your salary.
别对方第一次出价你就直接接受了。
Do not just let the first offer be what you accept.
我不是在开玩笑，这一点你一定要听进去，因为2023年皮尤研究中心做过一项研究。
I'm not kidding about this, and this is really important for you to hear because there was a Pew Research study that was done this year in 2023.
百分之六十的受访者表示，他们在上一份工作中根本没有去谈薪资。
Sixty percent of people surveyed said in their past job, they didn't even negotiate their salary.
公司给多少他们就拿多少。
They just let the company pay them whatever.
千万别这么做。
Do not do that.
明白吗？
Okay?
所以，如果你需要争取自己的权益或者为自己发声，千万别让别人替你做决定，好吗？
So if you're in a situation where you need to ask for what you need or advocate for yourself, do not let somebody just to decide those things, okay?
你得站出来，主动掌控局面。
You got to step up and you got to take control in that situation.
最后，如果有人一再越界，别让他们得逞。
And finally, if somebody is continuously crossing your boundaries, don't let them do that.
如果你已经表达过，也明确过，那就得守住自己的界限。
If you've expressed them, if you've defined them, you need to hold your boundary.
别让他们把你当脚垫一样随便踩。
Do not let them just walk all over you like a doormat.
我想特别强调一种界限，就是当你身为父母时需要的那些界限。
And one specific boundary that I wanna highlight is boundaries that you need when you're the one who's the parent.
我知道之前提到过控制欲强的父母，但作为三个成年孩子的家长，我理解你们这些父母，也明白你们不能让孩子随便逃学。
Now, I know that I already said something about overbearing parents, but being a parent of three adult children, I see you parents out there, and I realize you just can't let your kids blow off school.
你不能让他们不做作业、不吃蔬菜，或者不帮忙做家务。
You can't let them not do their homework or not eat their vegetables or not help out around the house.
作为父母，你的职责就是设立界限，建立护栏。
Your job as a parent is to create boundaries, to put up guardrails.
所以继续做下去吧。
So keep doing it.
当你发现自己强迫孩子成为你的缩小版，不让他们做自己时，就该用“随他们去”理论了。
The Let Them Theory is what you're gonna use when you realize that you're forcing your kids to be a mini version of yourself and you're not letting them be themselves.
比如说，如果孩子有一些你不喜欢的兴趣，比如打游戏、搞戏剧或者玩你从来没接触过的运动，那就随他们去吧。
Like for example, if they have interests that you don't like, like video games or theater or some sport you've never played, let them.
让他们表达自己的观点。
Let them express their opinions.
让他们做自己。
Let them express themselves.
让他们去搞戏剧，而不是踢足球。
Let them do theater instead of football.
让他们主修心理学，而不是经济学。
Let them major in psychology instead of economics.
因为如果你不让他们追求自己真正热爱的东西，你就是在扼杀他们。
Because if you don't let them pursue their individual passions, you are suffocating them.
而且你是在告诉他们，他们最本真的样子是不被接受的。
And you're telling them that who they are at their core is not okay.
还有一件事你可以让孩子去做，那就是让他们自己洗衣服。
Another thing you can let your kids do, let them do their laundry.
让他们把牛仔裤的颜色染到卫衣上，让所有衣服都变成那种奇怪的蓝灰色。
Let them have the jeans bleed into the sweatshirts and have all that kind of weird bluish gray color be the color of every piece of their clothing.
想知道为什么吗？
You wanna know why?
因为你的孩子很快就会意识到，他们不喜欢自己的衣服变成那样。
Because your kids are gonna figure out really quickly, they don't like their clothes to look like that.
所以，当你允许他们用错误的方式做事时，他们反而更愿意去学正确的方法。
And so when you let them do things the wrong way, they tend to want to learn to do them the right way.
最重要的是，让孩子拥有自己的情绪。
And most importantly, let your kids have their emotions.
让他们发脾气。
Let them throw a tantrum.
让他们感到难过。
Let them feel sad.
让他们不去参加睡衣派对。
Let them not go to the sleepover.
他们需要和你保持距离。
They need that space from you.
这就是你可以运用‘随他们去’理论的方式：在重要的时候设置护栏，但在孩子们需要空间做自己时，放下这些护栏，给他们自由。
And that's the way you can use the let them theory to put up the guardrails when it's important, but to let them down and to give your kids space when they need space to be themselves.
好了。
Alright.
有了这三个重要的前提，接下来我们就直接进入第一个具体方法，教你从今天开始运用‘随他们去’理论。
With those three giant caveats, you and I are gonna jump into the first specific way that you can start using the Let Them Theory today.
但在那之前，我们先听一段赞助商的简短介绍，因为他们让我能免费为大家带来这些内容。
But before we do that, we're gonna hear a short word from our sponsors because they allow me to bring this to you for zero cost.
我们很喜欢我们的赞助商。
We love our sponsors.
所以，让他们来告诉你他们为什么这么棒吧。
So let's let them tell you a little bit about why they're so cool.
等我们回来之后，再讲三个方法，教你如何运用‘随他们去’理论，重新掌控生活，找回内心的平静。
And then when we return, the three ways you are gonna use the Let Them Theory to bring more control and peace back into your life.
欢迎回来。
Welcome back.
我是梅尔·罗宾斯，今天我要教你们一个理论，叫做“随他们去”理论。
I'm Mel Robbins, and I'm teaching you a theory called the Let Them Theory.
我刚才解释了，“随他们去”理论是在你感觉自己控制欲上升的时候使用的。
And I just explained that the Let Them Theory is used in a moment where you feel yourself ramping up the control.
你完全被卡住了。
You're just wrapped around the axle.
你心里特别纠结。
Your knickers are in a pinch.
你简直不敢相信某某人做了这种事，或者你一直在想这件事。
You can't believe so and so did such and such Or you're just thinking about it.
他们为什么不邀请我？
Why didn't they invite me?
为什么大家都聚在一起？
Why does everybody get together?
为什么我的室友总是这样？
Why does my roommate always do this?
她来城里了，却没给我打电话。
She was in town and she didn't call me.
随他们去吧。
Let them.
随他们去吧。
Let them.
别人可以做自己。
Other people get to be themselves.
别人可以自己做决定。
Other people get to make decisions.
“随他们去”理论是你处理自己焦虑的一种方式。
The let them theory is a way for you to address your own anxiety.
它是让你允许别人做自己的方法。
It is a way for you to let people be who they are.
这是一种让你不去管别人的事、专注自己的事的方法，也是一种让你获得内心平静、停止那种不由自主想要控制或评论身边每个人的冲动的方式。
It is a way for you to get out of other people's business and stick to your own business, and it is a way for you to create emotional peace and to stop this reflexive need to control or comment on everyone around you.
我想到我丈夫。
I think about my husband.
我以前总是很烦，因为他思考问题特别慢。
I used to get so annoyed because the guy's a slow processor.
他思考的时候，你几乎能听到他脑子里的齿轮在转。
You had to almost hear the wheels turning as he's thinking about something.
而且他问题特别多。
And he asks a lot of questions.
以前这真的让我快疯了。
And it used to drive me fucking crazy.
我总想说，你能不能快点说出来？
I just would be like, could you spit it out?
比如，你在想什么呢？
Like, you know, what are you thinking about?
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后来我意识到，我需要他那样，因为我做事像光速一样快。
And I realized I need him to be that way Because I am moving at the speed of light.
我们俩总得有一个人脚踏实地。
One of us has to have our feet on the ground.
总得有一个人认真思考每个决定。
One of us has to be thinking through decisions.
总得有一个人确保账单付清、狗能去看兽医，以及我们做的每件事都经过深思熟虑。
One of us has to make sure that the bills get paid and the dog gets to the vet and that the things that we're doing are thought through.
所以我就用“随他们去”理论，让克里斯做他自己，不再指责他，也不再试图控制他。
And so I use the Let Them Theory to just let Chris be who he is and stop making him wrong and stop trying to control him.
这当然也让他更平静了。
And it certainly creates more peace for him.
那我们来聊聊，你可以在生活中运用“随他们去”理论的三种方式。
So let's talk about the three ways that you are going to use the let them theory in your life.
第一种是抽离。
The first one is detachment.
用‘随他们去’理论，让自己从纠结别人怎么做或事情本该怎样的情绪和内心挣扎中抽离出来。
Use the Let Them Theory to detach yourself from the emotional or mental struggle that you get yourself into when you're thinking about either what other people are doing or how things should be going.
这戳中了我们所有人的痛点。
This strikes a nerve for all of us.
你知道吗，我看了我们在Instagram上发的帖子，今天早上已经有9800条评论了。
You know, when I looked at the post that we did on Instagram, there were 9,800 comments this morning on this thing.
这个帖子才发了一周。
It's only been up for a week.
可见它有多触动人心。
That's how much has struck a nerve.
一周内9800条评论。
9,800 comments in one week.
太不可思议了。
That's incredible.
Sufema在Instagram上写了这个。
Sufema wrote this on Instagram.
梅尔，我浪费了很多时间和精力，因为对别人抱有期待而感到自己不够好。
I've wasted a lot of time, Mel, and energy feeling inadequate due to my expectations of other people.
这很痛苦。
It hurts.
但我学会了有意识地选择，不管他们怎么做，我都要继续做我自己。
Yet I've learned to make the conscious choice to keep doing me regardless of their behavior.
要做到这一点真的很难。
It's fucking hard to be good at this.
这需要练习。
It requires practice.
我们都会在这方面遇到困难，因为，当然，你是有期待的。
We all have trouble with this because, of course, you have expectations.
我给你举个例子。
I'll give you an example.
你有没有参加过婚礼？
Have you ever gone to a wedding?
比如你去参加一场婚礼，很多大学时期或者某个阶段的朋友都会到场，你特别兴奋，以为大家会坐在一起。
And it's a wedding where a lot of your friends from college or a certain, like, period of your life are gonna be there, And you're so excited because you think that you're all gonna be seated together.
到了婚礼现场，你走到那个现在很流行的座位卡展示区，大家都在那里找自己的桌号。你抽出卡片一看，上面写着‘11号桌’。
And you go to the wedding and you go up to that beautiful display that people do now where everybody's cards are, like, in a place to find out where you're sitting and you pull out your card and you're like, We're at Table 11.
你们在几号桌？
Where are you guys?
或者‘3号桌’。
Or like, We're at Table 3.
‘4号桌’。
We're at Table 4.
或者‘4号桌’。
Or, We're at Table 4.
然后你发现，所有朋友都坐在一起，唯独你被分开了。
And you realize all your friends are sitting together but you.
那种时候，我真想把卡片偷偷换掉。
And in those moments, I want to try to switch cards.
我会让新郎新娘难堪的。
I'll make the bride and groom wrong.
我想让他们……
I want to let them.
让他们……
Let them.
这是他们的婚礼。
It's their wedding.
让他们做自己想做的事吧。
Let them do what they want.
与其感到受伤、沮丧，或者隔着舞池眼巴巴地望着那桌朋友，心里想：我他妈怎么跟二姨和表亲们坐一桌？
Instead of feeling hurt, instead of feeling bummed, instead of looking over that table across the dance floor longingly and thinking, Why the fuck am I with the second aunt and the cousins?
哦，我明白了，因为我能跟任何人聊天。
Oh, I know, because I can talk to anybody.
我现在就能想象到那个画面。
I can see it right now.
他们就坐在那儿。
They're sitting there.
哦，梅尔和克里斯跟谁都能聊。
Oh, Mel and Chris can talk to anybody.
那就把他们安排在这儿吧。
We'll stick them over here.
我一边眼巴巴地望着舞池对面，一边在心里编故事。
As I'm looking longingly across the dance floor, and I'm making up a story.
他们那边玩得开心多了。
They're having way more fun.
我心想，不行。
I'm like, No.
随他们去吧。
Let them.
让新郎新娘做他们想做的事。
Let the bride and groom do what they needed to do.
让朋友们去做他们想做的事。
Let the friends do what they're needing to do.
就随他们去吧。
Just let them.
因为你自己内心制造的那些情绪波动，真的能帮你享受那个“不”吗？
Because does that emotional turmoil that you create inside yourself, does it actually help you enjoy the no.
它能改变你坐的位置吗？
Does it change where you're sitting?
不能。
No.
所以，随他们去吧。
So let them.
这就像一种彻底的接纳，而且很难做到。
It's like a form of radical acceptance, and it is hard.
很难，因为我觉得我们总是习惯性地抓着期望不放，或者抓着受伤、委屈的感觉不放，或者对事情应该怎样有自己的看法——比如太热了之类的。
It's hard because I think we default to holding on to our expectations or holding on to feeling hurt or wronged or having an opinion about how things should it's too hot.
他们为什么要这么做？
Why are they doing it?
随他们去吧。
Let them.
随他们去吧。
Let them.
如果美联航想从飞机尾部开始登机，那就随他们去吧。
If United Airlines wants to board from the back of the plane, let them.
谁在乎你多花了钱买额外腿部空间？
Who cares that you paid extra for extra legroom?
你照样能享受到。
You're still gonna get it.
让他们做他们需要做的事。
Let them do what they need to do.
还有一条评论：有个朋友告诉我，她非常难过和失望，因为另一个朋友没等她，自己去了一趟她们本应一起去的旅行。
Here's another comment: A friend told me that she was so upset and disappointed that another friend had gone without her on a trip that she thought they were supposed to take together.
天哪，她真是钻牛角尖了！
My God was she fixated on it!
她就是放不下这件事！
She just couldn't let it go!
这正是跟你朋友聊聊“随他们去”理论的好机会。
This is the perfect opportunity to tell your friend about the Let Them Theory.
你听说过“随他们去”理论吗？
Have you heard about the Let Them Theory?
说不定人家不是不想跟你一起去，只是需要一点独处的时间。
For all you know, it's not that they didn't want to go with you, it's that they just needed time alone.
那就让他们自己去旅行呗。
So let them take the trip alone.
你干嘛什么事都这么较真呢？
Why do you have to be so offended about everything?
你干嘛什么事都他妈这么受伤呢？
Why do you have to be so fucking hurt about everything?
各位，不是所有事情都那么严重或那么深奥。
Not everything's that serious or that deep, everybody.
当你为某件事感到焦虑或烦躁时，就让人家去做他们该做的事吧。
When you're getting yourself worked up about something, you're getting yourself annoyed about something, let people do what they need to do.
这就是所谓的抽离。
So that's detachment.
我再给你举个例子。
And I can give you another example.
你知道吗，我刚搬到佛蒙特州的时候，是2020年3月搬来的，后面的事就不用多说了。
You know, when I first moved to Vermont, we moved here in March 2020, say no more.
所以那几年有旅行限制，这限制了我们家人来访的可能性。
And so there were travel restrictions for a couple years, and that limited anybody's ability to visit us.
但现在奥克利都上高二了，我父母还是没来过。
But it's now going on Oakley's junior year, and my parents have still yet to visit.
我对此真的很受伤，也很沮丧，心想，等等。
And I was really hurt by this and really upset by it, thinking, wait a minute.
他现在都高中三年级了，他们还没来看过我们住的地方？
Like, he's now a junior in high school, and they haven't come to see where we live?
我就一直跟自己说，随他们去吧。
Like and I kept saying, just let them.
随他们去吧。
Just let them.
他们有他们的理由。
They have their reasons.
继续邀请他们，然后随他们去。
Just keep inviting them and let them.
后来我终于明白了，因为我没有再为此难过，而是直接跟我妈聊了一次，她说，我就是不喜欢那个州。
And what I finally realized, because instead of being upset about it, I just had a conversation with my mom about it, is she said, I just don't like that state.
我问她，为什么？
And I said, Why?
她给我讲了个故事，说她小时候，她的父母把她留在家庭农场跟外婆一起，然后带着她姐姐去佛蒙特州处理跟眼睛手术有关的事情。
And she told me this story about how when she was really little, her parents left her at the family farm with her grandmother, and they went to the state of Vermont with her older sister to do something related to an eye surgery.
他们不在的时候，我的曾祖母就在我妈身边倒地去世了。
And while they were gone, my great grandmother dropped dead next to my mom.
等我外公外婆，也就是她的父母回来，他们对她说的第一句话就是：‘你怎么不多帮帮她？’
And when my grandparents, her parents came home, one of the first things they said to her is, Why didn't you do more to help her?
你想想，听到这种话是什么感受？
I mean, can you imagine hearing that?
难怪她讨厌那个州。
No wonder she hates the state.
所以当我看到这个故事，我明白了，这跟我没关系。
And so when I see that story, I see this isn't about me.
这是别的原因。
This is about something else.
让别人做他们需要做的事。
Let people do what they need to do.
当你给别人空间，让他们按自己的方式舒服地做事，他们最终会回心转意的。
When you give people the space to do things in a way that makes them feel comfortable, eventually they come around.
果然，他们一个月后就要来了，我都等不及了。
And sure enough, they're going to be here in a month and I can't wait.
但你必须给他们空间。
But you gotta let them.
让他们有时间整理自己的东西。
Let them have the space to sort through their stuff.
好的。
Alright.
现在感觉是个好时机，让我们的赞助商说几句话。
Right now feels like a really good time to let our sponsors have a little word.
让他们给你介绍他们的酷产品和优质服务。
So let them tell you about their cool products and services.
等我们回来，我会分享第二种方法，让你在生活中运用这个理论。
And when we return, I'm gonna share the second way you can use this theory in your own life.
我们马上回来。
We'll be right back.
欢迎回来。
Welcome back.
我是梅尔·罗宾斯。
I'm Mel Robbins.
今天，我们要聊的是“让他们理论”。
And today, you and I are talking about the Let Them Theory.
那我们来谈谈这个理论的第二种用法。
So let's talk about the second way you're gonna use this theory.
这个可能有点棘手，因为这时候你真的需要退一步，让别人去失败。
And this can be a little trickier because this is when you really need to take a step back and you gotta let people fail.
你得给别人成长的空间、学习的空间，以及为自己生活中某些事情承担个人责任的空间。
And you've gotta give people the room to grow, the room to learn, and the room to take personal responsibility for something in their life.
我来举几个例子。
And I'm going to give you a couple examples of this.
我儿子上五年级的时候，他在波士顿附近一所很棒的学校上学，那所学校专门针对语言学习差异的学生。
So when our son was in fifth grade, he went to this incredible school outside of Boston that focuses on language based learning differences.
比如阅读障碍、书写障碍这类问题。
So like dyslexia, dysgraphia, that kind of stuff.
我永远不会忘记，他们说过，如果你忘了带午餐，就别送了。
And I'll never forget, they said, if you forget their lunch, don't bring it.
他们不会饿着，但别送过去。
They're not gonna go hungry, but don't bring it.
因为我们想教他们的很重要一点是，他们有能力自己建立记住事情的系统。
Because so much of what we're trying to teach them is that they are capable of creating systems to remember things.
如果他们总是忘事，而你去救场，他们就永远学不会这一点。
And if they constantly forget things and you rescue them, they're never gonna learn that.
正是在忘记、在那种懊恼、在没做某事的后果中，你才会意识到这件事对你很重要，然后你才会建立系统和流程去真正完成它。
It's in the forgetting, it's in the sting, it's in the consequence of not doing something that you learn that this is important to you and you create systems and processes to actually do it.
所以如果他们忘了带午餐，就让他们忘吧。
And so if they forget their lunch, let them.
如果他们忘了工作申请的截止日期，就让他们忘吧。
If they forget an application deadline for a job, let them forget.
为什么？
Why?
因为他们需要吸取这个教训。
Because they needed to learn that lesson.
而这是这个道理最难应用的地方。
And here's the hardest application of this on the planet.
如果你身边有人正在和成瘾作斗争，任何经历过这种事的人都会告诉你，没有人会在准备好之前戒掉。
If you have somebody in your life that's struggling with addiction, anybody who has dealt with this will tell you, nobody gets sober until they're ready to.
如果有人复发了，就让他们复发吧。
If somebody relapses, let them.
这真的是一个非常非常难以接受的事情。
And this is a really, really, really hard thing to grasp in your life.
每次你那个不擅长理财的妹妹遇到困难，你借钱帮她渡过难关，你知道结果是什么吗？
Every time that you bail your sister out who's terrible with money and you loan her money, you know what happens?
她还是会继续乱花钱。
She continues to be terrible with money.
有时候，你需要经历11张支票跳票的刺痛，或者房子被抵押的教训，就像我和克里斯在2000年左右遇到的那样。
Sometimes you need the sting of 11 bounced checks or the lien on the house, which is what happened to Chris and I back in 2000 whatever.
我记得他向他哥哥借钱，他哥哥说，对不起。
I remember he asked his brother to loan him some money, and he said, I'm sorry.
如果我不给你这笔钱，导致生意失败、你破产，那就这样吧。
If me not giving you this money is the reason why the business fails and you go bankrupt, then so be it.
但我不能帮你摆脱困境。
But I can't bail you out.
你得自己想办法解决。
You gotta figure out how to do this yourself.
为什么？
Why?
因为克里斯的失败不是他的责任。
Because he wasn't responsible for Chris's failure.
是克里斯自己的责任。
Chris was.
而且他也没有责任去救他。
And he wasn't responsible for rescuing him.
克里斯才有这个责任。
Chris was.
如果你总是去救别人，你就是在告诉他们，他们没有能力自救。
And when you constantly rescue people, you're teaching them that they're not capable of rescuing themselves.
所以下次再接到那种哭哭啼啼的电话，有人要借钱，有人忘了东西，有人又想转学，别去掌控局面。
And so the next time you get that whiny phone call from somebody that needs money or somebody that forgot something or somebody that wants to transfer yet again, don't control the situation.
鼓励他们，说：如果你想做，那很好。
Gear them out and say, if you wanna do that, great.
我会为你加油，支持你。
I'll support you by cheering you on.
但你自己得去处理那些文件。
But you're gonna have to do the paperwork.
你得自己想办法摆脱债务。
You're gonna have to figure out how to get out of debt.
你得等到自己准备好戒掉的时候再来找我。
You're gonna have to come to me when you're ready to get clean.
你得让他们自己去做。
You gotta let them do it themselves.
关于这一点，还有一件事要说。
And here's one more thing on that.
每次你救别人，其实是在剥夺他们成长的机会。
Every time you rescue somebody, you rob them of the opportunity to grow.
每次你插手解决问题，都会让对方变得更弱、更依赖你。
Every time you step in and you make the problem go away, you make the person a little weaker and more dependent on you.
所以，如果你真的希望别人发掘自己内心的力量，没错，有时候是需要支持他们。
So if you truly want somebody to tap into the strength inside themselves, yes, there is a time to support people.
但如果有人反复犯同样的错误，比如总忘带午饭，或者总跟同一个有毒的混蛋约会，那就随他们去吧。
But if somebody keeps relapsing, if somebody keeps forgetting their lunch, if somebody keeps dating the same toxic fucking person, let them.
因为最终，这条路是走不通的。
Because eventually, it's not gonna work.
然后他们就会来找你，向你求助。
And then they're gonna come to you and ask for help.
当他们来的时候，他们就已经准备好接受了。
And when they do, they'll be ready to accept it.
如果你用“让他们自己来”这个理论，事情肯定会轻松很多。
It's certainly gonna be easier on you when you use the let them do it theory.
这就引出了“让他们自己来”理论的第三种用法。
And that brings me to the third way that you're gonna use the let them theory.
这一点真的很难做到。
And this one is really difficult.
让他们做自己。
Let them be themselves.
当你允许别人做真实的自己，不再试图改变他们时，你会发现，在很多友情和感情关系中，你其实爱的是他们的潜力。
When you let somebody just be who they actually are and you stop trying to make them something else, you realize in so many friendships and so many relationships, you actually are in love with their potential.
你并没有和真实的那个他们在一起。
You're not in a relationship with who the person really is.
你一直忙着控制对方、试图改变他们，以至于都没意识到你爱的是他们的潜力。
And you've been so busy controlling and trying to change them that you don't even recognize that you're in a relationship with their potential.
而当你允许别人做真实的自己时，哇，你才能真正看清你面对的是谁。
And when you let somebody be who they actually are, wow, it allows you to understand who you're actually dealing with.
当你把注意力放在别人的潜力上，开始试图控制、操纵，希望他们达到那个潜力、改变或变得不同，你其实并没有让他们做自己。
When you focus on someone's potential and you start to try to control and manipulate and want them to reach that potential or change or be different, you're not letting them be themselves.
这不仅对对方来说很糟糕，因为被这样对待的感觉一点都不好。
And that not only sucks for the other person, because there's nothing that feels good about being on the receiving end of that.
别穿那双鞋。
Don't wear those shoes.
你需要带把伞。
You need an umbrella.
你为什么要那样做？
Why are you doing that?
嗯，你应该用那个来训练。
Well, you you should train with that.
你该减减肥了。
You should lose some weight.
你为什么要吃麸质？
Why are you eating gluten?
拜托。
Come on.
你愿不愿意陪我去看这部电影？
Won't you go to this movie with me?
你为什么非得老做那件事？
Why do you have to always do that thing?
那种感觉不好受，对吧？
That doesn't feel good, does it?
让他们做自己吧。
Let them be themselves.
停下来想一想。
Stop and think.
你真的是在和对方现在的样子谈恋爱吗？
Are you truly in a relationship with the person as they are?
还是说，你只是在和你希望他们成为的样子谈恋爱？
Or are you in a relationship with who you wish they were?
如果你心里总在抱怨，希望他们改变什么，而不是让他们做自己，那你就知道事实确实如此。
And you know that that's true if you're constantly in your mind griping about what you wish they would change instead of letting them be themselves.
如果你能意识到，自己总是在和潜力约会，总是在维持一段希望会变好的友谊，你就会明白，你根本没有真正接纳对方现在的样子。
And if you can catch this, that you're always dating the potential, that you're always in a friendship that you hope will improve, you'll realize that you're not even present with the person as they are.
当你给别人做自己的自由时，猜猜会发生什么？
And when you give somebody the freedom to be themselves, guess what happens?
你会看到他们真实的样子。
You see who they really are.
我能想到自己经历过的很多关系，其中我花了很多时间抱怨那些我不喜欢的行为。
I can think of a lot of relationships that I've been in where I spent a lot of time griping about behaviors I didn't like.
当你忙着抱怨他们喝太多酒、有药物问题、不够有野心、不像你希望的那样、你希望他们多锻炼、受不了他们的短发希望留长、讨厌他们的家人、不喜欢他们做的某件事、或者性生活很糟糕时，你其实是在分散自己的注意力。
When you distract yourself by griping about the fact that they drink too much or they have a drug problem or, you know, they're not as ambitious or you'd like or you wish they worked out or you can't stand their short hair and you wish they grew it longer or you hate their family or you don't like that thing that they do or the sex is really bad.
你其实并没有真正和他们在一起。
You're not really with them.
你满脑子都是那些你不喜欢的地方，以及你希望他们改变的地方，所以你实际上是在和那些你不喜欢的东西谈恋爱，因为你的注意力全在那上面。
You're so focused on all the things that you don't like and the things that you wish you would change that you're in a relationship with the things you don't like because that's what you're focused on.
当你这样分散自己的注意力时，你就无法面对现实。
And when you distract yourself like that, it keeps you from addressing the reality.
而现实是，你可能根本就不是和一个你真正想在一起的人在一起。
And the reality is you're probably not with somebody that you actually wanna be with.
你只是忙着抱怨那些你希望改变的事情，并欺骗自己，以为它们真的可能会改变。
You've just kept yourself busy griping about what you wish would change and deluding yourself into thinking that it actually might change.
它们不会改变的。
It's not going to.
你必须让他们做自己，这样你才能面对一个人的真实面貌。
You've got to let them be who they are so that you can deal with the reality of who someone is.
当你终于面对一个人的真实面貌时，你才能做出一个明智的选择，关于你自己是谁，以及你真正需要什么。
And when you finally deal with the reality of who someone is, then you can make a great choice about who you really are and what you really need.
我们试图控制别人的一种方式就是通过嫉妒。
One way that we try to control other people is through jealousy.
如果你在这方面有困扰，你需要放手，让他们做自己。
And if this is something that you struggle with, you need to let them theory.
比如，你嫉妒伴侣花时间陪前段婚姻的孩子，或者嫉妒男朋友跟朋友去打高尔夫。
If you're jealous of, let's say, your partner spending time with their kids from another marriage, If you're jealous of when your boyfriend goes off and plays golf with his friends.
如果你嫉妒女朋友或妻子花更多时间陪孩子、跟孩子增进感情，那问题就大了。
If you're jealous of when your girlfriend or your wife is spending more time with the kids and they're bonding over this is a major problem.
因为这种嫉妒，本质上是你试图控制别人。
Because jealousy in this regard this is your attempt to control other people.
当你嫉妒伴侣陪前段婚姻的孩子时，你的嫉妒就是想让他们停止这么做。
Because when you get jealous about your partner spending time with their kids from the first marriage, your jealousy is an attempt to try to get them to stop doing that.
你需要允许别人拥有自己的友谊，允许他们花时间陪孩子，允许他们与同性保持亲密关系。
You need to let people have their friendships and have their time with their kids and have close friendships with people of the same sex.
这很重要。
That's important.
而且重要的是，你要让他们去做这些事，而你自己不会因此被触发情绪。
And it's important to let them do that without you getting triggered.
你感到嫉妒的原因是你受到了威胁，你在告诉自己，他们爱那些人胜过爱你，或者如果他们和那些人在一起，就不会爱你了。
The reason why you feel jealous is you're threatened, and you're telling yourself that they don't love you as much as those other people, or that they're not gonna love you if they hang out with those people.
有趣的是，你的嫉妒和控制其实是为了获得更多的爱。
And what's interesting about that is your jealousy and your controlling is an attempt to get more love.
但结果适得其反，对吧？
But it backfires, doesn't it?
因为当你嫉妒的时候，你根本感受不到爱。
Because you're not present to love when you're jealous.
你实际上感受到的是更少的控制和更少的爱。
You're actually present to less control and less love.
所以，如果你想要更多的爱——这也是你嫉妒的原因——那就让他们去做他们要做的事，并在这种情况下付出更多的爱。
So if you want more love, which is why you're jealous, then let them do what they're gonna do and bring more love to the situation.
通过让他们去做他们想做的事，比如陪孩子、打高尔夫或者忙他们的项目，你是在向他们表明，你爱他们本来的样子。
By letting them do what they're going to do and spend time with their kids and spend time playing golf or spend time on that project they're working on, you're showing them that you love them as they are.
让别人做让他们开心的事，本身就是一种爱的表现。
It's an act of love to let people do what makes them feel good.
所以，第一，你不再被嫉妒这种负面情绪困扰。
So, a, you're no longer feeling that toxic emotion of jealousy.
第二，你给了对方最珍贵的礼物——接纳他们的本来面目，支持他们追求快乐。
B, you're giving somebody the most loving gift that you can, which is accepting who they are and supporting what makes them happy.
第三，如果你一直这样练习，最终你会得到你一直想要的东西，那就是生活中感受到更多的爱，因为你放下了执念，接受了现实。
And C, ultimately, if you keep practicing this, you're gonna get what you wanted all along, which is the feeling of more love in your life because you've let go and you've accepted what is.
当你放下执念、接受现实时，对方也会更爱你。
And when you let go and accept what is, that person's going to love you back more.
明白这个道理了吗？
See how this works?
让他们去吧。
Let them.
让他们去吧。
Let them.
让别人拥有自己的情绪吧。
Let people have their emotions.
让他们保留自己的观点。
Let them have their opinions.
你试图控制别人的感受和言论，这绝对是走向关系终结的单程票。
You trying to control what somebody feels and what they say, that is a one way ticket to the end of a relationship.
那我给你举个例子。
So I'll give you an example.
假设你和你的好朋友开始渐行渐远了。
Let's say that you and your best friend have started to grow apart.
也许你们中有人搬走了，也许有人谈了很认真的恋爱而另一个还单身，你们的生活模式开始发生变化。
Maybe one of you moved away, maybe one of you are in a really serious relationship and the other one's single, the patterns of your life has started to change.
因此，你们的关系也开始变化。
Hence, your relationship starts to change.
你们仍然关心彼此，只是见面的次数没以前那么多了。
You still care about one another, but you just don't see each other as much.
然后你的朋友过来跟你说，我觉得你变了。
And your friend comes to you and says, I feel like you've changed.
我一直都在你身边，可你现在再也不像以前那样陪我了，因为你总是忙着陪男朋友，或者忙着这个那个的。
I've always been there for you, and you're never there for me anymore because you're so busy with your boyfriend or you're so busy with this, that, and the other thing.
让他们有这些感受吧。
Let them have those feelings.
你不需要去控制他们的想法。
You don't need to control what they think.
一个人能给予另一个人最慷慨、最有爱的举动之一，就是静静地倾听，见证对方的感受，并给予认可。
One of the greatest acts of generosity and love that a human being can give to another human being is to just listen to witness somebody's feelings about something and validate it.
就这么简单。
That's it.
你只需要做到这些。
That's all you need to do.
当你给对方空间，让他们表达自己的感受时，他们可能会生你的气。
And when somebody is given the space because you let them share how they're feeling, They're mad at you.
他们对你感到不满。
They're upset about you.
他们对这件事很恼火。
They're frustrated with this.
他们觉得自己做错了。
They feel wrong.
他们感到受伤。
They feel hurt.
他们有这种感受。
They feel this.
他们有那种感受。
They feel that.
奇妙的事情发生了。
Something amazing happens.
你学会了如何抽离自己。
You learn this skill of being able to detach.
你学会了如何让别人生气，而自己不去掺和。
You learn how to let people be upset and not put your hooks into it.
你学会了让情绪自然起伏的能力。
You learn the ability to have feelings rise and fall.
事实上，今天早上我就遇到了这样的事。
It just happened to me this morning, in fact.
我早上跟女儿肯德尔说，我很想和她一起做点什么。
I had told our daughter Kendall that I would love to do something this morning together.
结果早上到了，事情一大堆。
And the morning, of course, came, and a lot of stuff happened.
到了十点，她本来要帮我整理衣柜里的东西。
And then it was 10:00, and she was gonna help me, go through some things in my closet.
她就开始催了，说我们得赶紧弄这个。
And she started to go, you know, we gotta get going on this.
因为如果
Because if
如果我们不开始的话，
we don't get going on
那我们就只能做十五分钟。
this, we're only gonna be doing it for fifteen minutes.
如果只做十五分钟，我他妈肯定会有情绪，懂吗？
And if we only do it for fifteen minutes, I'm gonna have a fucking attitude, okay?
因为我会觉得特别生气。
Because I'm gonna feel really pissed off about it.
你知道我做了什么吗？
You know what I did?
我让她那样了。
I let her.
我让她发泄那种挫败感。
I let her have that frustration.
那感觉真是太轻松了。
It was so liberating.
我以前经常和身边的人陷入这种情绪上的拉锯战。
I was often engaging in this emotional tug of war with people in my life.
他们一不高兴，我就想安抚他们，结果他们更不高兴了，然后我就开始反思是不是我的错，接着又想方设法去解决，他们又继续闹。
They get upset, I'd try to calm them down, then they get more upset, then I'd try to be responsible for why they're upset, then I'm trying to solve it, then they're doing it.
最后就变成谁都不让谁好过。
And it just becomes this Nobody's letting anybody do anything.
我们就是在为彼此的感受争吵。
We're arguing over how we feel.
这真的太蠢了。
It is so fucking stupid.
“随他们去”理论就是让你观察别人的情绪困扰，让他们自己去消化，这样你就不用再当救火队员，也不用为他们的情绪负责。
The Let Them Theory allows you to observe people's emotional distress and let them have it and let you off the hook from rescuing them or being responsible for it.
这真的太棒了。
It is such a beautiful thing.
当你允许别人在他们最好的时候和最糟的时候都做自己，你把这种不控制、不干涉的自由给了对方，你知道会发生什么吗？
When you let somebody be free to be who they are in their best and their worst moments, that freedom that you're giving to somebody else, that gift of not controlling, you know what happens?
你也会得到一份回报。
You get a gift in return.
你的生活会重新获得平静和轻松。
You get peace and ease back in your life.
这里还有另一种看待问题的方式。
And here's another way to look at it.
当你试图改变别人时，你是在插手别人的事。
When you're trying to change someone else, you're in someone else's business.
你永远应该专注于自己的事。
You always want to be in your own business.
你永远应该处理自己的感受，以及你能为此做些什么。
You always want to be dealing with your feelings and what you can do about it.
最近我和一群成为朋友的女人一起出去旅行，我们是在一个更大的群体里认识的。
I recently went away with a bunch of women that I've become friends with, and we met inside of a much larger group of people.
事后我才发现，有个人一直在跟别人说，他们因为没被邀请而感到非常沮丧和受伤。
And I found out after the fact that there was somebody who had been telling other people that they were really bummed and hurt that they weren't included.
有那么一瞬间，我确实觉得有点过意不去。
And for a minute, I felt bad.
但我用了‘随他们去’的理论。
But I used the let them theory.
让他们去难过吧。
Let them be hurt.
让他们因为没被邀请而沮丧吧。
Let them be bummed that they weren't invited.
确保每个人都心情愉快，这不是我的责任，也不是你的责任。
It's not my responsibility, and it's not your responsibility to make sure everybody's feelings are okay.
我的责任是照顾好自己。
It's my responsibility to take care of myself.
而我也曾站在故事的另一边——那些年我忙得不可开交，把女性友谊都抛在脑后，结果总是因为没被邀请而感到受伤。
And having been on the other side of that story, where for years I was so busy working that I let my female friendships just go, I would constantly feel hurt that I wasn't included in things.
我那时经常有‘错失恐惧症’，觉得别人在聚会、吃饭、或者带着孩子一起玩，而我们却没被算在内。
I was constantly feeling FOMO, that people were out at parties or out to dinner or getting together with their kids and we weren't included.
当我这么想的时候，我就越界了，管到别人的事上去了。
When I feel like that, I'm in their business.
更难的是，当你任由别人聚在一起却不邀请你，任由他们做自己的事而不带你玩的时候。
The harder thing when you just let people get together and not invite you, let people do what they're gonna do and not include you.
更难的是回到你自己的事情上：如果这件事让你这么困扰，梅尔，你打算怎么办？
The harder thing is to get back into your business, which is if this bothers you so much, what are you gonna do about it, Mel?
因为我意识到，当然没人会邀请我。
Because what I realized for myself is that, of course, nobody invites me anywhere.
我根本没把友情放在优先位置。
I'm not prioritizing my friendships.
我很久没办过派对了。
I haven't thrown a party in a long time.
我已经五年没组织过女性周末活动了。
I haven't planned a women's weekend in five years.
如果我真的想让生活中有更多这样的时刻，那就不该去控制别人、让他们邀请我。
If I really want more of this in my life, it's not up to me to control other people to make them invite me.
我得自己负责创造这些体验。
It's up to me to be responsible for creating these experiences.
也就是说，我现在专注于自己的事，而不是试图控制别人的事。
That means I'm now focused on my business, not on trying to control other people's business.
永远朝着平静的方向走。
Always move toward peace.
让他们做他们想做的事。
Let them do what they're going to do.
而你专注于你要做的事。
And you focus on what you're gonna do.
我迫不及待想听听你怎么运用“随他们去”理论。
I can't wait to hear how you use the let them theory.
你知道吗？
You know what?
我的狗在叫。
My dog's barking.
你知道我要做什么吗？
You know what I'm gonna do?
我就让狗叫去吧。
I'm just gonna let the dogs bark.
我还要告诉你，我爱你，我相信你，我相信你有能力创造你热爱的生活。
And I'm also gonna tell you that I love you, and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a life that you love.
好了。
Alrighty.
我爱你。
I love you.
我让你去做你的事，过几天我们再聊。
I'm gonna let you go do whatever you're gonna go do, and I'll talk to you in a few days.
哦，还有一件事。
Oh, one more thing.
这是法律声明。
It's the legal language.
这个播客仅供教育和娱乐目的。
This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes.
它不能替代医生、专业教练、心理治疗师或其他合格专业人士的建议。
It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.
Stitcher。
Stitcher.
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