这项技能能让每段关系都变得更好

现在已经有多项研究表明，当你认识一个新朋友后，如果一周或一个月后，你给他们发一个小石子，说：嘿，我看到一个表情包，是麦考利·卡尔金穿着一件印有瑞恩·高斯林头像的T恤，然后瑞恩·高斯林又穿了一件印着麦考利·卡尔金穿着那件瑞恩·高斯林T恤的T恤。

There have been now multiple studies which show that after you meet somebody new, if a week or a month later, you send them a little pebble and you say, hey, I saw this meme of Macaulay Culkin wearing a shirt with Ryan Gosling on it, and then Ryan Gosling wore a shirt of Macaulay Culkin wearing the Ryan Gosling shirt.

然后我想说，我知道这是你的菜。

And I'd like, I know this is your jam.

这就是你喜欢的幽默风格。

This is your kind of humor.

这让我立刻就想到了你。

It just reminded me of you instantly.

那个人会觉得和你更亲近，因为你懂他。

That person will feel closer to you because you got them.

你记得他独特的幽默感。

You remember their unique sense of humor.

我觉得这是加强关系的好方法。

And I think that that's a great way to strengthen a bond.

这也是重新联系某人的好办法。

It's also a great way to get back in touch with someone.

你联系了一个所谓的“休眠关系”，就是那种你两年、五年，甚至十年以上都没联系过的人。

You reach out to somebody who's called a dormant tie, somebody you haven't talked to in two years, five years, maybe a decade or more.

我刚看完《足球教练》的新一季，里面有一集简直就像为你量身定做的。

I just finished the new season of Ted Lasso, and there is an episode that has you written all over it.

那个人真的会觉得，哇。

And that person really feels like, wow.

首先，我简直不敢相信你还记得我喜欢看什么剧。

First of all, I can't believe you remembered my taste in TV.

所以你这是秀了一把记忆力。

So you've done a memory flex.

你等于是在说，嘿。

You you have said, hey.

你猜怎么着？

Guess what?

就是，我足够在乎你，才会去关注你。

Like, I cared enough about you to pay attention to you.

但你也因此创造了一个重新联系的理由。

But you've also now created a reason to reconnect.

我很喜欢格兰特医生刚才说的话。

I love what doctor Grant just said.

我给你举个例子，说说我生活中的‘小石子’行为。

I'll give you an example of pebbling in my life.

当我丈夫给我买超市里最便宜的那束花时。

When my husband buys me the cheapest bouquet of grocery store flowers.

我说的是那种五美元的花束，小小的，看起来不起眼，没人会注意的那种。

I'm talking like the $5 bouquet, the little, like, tiny looking thing that everybody's ignoring.

他带回家，把它放在厨房台面上的一个梅森罐里，我看到了。

And he brings it home and puts it just in a mason jar on the island in the kitchen, and I see it.

因为我知道，他在外面办事的时候，心里想着我，在乎我。

Because what I know is that he cared enough about me and was thinking about me while he was out running an errand.

他记得我喜欢花，不管是什么样的花。

And he remembered that I love flowers no matter what they are.

他通过行动向我表达了这一点。

And he took an action to show me that.

我们很多人去超市时都会想着买花。

A lot of us go to the grocery store and think about buying the flowers.

光想不算数。

That doesn't count.

如果你只是想着自己能做什么，那并不是在实践同理心。

You are not practicing empathy if you're just thinking about what you could do.

你需要把它变成实际行动。

You need to make it physical.

你需要有那个小石子，因为石子本身就是证据。

You need to have that little pebble because the pebble itself is evidence.

这是一个行动，表明你足够关心对方，愿意去关注他们，哪怕只是一个无聊的梗图。

It's an action that you cared enough to pay attention to the other person, even if it's a dumb meme.

我记得你喜欢这个东西。

I remembered that you liked this thing.

我记得两年前我们为这事笑过。

I remembered that we laughed about this two years ago.

我们之所以不常做这种小举动，不主动迈出第一步，最大的原因之一就是——信不信由你——很多人觉得这种举动不会得到温暖的回应，也不会被感激。

And one of the biggest reasons why we don't do more pebbling, why we don't go first, is because believe it or not, a lot of you think that that gesture is not going to be met with warmth and with, like, appreciation.

如果你这么想，觉得主动送个小礼物、发条消息或者先迈出第一步有点别扭，我想分享斯坦福大学的一项研究，它会告诉你，你错了。

And if you're thinking that, that you're feeling a little weird about pebbling or sending that text or, you know, making the first gesture going first, I wanna share some research out of Stanford that tells you you're wrong.

研究人员调查了五千多名本科生，发现了一种他们称之为“共情感知差距”的现象。

Researchers studied more than 5,000 undergraduate students, and they found something they call the empathy perception gap.

简单来说，就是我们很多人平时都低估了别人会多么关心、支持我们，以及会多么感激我们。

Basically, that a lot of us walk around and we underestimate how caring, supportive, and appreciative everybody else is gonna be.

我举个例子。

I'm gonna give you an example.

学生们猜测，大概有87%的同学会帮助遇到困难的人。

Students guessed that about maybe 87% of their peers would help somebody who was having a hard time.

但当问他们自己会不会帮忙时，96%的人都说会。

But when students were asked whether or not they themselves would help, 96% of people said yes.

那么，如果你开始相信，像你一样，96%的人都是温暖、关心他人、有同理心、善解人意的，而且很乐意和你聊天，会发生什么呢？

So what happens if you start to believe that like you, 96% of people are warm, caring, empathetic, and understanding, and would love to talk to you?

结果，学生们开始更主动地去联系别人。

Well, the students started reaching out more.

他们开始先迈出第一步。

They began to go first.

你猜怎么着？

And guess what happened?

几个月后，他们的社交圈扩大了。

Months later, their social networks had expanded.

他们更受欢迎了，就像我们说的所有那些好处一样。

They were more likeable, like all of the things that we're talking about.

所以，我们来总结一下这项研究。

So let's bottom line this research.

阻碍你获得更多人际关系、更受欢迎的东西，并不是别人不关心你。

The thing standing between you and more connection in your life, more likability, is not that people don't care about you.

问题是大家都在等别人先迈出第一步。

It's that everybody is waiting for someone else to do it first.

那就做那个先行动的人吧。

Be that somebody.

这就是为什么我说同理心是给赢家的。

This is why I say empathy is for winners.

同理心是给强者的。

Empathy is for the strong.

同理心是给有影响力的人的。

Empathy is for people who are influential.

同理心意味着你先行动。

Empathy means you go first.

下次当你想起某个人时，给他们发个消息吧。

And the next time somebody pops into your mind, send them a pebble.

你知道该怎么做的。

You know what to do.

如果有人告诉你，周四有件重要的事，就在日历上记一笔，周四那天祝他们好运。

And if somebody tells you something important that's happening on Thursday, put a little something in your calendar and wish them luck on Thursday.

如果他们下周二要做手术，设个提醒，发条短信给他们。

If they have a surgery next week on Tuesday, set a reminder and text them.

如果你看到有人看起来需要友好的面孔，就打个招呼，笑一笑。

If you see somebody who looks like they could use a friendly face, just say hello, smile.

如果你听到关于某人的好消息，告诉他们你为他们高兴。

If you hear good news about somebody, tell them you're happy for them.

当你开始练习同理心的第二个方面，也就是行动中的同理心时，我希望你注意一些事情。

And I want you, as you start to practice the second aspect of the skill of empathy, empathy in action, I want you to notice something.

注意当你开始这样生活时会发生什么，因为这会改变一切。

Notice what happens when you start living this way because it changes everything.

首先，这会改变你自己，因为你现在在实践同理心和行动。

First of all, it changes you because now you're practicing empathy and action.

你是那个送出小石头的人，但这也会改变别人对你的看法。

You're the one giving the pebbles, but it also changes how people feel about you.

因为当你给别人那颗小石子、那朵花或者那个表情包时，他们会觉得自己被记住了。

Because when you give somebody that pebble or that flowers or that meme, they feel remembered.

他们会觉得自己被接纳了。

They feel included.

他们会觉得自己被重视了。

They feel celebrated.

他们会觉得自己不那么孤单了。

They feel less alone.

你有没有给朋友发过短信，说，嘿。

Have you ever texted somebody who's like, hey.

记得今天是那个什么日子。

Remember today's such and such.

是你的重要面试。

It's your big job interview.

然后对方说，真的吗？

And they're like, really?

谢谢你。

Thank you.

你还记得？

You remembered?

哇。

Wow.

如果你曾经有人这样对你，你会觉得，哇，你居然在想我？

And if you've ever had somebody do that for you, you're like, woah, you were thinking of me?

我们总是觉得别人不在乎我们，这难道不让人难过吗？

Isn't it sad that we all walk around thinking people don't care about us?

我们总是觉得别人不温暖、不善良、不感激，这难道不让人难过吗？

Isn't it sad that we walk around thinking other people are not warm and kind and appreciative?

而我们都孤立无援，却渴望同样的东西。

And here we all are isolated wanting the same thing.

我们想要被理解、被看见、被庆祝。

We wanna feel understood and seen and celebrated.

所以这就是你每天练习同理心的第二种方法。

So that's the second way you're gonna practice empathy every single day.

第三种方法，你一定会喜欢的。

And the third way, you're gonna love this.

我把它叫做纸盘子。

I call this paper plates.

送纸盘子。

Drop off paper plates.

我来解释一下这是什么意思。

Let me explain what I mean by that.

几年前，我们播客请来了一位非常厉害的专家。

So there was this extraordinary expert that we had on the podcast a few years ago.

你可能还记得她。

You may remember her.

她是一位持证临床治疗师，也是畅销书作家，她的名字叫凯西·戴维斯。

She's a licensed clinical therapist and a bestselling author, and her name is Casey Davis.

她来分享了一些能改善生活的小妙招。

And she came on to share simple little things that improve your life.

她分享的最好的建议之一，就是如何帮助正在挣扎的朋友。

And one of the best pieces of advice that she shared was what to do to help a struggling friend.

这个建议让我深受启发。

And this advice inspired me so much.

它改变了我对待生活中那些正在挣扎的人的方式。

It has changed the way that I show up for people in my life who are struggling.

所以，我先说说在凯西·戴维斯教我纸盘技巧之前，我以前是怎么做的。

So let me tell you first what I used to do before Casey Davis taught me this paper plate trick.

以前，当有人遇到困难或者经历艰难时期，或者他们告诉我他们正在经历一些艰难的事情时，我会说，天哪，真的很抱歉发生这种事。

What I used to do when somebody was struggling or going through a hard time or they were telling me that they were going through something hard is I would be like, oh my gosh, you know, I'm really sorry that that's happening.

那真的很糟糕。

That that really is awful.

我能怎么帮你呢？

How can I support you?

或者你给别人发条短信。

Or you send somebody a text.

我听说发生了那件事。

I heard about, you know, this thing that happened.

你需要什么？

What do you need?

而凯西·戴维斯教我的这个方法，我希望你也能用上。

And what Casey Davis taught me is something I want you to steal.

当你爱的人遇到困难时，不要问他们需要什么。

When somebody that you love is struggling, do not ask them what they need.

对。

Yes.

你可以问他们感觉怎么样。

You can ask them questions about how they're feeling.

多跟我讲讲那件事。

Tell me more about that.

帮我了解一下现在的情况。

Help me understand what's going on.

当你问一个正在挣扎的人，嗯，你需要什么？

When you ask somebody who's struggling, well, what do you need?

直接告诉我我能做什么来支持你。

You know, just tell me what I can do to support you.

大多数人会说，我连今天星期几都不知道。

Most people are like, I don't even know what day it is.

凯西·戴维斯是这么说的。

And here's what Casey Davis says.

纸盘子。

Paper plates.

就送纸盘子、塑料杯、塑料餐具，因为你知道吗？

Just drop off paper plates, plastic cups, plastic utensils because you know what?

一个人在最难的时候，最不需要的就是一水池的碗要洗。

The last thing a person needs is a sink full of dishes when they're going through a hard time.

那些纸盘子、一次性杯子和一次性餐具，如果你打开门看到门廊上放着这些，还附着一张温馨的便条，你知道那意味着什么吗？

And those paper plates and those disposable cups and those disposable utensils, you know what that says if you open up your door and you see that on a porch with a lovely note?

那可不是小石子。

It's not even a pebble.

那简直是一块巨大的爱的巨石。

It's kind of like a giant boulder of love.

它明明白白地告诉你：我在乎你。

It literally says, I care about you.

我不知道该怎么做，所以我做了这个。

I don't know what to do, so I'm doing this.

当你生了孩子后，有人送来一锅炖菜，那又意味着什么呢？

When somebody drops off a casserole after you've had a baby, what does it say?

天哪。

Oh my gosh.

哇。

Wow.

他们想着我呢。

They're thinking of me.

就这么简单。

That's it.

当你特别困难的时候，有人来帮你打扫厨房或者洗衣服。

When somebody shows up if you're really struggling and they just clean your kitchen or they do your laundry.

今年夏天我病得很重，我丈夫和我每年都有个惯例，就是他的大学朋友们会来城里，我特别喜欢他们。

You know, I was really, really sick this summer, and my husband and I, have this annual thing where lots of, his college friends who I just love come into town.

我们家里有14个人，而我整个周末都躺在床上。

And I was in bed all weekend while we had 14 people here.

都是成双成对的，人特别好，其中很多人三十年前还参加过我们的婚礼，而我却病倒在床上。

All couples, amazing people, many of whom were in our wedding thirty years ago, and I was in bed sick.

我跟你说。

And let me tell you something.

没有一个人进卧室来问我，我能帮你做点什么？

Not once did anyone come into the bedroom and go, what can I do to support you?

相反，他们把房子打扫干净了。

Instead, they cleaned the house.

他们做了所有的饭菜。

They cooked all the meals.

他们遛了狗。

They walked the dogs.

那简直是你生病时能遇到的最好的周末，因为他们把所有事情都照顾好了。

It was like the best weekend you could possibly be sick because they just took care of everything.

而且，在照顾一切的过程中，我根本不用开口。

And in taking care of everything, I didn't have to ask.

我感觉被深深关爱着。

I felt so cared for.

虽然我错过了所有乐趣，但看到床边放着一盘食物，而我刚打了个盹，天哪，走出卧室看到厨房干干净净，天哪。

And, I missed out on all the fun, but having just a plate of food show up next to the bed where I had taken a nap, oh my gosh, walking into the kitchen when I came out of the bedroom and seeing it clean, oh my gosh.

他们只是做了该做的事，而没有问我需要什么。

They just did what needed to be done without asking me what I needed.

这就是为什么第三种实践同理心、展现同理心的方式，也就是通过行动表达同理心，是把自己放在类似的情境中，想一想：我能做些什么来展示支持，而不需要问他们需要什么？

And that's why the third way you can practice empathy, you can display it, it's empathy through action, Is put yourself in a similar situation and think, what could I do that would demonstrate support without asking them what they need?

也许那只是出现在他们身边，陪他们坐一会儿。

And maybe that just looks like showing up and sitting with them.

我之所以喜欢纸盘子这个例子，是因为它让你做一些不同于平常的事情。

The other thing I love about paper plates is it asks you to do something different than you normally do.

你张开双臂走向那个人，给予你面前的人真正看见他们、帮助他们回应或支持，而不求任何回报。

You're coming to the person with open arms and you're giving the person in front of you the response or the support that truly sees and helps them without asking them for anything in return.

我听过最好的例子之一，来自已故的法官弗兰克·卡普里奥。

One of the best examples of this I have ever heard came from the late judge Frank Caprio.

你可能记得他是美国最友善的法官，他在罗德岛法庭上的善意让他成为网络红人，全世界有数百万人关注他。

Now you might remember him as America's nicest judge, and his kindness in his Rhode Island courtroom made him a viral sensation with millions of people following him from around the world.

我感到非常荣幸，能在卡普里奥法官88岁去世前几个月和他坐下来交谈。

And I feel so honored that I got to sit down with Judge Caprio just a few months before he passed away at 88 years old.

在我们的对话中，我问他作为市政法院法官的第一天是什么样的，在那里，大多数来到他面前的人处理的都是日常琐事，比如停车罚单、交通违规。

And during our conversation, I asked him about his very first day as a judge in municipal court, where most of the people coming in before him are dealing with everyday things like parking fines, traffic violations.

就在他上任的第一天，发生了一件事，彻底改变了他接下来三十年对待人的方式。

And something happened on that very first day on the bench that totally changed the way that judge Caprio treated people for the next thirty years.

接下来是弗兰克·卡普里奥法官在梅尔·罗宾斯播客上的分享。

Here is judge Frank Caprio on the Mel Robbins Podcast.

大家听一听。

Take a listen.

我收到一堆……

I get a bunch of...

不。

No.

我，我是法官。

I'm I'm a judge.

我穿着法袍呢。

I got the robe.

我这就去。

I'm gonna go.

我现在是老大。

I'm I'm the boss.

我要坐上法官席了，就是现在。

I'm gonna sit on the bench, And this is it now.

我到了。

I have arrived.

所以我跟我爸说，我说，爸，我今天第一天坐堂。

So I said to my father, I said, dad, my first day on the bench.

他说，我会下来走走。

He said, I'll come down on walks.

我说，好。

I said, good.

下来吧。

Come down.

我希望你下来。

For I'd you to come down.

所以我坐在那里，真的觉得自己很了不起。

So I'm there and I am really full of myself.

我现在是法官了，看看我。

I'm a judge now, look at me.

请全体起立。

All rise, please.

所有人都站起来，诸如此类。

Everybody rises and so forth.

真是太疯狂了。

It's so crazy.

然后有个女人来到我面前，她的车被锁了。

So this woman comes before me, she had a boot on her car.

我不知道她欠了多少，大概几百小时的罚单，她付不起。

I don't know what she owed, a couple hundred hours in tickets and she couldn't pay them.

所以我说，如果你不付钱，我就不把锁从车上取下来。

So I said, well, if you don't pay it, I'm not gonna take the boot off the car.

她说，我就是没钱。

And she says, I just don't have the money.

我没钱，我还有四个孩子。

I don't have the money and I have four kids.

这是我第一天当法官。

It's my first day on the bench.

没人能欺负我，对吧？

No one's gonna bully me around, right?

所以我说，那你欠了钱。

So I says, well, you owe the money.

如果你不还，我们就不会把锁拆下来。

And if you don't, we're gonna leave the boot on the car.

她说，我没钱。

She said, I don't have the money.

我得送孩子去上学。

I have to get my kids to school.

所以我就说，抱歉，案子延期吧。

So I said, I'm sorry, continue the case.

我们给你几天时间，你再来处理。

We'll give you a couple of days to come in.

当时我爸就在法庭上。

And my father's in the courtroom.

庭审结束后，我爸走进我的办公室。

After court's over, my father comes into the chambers.

我特别高兴。

I'm so happy.

他说，爸，今天怎么样？

He said, dad, how did it go?

他说，情况怎么样？

He said, how did it go?

怎么样……

How how did...

你怎么能那样做？

How could you do that?

我做什么了？

How could I do what?

他说，弗兰克，她有四个孩子。

He said, Frank, she had four kids.

如果她交了那些罚单，今晚可能就没钱给孩子买吃的了。

Now suppose she can't feed the kids tonight if she paid those tickets.

她没有车。

She has no, she doesn't have a car.

她没法开车送他们上学。

She can't drive them to school.

你在干什么？

What are you doing?

你可不是被这样养大的。

You weren't brought up that way.

我上任第一天在法庭上的经历，奠定了我三十多年法官生涯的基调。

My first day on the court set the tone of my judgeship of over thirty years.

从那以后，我在量刑时都会考虑每个人的个人情况。

After that, I took everybody's personal situation into consideration in the imposition of a sentence.

这个女人一开始确实很无礼，但你必须克服这一点。

This woman, she was insulting to begin with, but you have to overcome that.

因为她害怕。

Cause she was scared.

她当时怕得要死，对吧？

And she was scared to death, right?

是的。

Yes.

就像我父亲说的。

As my father said.

我觉得她是上天给你的礼物，因为你在书的第一百一十页写到了这一点。

Well, I think she was a gift to you because you write in this book on page one ten.

那次经历让我明白，做法官更重要的是关注眼前这个人，而不是法律条文本身。

The lesson was that being a judge is much more about the person in front of you than it is about the law.

从那以后，我一直努力去了解这个人背后真正发生了什么。

Since then, I've always tried to find out what was really going on with the person.

而且我总会考虑我的判决不仅会影响他们本人，还会影响他们整个家庭。

And I always considered how my ruling would impact not only them, but their whole family.

这些话不是随便说说的。

Those aren't only words.

我确实做到了。

I did that.

这本身就是一堂课。

That right there is a lesson.

我一直努力去了解这个人背后真正发生了什么。

I've always tried to find out what was really going on with the person.

现在我想请你花点时间想一想，你能做些什么，真正向别人表明你关心他们。

And I want you to take a moment right now and think about what could you do that would really demonstrate to somebody that you care.

比如说，想想你生活中的某个人。

Like, think about somebody in your life.

也许是你担心的人。

Maybe it's somebody you're worried about.

也许是正在经历困难的人。

Maybe it's somebody going through a hard time.

也许是刚刚发生了很棒的事情，而你却没有在他们庆祝的帖子下留言的人。

Maybe it's somebody that just had something amazing happen happen, and you didn't comment on their post celebrating it.

你能做些什么，让别人感到被理解、被支持、被看见？

What could you do that could make somebody else feel understood, supported, and seen?

这就是行动中的同理心，而且不必复杂。

That's empathy in action, and it doesn't have to be complicated.

如果有人手上拿满了东西，就帮他们扶一下门。

If somebody has their hands full, hold the door.

如果你的同事忙得不可开交，就从他们的待办清单上分担一些事情。

If your coworker is buried, take something off their to do list.

如果你的孩子因为没入选队伍而伤心，就陪着他坐一会儿。

If your kid is crushed because they didn't make the team, sit with them.

坐下来。

Sit.

在你开始说话、指导、建议和安慰之前，先问问他们感觉怎么样。

And before you start talking and coaching and advising and consoling, ask them how they're doing.

不要等他们主动来寻求支持。

Don't wait for them to reach out for support.

主动出现。

Show up.

带上纸盘子。

Bring the paper plates.

就这么简单。

That's it.

当你觉得有人需要支持时，就提供支持。

When you feel that somebody could use support, provide the support.

这就引出了第四种让你更讨人喜欢的简单方法，那就是展现同理心。

And that brings me to the fourth simple way that you will become more likable and you are demonstrating empathy.

顺便说一句，这是我最喜欢的一个。

And by the way, this one's my favorite.

继续挥手。

Keep on waving.

让我解释一下。

Let me explain.

你付出的能量，就是你收获的能量。

The energy you put out is the energy you get back.

你展现的同理心，就是你得到的同理心、理解和支持。

And the empathy that you display is the empathy and understanding support that you get back.

你向邻居挥出的手，也会得到同样的回应。

The wave that you extend to the neighbor is the wave that you receive in return.

是不是很有趣？

And isn't it funny?

总得有人先挥手。

Someone has to wave first.

但只要你一挥手，大多数人都会回应你。

But once you wave, most people wave back.

我得跟你讲讲CBS新闻的史蒂夫·哈特曼报道过的一个故事。

And I have to tell you this story that was reported on by Steve Hartman at CBS News.

如果你不认识史蒂夫，他主持的那些节目片段特别精彩。

Now, if you don't know Steve, he hosts these incredible segments.

我特别喜欢这些片段。

I love these segments.

它们叫《在路上》。

They're called On the Road.

在这些片段里，史蒂夫走遍全国，讲述普通人做非凡事的故事。

And in the segment, Steve travels around the country telling stories just about ordinary people doing extraordinary things.

而且往往是最简单的事情才显得非凡。

And oftentimes it's the simplest things that are extraordinary.

这些故事会让你想起人性中最美好的一面。

They're the kinds of stories that remind you of the best in people.

我特别喜欢这个故事，我把它分享给了很多人。

Now, this particular story that I fell in love with, I sent this to so many people.

它真的太美了。

It was so beautiful.

故事讲的是北卡罗来纳州康科德市一个四岁的小男孩，名叫罗曼。

It's about a four year old boy in Concord, North Carolina named Roman.

罗曼特别喜欢和人打交道。

Roman loves people.

实际上，罗曼有个习惯，就是站在自家前院里，向邻居们挥手。

In fact, Roman had this habit of standing outside all, you know, in his front yard waving to his neighbors.

他向路过的人挥手。

He waves to people walking by.

他会打招呼。

He says hello.

他总是先主动打招呼。

He just keeps going first.

他一遍又一遍地挥手。

He just keeps waving over and over.

我看到你了。

I see you.

我在向你挥手。

I'm waving at you.

我在对你微笑。

I'm smiling at you.

而他之所以这么在意向人挥手，是有原因的。

And there's a reason why waving at people mattered so much to him.

四岁的罗曼很孤独。

Four year old Roman was lonely.

他的父母已经分开了。

His parents had separated.

爸爸搬到了佛罗里达。

Dad had moved to Florida.

爷爷奶奶住在外州。

His grandparents lived out of state.

但罗曼还是一直挥手，最后，他的一个邻居，一位叫韦德的老人，注意到了街对面这个总是挥手的小男孩。

But Roman Roman just kept on waving, and eventually, one of his neighbors, a senior citizen named Wade, noticed this little boy across the street who was always waving.

有一天，你知道韦德做了什么吗？

And one day, you know what Wade did?

韦德走过来，做了自我介绍。

Wade walked over and introduced himself.

接下来故事就变得美好了。

And here's where the story gets beautiful.

罗曼继续挥手。

Roman kept waving.

而韦德，顺便说一句，长得有点像圣诞老人，也一直穿过马路来看他，他们开始一起相处。

And Wade, who, by the way, kinda looks like Santa Claus, kept crossing the street and visiting, and they started spending time together.

然后你猜怎么着？

And then guess what happened?

随着罗曼一直挥手，街上其他一些老年居民，也就是其他邻居，也开始挥手回应，然后他们开始出现在罗曼家门口。

As Roman kept waving, other senior citizens that lived on the street, other neighbors started waving back, and then they started showing up at Roman's house.

然后你知道罗曼做了什么吗？

And then you know what Roman did?

他开始邀请他们去看他的足球比赛。

He started inviting him to his soccer games.

你知道他们做了什么吗？

And you know what they did?

他们来了，还去看了他的游泳课，参加了他学校的开放日和他的生日派对。

They came, and they came to his swimming lessons and to his open house at school and his birthday party.

然后你突然就明白了发生了什么。

And suddenly you see what's happening.

罗曼一直挥手，韦德一直回来，罗曼一直邀请人们进来，邻居们一直出现。

Roman kept waving and Wade kept coming back and Roman kept inviting people in and the neighbors kept showing up.

现在罗曼不再孤单了，因为他有一群认来的爷爷奶奶，都是邻居，之前大家互相都不认识。

And now Roman isn't lonely because he has this posse of adopted grandparents that were all neighbors that nobody knew each other.

有意思的是什么呢？

And here's the thing that's interesting about this.

没有人做了什么惊天动地的大英雄事迹。

Nobody did some big, enormous, heroic thing.

什么都没有。

Nothing.

一切就是从一次简单的挥手开始的。

It all started with a simple wave.

而罗曼，这个一直感到孤单的小男孩，突然有了一个自己创造出来的大家庭。

And Roman, this little boy who'd been feeling lonely, suddenly had an entire family he had created.

罗曼的妈妈说，他的孤独感消失了。

Roman's mom said his loneliness was gone.

但重要的是什么呢？

But here's the important thing.

罗曼是唯一一个生活被改变的人吗？

Was Roman the only person whose life was changed?

不是。

No.

仅仅通过挥手，通过表达同理心，我看到你在那边。

Simply by waving, by demonstrating empathy, I see you over there.

我想跟你打个招呼。

I want to say hello to you.

你对我来说很重要。

You matter to me.

仅仅通过这样做，他最终把十几个邻居聚在了一起，这些邻居都说，如果不是这样，他们彼此几乎不会认识。

By simply doing that, he wound up bringing together a dozen neighbors who have all said they would have barely known one another otherwise.

你不觉得这很棒吗？

Don't you love that?

那个需要社区的小男孩，帮助创造了一个社区。

The little boy who needed a community helped create one.

现在罗曼身边有了一群像他选的祖父母一样的人，这些人彼此理解，这就是我们所说的力量。

And now Roman's got all these, like, chosen grandparents in his life, and these people get each other, that's the power of what we're talking about.

而这一切都始于最微小的事情，一个挥手。

And it starts with the smallest thing, a wave.

因为联系就是这样建立起来的。

Because that's how connection is built.

不是通过你一直等着去做的那些大事。

It's not through some of these big things that you're sitting around waiting to do.

而是通过你眼前所有的小瞬间，在这些瞬间里你向别人展示：我看见你了。

It's through all the little moments right in front of you where you demonstrate to someone else, I see you.

我记得。

I remember.

你在乎的事情，我也在乎。

What matters to you matters to me.

我想让你想想，你生活中有谁为你做过这样的事。

And I want you to think about the person in your life who's done that for you.

那个记得你三周前提过的约会的朋友，那个总是问你孩子情况、还能记住他们名字的咖啡师，那个知道今年纪念日会很难熬的兄弟姐妹。

The friend who remembers the appointment you mentioned three weeks ago, the barista who always asks you about your kids and they remember them by name, the sibling who knows an anniversary is gonna be hard this year.

那个人让你感觉怎么样？

How does that person make you feel?

你喜欢那个人，对吧？

You like that person, don't you?

你信任他们。

You trust them.

你觉得自己跟他们挺亲近的。

You feel kinda close to them.

甚至可能会跟他们说一些心里话。

Maybe even tell them things.

你喜欢他们出现在你的生活里，因为有他们，你的日子变得更好了。

You like that they're in your life, and your day is better because of them.

而你日子变好、喜欢他们的原因，就是他们对你展现了同理心。

And the reason why your day is better and the reason why you like them is because they are demonstrating empathy to you.

现在你知道你也可以对他们表现出同理心了。

And now you know that you can demonstrate empathy to them.

事实上，你可以对任何人这样做。

In fact, you can do it to anyone.

如果你在生活中练习这四种简单的方法来培养和展现同理心，我向你保证，你会在各处看到变化。

If you practice these four simple ways to build the skill and demonstrate the skill of empathy in your life, I promise you, you are going to see a difference everywhere.

我觉得很明显为什么人们会喜欢你。

I think it's pretty clear why people are going to like you.

因为当你以这种方式出现在生活中，不再猜测，而是直接问别人发生了什么事、他们过得怎么样，当你主动迈出第一步，当你带着纸盘子、不用别人开口就主动提供支持，当你一直挥手致意，人们喜欢你，是因为他们喜欢和你在一起的感觉，这就是为什么这招管用。

Because when you show up in life this way and you stop guessing and you ask people what's going on and how they're doing, when you're the one that's going first, when you bring the paper plates and show up with the support without being asked, when you keep on waving, people like you because they like how you make them feel, and that's why this works.

不要低估你在这些微小瞬间里拥有的力量。

Do not underestimate how much power you have in these tiny moments.

记住那些研究。

And remember the research.

研究表明，你和我每天大约有九次这样的机会。

The research says that you and I get about nine of these every single day.

九次机会让别人觉得自己很重要。

Nine chances to make someone else feel like they matter.

九次机会去放大别人的快乐。

Nine chances to expand the joy that somebody feels.

九次机会去提供支持，帮助那些感到孤独的人。

Nine chances to offer support and give support to somebody who's feeling alone.

同理心是你给予别人的东西，而作为回报，你会自我感觉更好，人际关系也更融洽。

Empathy is something you give to another person, and in return, you feel better about yourself and you have better relationships.

因为每次你让别人感到被看见、被理解、被支持、被庆祝、被记住，天哪，你也会得到同样的回报。

Because every time you make somebody else feel seen, understood, supported, celebrated, remembered, oh my gosh, you will get that back.

因为重要的不是你做了什么，而是你让别人有什么感受。

Because it's not about what you're doing, it's how you make people feel.

而同理心就是让你能让他人自我感觉良好的技能。

And empathy is the skill that helps you make other people feel good about themselves.

当别人因为你的缘故而自我感觉良好时，他们会非常喜欢你。

And when other people feel good about themselves because of you, they like you a lot.

所以从今天开始，每天练习那四件简单的事情吧。

So start practicing those four simple things every single day.

因为我学到的关于同理心这个技能，不仅仅是它对别人有什么好处。

Because what I've learned about the skill of empathy is it's not just about what it does for the other person.

它也会以百倍的方式回报给你。

It will come back a hundredfold to you as well.

而且你越擅长这个，越练习这四件简单的事情，你就会越喜欢自己，别人也会越喜欢你。

And the better you get at this, the more that you practice these four simple things, the more you're gonna like yourself and the more other people are gonna like you too.

如果今天没有人以朋友的身份告诉你这些，我想确保告诉你，我爱你，我相信你，我相信你有能力创造更好的生活。

In case no one else tells you this today as your friend, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life.

而创造更好生活的最简单方法之一，就是开始和已经在生活中的人创造更好的时刻。

And one of the simplest ways to create a better life is to start creating better moments with the people who are already in it.

好了。

Alrighty.

我们下集见。

I'll see you in the very next episode.

你一按下播放键，我就欢迎你。

I'm gonna welcome you in the moment you hit play.

好的。

Alright.

准备好了吗？

Are you ready?

好。

Okay.

我们开始吧。

Here we go.

那是克里斯吗？

Is that Chris?

进来吧。

Come on in.

法克森，进来吧。

Faxon, come in.

他一直在听，回答问题，还帮她……

He was listening, answering questions, and helping her...

稍等一下。

Hold on a sec.

抱歉。

Sorry.

是咖啡的问题。

It's the coffee.

我的鼻子开始……

My nose is starting to be...

我没有变得通红。

I'm not bright red.

我觉得里面没什么东西。

I don't think I have anything in there.

感觉就像我……

It's like I feel like I'm...

我的过敏在这个上面越来越严重了。

My allergies are getting worse and worse on this.

它们是那种让你想起……的故事。

They're the kinds of story that remind you of the...

抱歉。

Sorry.

等一下。

A second.

因为牢固的关系不是偶然发生的。

Because strong relationships don't happen by accident.

它们是有意为之的。

They happen on purpose.

而且很多……

And so much...

好的。

Okay.

让我看看结尾，看看我们能不能……

Let me just look at the end and see if we can...

我们就是这么做的。

That's how we do this.

就在那里。

Right there.

好的。

Okay.

我还想感谢今天这期关于同理心节目的赞助商，Amica。

I also wanna thank the sponsor of today's episode about empathy, Amica.

Amica自1907年以来一直与投保人建立信任关系。

Amica has been building trusted relationships with policyholders since nineteen o seven.

你想知道他们的客户说是什么让这一切与众不同吗？

And do you wanna know what their customers say makes the difference?

是人。

It's the people.

Amica的代表会花时间倾听，回答你的问题，并帮助你对自己的保险方案感到放心。

Amica representatives take the time to listen, answer your questions, and help you feel confident in your coverage.

这种贴心的个人关怀正是Amica的核心所在。

That kind of personal care is what Amica is all about.

今天就访问amica.com吧。

Visit amica.com today.

正如Amica所说，同理心是我们最好的政策。

As they say at Amica, empathy is our best policy.

哦，还有一件事。

Oh, and one more thing.

不，这不是花絮。

And no, this is not a blooper.

这是法律条文。

This is the legal language.

是律师写的，我需要念给你听。

You know, what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you.

这个播客仅供教育和娱乐目的。

This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes.

我只是你的朋友。

I'm just your friend.

我不是持证治疗师。

I am not a licensed therapist.

这个播客不能替代医生、专业教练、心理治疗师或其他合格专业人士的建议。

And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.

明白了吗？

Got it?

好的。

Good.

我们下期再见。

I'll see you in the next episode.

SiriusXM播客。

SiriusXM Podcasts.