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嘿。
Hey.
我是你的朋友梅尔，欢迎收听梅尔·罗宾斯播客。
It's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.
你有没有过这种感觉：生活刚刚开始变得有条理？
Have you ever felt like life was just starting to make sense?
你正进入状态，突然间，有人把地毯从你脚下抽走——失业、分手、诊断结果、突如其来的背部受伤，现在你站在废墟中不知所措？
You've hit your groove, and then all of a sudden, someone pulls the rug out from underneath you, the layoff, the breakup, the diagnosis, the back injury that you didn't see coming, and now you're left standing here in the wreckage?
当这种情况发生时，你有没有注意到，某个好心的朋友总是对你说：你知道的，当生活给你柠檬时，你就做柠檬水。
And when that happens, have you ever noticed some well meaning friend of yours always turns to you and says, well, you know, when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade.
我总是想，除非我们往里面加了龙舌兰酒。
And I always think, only if we're putting tequila in it.
这是我更喜欢的一句话。
Here's the quote I prefer.
如果你正身处地狱，那就继续往前走。
If you're going through hell, keep going.
温斯顿·丘吉尔说过这句话，我明白他的意思。
Winston Churchill said that, and I get it.
说起来容易做起来难。
It's easier said than done.
但当生活不公平时，总有一天你得停止自怨自艾。
But when life is unfair, at some point, you're gonna have to stop feeling sorry for yourself.
正如我妈妈常说的，把你的大女孩内裤拉上来，面对它。
And as my mom likes to say, pull up your big girl panties and deal with it.
而今天，我们就来学习如何做到这一点。
And that's exactly what we're gonna learn to do today.
你会喜欢这位专家，因为她自己在生活中一次又一次地经历过这些。
And you're gonna love the expert because she's somebody who has had to do this over and over and over again in her own life.
她是一位著名的认知科学家，研究人类行为，过去四年里，她一直在研究那些经历重大生活变故的人，今天她将来到这里，教你一些工具和思维转变方法，帮助你平息纷乱的思绪，找到你需要的清晰与勇气，推动自己、你的事业或整个人生向前迈进。
She is a renowned cognitive scientist who studies human behavior, and for the last four years, she's been researching people who have experienced major life change and is here today to teach you a few tools and mindset switches that will help you quiet the spiraling thoughts and find the clarity and courage that you need in order to move yourself or your career or your whole life forward.
本集将引导你重新振作，陪伴自己迈出重新前行的第一步。
This episode is your guide to picking yourself back up, holding your own hand as you start the process of moving forward again.
这将帮助你看到当前经历之后更广阔的可能。
And it's gonna help you see bigger possibilities on the other side of what you're going through right now.
你知道吗，我不只是这个节目的主持人，我也在像你一样倾听和学习。
You know, I not only host this show, I'm also listening and learning just like you are.
在听了我们节目中这些了不起的专家之后，我开始增加蛋白质的摄入，因为这些专家都告诉我，蛋白质是构建和维持肌肉的重要方式。
And after hearing from our incredible experts on this podcast, I have been trying to eat more protein because all these experts taught me that protein is one of the ways that you build and keep muscle.
肌肉是你能量、力量和长期健康的核心引擎。
Muscle is the engine that powers your energy, your strength, and your long term health.
我听到很多专家建议早上摄入30克蛋白质。
And I've heard a lot of the experts recommend 30 of protein in the morning.
现在我可以坦诚地说，那些我达到这个目标的早晨，我感觉更好、更有活力、更专注，脾气也没那么暴躁，也不会在半小时后又想吃零食，但真的很难。
Now I can tell you from experience, the mornings I hit that number, I feel better, I'm more energized, more focused, I'm less snippy, I'm not hunting for a snack thirty minutes later, but it's so hard.
无论我多么努力，似乎都无法达成我的每日目标。
It seemed like no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't meet my daily goal.
正因如此，我开始与我在播客中邀请的那些医学和营养专家合作，创造一种之前并不存在的东西。
That's why I started working with the same medical and nutritional experts that I feature on the podcast to create something that didn't exist.
结果是什么？
The result?
纯智蛋白。
Pure Genius Protein.
每瓶3.38盎司，符合航空安检要求，含有23克优质蛋白。
It's 23 grams of high quality protein in a TSA friendly 3.38 ounce bottle.
专为忙碌的日程、旅行、长时间轮班或食欲不振的日子设计。
It's made for busy schedules, travel, long shifts, low appetite days.
它能为你的锻炼以及所有其他活动提供能量。
It'll fuel your workouts and everything in between.
我喜欢我们打造的这款产品，因为纯智蛋白让你在外出时也能轻松又美味地达成每日蛋白摄入目标。
I love the product that we created because Pure Genius Protein makes it easy and delicious to hit your daily protein goals, especially when you're on the go.
本周，访问 puregeniusprotein.com 并使用代码 Mel，首单享受8折优惠。
This week, 20% on your first order at puregeniusprotein.com when you use code Mel.
此外，还提供30天无理由退款保证。
Plus, there's a thirty day money back guarantee.
嘿，我是你的朋友梅尔，欢迎收听梅尔·罗宾斯播客。
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.
很高兴你在这里。
I am so glad that you're here.
能和你在一起，共度这段时光，我感到非常荣幸。
It is an honor to be together and to spend this time with you.
如果你是新听众，或者因为有人分享了这一集而来到这里，我想花一点时间，亲自欢迎你加入梅尔·罗宾斯播客大家庭。
And if you're a new listener or you're here because someone shared this episode with you, I just wanna take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family.
我非常兴奋今天要进行的对话，因为最近很多听众都来信了，你们来自世界各地，都在寻求帮助。
And I cannot tell you how excited I am for today's conversation because so many of you have been writing in recently, and you're writing in from around the world, and you're asking for help.
你们说：梅尔，我需要帮助，来应对生活中正在发生的那些变化，而这些变化并不是我想要的。
You're like, Mel, I need help navigating changes that are happening in my life, and these are not changes that I wanted.
我没有要求这些。
I didn't ask for this.
它们让我感到不知所措。
They are overwhelming.
你能请个人来谈谈这个吗？
Can you get somebody on to talk about this?
这正是我所做的。
Well, that's exactly what I've done.
今天，你将学会如何放下过去并重新塑造自己，尤其是在你根本不想这样做的时候。
Today, you're gonna learn how to move on from the past and reinvent yourself, especially when you really don't want to.
我们今天的嘉宾是博士。
Our guest today is Doctor.
玛雅·尚卡尔，一位世界知名的认知科学家，也是变革科学领域的专家。
Maya Shankar, a world renowned cognitive scientist and an expert in the science of change.
她是一位罗德学者，拥有牛津大学认知神经科学博士学位，并在斯坦福大学完成了博士后研究，以优异成绩毕业于耶鲁大学。
She is a Rhodes Scholar who earned her PhD in cognitive neuroscience from Oxford, completed her postdoctoral fellowship at Stanford, and graduated magna cum laude from Yale.
她曾担任奥巴马总统任期内白宫的高级顾问，创立并领导了白宫行为科学团队。
She served as a senior advisor in the White House under President Obama, founding and leading the White House Behavioral Science Team.
离开白宫后，她加入谷歌，担任行为经济学高级总监。
After the White House, she joined Google as the senior director of behavioral economics.
她还是联合国首位行为科学顾问，帮助全球领导者理解人们如何思考和做决定。
She was also the first behavioral science advisor to the United Nations, helping global leaders understand how people think and make decisions.
过去四年里，她主持了屡获殊荣的播客《计划的小调整》，如今她又出版了《纽约时报》畅销书《改变的另一面：当生活另有安排时，我们如何蜕变》。
And for the past four years, she's hosted the award winning podcast, A Slight Change of Plans, and now she's the author of the New York Times bestseller, The Other Side of Change, Who We Become When Life Makes Other Plans.
玛雅·尚卡尔，欢迎来到梅尔·罗宾斯播客。
Maya Shankar, welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.
非常感谢你邀请我，梅尔。
Thank you so much for having me, Mel.
我太兴奋了。
I am so excited.
你一进来就像一阵龙卷风。
You came in here like a tornado.
我能感觉到你准备好去激励、教导和鼓舞人心了，而且你一直期待着谈论这个话题。
I can tell that you are ready to inspire and teach and motivate, and you have been waiting to talk about this topic.
我想从这个问题开始：如果我真的用心去接受你今天即将教我的关于改变、应对改变、创造改变、度过改变的一切，我的生活会有什么不同呢？嗯。
And the way I wanna start is how could my life be different if I take everything you're about to teach me today about change, managing it, creating it, surviving it, if I really take it to heart Mhmm.
我该怎么把它应用到我的生活中？
And I apply it to my life?
我的生活会怎么改变？
How how's my life gonna change?
我想我们都听过这样的信条：虽然我们无法控制发生在我们身上的事，但我们可以控制自己对这些事的反应。
I think we've all heard this mantra that while we can't control what happens to us, we can control our reaction to what happens.
如果你和我一样，你会想：好吧。
And if you're anything like me, you're like, okay.
是的。
Yeah.
听起来不错。
That sounds good.
但我到底该怎么实际做到呢？
But how the heck do I actually do that?
对吧？
Right?
这并不是说我的大脑里有个开关，一翻就能立刻让我感到更平静、更开悟或更好奇。
It's not like there's some sort of switch in my brain that I can flip on that's suddenly gonna make me feel more peaceful or more enlightened or more curious.
对吧？
Right?
如果这些年我学到了一件事，那就是我们可以改变自己与变化的关系。
If there's one thing that I've learned over the years, it's that we can change our relationship with change.
我们可以把生活中最艰难的时刻，不仅看作是需要熬过去的难关，更看作是重新定义自我、释放全部潜能的机会。
We can come to see the hardest moments in our lives not just as something to survive, but as an opportunity to reimagine who we are, to unlock our full potential.
嗯哼。
Uh-huh.
去发现关于我们自己和我们能力的非凡之处，而这一切都在重大变革的阵痛中浮现出来。
To discover extraordinary things about ourselves and what we're capable of, and all of that surfaces in the throes of a big disruption.
但当你正面对它的时候
But when you're facing it
嗯。
Mhmm.
你不想身处其中。
You don't want to be in it.
没错。
Exactly.
你是在说，你会教我们如何在经历这些时刻时，改变我们对它们的态度吗？
And you're saying that you're gonna teach us how to change the way we relate to those moments as we're going through them?
我一开始觉得所有这些
I'm coming at all
都是来自一个讨厌变化的人的视角。
of this as someone who hates change.
变化让我感到非常不安，它总会引发我最糟糕的焦虑。
I feel so uncomfortable by change, and I feel like it brings out the worst of my anxieties.
因此，正是因为我从研究和我所做的所有访谈中意识到这一点，我才备受鼓舞——因为我需要改变自己与变化的关系。
And so the reason why I've been so heartened to realize this from the research and all the interviews I've done is because I needed to change my relationship with change.
所以我在这里告诉所有在听的人，如果我能做到，我向你保证，你也可以做到。
And so I'm here to tell everyone listening, if I could do it, I promise you, you can do it too.
你主持一档关于改变的播客。
You host a podcast about change.
你现在还写了一本书，讲述当生活发生转折时如何重塑自我。
Now you're the author of a book about how to reinvent yourself when life takes a turn.
但这一切都源于你需要重塑自己——你的身份、你的未来，一切的一切。
But this all started because of a need for you to reinvent yourself, your identity, your future, all of it.
所以我想回到起点。
So I wanna go back to the beginning.
好的。
Okay.
那我们来谈谈发生了什么。
So let's talk about what happened.
我们得坐上时光机，回到六岁的小玛雅那时。
We're gonna have to take the time machine back to little Maya, age six.
那就是我开始拉小提琴的时候。
That's when I started playing the violin.
好。
K.
而且，梅尔，我立刻就爱上了它。
And, Mel, I fell in love with it immediately.
从你拿起它的那一刻起？
From the moment you picked it up?
当然。
Absolutely.
所以，我在印度的祖母小时候曾把小提琴当作爱好来演奏。
So my grandmother in India had played the violin as a hobby growing up.
我记得有一天，我妈妈上了阁楼，把她从印度移民到美国时带过来的那把积满灰尘的小提琴拿了下来，她打开琴盒，那一刻就像魔法一样。
And I remember one day my mom went up to her attic and brought down her dusty violin that she had brought with her when she immigrated from India to The US, and she opened the case, and it was like magic.
我很快就问妈妈，好吧。
I remember very quickly asking my mom, okay.
你能给我弄一把迷你版的小提琴吗？就是那种小小的版本？
Can you get me, like, a pint sized violin, a little little version of this?
我父母不得不让我做很多事情，但不知为何，他们从来不需要催我练琴。
And my parents had to ask me to do a lot of things, but they never, for whatever reason, had to ask me to practice.
所以每天放学后，我一到公交站就跑回家。
So I would just run home from the bus stop after school.
我会练上好几个小时。
I would practice for hours.
我记得大概九岁的时候，我们正在纽约市。
And I remember when I was around nine years old, we were in New York City.
我带着我的小提琴，路过朱莉娅音乐学院。
I had my violin with me, and we walked by the Juilliard School of Music.
那是我梦想中的学校。
Now this was my dream school.
明白吗？
Okay?
我的意思是，我晚上躺在床上时，总幻想有一天自己能在那里学习。
I mean, I would I would lay in bed at night and just imagine that one day I might be able to study there.
于是我妈妈看着我，说：‘我们干脆直接进去吧？’
And so my mom looks at me, and she goes, why don't we just walk in?
去茱莉亚学院？
To Juilliard?
去茱莉亚学院。
To Juilliard.
那时候你才九岁。
And you're nine.
我当时九岁。
I was nine.
我当时想：‘你在说什么啊？’
And I was like, what are you talking about?
我们又没被邀请。
We are not invited.
她却说：‘我说，玛雅，最坏的情况能是什么样呢？’
And she goes, I mean, Maya, what's the worst thing that could happen?
我对她说，最坏的情况就是保安把我们赶出去。
And I I said to her, security guards, that's the worst thing that could happen.
但她毫无畏惧，直接说：我们进去。
But she was just fearless, and she's like, we're going in.
三十分钟后，我当场为一位茱莉亚学院的老师试音。
Thirty minutes later, I'm auditioning for a Juilliard teacher on the spot.
真的吗？
Really?
是的。
Yes.
他事后对我妈妈说：我愿意在这个夏天收玛雅当学生，给她进行集中训练，帮她准备秋天的茱莉亚学院入学考试。
He tells my mom afterwards, I'm willing to take Maya on as a student this summer and to basically put her through a boot camp to try to get her ready for the Juilliard audition in the fall.
我去参加了暑期集训。
And I went to the summer camp.
我全身心投入其中。
I was heads down.
我的技术真的提升了很多。
I really skilled up technically.
在那段时间里，我进步巨大。
I got so much better in that time period.
你猜怎么着？
And guess what?
我在秋天成功进入了朱莉亚音乐学院。
I got into Juilliard in the fall.
我当时正在朱莉亚音乐学院学习。
I was studying at Juilliard.
我开始与乐团独奏，赢得协奏曲比赛。
I was soloing with orchestras, winning concerto competitions.
著名小提琴家伊扎克·帕尔曼邀请我成为他的私人学生。
The renowned violinist Itzhak Perlman invited me to be his private student.
后来，我在一个夏天参加了帕尔曼的音乐项目。
And then I was studying at Perlman's music program one summer.
我当时15岁，在一个音符上过度拉伸了手指。
I was 15 years old, and I overstretched my finger on a single note.
我在演奏这首极具挑战性的技术性乐曲时，过度拉伸了小指。
I overstretched my pinky finger playing this very challenging technical piece.
我听到一声‘咔哒’响，结果发现手部的肌腱受损了。
And I heard a popping sound, and it turned out that I had damaged tendons in my hand.
后来医生告诉我，这是终结职业生涯的伤，我的梦想结束了。
And doctors would later tell me it was a career ending injury, that my dreams were over.
15岁时听到这种话是什么感觉？
What is that like to hear at the age of 15?
我拒绝接受这个事实。
I was in denial.
我想，大多数听的人也会这样。
I think like most people listening would be.
对吧？
Right?
我当时也很叛逆，所以也不愿意听他们的。
I was also I was in a rebellious mode, so I also didn't wanna listen to them.
对吧？
Right?
我忍着疼痛继续演奏和练习。
I kept playing and practicing through pain.
我大量服用抗炎药。
I was taking excessive anti inflammatories.
我做了书中所有的物理治疗练习，所有可能的治疗方法。
I was doing every physical therapy exercise in the book, every possible treatment.
最后我做了手术。
I ended up getting surgery.
但手术没用。
That didn't work.
最终，我不得不面对现实，但这非常、非常艰难。
Finally, I had to face the facts, but it was very, very hard.
我认为，用悲伤来描述我当时的情绪状态是最贴切的，因为当我回想起那种悲伤时，它有一种特别的地方。
And I think I think grief is actually the best way to describe what my emotional state was like because there was something so curious about my grief when I think back to it.
我不仅仅是在为失去乐器而悲伤。
I wasn't just grieving the loss of the instrument.
我是在一个更根本的层面上，为失去自我而悲伤。
I was grieving the loss of myself at this much more fundamental level.
我们有时并不知道，某样东西对定义我们是谁有多么重要，直到失去它。
We don't know sometimes how much something has come to define who we are until we lose it.
是的。
Yeah.
我们会感到迷失方向、不知所措，仿佛再也没有什么能让我们感到独特了。
And we feel so unmoored and so disoriented, and, like, there's nothing that makes us special anymore.
这个故事之所以能引起共鸣，是因为你不必
And what's relatable about that story is that you don't have to
非得是小提琴手才能理解：当你经历离婚、被解雇、被球队开除，甚至搬离熟悉的社区搬到新城镇时，那种感受。
be a violinist to understand that when you go through a divorce or you get fired from a job or you get booted from the team that you used to be on, or you even move from the neighborhood to a new town.
是的。
Yeah.
变化真的会让你质疑：我是谁？
Change really makes you question, who am I?
我想要什么？
What do I want?
即使你以为自己知道想要什么，比如你选了一个专业，进入某个行业，开始做之后，你就会想：我真的想当律师吗？
Like, even if you think you know what you want, you you pick a certain major or you go into a certain profession and you start doing it and you're like, do I really wanna be a lawyer?
我真的想当护士吗？
Do I really wanna be a nurse?
这其实就是利佐夫。
Like, this is Lizoff.
真的吗？
Really?
这真的是吗？你开始质疑
Is this really and and you start to question
你自己。
yourself.
因为自我认同就是这样的。
Because that's the thing about self identities.
它们会将我们投射到未来。
They project us into the future.
因此，我曾经想象过的所有未来都已从视野中消失了。
So every future I had imagined for myself have now disappeared from view.
但我们可以做的是，扩展我们的自我认同，使其在面对变化时更加坚韧。
But what we can do is we can expand our self identity so that it is more robust in the face of change.
那我这么说是什么意思呢？
Now what do I mean by that?
我的建议是，不要仅仅通过你做什么来定义自己，而要通过你为什么这么做来定义。
My advice is to define yourself not just by what you do, but by why you do it.
好的。
Okay.
那让我来问一下关于小提琴的问题。
So let me ask that question for the violin.
如果我剥离掉演奏音乐的所有表面特征，嗯。
If I stripped away all the superficial features of playing music Mhmm.
我热情的本质是什么？
What was the essence of my passion?
是什么驱使我靠近这件乐器？
What drove me towards the instrument?
是对人际连接的热爱。
It was a love of human connection.
我热爱通过我的音乐与人建立联系。
I loved connecting with people through my music.
我热爱看到他们微笑。
I loved seeing them smile.
我热爱看到他们因我所创造的东西而产生共鸣。
I loved seeing them feel things as a result of what I was producing.
猜猜看？
Guess what?
还有其他方式可以表达我对人际连接的热爱。
There were other outlets through which I could express that love of human connection.
我现在在这次对话中就在表达这一点，是的。
I'm expressing it right now in this conversation Mhmm.
通过你和你的听众。
With you and your listeners.
你会对正在经历这种颠覆性变化的人说什么呢？
What do you say to a person who's dealing with that kind of destabilizing change?
无论你正在经历离婚，还是得到了一个改变人生的诊断。
Whether you're going through a divorce, You have a life altering diagnosis.
是的。
Mhmm.
你刚刚失去了深爱的人，而他们难以看到这痛苦时刻之外的未来。
You just lost somebody that you love, and they're having trouble seeing beyond just the pain of this moment.
是的
Yeah.
首先，我理解你的感受。
First of all, I feel you.
这是一个极其痛苦且令人迷失的过程。
It is a deeply painful and disorienting process.
有很多研究揭示了为什么变化如此令人恐惧。
There is so much research showing why change is so scary.
我的意思是，一方面，变化充满了不确定性，而我们的大脑并不适应不确定性。
I mean, for one, it is filled with so much uncertainty, and our brains are not wired to like uncertainty.
我认为变化之所以如此艰难，另一个原因是，归根结底，我知道你和我都有同样的感受——我们喜欢牢牢掌控方向盘。
I think another reason why change is is so hard is that at the end of the day, and I know you and I share this in common, we like having a firm grip of the steering wheel.
我们喜欢相信，自己能决定生活的走向。
We like believing that we are dictating how our lives turn out.
而大多数人类都会陷入所谓的‘控制幻觉’，过度高估了自己真正掌握方向盘的程度。
And most of us humans fall prey to what's called the illusion of control, where we wildly overestimate the degree to which we're actually in the driver's seat.
对于此刻正深陷痛苦、看不到前方希望的人，我想分享一个个人故事。
And so for the person who's in the throes of it right now who cannot see beyond their pain, I wanna share a personal story.
过去六七年对我来说和我丈夫来说都非常艰难。
The last six or seven years have been really tough for my husband and me.
我们一直试图组建家庭。
So we have been trying to start a family.
但我们一直未能成功。
We've been unsuccessful.
我们不得不面对无数的失望、障碍和心碎，而经历流产的打击让我几近崩溃，因为对于一个热爱掌控、总想用努力战胜一切挑战的人来说，你猜怎么着？
We've had to navigate so many disappointments and obstacles and heartbreaks, and dealing with pregnancy losses has left me reeling because for someone who loves control, for someone who loves outworking every challenge she faces, guess what?
在生育这件事上，根本不存在靠努力就能克服的说法。
No such thing as outworking fertility stuff.
我们得知，通过代孕母亲，我们失去了这对双胞胎女儿，我当时彻底崩溃了。
So we had found out that we lost identical twin girls with our surrogate, and I was beside myself.
我躲在卧室里，用被子蒙着头，痛哭不止。
I was in our bedroom, covers over my head and sobbing.
我丈夫吉米走进来，说我们来做个简单的感恩练习吧。
And my husband comes in, husband Jimmy, and he says, let's just do a quick gratitude exercise.
我当时心想：绝对不行。
And I was like, hell no.
明白吗？
Okay?
你怎么敢？
How dare you?
你把你的社交媒体那一套虚假正能量收起来，躲到角落去吧，我就要躲在被子里生闷气，因为这现在就是我的现实。
You take your Instagram BS, go into the corner with your toxic positivity, and I'm gonna stay under the covers and sulk because that is my reality right now.
附注：我依然爱你。
PS, I still love you.
明白吗？
Okay?
但我当时气疯了。
But I was so pissed.
所以，总之，最后他还是慢慢让我松口了。
So anyway, finally, he kinda wears me down.
我想，你知道吗？
I'm like, you know what?
我就想，算了，为了让他别再烦我，我就做这个该死的练习吧。
I'm gonna do this damn thing just to get him off my case.
好吧？
Alright?
于是我开始列出几件事。
So I start to rattle off a couple things.
我想，嗯，我真的很感激能成为六个侄子侄女的阿姨。
I'm like, well, I guess I'm really grateful that I get to be an aunt to my six nieces and nephews.
我很庆幸能和同一群人共事了十多年，我们至今依然享受一起工作。
I love that I've gotten to work with the same people for, like, over a decade, and we still love working together.
让我最自豪的是，当年在白宫和我一起工作的人，今天依然和我并肩作战。
It's the greatest source of pride that the people I worked with in the White House still work with me today.
于是我开始这么做，那些内容就源源不断地从我嘴里涌出来。
So I start to do this, and the list just pours out of me.
我向上帝发誓，那一刻发生了一些奇妙的事情。
And I swear to God, something magical happened in that moment.
我一直以来都一心一意地想要成为母亲，以至于陷入了视野狭窄的状态，完全忘记了自己原本的生活是多么丰富而多维。
I had been so single mindedly focused on becoming a mom that I had developed tunnel vision, and I had completely forgotten about how otherwise rich and multidimensional my life was.
顺便说一下，这种练习被称为自我肯定练习。
And in engaging in this practice by the way, it's called a self affirmation exercise.
我丈夫是个软件工程师，他并不知道他其实是在做这个练习，但本质上就是花几分钟写下所有赋予你生命意义的事情，写下所有让你感到有价值、且未因变化而受到威胁的身份。
My husband, who's a software engineer, didn't know that that was what he was doing, but it basically just involves taking a few minutes to write down everything that gives your life meaning, every identity that makes you feel valuable, that has not been threatened by the change.
我想对你们说，如果你正在听或在YouTube上观看，当你像我一样，面对丈夫出于好意的这种做法时，曾有过一瞬间的抵触。
I just wanna say to you if you're listening or watching on YouTube and you had this, like, bristle for a moment like I didn't like Maya did when her husband, with the best of intentions, tried this.
生活中总会有这样的时刻，你不仅可能在床上躺一天，甚至可能躺上一周、一个月。
There are gonna be those moments in life where you're not only gonna be under the sheets for a day, You might be there for a week or a month.
你可能需要花一年的时间来消化这些情绪，而这完全没问题。
You might need to process things for a year and that's okay.
我想让你知道，无论你身处何地，当你准备好掀开被子、开始面对这场你不愿接受、不公平且极其痛苦的改变时，那些工具和框架就在那里，可以帮助你一步步前行。
What I want you to know is wherever you are, the moment that you're ready to pull the sheets down, you're ready to start moving forward through this change that you do not want, that is not fair, that is just horrible to have to process and accept, that the tools are there as frameworks to help guide you as you move forward.
我想补充一点，如果你正在经历失去，并处于悲伤的过程中，那么接受这种损失需要很长的时间。
One of the things I wanted to add to this is that if you're processing a loss and you're going through the experience of grief, that it takes a lot of time to come to terms with the loss that you have.
我们曾邀请到一位关于悲伤的杰出专家大卫·凯斯勒做客播客。
And we had this extraordinary expert on grief, David Kessler, on the podcast.
他分享了一个让我深受鼓舞的数据：人们在失去亲人后，平均要过五到十年才会寻求帮助。
And he shared this statistic that I found to be so empowering that the average time period when somebody seeks support after losing a loved one is between five and ten years.
所以，如果你已经承受悲伤很久了，大卫·凯斯勒说，当你准备好寻求帮助的那一刻，就是最完美的时机。
And so if you've been living with grief for a while, what David Kessler says is the moment that you're ready to seek help is the perfect time.
因此，我想提醒每一位听众，痛苦是真实的。
And so I just want to remind everyone who is listening, the pain is real.
它会持续存在。
It will persist.
没有立竿见影的解决办法。
There are no instant fixes.
但这些细微的视角转变，能彻底改变你看待自己和周围世界的方式。
But these small shifts in perspective can radically change your orientation as you look at yourself and as you look at the world around you.
你知道吗，博士，在你的研究中。
You know, in your research, Doctor.
尚卡尔，你说人们并不擅长预测变化实际上会如何影响他们。
Shankar, you say that people are not great at predicting how change is actually gonna impact them.
你能解释一下吗？
Can you explain?
是的。
Yeah.
因此，我们作为情感预测者 notoriously 不擅长。
So we are notoriously bad affective forecasters.
这意味着，我们在预测自己对将来事件的感受时非常糟糕。
All that means is that we are so bad at predicting how we are gonna feel about events in the future.
好的。
Okay.
这对我们来说非常重要。
This is really important for us to know.
是吗？
It is?
我们高估了坏事会有多糟。
We overestimate how bad the bad things are gonna be.
嗯。
Mhmm.
我们也高估了好事会有多好。
And we also overestimate how good the good things are gonna be.
比如，我失业了。
I lost my job, for example.
是的。
Yes.
这会彻底毁了我，我再也无法恢复到目前的幸福水平。
It's going to completely ruin me, and I will never regain the current happiness level I have.
然后我还想，如果我得到这次晋升，哦。
And then I also think if I get this promotion Oh.
我会永远幸福。
I'm gonna be happy forever.
但实际上，我们会立刻回落到所谓的幸福基线水平。
But, actually, we just revert right back down to what's called our happiness set point.
好的。
Okay.
所以无论是失去还是获得，当你经历完失去或获得带来的情绪后，你往往会回归到原来的状态。
So whether it's a loss or it's a gain, after you experience the emotion of the loss or the gain, you tend to settle back to where you used to be.
是的。
Yeah.
或者至少，事情从来不会像我们想象的那么糟或那么好。
Or at a minimum, it's never as bad or as good as we thought it was gonna be.
那么，知道这一点为什么重要呢？
Now why is it important to know that?
知道这一点很重要，因为在变化刚开始时，当我们对自己的应对能力感到无比沮丧时，我们需要这种保证：事情实际上永远不会像我们想象的那么糟。
The reason it's important to know that is because at the outset of a change, when we're feeling so daunted by our ability to get through it, we want to have that reassurance that it's actually never gonna be as bad as we think.
但我们经常判断错误的一个最重要原因是，我们忘记了自己也会因为这段经历而改变。
But one of the biggest reasons why we get it wrong is that we forget that we too will change as a result of the experience.
我们始终在成长过程中，而当周围的世界在变化、变化正在我们身上发生时，我们却忘了它也在我们内心创造着持久的改变。
We are a work in progress, and we forget that as the world is changing around us and as a change is happening to us, it is also creating lasting change within us.
我刚刚明白了你所说的。
I just saw what you were talking about.
你以当下的自己，以为能预测未来某个时刻你会有什么感受、会成为怎样的人。
That you with the person you are in this moment, you think you can predict how you're gonna feel and who you're gonna be in a future moment.
但事实上，现在的你并不会存在于未来的那个时刻。
But the truth is the person that you are right now will not be present for the future moment
没错。
Exactly.
因为你将会因为接下来发生的事情而改变。
Because you are going to have changed based on what's happening to you next.
100%。
100%.
我们 somehow 认为，今天的自己就是最终版本，是完全开悟的玛雅。
We somehow think that the version that we are today is, like, the is the final version, the fully enlightened version of Maya.
但关键是。
But here's the thing.
我们在经历变化之后，会变成完全不同的人。
We become different people on the other side of change.
所以，当你感到无比恐惧和不知所措时，现在正在听的每个人，如果你正害怕正在经历或将要面对的某种变化，觉得‘我根本撑不过去’，那么真正该问的问题不是‘我该怎么撑过去？’
And so when you are feeling so scared and daunted, everyone listening right now who is afraid of a change that is they're currently navigating or they're going to have to navigate in the future and they think, I can't possibly get through this, the right question is not how am I going to get through this?
而是‘当我拥有了新的能力、视角、价值观和技能后，那个全新的我会如何应对这次变化？’
It's how will I, with new abilities and perspectives and values and capabilities, how will that new version of me navigate this change?
这个观点令人无比安心，因为每次我与人交谈，他们都会说：‘我当然不希望这种负面的变化发生，但说实话，我非常感激因此而成为的自己。’
There is something so reassuring in that message Because time and time again, everyone I talk to says, you know, I wouldn't have willed this negative change to happen, but damn am I grateful for the person I became as a result of it.
我已经和以前完全不同了。
I am so different than I was before.
什么是身份封闭？
What is identity foreclosure?
所以身份封闭是我小时候实际经历过的一种情况。
So identity foreclosure is something I actually experienced as a little kid.
当然，那时候我并不知道这个词。
I didn't have a name for it, of course.
它指的是我们在没有探索所有其他可用选项之前，就过早地将自己的身份固定在某件事上。
But it's when we anchor our identity to something prematurely without having explored all other available options.
所以当涉及到小提琴时，我只是顺势攀上了那列疾驰的火车，跳了上去，然后一路飞奔。
So when it came to the violin, I just kind of attached myself to that moving train, And I jumped on it, and I was just like, off to the races.
明白了。
Okay.
我会成为一名独奏小提琴家。
I'm gonna be a concert violinist.
那就是我的身份。
That's my identity.
是的
Yeah.
好的
Okay.
而那
And what that
身份预设会阻止我们更有意识地构建这些多维度的身份。
what identity foreclosure does is that it prevents us from more consciously building these multifaceted identities.
我们从家庭、老师、朋友和社区那里继承了标签和身份。
We inherit labels and identities from our families, from our teachers, from our friends, from our communities.
但我们并不总是质疑这些身份的实质，也没有主动做出选择来拓展它们。
But we aren't always interrogating what they are or making proactive choices that help expand them.
我有个朋友，她一直想结婚，是的。
I have a friend who always wanted to get married Yeah.
但还没找到那个人。
And hasn't found the person.
是的
Yep.
还没有
Not yet.
然而，这正是他们所挣扎的问题。
And yet, it's this thing that they wrestle with.
嗯哼
Mhmm.
当你一直思考这件事，却还没发生时，你要怎么应对这种经历呢，你知道的，是的。
And how do you handle that experience when you it's something you've thought about for so long, you know Yeah.
但它还没发生。
And it hasn't happened yet.
我在书中探讨的一个主题叫做可能的自我。
One of the topics that I explore in the book is called possible selves.
哦。
Oh.
如果我喜欢那样的话。
And if I like that.
这是基本前提。
And here's the basic premise.
好的。
Okay.
在我们日常生活中，我们一直在生成可能的自我。
So all the time, we are generating possible selves as we go about our lives.
所以当你的朋友想着有一天要结婚时，她就是在生成一个可能的自我。
So when your friend is thinking about one day wanting to be married, she's generating a possible self.
是的。
Yes.
当梅决定，嘿。
When Mel decided, hey.
你知道吗？
You know what?
我想我应该做一个播客。
I think I should do a podcast.
她正在想象一个可能的自己。
She was imagining a possible self.
当我还是个青少年时，得知她不能再拉小提琴，必须想办法重新塑造自己，她也在生成一个可能的自己。
When I, as a teenager, learned that she could no longer play the violin and had to figure out how to find some way to reinvent herself, she too was generating a possible self.
是的。
Yes.
所以可能的自我可以分为三类。
And so possible selves come into three buckets.
有希望的自我。
There's hope for selves.
嗯，对。
Uh-huh.
这些反映了我们对未来可能发生的美好愿望。
Those reflect our dreams of what we hope will happen in the future.
恐惧的自我反映了我们对未来可能发生的事情的焦虑和担忧。
Feared selves reflect our anxieties and our worries about what might happen in the future.
而预期的自我则反映了最有可能发生的事情，无论是好是坏。
And then expected selves reflect what is just most likely to happen, good or bad.
所以，是的，我现在就可以告诉你，梅尔，我真的很想成为下一个泰勒·斯威夫特。
So, yes, I could tell you right now, Mel, I'd really love to become the next Taylor Swift.
可惜了。
Too bad.
我不懂唱歌。
Don't know how to sing.
也不会写歌。
Don't know how to write songs.
而且很可能五年后，我依然会是一名认知科学家。
And probably in five years, I'm still gonna be a cognitive scientist.
对吧？
Right?
展开剩余字幕（还有 480 条）
这就是我的预期自我。
So that's my expected self.
明白吗？
Okay?
当重大变化来临时，我们原本希望保持敞开的那些门可能会全部关闭。
So what can happen when a big change comes our way is that all of these doors close that we were hoping would stay open.
而现在，你预期的是。
And now you expected.
我们所预期的是。
That we expected.
或者你所害怕的是。
Or that you feared.
现在，也有一大堆我们害怕的门被打开了。
Now a bunch of doors also open that we fear.
我从未想过我的人生可能会变成这样，我不希望那扇门打开。
I'd never thought that my life could maybe turn out this like I didn't I don't want that door to open.
那扇门太可怕了。
That door is so scary.
我不喜欢那个未来的样子。
I don't like what that future looks like.
从我的研究中，我了解到，当我们想象可能的自我时，有时会因为刻板印象、经历、社会规范等，对自身可能性的想象过于局限。
And what I've learned from my research is that when it comes to imagining possible selves, we can sometimes have an overly constrained imagination for what is possible for us based on stereotypes, experiences, social norms, you name it.
我们有多少次被突然推入一个新环境？
How many times have we been thrust into a new environment?
突然间，我成了一个照顾者。
All of a sudden, I'm a caregiver.
突然间，我成了一个慢性病患者。
All of a sudden, I'm a chronically ill person.
突然间，我失业了。
All of a sudden, I'm jobless.
我们一直害怕自己可能会变成什么样的人。
And we've been so afraid about who we might become.
我特别想分享的一点是，在这些转折时刻，我们如何才能构想出比以往更美好、更积极的可能自我呢？
And one thing that I am so eager to spread is, well, in those moments of inflection, how can we conjure up more promising, positive, possible selves than we previously imagined?
现在是个很好的暂停时刻。
This feels like a good moment to take a pause.
我想给我们出色的赞助商一个机会，让他们说几句话。
And I wanna give our amazing sponsors a chance to share a few words.
我也想让你有机会把这一集和这些工具分享给正在经历变化的身边人。
And I also want to give you a chance to share this episode and these tools with somebody in your life that's going through change right now.
这可能是他们帮助自己度过人生下一章所需要的全部，别走开。
This could be exactly what they need in order to help themself navigate this next chapter of their life and don't go anywhere.
因为沙尔卡博士和我将在短暂休息后等你。
Because Dr.
沙尔卡博士和我将在短暂休息后等你。
Shankar and I will be waiting for you after this short break.
别走开。
Stay with me.
欢迎回来。
Welcome back.
我是你们的朋友梅尔·罗宾斯。
It's your buddy, Mel Robbins.
今天，我和一位博士一同在这里陪伴大家。
Today, you and I are here with Doctor.
尚卡尔是一名认知科学家，他正在为我们讲解，当生活诸事不顺时，该如何和过去告别，重塑自我。
Shankar, cognitive scientist who's teaching us how to move on from the past and reinvent yourself in those moments when life is not going your way.
好的，博士，
So, Dr.
尚卡尔，我想先聊聊这个「同一性早闭」的问题，耽误您一小会儿。
Shankar, I wanna hover for just a second on this identity foreclosure thing.
我想聚焦这样一种经历：年轻时你拥有能做某件事的条件，后来却再也无法继续这件事了。
And I'd like to focus on the experience of when you have something when you're young that then you can no longer do.
我很好奇，针对那些曾经是明星运动员、却突然无法再参与体育活动的人，你有没有什么相关研究结论或者具体建议可以分享？
And I'm just curious, is there any research or any specific advice that you have to somebody who was like the star athlete and all of a sudden they don't have sports?
或者曾经是数学尖子生？
Or who was the star math student?
是的。
Yes.
而现在他们进入了职场丛林，却感到迷失了方向。
And now they're in the corporate war world, and they're just lost.
你能稍微谈一谈这个吗？
Like, it's sort of the can you talk a little bit about this?
因为
Because
是的。
Yes.
仅仅因为他们失去了做那件事的能力，仅仅因为他们不再是明星运动员了，或者不再是顶尖的数学学生，并不意味着他们通过这些经历所培养的所有软技能和硬技能、所有积累的经验、智慧和知识，都无法在未来的生活中发挥重要作用。
Just because they've lost the ability to do that thing, just because they're not the star athlete anymore, just because they're not the top math student, doesn't mean that all of the soft and hard skills that they built, all the experiences they had, all the wisdom and knowledge they accrued as a result of doing those things can't serve them meaningfully in what comes next.
所以我们觉得自己失去了一切。
So we feel like we lost everything.
但事实上，当涉及到小提琴时，你猜我还保留着什么？
But, actually, it turns out when it comes to the violin, guess what I'm still holding on to?
所有的毅力？
All that grit?
你猜我还用着什么？
Guess what else I'm using?
那种无畏的精神——小时候站在舞台上，在数千人面前表演。
That fearlessness, Going on stage as a little kid performing in front of thousands of people.
这些品质如今在我作为作家、播客主持人和认知科学家的角色中依然帮助着我，对吧？
That's helping me today in my roles that I have, right, as a writer, podcaster, cognitive scientist.
因此，当他们不再是那个数学尖子生或明星足球运动员时，真正该问自己的问题是：这个人还能成为谁？
And so the relevant question to ask themselves when they're no longer that math student or that star soccer player is, who else can this person be?
你把价值附着在了标签上。
You apply the worth to the label.
没错。
Exactly.
当标签消失且身份封闭发生时，我们会错误地认为藏在表面之下的所有价值也都消失了。
And when the label is gone and identity foreclosure happens, we make the mistake of thinking that all of the value that was underneath the surface is gone too.
说得太对了。
That's exactly right.
我想为你读一段你书中的第三章内容。
I wanna read to you, from chapter three of your book.
我们大多数人都经历过陷入负面思维漩涡的感觉。
Most of us know what it's like to get caught in a negative mental spiral.
许多事情都可能引发这些持续不断、令人窒息的循环，但诱因通常是生活中的某种变化。
Any number of things can trigger these unrelenting, suffocating loops, but the catalyst is typically a change in our lives.
我们的新焦虑、遗憾和不确定性可能会自行滋生，成为比变化本身更难应对的挑战。
Our new anxieties, regrets, and uncertainties can take on a life of their own and become a bigger challenge to deal with than the change itself.
这些想法就像寄生在我们心理中的思维蠕虫，劫持我们的注意力，煽动我们最深的恐惧。
These thoughts become like mind worms nestling in our psyches, hijacking our attention and stoking our biggest fears.
我怎么了？
What's wrong with me?
我怎么会没料到这件事会发生呢？
How could I not have seen this coming?
他们怎么能这样对我？
How could they do that to me?
接下来会发生什么？
What's going to happen?
让我们谈谈当你陷入思维漩涡时该怎么办。
Let's talk about what to do when you are stuck in a mental spiral.
我们之前谈到过，我们的大脑并不擅长应对不确定性。
So we talked about how our brains aren't wired to, uncertainty.
我们想要一种被称为认知闭合的状态。
We want what's called cognitive closure.
认知闭合？
Cognitive closure?
是的。
Yes.
那是什么？
What is that?
这意味着我们想要非黑即白的答案。
What that means is we want black and white answers.
我们想要清晰、明确的答案。
We want clear, definitive answers.
是的。
Yeah.
我想要的是我期望的可能自我和我期待的可能自我。
I want the possible self that I'm hoping for and the possible self that I expected.
我不想要这两者之间的任何东西。
I don't want any of this stuff in between.
没错。
Exactly.
好的。
Okay.
但你猜怎么着？
But guess what?
当重大变化发生，我们从废墟中爬出来时，没有黑白分明的答案。
When a big change happens and we climb out from the rubble, there's no black and white.
一切都是灰色的。
It's all gray.
这让我们感到无比焦虑。
And that makes us feel so much anxiety.
确实让我感到焦虑。
Certainly makes me feel anxiety.
我不喜欢失去控制的感觉。
I don't like being out of control.
当你身处变革的漩涡中时，你唯一感受到的就是失控。
And when you're in the throes of change, all you feel is out of control.
那么我们的大脑会怎么做呢？
So what does our mind do?
我不知道。
I don't know.
嗯，它开始恶性循环，但为什么会这样呢？
Well, it starts spiraling, but why does it do that?
它开始恶性循环，这根本没用。
It starts It's so not helpful.
它开始恶性循环，是因为它试图以它熟悉的方式重新掌控局面，也就是我们以为：也许我能用思考来解决这个问题，但这只是虚幻的泡沫。
It starts spiraling because it's trying to regain control in the way that it knows how, which is we think, maybe I can outthink this problem, but it's fool's gold.
你会想，如果我能弄清楚——比如说，你正在经历一段感情的结束。
You think, if I could just figure out let's say you're you're navigating a breakup.
如果我能弄清楚他为什么不再爱我，嗯。
If I could just figure out why he stopped loving me Mhmm.
那我就能最终放下，开始另一段关系。
Then I can finally move on and enter another relationship.
如果我能弄清楚所有能让我家人安全的方法，那我就能真正平静地向前走。
If I can just figure out all the ways that I can keep my family safe, then I can actually move on peacefully.
如果我能分析过去所犯的每一个错误和所有可能的遗憾，我就永远不会在未来再犯这些遗憾了。
If I can analyze every mistake I've made in the past and every regret I possibly have, then I'll never make those regrets in the future.
所以我们有一种虚假的错觉，以为自己正在真正解决面临的问题和挑战，但实际上我们只是反复循环着同样的负面想法，因为生活中很多问题根本就没有答案。
So we have this false sense that we're actually making progress on the problems and challenges we're facing, but we're actually just looping over the same negative thoughts over and over again because a lot of questions in life don't actually have answers.
但我们的大脑，
But our brains,
它们还没跟上这种智慧。
they don't they haven't caught up to that wisdom yet.
所以你拥有了这么多工具。
So you've got all these tools.
天啊，我们真需要这个吗？
God, do we need this?
我们从第一个开始吧，认知重评。
Let's start with the first one, cognitive reappraisal.
那是什么？
What is that?
认知重评说白了就是一个听起来很高大上的术语，其实没必要那么复杂，它 simply 指的是我们通过以不同的方式解读情境，来改变它对我们情绪的影响。
Cognitive reappraisal is, again, one of those fancy pants terms that doesn't need to be fancy, which simply means that we interpret a situation differently in order to alter the emotional impact it has on us.
好的。
Okay.
所以让我试着用我能理解的方式表达一下。
So let me try to put that in a way that I would understand.
你是要欺骗自己，或者给蛋糕多加点甜美的糖霜，好让自己朝着希望的方向前进，而不是被恐惧牵着走。
You are going to gaslight yourself or you're gonna put nicer icing on the cake in order to get you to direct yourself at the expector of the hope to not the fear.
你是在做这个吗？
Is that what you're doing?
你到底在做什么？
What are you doing?
改变你对情境的看法。
Going to change the way you think about a situation.
你会有本能的反应，好的。
You have a you have a gut reaction Okay.
关于你以某种方式存在，好吧。
To your being a certain way Okay.
或者关于某种情况以某种方式发展。
Or a situation unfolding in a certain way.
是的。
Yes.
你会有意识地改变你的解读方式。
And you're going to deliberately change your interpretation.
这会是一个例子吗？
Would this be an example of one?
因为我之前在播客上采访过一位哀伤领域的专家，他说过一句话，我永远都不会忘记：当你陷入‘如果’的漩涡中，比如‘如果当时这样’、‘如果当时那样’，今天早上我打电话给我妈妈时就用了这句话，因为她们一位朋友上周末突然去世了。
Because I talked to somebody who, on this podcast who is an expert in grief, and he said something that I will never ever ever forget, which is if you're in a spiral around what ifs, what if, if, what if this, what if that and I actually use this on the phone with my mom this morning because they had a friend who died over the weekend very, very suddenly.
于是我跟她分享了这个重新解读的方法。
And I shared this little reframe with her.
所以，妈妈，大卫·凯斯勒刚和我们做了一期节目，他建议你改说‘即使’。
So David Kessler, mom, just did an episode with us, and he suggests that you say even if.
即使如此。
Even if.
即使如此。
Even if.
我发现这真的非常有力量。
And I find I found it to be so powerful.
是的。
Yeah.
因为如果那个人已经离开了，没有任何事情能让他们回来。
Because if the person is gone, there is nothing that brings them back.
而我们所有的担忧，都是试图理解这件事，这非常、非常、非常正常，但实际上什么也改变不了，只会让你产生一种虚假的感觉，好像本可以做点什么。
And all of the worrying that we're doing, is trying to make sense of it, which is super, super, super normal, doesn't actually do anything but make you feel this false sense like there could have been something.
所以我觉得‘即使如此’这个说法真的很有力，我也能想到在分手时也可以用‘即使如此’。
And so the even if, I thought was really powerful, and I could see how you could use even if in a breakup.
即使我这样做了。
Even if I did this.
即使我做了那件事。
Even if I did that.
即使我做了另一件事。
Even if I did the other thing.
嗯哼。
Mhmm.
这是你在说的吗
Is that an example of what you're
吗？
talking about?
你正在重新定义一种情境，这改变了你对它的感受。
You're reframing a situation, and it's altering the way you feel about it.
百分之百。
100%.
这就是重新评估。
That's reappraisal.
是的。
Yeah.
这并不意味着它不公平。
It doesn't mean that it wasn't fair.
这并不意味着
It doesn't mean that
当然。
it Absolutely.
所有事实都是
All the facts are
依然成立。
still true.
所有事实都存在，这并不意味着你不会感到悲伤或其他情绪，但这种从我想要的、希望的和期待的事情中来回摇摆的状态。
All the facts are it doesn't mean you're not gonna grieve or anything, but that sort of bouncing from what I wanted and what I hoped and what I expected.
天哪。
Oh my god.
我的恐惧是，现在我无法应对这一切。
My fear, now I can't handle this.
而且我需要稳住局面，感觉良好并掌控一切，对我来说，就是这样。
And the need to kinda land the plane and feel okay and in control, like, to me, okay.
很好。
Great.
我以为那就是它的意思。
I thought that's what that was.
是的。
Yes.
你提到了另一个概念，那就是心理时间旅行。
You have another one that you referenced, which is mental time travel.
是的。
Yes.
我们的大脑具有非凡的能力，可以回到过去或展望未来。
So our brains have a remarkable ability to go into the past and into the future.
当我们陷入令人沮丧的心理漩涡时，这对我们来说可能是一种优势。
And this can be an asset to us when we are navigating a really frustrating mental spiral.
你实际上已经向我们传授了很多关于这一点的知识，因为你教会了我们，可以回顾过去，告诉自己：我已经不是那个人了。
You've actually taught us a lot about that because you've taught us that we can look back at the past and go, well, I'm not that person anymore.
就像，我
Like, I
看看大学时期的自己。
look at the college version of myself.
我觉得，那时候真是 dysfunctional 的巅峰，梅尔。
I'm like, that was peak dysfunction, Mel.
我已经不是那个人了。
I'm not that person anymore.
谢天谢地。
Thank god.
你还说过，可能的自我是一种你投射到未来的方式。
And you've also said that this possible the possible selves are a way that you project into the future.
是的
Yeah.
所以你已经向我们证明了
So you've proven that
给我们。
to us.
所以，如果你的反复思考有特定主题，你可以做的就是进入未来，想象一下：玛雅，凌晨三点醒来，还在反复思虑。
So and it's if there's a specific topic to your rumination, what you can do is you can travel into the future and say, so Maya, three in the morning, wakes up ruminating.
对吧？
Right?
在那一刻，我需要做的是，不断重播这次令人极度沮丧的遭遇，是的。
What I need to do in that moment is I'm replaying this extremely frustrating encounter Yeah.
比如说，和一位同事的冲突。
Let's say with a coworker.
好的。
Okay.
对吧？
Right?
或者说，是前台或者其他什么人。
Or let's say with a receptionist or whatever it is.
好的。
Okay.
我问自己：五个钟头后、五天后、五年后，我会怎么看待这件事？
I ask myself, how am I gonna feel about this five hours from now, five days from now, and five years from now?
这个快速的心理练习，只需要五秒钟，就能提醒你：当前的处境是暂时的，你现在的困扰，未来很可能显得不那么重要。
And what that quick mental exercise does, it's just five seconds of thinking, is it reminds you that your current situation is transient, and the problem, your current preoccupation is probably going to feel less significant to you moving forward.
而当我感觉五年后自己依然会为此担忧时，我会回想过去那些同样坚信自己会永远陷在这种思维漩涡中、但最终证明自己错了的时刻。
And what I've done in those moments where I feel like I am still gonna be worried in whatever, five years, is to mind my past and surface moments in which I was similarly convinced that I was gonna be stuck in this mental spiral indefinitely, but I turned out to be wrong.
或者那些我展现出自己都没意识到的韧性的时刻。
Or moments where I showed resilience in the face of adversity that I did not think I had.
因此，我们可以利用这一点，走向这条路径。
And so we can leverage we can go into the path.
我们也可以回顾过去，尤其是在对全球发生的事情感到恐惧的时候。
We can also go into the past, by the way, when we're scared of what's happening globally.
我们可以说，看吧。
And we can say, look.
这并不是人类第一次面临我们现在所经历的这类挑战，但通过自我牺牲和集体行动，我们最终走向了更好的境地。
It's not the first time humanity has faced these sorts of challenges that we're going through right now, but a combination of self sacrifice and collective action led us to a better spot.
所以，这种心理上的时光旅行是一种非常灵活且有用的工具。
So this is a mental time travel is a wonderfully flexible, helpful tool.
还有另一件事，梅尔。
And and here's the other thing, Mel.
并不是每个人都能随便搭上一架飞机，说：好吧，我要通过搬到另一个国家来重塑自己，然后辞职。
Not everyone has the ability to just, like, get on a jet and be like, okay.
我要搬到另一个国家来重塑自己，然后辞职。
I'm gonna reinvent myself by, like, moving to another country, and I'm gonna quit my job.
但事实并非如此。
And it's like, no.
我们大多数人还得继续工作。
Most of us have to keep our jobs.
明白吗？
Okay?
而且我们大多数人还得住在目前的房屋或公寓里。
And most of us have to live in the homes or apartments that we're currently in.
嗯。
Mhmm.
所以我的目标是弄清楚，我们如何才能在这里实现这种转变？
And so my goal was to figure out, well, how can we have that reinvention happen in here?
顺便说一下，如果你在听，她正指着自己的大脑。
And in here, by the way, if you're listening, she's pointing to her brain.
是的。
Yeah.
到我的大脑里。
To my brain.
这是一个非常重要的观点。
This is a really important note.
这种重塑，我们思考它时，会想到你放在愿景板上的东西。
That reinvention, we think about it, and we think about the thing that you put on your vision board.
我们会想到你所构想的未来，那个你可以想象出来的画面，以及所有外在的物质和它将呈现的样子。
We think about the future that you're gonna cast forward that you can visualize and all the physical stuff and what it's gonna look like.
你是在说，真正的自我重塑，尤其是在变化的时刻，发生在你内心的思想中。
You're saying that true reinvention when it comes to yourself and moments of change happens internally in your own mind.
完全正确。
That's exactly right.
因为我们无法控制实际上发生在我们身上的事情。
Because we cannot control, in fact, what happens to us.
这就是所谓的‘随它去’的本质。
That is the nature of let them.
我认为我们今天所讨论的内容、我们正在剖析的工具，以及你教给我们的思维转变，真的会很有帮助。
I think what we're talking about today and the tools that we're unpacking and the kind of mindset shifts that you're teaching us, I think it's really gonna help.
因为当变化发生时，它会让人感到极其压倒性，你可能会觉得自己被它碾压了。
Because when change happens, it's so damn overwhelming that you can just feel like you're getting run over by it.
我很兴奋能与大家分享这些内容，因为这些都是你可以抓住的工具，帮助你应对当前的处境。
And I'm excited to share this with people because these are things that you can hold on to to help you navigate where you are right now.
接下来我想做的是。
And here's what I wanna do.
我想稍作停顿。
I wanna take a quick pause.
我想给我们出色的赞助商一些时间，让他们说几句话，同时也希望你们能将这些内容分享给生活中正在经历变化的人，那些需要工具来摆脱过去、正在重塑自我或经历失去的人，Dr.
I'd love to give our amazing sponsors a chance to share a few words, and I wanna give you a chance to share this with people in your life who are navigating change right now, people who need tools to be able to move on from the past, somebody who's reinventing themselves or experiencing a loss, the things that Dr.
Shankar 所分享的内容，可能正是帮助他们打开新可能性之门的关键。
Shankar are sharing may be the exact thing that helps them open the door to a new possibility.
难道他们不值得拥有这些吗？
And don't they deserve that?
当然值得。
Of course, do.
好了。
Alright.
别走开。
Don't go anywhere.
短暂休息后，我们马上回来等你。
We're gonna be waiting for you after this short break.
继续和我在一起。
Stay with me.
欢迎回来。
Welcome back.
我是你的朋友梅尔·罗宾斯。
It's your buddy Mel Robbins.
今天，我们要讨论的是，当生活不如意、变化发生时，如何放下过去并重塑自我。
Today, we are talking about how to move on from the past and reinvent yourself when life is not going your way, when change is happening.
我感到备受鼓舞，因为我们刚才聊到的内容太棒了。
And I am feeling inspired because I love some of the stuff we've been talking about.
我特别喜欢这三个可能的自我。
I particularly love the three possible selves.
这是一个我会坚持使用的框架。
That's a framework I'm gonna hold on to.
我相信你已经和你关心的人分享过这些，因为你正在学习一些东西。
I'm sure you have shared this with people you care about because you're learning something.
所以，尚卡尔博士，
So, Dr.
你有一个我想讨论的工具。
Shankar, you have a tool that I would love to discuss.
那我们来谈谈这个吧。
So let's talk about this.
视觉上的自我抽离。
Visual self distancing.
那是什么？
What is that?
是的
Yeah.
我们使用这个工具的目的，就是尽可能在我们自己和正在试图解决的问题之间创造心理上的距离。
So what we're trying to do with this tool is just create as much psychological distance as we can between us and the problem we're trying to solve.
好的
Okay.
因为很多时候，当我们深陷其中时，会充满强烈的情绪，感到愤怒、沮丧或有很多负面感受
Because oftentimes, when we're immersed in it, we have all of these heated emotions, and we're feeling pissed off or feeling frustrated or feeling a lot
和悔恨。
of regret.
举个例子。
An example.
现在很多人正在失去工作。
A lot of people are losing their jobs right now.
对。
Yes.
因此，让我们使用这种视觉自我疏离的工具，来帮助一位刚刚失去工作的人。
And so let's use this tool of visual self distancing to help somebody who's in a situation where they have just lost their job.
对。
Yep.
现在他们觉得自己是个失败者。
And now they feel like a loser.
对。
Yep.
现在他们因为工作方式的种种变化而感到步履维艰。
And now they feel flat footed because of all of the change in the ways that people are working.
我该如何用这个方法摆脱这种消极的自我对话？
How do I use this to get out of that negative self talk?
视觉自我疏离意味着以鸟瞰的角度来看待你的问题。
So visual self distancing means taking a bird's eye view on your problems.
好的。
Okay.
因为关键是这样。
Because here's the thing.
如果你以第一人称视角叙述自己的处境，这就是你事后会说的话。
If you're a first person narrator of your own situation, here here's what you're saying afterwards.
听起来像什么？
Sound like?
我是个失败者。
I'm a loser.
是的。
Yep.
我没有任何未来。
I have no future.
我太可悲了。
I'm pathetic.
再也不会有人尊重我了。
No one's gonna respect me anymore.
我不爱自己。
I don't love myself.
谁会爱我呢？
How could anyone ever love me?
我太老了。
I'm too old.
我搞不懂这个。
I can't figure this out.
对。
Yep.
我把自己的事业搞砸了。
I've screwed up my career.
是的。
Yeah.
而且，一想到要学这一套新技能，我就感到非常畏惧。
Also, I'm so intimidated by having to learn this new set of skills.
是的。
Yes.
我该怎么办？
What am I gonna do?
这就是自我对话的样子，也是它为什么如此迅速变得消极的原因。
That's what the self talk version looks like and why it turns negative so quickly.
因为归根结底，大多数人对自己最缺乏同情心。
Because at the end of the day, most people have the least amount of compassion for themselves.
没错。
True.
这确实是我。
That's certainly me.
我对别人有非常多的同情心。
I have so much compassion for other people.
我给自己留的，梅尔，大概只有百分之零点二。
I reserve, Mel, roughly point 2% for myself.
好吧？
Okay?
所以我对自己非常苛刻。
So I am incredibly harsh on myself.
我特别爱自我批评，而且我总是第一个说：我搞砸了。
I'm super self critical, and I'm gonna be the first person to be like, I screwed up.
现在这使得我的婚姻非常融洽，因为我丈夫和我都是这样的人。
Now it makes for a really nice marriage because my husband and I are both like this.
所以，通常我们会彼此说：我搞砸了。
So, typically, we end up being like, I messed up.
不。
No.
是我搞砸了。
I messed up.
但在其他情况下，这样的心态并不健康。
But there's other scenarios where being like that is not healthy.
这对你的积极自我对话不利。
It's not great for your positive talk.
明白吗？
Okay?
当你从更高的视角看待问题，像对待朋友一样引导自己时，你就是在引入自我同情。
And so when you take a bird's eye view, when you essentially coach yourself like you would a friend, you're bringing self compassion to the table.
你不会对朋友说：嘿，Maya，你知道吗？
You wouldn't go to your friend and be like, hey, guess what, Maya?
你是个失败者。
You're a loser.
你太可怜了。
You're pathetic.
明白吗？
Okay?
不会的。
No.
你怎么会认为自己没有未来呢
How you you have no future ahead
你不会这么说自己的。
of you.
不会。
No.
你永远不会这样对我说。
You would never say that to me.
永远不会。
Ever.
你会积极行动的。
You would be productive.
你会试着纠正我对自己的一些误解。
You would try to correct some some of my misunderstandings about myself.
你会戳破我的那些叙事，因为你能更客观地看待事情，不会被情绪蒙蔽。
You would poke holes in my narratives because you would see things more objectively without that cloud of emotions.
所以，与其说‘我需要把事情整理好’，你不如说‘玛雅，你需要把事情整理好’。
So rather than saying, I need to get my stuff together, you say, Maya, you need to get your stuff together.
哦。
Oh.
明白？
Okay?
这听起来像是个小技巧，但它非常有效。
That small little sounds like a little gimmick, but it is so effective.
无论在哪个领域，无论情绪强弱，这都是最有力的工具之一。
And across domains and intensity of emotions, it is one of the most powerful tools.
你把焦点从‘我就是问题本身’，转变为提醒自己：这是一个所有人都会遇到的普遍问题。
You change the focus from feeling like you're the problem to reminding yourself that this is a universal problem that the collective you all shares.
你知道的，
Well, you know
有趣的是，当你说到‘玛雅，你得振作起来’的时候。
what's interesting is when you said, Maya, you gotta pull it together.
是的
Yeah.
或者，Mel，别再抱怨了，去网上报名参加这个课程，积极面对它。
Or Mel, stop complaining about this and sign up for the tutorial online and lean into this.
Mel，拿起电话给朋友打个电话，告诉他们你被裁员了。
Mel, start picking up the phone and just calling friends and telling them that you got laid off.
而且，你知道，你真的很希望有机会和他们聊聊，听听他们觉得你接下来该怎么做。
And, you know, you would really appreciate a chance to just talk about, you know, what they think you should do next.
就像，Mel，别怂，振作起来，这是我妈妈常说的话，赶紧去更新简历。
Like, Mel, pull your big girl panties on, that's what my mom always used to say, and work on that resume.
重新走出去。
Like, get back out there.
问问你自己会怎么建议朋友。
Ask what you would tell a friend.
对。
Correct.
但有趣的是，当你用自己的名字时，我有过这样的经历，当你说到‘玛雅’的时候。
But what's interesting is when you use your own name I had this experience when you said, Maya.
你对自己说了什么？
What did you say to yourself?
玛雅？
Maya?
我试着用了个职场术语。
I tried to use a PC term.
是收拾好你的东西。
It was get your stuff together.
玛雅？
Maya?
得了吧。
Come on.
你得振作起来。
You gotta pull yourself together.
我几乎能感觉到有个小教练在那儿，是的。
I could almost feel like there was a little coach Yeah.
站在你身后说：来吧，加油。
Standing behind you going, come on now.
来吧，加油。
Come on now.
你当时好像跳出了自己。
You were outside of yourself.
没错。
Exactly.
现在你说，分心可以成为摆脱过去和负面自我对话的一种工具。
Now you say distraction can be a tool to get out of the past and this negative self talk.
我需要多听听这方面的观点，因为现在分心在世界上是个非常负面的东西。
And I need to hear more about this because distraction is a very negative thing in the world right now.
是的。
Yes.
我认为，有一种非常有害的流行观点认为，如果我们不在生活发生负面变化后持续直接地面对自己的负面情绪，这些情绪迟早会以更猛烈的方式反弹回来。
I think there is a really harmful popular narrative that if we don't persistently and directly confront our negative emotions after some negative change happens in our lives, those emotions are gonna rear their ugly head with greater vengeance down the line.
但研究实际上表明，情况要复杂得多。
The research actually shows that the story is much more complex.
对很多人来说，分散注意力是一种非常有用且有效的工具。
Distraction is a very helpful, productive tool for a lot of people.
如果你发现看奈飞、和朋友聊天、去跑步能让你在某一天感到快乐，而且你并不觉得那些负面情绪正试图强行涌现，或者你是在主动压抑它们，那么这很可能对你来说是一个非常好的应对方式。
If you find that watching Netflix, having a conversation with a friend, going on a run is bringing you joy on any given day, and you don't feel like those negative emotions are trying to, like, force their way through and you're actively suppressing them, chances are it's a really good tool for you to be using.
所以，梅尔，我讨厌这种观点的原因是，我不希望人们既要承受悲伤或所面临挑战的负担，还要额外背负一种压力，认为自己所使用的方法不是应对创伤或任何负面处境的‘正确’方式。
And so what I what I hate about that narrative, Mel, is that I don't want people to feel both the burden of their grief or the challenge they're going through and then an additional burden that the techniques they're using aren't the right way to get through their trauma or whatever negative situation they're going through.
实际上，并没有所谓‘正确’的方式。
There is actually no right way.
个体差异起着至关重要的作用。
Individual differences play a massive role.
所以，如果分散注意力对你有效，那就继续做你自己吧。
So if distraction's working for you, you do you.
另一件相对容易做到的事情是阅读小说。
Another thing that's fairly easy to do is to read fiction.
因此，研究人员称小说为一个身份实验室。
So researchers call fiction an identity laboratory.
因为当你阅读小说时，可以自由地探索并尝试新的身份，就像试穿衣服一样。
Because what you're able to do when you're reading fiction is to freely explore and try on for fit, if you will, new identities.
你可以预判自己在不同关键时刻会如何反应。
You can anticipate how you would respond at different junctures.
你可以尝试在日常生活中绝不会去冒的风险。
You can take risks that you would never take in normal life.
对吧？
Right?
你可以对自己进行实验。
You can you can experiment with yourself.
这就像一个游乐场，是一个完全心理安全的空间。
It's kinda like a playground, and it's a totally psychologically safe space.
因此，作为读者，我们往往会将自己的身份与所阅读的角色融合在一起。
And so we, as readers, we tend to blend our identities with the characters that we're reading.
所以这是一种探索自己可能成为谁的方式。
So that's one way to explore who else we can become.
另一种方式是我拉小提琴那段时期，我父亲给我的建议。
Another way is actually this was just advice my dad gave me when I was at that juncture with the violin.
于是我彻底失去了演奏的能力。
So I just lost the ability to play.
我当时情绪很低落。
I was feeling down in the dumps.
对吧？
Right?
身份封闭，宝贝。
Identity foreclosure, baby.
我所有的可能梦想，我原本期待的自己，都消失了。
My possible dreams, my who I expected, gone.
消失了。
Gone.
那是上大学前的夏天。
It's the summer before college.
我以为我会主修音乐表演。
I thought I was gonna major in music performance.
现在我不知道我会选什么专业了。
Now I have no idea what my major is gonna be.
对吧？
Right?
我爸爸看着我，说：‘你戴着盲人眼镜已经十年了。’
And my dad looked at me, and he was like, you've been wearing blinders for ten years.
你这个夏天除了做你正在做的工作之外，还要去——
Your job this summer, in addition to doing your job that you're just working this summer, is to yeah.
我在当地博物馆有一份工作，就是要尽可能多地接触各种想法和世界观。
I had a job at at the local museum, is to expose yourself to as many ideas and worldviews as you possibly can.
所以我的意思是，看纪录片、读书、看电视，和别人聊聊他们的经历，和他们的父母聊聊他们的经历。
So by that, I mean, watch documentaries, read books, watch TV, talk to people about their experiences, talk to their parents about their experiences.
但重要的是，这也是关键部分，梅尔，你需要带着没有任何目标的心态去进行这段探索。
But importantly, and this was the key part, Mel, you need to go on this quest with no end goal in mind.
因为如果你拼命想弄清楚我的专业会是什么，你就不会像应该的那样去探索。
Because if you're trying desperately to figure out what's my major gonna be, you're not gonna be as exploratory as you should.
对吧？
Right?
你会提前关上一些门，因为你认为它们不可能。
You're gonna preemptively close doors because you don't see them as possible.
那当你决定做出改变的时候呢？
What about when you choose to make the change?
是的。
Yes.
明白？
Okay?
所以你知道，很多时候你以为事情会很好。
So, you know, because oftentimes, you think it's gonna be good.
是的。
Yes.
但即使会感到不适、充满不确定性，为自己生活带来改变是否仍有价值呢？
But is there value in creating change in your own life even, you know, though it's gonna feel uncomfortable and you're gonna be uncertain?
我的意思是，不适感是释放我们大脑潜能的关键。
I mean, discomfort is the key to unlocking our brain's potential.
神经科学已经证明了这一点。
That's what the neuroscience shows.
我们拥有惊人的神经可塑性，这基本上意味着我们的大脑能够根据我们的经历和面临的挑战重新构建自身。
So we have this remarkable ability for neuroplasticity, which basically just means our brain can rewire itself in response to our experiences and the challenges we put in front of us.
因此，每次我们让自己置身于不适的情境中，都是在增强大脑。
And so every time we put ourselves into an uncomfortable situation, we are boosting our brain.
不过，这里有个很棒的地方。
Here's the great thing, though.
当我们处于学习新事物、不得不挑战自我的位置时，因为我们正在将改变引入生活，我们经常会失败。
When we are in these positions where we're learning something new, when we're having to challenge ourselves because we're introducing change into our lives, we fail a lot.
失败是令人不适的。
Failure is uncomfortable.
但失败的作用是释放出一系列强大的神经化学物质，向大脑发出信号：嘿。
But what failure does is it releases this powerful cocktail of neurochemicals that signal to the brain, hey.
有些地方不对劲。
Something's not working.
目前的状况并不适合我。
The current setup is not serving me.
我必须重新调整，才能下次做对。
I have to rewire things in order to get them right next time.
因此，这就是我们如何利用这种惊人的神经可塑性，尽可能长时间地保持头脑敏锐。
And so that is how we tap into this amazing neuroplasticity and keep ourselves sharp as long as we possibly can.
那么，你会对那些可能在自我束缚的听众说什么呢？
So what do you say to the person listening who who may be holding themselves back?
他们陷入了一种模式。
They're in a pattern.
他们在看着那些门。
They are looking at the doors.
他们看到了自己希望成为的人。
They see who they hope to become.
他们知道自己大概会成为什么样的人，尤其是如果不做出这种改变的话。
They know who they kind of expect to become, especially if they don't make this change.
是的。
Yes.
因为如果你在考虑找工作，却什么也不做，那你就会一直待在那份工作上。
Because if you're thinking about looking for a job, but you're not doing anything, you can expect to stay at that job.
如果你在考虑跑马拉松，却从不买跑鞋，那你注定跑不了马拉松。
If you're thinking about running the marathon, but you never actually buy the sneakers, you can expect to never run the marathon.
对。
Correct.
他们盯着恐惧之门，想着：但如果这样怎么办？如果那样怎么办？
They're staring at the fear door thinking, oh, but what if this, what if that?
所以他们正处于那种积极等待的时刻。
So they are in that moment where you are actively waiting.
你在抚养孩子、照顾父母、完成学业、换工作间隙时，等待着改变，你有想做的事，但只是在等合适的时机。
You're waiting for change while you're raising a family, you're caring for your parents, you're finishing school, you're in between jobs, there's a thing you wanna do, but you just are waiting for the right time.
是的。
Yep.
你会怎么说？
What would you say?
任何行动都不算小。
No action is too small.
你现在就可以开始。
You can start right now.
你不需要等到孩子离家后再行动。
You do not need to wait until the kids leave the nest.
你不需要等到不再照顾他人的时候才开始。
You do not need to wait until you are no longer a caregiver.
因为关键是这样。
Because here's the thing.
假设你的目标是开一个博客，或者比如说，是的。
Let's say that your goal is to start a blog or, like yeah.
你知道吗？
You know what?
今天，我真的很想写一个Substack，因为假设你非常关心建立社群。
Today, Woke, I I really wanna write a substack because let's say you really care about building community.
你只需要每天写一分钟。
All you have to do is write for one minute a day.
原因是，零分钟和一分钟之间的差距是巨大的。
And the reason is that the difference between zero minutes and one minute is seismic.
因为当是零分钟时，什么都不会发生。
Because when it's zero minutes, nothing.
当每天写一分钟时，你就是一个作家了。
When it's one minute, you're a writer.
你已经体现了这个身份，你会朝着它不断前进，这会形成自我强化，最终带来一个良性循环，让你随着时间推移也开始真正相信这一点。
You've embodied this identity, and you're gonna build towards it, and it's gonna be self reinforcing, and it's gonna lead to this virtuous cycle where over time, you start to believe it too.
所以我会告诉人们，现在就开始吧。
So I would tell people to start now.
它可以是最微小的行动。
It can be the smallest little action.
明白吗？
Okay?
也许它只是你朝那个可能的未来自我迈出的一小步。
Maybe it's it's just one little step you take in the direction of that possible future self.
我想分享的另一件事是，科学中有一些非常有效的方法，能在我们最需要动力时帮助激发动力。
The other thing I wanna share is that there are really good techniques from science that can help drive motivation when we need it most.
好的。
K.
所以第一个方法是把巨大而令人畏惧的目标分解成小块。
So the first is to break really big daunting goals into bite sized bits K.
这样更容易管理，也能让我们在短期内获得成就感。
That feel much more manageable and where we can feel a sense of accomplishment in the short term.
把大目标分解成小目标的另一个重要原因在于，
And the other reason why it's so important to break the big goal into the small
我们要避免所谓的‘中间阶段问题’。
goals Uh-huh.
什么是中间阶段问题？
Is that we wanna avoid what's called the middle problem.
中间阶段问题指的是我们在追求目标的过程中，动机水平并不稳定。
What's the middle problem?
开始时我们会获得巨大的动力提升。
So the middle problem refers to the idea that we don't have stable amounts of motivation over the course of pursuing a goal.
但随着时间推移，这种动力往往会减弱。
We get a huge boost in the beginning.
所以这就像是新年第一天。
So this is like New Year's Day.
对吧？
Right?
我们心想，天哪。
We're like, oh my god.
我准备好了。
I'm ready to go.
我的运动鞋在哪？
Where is my gym shoes?
我出发了。
I'm off.
我要去椭圆机或者跑步机上锻炼，不管是什么设备。
You know, I'm gonna go on the elliptical or the treadmill or whatever it is.
明白吗？
Okay?
然后在最后我们会突然产生一股强大的动力，是的。
And then we get a huge burst of motivation at the end Yep.
因为我们马上就要达成目标了。
Because now we're really close to achieving goal.
所以我们会想，想象一场马拉松。
So we're like, oh, it's like think of a marathon.
你正处于最后的冲刺阶段。
You're in the final stretch.
由于即将到达终点，你会稍微加快速度，感到无比兴奋。
You actually speed up a little bit because you're so excited to almost be there.
但我们在中间阶段实际上会经历动力的低谷。
But we actually get a lull in motivation in the middle.
把大目标分解成小目标的作用，就是缩短了这段中间的持续过程。
So what breaking a big goal into smaller goals does is that it reduces the continuous length of that middle stretch.
如果你有一个为期一年的目标，那中间的低谷期就是三个月，在这段时间里动力下降，你很可能彻底放弃。
If you have a year long goal, that middle is three months where you have that drop in motivation and you're likely to just fall off the wagon altogether.
如果你有一个为期一周的目标，是的。
If you have a week long goal Yep.
那么你的中间阶段就只剩下大约两天半左右。
Now your middle is just over you know, it's like two and a half days or something.
对吧？
Right?
是的。
Yeah.
所以你现在拥有的时间范围更小，在这段时间里你会产生‘我不想做了’的想法。
So now you have a much smaller time frame in which you get that, oh, I don't wanna do this.
但确实如此。
But Yes.
好吧。
Okay.
你知道吗？
You know what?
当我接近周末时，我又重新投入进去了。
I'm right back into it as I'm getting towards the end of the week.
好的。
Okay.
所以这是第一点。
So that's the first thing.
对吧？
Right?
把大目标分解成更小的单元。
Break the big goals into small into smaller units.
第二点，这是彻底改变我生活的技巧。
The second and this is the technique that has completely transformed my life.
它叫做诱惑捆绑。
It's called temptation bundling.
好。
K.
这是由我的朋友凯蒂·米尔克曼开发的。
It's developed by my friend Katie Milkman.
你只需要在做那些实现理想自我所必需的困难事情时，同时进行一项立即带来回报的活动。
You just have to do the hard thing that is required for you to achieve your possible self with an immediately rewarding activity.
所以，一些立即令人愉悦的事情是很好的奖励。
So something that is immediately delightful is a great reward.
但重要的是，你必须在生活的其他所有方面都禁止自己享受这种小乐趣。
But importantly, you have to deny yourself access to that little fun treat in all other realms of life.
下面是我如何将它应用到我的生活中。
So here's how I've applied it to my life.
好的。
Okay.
我只在锻炼时才允许自己听泰勒·斯威夫特的新专辑。
I only allow myself to listen to Taylor Swift's new albums when I'm working out.
我非常喜欢诱惑捆绑法。
I love temptation bundling.
是的。
Yes.
我非常喜欢。
I love it.
好的。
Okay.
改变我的生活。
Change my life.
好的。
Okay.
第三个。
Third one.
我们的大脑在形成记忆以及回顾体验时，有一种有趣的特性。
We have a funny quirk in the way that our brains form memories and how we look back at an experience.
好的。
Okay.
这是我关于大脑最喜爱的见解。
This is my favorite insight about the brain.
当我上大学时学到这一点，我就想我必须成为一名认知科学家。
When I learned this in college, I thought I need to be a cognitive scientist.
好的。
Okay.
这被称为峰值-末端法则。
It's called the peak end rule.
当我们回顾一段经历时，并不会给那段经历中的每个时刻赋予同等的权重。
When we look back at an experience, we don't give every moment of that experience equal weight in our memories.
我们会过度重视经历中的峰值时刻，无论是正面还是负面的，也就是我们经历过的最具情感冲击力的瞬间，同时也会给经历的结尾赋予很大权重。
We overvalue the peak of the experience, positive or negative, just the most emotionally potent moment that we went through, And then we assign a lot of weight to the end of the experience.
因此，这就是峰值-末端法则。
Hence, the peak end rule.
那么在实际中这意味着什么？
Now what does this mean in practice?
我不知道。
I don't know.
这意味着我们无法真正控制峰值。
It means we can't really control the peak.
这超出了我们的控制范围。
That's out of our control.
对吧？
Right?
如果我正处于一些艰难的写作阶段，我肯定无法控制负面或正面情绪何时出现，以及它到底是正面还是负面的。
If I'm in, like, in a diff like, I've been in these difficult writing sessions, I definitely can't control how negative or positive and also when it happens and if it's negative or positive.
但我能控制的是结尾。
But what I can control is the end.
所以你要这么做。
So here's what you do.
你去操纵这个系统。
You hack the system.
你在工作结束时加上一些愉快的事情，或者让锻炼的结尾比原本更不痛苦，以便更积极地回忆这段经历，从而更愿意再次参与。
You tack on something joyful to the end of a working session, or you make the end of a workout slightly less painful than it otherwise might have been in order to remember the experience more favorably so that you're more likely to return to it.
所以我写完三十分钟之后，猜怎么着？
So after I do my thirty minutes of writing, guess what?
我会吃我最喜欢的糖果。
I have my favorite candy.
就像我桌上放着一小碗一样。
It's just like I have a little bowl sitting on my desk.
我就吃一颗咖啡软糖，然后对自己说，好了。
I just eat a little coffee chew, and I'm like, okay.
听起来很傻，但我向你保证，梅尔，这真的管用。
It sounds so silly, but I swear to god, Mel, it works.
因为我会回想起来，觉得：哦，也没那么糟。
Because I I think back, I'm like, oh, it wasn't so bad.
你也可以这么做。
And you can do this.
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