寻找并维系真爱的秘诀：那些无人告知的最佳建议

听起来很不错。

Sounds pretty good.

有很多安全型的约会者，但这并不是全部真相。

There's lot of secure daters out there, but that's not the whole story.

很多安全型的约会者已经处于关系中了。

A lot of the secure daters are already in relationships.

所以约会市场上有很多焦虑型和回避型的人在彼此约会。

So the dating pool has so many anxious and avoidant people dating each other.

天哪。

Oh god.

这创造了一种被称为焦虑-回避循环的现象。

And this creates something called the anxious avoidant loop.

下面是它的运作方式。

So here's how it works.

我曾经是个焦虑型的约会者。

I was an anxiously attached dater.

我的爱情故事是，我会追逐你，对你产生浓厚兴趣，然后你却退缩了。

My story of love is that I chase you, and I get really interested in you, and then you pull back.

我会努力说服你和我在一起，证明我的价值。

And I try to convince you to be with me and prove my value.

对于回避型的人来说，他们的故事是：你会让我窒息。

For the avoidant person, their story is you're gonna smother me.

你会让我不堪重负。

You're gonna overwhelm me.

我会失去所有的独立性。

I'm gonna lose all my independence.

所以他们选择了远离。

So they pull away.

焦虑型和回避型的人不断彼此约会，强化了这些非常不健康的行为模式。

So anxious and avoidant people keep dating each other, reinforcing these really unhealthy patterns.

但如果你像我一样，你只会觉得：哦，这就是爱情的样子。

But if you're like me, you just think, oh, that's what love is.

这就是约会的样子。

That's what dating is.

就是我去追逐别人。

It's I chase someone.

但当你像我一样和一个安全型的伴侣约会时，这种幻想可能会被打破，让你看到还有另一种方式。

But then when you date a secure partner like I did, it can really burst that bubble and show you that there's another way.

我记得当我和我丈夫约会时，我们已经交往了几个月，我因为某件事生他的气。

So I remember when I was dating my husband, we've been dating for a few months, and I got mad at him about something.

我做了过去在其他关系中总会做的事：拿出手机，发一堆愤怒的信息给他，抱怨他让我失望，诸如此类，其实就是想找架吵。

And I did what I always would have done in past relationships, which is take out my phone and punch away a bunch of angry text to him about how he's disappointing me and this and that, really looking for a fight.

我期待他回击我。

And I expected him to fight back.

但他是个治疗师的孩子，回信给我时说：哇。

But then he, child of a therapist, wrote back to me and said, wow.

听起来你真的很生气。

It sounds like you're really upset.

我们应该当面讨论这件事。

We should discuss this in person.

那是一个非常重要的时刻，因为他抓住了我一贯的行为模式，并彻底打断了它。

And that was such a powerful moment because he took a pattern that I had, and he really stopped it in his tracks.

这让我意识到，关系中还有另一种相处方式。

And it made me understand that there was a different way to be in relationships.

所以对我来说，十年前遇到我现在的丈夫时，我意识到我不必再陷入焦虑与回避的循环中。

So for me, ten years ago, meeting my now husband, I realized I didn't have to be in an anxious avoidant loop.

这确实是我生命中的一个关键转折点。

And that really was such a pivotal change in my life.

所以对你来说，索菲亚，我觉得理解你的依恋风格、理解为什么追逐的感觉如此令人兴奋——因为你把焦虑误认为是化学反应，

And so for you, Sofia, I feel like understanding your attachment style, understanding how the chase feels really exciting because you're confusing anxiety for chemistry.

你沉迷于戏剧性。

You're addicted to the drama.

相反，我希望你能变得更加安全可靠，同时去寻找一个同样安全可靠的伴侣。

Instead, I want you to become more secure yourself and also to go for a secure partner.

他们起初可能显得无聊，因为你太沉迷于追逐的过程和那种未知的结果，但这些人恰恰是优秀的长期伴侣。

They may seem initially boring because you're so addicted to the chase and the fact that you don't know what will happen, but these are the people who make great long term partners.

洛根，很高兴你在这里。

Logan, I am so glad you're here.

我已经学到了很多，并且开始以完全不同的方式看待这个问题。

I am already learning so much, and I'm starting to think about this completely differently.

你听这些建议和她的观点时，肯定也有同样的感受。

I'm sure you are too as you're listening to all of this advice and her perspective.

我们现在暂停一下，让我们的精彩赞助商说几句话，但请把这期内容分享给生活中所有需要听到这些的人——基本上就是所有单身、正在约会且感到沮丧的人。

We're gonna hit pause and give our amazing sponsors a chance to share a few words, but please share this with everyone in your life who needs to hear this, which is basically everybody who's single and who's dating and who's frustrated.

当我们回来时，会继续深入探讨数据和科学。

And when we return, we're gonna dig right back into the data and the science.

你可千万别走开。

So don't you dare go anywhere.

短暂休息后，我会在这里等你。

I'll be waiting for you after a short break.

别走，留下来。

Stay with me.

欢迎回来。

Welcome back.

我是你的朋友梅尔·罗宾斯。

It's your friend Mel Robbins.

今天，你和我将一起获取所有经过研究支持的建议，帮助我们自己以及那些单身、正在约会、感到沮丧的亲人，我们将和洛根·尤里一起改变这一切。

And today, you and I are getting all the research back and data supported advice that we need for ourselves and the people that we love who are single and dating and frustrated, we're changing that with Logan Urie.

当我得知你要来我们在波士顿的演播室时，我在团队会议上说，如果我们的听众、他们的朋友大量涌入问题，我们就把它们发布到网上。

So when I knew that you were gonna be here in our Boston studios, I said something in a team meeting, and it was if there was an absolute explosion of inbound questions from them, from their friends, we put it out online.

我真的不敢相信我们收到了这么多关于你的问题。

Like, I cannot believe the number of questions that we got for you.

我想读一下一位名叫弗吉尼亚的25岁女性的问题。

And I wanna read you this one from a woman named Virginia who is 25.

有很多研究指出，在线约会降低了男性的自信，让他们变得懒惰。

There are all these studies about how online dating has lowered men's confidence and made them lazier.

所以他们只是在线刷屏，而不是去酒吧主动搭讪。

So they just scroll online rather than approach someone at a bar.

这真的吗？

Is this true?

这很有趣。

That's interesting.

我并没有从性别角度去思考这个问题。

I don't think about it from a gendered perspective.

我觉得人们已经不习惯当面与人交谈了，因为他们觉得所有交流都可以在线上完成。

I do feel like people are not in the habit of talking to anyone in person because they feel like that happens online.

我们可以在很多不同的地方看到这种现象。

So we can see this in so many different places.

对吧？

Right?

你都不想给餐厅打电话。

You don't wanna call a restaurant.

你只想在手机上操作。

You just wanna do it on your phone.

你一直在通过科技与各种事物互动。

You are constantly engaging with things through technology.

所以我认为，现在人们想放纵一下，看看谁在线，谁是单身，谁可能对他们感兴趣。

And so I think right now, people want to go unhinge, see who's available, see who's single, see who might be interested in them.

这比亲自上前搭讪感觉安全多了。

And that feels so much less risky than going up to someone in person.

约会应用很棒。

And dating apps are great.

你可以认识很多原本不会遇到的人，但人们也应该培养承担风险、面对面交谈和主动出击的技能。

You can meet a lot of people you wouldn't have met otherwise, but people should also be working on the skills of taking a risk, having a conversation in person, and putting themselves out there.

我觉得这

I think this

是一个非常重要的部分，因为我确实认为，现在人们过多地把责任归咎于这些应用。

is a really important part because I do think that there's too much blaming of the apps Mhmm.

而且没有足够深入地思考，好吧。

And not enough really thinking about, okay.

周围其实有很多人。

Well, there's people all around me.

如果我排队站着，我会跟人聊天吗？

If I'm standing in a line, am I talking to people?

正如我提到的，我丈夫是在酒吧里主动跟我搭话才认识我的。

I mean, as I mentioned, my husband met me by talking to me at a bar.

如果你根本不关注应用之外的世界，我不认为你真的在约会。

And if you're not actually looking outside the apps, I don't actually think you're dating.

我特别欣赏的一位朋友是我朋友莎拉的丈夫，萨姆·帕尔。

So one of my favorite people who I really admire is my friend Sarah's husband, Sam Parr.

每当我跟萨姆聊约会的话题时，他都会谈到自己如何提升吸引力，他确实有一套明确的策略。

And whenever I talk to Sam about dating, he talks about what he did to make himself a more desirable partner, and he really had a strategy for it.

比如，他说，当一个人有热情爱好时，我觉得特别有魅力。

So for example, he said, I think it's really attractive when people have passions.

所以我要努力培养一个有趣的话题爱好。

So I'm gonna work on developing a hobby that will be interesting to talk about.

他后来对牛仔布产生了浓厚兴趣。

And he got really into denim.

当他约女生见面时，他会说：‘这周末我要去参加牛仔布交换活动。’

And when he was meeting up with girls, he would say, I'm going to this denim swap this weekend.

让我跟你聊聊日本牛仔布。

Let me tell you about Japanese denim.

那还挺酷的。

They That's kinda cool.

是的。

Yeah.

她们会觉得这很有趣。

They would find it interesting.

他确实非常突出。

He he really stood out.

他令人印象深刻。

He was memorable.

他充满热情。

He was passionate.

然后他说，我想成为一个更好的讲故事的人。

Then he said, I wanna become a better storyteller.

所以他效仿了单口喜剧演员的做法。

So he did what stand up comedians did.

他会练习讲述这些故事，观察哪些部分让人感兴趣，哪些部分让人觉得无聊。

He would practice telling the stories, see what parts people found interesting, see what they found boring.

在约会时，他就能更吸引人，讲出更好的故事。

And then on dates, he would be able to be more compelling and tell better stories.

所以我认为，我们常常向外看，说：谁才是属于我的人？

And so I think we so often look out and say, who's out there for me?

没人够格。

Nobody's good enough.

我住的城市是约会最糟糕的地方。

I live in the worst city for dating.

那你做了什么让自己成为一个更有吸引力的伴侣呢？

Well, what are you doing to make yourself a more attractive partner?

你做了什么来展示你拥有成长型思维？

What are you doing to show that you have a growth mindset?

你让自己置身于哪些场合，以便能认识更多人？

What places are you putting yourself in that would help you meet more people?

当然，这是一种双向的互动，双方都必须积极参与。

And so, of course, it's a two sided equation where both people have to show up.

但有哪些你能掌控的事情，能让你成为一个更有吸引力的伴侣呢？

But what are the things within your control that can make you more attractive as a partner?

我还有另一个问题。

Here's another question that I have.

暧昧关系一直存在，还是我们这一代人为了逃避承诺而发明的概念？

Have situationships always existed, or is this a concept our generation has invented to avoid commitment?

我经常思考这个问题，我们总是不断为同样的事情创造新术语。

I think about this a lot, how we constantly are reinventing terms for the same thing.

我们能聊聊这个吗？

Can we talk about this for a minute?

我跟不上这些术语了。

I cannot track with the terminology.

我们在一起，但不是在约会。

We're together, but we're not dating.

我们在约会，但又不是那种关系。

We're dating, but we're not like this.

我们是专属的，但又不是在约会。

We're exclusive, but we're not dating.

约会就是这么回事。

Dating is this thing.

我们就是这样，我完全搞不懂这些术语。

We're we're like, I can't understand the terminology.

那么，什么是‘情境关系’呢？

And so what is a situationship?

你对

And what do you think about

这一切怎么看？

all this?

‘情境关系’是一种没有明确定义的浪漫关系。

A situationship is an undefined romantic relationship.

所以我们一起相处，有亲密行为，但没有明确的标签。

So we're spending time together, we're hooking up, but we don't have labels.

这难道不是通过你们的行为来定义的吗？

How is that not defined by your actions?

这就是我不明白的地方。

This is the thing that I don't understand.

比如，如果你和某人发生性关系、经常和他们在一起，难道你们的行为不已经定义了你们的关系吗？

Like, don't your actions define the fact that you're in a relationship if you're having sex with somebody and you're hanging out with them?

我觉得这是更广泛讨论的一部分

I think this is part of

当人们为某事赋予语言时，它就会变得更为固化和具体。

a larger conversation about how when you apply language to something, it sort of solidifies and becomes more concrete.

但人们早就一直在进行这种非正式关系了。

But people have been doing situationships for a very long time.

我觉得我在大学时就经历过不少这样的关系，只是我们当时不这么叫它。

You know, I feel like I had plenty of situationships in college, but we didn't call it that.

现在它有了一个名称。

Now it has a term.

而如今，它却被更多地污名化了。

And then now it's more stigmatized.

但如果两个人都同意我们不是排他的，也没有未来，只是享受彼此的陪伴，我认为这种关系本身并不一定是坏事。

But I think that if two people both agree that we are not exclusive or we do not have a future together, but we're having fun together, I don't think his situationship is necessarily bad.

当其中一方没有表达自己的需求或愿望时，这种关系才会变得有害。

When it becomes harmful is when one person isn't expressing their needs or desires.

我真的很想要一段专一的关系。

I really do want something exclusive.

你和其他人约会，这让我很难受。

It hurts me that you're going on dates with other people.

我想找到一个长期的伴侣。

I want to find a long term partner.

如果对你来说也是如此，那就和对方好好谈谈，问清楚我们是什么关系。

If that is the case for you, then have a conversation with the person and say, what are we?

我有兴趣删掉Hinge。

I'd be interested in deleting Hinge.

你呢？

Would you?

那样你就能得到你需要的信息了。

Then you have the data you need.

如果你们想法一致，那就恭喜了。

If they're on the same page, congratulations.

你删掉这些应用，然后继续前行。

You delete your apps, you move forward.

如果他们不是这样，至少你也知道了。

If they're not, at least you know.

我非常注重掌握那些能让你做出正确决定的数据，而不是像很多人那样，因为害怕答案而不敢提问。

And I'm really all about know the data that empowers you so that you can make the right decision for yourself as opposed to what so many people do, which is I'm afraid of the answer, so I don't ask the question.

太对了。

Boom.

就在这里。

Right there.

你根本就没问。

You're not even asking.

你一边抱怨对方没有承诺，一边却根本不去问清楚。

You're bitching about the fact that there's no commitment and you're not actually asking for it.

你只是在期待它发生。

You're hoping for it.

我认为，很多人在感情中犯的一个巨大错误就是追逐关系的潜力，却为不可接受的行为找借口，希望只要我再多陪陪你，更多地融入你的生活，总有一天你会注意到，这段关系会变得比它实际的样子更重要。

I think one of the huge mistakes that so many people make in relationships is they chase the potential of it and you excuse away behavior that isn't acceptable, hoping that at some point, if I just hang out with you a little bit longer, if I insert myself into your life, at some point, you're gonna notice and this is gonna become something bigger than it actually is.

人们拒绝将他人的行为视为真相，也不愿为是否愿意接受这些残羹剩饭承担责任。

And there is this refusal to see people's behavior as the truth and then take responsibility for whether or not you are willing to accept these table scraps.

我完全同意你所说的每一点。

I completely agree with everything you said.

我觉得很多人

And I feel like a lot

都需要接受这一点，因为太多人约会时是看中对方的潜力，或者觉得自己能帮助对方找到更好的工作。

of people do need to embrace this because so many people date someone for their potential, or they feel like I can coach them to the better job.

我能帮他们克服社交焦虑。

I can help them overcome their social anxiety.

如果你不会因为一个人现在的样子而想和他在一起，那就不要因为期待他的潜力而和他在一起，因为你无法押注于他的未来。

I think if you would not want to be with someone for how they are now, then don't be with them because you cannot bet on their potential.

如果你这么做了，当事情没有如愿发展时，你可能会感到失望或沮丧。

And if you do, you might be disappointed or frustrated if it doesn't work out.

如果允许的话，人们会向你展示他们真实的样子。

And so people will show you who they are if you let them.

但很多时候，我们想要控制一切。

But too often, we wanna control everything.

我们想扮演导师与学徒的关系。

We want to play the mentor mentee relationship.

我们总想着，如果发生某件事，这个人或许会改变。

We wanna say, oh, I think this person could change if this just happens.

但相反，你要掌握自己人生的主动权，同时明白你不是路上每一辆车的驾驶员。

But instead, be in the driver's seat of your life, but understand that you are not the driver of every other car on

这条路。

the road.

我觉得你不是在和潜力约会。

Well, I don't think you're dating potentially.

你是在和一个项目约会。

I think you're dating a project.

而且不仅仅是不会成功，这还不公平。

And I also it's not only that it won't work out, it's that it's not fair.

就像坐在另一个位置上一样。

Like, being in the other seat.

想象一下，有人选了你，然后说：‘只要我能让她瘦一点就好了。’

Imagine somebody choosing you and going, well, if I can get her to lose a little weight.

是的。

Yeah.

或者，只要我能让她改变说话的语气。

Or if I can get her to change her tone of voice.

只要她能喜欢上体育，这段关系就能成。

Well, if I can get her to just like the sports, then this is gonna work out.

我的意思是，你会愿意和这样的人谈恋爱吗？

I mean, would you wanna be in a relationship with somebody at this And

如果我知道了这件事，我会很受伤。

that would hurt me if I found that out.

在生活的许多方面，如果你设定了一个目标，并采取某些步骤去实现它，那么事情就会如愿发生。

In many aspects of life, if you set a goal and you do certain steps to to achieve it, that will happen.

如果你有财务目标，努力赚更多钱、存更多钱；如果你想跑马拉松，遵循训练计划，你就能达成目标，因为这些事情都在你的掌控之中。

If you have a financial goal and you work on making more money and saving more money, if you wanna run a marathon and you follow a training plan, you can get there because those things are within your control.

但约会是关于你和另一个人相互选择，而你无法控制他人的行为。

But dating is about you and another person choosing each other, and you cannot control somebody else's behavior.

而这件事最难的地方在于，有时候他们就是不会选择你。

And the hardest thing about that is that sometimes they won't choose you.

总是如此。

All the time.

根据你作为这方面的教练的经验，你觉得人们在约会时最常犯的严重行为错误是什么？或者他们是如何为红灯信号找借口的？

And what do you see as kind of the top big behavior mistakes that people make when they date for the potential or when they are excusing away red flags based on your experience as a coach in this realm?

我认为人们没有退后一步、从宏观角度去真正审视他们约会的对象。

I think people don't take that step back and zoom out and really look at who they're dating.

因此，当我为约会咨询客户做指导时，我们会进行一次关系审计。

So when I work with dating coaching clients, we do a relationship audit.

我们会详细梳理他们生命中所有重要的关系。

And we really go through all the major relationships in their lives.

我们甚至从中学时期开始，从那些故事入手。

We even start in middle school, and we start with the stories.

你当时很受欢迎吗？别人对你感兴趣吗？

Were you popular and people were interested in you?

你是不是白人学校里唯一的南亚孩子，直到上大学才有人对你产生兴趣？

Were you the only South Asian kid in a white school and nobody was attracted to you until you went to college?

你是大器晚成的类型吗？

Were you a late bloomer?

真正去审视你的人生，把它看作一系列经历，以及这些经历如何塑造了今天的你。

And really looking at your life as a series of experiences and how they impacted who you are now.

然后你就会开始发现其中的模式。

And then you start to see the patterns.

真有意思。

Wow.

我还没准备好谈恋爱，所以我总是和情感上不成熟的人约会。

I'm not ready to date, so I always dated emotionally unavailable people.

然后我怪他们，但其实问题出在我自己身上。

And then I blame them, but it was really me.

或者我太乐观了，总是选择那些我认为有潜力的人，但结果是我感到沮丧，因为我约会的是他们的潜力，而不是他们的现实。

Or I'm such an optimist that I choose people because I think that they could reach their potential, but what ends up happening is I'm frustrated because I'm dating them for their potential for the project and not for reality.

所以，退一步想想，独自思考，或和治疗师、朋友一起探讨，真正问问自己：这些模式是什么？

And so taking that step back, do it alone, do it with the therapist, do it with a friend, and really say, what are the patterns?

是什么在阻碍我？

What's holding me back?

我该如何

And how can

才能在未来做出不同的选择？

I make a different choice in the future?

我觉得这是因为内心深处害怕成为那个单身的朋友。

I think it's this deep fear of being the single friend.

我想指出一件很少被提及的事情，那就是二十多岁是你人生中最艰难的十年之一，因为你前二十年都是和朋友们一起度过的。

Like, there's there's like, one of the things I wanna acknowledge that's not talked about a lot is the fact that the twenties is one of the hardest decades of your life because you've spent the first two decades moving through life with all your friends.

然后，我称之为‘大分散’的时刻发生了——大学毕业后，每个人都去了不同的城市，加入了不同的朋友圈，从事不同的工作，人生轨迹和时间表开始发生变化，你渐渐发现，有些人似乎赶在你前面，或者开始配对了。

And then what I call the great scattering happens, and everybody moves in different directions when you graduate from college and they're in different cities and different friend groups and have different jobs and then people's trajectories and timelines start to change and then you start to notice that people are either pulling ahead or so you think or they're pairing off.

我现在就在我女儿们身上看到了这种情况：以前住在一起的朋友，现在都搬去和伴侣同住了。

And I've seen this right now with my daughters where friends who are living together are now moving in with significant others.

于是，你开始拿自己的关系状态和人生里程碑与他人作比较。

And so you start to see relationship status and milestones against your own.

我认为这会引发一种恐慌感。

And I think it creates this sense of panic.

对于正在经历这种感受、觉得自己是那个单身朋友的人，你有什么想说的吗？

What do you wanna say or have someone who's listening that's feeling that, like I'm the single friend.

我是那个找不到对象的人。

I'm the one that can't find someone.

有什么好消息吗？或者，当你身处那个阶段时，你希望当时有人告诉你什么？

What is the good news, or what do you wish you knew when you were in that place?

所以我想换个角度来回答你的问题。

So I actually wanna take your question in a slightly different path,

这听起来可能有点老套，但我想说的是：珍惜你的友谊，因为朋友就是你的人生董事会。

which is that this sounds so cheesy, but the thing that I would wanna say is hold on to your friendships because your friends are your life board of directors.

这些人将影响你所有的决定。

These are the people who are gonna influence all of your decisions.

他们会帮你判断是否该去读法学院。

They're gonna help you figure out if you should go to law school.

他们会帮你摆脱一段有毒的关系。

They're gonna help you get out of that toxic relationship.

当你的孩子遇到问题时，他们会给你建议。

They're gonna advise you when your child is having a problem.

人们往往忽视友谊，因为在高中和大学时他们不断结识新朋友，却不知道30岁之后等待他们的是什么——我接触的很多客户都说，‘我需要恋爱方面的帮助，但我现在的朋友数量远不如我希望的那么多。’

And I think people take friendship for granted because they are in situations like high school and college where they're meeting a lot of different people, and they don't understand what's waiting for them on the other side of 30, which is so many of my clients that I work with say, you know, I need help with dating, but I also don't have as many friends as I want.

或者，我已经好几年没见大学时的朋友了。

Or I haven't seen my college friends in years.

因此，真正要培养这些关系，投入时间精力，飞越半个国土去见朋友，经常发消息关心他们生活中的点滴。

And so really fostering those relationships, investing in them, flying across the country and seeing people, texting them about things in their lives.

我觉得我们严重高估了找到朋友的容易程度，却低估了长期友谊的重要性。

I feel like we really overestimate how easy it will be to find a friend, and we underestimate how important those long term friendships are.

所以对于你的女儿、她的同龄人，以及所有这些人来说，你的朋友将对你的决策产生巨大影响。

And so for your daughter, for her peers, for all those people, your friends are gonna have a huge impact on the decisions you make.

因此，要明智地选择，并珍惜它们。

So choose wisely and hold on to them.

洛根，我真的很喜欢你这样条分缕析地讲解，我得暂停一下，让我们给赞助商一点时间说几句话。

Logan, I just love how you break this down, and I need to hit pause so we can give our sponsors a chance to share a few words.

请把这个节目分享给你爱的人，也请不要走开。

Please share this episode with the people that you love, and please don't go anywhere.

洛根这才刚刚开始。

Logan's only just getting started.

我还有好多问题没问呢，你可千万别走。

I got so many more questions, so don't you dare go anywhere.

广告结束后我就回来等你。

I'll be waiting for you after a short break.

别走开。

Stay with me.

欢迎回来。

Welcome back.

我是你的朋友梅尔·罗宾斯。

It's your friend Mel Robbins.

今天，你和我将一起了解那些在现代约会世界中你和你所爱之人必须掌握的数据与科学支持的策略。

And today, you and I are getting the data and science supported strategies that you need to be using and so do the people that you love in the modern dating world.

所以，洛根，消失行为已经变得非常普遍。

So Logan, ghosting has become so common.

在现代生活和约会中，人们该如何应对消失和被拒绝带来的情感压力？

How can someone navigate the emotional toll of ghosting and rejection in modern life and dating?

我们在Hinge的研究中发现了一个关于消失行为的有趣现象：当问及人们为何选择消失时，大多数受访者——占40%——表示，他们不知道该如何向对方解释自己为什么不想再见面。

The interesting thing about ghosting that we found in our research at Hinge is that when you ask people, the majority of people, 40%, say that the reason why they ghost is because they don't know how to explain to somebody why they're not interested in seeing them again.

另一方面，当你问人们，你更希望被冷处理还是被直接拒绝？

On the other hand, when you say to people, would you rather be ghosted or have somebody reject you?

85%的人说，直接拒绝我吧。

85% of people say, reject me.

虽然那一刻很痛苦，但我宁愿知道原因。

It hurts in the moment, but I'd rather know.

所以一部分人说，告诉对方原因太难了。

So one side of the population is saying, it's too hard to tell you why.

而另一部分人说，不。

And the other side is saying, no.

请告诉我为什么。

Please tell me why.

因此，我的建议是，打开手机上的备忘录应用，写一条非常简单的拒绝信息，每次都可以复制粘贴。

And so my advice for people is to open up the notes app on your phone and write a very simple rejection text that you can copy and paste every time.

把它给我们看看。

Give it to us.

嘿，某某。

Hey, so and so.

很高兴认识你，但我认为我们不适合做情侣。

It was great meeting you, but I don't think we're a romantic match.

就这样。

That's it.

简短又得体。

It's short and sweet.

你需要

Do you need

我祝你一切顺利。

a I wish you well.

我希望你过得最好。

I hope you're the best.

比如，所有

Like, all

那种类型的。

that kind that.

你可以说：祝你在铁人三项中好运。

You can say, I wish you the best of luck with your triathlon.

希望你能得到你面试的那份工作。

I hope you get that job you interviewed for.

你可以加上任何你想加的内容。

You can add whatever you want.

但我不建议添加任何反馈，因为你并不是了解这个人的人。

But what I wouldn't add is any feedback because you are not an expert on this person.

你只是刚认识他们，你并不需要向他们解释什么。

You just met them, and you don't owe them an explanation.

你欠他们的，是善意和明确的决定：我不再想见你了。

What you do owe them is the kindness and the decision of I'm not interested in seeing you again.

我们常常让对方陷入模糊的境地，疑惑着：我不知道是否该放手了，也许他只是暂时离开，也许他 later 会再联系我。

And so often, we let people just sit there in ambiguity wondering, well, I don't know if I should move on because maybe he's just away and maybe he'll text me later.

如果他能直接告诉你他对你没兴趣，这反而会给你清晰的指引，让你能够放下并去寻找别人。

If he can just let you know he's not interested, it actually gives you the clarity to move on and find someone else.

对于二十多岁的人而言，很多人会觉得：好吧，我现在处于一种暧昧关系中。

For people in their twenties, many of them feel like, okay, I'm in this situationship.

这种关系很随意，但我真的想把它发展成认真的关系。

This is like casual, but I really wanna move this to something serious.

但他们不知道该如何开启这样的对话。

But they don't know how to have the conversation.

你有什么建议？

What is your advice?

是的。

Yes.

很多人会回避‘我们到底是什么关系’这样的对话，因为他们要么不知道该怎么说，要么害怕得到自己不想听的答案。

So a lot of people do avoid the what are we conversation because they either don't know how to do it or they're afraid of the answer that they're gonna get.

所以，我们从头开始说起。

So let's start at the beginning.

我认为首先得问问自己，为什么你想进行这场对话。

I think first, check-in with yourself about why you wanna have this conversation.

对于一些焦虑型依恋的人来说，他们往往会急于展开这场对话，因为他们只是想把对方锁定住。

For some people who are anxiously attached, they actually rush to this conversation because they just wanna lock somebody down.

所以如果你是这样的人，不妨和朋友聊聊，做个内心确认。

And so if you are somebody like that, gut check with a friend.

我们已经约会这么久了。

We've been dating for this long.

这是我们一起做过的事情。

This is what we've done together.

先确认一下，现在是不是提出这个问题的好时机。

Just gut check that it's a good time to bring it up.

然后你可以更直接地开口，比如：嘿。

Then you can bring it up more directly like, hey.

我真的很喜欢你。

I'm really interested in you.

我希望能成为彼此的唯一。

I'd love to be exclusive.

你感觉怎么样？

How are you feeling?

或者如果你需要一点帮助，你可以说，我们待会儿要见我的同事。

Or if you need a little help, you know, you can say, we're gonna be meeting my coworkers later.

我该叫你什么？

What should I call you?

你可以慢慢切入话题。

You can ease into it.

接下来这部分非常重要，但很多人常常忽略。

Then this is a really important part that people often miss.

这是一次对话。

This is a conversation.

这不是一场谈判。

This is not a negotiation.

如果对方给了你一个你不满意的结果，你的责任不是去说服他们改变主意。

If the person gives you an answer that you don't like, it's not your job to convince them otherwise.

随他们去吧。

Let them.

你现在有了做出决定所需的信息，明白了。

You now have the information that you need to decide, okay.

他们想六个月后再谈这件事。

They wanna revisit this in six months.

我愿意六个月后再谈这件事吗？

Do I wanna revisit this in six months?

这对我来说没问题。

That's fine with me.

我会留下。

I'll stay.

或者他们刚结束一段关系。

Or they just got out of relationship.

他们并不想认真交往。

They're not looking for anything serious.

但我想要，所以我打算结束这段暧昧关系，不管它叫什么。

Well, I am, so I'm going to end this situationship or whatever.

真正理解到，这其实是两个人互相了解的机会。

And so really understanding that this is an opportunity for two people to check-in.

你现在在哪里？

Where are you?

我在哪里？

Where am I?

我们想要什么？

What do we want?

我们朝着同一个方向前进吗？

Are we heading in the same direction?

你掌握的信息越多，就越有能力为自己做出正确的决定。

And the more information you have, the more empowered you are to make the right decisions for yourself.

我有一个来自听众艾米丽的另一个问题。

I have a another question from a listener named Emily.

我们接下来播放这个吧。

Let's play that one next.

你好，梅隆·洛根。

Hi, Melon Logan.

非常感谢你回答我的问题。

Thanks so much for taking my question.

我叫艾米丽，今年32岁。

My name's Emily, and I'm 32.

我在信任自己的直觉以及重新适应约会方面感到困难。

I'm having trouble trusting my instincts and getting comfortable with dating again.

有哪些方法或迹象可以让我知道我准备好了呢？

What are some ways or signs, I guess, that I could know that I'm ready?

我还会准备好吗？

Will I ever be ready?

听起来她已经准备好了。

Sounds like she's ready.

听起来她只是害怕而已。

Sounds like she's just scared.

她可能是个犹豫型的人，这属于我提出的三种约会倾向之一。

She might be a hesitator, which is part of my three dating tendencies.

有很多人对关系抱有不切实际的期望。

So there's a lot of people that have unrealistic expectations.

浪漫型的人对关系抱有不切实际的期望。

The romanticizer has unrealistic expectations about relationships.

最大化型的人对伴侣抱有不切实际的期望，而犹豫型的人则对自己抱有不切实际的期望。

The maximizer has unrealistic expectations of their partner, and the hesitator has unrealistic expectations of themselves.

所以她可能在等待自己100%准备好才开始约会，但实际上她应该在还没完全准备好时就开始，这样才能在实践中提升约会能力。

So she might be waiting until she's a 100% ready to start dating, whereas she should start before she's ready so that she can get better at dating.

我会对她说，我认为她应该在每次约会后做一次复盘，因为这是她自我反思的好机会。

What I would say to her is that I think she should take the post date eight after every date because that's an opportunity for her to check-in with herself.

我参加的约会是否让我感到舒适？

Am I going on dates that make me feel comfortable?

人们激发出的是我哪一面？

What side of myself are people bringing out?

听起来她可能有点与自己的身体、需求或快乐来源脱节了。

It sounds like she's a little disconnected maybe from her body or what she wants or what makes her happy.

她越能理解自己、明白自己真正想要什么，就越快能找到一段关系。

And the closer that she can get to understanding herself and what she wants, the sooner she'll find a relationship.

因为不了解自己的人，即使参加一百次约会，也可能说：外面没有好女孩。

Because people who don't know themselves can go on a 100 dates and then say, there's no good girls out there.

外面没有好男生。

There's no good guys out there.

从统计上讲，你很可能遇到过一个非常适合你的人，但你不知道该找什么，因为你连自己都不了解。

Well, statistically, you probably met someone who would have been great, but you didn't know what to look for because you don't even know yourself.

聊聊吧

Talk

给那些已经精疲力尽的人。

to the person that is burnt out.

是的。

Mhmm.

他们已经退出了那些交友应用。

They've been off the apps.

他们跟朋友抱怨说一切都太有毒了。

They are complaining with their friends about how toxic everything is.

但内心深处仍有一种渴望，觉得我可能该重新回到场子里了。

But there is that yearning deep inside, like, I I should probably put myself back out there.

你该怎么做到这一点呢？

How do you do this?

当我与那些感到倦怠、不再主动约会的客户合作时，我会告诉他们：你可以暂时远离约会。

When I work with clients who are burned out and not putting themselves out there, I do tell them you can take a break from dating.

有些人约会的方式是不可持续的。

Sometimes people date in a way that's not sustainable.

我自己也这么做过。

And I did this myself.

我记得当我还在使用约会软件、约会的时候，有一周我去了八场半约会。

I remember when I was on the apps and I was dating, I went once went on eight and a half dates in one week.

那真是太疯狂了。

And it was so crazy.

我去约会时总在想：我是不是已经跟你说过这个了？

I was going on the date saying, did I already tell you this?

我是不是已经讲过这个故事了？

Did did I tell you the story already?

我根本记不清自己跟谁聊过。

I couldn't keep track of who I was talking to.

那一点都不有趣，我感到精疲力尽。

It wasn't fun, and I got burned out.

这根本无法持续。

It wasn't sustainable.

对人们来说，慢慢约会、一次只约会一个人要好得多。

It's so much better for people to date slowly, date one person at a time.

如果你是内向的人，给自己一些时间恢复，这样你就不用陷入反复下载Hinge、对Hinge感到疲惫、删除Hinge、休息一段时间、然后再重新下载的循环。

If you're an introvert, give yourself time to recover, and then you don't have to go through this cycle of downloading Hinge, getting burnt out on Hinge, deleting Hinge, taking a break, then redownloading it.

这种下载、删除、重复的循环对人们来说感觉并不好。

That download, delete, repeat cycle doesn't feel good for people.

我真的很

I'd so

那你应该怎么做呢？

should you do it instead?

我认为你应该放慢脚步，认真审视自己，告诉自己：我是个内向的人。

I think you should slow down and really look at yourself and say, I'm an introvert.

如果每周约会超过一次，我会感到精疲力尽。

I can't go on more than one date a week without feeling burnt out.

或者我真的很热衷于我的爱好。

Or I'm really passionate about my hobbies.

我需要为这一点留出时间。

I need to keep time for that.

所以我认为人们应该设定最低的约会次数，让自己多出去接触他人。

And so I think people should be going on a minimum number of dates to get themselves out there.

但要以一种可持续的方式进行，而不是以每小时60英里的速度猛冲，最终精疲力尽，然后不得不休息。

But do it in a way where it feels like something you can sustain over time instead of going 60 miles an hour burning out and then needing to take a break.

人们避免倦怠的其他方法还包括更加主动一些。

Other things that people can do to avoid burnout are also being more proactive.

我知道这听起来反直觉，但我们从Hinge的研究中发现，那些感到最疲惫的女性，往往是那些获得最多关注、被过多选择压得喘不过气的女性，而她们实际上反而更被动。

I know that sounds counterintuitive, but the research we found at Hinge shows that some of the women that feel the most burned out are the women that get the most attention, feel overwhelmed by choice, and they're actually being more passive.

她们只等待那些主动来找她们的人。

They're only looking at the people who come to them.

相反，如果她们采取不同的方式，主动追求自己想要的，那种掌握主动权的感觉会与疲惫感呈负相关。

Instead, if they take a different approach and go after what they want, that feeling of being in the driver's seat is negatively correlated with feeling burned out.

换句话说，你越主动追求自己想要的，就越不容易感到疲惫。

In other words, the more that you go after what you want, the less burned out you feel.

这是Shay的问题。

This question from Shay.

我住在纽约市，由于种种原因，这里约会简直不可能。

I live in New York City, and it feels impossible to date here for a laundry list of reasons.

我90%的朋友和我认识的人都单身，不管他们多大年纪。

90% of my friends and the people I know are all single no matter what age they are.

这仅仅是纽约的问题，还是全球普遍现象？

Is this just a New York problem, or is this across the globe?

不同州、不同城市的人结婚年龄各不相同。

Different states, different cities have different ages at which people marry.

我相信我们都知道一些来自南方、很早就结婚的人。

I'm sure we all know people from the South who got married earlier.

我认为这确实因地区而异。

I think it does differ based on region.

但总体而言，很多人告诉我，他们住的城市是约会最糟糕的地方。

But overall, many people tell me, I live in the worst city for dating.

我认为，当人们持有这种态度时，往往会自我实现。

And I think that when people have that attitude, it can be very self fulfilling.

朱莉娅25岁问：从统计学角度看，生活在城市中的二十多岁的人更有可能在线上还是面对面认识伴侣？

Julia 25 asks, statistically speaking, are people in their twenties living in a city more likely to meet someone online or in person?

我觉得人们确实会对居住地产生一种焦虑，我住的地方对吗？

I do think that there's this kind of angst about where I live and am I in the right place?

我是在线上认识人，还是在现实中认识人？

Am I meeting them online, in person?

你在数据中看到了什么？

What are you seeing in the data?

是的。

Yeah.

我的意思是，如果我们退一步看看你收到的问题，很多都是：我是不是住错了城市？我只能通过约会应用认识人吗？

I mean, even if we just take a step back and look at the questions that you're getting, a lot of them are, am I living in the wrong city, and can I only meet someone on a dating app?

所以我会告诉她，自2017年以来，情侣们相识的最主要方式是通过网络，这是迈克尔·J的研究结果。

So what I would tell her is that since 2017, the number one way that couples meet is online, and that's research from Michael J.

罗森菲尔德。

Rosenfeld.

所以回到20世纪50年代，人们主要通过朋友和家人相识。

So going back to the nineteen fifties, people mostly met through friends and families.

从90年代开始，随着更多女性进入职场，人们既通过朋友和家人，也通过工作场合相识。

Starting in the nineties when more women were in the workplace, people were meeting through friends and family and also at work.

从2010年开始，有20%的人通过网络相识，如今这一比例已接近60%。

Starting in 2010, 20% of people met online, and it's now close to 60%.

所以从统计上看，你更有可能通过网络认识他人。

So statistically, you are more likely to meet someone online.

然而，我想劝大家不要陷入线上与线下这种二元对立的思维。

However, I wanna push people away from this binary of online versus offline.

为什么不能只是拥有一个身份呢？

Why can't you just have an identity?

我就是一个约会的人。

I'm a dater.

我愿意建立联系。

I'm open to connection.

你知道有什么不错的活动吗？

Do you know a great event?

我跟你一起去。

I'll come with you.

你有可爱的兄弟吗？

Do you have a cute brother?

我想见见他。

I'd like to meet him.

哦，我还有一个约会应用，通过它我认识了原本不会遇到的人。

Oh, I also have a dating app where I meet people who I wouldn't have met otherwise.

我认为这种全方位的约会方式比只能选择一种要健康得多。

And I think this holistic portfolio of dating is so much healthier than feeling like I can only choose one.

托马斯，二十六岁。

Thomas twenty six.

我非常想听听你对‘恶心感’到底意味着什么的看法？

I would love to hear your thoughts on the What does the ick really mean?

这只是一个借口来切断关系吗？

Is it just an excuse to cut someone off?

它真的只是表面现象，还是背后有更深层的原因？

And is it really at the surface level, or what is it about?

托马斯，我很高兴你问了这个问题，因为我很喜欢谈论这个话题。对于不了解‘恶心感’的人，我的朋友、喜剧演员贾里德·弗里德说得特别到位。

Thomas, I'm so glad you asked this because I love talking about the For people who don't know what the ick is, my friend Jared Fried, who's a comedian, really nails this.

他在他的Netflix脱口秀《37岁还是单身》中提到了这一点。

He talks about it in his Netflix special 37 and single.

他讲了一个女孩和一个男生约会的故事。

So he tells a story of a girl who's on a date with a guy.

她对他非常有好感。

She's really into him.

他们相处得很愉快。

They hit it off.

她想回家和他睡觉。

She wants to go home and sleep with him.

然后他去付账，你听到的是魔术贴钱包被拉开的声音。

And then he goes to pay the bill and you hear, and it's the sound of a Velcro wallet being pulled open.

突然间她感到反感，说：我再也无法和这个人继续下去了。

And suddenly she gets the and she says, I can't see this person anymore.

当贾里德讲喜剧时，他会问观众：有一个例子是，我和一个男生约会，我想象他为了赶公交车而奔跑。

And when Jared does comedy, he asks people in the audience for So one is I was on a date with a guy, and I imagined him running to catch a bus that he was late for.

甚至这件事根本没在现实中发生，她就已经感到反感了。

Not even didn't even happen in real life, and she got the ick.

我经常从别人那里听到这种说法。

And I hear this all the time from people.

你知道，他穿凉鞋配袜子。

You know, he wore socks with sandals.

他认为镍back乐队是个好乐队。

He thinks that Nickelback is a good band.

我对这种‘反感’情绪特别反感，因为我觉得人们用它来逃避亲密关系。

And I have such a big problem with the ick because I think that people use it as a way to push away connection.

我觉得这其实源于内心的一种状态——你觉得自己还没准备好进入一段关系。

And I think it has to do with something on the inside where you don't feel ready for a relationship.

你很害怕。

You're scared.

你希望在被拒绝之前先拒绝别人。

You wanna reject someone before they reject you.

但我们都知道，一个人可以换一个新的钱包，喜欢镍币乐队并不会影响你长期关系的成功。

But we all know that somebody can get a new wallet, that somebody liking Nickelback has no impact on your long term relationship success.

但当你过分关注这些小事时，你就真的无法与任何人建立联系了，这是一种保持单身却把责任推给别人的手段。

But when you focus on the you really make it impossible to connect with anyone, and it's a way to stay single but blame someone else.

你知道，有

You know, there's

我们收到了很多关于平均有多少人同时与男性和女性交谈的问题。

a lot of questions that we got about the average of how many people are men and women talking to at the same time.

我没有这方面的精确数据，但Hinge目前推出的‘轮次限制’功能正是试图降低这个数字。

I don't have exact data on that, but what Hinge is doing right now with Your Turn Limits is really trying to lower that.

我们有研究显示，当一个人同时与五人或更少的人聊天时，更有可能与他们约会上演，并更有可能发展成一段关系。

So we have research that people think that when you talk to five or fewer people at the same time, you're more likely to get to a date with them and you're more likely to get into a relationship.

所以很多人喜欢把鸡蛋放在所有篮子里。

So a lot of people like to have their eggs in all the baskets.

他们喜欢保持选择的开放性。

They like to keep their options open.

但行为科学的一项有趣研究指出，我们虽然偏好更多选择，但当选择更少时，事情往往更好，因为那时我们会对自己的决定更有信心。

But an interesting piece of research from behavioral science is that we prefer options, but often things are better when we have fewer choices because then we feel more confident in our decisions.

所以，如果你希望一次只专注于一个人，那很好。

So if you are somebody who wants to focus on one person at a time, that's great.

如果你想要更多选择，可以同时与五、六、七、八个人聊天。

If you want more options, talk to five, six, seven, eight people at a time.

但当你试图同时维持这么多关系时，总会有一些会掉下来。

But when you're trying to keep all these balls in the air, you're going to drop some.

几周前我去参加一个派对，有个女孩说：‘你是在Hinge工作吗？’

And so I was at a party a few weeks ago, and this girl was like, you work at Hinge?

我老公呢？

Where's my husband?

看看我的手机。

Look at my phone.

我老公呢？

Where's my husband?

我当时就说：‘好吧。’

And I was like, okay.

不错。

Cool.

我们打开Hinge吧。

Let's open Hinge.

我当时在想，她犯了哪些错误。

And I was like me the mistakes she was making.

她有那么多匹配对象，却都不回复。

She had so many matches that she wasn't responding to.

我当时就想，你明明花了心思表达兴趣，还和对方匹配上了。

And I was like, you went through the effort of indicating interest in this person and matching with them.

你们的对话连三个来回都没撑到。

You didn't even get to the third back and forth in your conversation.

然后你却在问，我老公去哪儿了？

And then you're saying, where's my husband?

他完全有可能就在你的匹配列表里，但你只是不停地添加更多人，却从不认真看看每一个，问自己：我想和你约会吗？

He very well could be in your matches, but you're just getting more and more people instead of actually looking at each one and saying, do I wanna go on a date with you?

太好了。

Great.

我们来安排一下。

Let's set that up.

我难道永远都不想见到你了吗？

Do I not wanna ever see you?

很好。

Great.

我会结束这段对话。

I'll close out the conversation.

所以我认为人们不明白需要一步一步地看待每个人，并思考：我是否要继续推进？

And so I think that people don't understand the necessary steps of looking at one person at a time and saying, do I move forward or not?

并做出结束的决定。

And making the decision to close.

因为

Because what

你选择关闭也会影响算法，决定下次给你推荐谁。

you close also informs the algorithm of who's your who you're shown next.

我喜欢这个问题。

I love this question.

我们在与新人初次沟通时，通过玩心理游戏、不够热情、不及时回复来制造欲罢不能的效果，这到底是帮助了我们，还是伤害了我们？

Are we overthinking initial communication with a new person by playing games or not being overly enthusiastic or leaving them wanting more by not responding quickly, actually helping us or hurting us?

我很高兴这个人问了这个问题，因为我实际上已经做过一些

I'm really glad that this person asked this question because I've actually done a

关于这一点与Z世代的大量研究。

lot of research on this with Gen Z.

Z世代是数字原住民。

So Gen Z are digital natives.

他们有一种叫做数字肢体语言的东西。

They have something called digital body language.

我们都有这种语言，但这是通过在线交流传递的未言明的信息。

We all have this, but this is the unspoken messages that we send through our communication online.

例如，肢体语言方面，当我向后靠在椅子上并交叉双臂时，这给你带来的印象，和我身体前倾、对你说的话表现出极大兴趣时是不同的。

So for example, body language, when I sit back in my seat and I cross my arms, that gives you a different impression than when I'm leaning forward, very interested in what you're saying.

我们在网上也做同样的事情。

We do the same thing online.

比如，你是否使用句号，是否提出问题，以及回复消息需要多长时间。

So if you use periods or not, if you ask questions or you don't ask questions, how long it takes you to respond to a message.

我发现，许多不同世代的人都会关注数字肢体语言，但Z世代对此尤为重视。

And what I saw is that a lot of different generations tune into digital body language, but Gen Z is very focused on it.

因此，他们会玩一种游戏：我注意到她回复我花了 exactly 多少小时，那我就等那个时间再加一小时才回复。

And so they play these games of I saw exactly how many hours it took for her to respond, so I'm gonna wait that plus an hour to respond.

当你玩这种游戏时，没有人会赢。

Nobody wins when you play games.

获胜的方式是找到你喜欢的人，投入这段关系，离开应用，进入真实的关系，这样你就再也不用约会了。

The way to win is to find someone that you like, invest in the relationship, get off the app, get into relationship, and you never have to date again.

但当你坐在那里玩这种游戏，过度分析回复时间时，我觉得你这是只见树木，不见森林。

But when you're sitting there playing games and overanalyzing response times, I feel like you're missing the forest for the trees.

所以建议就是做你自己，然后

So is the advice just be yourself and

如果你想沟通，那就去沟通吧。

if you wanna communicate, communicate?

我觉得‘做你自己’这句话对很多人来说很难践行，因为我确实听到很多人说：做你自己，但要做最积极版本的自己，做你自己，

I think just be yourself can be hard for people to follow because I I do hear from a lot of people where they're like, just be myself, but the most positive version of myself, just be myself,

但要成为每个人都喜欢的那个自己。

but the self that everyone likes.

这说得通。

That's fair.

但我不知道该怎么跟我的孩子说，因为当我看到他们沉迷于这种事时，我只想说：发个该死的短信吧，你到底怎么了？

But I don't know what the hell to say to my kids because when I look at them obsessing over this kind of thing, I'm just saying send the damn text, like what the hell is wrong with you?

但你让我突然意识到，哦，等等，

But you just made me realize, oh, wait,

我根本不会去想数字肢体语言这回事。

like, I don't even think about digital body language.

所以我想说的是，如果你选择参与这个游戏，那你们俩都会陷入长时间等待的游戏中。

So what I would say is that if you opt into the game, then you're both gonna play the game of waiting for a long time.

但当两个人真的喜欢对方时，他们就不会再关注回复时间，而只会对对话感到兴奋。

But when people really like each other, they stop thinking about response times, and they just get excited about the conversation.

我的最好的朋友拉娜，我每天都和她发消息。

So my best friend Lana, I text with her all day, every day.

我没有在考虑回复时间，因为我全身心投入到对话中了。

I'm not thinking about the response time because I'm engaged in the conversation.

进行一场更吸引人的对话。

Have a more engaging conversation.

对你即将见面的人产生兴趣，放下手机和短信，去约个会吧。

Get excited about the person that you're meeting, and get off the app and get off text and get onto a date.

人们花在发短信上的时间太长了。

People spend way too long texting.

人们

People

花费，但这就是关键。

spend Well, that's the thing.

发短信的好处是它很简单。

The thing about texting is it's easy.

是的。

Yes.

如果他们想见你，早就安排计划了。

If they wanted to see you, they'd be making plans.

这个年龄段的很多人把发短信误认为对方有兴趣，我认为你应该把发短信看作是对方感到无聊。

A lot of people in this age group mistake texting for somebody being interested, and I think you should look at texting as somebody being bored.

如果他们没有把关系推进到现实生活中，那他们对你根本没有兴趣，就是这样。

And if they're not actually moving it into real life, they're not interested in you, full stop.

我觉得

I think that

这是人们被技术误导的另一个地方。

this is another place where people get confused by the technology.

短信是一种帮助你与人建立联系的工具，但不应该是整个关系的全部。

Texting is a tool that helps you connect with somebody, but it shouldn't be the whole relationship.

因此，在Hinge，我们发现发三天短信后就约见面是最理想的时机。

So at Hinge, we found that the sweet spot is after three days of texting, get to a date.

可能是电话通话，可能是视频约会，也可能是在酒吧见面。

Might be a phone call, might be a video date, might be meeting at a bar.

但当你觉得‘我需要更多地了解他们，问问他们的梦想’时。

But when you're like, oh, I need to get to know them more and ask them about their dreams.

那你觉得第一次约会是干什么用的？

It's like, what do you think a first date is for?

所以我认为人们在见面前花了太多时间聊天。

So I think people spend way too much time talking in advance.

然后他们在脑子里构建出一个人的幻想。

Then they create a fantasy of somebody in their head.

他们去赴约时。

They show up to the date.

对方并不符合他们的幻想，因为他们自己编造了这个幻想，于是感到失望。

The person doesn't meet their fantasy because they made it up, and then they're disappointed.

避免这种情况的方法是，比你想象的更早地通过电话、视频或面对面见面。

The way to avoid that is to meet them phone date, video date in person sooner than you think.

我也非常认同这种观点：核心目的是建立联系，无论是在现实生活中还是在应用上，这都是约会，然后尽快离开应用，真正与对方相处。

I also love the emphasis on the whole point is to connect somewhere, whether it's in real life or it's on the app, it's all dating, and then get off the app as fast as you can to actually be with the person.

我喜欢三天规则。

I love the three day rule.

我认为只是不停地发短信是个巨大的错误。

I think it's a huge mistake to just text, text, text.

我喜欢你指出这一点：当你只是反复来回聊天，因为这样简单、方便，而且有人关注你感觉很有趣时，你脑海中的幻想就会越大。

I love the fact that you're calling people out, that the longer you are just going back and forth because it's easy and convenient and it's fun to have somebody pay attention to you, the bigger the fantasy is in your head.

而最快抵达现实的方式，就是亲自见到对方。

And the faster you're gonna get to reality is by getting in front of the person.

我也很喜欢你告诉所有人，要结束那些你并不感兴趣的话题。

And I also love that you're telling everybody close out the conversations you're not interested in.

是的。

Yeah.

像你希望被对待的方式一样去对待别人。

Like, treat people how you'd wanna be treated.

而且我喜欢你告诉所有人，不要玩这种游戏，因为你只会吸引那些也想玩这种游戏的人。

And I love that you're also telling everybody, don't play the game because you're only inviting other people that wanna play a game.