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嗨。
Hey.
我是你的朋友梅尔，欢迎收听梅尔·罗宾斯播客。
It's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.
今天，我和你要聊一项彻底改变了我对整个人生看法的全球性研究。
Today, you and I are talking about a global study that completely changed the way I think about my entire life.
这项研究叫全球遗憾调查，分析了来自134个国家的两万六千多个遗憾。
This study is called the Global Regret Survey, and it analyzed more than 26,000 regrets from people in 134 countries.
当我读到这项研究时，我一下子愣住了。
Now, when I read this research, it stopped me in my tracks.
你知道它让我意识到了什么吗？
You know what it made me realize?
我得给我爸打个电话。
I need to call my dad.
我得更认真地对待自己的健康。
I need to take my health more seriously.
我得放下那些在二十岁、三十岁、四十岁时做的蠢事，别再责怪自己了，向前看吧。
I need to stop beating myself up over the stupid things that I did in my twenties, my thirties, my forties, and just move on.
我被这些发现深深触动，所以特意邀请了这项研究的负责人平克来波士顿，和我进行一场改变人生的对话，聊聊遗憾。
I was so moved by what I learned that I invited the director of that study, Pink, to be here in Boston for a life changing conversation about regret.
丹尼尔·平克会告诉你，通过对全球各地遗憾的分析，其实遗憾可以分成四种类型。
Daniel Pink is gonna teach you that after analyzing regrets from all over the world, there are four types of regrets.
而你面对的是哪一种遗憾，就对应着一套经过研究验证的具体方法，帮你消化它、从中学习，更重要的是，真正地向前走。
And based on what kind of regret you're dealing with, there's very specific strategies that you can use based on the research to process the regret, to learn from it, and more importantly, move forward.
其次，我们会讲三个基于研究的步骤，你和你的亲人需要这些方法，它们能帮你摆脱那种沉重的自我苛责——别担心，这不会让人沮丧。
Second, we're gonna talk about three steps based on research that you and your loved ones need that are proven to help you break free of that heavy judgment, that weight that you feel when you regret something, this isn't gonna be depressing.
相反，这会让人解脱，因为丹·平克和我会面对面地告诉你，怎么用这项突破性的研究，甩掉遗憾的包袱，转向未来，活出更好的人生。
It's gonna be liberating because Dan Pink and I are gonna go toe to toe and teach you how to use this groundbreaking research so you can free yourself of the weight of regret and turn toward your future and create a better life.
很高兴你在这里。
Excited that you're here.
我从来没想过，自己会这么期待一场关于遗憾的对话，但事实就是这样。
I never thought I'd say I was excited to have a conversation about regret, but I am.
能和大家聚在一起，共度这段时光，我感到非常荣幸。
You know, it's an honor to be together and to spend this time with you.
另外，如果你是新听众，我想特别欢迎你加入梅尔·罗宾斯播客的大家庭。
And I also wanna take a moment in case you're a new listener, I just wanna take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family.
你选对了节目。
You have picked a winner.
我特别期待你认识今天这位非凡的嘉宾——平克，他将带来全球遗憾调查中的大量惊人发现，这是迄今为止规模最大、最全面的遗憾研究。
I cannot wait for you to meet and learn from today's extraordinary guest, Pink, who is here to share all kinds of mind blowing insights from the Global Regret Survey, which is the largest study ever done on regrets.
丹尼尔·平克是我们这个时代最具影响力的思想家之一。
Daniel Pink is one of the most influential thinkers of our time.
他有多本著作登上《纽约时报》畅销榜。
He's a multiple New York Times bestselling author.
他的TED演讲观看次数已经超过一千二百万次。
His TED Talk has been viewed more than 12,000,000 times.
几十年来，丹·平克一直致力于把行为科学转化为切实可用的生活工具。
Dan Pink has spent decades translating behavioral science into tools that work in real life.
但今天，我要和你一起深入探讨他迄今为止最有力、也最个人化的一部作品。
But today, you and I are diving into what is his most powerful and personal work yet.
丹尼尔·平克主导了迄今为止规模最大的关于遗憾的研究。
Daniel Pink led one of the largest studies ever conducted on the topic of regret.
他和团队收集了来自134个国家的两万六千多个遗憾故事，建成了有史以来最全面的情感数据库之一。
He and his team collected more than 26,000 regrets from people in 134 countries, creating one of the most comprehensive emotional databases ever assembled.
他发现的东西非同寻常。
What he discovered is extraordinary.
今天丹尼尔要告诉你的关于遗憾的真相，会帮你放下过去，活出更好的人生。
What Daniel will teach you today about regrets is going to help you move on from the past and live a better life.
让我们用热烈的掌声欢迎才华横溢的丹尼尔·平克，来到《梅尔·罗宾斯播客》。
Please help me welcome the brilliant Daniel Pink to the Mel Robbins podcast.
谢谢。
Thank you.
谢谢。
Thank you.
谢谢。
Thank you.
很高兴能和你在一起。
It's great to be with you.
见到你真好。
It's so great to see you.
我手里拿着这一大摞遗憾。
So I have here in my hand a huge stack of regrets.
这确实是一大摞。
That is a huge stack.
我们对全球听众做了一项调查。
What we polled our global audience.
对。
Yeah.
我想念几条给你听。
I wanna read some of these to you.
好的。
Okay.
我们开始吧。
Here we go.
我翻到其中一页。
I'm just turning to a page.
没在父亲去世前和他好好谈一谈。
Not talking to my father before he passed.
我们有两年多都没说过话了。
We weren't on speaking terms for over two years.
因为精疲力尽就辞了工作，却没有向家人求助。
Quitting my career due to burnout instead of asking my family for help.
好的。
Okay.
哦，对孩子们不够有耐心。
Oh, not being more patient with my kids.
好的。
Okay.
他们小时候，我为啥总是那么赶时间？
When they were younger, why was I always rushing?
我不敢为自己发声，也不听自己的心，任由别人左右我的决定。
Not standing up for myself or listening to myself, allowing others to influence my choices.
我没把孩子放在第一位，为了一段感情牺牲了他们。
Not prioritizing my children, Choosing a relationship over my kids.
哎呀。
Oops.
年轻时我不相信自己，没去上医学院。
Not believing in myself when I was younger, not going to medical school.
我后悔没认清自己的价值，还容忍别人不尊重我。
I regret not realizing my worth and allowing disrespect because of it.
真希望当年高中时能更努力一点，也没选错男朋友。
Wishing I did better in high school, dating the wrong men.
我其实一直有点儿明白。
I always sort of knew it.
我本该早点去接受心理咨询的。
I didn't have therapy sooner.
我热爱的、想投身的那份事业。
The career I loved, wanted to pursue.
但我没去做。
I didn't.
这种事就这么没完没了地持续着。
It just goes on and on and on.
你刚才要跟我们分享的那些关于遗憾的研究，我都记在心里了。
And where I wanna start is if I take everything to heart that you were about to share with us Yeah.
你研究的遗憾能教会我们什么？如果我真把这些都吸收了，我的人生会有什么不同？
That you have researched regarding regret, what it can teach us, how might my life change?
首先，你会知道该怎么处理这种情绪。
Well, first of all, you're gonna know what to do with that kind of emotion.
你会面对这种让你不舒服的情绪。
You're going to take that emotion, which feels bad.
你能把这种负面感受转化成积极的力量。
You're going to be able to take that negative sentiment and turn it into something positive.
当你这么做时，还会带来其他改变。
And when you do that, you do some other things.
你会真正明白自己在生活中看重什么。
You actually understand what you value in life.
你会在生活中找到更深的意义。
You actually find more meaning in life.
但还没完，更多好处来了。
But wait, there's more.
有些研究甚至发现，你能因此在工作中表现得更好。
For some of those, there's actually some evidence out there in the research that says that you can become better at your job.
你甚至能成为更出色的谈判者。
You can become a better negotiator.
你能成为一个更出色的解决问题的人。
You can become a better problem solver.
你能成为一个更有深度的思考者。
You can become a better thinker.
所以关键在于直面那些遗憾，不躲闪、不忽视、不沉溺，而是直视它们。
So the key here is to look those regrets in the eye, not to flinch from them, not to ignore them, not to wallow in them, but to look them in the eye.
而那些堆积在那里的，梅尔。
And those that pile there, Mel.
是的。
Yes.
确实很沉重，丹。
It is heavy, Dan.
但你知道吗？
But you know what?
虽然沉重，但它也有积极的一面。
It's heavy, but it's also positive.
我来告诉你为什么。
Let me tell you why.
因为我们一直以为，这也就是我为什么会关注这个话题。
Because what we think is we think that and this is how I got into this topic.
我们觉得没人愿意谈遗憾。
We think that nobody wants to talk about regrets.
没错。
Yep.
这恰恰证明了这种想法是错的。
That's proof that that's wrong.
其实很多人都愿意谈遗憾。
People do wanna talk about regrets.
我觉得每个人都想聊聊遗憾。
Everybody, I think, wants to talk about regrets.
我们只是默默把它们藏在心里。
We quietly carry them with us.
我想重点谈谈你刚才说的，我们躲不开它，逃不掉，必须直面它，因为遗憾其实是在告诉我们，该如何过好这一生。
And I just wanna hover on something that you just said, that we can't avoid it, we can't run from it, we need to face it, and that there is something that regret is trying to teach us about how we should be living our life.
我很喜欢这个观点，但当我看到有人写‘我嫁给了第一个丈夫，尽管他出轨了，我真的很后悔’时，我特别有感触。
And I love that, but when I read something like marrying my first husband after he cheated on me, I really regret that.
没跟妈妈好好说话，她就走了。
Not talking to my mother and then she died.
就是这些‘我本该’的念头，一大堆。
You know, just all this wishing I should have.
你真能把这份沉重的负担，变成让生活变得更好的力量吗？
Can you really flip this weight and turn it into something that makes your life better?
当然可以。
Yes, you can.
遗憾让我们更清楚自己真正看重什么，也指引我们未来该怎么做。
Regret clarifies what we value and points us how to do better in the future.
这些人在这里表达的这种情绪，没错。
This emotion that these people are expressing here Yes.
这是人类最常见的一种情绪之一。
Is one of the most common emotions that human beings have.
后悔。
Regret.
没错。
Yes.
在人的经历中，这种情绪无处不在，对吧？
It is ubiquitous in the human experience, right?
人们总说：‘我没什么可后悔的。’
People talk about saying, oh, I don't have any regrets.
发生的一切都有它的道理。
Everything happens for reasons.
这完全是胡说八道。
That's utter BS.
真正没有后悔的人，只有小孩子——因为他们大脑还没发育到能体会这个程度，还有某些神经退行性疾病患者，以及反社会人格者。
The only people who don't have regrets are little kids because their brains haven't developed the cognitive capacity to do it, people with certain kinds of neurodegenerative disorders, and sociopaths.
否则，每个人都会有遗憾。
Otherwise, everybody has regrets.
那问题来了，为什么呢？
Okay, so the question is why?
为什么一种让我们这么难受的情绪，却如此普遍？
Why would something that makes us feel so bad be so widespread?
答案是，如果我们能正确对待它，它其实是有用的。
And the answer is because it's useful if we treat it right.
但问题就在这里。
And here's the problem.
关键就在这儿。
Here's the heart of it.
从来没人教过我们该怎么做。
No one ever told us how to do that.
结果呢，我们干脆捂住耳朵，自言自语：‘没遗憾，没遗憾，根本没遗憾。’
So what happens is, is that we basically plug our ears and say blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, no regrets.
或者我们被它压垮了。
Or we get buried by it.
我们真正该做的，是让自己冷静下来。
What we want to do is just chill out.
直面它。
Look at it.
好好想一想。
Think about it.
盯着它看，不躲不闪。
Stare it in the eye.
当我们这么做的时候，一切就会发生转变。
And when we do that, it's transformative.
我相信你。
I believe you.
当你读到这些的时候，你会感受到那种沉重：我和最好的朋友渐渐疏远了，不敢冒险，总是选择稳妥，不肯多留一会儿，也没能握住我奶奶临终时的手；希望当初能早点为自己的未来争取经济自由；后悔没早点发现乳房里的肿块，总以为自己只是想太多；明明知道这段关系不对劲，却还是继续着。
And when you read these, you feel the weight letting my best friend and I drift apart, not taking chances, playing secure, not staying longer, and holding my dying grandma's hand, securing financial freedom for my future, wishing I got a lump in my breasts, checked out sooner instead of feeling like I was just overthinking it, staying in a relationship Yeah.
比我原本想的要长，没再多生孩子。
Longer than I wanted, not having more kids.
我丈夫还总拿这事戳我心窝子。
And my husband rubs my face in it.
当你听丹讲话，或者现在正在看的时候，想一想你心里藏着的那份遗憾。
And I want you, as you're listening to Dan or you're watching right now, to think about some regret that you have.
接下来我们会深入这些方法和相关研究。
And we're gonna get into these frameworks and this research.
现在，请你自私一点。
And I want you to be selfish right now.
紧紧抓住那个你一直不愿提起的遗憾。
I want you to really hold on to that regret that you've not wanted to talk about.
你总想把它推到过去，假装没发生过。
You try to push off in the past.
我希望你借着这次对话，把自己从那里解放出来。
And I want you to use this conversation to set yourself free.
丹，是什么让你决定深入研究，还做了史上最大规模的遗憾调查？
Dan, what made you want to lean into and do the biggest research project ever done on regrets?
因为我也有遗憾。
Because I had regrets.
真的吗？
Really?
是的。
Yeah.
我经历过一个时刻。
And I had a moment.
我活了六十多年，几乎从没经历过什么顿悟，就那一次例外。
This is I've lived, you know, six decades without epiphanies except for one case.
有那么一次，我感觉整个宇宙好像在向我敞开。
One time where sort of I felt like the universe was opening up to me.
那是几年前，我大女儿大学毕业的时候。
And that was a few years ago at my elder daughter's college graduation.
明白了。
Okay.
今天可真够长的。
So, it's a long day.
她大学毕业了，我感觉自己像在旁观一样。
She's graduating from college, and I'm sort of having an out of body experience.
我看着她穿着学士服。
I'm watching her in the cap and gown.
我不由得想起自己当年上大学的经历，其实挺好的，但还是有些遗憾。
And I started thinking about my own college experience, which was actually quite positive, but I had some regrets.
我真希望当时对人能更友善一些。
I wish I were kinder to people big time.
我真希望当时能多冒险一点。
I wish I had taken more risks.
其实我还希望当时能更努力一点。
I actually wish I had worked a little harder.
这件事一直在我心里挥之不去。
And so it sort of stuck with me.
我回到华盛顿的家，发现没人愿意聊后悔这件事。
Came back to Washington, where I live, and I knew that nobody wanted to talk about regret.
我有点不好意思地说：你知道吗？
And I was like very sheepishly said, you know what?
我刚去参加了索菲亚的毕业典礼，忍不住想起自己上大学的时候。
I just went to Sofia's graduation, and I was thinking about my own college.
我有点后悔当时那样做。
And I kind of regret this.
我有点后悔那时候没这么做。
I kind of regret that.
我这才明白，其实大家都想说这些事。
And I realized that everybody wanted to talk about it.
我一打开话匣子，别人也跟着敞开心扉，结果大家聊出了很多深刻又有启发性的对话——原来人人都把这些心事憋在心里。
That once I sort of let loose, they let loose, and you ended up having these very rich, generative conversations that people were bottling these things up.
所以，长话短说，那时候我其实正在写另一本书。
And so, to make a long story longer, I actually was working on an entirely different book at the time.
于是我先把那本书放一边，花了一个月做关于遗憾的基础调研，又花了一个月写了个全新的出版提案，发给我那个特别惊讶的编辑——他本来以为我还在写那本旧书，结果我说：‘我觉得我想写这本新书。’
And so I took this other book, put it aside, spent a month like just doing the basic research on regret, spent another month writing an entirely new book proposal, which I sent to my very surprised editor who thought I was working on this one book and said, hey, I think I want to write I think I want to write this book.
不过，这件事背后也有个人的原因。
Now, there's also a personal side of this.
不仅是我自己有这个冲动，还跟人生阶段有关。
Not only was the the impulse me, but also there's a stage of life thing going on here.
我今年61岁了。
You know, I am 61 years old.
用高尔夫的说法，我现在正处于人生的后九洞。
I am in the to use a golf term the back nine of life.
对吧？
All right?
我走过的路，比还没走的要多得多。
I got more of my life behind me than ahead.
所以值得回望并感到遗憾的事情也更多了。
So there's more to look back and regret.
但与此同时，向前看也有一种紧迫感。
But also, there's a sense of urgency going forward.
所以这本书，我31岁的时候是写不出来的。
And so this is not a book I would have written when I was 31.
但到了我现在这个年纪，这件事感觉几乎是注定的——因为我有足够的过去可以回顾，而且，托老天的福，也还有未来可以把握，可以做得更好。
But at this stage in my life, there's something about it that felt kind of inevitable because I'm at the perfect point because I got a lot of room to look back, but knock wood, room to look forward and do better.
我太喜欢这个说法了。
I love this.
首先，他确实是讨论这个话题的最合适人选，就连你刚才提到的那个例子——坐在毕业典礼上，时间突然就变短了。
First of all, he's the perfect guy to talk about this because even in the example that you just sort of dropped in there about sitting at a graduation and automatically time shrinks.
是的。
Yes.
你会开始用一种全新的眼光来看待时间。
You start to look at time through a different lens.
我敢打赌，你听的时候，一定也在回想自己过去那些浪费了时间、不够友善、或者本该做得更好的时刻，我大学时就特别有这种感觉。
I'm sure as you were listening, you were thinking back to moments in your past where you wish you wouldn't have wasted time or you wish you would have been kinder or you wish, I felt the same thing about college.
我那时候喝太多酒了。
I drank too much.
根本没有好好把握那些机会。
I didn't, like, take advantage of the opportunity.
我有心理问题，但根本不知道那是啥，也没去寻求帮助。
I didn't seek help for the mental health issues because I didn't know what they were.
我对待别人的方式，一再重复，一再重复。另外，我想强调一下，不管你现在是二十岁、四十岁、六十岁还是七十岁，Dan说的这些都会对你有帮助。人老了之后，有些事特别有意思。
Like, just the way I treated people on and on and on and on, I also loved, and I wanna make sure you caught it, whether you're in your twenties or your sixties or seventies or forties, we're going to benefit from what Dan's talking about, which is there's something funny about what happens when you get older.
你往前看的视野突然变得清晰了，过去那些你忍了、浪费了时间的事，也一下子变得特别清楚。
The aperture of what you're looking ahead at suddenly comes into focus and all of the crap that you put up with, the things you wasted time on also come into focus.
你会想，如果我只剩下十年、二十年，甚至五十年，我一定要换种活法。
And you say, well, if I only have ten years or twenty or heck, even another fifty, I want to do it differently.
所以，如果我没理解错的话，你真正想说的是：哪怕后悔让你压得喘不过气，像拖着一个二十年的老行李箱，它其实也在教你一些东西，能让你未来的日子过得更有意义。
And so if I'm hearing you correctly, the first thing to really embrace is that as much as regret may be crushing you or you're dragging it around like a twenty year old suitcase, that it has something to teach you that can put more life into the years ahead.
没错。
Absolutely.
把行李箱打开吧，里面藏着一份礼物。
Open the suitcase because there's a gift inside.
你可能对这个行李箱感到害怕，但还是打开它吧。
You're freaked out by that suitcase even, but open it up.
它没你想象的那么可怕。
It's less menacing than you think.
这一点在人生的任何阶段都适用。
And that's true at any stage of our lives.
那我们先来聊聊，后悔到底是什么？
So let's start with what the heck is regret?
对。
Yes.
后悔和那种只是觉得难过、希望没发生过的事情，有什么区别？
And what's the difference between something you regret versus something that you kind of feel sad about and kind of wish didn't happen?
还是说这些其实是一回事？
Or are those the same things?
不是一回事。
They're not the same thing.
遗憾是一种特别糟糕的感觉。
So, well, regret is regret is a terrible feeling.
它是一种感受。
It's a feeling.
这点非常关键。
This is really important.
这是一种情绪。
It's an emotion.
当我们回望过去，希望自己当初做了不同的选择，没做某件事，或者以别的方式去做时，就会产生这种情绪。
It's a feeling we have when we look backward and wish we had done something differently, wish we hadn't done something, wish we had done something in a different way.
明白吗？
All right?
所以我们回头去看的时候，会想到某个决定或行为，然后就觉得很难受。
So, we look backward and we think about a decision or an action, and it makes us feel bad.
对吧？
Right?
这就是后悔。
That's what regret is.
不过，它和其他情绪很不一样。
Now, it is very different from other kinds of emotions.
比如，如果你希望某件事没发生，可能会感到失望。
So, you can have an emotion like disappointment if you wish something didn't happen.
我上周出去旅行，他们当时在东海岸。
So, I was I was on a trip last week and they were on the East Coast.
那里下了特大暴风雪。
There was a massive snowstorm.
所以我不得不提前离开。
And I basically had to leave early.
我没法为此后悔。
I can't regret that.
雪又不是我让下的，但我会觉得失望。
I didn't make it snow, you know, but I can be disappointed.
所以，后悔必须有主动性的成分。
And so regret has to have agency.
那是你自己做的决定。
It's something that you did.
别人做的事，你没法替他们后悔。
You can't regret something someone else did.
核心就在于主动性。
It's all about agency.
这就是为什么它让人这么难受，因为心底里我们知道，这怪不了别人。
That's why it feels so bad, because we know deep down it's your fault.
这责任在你身上。
It's on you.
所以才会觉得这么难受。
That's why it feels so bad.
但这种难受的感觉其实是个信号。
And so but what's that that bad feeling is a signal.
这是一种数据。
It's data.
是一种信息。
It's information.
它就像有人在敲门。
It is it is a knock at the door.
咚，咚，咚，咚，咚，咚，咚。
Clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk.
明白了。
Okay.
那当有人敲门的时候，我们该怎么做？
So what do we do when there's a knock on the door?
你可以说，我什么都没听到。
You can say, I don't hear anything.
好吧。
All right.
什么敲门声？
What what knock?
好吧。
All right.
或者你可以说，天哪，有人敲门，然后直接躲到沙发底下。
Or you can say, oh my god, a knock on the door and you can dive under the couch.
或者你想想，会是谁在那儿呢？
Or you can say, I wonder who's there?
克林特。
Clint.
哦，原来是遗憾。
Oh, it's a regret.
你有什么要告诉我的？
What do you got to tell me?
所以我们得从这儿开始，得这么来想这个问题。
And so, that's how we have to start that's how we have to start thinking about it.
不过这些遗憾里还有一件事挺有意思，梅尔，人们字里行间几乎是在说，或者感到，自己有这种情绪是不是哪里不对劲。
The other thing that comes out in these regrets though, Mel, which is interesting, is people sort of between the lines, you almost hear them saying or feeling that there's something wrong with them because they have that.
对。
Yes.
遗憾。
Regret.
这真是个大误区，因为每个人都会有遗憾。
And that's that's that is that's a huge mistake because everybody has regrets.
每个人都会有遗憾。
Everybody has regrets.
有遗憾不代表你就是个坏人。
It doesn't make you bad.
这并不意味着你软弱。
It doesn't make you weak.
这也不代表你有缺陷。
It doesn't make you broken.
这恰恰说明你是普通人。
It makes you human.
我想先聊聊你做的这项研究，因为你开展了迄今为止最大规模的遗憾研究，涵盖了两万六千个遗憾案例，涉及134个国家。
I want to just talk first about this research that you did because you've done the biggest research study on regrets, 26,000 regrets, 134 countries.
当你深入分析这些数据时，最让你震惊的是什么？
What shocked you the most when you dug into the research?
是的。
Yeah.
我们发起了一个叫‘全球遗憾调查’的项目，邀请世界各地的人们分享他们最深的遗憾。
We started something called the World Regret Survey, where we invited people around the world to submit their big regret.
正如你所说，我们现在已经积累了海量的遗憾数据。
We, as you say, we have a very, very large database of regret.
最让我惊讶的是，这些遗憾听起来和你自己的、和其他人的一模一样。
And I think the most surprising thing about it is how much they sound exactly like the regrets that you got and exactly like the regrets that other people got.
如果我告诉你，梅尔，这个遗憾来自密尔沃基，那个来自哥本哈根，还有一个来自台北。
If I were to say to you, Mel, one of these regrets is from Milwaukee, another one is from Copenhagen, And this one is from Taipei.
你能分得清哪个是哪个吗？
Which is which?
你根本猜不出来。
You wouldn't know.
比如说，我有机会去接手一份很有挑战性、压力很大的工作，但我对自己没信心，没抓住机会，现在很后悔。
If I say I had a chance to take a really challenging, demanding job, but I didn't believe in myself, I regret not taking the shot.
如果我问你，这个人是男是女？
And I say to you, is this person a man or a woman?
你也说不准。
You don't know.
所以最让我意外的，就是遗憾的普遍性。
And so it's the universality of it that surprised me the most.
除了我们都背负着遗憾、却没人教过我们如何把遗憾转化为改变人生的力量这一普遍现象之外，还有哪些其他让你印象深刻的内容呢？
And what were some other things that popped up to you other than the fact that we all live with and feel burdened by regret, and none of us have been taught how to flip regret as a very universal experience, being human, into something that can change our lives for the better.
我给你举个小例子，就像你刚才说的那堆遗憾一样，我之所以希望保持匿名，是因为我觉得这样大家会更坦诚地分享。
I'll give you one, small example of this, which is that similar to your pile right there, as I mentioned, I wanted to give people anonymity because I felt like they were going to be more forthright about it all.
我还补充说，如果你愿意接受后续访谈，可以留下你的邮箱。
But I also said, if you're interested in doing a follow-up interview, leave your email address.
我本来以为大概只有5%的人会愿意留下联系方式。
I figured we would get maybe 5% of people.
结果将近三分之一的人都留下了邮箱，说：不只是想跟一个陌生人倾诉我的遗憾，还希望你能继续跟我聊聊。
We had nearly a third of people leave their email address and say, yeah, it's like, not only do I want to tell you as a complete stranger my big regret, but here is my email address so you can talk to me some more about it.
为什么这件事让你这么意外？
Why did that surprise you so much?
人们内心其实有一种强烈的渴望，想要卸下负担，理清头绪，把事情说出来——就像你说的比喻，打开那个行李箱，看看里面到底装了什么。
There is this kind of yearning to unburden yourself, to make sense of it, to talk about it, to, you know, to I like your metaphor, to open up that suitcase and actually see what's in it.
而一旦人们真的打开了它，这个动作本身就会让那份沉重变得不那么可怕了。
And when people do open that up, the act of opening it makes it less menacing.
你知道吗，作为世界上最大 regrets 研究与数据库的负责人，你觉得后悔这种情绪是用来做什么的？
You know, given that you are the director of the world's largest study and database on regret, is regret for teaching?
它到底有什么用呢？
What is it for exactly?
它帮助我们理解自己真正在乎什么，并指引我们未来该怎么做更好。
It it it is for understanding what we care about and telling us how to do better in the future.
这不只是我一个人做的研究。
You know, this is not only research that I've done.
社会心理学家、神经科学家和其他认知科学家已经研究后悔这种情绪六十年了。
Social psychologists and neuroscientists and other cognitive scientists have been studying regret for sixty years.
他们发现，后悔是人类最普遍的情感之一。
And they found, again, regret is one of the most ubiquitous emotions that human beings have.
但我们也有数据表明，当你系统地审视自己的后悔，认真思考它们，试着从中吸取教训时。
But we also have data showing that when you actually systematically interrogate your regrets, think about your regrets, try to learn from your regrets.
你会变得更有能力应对各种事情。
It makes you better at stuff.
我的意思是，至少从谈判领域来看，我们有大量证据表明。
I mean, at the very least, we have all kinds of evidence from negotiation.
你去参加一场谈判，对吧？
You go into a negotiation session, right?
谈判结束后，
People come out.
研究人员会问：你在那次谈判中，后悔做了什么，或者没做什么？
The researchers say, tell me what you regret doing or not doing in that negotiation.
他们主动唤起这种负面情绪。
So they invite the bad emotion.
然后他们去参加下一场谈判，
Then they go to a next negotiation.
表现就更好了。
They do better.
所以你看，后悔其实是一种工具。
And so so this is actually regret is actually a tool.
这其实回到了一个观点：负面情绪是有其作用的。
And it goes back to the idea that negative emotions have a purpose.
它们的存在是有原因的。
They're there for a reason.
如果我们试图压抑它们、忽略它们，那可就犯了大错。
And if we try to extinguish them, forget about them, we're making a colossal mistake.
而且，我觉得我们不会对其他负面情绪也这么处理。
And we and I don't think we would do with other negative emotions.
我不喜欢感到难过。
I don't like feeling sad.
我不喜欢感到沮丧、生气或失望。
I don't like feeling frustrated or pissed off or disappointed.
没错。
No.
我尤其不喜欢感到后悔。
I definitely do not like feeling regret at all.
没人喜欢这样。
Nobody does.
我不喜欢感到……
I don't like feeling to
像这样。
like it.
你要从中吸取教训。
You want to learn from it.
到底怎么回事，好吧。
What the hell are what okay.
那负面情绪的意义到底是什么呢？
So what is the point of a negative emotion?
你不喜欢，好吧。
You don't like okay.
好，我们继续。
Here we go.
我们开始吧。
Here we go.
接下来我们要这么做。
Here's what we're gonna do.
我们来做个小实验。
We're gonna do a little experiment here.
来吧。
Let's do it.
好的。
Okay.
你不喜欢你的负面情绪。
You don't like you you don't like your negative emotions.
明白吗？
Okay?
不喜欢。
No.
我不喜欢。
I don't.
好的。
Okay.
你不喜欢感到难过吗？
You don't like feeling sad?
不喜欢。
No.
你喜欢感到悲伤吗？
Do you like feeling grief?
嗯，不喜欢。
Well, no.
但我
But I
好的。
Okay.
跟我说说吧。
Talk to me.
你喜欢吗
Do you like
说实话，我不喜欢感到悲伤，但如果不经历这种悲伤，好像就没能真正爱过那个已经离开的人，我想是这样。
Well, I don't like feeling grief, but if I don't feel grief, then I'm not like like that's part of loving somebody that's gone, I guess.
哎，这就对了。
Oh, there you go.
那你怎么看？
How about that?
好吧。
All right.
所以，我们可以设想一下，将来也许能请麻省理工的神经科学家来，说：我们给你一颗神奇的药丸，能让你彻底失去悲伤的能力。
So so I could get I could say we could say we could bring in, you know, some neuroscientists down the road at MIT and say, we're going to give you a magic pill and it's going to extinguish your ability to feel grief.
你希望这样吗？
Would you want that?
我觉得不会。
I don't think so.
我觉得你也不会。
I don't think you would.
我确实想过这个问题。
I thought about that.
我觉得你也不会。
I don't think you would.
你不会的，因为悲伤虽然难受，
I don't think you would because grief is that grief feels terrible.
悲伤是一种很痛苦的情绪，对吧？
Grief is a terrible emotion, right?
它让人感觉很难受。
It makes you feel bad.
但它存在，是因为它提醒我们，我们曾深爱过，也正因为如此，我们才去爱。
But it's there because it reminds us that we love and why we love.
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我们拿恐惧来说，这也是种负面情绪。
Let's take fear, another negative emotion.
没错。
Yep.
我不喜欢害怕的感觉。
I don't like being scared.
但你知道吗？
But you know what?
我不想要那个麻省理工的神奇药丸。
I don't want that MIT magic pill.
就说吧，吃下这颗药。
Say, oh, take this pill.
你这辈子就再也不会感到害怕了。
You'll never feel fear the rest of your life.
你知道会发生什么吗？
You know what's going to happen?
我会待在着火的楼里，别人都逃出去了，因为我一点都不怕。
I'm going to be in a burning building and everyone else is going to get out because I'm not scared.
这些负面情绪的存在都有它的道理。
These negative emotions are there for a reason.
它们是有适应性的。
They're adaptive.
正是它们帮助我们进化过来的。
They helped us evolve.
当然，你也不需要太多负面情绪。
Now, you don't want a lot of negative emotions.
对。
No.
明白吧？
All right?
但你得有一些，最好多一点积极的情绪。
But you want some you want more lots and lots of positive emotions.
你希望感受到爱、敬畏、兴奋和成长，而且越多越好。
You want to feel love and awe and excitement and growth, and you want to have a lot of those.
而且你确实需要一定程度的后悔，因为后悔能让你学到东西。
And you actually want a decent amount of regret because regret helps you learn.
我倒是可以举个例子来证明这一点。
Well, I'll give you one that can prove this.
我以前花钱特别不靠谱。
Like, I was ridiculously irresponsible with money.
对啊。
Uh-huh.
你和我上大学的时候，注册现场到处都是信用卡公司发传单，我见了就拿，然后随便刷。
You we you and I went to college when you would check-in to, registration and there were tables with credit card companies just passing them out, and I just spent money.
是的。
Yeah.
后来我就养成了花超支的钱的习惯。
And then I developed a habit where I just spent money that I didn't have.
我结婚的时候，背着两万美元的秘密信用卡债务，根本还不起。
And I entered my marriage with like $20,000 in secret credit card debt that I couldn't pay off.
对。
Yeah.
这件事成了我特别后悔的一段经历。
Like, and it became this thing that I deeply regret.
是的。
Yeah.
现在听你这么说，我才意识到，过去二十多年，从二十多岁到三十多岁，我一直躲在羞愧里，不断做蠢事，最后到了四十岁出头，我和丈夫欠了八十万，房子都被留置了。
And when I listen to you now, I'm realizing I hid in shame and embarrassment for probably twenty years through my 20s and 30s and continued to make stupid decisions, which ultimately led me to being in a situation where my husband and I were $800,000 in debt in our early 40s with liens on the house.
那种痛苦太折磨人了，彻底改变了我对金钱的态度——我不想再经历那种感觉了。
That was so painful that it fundamentally altered the way I approach money because I didn't want to feel that bad anymore.
这就对了。
There you go.
但我拖了整整两三年，丹，才终于肯面对它，心想：够了，真的太痛了。
But I dragged it around for probably two to three decades, Dan, before I unpacked that and said, Okay, it's gotten painful enough.
我可以让情况变得更糟，然后再好转。
I can let it get worse before it gets better.
我们可以打个比方，就像去看医生。
I mean, we can analogize to going to the doctor.
你可能会说，我头疼了整整三周了。
You You say, Oh, I've had a really bad headache for three weeks.
还是非要等到两年后，疼得直不起腰、喘不过气才去？
Or do you wait till you're two years from now when you're doubled over and can't breathe?
当然不会，一有头疼就该及时处理，因为头疼本身就是一种信号。
No, you address it then because that's because like a headache, a headache is a signal.
它在提醒你，哪里不对劲了。
Hey, something's off.
我们数据库里有很多遗憾，其实都跟这个很像。
We have a lot of regrets, you know, in the database that are very much like that.
我觉得，对你和那些人来说，关键在于：当我们不谈遗憾、不分享、不主动去理解它们时，就会觉得自己是唯一一个这样的人。
I think that part of it in your case and in the case of these other folks is that when we don't talk about our regrets, when we don't share them, when we don't actively try to make sense of them, we feel like we're the only one.
但我们并不是。
And we're not.
这才是关键。
That's the thing.
记住，这是人人都会经历的。
Remember, it's universal.
你能对那些刚听到你说‘我们总觉得只有自己这样’的听众说点什么吗？
Can you talk to the person listening who just heard you say, We feel like we're the only one.
他们心里可能在想：‘但我做的这件事真的太糟糕了，丹。’
And they're saying to themselves, But the thing that I did is really bad, Dan.
我觉得我自己是个糟糕透顶的人。
This is, I am a horrible person.
你的数据怎么说？你又想对他们说什么？
What does your data say and what do you want to say to them?
好吧，我想对他们说的是：学会对自己温柔一点。
Okay, so what I want to say to them is practice self compassion.
其实，有很多强有力的研究都表明，我们有必要对自己保持善意。
This is actually a there's a powerful strain of research on the need to be compassionate to ourselves.
这可不是什么空洞的、不着边际的鸡汤。
This is not some kind of gooey, woo woo kind of thing.
简单来说，我想跟你说的是：
Essentially, here's what I would tell you.
对自己温柔一点，别用贬低的方式对待自己。
Treat yourself with kindness rather than contempt.
我们心里跟自己说话的方式，比如骂自己‘笨蛋’，这种内耗既伤人又刻薄。
The way we talk to ourselves internally, you idiot, you know, swearing at ourselves internally is lacerating and mean spirited.
别这样对自己。
Don't do that.
没有证据表明——
There's no evidence that-
说起来容易，做起来难。
Easier said than done.
如果朋友处在这种情况，你会对他说什么？
What would you say to a friend in that situation?
你会说‘你这个笨蛋，真蠢’吗？
And would you say, You freaking idiot, you're a moron.
你什么都不懂。
You don't know what you're doing.
你是个糟糕的人。
You're a terrible person.
你不会这样对朋友说的。
You wouldn't say that.
我的意思是，这太荒谬了。
I mean, it's preposterous.
你绝对不会这样对朋友说话。
You wouldn't say that to a friend.
所以，对自己温柔一点，别对自己苛刻。
So so treat yourself with kindness rather than contempt.
对自己要像对待朋友一样。
Treat yourself the way you would treat a friend.
第二点是，我们犯错、搞砸事情，或者做了让自己羞愧的事时，往往会觉得这定义了整个人生。
Second thing is what often happens is that when we make a mistake, when we screw up, when we do something that feels shameful, we think that it constitutes the full measure of our life.
但其实并不是。
And it's not.
这只不过是人生中的一个瞬间。
It's a moment in your life.
它并不能代表你整个人生。
It's not the full measure of your life.
如果你想想这条时间线，就会明白，只是在这段时间里你出了差错。
If you think about this timeline, it's like, okay, during this period, you messed up.
但其他时候，你依然是个不错的人。
But this rest of the stuff, you're a decent person.
就像电影里的一个片段。
Like a scene in the movie.
是的
Yeah.
一个片段
A scene.
这是长达十年的电影里的一个片段，它并不能完全定义
It's a scene in a decade long movie, and it doesn't fully it doesn't fully define
你
you.
除非你不断回放这个片段
Unless you keep replaying the scene.
对
Yeah.
没错
Exactly.
除非你一直盯着最大的错误不放
Unless keep the biggest mistake.
除非你
Unless you
一直倒带，反复看那个场景。
keep rewinding and watching that scene over and over and over again.
好吧，丹，我就继续拖着这个行李箱走吧。
Well, Dan, I'm just going to keep on dragging around the suitcase.
我作弊了。
I cheated.
我把钱全挥霍了。
I squandered my finances.
我对人很刻薄。
I was a jerk to people.
我一点都不友善。
I was unkind.
如果我早点出现就好了，我后悔没早点出现，也没接电话，结果那人就走了。
I was too if I had just shown up earlier, I regret not showing up earlier or picking up the phone because then the person died.
我一直在拖着这件事，或者就是不停地回放那个场景。
I've been dragging this or I just keep replaying the scene.
我们最大的错误，是不是就是陷在里面反复回想？
Is that the biggest mistake that we're making is wallowing in it and replaying it?
没错。
Absolutely.
我们通常会犯两种不同的错误。
We make two different different kinds of mistakes.
一种是完全忽视，另一种是陷在里面出不来。
We ignore it or we wallow in it.
这两种都很糟糕。
And both are really bad.
我们该做的，其实是意识到：哎，这感觉真不好受。
What we should be doing is like, oh, wow, this feels crappy.
这种遗憾到底在提醒我什么？
What is this regret telling me?
另外，我觉得对待自己时，得有点严厉的爱才行。
And if we treat ourselves you know, the other thing that I would say with a little bit of tough love on this
对。
Yes.
就是说，
Is
说吧，我听着。
Hit me.
来吧，说吧。
Let's go.
这些遗憾里，你有没有哪一个是特别放不下的？
You got to like, any of these regrets?
我是说，我会很体谅你，但你真没那么特别。
I mean, I'll be a compassionate person, but you're not that special.
我是说，你给我举一个这样的遗憾例子听听。
I mean, you know, it's like you tell me about give me one of these regrets.
就好像你是世界上唯一一个把钱挥霍掉的人似的。
It's like, oh, wow, you're the really only person in the world who squandered their money.
哇，你是唯一一个出轨的人？别开玩笑了，你没那么特别。
Oh, wow, you're only person in the world who cheated on their It's like, like, you're not that special.
这本来就是人生的一部分。
Like, it's part of the human experience.
你是个普通人。
You're a human being.
又不是像自恋的人那样，觉得自己独一无二地优秀。
And it's not like you're like, you know, the narcissists believe they're singularly excellent.
但有些人恰恰相反，觉得自己独一无二地糟糕。
But some of these people are almost reverse narcissists feeling like they're singularly bad.
你没那么特别。
It's like you're not that special.
你只是一个在经历人生的人。
You're a human being who's living an experience.
有时候你会遇到那种事情彻底失控的时刻。
And at a moment you have a scene where things went off the rails.
明白了。
All right.
那种感觉确实很糟糕。
That feels terrible.
我懂。
I get it.
对自己温柔一点，别用鄙视的眼光对待自己。
Treat yourself with kindness rather than contempt.
像对待朋友一样对待自己，明白这只是你人生中的一个片段，而不是你整个人生的全部定义。
Treat yourself like you would a friend and recognize it's a moment in your life rather than the full measure of your life.
当我们这么做，才能真正理解遗憾的意义。
And when we do that, we can begin to make sense of regret.
才能从中汲取教训。
We can begin to draw lessons from it.
我喜欢这一点，因为它确实反映了你在那一刻的应对方式。
I love that because it doesn't it certainly defines how you handled yourself in that moment.
但如果你愿意深入我们即将一起探讨的这些研究，它就能帮你成长为未来想成为的那个人。
But if you really are willing to use the research that you're about to unpack with us, you can allow it to teach you to become who you wanna become in the future.
我很想多听听你关于 regrets 的这项大规模研究。
I'd love to hear more about this huge research study rather that you did on regret.
是的。
Yeah.
丹，你在研究中发现最普遍的遗憾类型是什么？
Dan, what's the most common type of regret that you found when you dug into the research?
我们发现，世界各地的人们似乎都经历着四种类似的遗憾。
What we discovered is that around the world, people seem to have the same four kinds of regrets.
这些遗憾可以归为几类。
So these fall in buckets.
对。
Right.
全世界的人都会遇到这四类后悔。
So there are four categories all over the world.
基础型后悔：要是当初我认真努力就好了。
Foundation regrets, if only I had done the work.
勇气型后悔：要是当初我敢去尝试就好了。
Boldness regrets, if only I had taken the chance.
道德型后悔：要是当初我做了对的事就好了。
Moral regrets, if only I had done the right thing.
关系型后悔：要是当初我主动联系就好了。
And connection regrets, if only I had reached out.
最常见的一种后悔，是关于人际关系的。
The most common regret was a regret of connection.
明白了。
All right.
通常来说，背后的故事都是这样的。
And so typically, the story was this.
你曾经拥有过一段关系，或者本该拥有这么一段关系，本该好好维系的。
You had a relationship or should have had a relationship that should have been intact.
但这段关系往往是悄无声息地破裂的。
And it comes apart, usually in undramatic ways.
其实没你想的那么戏剧化，根本没多少波澜。
There's very little there's like less drama than you would think.
我上大学时有个朋友叫梅，我们那时候特别要好。
Hey, I have Hey, I went to college with my friend Mel, and we were really tight.
可后来，我已经有十年没见她了。
And then but I haven't seen her for ten years.
我真该给她打个电话，问问她最近怎么样。
I should really give her a call, see how she's doing.
唉，算了。
Oh, no.
打过去太尴尬了，她估计也不在乎。
It's gonna be so awkward, and she's not gonna care.
所以我一直没行动。
So I don't do it.
有时候，就来不及了。
And sometimes it's too late.
我采访过一位女士，她有个朋友病得很重，她一直犹豫要不要联系，觉得会很尴尬。
There's a one woman I interviewed who had a friend who was who was deeply ill, and she hemmed and hawed about reaching out to her because she thought it was gonna be awkward.
等她终于打电话过去时，朋友那天早上已经去世了。
And when she finally did call, the friend had died that morning.
那天早上？
That morning?
就是那天早上。
That morning.
还有其他人，比如我采访过一位叫谢丽尔的女士，她大学时有个特别要好的朋友，后来渐渐疏远了。
There are other people who one woman named Cheryl who I interviewed had this great friend from college actually who she drifted apart from.
她整整二十到二十五年，都没给对方打过一个电话。
And she for twenty years, twenty five years, and she didn't call her.
她想给她打电话，但最终没打。
She wanted to call her, but she didn't call her.
那后来怎么样了？
And what happened
接下来呢？
next?
我有点对她失望，因为这简直就是典型的遗憾型关系案例。
So, I got kind of frustrated with her because it was a classic example of a connection regret.
但随着这些访谈的深入，我越来越了解这个人了。
But as I have these interviews, I'm getting to know this person better.
我心里想，切丽，你其实知道该怎么做。
I'm thinking to myself, Cheryl, you know what to do here.
最后，大概五天后，我收到了一封邮件。
And so finally, get an email maybe five days later.
我给她发了一封邮件。
I sent an email to her.
她朋友叫珍。
Her friend's name was Jen.
我给珍发了封邮件，她见到我消息特别开心。
I sent an email to Jen, and she was so happy to hear from me.
后来她们通了电话，接着就约出来见面了。
And then they ended up having a phone conversation, and then they ended up meeting up.
现在我敢说，每六个月她都会发一张照片给我，说：‘我刚和珍见了面。’
And now I swear, I get a photograph every six months of, hey, I just saw Jen.
这是咱们俩的合照。
Here's a photo of us together.
所以说，事情就是这么发展的。
And so, you know, that's that's what happens.
这位女士一直背负着这份遗憾，整整二十年。
And this woman was like living with this regret for twenty years.
而她要做的，其实只是主动联系一下。
And all she had to do was reach out.
她一旦这么做了，一切就变好了。
And she once she did, things were better.
我也有个类似的故事。
So I've got a story like this.
咱们上小学和高中的时候，那是七十年代到八十年代初。
So when you and I were in elementary school and high school, we're talking seventies and early
没错。
You got it.
那时候没有社交媒体，也没有手机。
No social media, no cell phones.
一点都没有。
Absolutely not.
我到东部上大学。
I went East for college.
我是在中西部长大的。
I grew up in the Midwest.
我最好的朋友乔迪·布里肯留在了中西部，从此我们的人生就分道扬镳了。
My best friend, Jody Bricken, stayed in the Midwest and our two paths separated.
明白了。
Okay.
我就一直留在东岸。
And I stayed out East.
她搬去了芝加哥。
She moved to Chicago.
后来又搬到了西海岸。
She then moved out West.
接下来二十多年，我们莫名其妙地就不再联系了。
We spent the next twenty some years not talking for no reason.
对啊。
Right.
真的没什么原因。
For no reason.
那时候根本没手机。
We just had no cell phones.
我是说，我压根没想到要去找她，等我开始用社交媒体的时候，我们已经十年没联系了，就是因为我们再也没见过面——我搬得远，她也搬得远。
Like, you know, I didn't even think to follow her because once I got social media, we hadn't talked in, like, ten years just because we didn't see each other again, because I moved far away, she moved far away.
后来有一年夏天，我快五十岁的时候，我们居然碰上了。
And then we ended up bumping into each other one summer in I think my mid forties.
然后
And
我一下子涌上好多思念，特别想她。
I immediately was flooded with how much I missed her.
我们就开始约时间，丹，只要我们俩出差，就尽量把日程对上，然后住进同一个酒店，她去参加她的会议。
And we started making these dates, Dan, that whenever we would both travel for work, we would try to line up our calendars, and then we'd stay in a hotel room together, and she'd be at her business conference.
我去参加我的会议。
I'd be at mine.
这成了我人生中最开心的事之一。
It's one of the greatest joys of my life.
就那一瞬间的事，丹。
It just took a second, Dan.
重新联系真的只需要一瞬间。
It takes a second to reconnect.
我在采访这样的人时发现，关系几乎立刻就能重新接上。
And what I have found in interviewing people like this is that the relationship restarts almost instantly.
天哪。
Oh my god.
我们每周都会发短信。
We text every week.
我经常给她打电话。
I talk her on the phone.
对。
Yeah.
一年里我们见好多次面，尽管我们住在国家的两个完全不同的地方。
We see each other many times a year, even though we live nowhere we live in completely different parts of the country.
我在佛蒙特州。
I'm in Vermont.
她在亚利桑那州。
She's in Arizona.
但这段关系给我的生活带来了太多快乐。
But we it has brought so much joy to my life.
很多关系就是这样慢慢疏远的。
And that's how that's how a lot of these relationships come apart.
你知道，我们总以为关系破裂是因为发生了什么大爆炸。
There's like you know, it's like we think that relationships come apart because there's some kind of explosion.
但在这类情况里，还有很多其他情况，其实只是渐渐失去了联系。
And in this case, and in many cases, just adrift.
谢丽尔和珍就是这样。
That was the case with with Cheryl and Jen.
你和乔迪也是这样。
That was the case with you and Jody.
就这么慢慢淡了。
It just drifts.
你只需要主动联系一下就行。
And all you have to do, reach out.
我真没法告诉你，这会给你带来多大的快乐。
I cannot tell you how much joy it will bring you.
当我跟你讲乔迪的故事时，如果你心里想到了谁，就马上联系他们。
If there's somebody on your mind that you're thinking about as I tell you the story of Jody, call them.
给他们发条消息。
Text them.
把这期节目转给他们，说：你刚听了梅尔和丹的这期节目，我第一个想到的就是你，我非得跟你联系不可。
Send them this episode and say, you just listened to this episode with Mel and Dan, and you were the first person that popped into my mind, and I would have and I just had to reach out to you.
我想你了。
I miss you.
我刚刚还在想你。
I just was thinking about you.
这是一条人生经验。
It's a life lesson.
有疑虑的时候，就主动联系吧。
When in doubt, reach out.
有疑虑的时候，就主动联系吧。
When in doubt, reach out.
咱们先暂停一下。
Let's hit the pause button.
让我们的赞助商说几句话。
I wanna give our sponsors a chance to share a few words.
也给你个机会，把这期节目分享给生活中的人。
And I also wanna give you a chance to share this with people in your life.
我敢说，一定有个人刚在你脑子里冒出来，因为我保证，只要你根据今天学到的去联系别人，你们的关系也会变得更融洽。
I'm sure there's somebody that has popped up into your mind because I promise you, when you reach out to somebody based on what you're learning, you're gonna feel better in your relationship too.
你先别走，丹尼尔·平克马上就要开始了。
And while you do that, don't go anywhere because Daniel Pink is just getting started.
正如你所听到的，他对这个话题还有更多值得我们学习的内容，别走开。
And as you can tell, he has so much more to teach you and me about this topic, so stay with me.
欢迎回来。
Welcome back.
我是你的朋友梅尔·罗宾斯。
It's your friend Mel Robbins.
今天，我和你一起见到了丹尼尔·平克。
Today, you and I are here with Daniel Pink.
他是《纽约时报》畅销书作者，也是那本关于遗憾的全球性研究的作者，这本书彻底改变了我对生活、过去、未来以及我所做一切的看法。
He's a New York Times bestselling author, and he's the author of this global study on regret that fundamentally changed how I think about my life, the past, future, things I've done.
我知道它正在让你重新思考很多事。
I know it's really making you think differently.
接下来我想问一个问题。
Here's my next question.
为什么我们总是这么犹豫不决？
Why are we so hesitant?
我的意思是，我们为什么总是拖那么久才去重新联系呢，丹？
Like, why do we wait so long to reconnect, Dan?
好吧。
Okay.
因为我们一上来就这么干了。
Because we are here we go.
我再给你泼点冷水吧。
I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna just drop another nugget of tough love here.
因为我们总觉得比实际更特别。
Because we think we're more special than we really are.
明白吗？
Okay?
我这么说的意思是：
So, here's what I mean by that.
懂了吧？
All right?
我们总觉得会很尴尬，觉得对方根本不在乎。
We think it's going be awkward and we think the other side's not going to care.
这才是最关键的一点。
That's the most important thing.
但反过来想，假如我那个老朋友梅过了十五年突然给我打电话，
And then but if we if you give it the reverse, you would say, suppose that my old friend Mel called me after fifteen years.
你会说，这也太奇怪了吧。
Would you say, that's really weird.
我真不敢相信她真这么做了。
I can't believe she did that.
我肯定会特别开心。
I'd be thrilled.
对吧。
Exactly.
那为什么对方就不会开心呢？
So why wouldn't the other person be thrilled?
我们总觉得，呃，自己跟别人完全不一样。
We think somehow our we yeah, like we're entirely different from everybody else.
当然，如果有人主动联系我们，我们会很高兴，但别人不会，因为我们太特别了。
Of course, we'd be thrilled if somebody reached out, but no one else would because we're so special.
所以，在关系方面的遗憾，确实普遍存在。
And so and so there there is a great degree, particularly on connection regrets.
这让我个人深刻意识到，尴尬感是如何成为行动的障碍的。
This is actually a big lesson for me personally about feelings of awkwardness as a barrier to doing things.
尴尬其实是最虚张声势的纸老虎。
Awkwardness is the most papery of paper tigers.
我是认真的，尴尬真的就是这样。
Awkwardness I mean it.
我话说得很严肃。
I'm I'm dead serious.
我特别喜欢‘纸老虎’这个说法。
Well, I love the papery of paper tigers.
尴尬得很。
Awkward.
其实它就是个纸老虎。
Well, you so it's it's a paper tiger.
它不是真老虎。
It's not a real tiger.
就是个纸老虎。
It's a paper tiger.
但真就是张纸。
But it's really paper.
你一撞，直接就穿过去了。
You go beep, and you go right through it.
就像那些卡通里，一个人看到地上有个巨大的影子，以为是个庞然大物，结果一瞧，原来就一个小东西在那儿。
It's like those things in, those it's like in those those cartoons where somebody comes and sees this giant shadow and the person looks like huge, and then you realize there's this little bitty thing right there.
对。
Yes.
就是这样。
That's what that is.
所以。
So
想到重新联系，大家总会觉得尴尬，还高估了那些话的重要性。
So there's awkwardness in thinking about the reconnection, and we overestimating What
我该说点啥呢？
going am to say?
我都没跟他们联系过。
It's going to I haven't talked to them.
我不了解他们现在什么样。
I don't know what they're like.
我们太在意用词了，其实真正重要的只是那份温暖和主动的示意。
We over index on the words we use and don't realize that simply the warmth and the overture was what matters.
这方面的研究是有的。
There's research on this.
康奈尔大学的瓦妮莎·邦兹做过很多关于赞美方面的研究。
Vanessa Bonz at Cornell has done a lot of this research on compliments.
赞美也是同样的道理。
It's the same thing with compliments.
我们给的赞美太少了。
We don't give enough compliments.
我们不给赞美，是因为觉得一旦说出口，场面会很尴尬，怕自己说得不好，对方也不在意。
And the reason we don't give compliments is we say, oh, it's going to be really awkward if I give a compliment because I'm not going to say it right or and the other side's not going to care.
但实际上，根本没那么尴尬，对方其实很在意。
When in fact, it's not awkward and they do care.
所以，别被这种顾虑拦住。
So push past that.
尴尬也好，难为情也好，都不是借口。
So awkwardness is not Cringe is not an excuse.
你们想怎么说都行。
Call whatever you want, guys.
这根本不是借口。
It is not an excuse.
所以我觉得这就是原因。
So I think that's the reason why.
我特别喜欢这个话题，让我跟你说说为什么。
Well, I love this topic, let me tell you why.
你刚才在说的时候，我猜你一边听一边也在想，那些你特别想念、好久没想起的人，心里可能正琢磨着：也许我该主动联系一下。
As you were just talking, and I'm sure as you're listening or watching, you're probably thinking about people that you really miss or you haven't thought of and you just kinda are thinking, well, maybe I should reach out.
我有个朋友，大学刚毕业那会儿跟我和好了，现在想起来特别后悔。
Like, I have a friend that I regret having a falling out with in college, right after college.
那是因为我当时的心理健康出了问题，加上我参与了传闲话——虽然不是故意撒谎，但我真的特别后悔。
It was due to my mental health issues and a lie that I or it wasn't a lie, was gossip that I engaged in, and I really regret it.
现在让我犹豫不决的，就是那种尴尬、难为情，还有害怕被拒绝的心理。
And I it's the awkwardness and the cringe and also this fear of rejection that keeps me from reaching out.
但在这段对话中我突然明白，我必须去联系，因为人与人之间的联结太重要了。
And what I'm getting in the middle of this conversation is I need to because connection.
我知道我重视被接纳的感觉。
I know I value acceptance.
我知道我珍惜这些事。
I know I value these things.
我也一样有责任。
And I too am guilty.
我们谈的是三十多年都没再联系，或者根本没想过要重新联络。
We're talking thirty plus years of missing that connection or at least just not ever checking back in.
我们能不能好好聊聊这种没说‘我爱你’的遗憾？
Can we unpack this regret of not saying I love you?
是的。
Yeah.
这让我特别有感触。
It's very striking to me.
对。
Yeah.
有多少人从来都没听过父母对他们说过‘我爱你’？
How many people have either never heard one of their parents tell them they love them.
是的。
Yeah.
或者等到父母临终前才听到。
Or you hear it on the deathbed.
是的。
Yeah.
或者你一直在等某个人对你说出这句话。
Or you're waiting for somebody to say it to you.
没错。
Yep.
你能谈谈这种遗憾吗？
Can you talk a little bit about this particular regret?
因为我经常看到这种情况。
Because I see it a lot.
我还没来得及告诉爸妈我的感受，也没对兄弟姐妹说，他们就走了。
I didn't tell my mom or dad how they felt or my brother or my sister, and then they died.
解决办法其实非常简单。
The solution is very, very simple.
现在就说出来。
Say it now.
就这么简单。
Period.
到此为止。
Full stop.
就这么回事。
That's all that it is.
如果觉得有点别扭，那也没关系。
And if it feels a little awkward, fine.
别被这种别扭感拦住，继续说。
Push past that awkwardness.
你现在感受到的尴尬，跟五年、十年后可能涌上心头的后悔比起来，根本算不了什么，直接说吧。
The feeling of awkwardness you're experiencing now is nothing compared to the feeling of regret you might feel five years from now, ten years from now, and just say it.
而且说实话，这种回避也是一种习得的行为。
And the thing is, like this is also learned behavior.
因为你一旦开了头，下一次就会轻松很多。
Because once you do it, the next one becomes easier.
只要做了一次，之后就会越来越顺，越来越自然。
Once you do that, it it becomes easier and easier and easier and easier.
听好了，听清楚了，好好听。
Listen, listen, listen.
觉得这样很自然，其实并不对。
This is not natural to be Okay.
我是个六十岁出头的白人男性。
I'm like a straight white man in my early sixties.
让我给朋友发条消息说‘我在想你’，这对我而言根本不是件自然的事。
It's not natural for me to text a buddy of mine and say, hey, I'm thinking of you.
明白吗？
All right?
这其实是后天养成的习惯。
That is not that is learned behavior.
这并不自然。
That is not natural behavior.
但你知道吗？
But you know what?
你第二次这么做的时候，就没那么别扭了。
When you do that the second time, it's not as awkward.
我每次这么做，从来没人说‘这好怪啊’。
And there's not been a single time I've done something like that where someone said, oh, that's weird.
相反，情况完全不一样。
Instead, it's the exact opposite.
天哪。
Oh my god.
你真是太贴心了。
It's so nice of you.
太棒了。
Fantastic.
打个招呼吧。
Get a hey.
你发消息来，真让人感动。
That was so nice of you to text.
你最近怎么样？
Like, what's going on with you?
我喜欢这样。
I love that.
继续推进。
Push it.
另一个要讨论的方面是基础性的遗憾。
One of the other buckets is foundation regrets.
那些是指什么？
What are those?
你对债务的后悔就是一种基础性后悔。
Your regret about debt is a foundation regret.
意思是，我以前花得太厉害，对钱特别不负责任，花了很多根本没的钱，这些都算基础性后悔？
Meaning, I was spending too much I was very irresponsible with money, spent money that I didn't have, racked up all that's a foundation regret?
是的，我来跟你解释为什么。
Yeah, I'll you why.
因为每一次花钱的行为本身并没有造成毁灭性后果。
Because each individual act of spending was not itself cataclysmic.
真正的问题是，你年轻时做的那些小决定，会慢慢积累成后来的严重后果。
It's small decisions that you make early in life that accumulate to terrible consequences later on.
所以我花得多，存得少。
So I spent too much and saved too little.
现在我穷了。
Now I'm broke.
这是非常普遍的遗憾。
Hugely common regret.
我没有锻炼，也没注意饮食。
I didn't exercise or eat right.
现在我身体非常糟糕。
Now I'm profoundly unhealthy.
抽一根烟，没什么大不了。
You smoke one cigarette, it's fine.
但要是抽上二十年，那就不是小事了。
You do it for twenty years, it's not so fine.
这些遗憾是慢慢积累起来的，最终带来严重的后果。
And so these are regrets that accumulate and then have terrible consequences.
事情就是这样一点一点追上来的。
And that's how these things catch up on us.
我认识一个人，是个来自田纳西的家伙，人很好，出身艰难，事业上很成功，但从不存钱，因为他总是吃个不停。
I had a guy who talked about this guy, lovely guy from Tennessee, who had a tough background but did very well in his career but never saved money because he ate all he ate all the time.
他特别享受请人吃饭，总是主动买单。
And he felt good about taking people out to dinner, picking up the check all the time.
你要是每周出去吃五次，连续十年，这笔账可就大了。
And you go out to eat, you know, five times a week for ten years, it's going to add up, man.
然后突然有一天，他发现自己都四十岁了。
And so, you know, suddenly he's like, oh my god, I'm 40 years old.
结果一分钱存款都没有。
I have no savings.
明明工作不错，却还是月月光。
And I'm like living paycheck to paycheck, even though I have a good job.
就是这类事情积累起来的。
So it's those kinds of things.
偶尔请朋友吃一顿饭，完全没问题。
So that one time you go out to dinner and treat your friends, it's all cool.
真正要命的是这些小开销日积月累。
It's the accumulation of it all that really does it.
所以，这再次侵蚀了我们生活的根基。
So And again, it erodes the foundation of our lives.
关于遗憾，有一点很重要：它其实是在告诉我们，什么样的生活才算过得好。
And one of the things about regret is that regret is telling us what constitutes a good life.
明白吗？
Okay?
这四种遗憾，恰恰指出了什么才是美好的人生。
So, four regrets are telling us what makes a good life.
而其中有一条，常常被忽视，那就是：美好的人生需要一定的稳定性。
And one of the things that makes a good life that I think sometimes gets short shrift is that a good life has some stability.
美好的人生，得有坚实的底子。
A good life has a foundation to it.
美好的人生，不该是摇摇欲坠的。
A good life is not precarious.
我们总爱谈自我实现、找到目标和意义，诸如此类的话。
You know, we can talk about self actualizing and feeling a sense of purpose and meaning and dah, dah, dah, dah.
但如果你连房租都付不起，你的生活肯定好不了。
But if, like, you can't pay your rent, your life is less good.
所以听起来，那些基础性的遗憾就是这样悄悄袭来，等你反应过来，已经跌下悬崖，健康彻底垮了。
So it sounds like foundational regrets, these things that sneak up on us, and then all of a sudden we've fallen off a cliff and our health is terrible.
经济上一穷二白。
We have no money.
对啊。
Yeah.
沉迷酒精或者抽烟。
We're addicted to alcohol or smoking.
没错。
Yeah.
整天埋头工作，从不给朋友留时间，结果现在连朋友在哪都不知道——这些其实都是日常的小习惯，要么一点一滴筑起美好生活的根基，要么总想着等有空再说，结果永远等不到那一天。
We've been a workaholic and never made time for friends, and now have no idea where all our friends are, that these are kind of like the little daily habits that either lead you to building the foundation of a good life or that have you constantly putting it off for a rainy day.
你知道吗，有个著名的寓言讲的是，蚱蜢整个夏天都在拉小提琴、跳舞，而蚂蚁却勤勤恳恳地储存食物，为寒冬做准备。
You know, in famous fable, you had the grasshopper who was spending all summer, you know, playing the fiddle and dancing around, or you had the ant who was assiduously gathering food for the dark winter.
关键是这样。
And here's the thing.
你不可能一辈子都当蚂蚁。
It's like you don't want to live your entire life as an ant.
你不想总是为灾难做准备。
You don't want to always prepare for gloom or doom.
但你还是得有点蚂蚁的劲头，因为只要你肯负责，打好基础，生活就会好很多。
But you want to be a little ant like because your life is going to be better if you take responsibility, if you build that foundation.
咱们聊聊另一个类型的遗憾，就是关于勇气的。
Let's talk about one of the other categories of regrets, which is boldness.
对。
Yes.
这指的是什么？
What does that mean?
好吧。
Okay.
这是一个非常重要的类别，贯穿了我们生活的方方面面。
This is a really big category, and it spreads throughout all of our lives.
它其实向我们揭示了一个极其关键的道理。
And I think it tells us something really, really important.
最大的遗憾，就是这种。
Boldest regrets are this.
当你回望一生时，曾经面临两个选择。
You look back on your life and you had two choices.
要么稳妥行事，要么冒险一试。
You play it safe or take the chance.
要么稳妥行事，要么冒险一试。
Play it safe or take the chance.
我可以去国外留学，哪怕我从来没出过国，也可以继续待在这儿，再过一个学期。
Hey, I can study abroad even though I've never been out of the country, or I can just go and do my thing for another semester.
这个人，我真的特别喜欢。
Hey, this person is I'm really attracted to.
我想约他或她出来约会，还是干脆退缩，什么都不做。
I want to ask him or her out on a date, or I can just wimp out and not do it.
你知道吗？
You know what?
这份工作让我彻底麻木了。
I'm so deadened by this job.
我要么继续待在这儿，任由自己越来越麻木，要么冒险去创业。
I can either stay in it and continue the deadening, or I can take a risk and start a business.
绝大多数情况下，人们没去尝试，事后都会后悔。
Overwhelmingly, when people don't take the shot, they regret it.
几乎是全部。
Overwhelmingly.
不管在人生的哪个领域都是这样。
And it doesn't matter the domain of life.
当我们回望一生时，真正让人懊悔的，从来不是没抓住机会，不是不敢为自己在乎的事发声，不是不敢为自己挺身而出，不是没去创业。
It's like when we look back on our lives, what really bums us out is not taking the chance, not speaking up for something we care about, not standing up for ourselves, not starting that business.
我在约会这件事上后悔了上百次。
I got hundreds of regrets about dating.
天哪，真是这样。
It's like, oh my god.
以前有这么个男生或者女生，我特别喜欢他。
There was this guy or this gal, and I really liked him.
那是三十年前的事了，我现在特别后悔没主动约他出去。
And you know, this is thirty years ago, and I really wish I had asked him out on a date.
所以，最让我后悔的，就是没敢大胆行动，要是当时鼓起勇气就好了。
So, regrets of boldness if only I'd taken the shot.
我很高兴你提到，这些遗憾几乎都集中在没去做的事上，因为我确实觉得人生就两种活法。
I'm so happy that you said it was overwhelmingly focused on things that you didn't do because I do believe there's kind of two ways to go through life.
一种是事后总在想，要是当初我做了就好了；另一种是庆幸自己当时做了。
You either are gonna be saying, boy, I wish I had, or boy, I'm so glad I did.
在我接触过的成千上万的案例里，我几乎没听过谁后悔说，我真不该辞职去创业，哪怕最后失败了。
And as I went through even our own, like thousands and thousands, I didn't really see a lot of regret saying, I really regret quitting that job and starting the business even though it failed.
我真后悔，就是把所有东西都卖了，然后决定全职旅行。
I really regret, you know, like selling everything and figuring out how to travel full time.
我特别后悔搬了家。
I really regret moving.
我没看到几个人说，他们因为做了自己真正渴望的事而后悔，哪怕那件事最后没成功。
I didn't see really anybody reporting that boldness when it was a decision aligned with something that they yearn for ended up being a regret.
这话说到我心坎里了。
Amen on that one, man.
咱们聊聊一个常见的说法吧？
Can we talk about a common phrase that we saw?
我知道在你做的那个关于遗憾的大规模研究里，这句话出现得特别多——我真希望当初早点做这件事。
And I know it showed up profoundly in this massive research study that you did on regrets, which is I wish I had done this sooner.
对。
Yeah.
这简直是一种双重遗憾：你后悔没做，等你终于做了，又后悔没早点做。
So it's almost like this two pronged regret where you regretted something and then you have the double regret of wishing once you caught it that you caught it sooner.
是的
Yeah.
是什么让人一直停留在等待中？
What keeps people in this waiting period?
我觉得确实存在这种情况，比如我真希望当初早点结束那段关系。
Because I do feel like there is, at least in the, I wish I'd gotten out of the relationship sooner.
我真希望当初早点辞职，早点重回护理学校。
I wish I would've quit in this wish I would've gone back to nursing school sooner.
我真希望当初早点行动——这几乎等于在承认，那些年你一直在说服自己放弃，其实你心里早就知道答案。
I wish I would've that it's almost an admission to yourself that those years you spent talking yourself out of it, you knew the truth all the time.
你可能是知道的。
You might have.
但有时候时机还没到。
But sometimes the timing isn't right.
对于这件事，你对自己宽容一点吧。
I'd give yourself a lot of grace on that.
为什么呢？
How come?
因为你已经做了点什么。
Because you did something.
你采取了行动。
You took the action.
你明白吗？
You know?
你采取了行动。
You took the action.
有句古老的中国谚语说，种一棵树最好的时间是二十年前。
There's this old Chinese proverb, which is, you know, the best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago.
其次就是现在。
Second best time is now.
所以你就得这么想。
And so that's what you you just have to think about it that way.
所以，如果你戒烟了，这真的很棒。
So, if you stop smoking, that's fantastic.
是的，也许你五年前就该戒了，但你没戒。
Yeah, maybe you should have stopped five years ago, but you didn't.
所以，请对自己宽容一点，因为你做了一件非常艰难却对你自己和家人真正有价值的事。
And so, give yourself some grace because you did something really hard that is actually valuable for yourself and your family.
我真的觉得你应该善待自己，别总纠结于为什么没早点做。
I really think you got to treat yourself with grace and not obsess over doing something sooner.
我们很多人天生都比较保守，不敢冒险。
A lot of us are like kind of risk averse.
诺贝尔奖得主丹尼尔·卡尼曼的研究，归根结底就是这一点。
And Daniel Kahneman, the great Nobelist, he research basically distilling to this.
在合适的时候停下，总让人觉得停得太早。
Quitting at the right time always feels like quitting too early.
事情就是这么回事。
That's just the way that it is.
我觉得听到这一点真的很有帮助：当你该戒掉的时候，通常并不会觉得自己准备好了。
I think it's really helpful to hear that when it's time to quit, you're typically not gonna feel ready.
没错。
Exactly.
所以如果你说，‘我现在戒是不是太早了？’
So if you say, oh, this is too early for me to quit.
那可能恰恰说明，现在就是该戒的时候。
Oh, that might be a signal that it's the right time.
我们做出决定时的确定感，往往来自于意识到‘是时候了’，但又会多拖一会儿，最后才下定决心：就是现在了。
It's almost how we gain surety in the decision is by kind of knowing, okay, it's time, but you build up a little bit more friction and then just say, now it's time.
对。
Right.
我试着对自己宽容一点时，是这么想的：当我们回望过去，后悔没早点做某个决定时，往往会忘了，我们是从未来的自己那个角度回头看的。
Here's how I kind of think about it if I'm trying to extend myself some grace, is that when we look back on decisions that we've made and then we regret not making them sooner, we forget that we're looking back from our future self.
说得很好，而且
Very good And
我们回头看过去的时候，并没有现在这些信息。
we did not have the information that we have as we're looking at the past.
我现在57岁，了解自己、知道自己能做什么，跟二十岁、三十岁、四十岁的时候完全不一样。
Like what I know about myself and what I'm capable of as a 57 year old woman is very different than what I knew about myself and the resources and understanding that I had when I was in my twenties, thirties, forties.
而且，用现在的我——那个因为种种遗憾而改变的我——去要求二十年前的自己，这并不公平。
And it's not very fair to hold the 57 year old version of me, who by the way, is different because of the things I regret.
说得好。
Good point.
不该用现在的认知去苛责二十年前的自己。
And hold that knowledge over myself twenty years ago.
没错。
Right.
所以当我们审视过去的行为时，得想想那时候的那个人。
And so when we scrutinize our past behavior, we have to think about that person.
不是现在的我们，而是那时候的他，到底知道些什么。
Not this person today, but what that person know?
丹尼尔，这些后悔情绪的四类划分真的很有助于理解。
Daniel, these four categories that regrets fall into are so helpful to understand.
而且也很有帮助的是，要明白这种感受是人人都有的。
And it's also helpful to understand that this is universal.
每个人都会经历后悔，但也能从中学习。
We all experience regrets and we can learn from them.
这让我意识到，原来我不是一个人在面对这些。
It's helping me see that I'm not alone.
它还让我感觉到，其实我们是可以做点什么的。
And it's also giving me this sense that there's something you can do.
我相信，你现在听或看的时候，这段对话一定让你心里轻松了一些，你可能在点头，也可能想到身边有谁特别需要这些方法和框架。
And I'm sure as you're listening right now or you're watching, there's something in this conversation that's just making you feel lighter, you're nodding your head, or perhaps you're thinking about people in your life who really need these tools and these frameworks.
我建议你花一分钟，把这期节目分享给他们。
I want you to take a minute and share this episode with them.
发到你的家庭群聊里吧。
Drop it in your family group chat.
发一封邮件给一群同事。
Send it in an email to a bunch of colleagues.
发给你那个总在责备自己的朋友，我要告诉你，这项研究可能会彻底改变她对整个人生的看法。
Send it to that friend of yours that's constantly beating herself up because I'm gonna tell you something, this research could fundamentally change how they see their entire life.
别走开，等我们回来后，丹尼尔·平克会给出具体的建议，教你如何把遗憾变成人生最重要的老师。
And don't go anywhere because Daniel Pink has specific recommendations for how to turn regret into your biggest teacher when we return.
继续听下去。
Stay with me.
欢迎回来。
Welcome back.
我是你的朋友梅尔。
It's your friend Mel.
今天，我和你要深入探讨一项我读过的最有力量的研究。
And today, you and I are diving into one of the most powerful studies I've ever read.
这项研究讲的是遗憾，以及你如何把遗憾当作一种信号和导师，来改善你的生活，塑造未来的自己。
It's all about regret and how you can use regret to be a signal and a teacher that improves your life and who you become in the future.
丹尼尔，我下一个问题是。
Daniel, here's my next question.
让我特别触动的一点是，有太多人提到，他们明明知道关系不对，却还是拖得太久，甚至继续和那些不尊重自己、虐待自己、对自己很差的人在一起。
One thing that that really strikes me is how many people talked about how they stayed in relationships too long or stayed in relationships with somebody that was disrespectful or abusive or treating them poorly.
当你身处一段被轻视，甚至更糟——被虐待的关系中时，
And when you are in a relationship where you're being disrespected or worse, abused
天哪。
Oh my god.
是啊。
Yeah.
你根本感觉不到安全。
You don't feel safe.
你根本看不到自己能离开的可能，这也就解释了，为什么当时你迟迟下不了决心。
You don't have the perspective that you will be able to leave it, which explains why you hedge on the decision to do so at the time.
所以我很欣赏这一点，丹尼尔，它能帮你放下自责——别再因为当时没准备好、没能力离开，而觉得是自己错了。
And so I love that piece of this, Dan, to help relieve you of continuing to make yourself wrong for not being ready or able at the time that you now think you should have been.
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