来自你未曾想过需要的百岁老人的人生智慧

所以对于那些永久性断绝关系的人，我问过：'你能做些什么来寻求帮助？'

And so with many of the people who were estranged in permanent estrangements, I said, What can you do to find help?

他们会说：'我需要一台时光机。'

They would say, I need a time machine.

意思是：'我要回到过去，在事情发生前阻止这一切。'

I mean, I would go back and stop this before it occurred.

所以你可以考虑'预期后悔'这个概念，这是心理学家经常讨论的。

So what you can think about is anticipatory regret, which is something psychologists talk about.

我们不仅后悔做过的事，还会思考那些可能让我们后悔的事。

We don't just regret those things that we did, but we think about things that we might regret.

我认为这是其中的关键信息。

And I think that's a key message here.

举个例子，假设你和兄弟发生严重冲突，决定老死不相往来。

So for one example, you and your brother are having a horrible conflict and you decide never to speak to one another.

这将对后代产生连锁反应。

Well, that's going to have ripple effects down to all the next generations.

表亲们将不再往来。

The cousins aren't going to speak together.

家庭聚会将不复存在。

There won't be family reunions.

家族团聚也将消失。

There won't be family gatherings.

所以关键在于运用预期后悔法。

So the idea is to use anticipatory regret.

如果我放任这种情况发生，将来会后悔吗？

If I let this happen, will I regret it?

我认为这是处理家庭关系的有效思考方式。

I think that's a very powerful way to think about these things in your family.

你和兄弟姐妹一起长大。

You grew up with your sibling.

你们之间有着深厚的情感纽带。

You have strong attachment to them.

你对从小一起长大的人有着生物学上的依恋，这种情感无法通过理性克服。

You have biologically based attachment to the people you grew up with that you can't overcome rationally.

所以你真的想让这些关系恶化到某个程度吗，即使此刻看似正确？

So do you really want those to deteriorate to a point, even if it seems right in this very moment?

我特别喜欢你把这件事剖析开来，因为我认为理性上我们都知道——在生命尽头时，你会希望被家人环绕。

I I love that you're breaking this down because I think you can intellectually know that at the end of your life, you wanna be surrounded by your family.

你会希望已经弥补了所有裂痕。

You want to have made amends.

你会希望朋友们都在身边。

You want your friends to be there.

而人们往往放任那些细小的伤害不断累积，让怨恨生根发芽。

And it's easy to let the small little cuts build up and resentment to take hold.

作为三个成年子女的父亲，我认为与他们的关系100%是我的责任——这观点很有意思。

And as a parent myself of three adult kids, what's interesting to me is that I believe that my relationship with them is 100% my responsibility.

如果你能从这些八九十岁乃至百岁老人的情感访谈与反思中汲取经验（他们都渴望时光倒流做出某个改变），你会最希望做出什么改变？你会如何策略性地告诉听众他们应该改变什么？

And so if you could take these very emotional interviews and reflections from the 80 and 90 and 100 year olds that wish they could go back in time and make one change, what would be the one change that you would want that you would tell them tell the person listening tactically that they should make?

因为我觉得这场对话会让作为父母的双方都进行自我反思，而许多成年子女或青少年也可能把这段内容分享给父母——希望某人能顿悟：某个微小转变实际上能为整个家族乃至几代人带来积极的连锁反应。

Because I think that this is a conversation that both people will reflect on for themselves personally as a parent, but a lot of adult kids or kids in their teens might share back to their parents in the hopes that you will be able to have somebody have an epiphany about a small shift that actually creates a major positive ripple throughout an entire family and generations?

让我用一种方式回答。

Let me answer it in one way.

我这么说不是因为做客这档播客。

And I'm not saying this because I'm on this podcast.

我这么说是因为这与我们所有工作都契合。

I'm saying this because it fits with all of our work.

对于年迈的父母或已成年的子女，他们给出的实际建议往往就是'随他们去'这样的原则。

The general principle with your older parents or your adult children of something along the lines of let them is the actual advice that they would give.

而且这是双向的。

And it works both ways.

所以，如果我能向全世界坦白，我认为我的孩子们会同意这一点。

So, have tremendous if I can confess to the world, I think that my children would agree.

我对子女应该养成不同的健康习惯有很多想法。

I have lots of ideas about how my children should have different health habits.

而且，说实话，幸运的是，他们在养育自己的孩子方面做得很好。

And, know, actually, fortunately, they're great at raising their children.

对此我无可抱怨。

I can't complain about that.

但我对他们该做什么有很多想法。

But I have lots of ideas of what they should do.

这是一个每天都要克制不去看他们的过程。

And it's a daily process of not seeing them.

所以最终我对他们俩说的是：听着，我会努力做到这点。

And so I think what I had said to them both eventually is, look, I'm going to work on this.

唯一的例外是如果我认为某事确实存在危险。

The only exception I'll make if I think something is actually dangerous.

比如我认为某事可能会危及生命——虽然这种情况还没发生过。

Like if there's something that I think is going to be life threatening to somebody which hasn't occurred.

但除此之外，对于成年子女，我也会尽量克制自己不给建议。

But otherwise, I'm going to try to withhold my advice very similarly for adult children.

你不必在感恩节回家，试图说服父母是时候卖掉房子搬进养老院了。

You don't need to go home at Thanksgiving and try to convince your parent that it's time for them to sell the house and move into assisted living.

我的意思是，在这种情况下，你让他们自己犯错并接受自然结果。

I mean, you know, in that situation, you let them make their own mistakes and accept natural consequences.

这并不意味着你不能给出建议。

It doesn't mean that you can't give advice.

我要说最重要的一点是：不要主动给出未经请求的建议。

I would say one of the strongest things is don't give unsolicited advice.

我是说，要改掉这个习惯。

I mean, just get out of the habit.

有三四十年的研究表明，对于你遇到的问题，未经请求的建议会带来压力，尤其是来自没有类似经历的人。

There are thirty or forty years of research showing that unsolicited advice about a problem you're having is stressful, especially with somebody who hasn't been through the same issue.

我要给出另一个重要原则。

I will give another strong principle for this.

这些关系要在某种程度上，如果成功的话，转变为更像友谊的关系。

These relationships need to some extent, if they're successful, to translate into something a little more like friendship.

所以你要考虑共同的兴趣，比如可以一起做的事情。

So that you want to think about shared interests, for example, things you can do together.

就是这类事情。

There are those kinds of things.

许多修复疏远关系的人，并不是通过深入讨论过去实现的。

Many people who overcame an estrangement didn't do it by having a huge conversation about the past.

他们开始一起去宾果游戏厅，或者一起参加编织工坊。

They started to go to a bingo parlor together or they went to a weaving workshop together.

或者一起打高尔夫。

Or played golf together.

一起打过高尔夫。

Played golf together.

所以我认为让代际关系发挥作用的关键在于家庭关系中要放松些。

So I would say a real key piece for making these intergenerational relationships work is in these family relationships, lighten up.

对它们放松些。

Lighten up about them.

我是说，如果有人开了些傻乎乎的玩笑之类的，并非每件事都必须那么较真。

I mean, you know, if somebody makes goofy jokes or whatever, I mean, everything is not something that has to be done.

因此在这些关系中，年长者一次又一次地重复传递这个信息。

So over and over, this is a message of older people again and again and again in all these relationships.

对这些事情看开些。

Lighten up about some of these things.

不是所有事都必须那么严肃沉重。

Everything doesn't have to be you know, darkly serious.

尤其在婚姻中，这点尤为重要。

And especially in marriage, that was a strong one.

不必每件事都变成意志力的较量，你可以放松些。

Everything doesn't have to be this battle of the wills you can lighten up.

这是对你问题的一个散漫的回答。

That was a discursive answer to your question.

不。

No.

我其实很喜欢它。

I actually love it.

这确实对我有启发，因为我认为绝大多数与家庭成员关系紧张的人——无论是兄弟姐妹、父母子女、子女伴侣还是姻亲——问题都源于日积月累的矛盾。当大家聚在一起时，紧张气氛让相处变得压力重重，最终逃避反而成了更轻松的选择。

It helps me apply because I do think the vast majority of people that have strained relationships with family members, whether it's siblings or parents or kids or whatever, kids' partners or in laws, is the slow burn and the fact that all this stuff just builds up and then everybody gets together and you're so tense that it's stressful to be together and it just becomes easier to avoid it.

你知道吗，我想重点讨论你在畅销书《生活的30堂课》第193页总结的这个观点。

You know, one of the things that I wanna talk about because you summarize this on page one ninety three of your bestselling book, 30 Lessons for Living.

那些八九十岁甚至百岁老人为我们提供了五条美好生活的真谛。

There are five lessons from people in their eighties, nineties, and even their hundreds for living a really good life.

这些箴言是：永远诚实、把握机遇、多去旅行、谨慎择偶、及时表达。

And those lessons are always be honest, say yes to opportunities, travel more, choose a mate with extreme care, say it now.

我想逐条探讨这些建议。

I wanna take these one by one.

让我们从第一个开始。

Let's start with the first one.

永远要诚实。

Always be honest.

大多数人如果在人生后期未能做到所谓的'公平公正'，会遭受严重的悔恨。

Most people suffer from serious regret later in life if they have been less than, quote, fair and square.

是啊。

Yeah.

因为，当然，我采访过的人中，'公平公正'这个词是他们经常使用的概念，意思是你给人们一个公平的交易。

Because, of course, the people I interviewed, that term fair and square was something they often would have used in the And that was the idea that you offer people a square deal.

你提供真正公平的东西。

You offer something that's really fair.

是的，那对我来说又是一个意外。

Yeah, that was another surprise for me.

我想对听众们说，我知道你们脑海中可能正亮起陈词滥调的警报——毕竟谁不想诚实做人呢？

And I will say to listeners, I know you may have in your mind a little sign going off a cliche alert because who wouldn't want to be honest?

但对他们而言，这意味更深层次的东西，因为它曾是如此深刻的遗憾之源。

But for them it meant something deeper and more profound because it was such a source of regret.

那些欺骗过他人的人让我意识到，如果你曾是重大欺骗或背叛的受害者，那会成为你生命中挥之不去的悔恨。

People who had deceived someone actually let me say, if you were on the receiving end of some kind of major dishonesty or betrayal, that was a major regret in your own life.

当然，也有人遭遇过伴侣不忠这类事，这确实会动摇他们对人际关系的根本信念。

People, of course, had been on the receiving end of that kind of thing, of infidelity, And it really would shake their faith in the grounds of human relationships.

但我想说，最强烈的悔恨之一，是人们对自己不诚实行为的懊悔。

But I would say one of the strongest regrets was a person's own dishonesty.

这样的案例我遇到过很多。

So I had many cases.

有位男士向我坦白他的婚外情，他始终无法克服内心的负罪感——尽管努力过却始终无法忠诚，而妻子一直默默忍受。

One man told me about his marital infidelity, and he wasn't able to overcome his feelings of guilt about it, how he had never been able to be faithful even though he tried, his wife had put up with it.

我还接触过参与过可疑商业交易的人。

I talked to other people who had been involved in questionable business deals.

他们怀着同样的悔恨。

They had those same kinds of regrets.

所以诚实、正直，在生命尽头拥有完整的人生叙事——

So honestly, integrity, having your life narrative at the end of your life.

因为顺便说，人生末章的叙事极其重要。

Because by the way, narratives towards the end of life are extremely important.

你确实希望能用某种有意义的故事来总结你的人生。

You do really want to be able to sum up your life in some kind of a meaningful narrative.

我们可以稍后再讨论这点，但这是让你感觉准备好迎接未来的重要方式。

We could come back to that, but that's an important way of feeling like you're ready for whatever's next.

事实证明，保持正直是人们在总结人生故事时非常看重的重要品质。

Having acted with integrity turns out to be a major thing that people value when they're summing up their life narrative.

所以当你现在思考时，如果你在做一些不够诚实的事，如果你以某种方式欺骗或蒙蔽他人，你可以相当确定这会干扰你对自己生命价值的理解。

So when you're thinking now, if you're doing something that is less than honest, if you're doing things that are deceitful or deceptive in some way, you can be pretty sure it's something that's gonna interfere with your understanding of the value of your own life.

嗯，我

Well, I

认为这是个你可以问自己的问题，医生。

think it's a question you could ask yourself, Doctor.

比如皮利默，我在哪些方面对自己不诚实？或者在哪些方面对他人不诚实？

Pillimer, like, where am I not being honest with myself or where am I not being honest with other people?

正是如此。

Exactly.

这是你现在就可以运用的方法。

It's a way you can use right now.

所以这对人们来说，是极具可操作性的。

So it's something that for people, it's extremely actionable.

现在就问问自己：我正在做的事情是否处于诚实的边缘，甚至是我以后会后悔的？

Ask yourself right now, Is there something I'm doing that is on the borderline of honesty even that I will later regret?

我在书里说过：我们不是在讨论'这条裤子让我看起来胖吗'这种问题的答案。

Now, I say in the book, We aren't talking about the answer to the question, Do these pants make me look fat?

我是说，我们讨论的不是那种极端诚实到无法采取任何策略的状态，而是行动中体现的诚实与正直。

I mean, we aren't talking about some kind of radical honesty in which you can never be strategic, but it's more honesty and integrity in actions.

确实，我想说的是，现在可能感觉良好，但当你回顾人生时就不会这么觉得了。

And yeah, I would say, you know, like it might feel good now, and it's not gonna feel good as you review your life.

我认为这个问题还有更深层的应用——因为你知道，大多数人在做真正不诚实的事情时，除非被抓到或实在无法忍受，否则他们不会主动坦白。

Well, I think that there's an even deeper way to apply this because, you know, most people that are doing something really dishonest, until they either get caught or they just can't bear it anymore, they're not going to come clean.

当存在自我背叛和自欺欺人的情况时，我相信此刻正在聆听的你，确实有机会扪心自问：我是否诚实地面对了自己是否享受谋生职业这个事实？

There is a level of self betrayal and lying to self where I do believe there's an opportunity as you're listening or watching right now to truly ask yourself, am I being honest with myself about whether or not I'm enjoying what I do for a living?

我很喜欢你引用的那句话，有人总结得最好。

I love the quote that you said that, you know, somebody summed it up best.

我热爱我的事业，并以此谋生。

I loved what I did and I made money doing it.

把热爱的事业放在首位很重要，因为我生命中的大部分时间都在工作。

That loving what I did first was the priority because I spent so much time in my life at work.

所以对你而言，或许诚实面对自己意味着承认：你并不满意现状，你正在对自己的当前习惯进行某种自我欺骗，你实际上没有好好照顾自己。

And so maybe the honest thing for you is to admit to yourself that you're not enjoying where you are right now, that you're kind of gaslighting yourself about your current habits, that you're not actually taking care of yourself.

比如现在我需要诚实面对——如果我承认自己不快乐，或承认不想再用现在的方式度过下一个十年，我就必须做出改变。这正是八九十岁长者的智慧，即使你才20岁讨厌自己的专业也能应用。

Like that I need to be honest now because if I'm honest with myself that I'm not happy or honest with myself that I don't wanna live another decade doing life the way I'm doing it, I need to make some changes, that that right there is wisdom from an 80 or 90 year old that you can apply if you're eight you hate your major, you're 20.

知道吗，这就是诚实。

Know, that's Be honest.

千真万确。

It's absolutely true.

在选择伴侣时，同样需要对自己保持诚实。

And it's being honest with yourself too as you're thinking about a partner.

我是在自欺欺人吗？

Am I deceiving myself in this?

我是否并非真正拥有那种强烈的爱的感觉，而只是觉得时机到了？

Do I not really have that powerful in love feeling but I simply just feel it's time?

他们最有力的论据之一就是梅尔刚才说的话。

One of the strongest arguments they would make is what Mel just said.

如果你现在从事的工作无法带来成就感，主要是为了赚钱，请诚实地面对自己。

If you are in a job right now that is unfulfilling and you're doing it mostly for the money, really be honest with yourself.

通过这些研究我学到的是，每次听到学生说'我想当厨师，但准备先去金融服务业工作，以后再实现梦想'时，我都会感到不安。

I've learned after these studies to cringe every time one of my students says, I want to be a chef, but I'm going to go work in the financial services industry and then I'll do that later.

他们认为这种转变永远为时未晚，如果你正从事没有成就感的工作，真的、真的要考虑改变它。

They argue that it is always too late to make that kind of change, that if you are in a job that is unfulfilling, really, really think about changing it.

他们的原则是：如果早上起床去上班让你感到痛苦，而你却像梅尔说的那样继续坚持，那就是在欺骗自己。

Their rule was, if you don't feel good to get up in the morning and go to your job and you're staying in it exactly like Mel said, you're not being honest with yourself.

我认为这是最具影响力的事情之一。

And I would say that is to me one of the most impactful things.

他们强烈主张应该为工作的内在价值而非外在回报做出选择。

They really argue that you need to choose work for its intrinsic value, not for the extrinsic rewards.

正如我所说，老年人最了解的就是时间。

As I said, the one thing older people know about is time.

他们对年轻人使用时间的方式感到震惊。

And they're amazed at how younger people use time.

就像沙漠部落的人看到我们挥霍用水时的反应一样。

It's like a desert tribesperson would look at our profligate use of water.

他们就是无法理解这一点。

They just can't understand it.

所以与其冒险尝试其他可能，宁愿在一份毫无成就感的工作上耗费五年时光——显然你需要规划自己的人生，考虑什么是可行的。

So the idea of taking five years slogging in a job that is really unfulfilling rather than taking a risk for something else, obviously you have to plan out your own life and what's feasible.

但就你能够诚实地评估自己是否真的厌恶这份工作并尽快做出改变而言，他们会说这是刻不容缓的。

But to the extent it is possible for you to honestly assess if you really hate this job and make a change as soon as you can, they would say it's urgent.

这源自一代人的生命经验——你应该坚守一份工作，并终其一生从事它。

This is coming from a generation of people whose life experience was you stay in a job and you actually do that for your whole lifetime.

而我们现在的现实是，普通人一生中可能会经历——我不知道具体数字——至少19份不同的工作，直到职业生涯终结。

Whereas we now live in a reality where the average person is probably gonna have, I don't know, 19 different jobs by the time that, you know, your career is over at least.

而智慧的真谛依然是诚实地面对自己。

And the wisdom is still be honest with yourself.

不要将生命浪费在你不喜欢的工作上。

Do not waste your life toiling away at something you don't enjoy doing.

想办法做出改变。

Figure out how to make a change.

这是这项研究中最令人惊讶的发现之一。

It was one of the biggest surprises of the study.

我原以为经历过经济大萧条的那代人会说：找个稳定工作，尽可能多赚钱。

People from the depression era generation who I figured would say, Oh, find a stable job, make as much money as you can.

但没有任何一个人这样说。

Not a single person said that.

知道吗？

And you know what?

尤其令人动容的是那些年长女性的声音，她们当年未曾拥有如今年轻女性所享有的机会。

It was especially powerful from older women who had not had opportunities that younger women have today.

她们反复强调：我愿付出一切换取你们现在的机会。

Over and over they said, I would give anything for your opportunities.

好好把握这些机会。

Make use of them.

要知道，别在糟糕的工作中消磨自己。

You know, don't languish in a bad job.

总之，我认为这完全正确。

So anyway, I I think that's absolutely right.

这就引出了人们所说的过好生活的第二要素：对机遇说'是'。

Well, brings us to the second thing that people say that you need to do in order to live a good life, which is say yes to opportunities.

当面临新机遇或挑战时，人们往往不会因接受而后悔，却更可能因拒绝而遗憾。

When offered a new opportunity or challenge, you are much less likely to regret saying yes and more likely to regret turning it down.

确实。

Yeah.

这个洞见最初来自一位成功企业家，他直截了当地说：这就是我的经验之谈。

I got that in that first insight first came from a successful entrepreneur who just said, look, here's my lesson.

除非有充分理由拒绝，否则永远选择接受。

Unless you have a compelling reason to say no, always say yes.

当获得新职责或新机遇时——

If you're offered a new responsibility, offer a new opportunity.

总的原则应该是：这或许会让我离开舒适区，但我仍会选择接受。

In general, have your principle be, That may take me out of my comfort zone, but I'm going to say yes.

这听起来可能也像陈词滥调，但我告诉你，成千上万的人都这么对我说过。

This may also sound like a cliche, but I'm telling you that thousands of people told me this.

比起做过的事，你绝对更可能为那些没做的事感到后悔。

You absolutely are much more likely to regret things that you didn't do other than things you did.

你更可能回首那些本可以抓住却错过的机会。

You are more likely to look back on a missed opportunity that you could have done.

所以他们还会主张一点：对于不可逆的决定，你可以更谨慎些。

So, one thing they would also argue, you can be a little more cautious about decisions that are irreversible.

但在许多情况下，他们会说，你可以尝试一些不那么极端的改变。

But in many cases, they would say, you can experiment with a change that isn't so extreme.

所以要对新职业的初步尝试说'好'。

So say yes to the initial steps in a new career.

要对探索新事物说'好'。

Say yes to exploring something.

我想他们说——你在工作中肯定也见过——人会变得惰性，困在日复一日的循环里。

I think they say, and I'm sure you see it in your work, people become inert, that they become stuck one day blends into the next.

这就是为什么需要对自己诚实，审视生活时保持清醒和目的性。

And that's where this being honest with yourself, being present and intentional as you look at your life.

当然，只要可能，他们希望你说'好'而非'不'。

And absolutely, they want you to say yes rather than say no if you can.

所以如果你正犹豫某个决定、某个新机遇，我鼓励各位选择说'好'而不是'不'。

So if you're wondering about some decision, some new opportunity, I would encourage you folks to say yes rather than no.

八九十岁乃至百岁老人常说的另一个长寿秘诀是...

Another thing that 80, 90, 100 year olds say is the secret to a good life.

多去旅行。

Travel more.

趁还能走的时候多旅行。

Travel while you can.

必要时牺牲其他事情也要去旅行。

Sacrificing other things if necessary to do so.

大多数人回首往事时，无论大小旅行经历都是人生亮点，他们后悔当初没有走更多地方。

Most people look back on their travel adventures, both big and small, as highlights of their lives, and they regret not having traveled more.

有时看似非常具体的智慧箴言却能照亮更大的问题。

There are times when what sounds like a very specific piece of wisdom sheds light on bigger issues.

最有趣的是很多高龄老人年轻时都没怎么旅行过。

So the most interesting thing is a lot of very old people hadn't traveled very much when they were younger.

我在纽约罗切斯特采访过一位93岁的修女，她所谓的冒险就是全家离开波兰移民区去德国移民区吃顿饭。

I interviewed a 93 year old nun in Rochester, New York whose idea of adventure was her family would leave the Polish enclave and go to the German enclave for dinner.

还有在德克萨斯东部采访的人，直到二战或朝鲜战争前都没出过自己所在的县。

Or I interviewed people in East Texas who until World War II or Korea had never been outside of their own county.

所以，他们深知足不出户的滋味。

So, they knew what it was like not to go anywhere.

也因此他们无比珍视旅行机会。

And they valued travel incredibly.

有位女士对我说：'如果要在厨房装修和旅行之间选择，我说选旅行。'

I had one woman say to me, If you've got a choice between a kitchen remodel or a trip, I say, Take the trip.

这确实是我们婚姻中必须解决的问题，不过现在我们确实选择了旅行而非厨房装修。

I would say that was something we had to resolve in my own marriage, but I think we now do take the trip rather than the kitchen remodel.

但关键在于，它不必非得是冒险旅行。

But the idea there is it didn't have to be adventure travel.

可以是任何能让你脱离日常轨迹的事情。

It could be anything but something that takes you out of your normal daily route.

那些年轻时无法经常旅行的人认为这对年轻人至关重要，部分原因是它象征着一种开放、接纳和冒险的态度。

So people who were unable to travel much when they were young think that this is a critical thing for young people in part because it symbolizes an attitude of openness and receptivity and adventure.

我们通常认为老年人比年轻人更保守，但在人生选择上，他们往往更为激进。

We think of older people as being more conservative than younger people, but in terms of what you should do with your life, they're generally radical.

他们反复强调：不要虚度生命。

It was over and over, Don't waste your life.

但一位女士告诉我：你在地球上的时间只有短短几年。

But one woman told me, You have only a few years here on Earth.

你必须尽可能充实它。

You have to cram as much into it as you can.

不要把这些视为理所当然。

Don't take for granted these things.

而旅行正是这种象征。

And travel is that symbol.

它象征着去做那些他们曾经无法做到、后来才发现却为时已晚的事情。

It's a symbol for doing things that they were unable to do and discovered later in life and felt that it was too late.

所以我会从这个角度来理解。

So so I I would think of it that way.

我觉得这是个很有意思的见解。

I thought it was an interesting insight.

嗯，我也很喜欢你在说大小之分，因为这些是你能记住的事情。

Well, I also love that you're saying big and small because these are the things you can remember.

而我小时候记得最清楚的，是我们全家租了一辆房车，去游览美国多个国家公园的那个夏天。

And I, as a kid, remember like actually the one summer I remember was the summer that we rented a motor home and went on a tour of a bunch of The US national parks as a family.

我对那段记忆清晰如昨，那是我童年的高光时刻之一。

I remember that as clear as day, one of the highlights of my childhood.

那大概有两周时间。

It was probably a two week period.

不是什么豪华旅行。

It wasn't some big fancy trip.

我还记得那些离家仅一小时车程的钓鱼之旅。

I also remember the fishing trips that we would take that were just an hour from the house.

所以我非常感激这个提醒。

And so I love that reminder.

塞进去吧。

Cram it in.

医生。

Doctor.

皮利默，感谢你不只是告诉我们这些大家可能都知道的道理，更要谢谢你提供了实用的实践方法。

Pillimer, thank you for not only telling us the stuff that I think we all kinda know, but thank you for giving us practical ways we can apply it.

你清楚地向我们展示了可以做出的改变，让我们能过上美好生活。

You are clearly showing us changes that we can make so that we can live a good life.

最棒的是，你还远没有说完呢。

And here's the cool part, you're not even close to done yet.

所以我想按下暂停键。

And so I wanna just hit the pause button.

我想给你一个机会，与你关心的人分享这些。

I wanna give you a chance to share this with people that you care about.

我正在与我的儿子奥克利、女儿索耶和肯德尔分享这些。

I'm sharing this with my son Oakley, my daughter Sawyer, my daughter Kendall.

我也在与我父母和兄弟分享这些。

I'm sharing this with both of my parents, my brother.

你爱的每个人都值得拥有这些人生的经验。

Everybody that you love deserves these life lessons.

我认为当他们听完后，他们会感谢你的。

And I think when they listen, they're gonna thank you.

所以别走开。

So don't go anywhere.

我们回来后还会深入探讨更多内容。

There is so much more that we're gonna dig into when we return.

请继续关注我们。

So stay with us.

欢迎回来。

Welcome back.

我是你们的朋友梅尔·罗宾斯。

It's your buddy, Mel Robbins.

今天，你和我将乘坐时光机。

Today, you and I are in the time machine.

我们正迈向未来。

We are headed to the future.

我们正在向80岁、90岁甚至百岁老人学习，了解他们希望在你们这个年纪时能改变的事情。

We are learning from 80, 90, and even 100 year old folks about the things that they wish they could have changed at the age that you are now.

医生。

Doctor.

康奈尔大学的卡尔·皮尔默在此，我还有很多问题想请教您。

Carl Pillimer is here from Cornell University, and there's so many things I wanna ask you still.

80岁、90岁和百岁老人们提到的另一个幸福生活的关键。

Another thing that 80, 90, and 100 year olds say is the key to a good life.

极其谨慎地选择伴侣。

Choose a mate with extreme care.

关键在于不要仓促决定，要花足够时间去了解潜在伴侣，并判断你们长期的契合度。

The key is not to rush the decision, taking all the time needed to get to know the prospective partner and to determine your compatibility over the long term.

我听说选择人生伴侣是你将做出的最重要的决定。

I've heard that choosing your life partner is the single most important decision you will make.

我认为确实如此。

I believe it is.

必须记住，尽管时代变迁，但二十年来——甚至简·奥斯汀时代以来——调查显示，大多数年轻人仍渴望结婚、计划结婚，并将白头偕老视为婚姻的核心价值。

Most people, we have to remember, despite our times right now, one thing that hasn't changed in twenty years and since Jane Austen's time, still if you look at surveys, most young people want to get married, most young people plan to get married, and most young people have as a value in that marriage being married for a lifetime.

因此，尽管人们结婚更晚、先同居，但对人生伴侣的核心渴望始终未变。

So, those values, even though people are doing it later, they're living together first, the core desire to have a life partner is still there.

所以我要澄清这点，因为并非人们不再重视婚姻了。

So, I want to clarify that because it's not like nobody cares about this anymore.

我是说，这确实是许多人要做的最重要决定，因为你可以改变职业。

I mean, this really is the most important decision that a lot of people make because you can change your career.

所以，他们认为年轻人不够谨慎。

So, yeah, they believe that younger people aren't careful enough.

他们观察自己的孩子。

They observe their own children.

人们到了某个年龄就该结婚了，诸如此类的事情。

People get to a certain age and it's time to get married and that sort of thing.

他们对选择伴侣有些我认为很有用的规则。

And they have certain rules for choosing a mate that I think are useful.

其中一条我已经提过，就是可以听取爱你的人对你未来伴侣的印象。

One I have mentioned already, that it's okay to listen to the impressions of people who love you about your future mate.

你绝对应该谨慎选择。

You should absolutely choose carefully.

他们主张你必须确保...这很有趣。

They argue that you should make sure that you have It's very interesting.

他们都谈到直觉感受，那些违背直觉认为这是正确选择的人后来都后悔了。

They all talk about a gut feeling so that people who violated that gut feeling that this was the right thing regretted it.

但有个听起来可能有点争议的建议，却是他们关于慎重择偶最有力的忠告：我们可能认为异性相吸，但实际上物以类聚。

But one thing that may sound a little controversial, but was their strongest piece of advice in mischoosing a mate carefully, is we may like to think that opposites attract, but they really go with birds of a feather flock together.

他们主张你应该和...你猜怎么着？的人结婚

They argue that you should marry somebody you know what?

虽然我们知道这可能意味着长期伴侣关系，但我还是要说结婚。

I'll say marry even though we know that this could mean a long term partnership.

但为了不必每次都那么说，我就直接说结婚吧。

But just to make it so I don't have to say that every time, I'll say marry.

找一个和你很像的人结婚，一个本质上与你非常相似的人。

Marry someone who's a lot like you, who is fundamentally very similar to you.

这个观点是有依据的，是社会关系研究中最为确凿的发现之一。

So the idea is this is a fact, one of the strongest facts from research on social relationships of all kinds.

无论幸或不幸，我们就是喜欢与自己相似的人。

Unfortunately or fortunately, we like people who are similar to us.

比如你会发现，刚有孩子不久，你的社交圈很快就会被其他有孩子的人占据，因为你会自然而然地靠近他们。

For example, you'll notice that when you first have a child, pretty soon your social network consists only of other people who have children because you gravitate towards them.

于是你的朋友圈就只剩下同样有孩子的人，其他人逐渐淡出。

And so your friendship network consists of people who also have children and your other folks drop out.

这只是其中一个例子。

That's just one example.

比起与迥异的人相处，我们更愿意待在本质相似的人身边。

We like to be around people who are fundamentally similar to us more than we like to be around people who are very different.

最重要的是价值观相近的人。

And most important is people who share similar values.

所以我认为这就是'慎重选择'的含义之一。

So, I think that's one of the things they mean about choose carefully.

你必须超越外在吸引力的层面。

You have to go beyond attraction.

'慎重选择'的另一个特点是：没有人愿意失去激情。

Another feature of choose carefully is that nobody wants to lose passion.

他们说，在感情关系中，你必须培养友谊的特质。

Your relationship, they say, you have to nurture qualities of friendship.

我要给出一个非常具体的建议。

And I'm going to give one very specific piece of advice.

那些长久婚姻中的人会提供这个建议，我想直接告诉你们的听众。

People who are in long marriages offer this piece of advice, and I want to offer it directly to your listeners.

接纳伴侣的兴趣爱好。

Embrace your partner's interests.

所以，与其因为她周日打高尔夫而生气，不如学着去打高尔夫。

So, rather than being angry that she's playing golf on Sunday, learn to play golf.

与其抱怨，比如我可以用我女儿举例，你丈夫喜欢玩梦幻橄榄球。

Rather than learning, and I can use my own daughter as an example, that one of the things your husband loves is fantasy football.

与其为此生气，不如加入梦幻橄榄球联盟。

Rather than being angry about that, join the fantasy football league.

很多我称为'倔老头'的老年人告诉我，歌剧。

I had many older people say, people I call in the book tough old guys, opera.

我从没想过会去看歌剧，但我决定既然妻子喜欢，我就去尝试。

I never thought I'd go to opera, but I just decided my wife likes that, and I'm gonna do it.

很多关系中，人们开始采取实际行动来化解因一方有特定兴趣而另一方觉得荒谬所积累的愤怒。

People started to do the practical step in so many relationships of the anger that mounts because a person has a specific interest and the partner thinks it's ridiculous.

我在采访不同种族和族裔的老年人时发现的一个现象。

So here's one of the things that people I interview older people across the racial and ethnic spectrum.

他们中许多人给出的一个建议是：选择伴侣时，观察对方玩游戏时的表现。

And one piece of advice that came through from many of them is when you're choosing a mate, watch how your prospective partner plays games.

所以我采访了，你是说

So I interviewed What do

什么意思？

mean by that?

比如纸牌、篮球还是所有的

Like cards or basketball or all

这些？

of it?

当你们实际在玩游戏时，比如当他们进行休闲活动，比如玩游戏的时候。

When you're actually playing a game like, when they're doing, like, a leisure activity, like playing a game.

具体来说，我采访的一位来自多米尼加共和国的受访者说，如果你去许多社交俱乐部或任何有多米尼加人聚集的地方，你会看到人们在玩多米诺骨牌。

And so to make it concrete, one of my interviewees who was Dominican from the Dominican Republic, if you go to many social clubs or anywhere where there are lots of Dominicans, you will see people playing dominoes.

而且

And

他们玩多米诺骨牌时非常激烈。

they play very cutthroat dominoes.

她说，我观察了我感兴趣的那个男人。

And she said, I observed the guy I was interested in.

我看到他很有竞争意识，但输得起。

I saw he was competitive, but he was a gracious loser.

还有人说，在一家华人老年中心，我看着我的未来妻子打麻将，可以看出她如何与他人相处。

There was someone else who said, in a Chinese senior center, I watched my future wife play mahjong, and I could see how she related to the other people.

另一个人说，我试着和我感兴趣的男人玩某种致敬游戏，结果他把棋盘掀到空中，怒气冲冲地离开了房间。

And somebody else said, I tried to play something like a tribute to some game with my guy I was interested in, and he threw the board up in the air and stormed out of the room.

所以观察伴侣的行为方式，作为一个研究者，这是其中一个具体事例。

So watching how your partner operates, again, being the researcher, that was one concrete thing.

我铭记在心的另一条建议是，如果你们频繁发生严重争执，你会发现争吵是有模式的。

The other piece of advice I took to heart is if you're having a lot of serious arguments, you find there's a pattern to arguments.

与其寻求心理治疗，解决方法可能只是一个三明治。

Rather than therapy, the cure might be a sandwich.

因为我和妻子旅行时常常忘记吃饭，我们的争吵——比如谁选错了酒店或为什么在博物馆关门后才到——会异常激烈，直到意识到我们只是饿了。

Because my wife and I, though, would be traveling and we'd forget to eat, and our argument, like who chose the bad hotel or why we got there after the museum closed, would be unbelievably intense until we realized that we were hungry.

关于这方面有很好的研究表明，饥饿时不应该争吵。

And there's good research on this mouth showing that you should not argue when you're hungry.

所以长辈们传授的一个小智慧是：当争执陷入僵局时，先吃点东西再看情况。

And so one of the things the elders said, like one of their little lessons, is if you're having an intractable argument, get something to eat and see what happens.

我太喜欢这个建议了。

I love that advice.

现在我意识到一件事。

And here's what I'm realizing.

我嘴巴微张是因为正在消化你说的话。

My mouth is kind of open because I'm now processing what you're saying.

我丈夫和孩子经常这样提醒我，因为我总是过于专注手头的事。

My husband and my kids do that with me because I will get so lost in what I'm doing.

然后不知不觉间，我就会为些愚蠢小事拌嘴，结果显得我像个混蛋。

And then next thing you know, I'm bickering about something just so stupid, and I'm the I'm the jerk.

对吧？

Right?

我家人总会有人问：你上次吃饭是什么时候？

And somebody in my family will go, when's the last time you ate?

果然，已经是五六个小时前的事了。

And sure enough, five or six hours ago.

试试看，当你激烈争吵时，来杯茶配块饼干。

Try it out, a cup of tea and a biscuit if you're having a terrible argument.

所以这是他们的关键建议之一。

So that was one of their key points.

哇。

Wow.

我喜欢这个建议。

Love that.

是啊。

Yeah.

我觉得这是个好方法。

I think it's a good one.

确实是个好方法。

Think it's a good one.

嗯，还有一条建议我觉得能很好地总结这个领域，如果可以的话我想分享一下。

Well, know, another there's one piece of advice I think that really sums up a little bit too of this whole area, if I could share it.

所以有时候陈词滥调远不止是陈词滥调。

So sometimes a cliche is way more than a cliche.

有些谚语或表达即使被频繁使用，仍具有真正的力量。

So sometimes a saying or an expression has this real power, even though it's been used a lot.

当我向年长者请教长久婚姻的秘诀时，你能猜到我最常听到的一个建议是什么。

And when I asked older people for their advice for a long marriage, you can imagine one thing I heard.

我相信你的听众也能猜到。

I'm sure your listeners can.

不要带着

Don't go

怒气上床睡觉。

to bed angry.

所以，我真的很想深入剖析这个建议。

So, I really wanted to unpack that.

这句话到底意味着什么？

What did that mean?

为什么这条建议对八九十岁以上的老人如此关键？

Why was that so critical when you were in your 80s and 90s beyond?

为什么这是你想传授给年轻夫妇的经验之谈？

Why was that a piece of advice that you wanted to offer younger couples?

为什么它如此重要？

Why was it so important?

其中一个洞见来自漫长的人生阅历。

And one insight was from long experience.

事实上，如果争吵延续到第二天，问题只会更严重，你们真的应该及时解决。

Really, if an argument carries over to another day, it's just more of a problem and you should really be dealing with it.

但这同时也与生命的短暂性有关——他们意识到任何夜晚都可能是最后一夜，所以必须提前化解矛盾。

But it also has to do with the sense of the shortness of life because they realize that any night could be the last night, so you need to resolve things beforehand.

作为年轻人，你现在不必这么想。

Now you don't need to think that as a young person.

他们强烈认为，持续一两天以上的怨恨很能说明问题。

They really felt very strongly that a grudge that continues for more than a day or two is very diagnostic.

你知道，这确实需要引起注意。

You know, it really calls for attention.

以及他们对这些关系脆弱性的感知。

And that their sense of the fragility of these relationships.

所以我觉得这也很耐人寻味。

So I thought that was interesting too.

嗯，我也认为如果你带着怒气入睡，然后经历那种冷战般的日子，你们解决问题的可能性就会越来越低。

Well, I also think that if you go to bed angry and then you have one of those sort of cold standoff days, it gets less and less likely that you're gonna address it.

是啊。

Yeah.

然后争论的根源——因为你们争吵的从来不是表面问题，而是某种更深层的感受——就始终得不到解决。

And then the thing that was the source of the argument, because it's never the thing you're arguing about, it's some deeper feeling, goes unaddressed.

没错。

Yeah.

相反，如果你强迫自己向对方靠近，直面真正困扰你的事情，那么你们的关系就开始能够触及更深层的话题。

Whereas if you force yourself to lean toward the person and lean into what's really upsetting you, then you now are starting in your relationship to just be willing to talk about the deeper thing.

根据我29年婚姻的经验，十有八九只要对深层问题保持好奇，愿意道歉而不是带着怨恨或怒气入睡，就能释放压力阀门，更快解决问题，并让你基本了解伴侣和你自己在情感上的触发点和地雷区。

And that's almost nine times out of 10, at least I find in my marriage of twenty nine years, that just being curious about the deeper thing, being willing to apologize without going to bed holding the grudge while you sleep or being pissed off while you sleep, it releases that pressure valve and it allows you to kinda resolve this thing quicker, and it gives you a baseline understanding of where those sort of trigger points and landmines are emotionally for your partner and yourself.

我完全同意。

I totally agree.

而且这就像是一种调解。

And it also it's like a mediation.

你知道，你设定了最后期限。

You know, you set a deadline.

所以，它给了你一个期限，在这个期限内，是的，你必须道歉或表达理解。

And so, you know, like, it gives you a deadline by which, yes, you have to apologize or express understanding.

是啊。

Yeah.

因为有时候，你知道，走出房间确实很有帮助。

Because you might want you know, it it is helpful helpful at at times times to to step step outside outside the the room.

房间。

Room.

我要走出房间一小时冷静一下。

I'm I'm gonna gonna take a step outside the room for an hour and cool off.

我要去吃个三明治，这样我就不会生你的气了。

I'm gonna go eat a sandwich so I'm not angry with you.

但如果是给自己或伴侣设定的期限，我们不会带着怒气上床睡觉。

But if the deadline is with yourself personally or and with your partner, I we don't go to bed angry.

对。

Yeah.

我们实际上会讨论发生的事情，分析它，并在睡前为我们需要道歉的事情道歉。

We actually discuss what happened and unpack it and apologize for what we need to before we go to bed.

这是非常实用且有益的建议。

That's really helpful practical advice.

还有一点，那些八九十岁乃至百岁老人所说的美好生活的秘诀。

And another thing that people in their 80, nineties, and 100 say is the secret to a good life.

现在就表达出来。

Say it now.

人们最终会因未能及时表达而说出'本可以'这样遗憾的话。

People wind up saying the sad words it might have been by failing to express themselves before it's too late.

别信那些通灵者的鬼话。

Don't believe the ghost whisperers.

你能分享内心最深感受的唯一时机，就是当人们还活着的时候。

The only time you can share your deepest feelings is while people are still alive.

这是最深刻的遗憾之一。

This was one of the most profound regrets.

人们反复说：'我多希望能更多地表达爱'。

Over and over, people said, I wish I had expressed love more.

我多希望能请求原谅。

I wish I had asked for forgiveness.

因为这确实是具有时效性的事情。

Because that is a truly time limited possibility.

除非你相信通灵术，否则最终都会错过请求宽恕、解释或道歉的时机。

Unless you believe in seances, it's going to be too late eventually to ask forgiveness, to offer an explanation, to offer an apology.

你知道还有什么有时也会来不及吗？

You know what else it's too late for sometimes?

询问信息。

Asking for information.

你可能非常想知道你父亲在越南做了什么之类的事，但等到你想知道时可能已经太晚了。

You may desperately want to know what your father did in Vietnam or something like that, and it will be too late even to find out things.

所以我认为，如果你正在考虑现在说些什么，这对听众来说是非常具有行动指导意义的。

So I would argue that that is a very actionable thing for listeners if you are pondering saying something now.

如果你心里有事，如果你在犹豫是否要做那些事，就用五秒法则。

If you have something on your mind, if you're wondering about whether to do any of those things, use the five second rule.

如果我能插句话，我会说直接去做吧。

If I can bring that in, I would say just do it.

真的直接去做吧。

Really just do it.

我在研究亲情疏离时发现，很多人一直在等待、等待、再等待——他们本打算给十年未联系的兄弟打电话。

One of the things I found in the estrangement work is how often people who had been waiting and waiting and waiting, they were going to call the brother, they hadn't talked for ten years.

不止一个人将其形容为一直背负着的沉重背包。

More than one person described it as a backpack they'd been wearing, this very heavy backpack.

有位男士说：'是啊，第二天醒来时我突然意识到，我再也不用纠结为什么不再和兄弟艾德说话了'。

One man said, Yeah, you know, I woke up the next morning and realized I don't have to think about why I don't talk to my brother Ed anymore.

所以及时表达对你有益，但我会...

So that saying things now is beneficial for you, but I would

说这个比喻突然浮现。

say that cropped up.

意思是当你等待合适时机开口时，你正背负着沉重的心理负担。

Meaning when you're waiting for the right time to say something, you are wearing a weighted backpack.

是的。

Yeah.

而你一直背负着它。

And you're carrying it around.

就在你54321倒数结束的那一刻——无论是拿起电话、驱车前往还是提笔写信，只要说出你该说的话，你就能卸下背包，从等待'完美时机'的情感重负中解脱。

And the second that you, 54321, pick up the phone or drive over to their house or write the letter, say what you need to say, you take the backpack off and you free yourself of the emotional weight of waiting for the right time.

这种自由此刻就触手可及。

And that freedom is available to you literally right now.

听完这段话后，你马上就可以打电话或写信。

When you're done listening to this, you could pick up the phone or write the letter.

真的，现在就能做到。

Like, it's available right now.

梅尔，我甚至不会建议人们去思考'是否有该说而未说的话'这种问题。

Mel, I wouldn't even suggest that people think, is there something I should be saying that I'm not?

比如很多父母不夸奖孩子，因为他们觉得孩子都懂。

So, for example, I know parents don't wear their kids because parents think their kids know it.

他们不会看着孩子的眼睛说：'你成长得这么出色，我真的很骄傲'。

Don't look their kid in the eye and say, I'm just really proud of how you've turned out.

'虽然我们有过矛盾，但你的成就真的了不起，我希望你知道这一点'。

I just want you to know that we've had our issues, but what you've done is really remarkable.

我有位敬爱的大学教授临近生命终点时，我几乎不假思索地就做了个五分钟决定。

I had a beloved college professor who was nearing the end of her life, and I didn't think about it, but I sort of five seconded fine.

我说：'我刚好在附近'。

I said, I'm just nearby.

我要去见她。

I'm going to go see her.

在她生命尽头前，表达对我职业发展帮助的感激之情。

And the feeling before the end of her life of expressing the gratitude for advancing my career.

我认为这是个极好的练习。

I think it's an excellent exercise.

我现在没说什么话，如果为时已晚，我会真正后悔？

What am I not saying right now that if it were too late, I would really regret?

你不能假设人们理解你有多爱他们、多在乎他们、多为他们骄傲。

You can't assume that people understand how much you love them, how much you care about them, how proud you are of them.

不必是负面的事情或宽恕。

It doesn't have to be negative things or forgiveness.

但我们常常不这么做。

But we often don't.

这就是我早先说的。

It's what I said early on.

你要把这些时刻视为珍贵而非例行公事，因为我们的关系会变得例行化。

You treat these moments as precious rather than routine because our relationships get routine.

我认为这是个极好的建议：你现在可能没说什么需要说的话？

I think that's an excellent piece of advice, is what might you not be saying that needs to be said now?

你写到的另一件事，在第194页，是另一个建议：对自己犯过的错误和糟糕选择要宽容些。

One of the other things that you write about, this is on page one ninety four, is another piece of advice, which is go easy on yourself regarding mistakes and bad choices you have made.

关于自我接纳的这门课，许多八九十岁甚至百岁老人都希望自己年轻时就能学会。

And there is this lesson around self acceptance that so many people in their eighties, nineties, their one hundreds wish they had learned when they were way younger.

你研究中有人这样说：我从所犯错误中学到的是，你无法改变过去发生的事情。

And this is what one person in your study said, What I've learned from the mistakes that I've made is that you can't change what's happened in the past.

你必须接受自己的全部，包括缺点。

You have to accept yourself warts and all.

这对我来说很难，因为我成长的环境告诉我，只要不断努力，你就能做好一切，变得完美。

That was hard for me because I came out of a background that was telling me if you just keep trying harder, you really could do it all right and be perfect.

我花了一些时间才接受事实：事情不会那样发展。

It took me some time to accept the fact that it's not gonna work out that way.

而且事情不那样发展也没关系。

And it's okay that it doesn't work out that way.

一旦做出决定或开始某个方向，回头反复质疑不会让你取得任何进展。

Once a decision is made or a direction is started, you don't get anywhere by looking back and second guessing.

就像多年前有人教导我的：如果你已经买了一双鞋，就别再盯着隔壁橱窗里的鞋子看了。

And as somebody taught me years ago, if you've bought a pair of shoes, don't look at the shoes in the next store window.

这些80、90、100岁的长者是否提供了任何战术性或实用建议，关于如何开始学习更接纳自己，对自己犯过的错误或希望改变的决定更宽容？

Did these 80, 90, and 100 year olds have any tactical or practical advice on how to start learning how to be more self accepting and kinder of yourself for the mistakes you've made or the decisions that you wish you could change?

有的。

Yes.

我很喜欢那个'橱窗里的鞋子'的比喻。

And I love that shoes in the store window metaphor.

好。

K.

我认为这确实是个关键概念：如果我们不断比较自己本可以做到的事，这可能会造成非常危险和有害的影响。

I mean, I think that that really is the concept that if we're constantly comparing ourselves to what we could have done, it is a really dangerous and damaging possible thing.

我想说，如果你正在听，可以做的一件事就是反思这一点。

I would say one thing you could do, if you're listening in here, is you could reflect on this.

我是否在做某些特定的决定？

Am I making certain kinds of decisions?

或者我总爱事后质疑自己？

Or do I tend to second guess myself?

是否有些事情我现在反复纠结，其实放手不管反而更好？

Is there something I'm second guessing right now that would be better just to let go or just to leave it alone?

所以你可以分析自己何时在强化这种悔恨情绪。

So you can analyze yourself where you're doing this kind of emphasizing your own regrets.

第一点就是保持觉察。

So one thing is just awareness.

你完全可以看清现状后选择释怀。

And you can definitely look at what's going on and you can let it go.

另外你要意识到，我们的文化正在把你推向完美主义。

Another thing you can do is become aware that you're being pushed towards a kind of perfectionism by our culture.

当你看到所谓网红展示他们完美的冰箱、卧室、身材和脸蛋时，这种趋势就会愈演愈烈。

And the more you are watching so called influencers showing you their perfect refrigerator, their bedroom, their perfect body, their perfect face, you are going to be pushed towards perfectionism.

你可以给自己打预防针来抵抗这种影响。

You can inoculate yourself against that.

但最终你需要练习自我关怀。

But finally, you need to practice self compassion.

你要真正明白自己不可能做到完美，并培养这种自我关怀与自我宽恕。

You need to actually begin to understand that you're not going to express perfection and have this kind of a self compassion and self forgiveness.

所以我认为首要之事绝对是保持觉察。

So I think a number one thing is definitely being aware of it.

我想分享一条长者的智慧，这一点非常关键。

I will give one piece of elder wisdom, I think, which is really critical about this.

它也适用于其他事情。

It applies to other things.

但我会总结为：你在自我批评，为可能做过的事担忧，比如想着买的那双鞋，这其实是在采取长远视角。

But I would sum it up as you're criticizing yourself, worrying about things you might have done, kind of thinking about this pair of shoes you bought, is really taking the long view.

询问'当我80岁时还会在意这件事吗？'是有其内在逻辑的。

There is a certain logic to asking, Will I really care about this when I'm 80?

但就我正在担忧的这件事而言，要以长者的视角回望自己的人生。

But this particular thing I'm worrying about myself, taking that view as if you were one of the elders looking back on your life.

人们常常因为错失机会或犯错而当下自我折磨。

So people tend to torture themselves in the moment about missed opportunities or mistakes.

但用长远眼光看：这件事在更长时间跨度里真的重要吗？

But by taking the long view, will this really matter over the longest period of time?

我认为这样能获得某种程度的平静。

I think that you can get a certain amount of peace with it.

所以我想说这些就是相关长者智慧的精髓。

So I would say those are kind of the essence of elder wisdom on that.

关于这种遗憾的另一要点是：要聚焦于从中获得的教训，而非纠结于它有多糟糕或你的过失，这样才能重新诠释它。

The other thing about this kind of regret is one thing is to focus on what you learned from it rather than on how bad it was or whatever you did or failed about it so you can reframe it.

你可以将其转化为'这是我学到的经验'，而非'我是如何搞砸的'。

You can shift it to to here's what I learned from it rather than here's how I mess things up.

我从你工作中领悟到的重要一点，就是你称之为'学会无论如何都要快乐'的这个概念。

One of the big things that I learned from your work is this concept that you call learning how to be happy in spite of.

我想给你读一读第208页的内容。

And I wanna read to you from page two zero eight.

生活中会有很多不如意的事情发生在你身上。

Lots of unpleasant things are going to happen to you in life.

当它们发生时，你有两种选择。

And when they do, you have two choices.

你可以郁郁寡欢自怨自艾，也可以勇敢面对继续生活。

You can mope and sulk and you can feel sorry for yourself, or you can put on a brave face and get on with your life.

我把这种态度称为'尽管...依然快乐'。

I have come to call this attitude happy in spite of.

这种观点与许多人的'只要...就快乐'形成鲜明对比。

This viewpoint contrasts with that of many people, which I'd call happy if only.

年轻人普遍持有的观点是：只要我...我就会快乐。

The dominant perspective among young people is, I'll be happy if only I.

只要我减肥成功，只要我找到伴侣，只要我离婚，只要我找到新对象，只要我恢复健康，只要我变得富有，如此种种。

If only I lose the weight, if only I find a partner, if only I get divorced, if only I find a different mate, if only I get healthy, get rich, and on and on.

专家们（指那些80多岁、90多岁甚至百岁老人）认为，这种'只要...就快乐'的态度是徒劳的，只会带来失望。

The experts believe, meaning people in their 80s, 90s, and even 100, that happy if only attitude is futile and leads to disappointment.

这件事之所以对我的人生产生巨大改变，是因为我突然意识到：我们太容易把快乐寄托在等待上了。

And one of the reasons why this is something that has been a huge change in my life is that it's occurred to me that it's so easy to be waiting around for happiness.

我们太容易对现状感到失望。

It's so easy to be disappointed with where you are.

我们太容易无缘无故地带着坏心情醒来。

It's so easy to wake up and be in a bad mood for no reason at all.

这是一种你可以学习的技能，我现在就在练习——无论发生什么都要快乐，无缘无故地快乐。

That it's a skill that you can learn that I practice now to be happy in spite of everything that's going on, to be happy for no reason at all.

我很想让你剖析一下这个选择：如果你能接纳这种态度，你就能选择如何保持良好心态和情绪，不沉溺于期望或失望，也不养成不快乐的习惯——这有多重要，它能如何改变你的人生。

And I'd love to have you unpack this choice that you have, that if you could embrace this attitude, that you can choose how to have a good attitude and be in a good mood and not dwell on your expectations or disappointment or make it a habit to be unhappy, how important this is and how much it changes your life.

是啊。

Yeah.

这里你触及了一个智慧核心，某种程度上这是老年人独有的智慧。

And here's here's where you get to a core of wisdom that is in some ways unique to older people.

所以某种程度上，这个洞见让我觉得这个项目很有价值——因为你可以说'选择快乐'，而别人完全可以反驳说'这只是陈词滥调'。

So in some ways, that insight to me justified the project because you can say choose to be happy, and someone can very reasonably say back to you, Well, that's just a platitude.

对此你怎么看？

What about that?

但当你活到70岁以后——几乎每个人（身体改造也解决不了这个问题）都背负着慢性疾病的负担，有时甚至是致残的慢性病。

But when you get to be 70 and beyond, just about everybody and no body hacking is not going to fix this just about everybody bears some burden of chronic disease and sometimes crippling chronic disease.

而且几乎每个人都经历过失去。

And just about everybody has experienced loss.

你肯定已经失去了父母。

You've certainly lost your parents.

你可能失去了兄弟姐妹。

You may have lost siblings.

你可能失去了伴侣。

You may have lost your partner.

所以，这是一群经历过许多年轻人所担忧之事的人。

So, a whole group of people who have experienced many of the things that young people worry about.

其次，我们从数百项研究中发现一个有趣的现象：平均而言，老年人比年轻人更快乐。

Second, we have a fascinating finding from hundreds of studies that on average, older people are happier than younger people.

如果你在调查中提问：'如果用1到10分评价，你有多快乐？'

So, if you ask a survey item like, How happy are you on a scale of one to 10?

'过去五年是你人生中最美好的时光吗？'

Have the past five years been some of the best of your life?

60岁以上，尤其是65岁以上的人群比年轻人更幸福。

People over 60, especially over 65, are happier than younger people.

这就是我们掌握的两个关键发现。

So, you've got those two things.

为什么那些经历着多重丧失和负面生活事件的人，仍然能比年轻人更快乐？

How can people who are experiencing an accumulation of loss and negative life events still be happier than younger people are?

这种现象是如何产生的？

How would that occur?

我们的研究与其他研究共同证实：这是一种主动选择快乐的能力——并非因为万事如意，而是在现有境遇中依然选择快乐。

And one of the things that we found and supported by other research is this conscious choice to be happy, not because of all circumstances aligning perfectly, but choosing to be happy given the current circumstances in which you now exist.

他们运用的各种技巧确实与心理学方法有相通之处，但这些是他们本土自创的方式。

And there are various techniques they employ which do map on to other ones that people do use in psychology, but these are their own indigenous ones.

他们会说，这包括早晨醒来就告诉自己：'我要让今天成为尽可能美好的一天'。

They would argue that it involves things like waking up and saying, I'm going to make this as good a day as it can be.

就像我的一位受访者说的，清晨醒来就告诉自己：'今天可以是个好日子'。

It's waking up and saying, as one of my interviewees did, basically, This can be a good day.

'我该如何让今天过得有意义？'

How can I make this count?

这确实需要有意识地避免对自身处境产生负面情绪，去关注生活中顺利的方面而非不如意之处。

And it does involve consciously trying avoid negative emotions about your situation, to look for what's working in my life rather than what isn't working in my life.

所以他们反复强调，我们是一群人——如果我能代表大家发言——我们是一群遭遇诸多不幸的人。

So, they would argue again and again, we're a group of people, if I could speak as one, we're a group of people that a lot of crap is happening to.

我的意思是，如果你要成为老年人，除非你能选择在逆境中保持快乐，否则你将永远无法快乐。

I mean, if you're going to be an old person, unless you can choose to be happy in spite of your circumstances, you're not never going to be happy.

每个老年人都会过得很悲惨。

Every single old person would be miserable.

因为如果你30岁就患上关节炎，朋友相继离世，种种不幸接踵而至，你只会感到痛苦和绝望。

Because if you at 30 got the level of arthritis and your friends are dying off and all these things are happening, you would just hate it and be miserable.

他们必须找到方法来应对这种处境。

They are obliged to find a way to get around this.

所以我认为，两千个老人向你怒吼的这个概念，这种洞见，是推动你朝这个方向前进的一种方式。

So that's why I think, again, this notion of 2,000 older people yelling at you, this one insight, is one way to get yourself moving in that direction.

想想这会给你的生活带来多大改变。

And just think of how much it would change your life.

是啊。

Yeah.

而且...年份并不重要。

And the the the it's not the year.

我很喜欢那句话：重要的不是你活了多久，而是你如何度过这些岁月。

I love that saying that it's not the years in your it's it's not the years in your life, it's the life in your years.

没错。

Right.

如果你能教会自己主动选择关注已拥有的东西，主动选择关注有效的事物，主动选择醒来并让今天成为美好的一天，仅仅因为你醒来了，这将对你的生活产生多么大的改变。

And if you could teach yourself to default toward choosing intentionally to look at what you do have, choosing intentionally to look at what is working, choosing intentionally to wake up and make today a good day simply because you woke up, what a difference that would make in your life.

你知道吗，我还想问你一件事，如果你不好好照顾自己，很可能活不到很老。

You know, one other thing I wanted to ask you is that, you likely aren't gonna make it to be very old if you're not taking care of yourself.

那么80岁、90岁和100岁的老人说什么是保持一生健康的秘诀呢？

So what do 80, 90, and 100 year olds say is the secret to staying healthy through life?

比如，他们希望自己早点做什么？

Like, what do they wish they had done earlier?

这是我在演讲中提到的一个观点，但人们最不愿意听这个。

This is one of the insights that when I give talks on this, that people want to hear the least.

所以当我告诉他们关于健康的长者智慧时，我能感觉到他们在捂耳朵不想听。

So I tell them elder wisdom about your health, I get this feeling of fingers and ears and I'm not listening.

但我认为他们有一个深刻的见解，我希望那些从事公共卫生宣传的人能够采纳。

But they had, I think, a profound insight that I wish people trying to do public health messaging would embrace.

我尝试在不同的场合论证这一点。

And I've tried to argue that in different venues.

年轻人考虑健康时——我想在座有些人说过或认识说过这话的人——我喜欢抽烟。

Young people, when they think about their health and I imagine some of you out there have said this or know people who said it I like smoking.

我喜欢吃垃圾食品。

I like eating junk food.

我喜欢不运动。

I like not exercising.

我不在乎我能活多久。

And I don't care how long I live.

我真的不在乎。

I really don't.

如果我如此享受这些事情，69岁离世而非78岁，又有什么关系呢？

If I enjoy these things so much, if I die at 69 rather than 78, who cares?

美国的长者们深知，你不会仅仅在69岁就离世。

What America's elders know is you will not just die at 69.

医学将让你在极度沉重的慢性疾病状态下存活一二十年。

Medical science is going to keep you alive in a state of incredibly burdensome chronic disease for one or two decades.

所以他们说你该担心的不是死亡。

So your worry isn't dying, they say.

别担心死亡。

Don't worry about dying.

要担心慢性病。

Worry about chronic illness.

我们现在从日益强大的研究中得知，你在三四十岁和五十岁时的行为可能比六七十岁时更重要。

And we know now from increasingly powerful research, what you do in your thirties and forties and fifties can be more important than what you do in your sixties and seventies.