快捷方式：飞蛾播客

欢迎收听飞蛾播客。

Welcome to the Moth Podcast.

我是丹·肯尼迪。

I'm Dan Kennedy.

很多时候，故事讲的是走弯路。

Many times stories are about taking the long way.

它们讲述的是当我们做出明知对自己有益却十分艰难的决定时，会发生什么。

They're about what happens when we make the difficult decision that we knew would be good for us, and we made it even though it was tough.

但当我们没有真正迎接挑战时，又会怎样呢？

But what about the times when we don't exactly rise to the challenge?

本周，有两个关于走捷径的故事。

This week, two stories about taking shortcuts.

首先，我们有劳伦斯·伍德现场讲述于芝加哥的飞蛾故事擂台，当晚的主题是帮派、小团体和人群。

First up, we have Lawrence Wood live at the Moth Story Slam in Chicago, where the theme of the night was gangs, clicks, and crowds.

以下是劳伦斯。

Here's Lawrence.

当我还是青少年时，我只读学校要求我读的东西。

When I was a teenager, I read only what I had to for school.

偶尔也有例外。

And there were rare exceptions.

九年级时，有一天放学后，我的英语老师把我叫到一旁，给了我一本叫《学习之树》的书，作者是戈登·帕克斯，他现在最出名的身份是1971年电影《沙夫》的导演。

In ninth grade, my English teacher took me aside after class one day and she gave me a book called The Learning Tree by Gordon Parks, who's best remembered now as the director of the 1971 movie Shaft.

这是一部不错的电影，这本书也很棒。

And, it's a good movie, it was a good book.

《学习之树》是戈登·帕克斯对自己20世纪30年代在南方腹地作为黑人成长经历的自述。

And The Learning Tree is his autobiographical account of growing up black in the Deep South in the nineteen thirties.

这本书在我学校被禁了，因为开头有一段短暂的性场景，虽然远没有达到我期待的露骨程度，但我还是喜欢这本书。

And it was banned in my school because of a brief sex scene at the beginning that was not nearly explicit enough for my taste, but but I liked the book.

但即便如此，它也没能激发起老师所期望的那种阅读热情。

But still, it didn't trigger a love of reading that my teacher hoped it would.

我依然只读那些不得不读的东西。

I still only read what I had to.

但那直到我高三时才发生改变，那时我选了一位英语老师的课，一开始我根本不喜欢她。

But that finally changed my senior year when I took an English class from a teacher who at first, I really didn't like at all.

她让我们读《简·爱》并写一篇读书报告。

She had us read and write a book report on Jane Eyre.

报告截止的前一晚，我赶工写出了初稿，在封面写上《简·爱》作为标题，因为这篇论文就是关于这本书的，然后交了上去。

And the night before the report was due, I banged out a first draft, and I typed Jane Eyre on the title page, because that's what the paper was about, and handed it in.

一周后，她把我的论文举起来说：这不是《简·爱》。

And a week later, she holds my paper up in the air and she says, this is not Jane Eyre.

这是一篇写得非常糟糕的《简·爱》分析。

This is a very poorly written analysis of Jane Eyre.

然后她说：D。

And then she said, D.

她把一本平装本给了我。

And she gave me the paperback.

但接着她开始布置更多当代作家的作品，我非常喜欢这些书，第一次真正明白了人们为什么为了乐趣而阅读。

But then she started assigning books by more contemporary authors that I really loved, and I finally understood for the first time why people read for pleasure.

从那时起，我开始不停地阅读。

And from that point on, I read constantly.

多年后，我加入了一个读书会。

And many years later, I joined a book group.

这个读书会里有一些学者，比如英语教授，他们对文学非常认真。

And this book group had some academics in it, English professors, people who took literature very seriously.

其中有一位名叫劳拉的女士，她在西北大学教英语，她连续两个月负责为我们选书。

And one of them was a woman named Laura, who taught English at Northwestern University, and she got to assign our book two months in a row.

她第一次选的书是唐娜·塔特的《秘密历史》，讲的是一群自命不凡的大学生杀死其中一人的故事，我简直讨厌透了。

And the first book she assigned was The Secret History by Donna Tartt, which is about this group of pretentious college students who kill one of their own, and I just hated it.

当我看到作者的照片时，我想：哦，这就是她推荐这本书的原因。

And when I looked at the author photo, I thought, oh, this is why she, recommended it.

作者长得和她一模一样。

The author looked just like her.

这本书又长又无聊，而且只有一个人死了，我真希望所有人都死掉。

And and it was long and boring and and only one of the characters died and I wanted them all to die.

下个月，她让我们读约瑟夫·康拉德的《吉姆老爷》。

And the next month, she made us read, or she told us to read, Lord Jim by Joseph Conrad.

我没读这本书，部分是因为它让我想起高中时讨厌的十九世纪小说，比如《简·爱》，部分是因为我还在为必须读《秘密历史》而生气。

And I didn't read it, partly because it reminded me of the nineteenth century novels like Jane Eyre that I hated in high school, and partly because I was still so annoyed about having to read The Secret History.

所以我明白自己得错过讨论，但在讨论当晚，我顺路去了Tower唱片店，看到一整排黄色和黑色的《克里夫笔记》学习指南。

And so I knew I'd have to miss the discussion, but on the night this discussion was scheduled to take place, I stopped off at Tower Records, and there I saw a whole rack full of those yellow and black study guides called CliffsNotes.

我看到了一本《吉姆老爷》的笔记，心想：也许我还能去参加讨论。

And I saw one for Lord Jim and I thought, maybe I can go to the discussion.

于是我去了，并把我从《克里夫笔记》里读到的内容当作自己的见解提了出来。

So I went and I offered as my own insight something that I had read in the CliffsNotes.

劳拉说：这真有意思。

And Laura said, well that's really interesting.

然后她进一步问我关于我那个观点的细节，于是我复述了自己还记得的笔记内容。

And then she asked me, you know, more about the comment I'd made and so I repeated what I could remember from the study guide.

我们就这样一来一往，整个晚上主导了整个讨论。

And we went back and forth like this, really dominated the discussion for the whole evening.

到了晚上结束时，大家都认为这次讨论非常成功。

And at the end of the night, everybody agreed that the discussion had been a success.

尽管我本该感到庆幸并保持沉默，但我还是承认自己看了《CliffsNotes》。

And even though I should have just been relieved and kept my mouth shut, I confessed to reading the CliffsNotes.

所有人都盯着我看，劳拉的表情就像被我狠狠打了一拳。

And everybody just stared at me and Laura looked like I kicked her in the gut.

当我回家告诉妻子发生了什么事时，她问：‘你当时在想什么？’

And when I got home and told my wife what happened, she said, what were you thinking?

她自己参加读书会已经很多年了，是另一个读书会，她知道这种事是绝对不能做的。

And she she had been in a book group for many years, another book group, and she knew that these things were just not done.

第二天早上，小组里一个男人给我打了电话，他说：‘听着，你昨晚离开后，我们几个人聊了聊发生的事，决定你最好别再回来了。’

And the next morning, a guy from the group called me and he said, look, after you left last night, a few of us were talking about what happened and we decided it would be better if you didn't return.

我说：‘你们要把我赶出去？’

And I said, you're kicking me out?

他说：‘是的。’

And he said, yes.

我说，一个读书会？

And I said, of a book group?

他说，是的。

And he said, yes.

我说，因为我看了《克里夫笔记》。

And I said, because I read the CliffsNotes.

他说，是的，因为你看了《克里夫笔记》。

And he said, yes, because you read the CliffsNotes.

拉里，你作弊了。

Larry, you cheated.

我简直不敢相信我听到的话。

And I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

我以前从没听说过有人会被读书会开除。

I had never heard of anybody getting expelled from a book group before.

我妻子也从来没听说过。

And neither had my wife.

当我告诉她这个消息时，她说：‘嗯，这确实是我没想到的。’

And when I gave her the news, she said, well, you know, that I didn't expect.

她的语气听起来很同情。

And she sounded sympathetic.

于是我问：‘那我可以加入你们的读书会吗？’

So I said, well, can I join your book group?

她回答：‘绝对不行。’

And she said, absolutely not.

谢谢。

Thank you.

那

That

那是劳伦斯·伍德。

was Lawrence Wood.

劳伦斯是一名律师，也是《莫思故事会》的常客，同时在芝加哥大学担任法学讲师，教授一门关于贫困法的研讨课。

Lawrence is an attorney, a Moth StorySlam regular, and a lecturer in law at the University of Chicago where he teaches a seminar on poverty law.

劳伦斯还七次赢得《纽约客》漫画标题大赛，创下纪录。

Lawrence has also won the New Yorker cartoon caption contest a record setting seven times.

接下来是阿曼达·埃格。

Up next, Amanda Egge.

另外提醒一下我们的听众。

And a quick heads up to our listeners.

这个故事涉及药物使用和成瘾问题，所以我们想提前提醒一下。

This story deals with drug use and addiction, so we just wanted to give you a quick note about that.

阿曼达在洛杉矶举行的《毛虫》大奖赛上分享了这个故事。

Amanda shared this story at a Moth Grand Slam in Los Angeles.

当晚的主题是‘深水区’。

The theme of the night was the deep end.

我知道我们必须戒掉海洛因，因为我们快没钱了。

I knew we had to quit heroin because we were running out of money.

说实话，当瘾君子根本不是我的人生计划。

And honestly, being a junkie was not part of my life plan.

当时我23岁，和大学男友多米尼克住在纽约，还有我们的三只猫，每天花120美元买海洛因。

At the time, was 23, living in New York with my college boyfriend Dominic, our three cats, and a $120 a day heroin habit.

多米尼克和我试过自己戒毒，但从来没能撑过戒断的第三天。

Dominic and I had tried quitting on our own, but we could never make it past the third day of withdrawal.

对于那些从未戒过海洛因的人，那感觉就像你经历过的最严重的流感，再乘以一百万倍。

For those of you who've never kicked heroin before, it's like the worst flu you've ever had times a million.

但最难熬的不是剧烈的抽筋、焦虑、腹泻、呕吐或冷汗。

But the hardest part is not the severe cramping, anxiety, diarrhea, vomiting or cold sweats.

而是你知道，那种不安或痛苦，坐一程地铁就能在布什维克找到。

It's knowing that the insecurity or misery is just a subway ride away in Bushwick.

不过，去康复中心似乎太极端了。

Still, going to rehab seemed like too drastic a move.

我的确对海洛因上瘾，如果超过几个小时不吸，就会开始难受。

I mean, yes, I was addicted to heroin and I couldn't go more than a couple of hours without using or I'd start to feel sick.

海洛因还让人完全无法高潮，所以我已经一年半没有高潮过了。

And heroin makes it impossible to orgasm so I hadn't come in a year and a half.

我便秘得厉害，竟然戴着乳胶手套从肛门里挖出硬得像石头的粪便。

And I was so constipated that I found myself digging rock hard poop out of my butt with latex gloves.

但当时我还在全美排名第一的哲学博士项目里。

But I was also in the number one PhD program for philosophy.

我根本不可能错过我的形而上学研讨课。

And there was no way I could miss my metaphysics seminar.

于是我找到了一个门诊项目，他们会给患者开达罗芬、氯硝西泮和可乐定，帮助逐步戒除阿片类药物。

So I found an outpatient program that would prescribe you darvon, clonopin and clonidine to help step you down off opiates.

我们试过几次，但总是因为一些愚蠢的原因复吸，比如有一天我环顾公寓，发现乱七八糟，就给多米尼克留了张便条。

And we did that a couple of times, but we kept relapsing for stupid reasons like one day I was looking around the apartment and it was a mess, and so I wrote Dominic a note about it.

当我回家时，他正坐在沙发上吸海洛因。

And when I got home, he was sitting on the couch smoking heroin.

我问他：‘你这是在干什么？’

And I was like, what are you doing?

他回答：‘你便条上不是说让我去拿吗？’

And he said, in your note you said to pick up.

我说的是公寓。

And I said, I meant the apartment.

但他就在那儿吸海洛因，所以我也吸了。

But there he was smoking heroin, so I did too.

又一次复吸后的一天，我开始恐慌发作。

One day after another relapse, I started having a panic attack.

不知为什么，那一刻我拿起电话给妈妈打了过去。

And for some reason in that moment, I picked up the phone to call my mom.

我说：妈妈，你得来纽约。

I said, Mom, you have to come to New York.

我有件事想告诉你。

There's something I want to tell you.

我就说了这些。

That's all I said.

她没有问是什么事，只是立刻买了机票。

She didn't ask what it was, she just got on a plane.

但事实是，她其实早就知道了。

But the truth is, she already knew.

她只是不知道那是海洛因。

She just didn't know it was heroin.

我妈妈见了我、我的治疗师，我的治疗师说，你需要去戒毒所。

My mom met with me and my therapist and my therapist said, you need to go to rehab.

我说，不，我只需要去夏威夷之类的地方。

And I said, no, I just need to go to Hawaii or something.

他却说，不，你必须去戒毒所。

And he said, no, you need to go to rehab.

亚利桑那州有一家，叫塞拉图森。

There's one in Arizona, it's called Sierra Tucson.

我说，让我考虑一下。

And I said, let me think about it.

那天晚上我回家后，上网搜索了塞拉图森，发现他们的网站上说那里有马。

So that night I went home and I googled Sierra Tucson and I saw on their website that they have horses.

从小我就一直很喜欢骑马。

And growing up, I'd always loved going horseback riding.

我决定去戒毒中心，因为他们有马。

I decided that I could go to rehab because they had horses.

不是为了骑马，而是为了那些马。

Not to get off horse, but for the horses.

第二天我就去告诉我的治疗师：好的，我愿意去西耶拉图森。

I went in the next day and I told my therapist, okay, yes, I'll go to Sierra Tucson.

他说：现在不行，你的男朋友也要去那里。

And he said, you can't now, your boyfriend is going there.

我说：去你的，那是我的戒毒中心。

And I said, fuck you, that's my rehab.

然后我冲出了房间。

And I stormed out of the room.

我妈妈劝我回去，我的治疗师说：没关系，还有其他戒毒中心。

My mom convinced me to come back in and my therapist said, it's okay, There are other rehabs.

马里布有一家。

There's one in Malibu.

我说，那里有马吗？

And I said, does it have horses?

他说，没有，但那里有名人。

And he said, no, but it has celebrities.

我到康复中心时，已经戒断海洛因二十四小时了。

By the time I arrived in rehab, was already twenty four hours into heroin withdrawal.

他们给了我一些药物帮助度过最初的几天戒断期，但我还是感觉很糟糕，第一个月几乎睡不着觉。

They gave me some stuff to help through the first couple days of detox, but I still felt like shit and I couldn't really sleep for the first month.

海洛因会让你极度放松，当你的身体习惯了这种状态，一旦停用，留下的就是焦虑和肾上腺素。

Heroin makes you super relaxed and when your body gets used to that and you take it away, what you're left with is edginess and adrenaline.

晚上，康复中心会带我们去参加外面的药物和酒精戒断会议。

At night, the rehab would take us to these outside drug and alcohol meetings.

有两个来自其他康复中心的男生，我总在会议上和他们待在一起，因为他们长得帅，而且还是名人。

And there was these two guys from another rehab that I would always hang out with at the meetings because they were cute, but also because they were celebrities.

有一晚，其中一个人对我说：嘿，我们今天闻了发胶。

One night, one of them said to me, hey, we huffed hair mousse today.

怎么闻？

How?

我问。

I asked.

我已经在康复中心的洗手间里，盯着一瓶空气清新剂上的吸入警告标签好几个星期了，想弄明白该怎么操作。

I'd been sitting in the rehab bathroom staring at a huffing warning label on a bottle of air freshener for weeks, trying to figure out how to do it.

他们告诉了我方法，那天晚上我回到康复中心，翻遍了其他病人的东西，偷走了我能找到的所有发胶——一共两瓶，并把它们藏了起来。

They told me, and that night I went back to the rehab, and I went through all the other patients' stuff, and I stole every bottle of hair mousse that I could find, which was two, and I hid them.

然后，每当我感觉需要上瘾时，就会去洗手间闻一闻。

And then whenever I felt like I needed to get high, I would go in the bathroom and take a huff.

吸入发胶让康复生活变得好熬多了。

Huffing made rehab really manageable.

后来我用完了发胶，就开始像每周要香烟一样要求提供发胶，但不知为什么，康复中心从来就没给我送过。

Then I ran out of the hair mousse, and I started requesting it along with my weekly carton of cigarettes, but for some reason, the rehab never brought me any.

然后有一天，一个当地的马里布女孩来接我去参加一个会议。

And then one day, this local Malibu girl came and picked me up to take me to a meeting.

我坐在她的车里，知道我们即将经过一家美发用品店，我想我应该请她停一下，好买些发胶。

And I was riding with her in her car, and I knew we were about to pass by a beauty supply store, and I thought I should just ask her to stop so that I can get some hair mousse.

接着我想到，天啊，我这一生都要当个发胶成瘾者吗？

And then my next thought was, oh my god, am I just gonna be a hair moose addict for the rest of my life?

就在那一刻，我意识到，毒品对我来说已经结束了。

That was the moment I realized that drugs were over for me.

在康复中心，他们告诉你，必须跌到谷底才能戒掉。

In rehab, they tell you that you have to hit bottom in order to get clean.

但跌到谷底并不是像触到泳池底部那样。

But hitting bottom isn't like touching the floor of a pool.

它比那要模糊得多。

It's murkier than that.

因为无论你的谷底在哪里，你总还能再往下沉。

Because no matter where your bottom is, you could always go lower.

多米尼克在离开西erra图森后最后一次使用海洛因时，找到了自己的最低点。

Dominic found his bottom when he used heroin one last time after he left Sierra Tucson.

但对我来说，让我意识到自己是个瘾君子的并不是海洛因。

But for me, it wasn't the heroin that convinced me I was a drug addict.

而是那罐发胶。

It was the hair moose.

那是阿曼达·埃格。

That was Amanda Egge.

阿曼达在青少年和二十岁出头时经历了悲剧、喜剧和海洛因成瘾，但在23岁时扭转了人生。

Amanda lived through tragedy, comedy, and heroin addiction in her teens and early twenties, but turned her life around at the age of 23.

她现在已婚，有两个孩子，经营着一家受欢迎的家庭烘焙店，专门制作装饰糖霜饼干。

She's now married with two kids and runs a popular home bakery specializing in decorated sugar cookies.

我们跟进了解了她现在的状况，她说：‘自从2001年离开康复中心后，我就再也没碰过发胶或海洛因。’

We followed up with her to see how she's doing now, and she says, quote, I haven't used hair mousse or heroin since I left rehab in 2001.

我现在过着非常普通的生活，和二十岁出头时完全不一样了，而且我和丈夫度蜜月时，终于去了夏威夷。

I live a pretty normal life now that looks nothing like it did when I was in my early twenties, and I did finally get that trip to Hawaii when my husband and I went on our honeymoon.

不幸的是，那时我也没能骑马。

Unfortunately, I didn't get to ride horses then either.

最后，如果你或你认识的人正在与成瘾作斗争，可以拨打物质滥用和心理健康管理局的全国热线：180662。

Lastly, if you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, you can call the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Administration's national hotline, 180662.

这次就到这里了，但我们会很快回来，带来更多故事。

That's gonna do it this time around, but we'll be back again soon with some more stories.

在那之前，来自The Moth全体成员的祝福：愿你拥有精彩的一周。

And until then, from all of us here at The Moth, have a story worthy week.

丹·肯尼迪是《先输的人》《摇滚吧》和《美国精神》的作者。

Dan Kennedy is the author of Loser Goes First, Rock On, and American Spirit.

他也是The Moth的常驻主持人和故事讲述者。

He's also a regular host and storyteller with The Moth.

播客制作由朱莉娅·珀塞尔和保罗·鲁斯特负责。

Podcast production by Julia Pursell and Paul Ruest.