The Problem Isn’t You - It’s Career Advice That Ignores Motherhood

大家好，我是佐伊，欢迎回到Motherkind频道。

Hi I'm Zoe, welcome back to Motherkind.

本期节目由Wild Nutrition的女性膳食补充剂赞助播出，这档节目是为你而做的——献给每一位身兼母亲身份的女性。

We are proudly sponsored by Wild Nutrition's Women's Supplements and this is the show about you, the woman behind the mother.

好了，首先我要先跟大家坦白一件事。

Okay, I am going to start by making a confession to you.

从去年开始，我听了一些男性视角的商业播客。

Last year I started listening to some bro business podcasts.

好的，我来解释一下。

Right, let me explain.

我对Motherkind这个品牌能带来的影响力，抱有非常大的期许。

I am so ambitious for the impact I want to make with Motherkind.

后来我被Instagram上的那些短视频迷住了，它们说只要照着这五个步骤做，我的播客流量就能翻十倍。我就陷进去了，开始听这类相关的播客，浑浑噩噩地熬了好几个月。

And I got drawn in from those Instagram reels telling me if I did these five steps, then I could 10x the podcast and I was drawn in and I started listening to these podcasts and for a few dark months, was kind of in it.

那阵子几乎天天都在听。

Was listening to them quite a lot.

不过我跟你说，很快情况就不对了。

But let me tell you what quickly happened.

我开始觉得自己一事无成。

I started to feel like I was failing.

我不断怀疑自己，还有我一手做起来的所有事业。

I started to question myself and everything I'd built.

我甚至跟朋友们说，我搞砸了。

I even started telling my friends I failed.

我都没把这个播客做起来，发展得太慢了。

I haven't grown this podcast quick enough.

我都不知道自己之前在忙些什么。

I don't know what I've been doing.

身边的朋友都看傻了，问我是不是疯了。

And everyone, my friends were looking at me like, you mad?

但那时候我真的信了他们那套说法。

But I really started to believe it.

我会有这种感受，是因为我一直在看那些根本不适合我的所谓建议。

The reason I was feeling like this is because I was consuming advice not built for me.

你懂吧？

Right?

很多时候这些建议包装得好像是在打鸡血、给你加油，但骨子里全是那套：要更拼，忙到死都没关系，得比任何人都渴望成功，咬着牙硬扛过去。

Because even though often this advice is kind of wrapped up as motivation or empowerment, what is really under it is hustle harder, sleep when you're dead, want it more, just push through.

还有一类说法更离谱，直接让你别管自己感觉怎么样，埋头干活就完了。

There was one and it was like sod how you feel, just keep working.

所有人一天都只有二十四小时，时间完全一样。

Everyone has the same twenty four hours.

今天我就要把这个错误观念戳破，因为这套标准对我们根本不适用，之前也把我坑得够呛。

And today I'm just gonna call it because it doesn't work for us and it didn't work for me.

我想分享一些真正能帮到我们的职业和商业建议。

And I wanna share the career and business advice that does work for us.

刚才说的那种有毒的成功学论调，我姑且称之为“大男子主义职场鸡汤”，持有这种观点的通常是没有家庭拖累的男性，或是几乎不用操心家庭事务的职场女性。他们心里藏着几套默认的前提，哪怕不会明说，核心假设就是你能完全掌控自己的时间、能把工作放在所有事情的第一位、能承担后果不明的重大风险、能来者不拒抓住所有机会，还能接连熬好几年拼命打拼，之后再休息。

So this sort of bro career advice I'm calling it, it's normally child free men or men who have very little or sometimes women outside work, they have a few core assumptions, even if they don't say them out loud, the implicit assumption is that you have full control of your time, that you can prioritise work above everything else, that you can take big risks without consequences, that you can just say yes to every opportunity, that you can grind really hard for a few years and rest.

还有就是默认你得把全部精力都扑在事业上，把财务成功当成唯一的衡量标准。

And that you want to go all in your career and that financial success is the only metric.

这类说法隐含的前提就是你完全不用承担照顾家人的责任，没有那些隐形的事务和精神负担，不用支付 childcare 费用，不用接孩子放学，不用照顾生病的孩子，不会缺觉，也不用扛各种情绪压力，更不会经历初为人母的适应期、还要在混乱里摸索方向。

So it kind of assumes right that you have no caregiving responsibilities, no invisible labour and mental load, no childcare costs, no school pickups, no ill children, no sleep deprivation, no emotional load, no matrescence where you're trying to figure out what is going on.

但问题在于，我们这代千禧一代的女性，从小就被灌输“你可以拥有一切，只要足够努力就能做到”。

Problem is us millennial women we were told you can have it all and if you work hard enough then you can.

可我认识的大多数妈妈，不管是有偿工作还是无偿的家庭事务，已经拼到超过正常人能承受的程度了。

And most mothers I know already work harder than any human should on paid and unpaid work.

我们都明白，所谓‘拥有一切’本质上就是什么都得自己扛下来。

And we all know that having it all is just doing it all.

是吧？

Right?

于是你就会开始觉得自己一事无成，也难怪我们会轻易被这类说法影响，因为这套职场言论刚好坐实了这种焦虑。

So I think that's when we can start to feel like we're failing and why we're so sort of, why we're so vulnerable to these messages, because this career advice actually reinforces it.

这套逻辑告诉你，要是没成功，那肯定是你不够努力。而就是这种想法，当时把我搞得特别难受。

It says if you're not succeeding it's because you're not trying hard enough and that is what started to get to me.

我当时就信了这套说法，这对我们来说太残酷了，对我来说更是这样。因为如果我没办法跟上这种节奏，没办法无休止地拼尽全力、抓住每一个机会、随时待命，我就会把这种情况归咎于自己能力不行。

I started to believe that right it's brutal for us and it was brutal for me because when you can't follow it, when you can't hustle endlessly and take every opportunity and be constantly available, I was internalizing that as personal failure.

这就是为什么我今天一定要拍这个视频、录这期播客，因为我不是想追求更快的节奏，而是那些所谓的建议根本不适合我的生活。

And that's why I feel so passionate about making this video today, this podcast episode, because instead of seeing quicker, this advice just doesn't fit my life.

我当时真的觉得是自己搞砸了。

I thought I failed.

那套标准和我的实际情况完全对不上。

And it's kind of just a complete mismatch.

这点真的特别重要。

It is so important.

身为母亲、女性、家长，我们到底接纳了什么样的建议和观点，这太关键了。因为我们很容易就接收到一大堆内容，不管是创业相关、职业建议、人生指导，甚至是育儿理念，大多和我们的真实处境完全对不上。

The advice and the perspectives that we take on board as mothers, as women, as parents, because it's so easy to consume stuff and business and advice and career advice and life advice and even parenting that just doesn't match our reality.

因为这类建议会把我们在时间、精力、神经状态、经济条件上遇到的各种真实困境，全都扣上“借口”的帽子。

Because this type of advice, it takes these very real constraints that we face in our time, in our energy, in our nervous systems, in our finances and it calls them excuses.

但这些根本就不是什么借口。

But they're not excuses at all.

这些都是实实在在的限制条件。

They are very real constraints.

我们每个人能支配的时间，根本不是人人都一样的一天24小时。

We do not all have the same twenty four hours.

对吧？

Okay.

所以今天我真的想掏心窝子说一句：我曾经被卷进这套错误的逻辑里，千万别走我的老路。

So I just really want to be a bit vulnerable and say, I got sucked into this world, please don't.

如果你曾经也有过这种感受，我想让你知道，其实是有真正适配我们的职业建议的。

And if you have, or if you've ever felt this way, I need you to know that there is career advice that works.

我现在就来把这些建议分享给你，这都是我自己走过很多弯路才摸索出来的。

And I'm going to share it with you now because I've learned this the hard way.

好的。

Okay.

那我们就开始吧。

So let's start.

到底什么对我们才真正有效？

What actually works for us?

首先，你得清楚自己现在处于哪个阶段。

The first thing is that you have to know what season you are in.

明白吗？

Okay?

当你知道自己所处的事业或职业阶段，就能坦然接受，而不是总想着：我真希望现在在那儿，为什么我还没到？

When you know what season of your business or your career you are in, then you can start to just own it instead of feeling like, I wish I was here or why am I not there?

你可以直接说：不，你现在根本不是那个阶段。

You can say, no, that's not the season that you're in.

所以我管这叫：坚守、转型、重启，或者暂退。

So I call this stay, shift, start or step back.

对吧？

Right?

这就是四个阶段。

These four seasons.

「保持现状」对应的阶段，就是你打算留在当前的职业赛道里——可能你刚进入母亲这个身份没多久，现阶段就是踏踏实实干，手头的工作熟门熟路，也适应了所在的公司，正在摸索怎么平衡工作和当妈妈的生活。

Stay is, are you in a season where you're staying in your current career, maybe you're early in your matrescence and you're just sort of, you know, keeping your head down, you're familiar where you go with the work, maybe you're familiar with the company and you're learning how to manage working and motherhood.

还有一种可能是你处在「转型调整」的阶段，就是你还是留在原来的职业和岗位里，但做事的方式不一样了。

Maybe you're in a season where you're shifting, right, which is where you're sticking to your current career, your current role, but maybe you'll do it differently.

比如你可能换了一家新公司，或是开始做兼职了。

So you might be doing it with a new company or maybe you've gone part time.

也可能是你改成了只在学期内工作，或是缩短工时做兼职，或是在现有的岗位和能力范围内，试着找更灵活的工作方式。

So you might be dropping down to term time or part time or trying to find work within your existing role and skill set that is more flexible.

也许你正处于起步阶段，对吧？

Maybe you're in the season of starting, right?

我第一次陷入母亲身份转型期的时候就是这种状态，当时我刚刚创办了这个播客和平台，为了维持收入，我还在原来的行业里每周工作两天。

This is where I was when I had my first Matrescence, when I started this podcast and this platform, I worked in my old career two days a week just to keep the money coming in.

剩下的时间里，我每周抽出一天来打理Motherkind这个项目。

And then I worked on Motherkind one day a week.

我就是这么开启自己的事业的。有些网上的创业鸡汤会告诉你要孤注一掷，想做成大事就得全力押上，但我完全不赞同这种说法。

That is how I started my business and this sort of bro advice, this will tell you to go all in, to play big if you want to make it big and I don't like that at all.

不对，对我们大多数普通人来说，如果要开启新事业，肯定会先用到已经掌握的技能，这个方法叫做「并行发展」。

No, for the reality of most of us, if we want to start a new career, we're going to use the skills that we've already got, it's called paralleling.

之后再抽时间慢慢筹备新的职业方向，或是搭建自己的新事业。

And then we're going to in some other time start to build up our new career or our new business.

而且这么做的成功率其实更高。

And actually that makes it more successful.

这么做的话，创业成功的概率会提升30%，我当初兼顾两份事业的时候，亲身体会到这个规律是真的。

So when we do that our businesses are 30% more likely to be successful and that was definitely my experience when I was able to do both alongside.

你肯定想不到，在Motherkind社群里大家已经创办了这么多不同的公司。

You wouldn't believe the businesses that have started in our Motherkind community.

我发现很多很棒的创业点子，其实都是在成为母亲、经历母亲身份转变的过程中冒出来的，我一直特别认同的一点是，我们创业得按适合自己的节奏来。

I think there are so many incredible ideas that come from experiencing motherhood and Matrescence and I feel so passionately about us starting businesses in a way that works for us.

我对这件事特别上心。

I'm so passionate about this.

之后我会单独做一期节目来聊这个话题。

I'm going to do a separate episode on it.

你也有可能正处在第四个阶段：暂退职场，也就是我之前邀请过的嘉宾Nihar Ruche提出的‘主动停摆期’，这个说法我特别喜欢。

So you might also be in the fourth season which is stepping back or power pause as my past guest, Nihar Ruche calls it, which I just love.

如果你正处在这个阶段——暂停全职工作，回归家庭照顾家人，那你一定要去听听那期节目。

So if you're in this season of stepping back, pausing paid work to care for your family, then I want you to definitely listen into that episode.

那期的标题就是《主动停摆期》。

It's called Power Pause.

有数据显示，每三位女性里就有一位计划暂时中断事业，而其中九成的人都打算之后重返职场。

We know that one in three women plan to pause their careers with ninety percent intending to return to the workforce.

所以这不是你的职业生涯要结束了，只是先暂停一段时间。

So this isn't an ending of your career, this is a pausing of it.

那些传统的职业规划建议里，完全没提到这种情况。

This traditional career advice doesn't talk about this at all.

那些建议都默认你会一直拼尽全力工作，从入职到退休都不停歇，但这对我们来说根本不现实。

It assumes that you are just going to go at it and work for, you know, your whole kind of working life and that is not, that's not true for us.

不如先想想你现在正处在人生的哪个阶段，再根据这个阶段的状况，调整你的目标和专注的方向。

Think about the season that you're in and how you can match what you want to do and what you're focusing on based on that season.

好了。

Okay.

第二条真正适合我们的建议，是去定义属于你自己的成功标准。

The second piece of advice that actually works for us is to define your version of success.

一直以来我们被灌输的成功，就是看收入、头衔和权责级别。说实话我在生孩子之前也是这么定义成功的，那完全是一套男性主流的成功逻辑。

We've been taught that success is your income, your title, your level of responsibility and honestly pre kids that's how I defined it too, that's kind of the bro version.

放到现在的我身上，这套标准早就格格不入了。

That feels completely out of touch for me now.

我们得重新定义成功的含义。

We need to redefine success.

是吧？

Right?

成功的定义应该围绕你想创造的影响力、你希望的生活状态、你期待的日常节奏，还有你想要的自由支配空间。

Success in terms of the impact that you want to make, how you want to feel, how you want your days to look, how much flexibility you want.

我现在评判自己成不成功，很大程度上就看能不能拥有足够的灵活度。

So much of my success these days is defined on flexibility.

按照我自己的标准，我现在挺成功的。以前总有杂音说，我还没赚到八位数就不算成功，现在我跳出这些噪音后，才发现这些说法有多无聊。

I'm kind of successful by my own definition and when I got some distance from this kind of noise telling me that I wasn't successful because I hadn't hit eight figures yet, boring.

我意识到我确实很成功，因为我能每天去学校接女儿们放学。

Am realized I am successful because I pick my girls up from school every day.

每个月我都能影响到数百万人。

I have impact on millions of others every month.

我在做对自己而言真正有意义的工作，当然这份工作也能赚钱，但大多数时候我都状态松弛、情绪平稳，这对我来说就是成功。

I do work that really matters to me and yes it also pays me but I am relaxed and regulated most of the time and that is success to me.

没错，我本来可以拿到更高的下载量、覆盖更多受众、实现更高的营业额，但那只会给我带来更多压力，还会压缩我陪伴家人的时间。

Yes, I could have bigger downloads, more reach, more turnover, but that would just mean more stress and less time in my family.

这对现在的我来说算成功吗？

Is that success to me right now?

当然不算。

No.

那五年后等我的孩子上了中学，这对我来说会不会是成功呢？

Might that be success to me in five years when my children are at secondary school?

有可能吧。

Maybe.

我也不确定。

I don't know.

成功的标准本就该随着孩子的成长变化、随着家庭的发展变迁而调整。

Our success is meant to change as our children change and grow, as our families change and grow.

所以你得自己定义属于你的成功。

So you have to define your version of success.

对你来说，成功的标准可能是财富

Maybe it is financial for you.

那也挺好的

That's great.

也可能是你追求的职位头衔

Maybe it is title.

还有可能是想要留出更多可自由支配的时间，不管你的答案是什么，都没关系

Maybe it's time freeze and it doesn't matter what it is.

重要的是你自己要清楚它是什么。

It matters that you know what it is.

那我准备了四个问题。

So I've got four questions.

如果你觉得，佐伊，你说的这些都很好，但我到底要怎么找到属于自己的成功是什么呢？

If you're like, this sounds great Zoe, but how on earth do I figure out what it is for me?

你可以试着问问自己这四个问题。

I've got four questions you can ask yourself.

第一个问题是，如果没人能看到或评价你的选择，那成功对你来说又是什么样子？

The first one is, if no one else could see or judge my choices, what would success look like then?

假如你有一根魔法棒，你希望自己的生活、工作是什么模样？

If you had a magic wand, how would you want your life and your working life to look?

我希望你闭上眼睛，构想一下你理想中的一天是什么样的。

And I want you to close your eyes and envision your perfect day.

这一天会发生什么？你会怎么安排自己的时间？

What does it consist of And how are you spending your time?

最后一个问题是：如果你快进到五年后，回头看看现在的自己，当下的这段日子要怎么做，才能让你回想起来的时候觉得无比精彩？

And then the last question is, if you step five years into the future and you look back on you now, what is going to make this period feel amazing for you?

等你想清楚这些，你就有了指路的明灯，有了一个可以为之努力的方向，这会让你充满力量。

So once you've got this, it gives you a North Star, something you can move towards and this is you getting empowered.

你会不再被外界的杂音干扰，坚定地明白成功对自己来说意味着什么，并且有勇气朝着这个方向前进。

This is you quieting that noise and thinking I know what success means to me and then having the courage to go from it.

好的。

Okay.

第三个真正实用的建议，就是把你的时间跨度拉长。

So the third piece of advice that actually works for us is to extend your timeline.

我们大多数人还有三四十年，甚至五十年的时间可以工作。

Most of us have kind of thirty, forty, maybe fifty years left to work.

根本没必要把所有事情都挤在未来两年里做完，哪怕是五年、十年都来得及。

We do not need to do everything in the next two years, even in the next five years, even in the next ten years.

前几天我看到一项很有意思的研究，结果显示女性创业成功率最高的年龄段是五十多岁。

There's an incredible piece of research that I was reading the other day that the most likely age for a woman to start a business is in her 50s.

我们还有的是时间，很多职场建议都忽略了我们需要承担的家庭照料责任，根本没考虑到这一点。

We have time and this is what so much of this career advice that ignores our caregiving responsibilities just doesn't think about.

我们得把自己的职业规划时间线拉长。

We need to extend our timelines.

好了，接下来请你好好想想自己的职业生涯，听听我的这个建议。

Okay, so I want you to think about your career and take this advice from me.

别听那些男人瞎给建议，他们根本不懂既要工作又要养家的人，要承受多大的时间压力、现实束缚，连神经系统都会因为长期紧绷而失调。

Do not take your advice from men who have no idea what it is like to have the time pressures, constraint pressures, the kind of nervous system dysregulation of trying to work and raise a family.

希望今天的内容对你有帮助，我们下次再见。

So I hope that helped and I will see you next time.