120. 理解你的自我

这是一档iHeart播客节目。

This is an iHeart podcast.

真人真声保证。

Guaranteed Human.

父亲传承下来的哪些循环，需要儿子们去治愈？

What are the cycles fathers passed down that sons are left to heal?

如果男子气概不在于强撑一切，而在于学会放手呢？

What if being a man wasn't about holding it all together, but learning how to let go?

这是一个让男性诉说真相、寻找治愈与蜕变力量的空间。

This is a space where men speak truth and find the power to heal and transform.

我是迈克·德拉罗查。

I'm Mike Della Rocha.

欢迎来到《神圣课程》。

Welcome to sacred lessons.

请在iHeartRadio应用、Apple播客或任何你获取播客的平台收听《神圣课程》。

Listen to sacred lessons on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

这部剧集走在了时代前列。

The show was ahead of its time.

以一种电视上从未展现过的方式呈现黑人家庭。

To represent a black family in ways the television hadn't shown before.

没错。

Exactly.

我是特尔玛·霍普金斯，也叫瑞秋阿姨。

It's Telma Hopkins, also known as aunt Rachel.

我是凯莉·威廉姆斯，也就是劳拉·温斯洛。

And I'm Kelly Williams or Laura Winslow.

在我们的播客《欢迎来到家庭》中，与特尔玛和凯莉一起重温《家庭事务》的每一集。

On our podcast, welcome to the family with Telma and Kelly, we're rewatching every episode of family matters.

我们将分享制作这部剧的幕后故事。

We'll share behind the scenes stories about making the show.

是的。

Yeah.

我们还会邀请一些特别嘉宾来爆料些内幕。

We'll even bring in some special guests to spill some tea.

欢迎在iHeartRadio应用、Apple Podcasts或任何你获取播客的平台收听《欢迎来到这个家》，与Thelma和Kelly一起。

Listen to welcome to the family with Thelma and Kelly on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

嗨。

Hi.

我是Radhi Devlukia，《一场真正的好哭》播客的主持人。

I'm Radhi Devlukia, and I am the host of A Really Good Cry podcast.

本周，我邀请到了Anna Runkle，也被称为'糟糕童年仙女'，她是一位创作者、教师和引导者，帮助人们治愈不安全或混乱童年留下的情感创伤。

This week, I am joined by Anna Runkle, also known as the crappy Childhood Fairy, a creator, teacher, and guide helping people heal from the lasting emotional wounds of unsafe or chaotic childhoods.

谈论创伤并不总是对人有好处。

Talking about trauma isn't always great for people.

这并不总是最好的选择。

It's not always the best thing.

大约三分之一在童年遭受创伤的人，当他们谈论这些经历时会感觉更糟，情绪会非常失控。

About a third of people who are traumatized as kids feel worse when they talk about it, get very dysregulated.

请在iHeartRadio应用、Apple播客或任何你获取播客的平台收听《一场痛快的哭泣》。

Listen to A Really Good Cry on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

你好，我是医生

Hi, I'm Doctor.

普里扬卡·沃利。

Priyanka Wally.

我是哈里赫·纳布格鲁。

And I'm Harikh Naboglu.

在我们的新播客《健康那些事儿》中，我们将为你解答那些令人困惑的健康问题。

On our new podcast Health Stuff, we demystify your burning health questions.

你会听到我们完全坦诚地谈论自己的健康状况。

You'll hear us being completely honest about our own health.

说实话，我实习期间的结肠就像在求救。

My residency colon was like a cry for help, honestly.

你还会听到专家们希望让医疗更人性化的真诚建议和个人故事。

And you'll hear candid advice personal stories from experts who wanna make health care more human.

我总觉得自己在医学领域从未真正找到归属感。

I feel like I never felt like I truly belonged in medicine.

我们想让健康话题变得不那么令人困惑，甚至可能带点趣味性。

We wanna make health less confusing and maybe even a little fun.

在iHeartRadio应用、Apple播客或任何你获取播客的平台，搜索《健康那些事》。

Find health stuff on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

大家好，欢迎回到《二十几岁的心理学》，在这档播客中我们将探讨二十多岁面临的人生重大转变及其心理意义。

Hello, everybody, and welcome back to the psychology of your twenties, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology.

大家好。

Hello everybody.

欢迎回到节目。

Welcome back to the show.

欢迎回到播客。

Welcome back to the podcast.

新听众、老听众，无论你身处世界何处，非常高兴能再次与你们共度新一期节目。

New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world, it is so great to have you here back for another episode.

今天我们讨论的是一个经常被要求探讨的话题，也是心理学中关于自我概念的核心议题之一。

Today we're tackling a very frequently requested topic, and also one of the major concepts in psychology and how we conceptualise the self.

说实话我挺惊讶自己之前居然没做过关于这个主题的完整节目。

So I'm actually surprised that I've never done a full episode on this before.

我要说的就是——自我意识。

What I'm talking about is ego.

那种我们偶尔都会产生的糟糕感觉：或许自己比别人强那么一点。

That nasty feeling we all get sometimes that maybe we're a little bit better than others.

或许我们理应得到更多。

That maybe we deserve more.

觉得生活对我们不公。

That life is unfair to us.

或是我们配得上比现状更好的境遇。

Or we are somewhat too good for our reality.

这种感受确实很难坦然接受。

That feeling is a really hard one to come to terms with.

我们都不喜欢那种自以为是的感觉，我认为我们常常会不自觉地忽视这些情绪的出现，因为承认它令人羞愧，但我也认为这仍然是人类体验中非常重要的一部分，我们将在本期节目中深入探讨。

None of us like feeling entitled, and I think we can often involuntarily ignore when those feelings come up because it's shameful to admit, but I also think that it is still very much part of the human experience as we're going to examine in this episode.

关于为何我们的自我有时会膨胀、为何我们会这样恐惧、它在保护我们免受什么伤害、或许它实际上如何反映出我们更深层次的不安全感，存在着一长串的解释。

There is such a long list of explanations surrounding why our ego is sometimes inflated, why we fear this way, what it's protecting us from, perhaps how it's actually really reflecting some of our more deeply rooted insecurities.

就我个人而言，最近我一直在思考自我这个问题——我的现实和自我认知是基于事实，还是基于某种我对自己的错误看法。

Personally, I've been contemplating ego quite a bit recently, whether my reality and my self perception is based on truth or some kind of false idea of how I see myself.

这倒不是说我在高高在上的王座上俯视他人，我觉得自己太澳大利亚人了，根本不会有那种视角，估计很快就会被怼下来，但更多是在思考：我是否真的配得上给自己的赞誉？还是我在自欺欺人？

And that's not really to say that I'm on a very high throne pretending to look down on others, I think I'm way too Australian to ever have that perspective, I think I'd get cut down pretty quickly, but it's much more around, am I actually worth the credit that I give myself, Or am I delusional?

还有，我的自信和自尊是真正的自信，还是显得傲慢？

And also, is my confidence and my self esteem really confidence, or does it come off as arrogance?

别人会不会这样看待我？

Is that how people might see it?

或许这也是你一直在思考的问题。

And maybe that's something that you've been thinking about as well.

但我认为，要理解我们自己乃至普遍的自我，首先必须理解我们的ego（自我意识）。

But I think to understand ourselves and the self in general, we really firstly have to understand our ego.

因此，今天我们将通过回顾一些基础心理学知识来探讨这个话题，审视弗洛伊德关于自我及其伙伴（如本我与超我）的理论。

So we're going to discuss that today by kind of going back to some of our very rudimentary psychology and examining the very Freudian idea around ego and some of ego's friends, like the id and the superego.

我们还将讨论现代社会如何将自我概念演变为傲慢与自大的同义词，以及不同文化对这种特质的评价差异（这非常有趣），并分析其对我们产生的影响，特别是六个关键信号，它们可能表明你正被自我所掌控。

We're also going to discuss how ideas around ego have evolved and changed in the modern era to be one that's very synonymous with arrogance and self importance, and how that quality is valued in some cultures more than others, very interestingly, but also what impact that has on us, and some of the crucial signs, six in particular, that it might actually be your ego in control.

正如我之前反思和谈到的，我认为自负与自信可能非常相似，感受也很相近，但它们绝对是截然不同的。

I also think, like I reflected and was talking about before, being egotistical and being confident can be very very similar, and feel very similar, but they're definitely very different things.

要知道，自我植根于不安全感、比较心理以及通过他人验证获得的成功，而我认为自信则是非常稳定的状态。

Know, ego is based in insecurity, in comparison, in the validation and success of yourself compared to others, whilst I think confidence is very stable.

这种自我确信让我们明白自己是谁，清楚自己的立场，以及我们选择如何对待周围的人。

It is this self assurance that we know who we are, we know what we're about, and how we choose to treat the people around us.

因此我们还将探讨如何区分二者，以及如何从自我驱动转变为基于自尊、谦逊与优雅的行动模式。

So we're also going to look at how we can tell the difference and how to shift from acting from a place of ego to acting from a place of self esteem, humility, and grace.

为此我将给出四个关键建议，其中一条可能有点反直觉，但我保证解释后你会明白其合理性。

So I'm also gonna give you four key tips around that, one of which is a little bit counter intuitive, but I promise you it makes sense when I explain it.

我已经迫不及待想和大家展开今天的讨论了。

So I can't wait to discuss this all with you today.

关于自我的禁忌，它对我们每个人的控制力，以及我们如何接受它作为人类现实的一部分，并真正将这些冲动转化为自信。

The taboo of ego, the control it has over every single one of us, but also how do we accept it as part of human reality, and really transform those urges to ones of self confidence.

那么，我想我们就不多说废话了，直接来探讨自我背后的真实心理学。

So I think without further ado, let's discuss the real psychology behind our egos.

如果不先理解自我所扮演的角色及其影响，我们就无法了解自己，也无法触及更深层的自我。

We cannot understand ourselves and also our deeper self without first understanding the role and the influence of our ego.

它是我们身份的核心部分，我认为理解它如何驱使我们以特定方式行事及对待他人至关重要。

It's a vital part of who we are, and really, I think it's important to understand how it compels us to behave in certain ways and treat others as well.

这一理解的基础在于审视并扎实掌握自我的真正起源与基本原理，因为存在多种不同的解读视角。

Innate to that understanding is examining and having a good grasp of the actual origins and the basics of ego, because there's a few different ways of viewing it.

其中一些观点有益，另一些则不然。我认为，就像大多数被引申为日常使用的心理学概念一样，我们在使用这些术语时，尤其是'自我'一词时，总会存在一定准确性的流失。

Some of them are helpful, some of them are less helpful, and I think with most psychological concepts that have been kind of extrapolated for everyday use, there is always going to be some diffusion of accuracy in how we use these terms, and how we use the term ego and refer to it throughout our daily lives.

首先，让我们区分大众心理学术语和流行文化中对自我的理解，与更深层次的精神分析研究及其本质定义——它的功能、存在意义，因为正如我所说，二者存在巨大差异。

So firstly, let's distinguish between the general psychobabble pop culture understanding of ego, and some of the deeper psychoanalytic research and characterisation of what this is, what purpose it serves, why it exists, because like I said, there is a big difference here.

多年来，心理学家一直在不断定义和重新定义自我这个概念。

Psychologists have been defining and redefining the ego for many, many years.

但我们确实需要从弗洛伊德开始，才能全面理解这个概念最初旨在解释什么。

But we really need to start at Freud to get a good bird's eye view of what it was intended to explain.

弗洛伊德是第一位真正将'自我'概念引入心理学领域的心理学家。

So Freud was the first psychologist to really introduce the idea of ego into this field.

我无法过分强调他关于这个主题的论文在当时乃至今日引发的巨大反响。

And I really cannot overstate the waves that his essay on this created at the time, and still to this day.

可以说他最初的这篇论文可能是心理学领域有史以来最具影响力或最著名的论文之一。

I would say his initial paper on this is possibly one of the most influential or famous papers ever written in the field of psychology.

由于他思想的创新性，这篇论文为后世开创了全新的研究领域和研究方向。

It has created entirely new fields of research and studies for generations because of how novel his ideas really were.

对弗洛伊德而言，我们的自我与自我意识紧密相连。

So for Freud, our ego is really attached to our sense of self.

在拉丁语中，'ego'字面意思就是'我'或'自我'。

And in Latin, ego literally means I or me or self.

所以我们的潜意识，也被称为自我（某种程度上与'ego'同义），受三个因素控制。

So our unconscious mind, also referred to as the self, so in some ways the same as ego, it's controlled by three things.

三个独特的驱动力，它们都在争夺控制权。

Three unique influences who are all striving for control.

首先是自我，然后有本我，最后是超我。

Firstly, the ego, and then we have the id, and finally the superego.

所以后两者在我们的讨论中往往被忽略，因为它们被视为主要角色的次要配角。

So the last two are kind of left out of our conversations on this, because they're seen as kind of secondary characters to the main player here.

本我是我们心智中非常原始、本能且狂野的部分，掌控着诸如攻击性和性冲动这类事物。

So our id is this very primitive, instinctual, wild part of our mind that is in control of things like aggression, like our sexual urges.

它受弗洛伊德所称的快乐原则驱动。

It's driven by what Freud called the pleasure principle.

这是我们许多人试图压抑的那部分心智。

So that's part of our mind which many of us try to suppress.

你知道的，就是那种极度渴望深层原始情感释放、即时满足所有欲望和需求的心理部分，甚至不惜任何代价。

The kind, you know, the part of our mind which is really striving for deep emotional primitive release, the instant gratification of all of our desires, all of our wants and our needs, really at whatever cost.

如果我们任由这一面自由发展，将会对社会造成极大的破坏和混乱。

Now, if we let that side of us run freely, it would be incredibly socially disruptive and chaotic.

这就是超我发挥作用的地方，它是我们心智中潜意识的部分，某种程度上是对抗我们内心狂野、难以驾驭的本能冲动的平衡力量。

So this is where our superego comes in, and this is the subconscious part of our mind that kind of acts as a counterbalance to that really wild, unruly, instinctual part of us.

如果本我在此情境中像是魔鬼，那么超我便如同天使。

So if the id in this situation is kind of the devil, the superego is really the angel.

它是我们所有深层道德本能与向善欲望的守护者。

Kind of the holder of all of our deep moral instincts, our desire to be good.

重要的是，超我承载着那些代代相传的内在道德标准与理想，源自家庭、父母和社会。

And importantly, the superego is what contains all of those internalised moral standards and ideals that have been passed from generation to generation, from our families, our parents, our society.

它正是我们的是非观，试图以某种方式使我们文明化。

It's really our sense of right and wrong that tries to, in some ways, civilize us.

因此本我与超我在我们心智的控制权上展开着深刻的较量。

So the id and the superego are kind of in this deep battle for control of our mind.

而自我在此扮演着家长的角色。

And our ego is the parent here.

自我才是最终的决策者。

Our ego is the final decider.

因此，我们的自我需要做的是平衡这两者，并试图做出某种关于我们如何行动的决定。

So what our ego needs to do is balance both of these things and try and come to some kind of decision about how we act.

我认为如今我们确实将自我与傲慢或过度膨胀的非自然自我价值感等同起来。

And I think these days, we really think of the ego as synonymous with things like arrogance, or a really expanded unnatural sense of self worth.

但对弗洛伊德来说，自我是我们掌控现实的部分。

But for Freud, our ego was the part of us in control of reality.

这部分自我接收来自本我的所有冲动和欲望，以及超我的所有善意，然后做出明智决定，决定我们想如何向世界展现自己，以及我们实际想采取什么行动。

The part of us which takes in all of the urges and the impulses from the id, and then all of the good intentions of the superego, and makes an informed decision about how we want to represent ourselves to the world, what actions we actually want to take.

所以我将快速举一个例子来真正阐明这一点。

So I'm going to give a quick example here to kind of really nail in this point.

假设你与某人约会几个月后，他们做了一些让你非常恼火的事情。

Say you've been dating someone for a few months and they do something that really annoys you.

可能是他们放你鸽子，忘记回复你的短信，喝得烂醉，或者做了些蠢事。

Maybe they stand you up, maybe they forget to text you back, or they get too drunk, or do something stupid.

那一刻，我们必然会感到的愤怒和烦恼将来自本我。

In that moment, the anger and the annoyance that we're bound to feel is going to come from the id.

你内心的这一部分可能真的很想大发雷霆，怒不可遏，甚至想用冷暴力对待对方。

And this part of you might really want to lash out, to be furious, To give them the silent treatment.

做那些能让你一时痛快的事情。

To do the things that might make you feel in the moment a lot better.

但我们知道，长远来看，这些行为很可能会破坏这段关系。

But that we know in the long run are probably actually going to sabotage that relationship.

而在另一边，是我们的超我。

So on the other side, we have our superego.

这部分自我促使我们去原谅，以情感上非常纯粹的方式行事，但有时也可能显得过于被动。

And this is the part of us that is pushing us to forgive, to act in a way that is very emotionally pure, and also at times, perhaps a little bit too passive.

而自我（ego）的作用就是平衡这两种观点，以相当理性、自我实现的方式行动。

And the ego's role here is to balance both of those perspectives and act in a quite rational, self fulfilling way.

所以对弗洛伊德来说，拥有一个强大且受良好约束的自我，意味着具备强烈的自我意识。

So for Freud, having a strong, well checked ego meant having a strong sense of self awareness.

然而，当这种自我变得失衡或与现实脱节时，我们就会开始看到所谓的自我中心行为。

However, when that ego becomes unbalanced or misaligned to our reality, that's when we start to see what we would call egotistical behaviour.

我们未能清晰认识现实以及我们在现实中的角色和位置，某种程度上将自己抬高到可能超出客观实际的水平。

Where we are not really seeing reality and our role and place in reality clearly enough, and we're kind of elevating ourselves beyond perhaps where we actually stand objectively.

这种失衡、过度膨胀的自我，正是与我们当今概念中的自我认知相吻合的。

This unbalanced, overinflated ego is really what's aligned with our present day conceptualisation.

它更多被用作自尊感或自我重要性的同义词。

It's kind of used more as a synonym of our sense of self esteem, or our sense of self importance.

我们如何看待自己与他人的关系，与自身成功、错误的关系，以及我们的自我价值感。

How we see ourselves in relation to others, to our successes, to our mistakes, and our sense of self worth.

这就是我们今天要探讨的视角。

And this is the perspective that we're going to take today.

我们的自我是心灵中所有隐藏层面的结合体——包括不安全感、冲动、价值观和道德观。

Our ego is that combination of all of those hidden aspects of our mind, our insecurities, our urges, our values, our morals.

当它失去平衡时，就会产生那些被社会认为不太可取的行为。

And when it's out of balance, that's when we begin to see those behaviours that society tells us are not particularly desirable.

但我认为重要的是要注意到，所有那些我们视为与自我中心相关的行为，实际上都是潜意识为保护我们而做出的努力。

But I think what's important to note is that all of those behaviours that we see as connected to being egotistical is really an effort by our subconscious mind to protect us.

为了保护我们的现实感，保护我们的自尊心。

To protect our reality, to protect our sense of self esteem.

通过争论、贬低他人、消极攻击、不容忍、责备、竞争、不信任和自我怀疑等方式。

Through things like arguing, or putting others down, or passive aggressiveness, intolerance, blame, competition, distrust, self doubt.

那么，当我们身上这种本属正常且自然的部分失调并占据主导时，会是什么样子呢？

So what does it look like when this part of ourselves that is very normal and natural to have, is dysregulated and in control?

有哪些迹象需要我们警惕，表明我们正陷入某种自我陷阱？

What are some of the signs to watch out for that we're falling into a bit of an ego trap?

我将特别列举六种情况，说明你的自我可能对你的生活掌控过度。

So I'm going to outline six in particular that perhaps your ego has more control of your life than we would like it to.

第一，你发现自己总是需要证明是对的。

Number one, you are noticing that you always need to be right.

本质上，自我是我们内心为平衡自我形象、所有欲望及自我内涵而构建的自我图景。

So the ego is at its core the picture of ourselves that our minds have created to balance our self image, all of our wants, and the contents of the self.

而我们的潜意识希望这种自我感——尤其是积极的自我价值感——能够真正得以维持。

And our subconscious mind wants that sense of self, particularly our positive sense of self esteem, to really be maintained.

因为当它因拒绝或尴尬等事情受伤时，会引发极其深刻的情感和精神痛苦。

Because when it's injured by things like rejection or embarrassment, it can cause really emotional and mental pain that can feel quite profound.

而打破这种平衡、让我们感觉糟糕的事情之一就是犯错，因为这会使我们质疑自己对现实的认知。

And one thing that can challenge that kind of equilibrium and that can make us feel bad is being wrong, because it causes us to question our version of reality.

通常，当我们的自我处于可控状态时，它确实能够接纳这些错误。

Normally, when our ego is in check, it can really take on those mistakes.

犯错和被他人纠正是可以被接受的。

It's okay to be wrong and to be corrected by other people.

我们会谦逊地接受这些。

We take that with humility.

我们会将其融入自己的理解中。

We integrate that into our understanding.

我们可以坦然放下这些。

We're okay to move past that.

但当自我过度膨胀时，我们会变得极度防备。

But when our ego is over inflated, we become incredibly defensive.

我们都有过这样的朋友经历——无论何时何地，对方都非要争个对错。

We all have that experience of being friends with someone who, no matter what, has to be right.

你一犯错，他们就会立刻纠正你。

Who corrects you instantly when you slip up.

我特别喜欢这种说法：那个所谓的朋友，你知道的，就是那种会不停说'其实不对'、'其实应该是这个意思'的人。

I like love this saying of like, the actually friend, you know, well actually that's not right, actually that's what this really means.

这种体验并不愉快。

It's not a pleasant experience.

人们之所以这样表现，是因为他们在投射更深层的不安——他们的自我无法克制这种不安，可能是担心自己不够聪明或缺乏才智，于是通过不断证明自己正确来过度补偿，以此调节自尊。

And the reason people act this way is because they are projecting a deeper insecurity that their ego is unable to keep in check, perhaps that they aren't smart enough, or they aren't intelligent, so they feel the need to overcompensate to regulate their self esteem by always being correct.

这是自我过度膨胀的明显标志，因为健康的自我能够坦然面对错误，而不会让本我和那些不安全感占据主导，做出只为满足'正确'带来的饥渴、需求和快感的行为。

That is a huge sign of an over inflated ego, because the healthy ego would be able to manage being wrong without reacting in a way that lets the id and lets those insecurities take control and really act in a way that satisfies the hunger and the need and the gratification of being right.

第二点：你永远不满足于现有的一切。

Number two: You're never happy with what you have.

如果你总是对自己拥有的感到不满，不断与他人比较、觊觎别人有而你没有的东西，觉得自己理应得到那些，并因此表现出嫉妒或怨恨，这就是自我在掌控的强烈信号。

If you feel constantly dissatisfied with what you have, you're comparing yourself to others, what they have that you don't, feeling like you should be entitled to that, and therefore maybe acting out of a place of jealousy or envy, that's a really huge sign that your ego is in control.

这种理所当然的心态表明，你可能没有给自己足够的挑战、成长空间，同时也缺乏谦逊。

That entitlement is an indicator that perhaps you are not providing yourself with enough challenge, with enough growth, but also with humility.

偶尔陷入一些社会比较是可以理解的，我们知道这是一种与生俱来的生物进化冲动，通过比较来调节自己的期望和行为。

It's okay to sometimes fall victim to a bit of social comparison, we know that it's a very innate biological evolutionary urge to compare ourselves in order to mediate our own expectations and our own behaviour.

但当这种比较源于近乎愤怒的情绪时，就表明你的自我正在寻求某种成功、物质财富或认可，以证明自己足够优秀来支撑自尊。

But when it comes from a place of almost anger, that's what indicates that your ego is looking for some kind of success or material possession or a sign that you are good enough to validate your self esteem.

我们总认为那些比我们更有钱、更多粉丝、更多朋友、穿着更考究或拥有更好物品的人更优越。

We think that people who have more money or more followers or more friends or have those really nice clothes, or better items than us, we think that they are better.

而实际上，我们应该用生活的内涵、情感的充实和满足感来衡量幸福与成功。

When really what we should be measuring our happiness and success by is the contents of our life, of our emotions, of our sense of fulfilment.

这是健康自我才能做到的事。

That's something that the healthy ego can do.

它能反思我们美好的特质和已有的收获。

It can reflect on our beautiful attributes and what we do have.

所以当我们不断觉得理应索取更多、贬低那些比我们优秀的人时，这再次表明自我意识占据了上风。

So when we're constantly feeling entitled to want more, to have more, to tear others down who might be doing better than us, that's again a sign that the ego is in control.

与此非常相似的是，你发现自己比平时更频繁地评判他人。

Very similar to this is that you find yourself judging others more often than usual.

这就是我们所说的向下社会比较。

This is what we call downward social comparison.

当我们通过贬低他人来缓解自身不足感时，自尊心很容易获得短暂提升。

And it's very easy to get a momentary spike in our self esteem when we're feeling inadequate by making others feel worse about themselves.

在心理学中，向下社会比较是一种防御机制，表现为刻意与我们认为处境更差或不如自己的人比较，以此提升自我价值感。

In psychology, downward social comparison is a defensive tendency that occurs when we deliberately compare ourselves to people who we perceive as worse off or worse than us, as a way to elevate our own sense of self worth.

这种心态也可能表现为：认为某些人不配与你交往——不屑与他们交谈、不愿接纳他们为友、拒绝给予他们同情。

This might also manifest in thinking that you're too good for some people, too good to talk to them, too good to include them, to be friends with them, to show them compassion.

说实话这是我最反感的行为之一。

That's honestly one of my biggest pet peeves.

我深信没有人比其他人更高贵。

I have this very deep belief that no one is better than anyone else.

这世上真正不值得你尊重的人寥寥无几。

There are very few people in this world who do not deserve your respect.

要知道，我在大学时遇到过一些人，他们对待我和其他人的方式，对那些他们认为不属于小圈子或不够酷的人嗤之以鼻的态度，给我留下了极其深刻的印象。

You know, I met people when I was at uni, and the way that they treated me, and kind of others as well, and turned their nose up at people who they didn't see as fitting into the in group, or being cool, that left such a powerful impression.

通过贬低他人来获得自我满足感，最终只会一无所获。

You get nothing out of making other people feel bad, just so that you can feel better.

这种快感转瞬即逝，它会让你变得封闭，而且人们会记住你带给他们的感受。

And it's very short lasting, it closes you off, and also people will remember how you made them feel.

我认为这是成为一个善良之人的重要品质。

And I think that's an important part of being a good person and being a good human.

正如我之前提到的，一个真正自信、拥有稳定持久自我认知的人，本不该依赖这类心理或社交手段。

Very similar to what I mentioned before, someone who is sure of themselves, who has a consistent, sustainable sense of self, shouldn't have to rely on these kinds of mental or social tactics.

所以如果你发现自己走在街上就开始评判他人，内心不断评论别人的穿着，挑剔他人的行为，想着'我绝不会穿那个'、'我绝不会那样做'时，请停下来思考：你为何要这么做？

So if you find yourself kind of walking down the street and judging others, almost internally commenting on what they're wearing, critiquing other people's actions, thinking to yourself, I would never wear that, I would never do that, really pull back for a second and contemplate why you're doing that.

这种冲动从何而来？

Where is this urge coming from?

这是你的自尊心在作祟吗？

Is that your ego talking?

这是你自我寻求肯定与安抚的需求在作祟吗？

Is that your ego's need for self assurance and reassurance?

还是这确实反映了你的真实想法？

Or is that actually your reality?

第四点，你无法承受失败。

So number four, you cannot manage failure.

你的自我认知，毫不夸张地说，根本经不起打击。

Your sense of self, quite literally, cannot take it.

失败只会进一步伤害你的自我概念，于是你采取极具自我破坏性的行为。

It would just further injure your self-concept, so you act in ways that are incredibly self sabotaging.

你退缩、拖延、表现出过度的沮丧，以此保护那个脆弱的自我。

You withdraw, you procrastinate, you express undue frustration, as a way of protecting that ego.

与此高度相关的第五点是，当你遭遇失败时，你会归咎他人而非自我反省。

And I think very similarly to this, and number five, is that in those situations where you are experiencing failure, you blame others when things go wrong, rather than taking personal accountability.

心理学上有外控型与内控型人格的区分，这套理论阐述了不同人群如何为挫折寻找不同借口。

So in psychology we have this distinction between an external and an internal locus of control, and it's this theory that articulates how different people will make up different reasons for why something didn't go their way.

具有内控倾向的人，他们相信自己对自己的成功负责，当结果不如预期时，他们能够调整自己的行为。

People with an internal locus of control, they believe that they are responsible for their own successes and they can change things about their behaviour when an outcome is perhaps not what they wanted.

因此当他们遭遇失败时，会正视自己在其中的责任，并从中汲取教训。

So if they encounter failure, they appreciate their own role in that, and what lesson they can take from that experience.

相比之下，具有外控倾向的人会将问题归咎于外部因素。

In contrast, people with an external locus of control, they blame things outside of them.

比如他人、运气、命运或体制不公这些因素。

Factors like other people, like luck, fate, a rigged system.

他们会将所有困境都归罪于这些外在原因。

They blame all of those things for their situation.

并且不认为自己需要为生活中遭遇的状况负责。

And they don't believe that they are accountable for what they're encountering in their life.

这不仅会导致习得性无助，使人贬低自己的主观能动性，同时也再次表明你的自我意识过度膨胀、失衡或占据主导。

Not only does that contribute to learned helplessness, in which people really devalue their own agency, but it also can indicate, once again that your ego is over inflated, unbalanced or in control.

尤其是在为可能伤害自尊心的事情寻找开脱理由时，这种表现尤为明显。

Especially when it comes to finding reasons to excuse things that may hurt your sense of self importance.

如果这不是你的错，你就不必为此感到难过。

You can't feel bad about something if it's not your fault.

所以，如果你的自尊心确实需要保护，它会将那些引发内疚或谦卑的情境归因于我们无法掌控的外部因素。

So if your ego really needs protecting, it will attribute situations that prompt guilt or humility to things that are beyond our realm of agency.

这实际上是我在心理学中最喜欢的概念之一，因为我认为当人们具有外控倾向而非内控倾向时，这种现象在他人身上非常明显。

It's actually one of my favourite concepts in psychology because it's very noticeable I think within others when they have an external lurkers of control versus an internal one.

我经常注意到，有些人会抱怨考试，尤其是那些非常非常难的考试。

Something that I noticed a lot was people who complain about a test, and maybe a test that's like really, really hard.

他们会说自己失败的原因是有人说话太大声，老师出题太难，或者考官、老师故意针对他们。

And they say that the reason they failed was that, you know, someone was talking too loud, that the teacher had made it way too difficult, that the examiner, the teacher had it out for them.

这可能是真的。

That might be true.

有时这些情况确实存在，但也可能是外控倾向在寻找保护自尊和自我价值感的方式。

Sometimes those things are true, but it also might be that that external locus of control is finding a way to protect your self esteem and protect your ego.

自我调节失衡、过度膨胀且不平衡的最后一个迹象就是傲慢。

The final sign of a dysregulated, over inflated, unbalanced ego is arrogance.

并且觉得因为自己拥有某些他人所不具备的特质或独特品质，就理应从生活或他人那里得到更多。

And feeling like you deserve more from life or other people because you have some quality, some unique attribute that others don't have.

我认为这是我们讨论过的其他五个指标中普遍存在的主题，但它值得单独列出，因为傲慢表现得更为明显。

This is a common theme I think throughout those other five indicators we've discussed, but I think it deserves its own spot because arrogance presents itself a lot more overtly.

傲慢的人需要成为关注焦点，他们不喜欢妥协，期待特殊待遇，并且拥有我们所说的优越感。

Arrogant people need to be the centre of attention, they don't like compromise, they expect special treatment, and they have what we would call a superiority complex.

我觉得这很有趣，因为这听起来与某些人格障碍非常相似，尤其是自恋症，实际上有理论认为，长期失调的自我或受伤的潜意识可能是社会中这类人存在的原因。

It's interesting to me because this sounds very similar to certain personality disorders, particularly narcissism, and actually there have been some theories that a permanently dysregulated ego, or an injured subconscious, might actually be behind the existence of these people in our society.

那些过分关注自我重要性的人，他们非常自以为是，在人际交往中相当具有剥削性。

Those who have this preoccupation with their own self importance, they're really entitled, they're interpersonally quite exploitative.

然而，自恋是一种可诊断的障碍，而我们的自我只是我们的一部分，对吧？

Narcissism, however, is a diagnosable disorder, and our ego is just a part of us, right?

有时它可能会过度膨胀，超出我们看似可控的范围，让我们表现得傲慢，但这并不意味着它具有与人格障碍相同的终身影响和地位。

There can be times in which it's over inflated, in which it's acting beyond what appears to be our sense of control, where we are acting from a place of arrogance, but it doesn't mean that it has the same life long implications and the same kind of status as a personality disorder.

而且我们的自我更具可塑性，当它被触发以保护我们时，可以重新调整回来。

Also our ego is a lot more flexible, it can be kind of bended back into check when it's triggered to protect us.

有几种情况可能导致自我认知的暂时性转变或膨胀。

And there's a few things that can do this that might have caused an ego shift or an overinflation just temporarily.

第一是一连串的成功或失败。

Number one is a long string of successes or failures.

这些意外事件会改变我们的现实感和自我价值感，迫使自我进行调整，而调整过程中的延迟正是导致傲慢或膨胀的原因。

These both act as unexpected events that alter our reality and our sense of self worth, and they cause our ego to kind of have to adjust, and that delay is what can cause that arrogance or that overinflation.

比如从分手中恢复时，我们往往会提升自信心，让自我意识膨胀，通过制造自我重要感或特权感来弥补内心深处的伤痛。

Things like bouncing back from a break up, sometimes we really elevate our self confidence or our ego really steps up to the plate and makes us feel a sense of self importance or entitlement to make up for the fact that actually, deep down, we're really quite hurt.

与之非常相似的是那些让你情感上极度不适的处境。

Really similar to that is situations that make you feel really emotionally uncomfortable.

我有个现成的例子。

So I have an example of this.

我有个前任，在他面前我总是感到自卑。

I have this one ex who I have always felt really inferior around.

现在当我在派对或街上偶遇这个人时，由于那些历史遗留的不安全感，我会突然产生一种变成自负怪物的强烈冲动。

And now, when I run into this person at parties or, you know, out in the street, I feel this, like, insane urge to just become an egotistical monster because of all that historical insecurity.

我的反应会变得完全不像平时的自己。

And I respond by being like the complete opposite of who I am.

我总是试图表现得自己过得特别精彩，几乎是在自吹自擂。

I always try and make it seem like I'm doing so amazing and almost like brag about myself.

事后我总会感到非常尴尬，因为那是我很不习惯看到的丑陋一面。

And afterwards I always really cringe because that's a really ugly part of me that I'm not really used to seeing.

这个虚假的自我冒出来试图打动那个人——实际上现阶段我根本不在乎这个人——我现在明白了，那是因为当时的我被那些曾造成情感伤害、让我自我否定的过往事件触发了防御机制，它试图通过营造优越感、特权感或成功假象来保护自己，避免再次面对那个人时产生相同情绪。

This false version of me that's kind of coming out and trying to impress this person who I genuinely could not care less about at this stage, I can see now that that's because my ego in that moment is being triggered by those past events that have caused me emotional pain, that have caused me to feel bad about myself, and so it's trying to create almost a sense of being better, or being entitled, or being successful as a way to protect myself from having to feel those feelings around that person again.

我们的心智会以如此奇妙又无意识的方式运作来保护我们，但有时这种保护机制反而会适得其反，制造更多麻烦。

Our minds operate in such funny, unconscious ways to help us out, and sometimes in trying to help us actually it acts in a really counterproductive, contradictory way and creates more trouble.

有时候我们会误以为自信——就像我在那个情境中的想法——会把自信和自负混为一谈。

And sometimes I think we think that confidence, and I think about that in that situation, we think that confidence and ego are the same things, or we confuse our ego with confidence.

这正是我想深入探讨的关键区别。

And that's a distinction that I really want to explore.

我们该如何区分自己究竟是处于健康的自尊状态，还是被失控的自我意识所支配？

How can we tell the difference between when we're experiencing perhaps just a high self esteem versus an untamed ego?

它们可能感觉非常相似，接下来我真的很想探讨这一点，以及我们如何从基于自我的行为转变为基于自爱、谦逊和同情的行为。

They can feel really similar, I really want to discuss that next, along with how we can shift from acting from a place of ego to a place of self love, humility, and compassion.

所有这些内容及更多，将在短暂休息后继续。

So all of that and more after this short break.

我是罗伯特·史密斯。

I'm Robert Smith.

这位是雅各布·戈尔茨坦。

And this is Jacob Goldstein.

我们曾主持过一档名为《金钱星球》的节目。

And we used to host a show called Planet Money.

现在我们回归制作这档名为《商业历史》的新播客，讲述历史上最伟大的创意、人物和企业。

And now we're back making this new podcast called business history about the best ideas and people and businesses in history.

以及商业史上一些最糟糕的人物、可怕的想法和具有破坏性的公司。

And some of the worst people, horrible ideas, and destructive companies in the history of business.

拥有一个天才想法却没有需求支撑，就毫无价值。

Having a genius idea without a need for it is nothing.

这就像根本没有它一样。

It's like not having it at all.

这是个非常简单而优雅的教训。

It's a very simple, elegant lesson.

制造人们想要的东西。

Make something people want.

第一集：西南航空如何用廉价机票和免费威士忌打入航空业。

First episode, how Southwest Airlines used cheap seats and free whiskey to fight its way into the airline business.

最具德州特色的故事。

The most Texas story ever.

那个故事里有很多特立独行的人。

There's a lot of mavericks in that story.

我们节目里会有特立独行的人物。

We're gonna have mavericks on the show.

我们还会讲述许多强盗大亨的故事。

We're gonna have plenty of robber barons.

这么多强盗大亨。

So many robber barons.

你知道吗？

And you know what?

他们并不都是坏人。

They're not all bad.

我们将讨论一些著名商业天才的经典辉煌时刻，以及那些常被忽视的黑暗时刻，比如托马斯·爱迪生与电椅的故事。

And we'll talk about some of the classic great moments of famous business geniuses along with some of the darker moments that often get overlooked, like Thomas Edison and the electric chair.

在iHeartRadio应用、Apple播客上收听商业历史节目，

Listen to business history on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

或在你获取播客的任何平台收听。

or wherever you get your podcasts.

二十五年来，我一直在探索治愈的意义，不仅为我自己，也与他人同行。

For twenty five years, I've explored what it means to heal, not just for myself, but alongside others.

我是迈克·德拉罗卡。

I'm Mike Della Rocha.

这里是《神圣课程》，一个供反思、成长与集体疗愈的空间。

This is Sacred Lessons, a space for reflection, growth, and collective healing.

你会对那些此刻正受伤的男性说些什么？

What do you tell men that are hurting right now?

一切都会好起来的，你要知道，只需坚持挺过去。

Everything's gonna be okay on the other side, you know, just push through it.

而颇具讽刺意味的是，'精神'一词的词根正是'呼吸'。

And, you know, ironically, the root of the word spirit is breath.

哇。

Wow.

正因如此，我们作为人类能做的最具革命性的行为之一，就是简单地呼吸。

Which is why one of the most revolutionary acts that we can do as people is just breathe.

伤口之侧，必有馈赠。

Next to the wound is there are gifts.

若不经历创伤，便无法发现这些馈赠。

You can't find your gifts unless you go through the wound.

这就是困难之处。

That's the hard thing.

你会想，好吧，我要得到我的礼物。

You think, well, I'm gonna get my gifts.

我不想经历那些痛苦。

I don't wanna go through all that.

你必须穿越生命中的创伤。

You gotta go through the wounds of your life.

听别人讲述濒死体验，他们说的都是这些。

Listening to other people's near death experiences, and it's all they say.

归根结底，爱是答案。

In conclusion, love is the answer.

请收听作为My Kutura播客网络一部分的《神圣课程》，可在iHeartRadio应用、Apple播客或任何你获取播客的地方找到。

Listen to sacred lessons as part of the My Kutura podcast network available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

嗨，我是凯莉，有些人可能知道我是劳拉·温斯洛。

Hey, I'm Kelly, and some of you may know me as Laura Winslow.

我是特尔玛，也被称为瑞秋阿姨。

And I'm Telma, also known as aunt Rachel.

如果这些名字听起来耳熟，那你可能对我们九十年代共同出演的《家庭琐事》这部剧很熟悉。

If those names ring a bell, then you probably are familiar with the show that we were both on back in the nineties called Family Matters.

凯莉和

Kelly and

这些年来我做过很多事，扮演过很多角色，但我们俩

I have done a lot of things and played a lot of roles over the years, but both of

都为能参与《家庭琐事》感到无比自豪。

us are just so proud to have been part of Family Matters.

你知道吗？我们是

Did you know that we were one of

播出时间最长的黑人主演情景喜剧之一？

the longest running sitcoms with a black cast?

拍摄这部剧时，有太多充满欢乐与笑声的时刻，

When we were making the show, there were so many moments filled with joy and laughter and

那些欢乐时光我永远难忘。

cut up that I will never forget.

哦，姐妹，你说得太对了。

Oh, girl, you got that right.

你们给我的那个眼神太有黑人特色了。

The look that you all give me is so black.

所有黑人都懂这种眼神。

All black people know about the look.

在《欢迎回家》每期节目中，我们都会分享制作这部剧的个人感悟。

On each episode of Welcome to the Family, we'll share personal reflections about making the show.

没错。

Yeah.

我们还会邀请部分演员和其他特别嘉宾加入，一起分享欢乐时光，爆料些趣事。

We'll even bring in part of the cast and some other special guests to join in the fun and spill some tea.

欢迎收听由塞尔玛和凯莉主持的《欢迎回家》，可在iHeartRadio应用、Apple播客或任何你获取播客的平台收听。

Listen to welcome to the family with Thelma and Kelly on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

嗨。

Hi.

我是来自幸福实验室的Lori Santos博士。

Doctor Lori Santos from the Happiness Lab here.

现在是给予的季节，因此我的播客正与非营利组织GiveDirectly合作，该组织为极端贫困人群提供所需的现金援助。

It's the season of giving, which is why my podcast is partnering with GiveDirectly, a nonprofit that provides people in extreme poverty with the cash they need.

今年，我们参与了'播客抗击贫困'活动。

This year, we're taking part in the Pods Fight Poverty campaign.

不只是《幸福实验室》参与其中。

And it's not just The Happiness Lab.

我喜爱的一些播客主也加入了进来。

Some of my favorite podcasters are also taking part.

比如《论人生意义》的Jay Shetty、《快乐十分》的Dan Harris、《上帝如何运作》的Dave Disteno等等。

Think Jay Shetty from On Purpose, Dan Harris from Ten Percent Happier, and Dave Disteno from How God Works and more.

我们今年的目标是筹集100万美元，这将帮助卢旺达700多个极端贫困家庭。

Our goal this year is to raise $1,000,000, which will help over 700 families in Rwanda living in extreme poverty.

具体操作是这样的。

Here's how it works.

您向GiveDirectly捐款，他们会直接将现金送到需要帮助的家庭手中。

You donate to give directly, and they put that cash directly into the hands of families in need.

因为这些家庭最清楚自己需要什么——无论是购买牲畜给农场施肥、支付学费，还是创办小生意。

Because those families know best what they need, whether it's buying livestock to fertilize their farm, paying school fees, or starting a small business.

有了这些支持，家庭就能为未来投资，创造持久的改变。

With that support, families can invest in their future and build lasting change.

所以请加入我和您喜爱的播客主，共同参与'播客抗击贫困'行动。

So join me and your favorite podcasters in the Pods Fight Poverty campaign.

访问givedirectly.org/happinesslab了解更多信息并捐款。

Head to givedirectly.org/happinesslab to learn more and make a contribution.

如果您是首次捐赠者，Giving Multiplier还会为您的捐款提供等额匹配。

And if you're a first time donor, Giving Multiplier will even match your gift.

捐款请访问：givedirectly.org/happinesslab

That's givedirectly.org/happinesslab to donate.

我认为自尊与自负之间仅一线之隔。

I think there is a very thin line that separates our self esteem from our ego.

这是我经常思考的问题，尤其作为女性，因为有时我觉得社会总喜欢将我们的自信与自我确信曲解为傲慢。

It's something I contemplate a lot, especially as a woman, because sometimes I think society likes to misconstrue our self confidence and our self assurance as arrogance.

但两者确有区别。

But there is a distinction.

而我认为妖魔化自信实际上无助于安抚我们的自尊心。

And I think villainising self confidence won't actually do anything to soothe our ego.

我们依然可以既保持那些卓越特质——彰显力量、知晓自我价值、拥有稳定的自尊——

I think we can still have those qualities of being really amazing and claiming our power and knowing our worth and having a stable ego.

此外，我认为我们偶尔都需要一点自我激励。

Additionally, I think we all benefit every now and again from a bit of an ego boost.

那种被赞赏或做对事情的感觉很棒。

It's nice to feel like you're admired or you've done something right.

但我们也不愿过分陷入谦卑之中。

And we don't want to fall too deeply into humility.

因为当我们永远无法为自己的成功和辛勤工作获得认可时，这有时实际上会导致更低的自我价值感。

Because that can sometimes actually contribute to poorer self esteem when we can never kind of take credit for our successes and our hard work.

而且我们永远无法接受赞美。

And we can never take a compliment.

这样做并不意味着你的自尊心失控了。

And doing so doesn't mean that your ego is out of control.

你有权为自己的成就感到自豪，而不必试图约束自己，告诉自己要保持谦逊和平静。

You're allowed to feel proud of yourself for your accomplishments without trying to call yourself back into check and tell yourself to be humble and to settle down.

我认为当我们的自尊心真正被激活时，表现出来的感觉会截然不同。

I think when our ego is actually activated, that comes off very very differently.

它表现为自我优越感和傲慢。

It comes off as self entitlement and arrogance.

你知道，那种必须正确的需求，那种评判。

You know, that need to be right, that judgement.

这些都源于与自我深处的脱节。

That is all coming from a deep detachment from ourself.

其核心在于这种不安全感。

At the core is this insecurity.

我的意思是，我们的自我再次作为一种保护机制，防止我们被那些它认为会伤害自我认知的事物所伤。

And what I mean by that is that our ego is once again acting as a way to protect us from being injured by things that it thinks will hurt our sense of self-concept.

此外，这具有很强的关系性，因此它极具比较性，几乎基于他人的存在。

Additionally, it's quite relational, so it's quite comparative and almost based on the existence of others.

所以我们的自我实际上只会在他人面前表现出来。

So our ego only really ever acts out in front of other people.

在他人面前它会表现得非常张扬，因为往往正是在那些情境下，或是当我们感到需要与他人比较时，自我就会被触发。

And it's very loud in the presence of others because it's often in those situations, or when we are put in a position where we feel the need to compare ourselves to others, that our ego is triggered.

于是我们自我美化，像孔雀开屏般炫耀自己。

And so we self enhance, we fluff out our feathers.

这几乎是一种防御机制。

That is almost a defensive mechanism.

相比之下，自信的存在不依赖于他人的行为、意见或在场与否。

In contrast, self confidence exists regardless of the actions, the opinions, or the presence of others.

自我源于内心的不稳定性，而自信则来自于对自我的确定与信任。

Ego comes from that instability within the self, but confidence comes from certainty and trust in our self.

正如我所说，它是独立存在的，对他人的反应无动于衷。

And like I said, it's very separate and irresponsive to others.

自信始终存在，无论他人如何看待你，无论周围是否有人，因为它是一种内在的强化与确认来源，而自我则寻求他人的认可与肯定。

Confidence is always going to be there regardless of what other people think of you, regardless of whether other people are around, because it is an internal source of reinforcement, of validation, compared to ego which is seeking the approval and validation of others.

我认为另一个区别在于，自我是适得其反的，它导致我们的行为与真实自我不符，而自信则源于了解那个真实的自我并安于其中，信任自己的选择和决定。

I think the other distinction is that ego is counterproductive, and it causes us to act in ways that are not aligned to our true selves, whereas self confidence comes from knowing that true self and being comfortable in that, trusting our choices and our decisions.

当自我对现实中的扭曲作出反应时——比如觉得自己比别人优秀，或者有时认为自己不配拥有某些东西——自信则真正植根于真相。

And whilst ego responds to distortions in reality, you know, feeling like we're better than others, or at times that we are maybe undeserving of things, confidence is really rooted in truth.

我知道自己的价值，我知道我是谁，我知道我能带来什么。

I know my value, I know who I am, I know what I bring to the table.

我们可以通过几种方式识别出自我与自信主导时的区别。

And we can recognise the difference and when ego versus confidence is in control, a few ways.

首先，你可以通过自身能量的方向来判断是自我被触发，还是基于自尊作出的反应。

Firstly, you can tell when your ego is triggered versus when you're responding from a place of self esteem based on the direction of your energy.