26. 讨好型人格——如何学会说“不”！

这是一档iHeart播客节目。

This is an iHeart podcast.

真人真声保证。

Guaranteed Human.

父亲传承给儿子、需要儿子去疗愈的循环是什么？

What are the cycles fathers passed down that sons are left to heal?

如果男子气概不是关于强撑一切，而是学会放手呢？

What if being a man wasn't about holding it all together, but learning how to let go?

这是一个让男性吐露真言、寻找疗愈与蜕变力量的空间。

This is a space where men speak truth and find the power to heal and transform.

我是迈克·德拉罗卡。

I'm Mike Della Rocha.

欢迎来到《神圣课程》。

Welcome to sacred lessons.

请在iHeartRadio应用、Apple播客或任何你获取播客的平台收听《神圣课程》。

Listen to sacred lessons on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

如果我们中有一人获胜，我们就都赢了。

If one of us wins, we'll be all win.

我是阿什莉·雷菲尔，《祝你好运》播客的主持人。

I'm Ashley Raifelt, the host of the podcast, good luck with that.

《祝你好运》是一档关于女性及性别多元滑板运动的过去、现在与未来的滑板主题播客。

Good luck with that is a skateboarding podcast about the past, present, and future of women and gender expansive skateboarding.

节目中，我们将与鲍比·德尔菲诺等滑手探讨如何推动风格、文化及行业对话向前发展。

In our show, we'll talk with skaters like Bobby Delfino on pushing style, culture, and the conversation forward.

你撞开了那扇门，现在，请为所有人扶住门。

You break down the door, sick, now, like, hold the door for everyone.

这是我坚定不移的信念。

I believe in that solely.

欢迎在iHeartRadio应用、Apple播客或任何你获取播客的平台收听《祝你好运》。

So listen to good luck with that on iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

这档节目走在了时代前沿。

The show was ahead of its time.

以电视前所未见的方式展现一个黑人家庭。

To represent a black family in ways that television hadn't shown before.

正是如此。

Exactly.

我是特尔玛·霍普金斯，也被称为瑞秋阿姨。

It's Telma Hopkins, also known as aunt Rachel.

我是凯莉·威廉姆斯，也就是劳拉·温斯洛。

And I'm Kelly Williams or Laura Winslow.

在我们的播客《欢迎来到这个家》中，与特尔玛

On our podcast, welcome to the family with Thelma

和凯莉一起，我们将重温《家庭琐事》的每一集。

and Kelly, we're rewatching every episode of family matters.

我们会分享节目制作背后的故事。

We'll share behind the scenes stories about making the show.

没错。

Yeah.

我们还会邀请一些特别嘉宾来爆料些内幕。

We'll even bring in some special guests to spill some tea.

请通过iHeartRadio应用、Apple Podcasts或你获取播客的任何平台，收听《欢迎来到这个家》与塞尔玛和凯莉的节目。

Listen to welcome to the family with Thelma and Kelly on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

大家好，欢迎回到《二十几岁的心理学》，在这档播客中，我们将探讨二十多岁时的重大人生变化与转折，以及它们对我们心理的影响。

Hello, and welcome back to the psychology of your twenties, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology.

大家好，欢迎回到播客节目。

Hello, and welcome back to the podcast, to the show.

希望你一切安好，此刻正感受着被爱、充满动力，并受到生活的启发。

Hope you've been amazing, and you're feeling loved and motivated, inspired by your life at the moment.

我感觉很棒。

I'm feeling great.

但如果不是这样，或许本期节目能解释部分原因。

But if not, well, maybe this episode can explain just an aspect of why that may not be the case.

我猜，如果你正在收听并点击了这期节目，这个话题很可能在多个方面引起了你的共鸣。

I'm guessing if you're listening to this, if you clicked on this, then this topic probably resonates for you in many ways.

那我们就不再浪费宝贵时间了。

So let's not waste any more valuable time.

今天有很多要讨论的内容，但我不想再像几周前那样做一集五十分钟的节目了。

I have a lot to discuss today, but I don't want to make another fifty minute episode like I did a couple weeks ago.

最近我意识到——抱歉。

I've realized recently sorry.

这才刚开始不到一分钟，我又开始东拉西扯了。

Here I go rambling, not even a minute in.

但我发现听完我一期节目的时间，通常和我去本地海滩的耗时差不多——大约二十二到三十分钟。

But I realized that listening to one of my episodes normally takes the same amount of time for me as it does to get to my local beach between twenty two to thirty minutes.

所以我现在尽量把节目做得更短小精悍些。

Hence why I'm trying to keep them more bite sized.

多贴心啊。

How sweet.

是的。

Yes.

我确实会在车里听自己的播客。

I do listen to my own podcast in the car.

是的，这完全是出于专业目的和原因，因为我发布后并不总是会重听，毕竟我有点懒。

And yes, it's strictly for professional purposes and reasons because I don't always listen over them when I press publish because I am lazy.

所以我之后得补上该做的功课。

So I have to do my due diligence later on.

总之，今天我们要讨论的是讨好型人格。

Anyhow, today we're talking about people pleasing.

它是什么，如何打破这种循环，它给我们带来的麻烦，以及为什么你总因不愿拒绝而自我设限。

What it is, how to break the cycle, the trouble it gets us into, and why you're kind of getting in your own way by refusing to say no.

这期节目的灵感来源于我和挚友艾琳的多次交谈，她也是我最忠实的听众之一。

This episode was inspired by many conversations with one of my bestest of friends, Erin, and one of my most loyal listeners.

天啊。

Oh my gosh.

我想她了。

I miss her.

我太想她了，如果你在听的话——你很可能正在听——向你致敬。

I miss her so much, but shout out if you're listening, which you probably are.

很快就能见到你。

I'll see you soon.

但我们经常聊这个，因为我觉得这是我们俩都频繁陷入的一种行为模式。

But we chat about this a lot because I think it's a behavioral pattern we both fall into quite frequently.

最近又提起这事，是因为她来悉尼给我过生日时，我谈到自己几乎感到焦虑——因为即便我自己没玩开心（抱歉），我也希望其他人能玩得尽兴。

And it came up recently because she was up in Sydney for my birthday, and while she was here, I was talking about how I was like almost anxious because if I didn't enjoy myself even if I didn't enjoy myself, sorry.

我希望他们都能非常开心。

I wanted everyone else to be having a really good time.

我希望他们感到快乐。

I wanted them to be happy.

然后她说：'杰玛，这简直是把取悦他人做到极致了'。

And she said, Gemma, that's people pleasing to a tee.

所以现在我们做了这期相关节目。

And here we are doing an episode on it.

系好安全带，准备学习吧。

Strap in and get ready to learn.

近年来，讨好型人格的概念在流行文化和心理学流行文化中呈稳步上升趋势。

The idea of people pleasing has had a pretty steady rise in pop culture and psychology pop culture, I guess, these last few years.

我认为这可能是由于心理学应用日益个性化的趋势，以及对我们生活中自我成长和自我意识关注的视角转变。

I think probably due to the increasingly individual nature, the trend, kind or of perspective of psychology in its applications to our lives and the focus on self growth and self awareness.

而且讨好型人格这个概念本身也相当新近。

And the idea is also quite a recent one, the idea of people pleasing.

当然，这种行为模式早已存在。

Obviously, the behavior has been around for a while.

只是我们之前可能没有专门命名它，但甚至还有相关的诗歌被创作出来。

We just haven't always, I guess, had a name for it, but there have even been, like, poems written about it.

其中一首诗相当戏剧性。

So one is pretty dramatic.

我在准备这期节目时发现的，觉得特别有趣。

I found it when I was researching this episode, and I thought it was quite funny.

等等。

Wait.

让我读一行。

Let me read a line.

它在哪？

Where is it?

我总是答应，从不说拒绝，咽下伤痛，不让情绪外泄。

I always say yes, can never say no, swallow or hurt, let no feelings show.

他恶语相向，骂我是猪猡之子。

He insulted me badly, called me the son of a boar.

我却逆来顺受，说着‘踢我吧，再多踢几次’。

I just rolled over saying, kick me, kick me more.

这是诗人艾伦·布鲁斯·汤普森笔下极富戏剧性的诗句。

Some very dramatic lines from that poet, Alan Bruce Thompson.

谢谢。

Thank you.

谢谢

Thank you

为了你这鼓舞人心——即便有些压抑的歌词，艾伦。

for your inspiring, if not depressing lyric, Alan.

但我不明白自己为何要那么说。

But I don't know why I said that.

不过我觉得这挺有意思的。

But I think it's just interesting.

我不明白为何要引用研究时遇到的这首诗，但我想这正说明了这种行为存在于人际交往话题中的历史有多悠久。

I don't know why I felt the need to cite poem that I had in my research, but I think it's just an indicator of how long this behavior has kind of been part of a dialogue around our interactions with other people.

而讨好型人格如今已成为流行词，以至于——你猜怎么着——它甚至在WebMD上有了专属页面。

And people pleasing has become such a popular term though that it has wait for it, its own WebMD page.

是的女士们先生们，就是那个你常去查头痛会不会是...癌症的网站？

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you know the site you go to check if your headache may be, I don't know, cancer?

现在那个网站还能诊断你是否患有讨好型人格了。

Well, that site can now diagnose you with people pleasing.

它还启发了不少心理学著作，比如《取悦病》和《当一切从不关乎你》，这些书名几乎和我们朋友艾伦的诗一样戏剧化。

It's also inspired numerous psychology books such as The Disease to Please and When It's Never About You, titles that are almost as dramatic as our friend Alan's poem.

但你应该明白大意了。

But you get the gist.

讨好型人格如今已成为日常心理学术语中相当普遍的一部分。

People pleasing is now a pretty common popular part of daily psychobabble.

那么什么是讨好型人格呢？

So what is people pleasing?

没错。

Yes.

虽然名称已经说明了一切，但就像我们这档播客一贯的作风，让我们再深入探讨一下。

It does kind of say it all in the name, but let's dig a little deeper as we tend to do in this podcast.

本质上，讨好者就是那些无法与他人保持清晰界限，基本上会不惜一切代价让他人开心的人。

Essentially, people pleasers are those who cannot maintain clear boundaries with others and do really whatever it takes, essentially, to make other people happy.

他们通常高度关注他人需求，被认为随和、乐于助人、非常友善。

They're often highly attuned to others and seen as agreeable, helpful, really kind.

然而，讨好型人格者可能在为自己发声方面存在困难，这可能导致一种相当有害的自我牺牲和自我忽视的模式。

However, people pleasers may have trouble advocating for themselves, which can lead to a pretty harmful pattern of self sacrifice and self neglect.

我认为，虽然乐于助人和亲社会行为通常被视为积极品质，某种程度上也符合这种根深蒂固的利他主义规范，但当我们开始将自己置于他人需求之次时，最终难免会感到精疲力竭和焦虑不安。

I think whilst it's generally seen as a positive attribute to want to help others and act prosocially, and in a way that kind of aligns with this entrenched altruistic norm, when we begin to see ourselves as second to the needs of others, you will inevitably end up depleted and anxious.

你还往往会与自我产生疏离感，变得无法识别或表达你在某种情境中或从生活中他人那里需要什么。

And you also tend to experience disconnect with yourself and become unable to recognize or express what you need from a situation or from others in your lives.

就像我已经提到的，讨好型人格的一个关键要素在于，它通常超越了单纯的善意。

Like I've kind of said already, a key element of people pleasing is that it generally goes beyond simple kindness.

它涉及为了他人的感受或反应而修改或改变言行。

It involves, you know, editing or altering words and behaviors for the sake of another person's feelings or reactions.

这是美国俄勒冈大学的治疗师埃里卡·迈耶斯的解释。

And that was explained by Erica Myers, and she's a therapist in The US at the University of Oregon.

这是她另外要说的内容。

This is what else she kind of had to say.

你可能会不遗余力地根据你假设的生活中人们想要或需要的东西去为他们做事，并牺牲自己的时间和精力来让他们喜欢你，更爱你。

You might go out of your way to do things for the people in your life based on what you assume what you assume they want or need, and you give up your time and energy to get them to like you, to get them to love you more.

迈尔斯表示，这就是人们取悦他人的方式。

And Myers says that this is how people plea people ple people pleasing.

这有点拗口。

It's a bit of a tongue twister.

取悦他人如何会引发问题。

How people pleasing can cause trouble.

当我们把他人的欲望置于自身需求之上，当我们试图揣测他人期望却不相信他们能为自己发声时，这种取悦他人的冲动会伤害自己，也可能损害人际关系。

The urge to please others can be damaging to ourselves and potentially to our relationships when we allow other people's wants to have more importance than our own needs, and when we try to anticipate what others want from us without trusting that they can advocate for themselves.

一个众所周知的经验法则是：关系应该是平等的，有来有往。

It's a pretty well known rule of thumb that relationships, they should be equal, give and take.

我认为之前关于讨好型人格的概述，并不意味着你永远不能帮助他人，因为可能会把自己放在次要位置。

I think that's the I think that the previous overview of people pleasing, it shouldn't be taken to mean that you can never offer assistance to others because you might be placing your second.

不是的。

No.

关键在于平衡，宝贝。

It's all about balance, baby.

我发现取悦他人行为最有趣的一点是，我们的大脑如何自我劫持——不仅更擅长识别他人需求而非自身需求，还乐于牺牲自我去满足他人。

What I find really interesting with people pleasing behaviors is how our brain literally hijacks itself to not only be better at recognizing other people's needs over our own, but happy to do things for others at our own expense.

这既违反直觉，也违背了进化论中的生存理念。

It's so counterintuitive and counter to kind of an evolutionary idea of survival.

以下是典型的讨好型人格特征（不只是乐于帮助朋友、伴侣或邻居，而是彻底的讨好者）：

So here are some pretty typical indicators of being a people pleaser, not just someone who's happy to help a friend or partner or, you know, a neighbor out, but a full blown people pleaser.

你难以开口拒绝他人。

So you have a difficult time saying no.

你过度在意他人对你的看法（这点我们稍后会详细讨论）。

You're preoccupied with what others might think of you, which we're going to talk about a lot later on.

拒绝别人时会感到内疚。

You feel guilty when you have to tell people no.

你担心拒绝会让人认为你自私。

You fear that turning people down will make them think that you are selfish.

你会同意自己不喜欢的事，或做自己不愿意做的事。

You agree to things that you don't like or do things that you don't wanna do.

这在我的某些朋友中很常见，他们报名参加活动或主动帮助朋友，而实际上他们需要的是一些独处时间。

This is really common with some of my friends, you know, they sign up for things or they offer to help a friend out, and they just really need, you know, some alone time.

这并不是他们需要去更多地社交。

It's not what they need to go and socialize more.

你可能会与自尊心低下的感受作斗争。

You might struggle with feelings of low self esteem.

你希望别人喜欢你，并觉得为他们做事在某种程度上能赢得他们的认可。

You want people to like you, and you feel that doing things for them will, in some ways, earn their approval.

你总是对人说抱歉，甚至在不该你负责的事情上揽责。

You're always telling people sorry, and you're taking blame for things even when it isn't your fault.

想想看，如果你不断为事情道歉，总是陷入大脑制造的内疚陷阱，或过度在意他人看法而无法真正考虑自己，那会是怎样的生活。

And think about what kind of life that would entail if you're constantly apologizing for things, always in the guilt trap our brains have created, or being so preoccupied with what others think that you can't really ever seem to consider yourself.

心理学家和研究人员发现讨好型人格与社交焦虑、强迫症和抑郁症等障碍之间存在大量已知联系，这并不令人惊讶。

And it's no surprise that psychologists and researchers have found heaps of known links between people pleasing and disorders like social anxiety, OCD, and depression.

那么这种行为从何而来呢？

So where does this type of behaviour come from?

稍后我想深入探讨一些非常有趣的关联，主要是关于创伤与性别方面的。

I want to jump into some very interesting links later on, mainly around trauma and gender.

但在那之前，我们先来谈谈取悦他人行为的一些更典型成因。

But before then, let's talk about some of the more typical causes of people pleasing behaviour.

首先，虽然我们在之前的迹象中已经讨论过，但低自尊仍是重要原因。

So firstly, and we've talked about this in some of the indicators, but poor self esteem.

有些人表现出取悦行为，是因为他们不重视自己的欲望和需求。

So sometimes people engage in people pleasing behaviour because they don't value their own desires and needs.

可能由于缺乏自信，讨好者需要外部认可，他们可能认为为他人做事会获得赞许和接纳。

Perhaps due to a lack of self confidence, people pleasers have a need for external validation, and they may feel that doing things for others will lead to approval and acceptance.

取悦行为并非总是善意的表达，它源于对社会安全感缺失的渴望，是普遍性被抛弃恐惧的症状，这种恐惧通常源于我们与父母或照顾者的关系，以及整体的自尊感。

People pleasing behaviour is not always an expression of goodwill it comes from a longing to feel socially secure, and it's a symptom of a generalised fear of abandonment, which usually comes from the relationships we have with our parents or our caregivers, and a general sense of self esteem.

心理学中还有另一个概念叫做自我效能感。

So this this other idea in psychology called self efficacy.

也就是自尊与自我效能感。

So self esteem and self efficacy.

自我效能感指的是个体对自己执行必要行为以实现特定绩效成就的能力的信念。

Self efficacy refers to an individual's belief in their capacity to execute behaviors necessary to produce specific performance attainments.

简而言之，它反映了你对自己掌控自身动机、社交环境及关系健康能力的信心。

So, basically, it kind of reflects your confidence in your ability to exert control over your own motivations, your social environment, and the health of your relationship.

关于自我效能感最有趣的是，研究人员至今未能确定这种关系的方向性——即究竟是低自我效能感还是高自我效能感更容易导致讨好型人格倾向。

So what's really interesting about self efficacy is that researchers haven't yet been able to turn to determine the direction of that relationship, so whether low or high self efficacy contributes to people pleasing tendencies more.

一方面，如果你觉得自己对人际关系质量有很强掌控力，你可能更倾向于采取讨好行为，因为这是你的控制策略之一。

So on one hand, if you feel like you do have a lot of control over the quality of your relationships, you may be more likely to engage in people pleasing behaviours because that's one of your tactics for control.

但相反，若感觉缺乏掌控力，则可能导致你过度补偿性地不断帮助他人。

But in contrast, feeling like you don't have a lot of control may lead you to overcompensate and try to constantly help others.

若有人能解答这个难题——关于自我效能感与讨好行为之间的关联，请务必告知心理学界。

If anyone has the answers to that conundrum, the link between self efficacy and people pleasing behaviours, please let the psychological community know.

他们会对此非常感兴趣。

They'd be very interested.

完美主义是讨好型人格另一个极其重要的决定性因素。

Perfectionism is another huge, huge determining factor of people pleasing.

我们在播客里已经多次讨论过这个话题了。

We've talked about this many times before on the podcast.

它总是反复出现。

It comes up all the time.

但有时候人们希望一切都能恰到好处，包括他人对自己的看法和感受。

But sometimes people want everything to be just so, including how other people think and feel about them.

帮助他人、优先考虑他们，会让你显得更讨人喜欢，并让这些人留在你的生活中。

Helping others, prioritising them, makes you seem more likable and keeps those people in your life.

这会营造出一种完美社交圈的假象，我想，还有一种完美人生的错觉。

And this gives the perception of a perfect social circle and, I guess, a perfect life.

讨好型人格与完美主义，都源于自我（ego）。

And people pleading and perfectionism, they both come from the ego.

对于那些不太熟悉弗洛伊德自我概念的人——这里的自我与我们通常理解的傲慢自大不同——让我解释一下。

So for those who aren't so familiar with this Freudian idea of the ego, which is different from our normal, you know, conception of the ego as, like, the arrogant part of ourselves, let me explain.

根据弗洛伊德理论，人类心理有三个核心要素：本我、自我和超我。

So according to Freudian theory, there are three core elements of the human psyche: the id, the ego, and the superego.

自我代表的是当下的我们。

So the ego is who we are in the present.

它是我们通过行为表达所创造的现实。

It's the reality created by the behaviors that we express.

而超我与本我，它们就像是站在你肩头的魔鬼与天使。

And the superego and the id, they're kind of like the devil and the angel on your shoulder.

超我代表纯粹的道德和社会对我们的期望，它是潜意识或心灵中代表良知、引导正确行为的部分，也是自我批评的来源。

The superego represents pure morality and what society would expect us to do, and the superego is part of the unconscious mind or the psyche that is kind of the voice of conscience and doing what is right, and it's also the source of self criticism.

相比之下，这个狡猾的本我是人格中原始、本能的组成部分。

In contrast, this sneaky little id is the primitive, instinctive component of your personality.

那些侵入性想法正是源自于此。

It's where, intrusive thoughts come from.

它包含着我们的欲望、冲动，弗洛伊德认为我们的即时反应都诞生于此。

It contains, like, our urges, our impulses, and it's where Freud argues our immediate reactions are born.

于是我们来到自我，自我是你心智中在意他人看法的部分。

So then we arrive at the ego, and the ego is the part of your mind that cares about what others think.

它某种程度上参与了我们被社会规训出的纯粹道德与内心真实欲望之间的平衡行为。

And it is kind of involved in that balancing act between our pure morals that have been conditioned into us by society, and then what we really want to do.

自我意识就是我们思考自身时所觉察的部分，也是我们通常试图向他人展现的形象。

And it's what the ego is what we are aware of when we think about ourselves, and it's what we usually try to project towards others.

这就是讨好型行为的根源所在。

So this is where people pleasing behaviours come from.

它源于我们大脑中能够意识到他人对我们的看法、并希望被人认可的那部分心理机制。

It comes from the part of our brain or our mind that recognises that we can be perceived by others and wants people to like what they see.

正因为这种被他人感知的认知，我们才会竭力取悦他人。

Because of that, because of that recognition of perception, we strive to make others happy.

当我们的自我无法在超我与本我之间取得恰当平衡时，就会表现出难以拒绝他人、病态般过度寻求外界认可的那一面。

And when our ego doesn't strike the balance or the correct balance between the superego and the id, the side of us that makes it hard to say no and seeks excessive validation obsessively from others obsessively from others.

是的。

Yes.

正是这部分会突然显现出来。

That's the part that kind of roars its head.

正如我所说，完美主义是与讨好他人密切相关的核心特质，但在我们这些更在意取悦他人的人群中，还存在另一个极其普遍的特征，称为社会依赖型人格。

And like I said, perfectionism, it's a pretty core aspect linked to people pleasing, but there is another aspect that's super common amongst those of us who are more concerned with making others happy, and it's called sociotrophy.

社会依赖型人格是指过度重视人际关系而牺牲个人独立性的倾向。

Sociotrophy is the tendency to place an inordinate value on our relationships over personal independence.

因此它与过度独立或自主形成鲜明对比——后者关注的是个人成就和对日常生活的掌控，而非他人对你的看法。

So it's in direct contrast to, I guess, excessive independence or autonomy, which is a concern with personal achievement and control over your daily life rather than what other people think of you.

具有这种社会依赖特质的人往往对社会认同有强烈需求，这导致他们会对那些并不亲密甚至不喜欢的人过度关怀。

So people with this trait, sociotrophy, tend to have strong needs for social acceptance, which is what causes them to be overly nurturant towards people who they may not even have a close relationship with or people they might not even like.

从基本层面可以看出，这种人格特质为何会使人更容易陷入讨好他人的模式，形成那种为他人不断妥协的顺从性。

And we can really see from kind of a very basic viewpoint why a personality trait such as this would make you more predisposed to people pleasing and that constant, like, kind of agreeableness for the sake of others.

虽然不直接关联讨好行为，但理解这种性格特征仍颇具意义。

Whilst not specifically linked to people pleasing, but something interesting nonetheless, is understanding this character trait.

社会依赖型人格者在需要自我控制的情境中，其反应也与低特质人群截然不同。

So people with sociotrophy, they also tend to react really differently than those low on this trait in situations that involve self control.

在一项实验中，研究人员让高社会依赖特质者与一名演员共进晚餐。

So in one experiment, they had people who were rated high on the trait of sociotrophy share a meal with another person who was actually an actor.

这名演员被指示要么暴饮暴食，要么吃得很少，要么完全不吃。

And this actor was instructed to either overeat, undereat, or not eat at all.

实验中具有社交依赖特质的个体，当他们相信这样做会让对方感到更自在时，会摄入更多食物，或试图模仿同伴的饮食习惯。

Sociotropic individuals in this experiment, they consume more food, or they try and match a peer's eating habits when they believe that doing so will make that person feel more comfortable.

这通常被推测为个体试图获得社会认可并避免社交排斥的结果。

And this is often hypothesized as being the result of the individual attempting to achieve social approval and avoid social rejection.

社会压力和依赖性可能导致个体自我控制力的丧失，尤其是当他们没有意识到自己对社交认可的渴望时。

The social pressure and dependence can cause a loss of self control in an individual, especially if they are unaware of their desire for social acceptance.

关键在于，众多研究实验反复表明，社交依赖特质与女性性别角色取向存在相关性，而讨好型行为的普遍性也呈现出类似的关联。

Now, crucially, sociotrophy has been correlated with feminine or female sex role orientations in many research experiments again and again, and naturally, the prevalence of people pleasing behaviours show a similar correlation.

因此，讨好型行为在女性中比男性更为常见，我想这一点我们可能早有预料。

So people pleasing is more commonly presented in women over men, which I think we could probably have assumed.

最近一项研究发现，59%的女性参与者表现出这种行为，而仅有约38%的男性显示出类似倾向。

One recent study found this behavior to be exhibited in the majority of female participants, fifty nine percent, whilst only a minority of men, I think around thirty eight percent, showed similar tendencies.

因此，女性正因这些行为在心理和生理健康方面承受着更严重的不良影响。

As a result, women are suffering from greater adverse effects on both their mental and physical health from these behaviours.

女性所感受到的取悦他人的压力非常真实，这源于历史上关于女性行为及其社会角色的诸多规范。

The pressure that women feel to be people pleasers is very real, and it comes from a lot of historical norms around female behaviour and their role in society.

由于女性未来预期扮演的母亲角色，她们在很早就被培养成照顾者，并被要求更慷慨地付出时间和精力。

Women are conditioned really early to be caregivers and more generous with their time and energy because of their, you know, expectant future role as mothers.

即使你没有孩子，你也能看到社会中其他女性的行为方式，以及她们被要求做出的牺牲与男性相比有多悬殊。

Even if you don't have children, you see how other women in society act, and the amount of sacrifices they're asked to make compared to their male counterparts.

而这些牺牲中有许多都与取悦他人的行为密切相关。

And a lot of these sacrifices are tied to people pleasing behaviours.

这完全是个人观察，但我很多女性朋友都难以开口拒绝别人。

This is entirely anecdotal, but a lot of my female friends, they struggle saying no.

她们难以在工作中、与伴侣或朋友之间设立界限，永远没有空闲时间，因为总有事情要为别人做或陪别人做。

They struggle establishing boundaries at work with partners and their friends, never having free time because they always have things to do with or for other people.

我并不是说这完全是性别问题，但研究数据不会说谎。

And I'm not saying it's a purely gendered thing, but the research doesn't lie.

你明白吗？

You know?

这是个男人的世界。

It's a man's world.

女性若不表现出讨好行为，便难以在其中立足。

Women are just holding it up without people pleasing behaviors.

正如我们提到的，讨好行为往往导致被人利用，这就是为什么二十多岁时学会设立界限、优先考虑自己至关重要。

People pleasing behaviors, as we've kind of mentioned, they often lead to people taking advantage of you, which is why our twenties are such a formative year for setting those boundaries and putting ourselves first.

有些人特别擅长利用这点，尤其是反社会者和自恋狂。

Some people are really good, specifically sociopaths and narcissists.

他们极擅长识别并利用那些有讨好倾向的人。

They're really good at recognizing and taking advantage of people who display people pleasing tendencies.

他们或许说不出这种行为叫什么，但清楚你会答应他们的任何要求。

They may not be able to name their behavior, but they do know that you agree to whatever they ask.

于是他们不断索取，而你不断答应，只为维持他们的满意。

So they'll keep on asking, and you keep saying yes because you want to keep them happy.

这会让你面临更高风险，比如被操纵、精神或情感虐待，甚至因他人索要金钱援助而陷入财务困境。

And this can put you at higher risk of, you know, manipulation or mental or emotional abuse, even financial problems if people ask you for, you know, monetary assistance.

我们之前也讨论过这一点，但建立长期关系确实可能是个巨大挑战。

We've talked about this a bit as well, but it can also be a real challenge to establishing long term relationships.

健康、稳固的关系，尤其是恋爱关系，需要平衡与相互付出。

Healthy, strong, especially romantic relationships, they're balanced and they involve give and take.

你为所爱之人付出，他们也会同样回馈于你。

You do nice things for your loved ones and they do the same for you.

如果你觉得只有通过过度讨好才能获得他人喜爱，这样的恋爱关系很难令人满足。

You probably won't have very fulfilling romantic relationships when you feel like people will only like you if you do nice, excessive things for them.

爱意不是商品。当你不断付出只为扮演对方理想中的形象时，你展现的并非真实的自己。

Affection, it's not a commodity When all you do is give to others to present yourself as the person you think they want, you're not showing up in the relationship as yourself.

若你从未在关系中真实存在，这样的关系不仅难以维系，更无法带来满足感。

And it's difficult to maintain, much less feel satisfied with, when you aren't actually present in your relationship.

如果你不得不通过惨痛教训才明白这点，我深感抱歉——但为伴侣或爱人倾尽所有，以为这样能换取更多爱意，无论是过度付出、任其践踏底线，都永远不会让对方更爱你。

Also, I'm super, super sorry if if you've had to learn this the hard way, but giving everything to other people, especially a partner or someone you love, thinking it will make them love you, doing things for them, going out of your way to constantly serve them, teaching them things, buying them things, letting them walk all over you will never convince them to love you more.

我知道这正是讨好型人格在恋爱中的表现根源：你以为通过更多牺牲换取对方快乐，就能成为他们不可或缺的人。

And I know that can be where some of these people pleasing behaviors romantic relationships can come from, because you think that if you give more and sacrifice more for their happiness, you'll become someone they can't live without.

他们终会回心转意，认识到你的好——但这种情况永远不会发生。

They'll turn around, they'll recognize how amazing you are, and it's just never going to be the case.

这个道理我反复领教过。

I've learned this time and time again.

从未改变。

It never changes.

要么他们意识不到，要么就单纯觉得你喜欢这么做吧。

Either they don't recognise it or they just assume that you like doing it, I guess.

我知道这些话听起来都不太中听。

None of this is looking particularly pretty, I know.

那我们该如何改变这种讨好型人格的倾向，给自己一条生路？

So how do we change it and get out of our own way with these people pleasing tendencies?

首先，只在真心想表达善意时才行动。

Firstly, show kindness when you mean it.

保持善意不仅完全没问题，而且对心理健康非常有益。

It's perfectly fine and even a really good thing for your mental health to practice kindness.

但善意并非源于渴望获得认可，它通常不涉及任何超越希望改善他人处境的动机。

But kindness, it doesn't come from a desire to earn approval, and it generally doesn't involve any motive beyond wanting to make things better for someone else.

在你提供肯定或帮助之前，先考虑你的意图以及这个行为会让你感觉如何。

Before you offer, you know, words of affirmation or help, consider your intentions and how that act will make you feel.

帮助他人的机会是否给你带来快乐？

Does the opportunity to help someone else bring you joy?

还是你认为这会让你心生怨恨？

Or do you think it's gonna make you resentful?

或者你会感到不被赏识？

Or are gonna feel unappreciated?

练习把自己放在首位。

Practice putting yourself first.

你需要精力和情感资源来帮助他人。

You need energy and emotional resources to help others.

如果你不照顾好自己，未来你将无法为他人做任何事。

And if you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able or capable of doing anything for anyone else in the future.

把自己的需求放在首位并不自私。

Putting your needs first isn't selfish.

这其实很健康。

It's quite healthy.

要知道，做一个乐于付出、关心他人的人固然好，但重视并照顾好自己的需求同样重要。

You know, it's okay to be a giving, caring person, but it's also important to honor and tend to our own needs.

请记住，这些需求可能包括：在工作会议上表达观点、坦然面对自己的情绪感受，以及在关系中提出你的需求。

Keep in mind that needs can involve things like offering your opinion in a work meeting, getting comfortable with your emotions feelings, and asking for what you need in your relationship.

这样做往往利大于弊。

That can sometimes do more good than bad.

为自己发声，不仅对你自己更有益，也能让周围的人清楚你的立场，这对他们同样有益。

Speaking up for yourself, and not just more good for yourself, but more good for those around you if they know where you stand.

我们一再强调，要学会设定界限。

We've said it again and again, but learn to set boundaries.

根据心理学家迈尔斯的观点，建立健康的界限不仅是克服讨好型行为的关键一步，更是建立任何健康长期关系的重要基础。

So according to this psychologist, Myers, developing healthy boundaries is a pretty important step not just in overcoming people pleasing behaviours, but for setting up any kind of healthy long term relationship.

下次有人求助或你想插手时，先考虑三件事。

The next time someone asks for help or you're tempted to intervene, consider three things.

你对这件事感觉如何？

How do you feel about the action?

这是你真心想做的，还是勉强为之？

Is it something you want to do, or are you dreading it?

你随时可以拒绝。

You can always just say no.

你随时可以退出。

You can always back out.

除了自己，你不欠任何人时间和精力。

You don't owe your time or your energy to anyone but yourself.

先想想是否有时间满足自己的需求。

Think about whether you have time to see to your own needs first.

帮助对方是否意味着要牺牲自己的时间、必要事务或期待之事？

Will you have to sacrifice your own time or a necessary chore, or something you're looking forward to helping this other person?

而帮助他人会让你感觉如何？

And how will helping make you feel?

这会让你感到快乐，还是会让你心生怨恨？

Will it make you feel happy, or will it make you feel resentful?

最后，等到有人向你求助时再行动。

Finally, wait until you are asked for help.

无论问题是什么，你知道，如果你是个讨好型人格的人，你总是随时准备提供解决方案。

No matter what the problem is, you know, if you're a people pleaser, you're always ready with a solution.

你在工作中主动揽活。

You volunteer for things at work.

当朋友提到任何问题时，你会立刻跳出来提建议。

You jump in with suggestions when a friend, you know, mentions any kind of problem.

主动提出帮助他们。

Offer to help them out.

下次，挑战自己等到有人明确向你求助时再行动。

Next time, challenge yourself to wait until someone explicitly asks you for help.

如果你的伴侣开始抱怨他们的老板有多糟糕，或者某个朋友有多差劲，表达关心的方式是倾听，而不是立即给出应对建议或主动提供他们可能并不需要的帮助。

If your partner, I don't know, goes off on a rant about how awful their boss is or how shitty one of their friends is, show how much you care by listening instead of, you know, listing off tips to deal with the situation or offering to do something that they might not even need you to do.

他们可能更需要的是同理心和情感认同，而非实质帮助——这往往不需要你投入金钱、个人精力、时间或其他有限资源。

They may want empathy and just validation more than anything else, and probably involves a lot less from you financially, personally, in terms of your time, and a lot of other limited resources.

希望你喜欢这期更短小精悍的节目。

I hope you enjoyed this more bite sized episode.

我正在尝试调整每期节目的时长，比如制作些更短或更长的内容——没错就是字面意思。

I'm trying to get into the habit of kind of varying how long the episodes are, like shorter, longer, that's literally what I just said.

但你应该懂我的意思，这样能保持内容多样性，不必总是听五十分钟可能根本不感兴趣的长篇大论。

But you get my gist, just so that there's a bit of variety and you don't have to sit back and listen to some fifty minute ramble about things you might not even care about.

直入主题吧Gemma，我懂的。

Get to the point Gemma, I understand.

下周我们将探讨爱的语言这个话题。

Next week we're going to talk about love languages.

多年来我常与朋友讨论这个理论，最近开始思考它是否真的能有效评估恋爱关系中的需求。

I have been discussing this with my friends for years and I kind of started to think whether they're valid, whether they're actually a reliable tool for assessing what you need in a relationship.

我们最近做了很多关于恋爱关系的播客节目。

We're doing a lot of relationship based podcasts at the moment.

我也是刚刚才意识到这一点。

I also just realized that recently as well.

我也不知道。

I don't know.

只是最近对社会心理学特别着迷。

I'm just really into the social psychology at the moment.

这个领域真的既引人入胜又非常有趣。

It's just really quite tantalizing and very interesting.

所以你的订阅里会出现更多这类人际主题的节目。

Hence why you're seeing a lot more of those people focused episodes on your feed.

如果你不喜欢也没关系。

If you don't like it, that's okay.

更多积极心理学和生物心理学的内容很快就会回归。

More of the positivism and more of the biological psychology is coming back soon.

但这是一个关于二十多岁的播客，我认为我们在二十多岁时建立的关系可能是其中最重要的方面之一。

But this is a podcast about your twenties and the relationships we form in our twenties are, I think, probably one of the most important aspects.

另外，我每期都会说，如果你已经听到这里，请——如果你愿意的话，如果你有多余的五秒钟，真的，五秒、十秒，在Spotify或苹果播客上给节目留个评价。

Also, I say this every episode, but if you have made it this far, please, if you feel inclined, if you have a few extra five seconds, really, five seconds, ten seconds, leave the podcast a review on either Spotify or Apple Podcasts.

但如果你不想这么做，如果你觉得这会助长讨好型人格倾向，那就别做。

But if you don't wanna do it, if you think that that's going to reinforce any people pleasing tendencies, don't do it.

要知道，设定那些界限。

You know, set those boundaries.

你并不欠我什么，但这会让我非常开心。

You don't owe me anything, but it would be very nice.

感谢你的收听。

And thank you for listening.

一如既往感谢你对播客的支持。

Thanks for supporting the podcast as always.

如果你有任何特别希望我探讨的想法，可以在官网或Instagram上留言。

Drop a line in on the website or on Instagram if you have any ideas that you really want me to kind of look into.

目前比起录制节目，我更喜欢做调研工作。

I love doing the research kind of more than I like recording the episodes at the moment.

我浏览器里保存了所有这些精彩的研究论文，正努力研读，以确保节目内容像往常一样有据可依。

I've got all of these, like, amazing papers saved in my browser that I'm just trying to get through to make these kind of as evidence based as they have typically been.

所以，如果你有任何想补充的内容，请随时分享。祝你无论身处世界何处，都能拥有美好的一周或周末。感谢你的收听。

So, yeah, if there's anything else you wanna add to that pile, please feel free to do so, and have an amazing week, weekend, wherever you are in the world, and thank you for listening.

父亲传承了哪些需要儿子去疗愈的循环？

What are the cycles fathers passed down that sons are left to heal?

如果男性气概不在于掌控一切，而在于学会放手呢？

What if being a man wasn't about holding it all together, but learning how to let go?

这是一个让男性诉说真相、寻找疗愈与蜕变力量的空间。

This is a space where men speak truth and find the power to heal and transform.

我是迈克·德拉罗卡。

I'm Mike Della Rocha.

欢迎来到《神圣的启示》。

Welcome to sacred lessons.

请在iHeartRadio应用、Apple播客或任何你获取播客的地方收听《神圣课程》

Listen to sacred lessons on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

这档节目走在了时代前列

The show was ahead of its time.

以一种电视从未展现过的方式呈现黑人家庭

To represent a black family in ways that television hadn't shown before.

正是如此

Exactly.

我是特尔玛·霍普金斯，也被称为瑞秋阿姨。

It's Telma Hopkins, also known as aunt Rachel.

我是凯莉·威廉姆斯，也叫劳拉·温斯洛。

And I'm Kelly Williams or Laura Winslow.

在我们的播客《欢迎来到塞尔玛和凯莉的大家庭》中，

On our podcast, welcome to the family with Thelma

我们正在重温《家庭琐事》的每一集。

and Kelly, we're rewatching every episode of family matters.

我们将分享节目制作背后的故事。

We'll share behind the scenes stories about making the show.

是的。

Yeah.

我们还会邀请一些特别嘉宾来爆料些内幕。

We'll even bring in some special guests to spill some tea.

请在iHeartRadio应用、Apple播客或您获取播客的任何平台收听《欢迎来到塞尔玛和凯莉的大家庭》。

Listen to welcome to the family with Thelma and Kelly on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

如果我们中有人赢了，我们就都赢了。

If one of us wins, we all win.

我是阿什莉·里菲尔德，播客《祝你好运》的主持人。

I'm Ashley Riefeld, the host of the podcast, Good Luck With That.

《祝你好运》是一档关于女性及性别多元滑板运动的过去、现在与未来的滑板播客。

Good Luck With That is a skateboarding podcast about the past, present, and future of women and gender expansive skateboarding.

在节目中，我们将与像博比·德尔菲诺这样的滑手探讨如何推动风格、文化及话题的进步。

In our show, we'll talk with skaters like Bobby Delfino on pushing style, culture, and the conversation forward.

你破门而入，现在病了，那就为所有人扶着门吧。

You break down the door, sick, now, like, hold the door for everyone.

我坚信这一点。

I believe in that solely.

所以请在iHeartRadio应用、Apple播客或任何你获取播客的地方收听《祝你好运》。

So listen to good luck with that on iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

这是iHeart出品的播客。

This is an iHeart podcast.

人类品质保证。

Guaranteed Human.