336. 为什么我们渴望外界的认可？

这里是iHeart播客。

This is an iHeart podcast.

所以你们的人工智能代理，它们能让使用它们的团队更高效，对吧？但如果它们没有连接到其他代理、你的数据或现有工作流程，它们究竟能让团队效率提升多少？任何企业都可以添加AI代理。IBM将你公司内的所有代理连接起来，彻底改变你的工作方式。

So your AI agents, they make the team that uses them more productive. Right? But if they aren't connected to other agents, or your data, or your existing workflows, how productive can they really make your teams? Any business can add AI agents. IBM connects your agents across your company to change how you do it.

致

To

我不是你要找的人。

I'm not you're it.

你可以尽情享受演出、比赛或夜晚外出，无需为停车兜圈子。预订安全车位最高可享5折优惠，告别停车焦虑。智慧停车从这里开始。立即下载Park Wiz应用。

You can enjoy the show, the game, or a night out without circling for parking. Save up to 50% off a secured space and skip the stress. Smarter parking starts here. Download the Park Wiz app today.

你可曾带着魔法来到华特迪士尼世界，仿佛在说：嘿，我们是来玩的？你可曾向克里奥尔公主行提亚拉礼，或正式变得古灵精怪？像老板一样挺身而出拯救世界？或是体验生命之树下的生活？

Have you ever brought your magic to Walt Disney World like, hey. We came to play? Did you tip your tiara to a creole princess or get goofy officially? Step up like a boss and save the day? Or see what life's like under the tree of life?

你做到了吗？如果可以，你愿意吗？当我们到来时，那是真正的魔法，因为我们是来玩的。在华特迪士尼世界度假区释放魔法吧。

Did you? If you could. Would you? When we come through, it's true magic because we came to play. Bring the magic at Walt Disney World Resort.

我真的不记得自己曾像现在这样忙得不可开交。而Nare的沐浴露不仅救了我的命，还节省了我的时间。因为我不知道你们怎么想，但我实在没心思再刮毛了，尤其是当我既要搬家又要处理无数其他事情的时候。Nare是排名第一的脱毛品牌，他们的身体和沐浴露系列。首先，它们闻起来真的很香，同时在我时间紧迫时能高效去除所有毛发。

I truly don't think I've ever had as many events as I do right now. And Nare's shower cream has been not just a lifesaver, but a time saver as well. Because I don't know about you, I just can't be bothered with shaving anymore, especially as I've been trying to move house and do a million other things. Nare is the number one hair removal brand and their body and shower creams. Firstly, they actually smell delicious whilst working so well to get rid of all of my hair when I'm tight on time.

我使用的是含有椰子油的沐浴露，它对皮肤非常温和。用后肌肤如丝般光滑，而且不含染料、防腐剂、邻苯二甲酸盐和硫酸盐。所以为夏天做好准备吧。现在各大零售商均有销售。当达美航空派四位创作者环游世界，去发现旅行的真正力量时会发生什么。

I use the shower cream infused with coconut oil and it's also so gentle on my skin. I feel so silky afterwards, and it's free of dyes, parabens, phthalates, and sulfates. So get ready for summer. Buy now at all major retailers. What happens when Delta Airlines sends four creators around the world to find out what is the true power of travel.

正是这些有意识的小瞬间，对吧？

It's these small moments of intention. Right?

不仅是将人们送往地点和目的地。它连接人与人、不同文化，最终创造出无法复制的体验。

Not just people to places and destinations. It's connecting people to other people, other cultures, and ultimately experiences that can't be replicated.

在本期由达美航空呈现的《二十几岁心理学》特别节目中，了解更多关于旅行如何支持身心健康的信息。飞得更好，活得更好。在您获取播客的任何地方收听。大家好，欢迎回到《二十几岁心理学》，这个播客我们讨论二十多岁时的重大人生变化和转折，以及它们对我们的心理意味着什么。大家好。

Find out more about how travel can support well-being on this special episode of the psychology of your twenties presented by Delta. Fly and live better. Listen wherever you get your podcasts. Hello, everybody, and welcome back to the psychology of your twenties, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology. Hello, everybody.

欢迎回到节目。欢迎回到播客。新听众，老听众，无论您身在世界的哪个角落，很高兴您再次加入我们，一起剖析二十几岁的心理。今天，我们要讨论外部认可。我们将探讨外部认可，以及为什么我们似乎把短暂、珍贵而神奇的生命中如此多的时间花在寻求认可上。

Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world, it is so great to have you here back for another episode as we, of course, break down the psychology of our twenties. Today, we're gonna talk about external validation. We're gonna talk about external validation and why it is that we seem to spend so much of our short, precious, miraculous lives looking for approval.

这种想法似乎在我们最自信的时刻背后如影随形。你知道吗，但他们喜欢我吗？我够好吗？比如，他们私下里怎么看我？我证明自己了吗？

It's this thought that seems to, like, stalk us in the back of even our most confident moments. You know, but do they like me? Am I enough? Like, what are they secretly thinking about me? Have I proved myself yet?

我绝非唯一意识到这些念头如何剥夺我存在于自身时间线、身体、当下及所爱之事能力的人。每次行动时，总有个念头必须为他人而存在，这实在令人精疲力竭。二十多岁时，我们尤其容易陷入对外界认可的渴望——这是充满'第一次'的十年：首份工作、首次成人恋爱、首次独立生活。当一切充满不确定性时，我们总忍不住左顾右盼，寻求他人给予认可或指引，以确认自己没走错路。

And I can't be the only one who has kind of realized how much these thoughts just, like, take from being able to just exist in my own timeline, in my own body, in the moment, in the things that I enjoy. It's like every single time I do something, there is always this thought that has to be devoted to someone else, which is honestly pretty exhausting. In our twenties, I think we are particularly susceptible to the hunger and the need for external validation. It is a decade of firsts, first jobs, first adult relationships, first time living independently. And because everything feels uncertain, sometimes it feels like we just keep looking to our left, keep looking to others, looking over our shoulder, looking for someone to, like, give us a sign or give us some sense of guidance that we are getting it right, that we ourselves are right.

别误会，被认可的感觉确实美妙——那种雀跃、温暖与被看见的满足。但关键在于我们对其依赖程度。当我们依靠他人来确认自我价值时，实则将自尊的钥匙拱手相让。每句赞美都可能成为救命稻草，而每条批评都像对核心自我的威胁。

And don't get me wrong, you know, validation feels good. There's like a rush, a warmth, like a sense of being seen. But it's how much we rely on that feeling that actually makes a difference. When we rely on others to tell us we're worthy, we basically hand over the keys to our self esteem and say, like, do whatever you want with this. You know, every compliment or moment of praise can be kind of make or break, and every critique is, like, a threat to a much deeper part of who we are.

这正是今日要探讨的主题。外界认可虽令人上瘾却极度脆弱——许多曾拥有又失去的人会如此告诉你。当它消失时（因其注定会消失），我们会感到深刻空虚。本期将剖析：为何它令人沉醉？为何我们部分人格需要它？以及如何重拾内在认可？过度依赖它的隐性代价是什么？

And that is what we're gonna talk about today. It can be addictive, but external validation is remarkably fragile as many people who have had it and lost it will tell you. And it can leave us feeling deeply hollow if and when, because it is a situation of of when it disappears. So in this episode, we're gonna break down why it actually feels so good, why some part of us really needs it, but then also how we can shift back towards internal validation. What are the hidden costs of relying on this a little bit too much?

名人的经历如何揭示外界认可与社会赞许的本质？它如何扭曲我们的内在罗盘？当允许他人声音永远盖过自己时，我们的价值观与真实本性会发生什么异变？我对这期内容充满期待。

How does people's experience with fame tell us about external validation and social approval? And what does it do to our internal compass? What does it do to our values? What does it do to our authentic nature when other people's voices are always allowed to speak over our own? I'm super excited for this episode.

感谢收听。闲言少叙，让我们深入探究对外界认可渴求的根源。你或许听过内外认可如同硬币两面的比喻——构建自我价值的两种途径。我们并非要妖魔化外界认可（它确实必要且美好），但二者来源迥异，对长期福祉的影响天差地别。区别何在？

Thank you for tuning in. Without further ado, let's get into why we crave external validation as much as we do. So you've probably heard about external and internal validation as, like, two sides of the same coin, two distinct ways we build our sense of self worth. Whilst both feel really good and are completely necessary as well, we're not trying to, like, villainize external validation or make it seem unimportant, They do come from very different sources, and they have vastly different impacts on our long term well-being. So what is the difference?

答案就在名称里。外界认可指来自他人的任何肯定，其运作基于社交反馈循环：照片被点赞、公开表扬、获准进入核心圈子时，我们会感到被看见与被认可，仿佛获得外界对自我价值的确认函。这种'被接纳'的感觉自然令人愉悦。

It's in the name. External validation is any kind of affirmation that comes from the outside, specifically that comes from others. It operates on a bit of a social feedback loop whereby when someone likes a photo of yours or you experience public praise or someone saying good job or someone allowing you into the in group, that kind of signals that others not only see us, they approve of us, which therefore makes us feel good and makes us feel like we are doing something right. Think of it kind of like a signal from the outside world confirming your value and therefore your broader acceptance. That obviously gives us a little bit of a glow.

但问题在于：当价值完全源自外部时，其掌控权也完全不属于我们。尽管可调整行为以寻求更多认可，却无法保证能从目标对象处获得。因此这本质上是种'借来的'、不稳定的价值感——他人随时可能凭任何理由（无论合理与否）将其收回。而内在认可截然不同，它源自内心。

However, the problem is that the source of our worth, when it is completely external, it also means it's completely outside of our control. Even though we can, like, dictate our actions to try and gain more validation, there's actually no determining whether we will actually receive it from our desired target. Therefore, it is what we called a borrowed or inconstant sense of value that, by its very nature, can be given or taken away by others at any time and more specifically, for any reason, fair or unfair. Internal validation, however, is different. It comes from within.

它的源泉来自我们自身。这是一种能力，让你能认识到自己的价值、努力、正直、美丽、独特与智慧，无论他人是否如你所愿地回应。这种确认不关乎结果，不专指赞扬，也不特指社会认同。

Its source is from ourselves. It's your ability to recognize your own worth, your own effort, integrity, your own beauty and specialness and intelligence, regardless of whether others react the way that you want them to. This type of validation is not about an outcome. It's not specifically about praise. It's not specifically about social approval.

它关乎自我认可与自我评估。比如，与其等待他人阅读你写的文章或欣赏你引以为傲的作品并给予肯定，你能够独立认可自己的辛勤付出。你能戴上客观的透镜说：嘿，这确实花费了我大量时间，确实展现了我的真实才华。

It's about self approval and self assessment. For example, you know, instead of waiting for someone to read an article you wrote or read or look at something you're really proud of and acknowledge that for you, you are able to acknowledge your hard work independently. You are able to kind of put on your objective lenses and say, hey. That actually took a lot of time for me. That actually is and does show real talent for me.

即使我的贡献和努力未被他人注意，我也有权为此感到自豪。我认为我们有时会本能地抗拒这点，因为尽管渴望社会认可，我们也不愿显得傲慢。在许多文化中，无论是个人主义还是集体主义，谦逊都是我们最为珍视和推崇的品质。拥有内在确认并不意味着你是个自大狂，它只表明你能诚实地看待自己的技能、努力和内在价值。

I'm allowed to be proud of that even if my contributions and my effort goes unnoticed by other people. I think sometimes we have, like, a natural instinct against this because as much as we want social approval, we also don't wanna come off as arrogant. And for a lot of cultures, individualistic or collective, like, humility is something that we prize and praise beyond anything else. Having internal validation doesn't mean that you are like an egomaniac. It just means that you actually are able to be honest about your own skills, about your own effort, about your own internal worth.

其实，谦逊有时和傲慢一样不诚实。因此，我认为恰当的内确认与强烈的内在自我价值感，是我们展现于社会中最诚实的方式之一，也是我们面对自我最真实的姿态。关键区别在于：外在确认追问的是'他们觉得我好吗？'而内在确认询问的是'我认为自己好吗？'想象刚结束初次约会的人——

Like, humility is sometimes just as dishonest as arrogance. So internal validation and a sense of strong internal self worth, I think when done right, is like one of the most honest ways we can show up in society and and the most honest ways we can approach ourselves. The difference really comes down to this external validation really asks, do they think I'm okay? And internal validation asks, do I think I'm okay? Think about someone that's just been on a first date.

依赖外在确认的人会开始琢磨：他们到底怎么看我？他们喜欢我的穿搭吗？那个赞美是真心吗？会想再见我吗？我展现的形象符合预期吗？这些虽是重要参考，却从未询问你如何评价这段经历。而拥有强大内在确认的人，离开约会或任何场合时会想：我保持了真实，展现了自我，享受了过程。无论对方是否回复，他们对真实版本的我作何反应，都不会改变这段体验的价值。

Someone reliant on external validation may start thinking, you know, I really wonder what they thought of me. I really wonder if they liked my outfit. I really wonder, like, if they really meant that compliment, if they wanna see me again, if I came off as, you know, I came across as as good or or how I how I wanna be seen. All of these are important data points, but it also, at no point, asks you how you value that experience. Having a strong sense of internal validation is walking away from a first date or any situation and thinking, you know, I was super honest.

重要的是，两者可以共存。一方不会抵消另一方。

I showed up as myself. I had fun. Whether or not they text me back, their response to this authentic version of me doesn't change that experience. And importantly, again, both can coexist. One doesn't cancel the other out.

但尽管两种确认能共存，它们并不对等。其中一种远比另一种稳固。内在确认可靠得多。心理学中非常成熟的自我决定理论证实了这一点，它表明关注内在肯定源——如个人成长、技能精进、与价值观一致的行动——直接且显著关联着更强的心理韧性、更高的心理健康水平，使人成为更快乐、更全面发展的个体。

But whilst both types of validation can coexist, they are not equal. One of them is far sturdier than the other. Internal validation is far more reliable. Self determination theory, which is a really well established framework in psychology, really shows that this is the case. And it suggests that a focus on intrinsic sources of affirmation, like personal growth, like mastery of skills, like acting in alignment with our values, is directly linked and obviously linked to greater psychological resilience, greater psychological well-being, to being a happier and more well rounded person.

那些受内在动机驱动的人往往更真实，因为如果你不断寻求社会认可，你会发现这终将使我们回归到一种高度同质化且严格的规范中。真正被自我喜好和行为偏好引导的人，实际上更具独特性且有趣。他们面对挫折时也更有韧性，焦虑更少，压力更小。

People who are driven by these internal motivators are also more likely to be authentic because if you are constantly looking for social approval, you can see how that completely and will always bring us back to a very homogenous and strict norm. People who are able to really be guided by what they like about themselves and what they like about their actions are actually also more different and interesting. They also have a stronger resilience to setbacks. They have less anxiety. They have less stress.

这是因为他们并非持续追逐外在奖赏。他们不沉迷于即时满足。因此他们宝贵的注意力能更精准地聚焦——回归到本应拥有这份注意力、本应成为自我关注核心的个体身上，即我们自己。既然内在认可如此强大，为何它不是默认选项？因为外在认可更即时、更易成瘾，且受到我们生物本能和文化环境的双重强化。

This is because they aren't constantly chasing an external prize. They're not constantly chasing gratification. So their focus, something that is so precious and so prized, is more finely tuned and comes back to the person who really should be the owner of that focus and should be at the center of that self focus, which is ourselves. So if internal validation is so powerful, why is it not the natural default? Well, because external validation is more immediate, it's more addictive, and it is reinforced by both our biology and our culture as well.

这个话题我们每期都在讨论。虽然总回溯到童年像打开潘多拉魔盒，但确实从我们幼年起，多数人就被驯化将自我价值绑定于他人认可。我们习得好行为赢得赞扬，坏行为招致惩罚。这种'价值由他人反应决定'的观念早已内化。

From the time and I feel like we talk about this in every single episode. We take it back to childhood, but it's because, like, it really is Pandora's box for so many of these things. But from the time we are, like, little tiny humans, most of us are conditioned to tie our worth to other people's approval. We learn that good behavior or certain behaviors earn praise, bad behaviors bring punishment. We internalize the idea that our worth is really dictated by people's reactions to our actions.

换言之，我即他人所言。我被他人如何回应所定义。这就是'镜中自我'概念的由来，由社会学家查尔斯·霍顿·库利提出。他主张——我深表认同——社会互动如同镜子，反射出我们该如何看待自己。

In other words, I am what others say I am. I am dictated by how others respond to me. This is where the concept of the looking glass self comes in. It was presented by this sociologist called Charles Horton Cooley. And he basically argued, and I agree with him, that our social interactions act as a mirror to reflect back how we should view ourselves.

我们确实不是在真空中形成自我认知，而是通过想象他人如何看待我们，解读他们的反应，并围绕这种镜像构建身份。若人们因你的笑话发笑，你会自认幽默；若他们挑剔外貌或暗讽，你会自惭形秽或想要改变；若人们称赞你有创意，你就会内化这种认知。我们开始用想象中的他人视角来定义自己。

We really do develop our sense of self not in a bubble, but by imagining how others see us, by interpreting their reactions, and then building our identity around that reflection. If people laugh at your jokes, you start to believe you're the funny one. If they criticize your looks or make sly digs, you start to believe you're unattractive or that you need to change something about yourself. If people tell you you're creative enough, you will begin to see that you are a creative person and begin to internalize that and believe that. We start to view ourselves in the way we think others view us.

关键就在于：这面镜子还叠加了另一层滤镜——这只是我们对他人认知的揣测。我们永远无法真正知晓。虽然能通过赞美与认可收集信息...

And that's the key thing. This is to just add another layer to this mirror. This is only our perception of what they think they are perceiving. We can never actually know. We can try and know, and we can gather information from their praise and their compliments and their approval.

但归根结底，他们并不了解真实的我们，不知我们的内在动机。我们也无从得知他们为何喜欢某个特质，为何认为那值得肯定，更不知是否该延续这条路。而这一切之上，还叠加着'归属需求理论'这种心理机制。

But at the end of the day, like, they don't know who we are. They don't know our internal motivations for doing things, And we can't really know why they like something about us, why they think that that's good, and whether that's a path we wanna continue to follow. Layered onto this, though, is the need to belong. This is a theory. It's a trick called the need to belong theory.

其核心观点认为，人类——你可能听过这种解释——天生就渴望获得接纳与认可，因为在人类历史的大部分时期，直白地说，被排斥就意味着死亡。这种神经机制至今仍存在于我们大脑中，具体位于名为腹侧纹状体的区域。我记得是南加州大学（USC）的一项研究，可能是加州大学或南加州大学，应该是USC。

And it basically argues that human beings, you've probably heard this explanation before, they are hardwired to seek acceptance and approval because for most of our history, to put it bluntly, you know, exclusion meant death. And that wiring is still in our brains today. It's in an area called the ventral striatum, a study from u c USC, I think. University University of California or USC. I think it was USC.

研究发现，建立社会联系（这依然是至关重要的）特别依赖于两种大脑功能：从积极结果或社会奖励中学习，以及通过他人反应来追踪他们对我们的重视程度（即关系价值）。这两种构建人际关系的系统，若没有我们对外部认可的解读和内化能力，根本无法运作。这使得归属需求成为塑造我们行为、自尊心以及再次依赖赞美和外部认可的强大力量——尽管这种力量常常是潜意识的。一切又绕回来了，对吧？

They found that forming social ties, which are, again, essential, relies specifically on two brain functions, learning from positive outcomes or learning from social rewards, and tracking how much others value us through their responses, which is known as relational value. Both of these systems for literally building relationships and bonds with other humans could not operate without us being able to interpret and internalize external validation. And this makes the need to belong a powerful, albeit off often unconscious force in shaping our behaviors, shaping our self esteem, shaping our reliance once again on praise, on external validation. It's all coming back to it. Right?

刚才提到的腹侧纹状体，还会在我们获得社会认可时触发多巴胺受体和大脑愉悦中枢。虽然这是种非常生物还原论的人类行为解释，但它本质上说明：我们做任何事的唯一动机就是获得奖励。而奖励越丰厚的行为，我们就越会持续追求或重复——无论是毒品、某种食物，还是来自他人的某种反应。这种多巴胺激增会创造愉悦感。

This ventral striatum that we talked about, it also helps trigger dopamine receptors and pleasure centers in our brain when we do receive social approval. This is a very, like, biological reductionist way of seeing human behavior, but it essentially says that the only reason we do anything is if we are rewarded for it. And the things that are rewarded the most are the things that we continue to pursue or do more of. Whether that is a drug, whether that that is a type of food, whether that is a type of reaction that we get from another human. This dopamine surge creates positive feelings.

这种机制会强化相关行为，进而催生更多寻求认可的行为。因为我们获得越多，就越渴望更多。《心理科学杂志》2016年一项非常有趣的研究专门探讨了这个机制。研究人员选取了32名13至18岁青少年，通过功能性磁共振成像观察他们观看电脑屏幕照片时的大脑活动。这些照片经过特殊设计，模拟Instagram等社交媒体信息流的呈现方式。

It reinforces that behavior, leading again to more validation seeking behaviors. Because the more we receive it, the more we crave it. A 2016 study published in the Journal of Psychological Sciences, really interesting, it looked at this exact mechanism. Basically, researchers involved a sample of 32 teenagers aged between 13 and 18, and they used an fMRI scanner to look at the teenager's brain activity whilst they looked at photographs on a computer screen. And they designed, like, these photos to basically be presented to kind of simulate Instagram and to make it feel like a social media feed.

他们还包含了青少年自己以及他人的照片。当参与者看到自己照片获得大量点赞时，被告知研究中的其他人确实很喜欢这些照片。涉及奖励回路的大脑区域活动出现了惊人的激增。同样有趣的是，如果参与者看到自己的照片已经获得他人点赞，他们自己也更可能喜欢这张照片。因此，他人给予的直接认可，这与他们赋予自身的认可和自我价值感形成了直接关联。

And they also included photos of the teens themselves and also of others. So when the participants saw their own photos with a high number of likes, they were told that other people in this study had really liked those photos of them. The brain regions involved in that reward circuit showed crazy spikes in activity. Interestingly too, participants were also more likely to like a photo of themselves if they saw that it had already received likes from others. So the approval others were giving them directly, this is the link to the approval and the sense of self worth they were giving onto themselves.

这种奖励与模仿的结合暗示着，大脑不仅被告知‘这是值得喜欢的好事’，还认为‘这是值得效仿的好行为’。大脑会将特定内容——照片、姿势、场景——与社会认可带来的积极感受联系起来。因此，人们更可能希望通过拍摄类似的自拍来重现获得这种奖励的体验，同样也会从某些照片或行为未获认可的经历中学习，将其视为不被接纳的信号。由于未伴随多巴胺飙升（或许反而出现多巴胺下降），他们将不再重复该行为。若综合考量这些因素——童年 conditioning、进化生物学、现代科技——我们陷入追逐外部认可的陷阱就完全说得通了。

This combination of reward and imitation kinda suggests that the brain is not only being told this is a good thing to like, but also this is a good thing to do. The brain associates the specific content, the photo, the pose, the setting with the positive feeling of social approval. Therefore, a person would be more likely to wanna recreate that experience of getting that reward by taking a similar photo of themselves and would also equally learn from the moments where a specific photo or a specific behavior wasn't validated as a sign that it isn't accepted. And having not been accompanied by a dopamine spike, perhaps by a dopamine drop, they won't perform that behavior anymore. So if we consider all these things together, the childhood conditioning, the evolutionary biology, the modern technology, it really makes sense why we fall into this trap of chasing external validation.

它快速见效，威力强大，在失效前让人感觉无比美妙。而正是这里，我们需要探讨依赖外部认可的潜在危害，以及更多更深层的问题。短暂休息后，我们将继续展开讨论。

It's quick. It's powerful. It feels remarkably good until it doesn't. And this is where we need to explore the potential harms of being reliant on external validation and so, so much more. And we're gonna do so after this short break.

让停车成为您夜晚最轻松的部分——Park Wiz。提前预订，直接驶入，让您无需为停车兜圈就能享受演出、比赛或夜生活。安全车位最高可享5折优惠，告别压力。智慧停车从此开始。立即下载Park Wiz应用。

Make parking the easiest part of your night with Park Wiz. Reserve ahead and roll right in so you can enjoy the show, the game, or a night out without circling for parking. Save up to 50% off a secured space and skip the stress. Smarter parking starts here. Download the Park Wiz app today.

当达美航空派遣四位创作者环游世界，探寻旅行的真正力量时会发生什么？我想这帮助我找到了某种内心的安定。

What happens when Delta Air Lines sends four creators around the world to find out what is the true power of travel. I think it helped me sort of like get grounded.

我觉得自己解锁了某种童年梦想。

I think I unlocked some like childhood dream.

将压力转化为兴奋。把这些经历中的感恩带入日常生活。这就是为何我联系了亨利·廷博士——达美航空首席健康与福祉官，也是这次旅行实验背后的关键人物。旅行本身会带给你社交、文化、心理和情感层面的拓展。

Turn my stress into excitement. Take that gratitude from those experiences into your daily life. That's why I connected with doctor Henry Ting, Delta's chief health and wellness officer and instrumental voice behind this travel experiment. Traveling in general is gonna give you that social and cultural and psychological and emotional expansion.

是的。在达美，我们常说'没有人能更好地连接世界'。这不仅连接人与目的地，更连接人与人、不同文化，最终创造无法复制的体验。

Yeah. You know, at Delta, we like to say no one better connects the world. It's connecting not just people to destinations. It's connecting people to other people, other cultures, and ultimately experiences that can't really be replicated.

在本期由达美航空呈现的《二十几岁心理学》特别节目中，了解更多旅行如何促进身心健康。飞行让生活更美好。各大播客平台均可收听。最近我的生活可谓一团乱麻——朋友婚礼、新书巡演、同时还在搬家。

Find out more about how travel can support well-being on this special episode of the psychology of your twenties presented by Delta. Fly and live better. Listen wherever you get your podcasts. My life has been chaotic recently to say the least. And with so many events going on at the moment, my friend's weddings, my book tour, I'm also moving house.

最没时间做的就是刮胡子。这时Nair沐浴脱毛膏就成了救星，它省时高效，而且闻起来超棒。作为脱毛品牌第一名，效果有保障。其沐浴脱毛膏采用天然萃取香氛，如椰子油、杏仁油、薰衣草，香气怡人。

The last thing I have time for is shaving. That is where Nair's shower cream comes in because it saves me so much time and bonus, it also smells delicious. Nair is the number one hair removal brand, so you know their stuff works. And their hair removal shower cream uses natural extracts for its scents, so things like coconut oil, almond oil, lavender. They smell delicious.

它快得就像你冲澡的时间那么短，可能甚至更快。而且使用起来超级简单。对我来说很重要的一点是，它不含染料、对羟基苯甲酸酯、邻苯二甲酸盐和硫酸盐，并且经过皮肤科医生测试。这可能就是为什么它让我的皮肤感觉如此丝滑。另一个让我彻底放弃剃毛的原因在这里。

It's fast, like the length of your shower fast, maybe even quicker. And it's super easy to use as well. It's also, and this is a big thing for me, free of dyes, parabens, phthalates, sulfates and dermatologist tested. Which is probably why it leaves my skin feeling so insanely silky. Here's the other reason I've been really over shaving.

我讨厌最后割伤或刮破皮肤。而且总觉得还是会漏掉一些部位。所以我有点困惑，这到底有什么意义？但使用Nair的沐浴脱毛膏后，我从未遇到过这个问题。你只需要亲自试试看。

I hate when I end up like cutting or nicking my skin. And I also feel like I end up missing spots anyway. So I'm kind of like, what's the whole point of this? But with Nair's shower cream, I have never had that problem. I just need you to try it out for yourself.

前几天朋友们来我家，看到我浴室里放着这个，都问这是什么。他们试用时原本带着玩笑心态，但我很确定所有人离开时都把它列入了购物清单——因为这产品确实有效。Nair沐浴脱毛膏，为夏日做好准备。现在各大零售商均有销售。

My friends were actually over the other day and I had some in my shower and they were like, what is this? And they tried it out. Almost as a joke, but I'm fairly sure all of them left with that on their shopping list because that stuff works. Nair's hair removal shower cream, get ready for summer. You can buy it now at all major retailers.

她看《魔法满屋》的次数多到数不清——虽然她只能数到10。她每次聊天都会提到米拉贝尔，但真正见到米拉贝尔时却激动得说不出话。这就是魔法的力量。在华特迪士尼世界度假区找到属于你的奇迹。

She's seen Encanto more times than she can count, and she can count to 10. She mentioned Mirabel in every conversation, but the moment she actually met Mirabel, she was speechless. That's. Find yours at Walt Disney World Resort.

五年十个月零两天。这是长高38英寸（约96.5厘米）达到卡利河激流骑行身高要求所花费的时间。但当等待终于结束时，那就是纯粹的魔法时刻。来华特迪士尼世界度假区发现属于你的魔法。

Five years, ten months, and two days. That's how long it took to grow the 38 inches to ride on Cali River Rapids. But the moment the wait finally ended, that was Pura Mahia. Discover it at Walt Disney World Resort.

如果你在等待AI转化为投资回报，却不知还要等多久，或许你需要做的不仅仅是等待。任何企业都能运用AI。IBM帮助你用AI改变商业模式。让我们共创更智能的商业，IBM。

If you're waiting for your AI to turn into ROI and wondering how long you have to wait, maybe you need to do more than wait. Any business can use AI. IBM helps you use AI to change how you do business. Let's create smarter business, IBM.

知道吗？每当我谈论外部认同时，总会想到现代的名利循环。我会思考我们如何对待名人、音乐人，以及当他们成为焦点时会是怎样的感受——当他们的创作恰好挠中了社会期待的痒处，当他们完全按照我们期待的方式表现时。

You know what I always end up thinking about when I talk about external validation? I always end up thinking about, like, the modern day fame cycle. You know, I think about how we treat celebrities and musicians and, like, what it must feel like when they're the it thing. When they're, like, really scratching, like, the perfect creative itch that, like, society wants them to. When they're, like, behaving exactly how we want them to.

有多少赞美和外界认可像输液般注入他们的血管？然后到了某个时刻——我认为每位名人都会经历，尤其是女性名人——风向突变，他们突然不再炙手可热，不再新鲜。想想迪士尼童星如麦莉·赛勒斯、黛米·洛瓦托、林赛·罗韩，他们童年和青少年时期的整个身份认同都建立在别人告诉他们该做什么、他们照做后被夸'做得好'之上。然后几乎一夜之间，这些全都消失了，他们突然遭到厌恶。

How much praise and, like, external validation is, like, pumped into their veins? And then at some point, I think this happens with every single celebrity, especially female celebrities, at some point, the tide turns, and they're, like, not the hot thing anymore. They're not new anymore. I think about Disney stars like Miley Cyrus, like Demi Lovato, like Lindsay Lohan, and how their entire identity as children and teenagers would have been built on people telling them what to do and them doing it and being told good job. And then, like, overnight that goes away for them, and they're, like, suddenly hated.

我看了很多对这些人的采访，他们描述那种时刻如何冰冷、黑暗、可怕。因为他们说自己本质上就像被训练只会对外界认可做出反应的猴子，内在指南针早已被砸得粉碎。当外界认可消失时，他们真的不知道自己是谁了。当然，这只是社会中极小部分人的经历，或许不完全具有普遍性。但从个体层面看，这种体验确实存在。

And I've been watching a lot of interviews that people have done with these people, and they talk about, like, how cold and dark and scary those moments feel for them. Because they talk about how they were basically monkeys, like, trained to only respond to external validation, whose, like, own internal compass was, like, sledgehammered to death. And so when the external validation disappeared, they literally didn't know who they were anymore. And, obviously, this is like a very, very, very slim part of society and maybe not entirely relatable. But on an individual level, like it kind of is.

我们很多人——特别是如果你曾是'别人家的孩子'、学霸、少年运动员或长子长女——经历的是同样的过程，完全相同的机制，只是没有迪士尼频道赞助罢了。被赞扬和当作榜样的感觉固然美妙，但这样的源泉终会枯竭。总有一天你会犯错。

So many of us, especially if you were like a golden child or like a highly academic child or a child athlete or like the oldest sibling, it's the same process. It's literally the same system. You're just not like sponsored by the Disney Channel. It felt so good to be praised and used as an example, but the tap does run dry eventually. Eventually, you make a mistake.

总有一天你会失败。总有一天你想反抗一下或感到疲倦。如果你的整个信念体系都建立在他人对你价值的认可上，那么之后等待你的将是漫长的坠落。这就是我们所说的陷阱——外界认可在当下感觉无比美妙。

Eventually, you don't win. Eventually, you wanna rebel a little bit or you get tired. And if your entire belief system is built on the value other people saw in you and your behavior, there is a long, long drop coming afterwards. That's the exact trap we're talking about. External validation feels incredible on the moment.

它诱使你依赖它，但你越依赖，自我认知就越脆弱。如果只为获得认可而活，只为听别人夸你做得棒、是个好人、讨人喜欢、长得好看而活，很快你的身份就会变成一场表演，你会变成人形变色龙——不断扫描环境并思考：今天我需要成为什么样的人才能被喜欢？代价极其高昂：你会失去与真实自我的联结，丧失对自身渴望的感知。

It convinces you to trust in it, but the more you do, the more fragile your sense of self becomes. If you only live for the noddle of approval, if you only live for other people telling you you did a good job, you are a good human, you're a nice person, you're an attractive person, pretty soon your identity becomes a performance, and you morph into the kind of person, a kind of person who is like a human chameleon. Constantly scanning the environment and thinking, who do I need to be today so that they will like me? And the cost of this is really, really high. You lose touch with your authentic sense of self, with your desires.

你开始做选择不是因为感觉正确，而是因为它们看起来正确。你可能从事人人称赞的职业——医生、律师、高管等等——然后只觉得麻木，只觉得糟糕透顶。

You start making choices, not because they feel right, but because they will appear right. You might pursue a career that everyone else calls impressive. Doctor, lawyer, executive, whatever it is. And then you just feel numb. You just feel awful.

你根本不想待在那里。你可能维持着在父母、朋友或任何人眼中堪称完美的关系，因为所有人都羡慕这段关系，所有人都说'这看起来太棒了，肯定很棒'——即使关起门来，你知道自己其实很孤独、很焦躁、很不快乐。

You have no desire to be there. You might stay in a relationship that looks picture perfect to your parents, to your friends, to whoever it is because everyone else admires it. Everyone else is saying that this looks great. It must be great. Even if behind closed doors, you know, you're really lonely and you're really restless and you're really unhappy.

想到要结束这一切，你知道，这不仅仅是要经历分手，也不仅仅是放弃职业生涯。这感觉像是你巨大的个人失败将被公之于众。这就是为什么外部认可会成为取悦他人倾向的驱动力。久而久之，你自己的需求和欲望会逐渐被压抑。

The thought of ending it, you know, it's not just that you'd be going through a breakup. It's not just that you would be leaving a career. It feels like this, like, huge personal failure of yours would be on display. And this is why external validation is a driver of people pleasing tendencies. Over time, your own wants, your own desires, they become muffled.

你再也听不清它们了，因为渴望被喜欢或认可的欲望被不断喂养，最终变成了一个庞然大物。讽刺的是，你变得如此适应性强，以至于实际上开始消失，因为当你进入不同的社交场合，见到不同的人时，你身上没有任何东西是恒定的。你会根据身边的人改变观点，对并不好笑的笑话发笑，灵活到近乎自我抹杀的地步。

You cannot hear them clearly anymore because the desire to be liked or validated has been fed and fed and fed and has become this big giant monster. And the irony is you become so adaptable that you actually start to disappear because there is nothing that remains constant about you as you visit different social settings, as you see different people. You change your opinions depending on who you're with. You laugh at jokes you don't actually find funny. You become so flexible to the point of erasure.

还有一系列非常著名的研究展示了这如何导致我们不信任自己，以及如何让我们做出非常愚蠢的事情。这可能是心理学史上最著名的系列研究之一，叫做阿希从众实验。如果你是心理学学生，我很抱歉我们要回到心理学101，但我会简要描述它们。

There's also this very famous series of studies that show how this can cause us to not trust ourselves and show us how it can cause us to just, like, do really silly things. It's probably one of the most famous series of psychological studies ever done. It's called the Asch conformity experiments. In these experiments, if you're a psychology student, I'm so sorry. We're going back to psych one zero one, but I'll I'll be brief and I'll describe them.

在这些实验中，研究人员让一名参与者与一群他们以为是其他参与者的人共处一室。这名真正的参与者不知道其他人都是知情者。我记得房间里大概有七到十个人。他们被要求完成一个超级简单的任务。

In these experiments, the researchers put one participant in a room with a group of people who they also thought were participants. And the one participant didn't know that these other people were in on it. I think the room had, like, seven or maybe 10 people. And they were asked to do this task. It was super simple.

屏幕上会显示一条线，然后显示另外三条线。他们的任务基本上就是把这条线与匹配的另一条线对应起来。这真的是连孩子都能完成的任务。然后所有假装的参与者都会故意说出错误答案，明显是错误的。

On the screen, they were shown one line, and then they were shown three other lines. And they were basically, like, link up the one line to the other line that it matches. Like, genuinely a task that a child could have done. And then what they would have happened is all the fake participants would say the wrong answer. Like, it was glaringly incorrect.

75%的情况下，真正的参与者会随大流，因为他们不想经历反对。这里还有另一个风险。显然，这会导致你说错话，做出明知不对的事情而不真正理解原因。更隐蔽的风险是，那些严重依赖外部认可的人很容易成为被操纵的目标。

75% of the time, the participants would just go along with it because they didn't want to experience disapproval. There's another risk here. Obviously, it can cause you to say the wrong thing. It can cause you to just do things that you know aren't right and not really understand those reasons. A more insidious risk is that people who rely heavily on external validation become very easy targets for manipulation.

你知道吗？一个老板看到你在得到表扬时兴高采烈，就会策略性地扣留表扬。突然间，你每周工作七十小时，不是因为你想，而是因为渴望那一点点认可。那个除非你按他们意愿行事否则就冷淡对待的伴侣，他们意识到你的自我价值取决于他们的关注，于是可以定量给予关注来让你保持不安，今天给你爱，明天又疏远，直到你上钩。

You know? A boss that sees that you light up when they offer you praise can withhold it strategically. Suddenly, you're working, like, seventy hours a week, not because you want to, but because you're desperate for that tiny hit of recognition. You know, the partner who withholds affection unless you do what they want, you know, they realize that your self worth depends on their attention. And so they can ration it to keep you insecure, giving you love one day, pulling away the next until you're hooked.

你沉迷于追逐他们的认可，而非真正地质疑，比如，嘿，我在这里实际上值得什么？以兄弟姐妹为例，当你满足他们的需求时，他们会给予你满满的认可，但下一刻又会收回，这再次证明了他们行为的驱动力是外部认可的功能和杠杆，以及如何通过操纵这些来支配我们的行为。这就是你不经意间将自我价值完全建立在他人看法上的潜在危险。它不仅让你失去自己的声音，还将权力交到了别人手中。

You're hooked on chasing their approval instead of really questioning, like, hey, what do I actually deserve here? The sibling, like, to give one more example, like, the sibling who showers you with approval when you serve their needs and withdraws at the next, again, is operating based on the functions and the levers of external validation and how it can be pulled and shifted and moved to dictate our behavior. That is the hidden danger of maybe accidentally building your entire worth on what other people think. It doesn't just cost you your own voice. It puts power in someone else's hands.

这种状态其实有一个名称，叫做‘条件性自尊’，即你的自我价值完全依赖于外部结果。研究一致表明，那些具有高水平条件性自尊的人，显著更有可能经历更严重的抑郁症状。他们也更可能报告自我感知的连贯性较低，对自己能力的信心也较弱，这完全说得通。是的，我们天生要在社会系统和社区中运作，认可是这些系统中我们渴望的一部分。但你也是一个拥有独特思想、感受、欲望和意图的个体，这些同样需要被尊重。

This is actually a state that has a name that's known as contingent self esteem, and this occurs where your self worth is entirely dependent on external outcomes. Research has consistently shown that those who have higher levels of contingent self esteem are significantly more likely to experience greater depressive symptoms. They are also more likely to report a less coherent sense of self, less confidence in their abilities as well, and this totally makes sense. Like, yes, we are built to operate within social systems and around community, and approval as part of those systems is something that we want. But you are also an individual with unique thoughts and feelings and desires and intentions, and that has to be honored as well.

否则，你会感到完全脱节。讽刺的是，你越是这样做，人们实际上越不了解你，甚至可能越不喜欢你。他们认识的是那个顺从、适应性强、从不惹事的版本，但那并不是真正的你。他们不知道那些你可能觉得太脆弱而不敢分享的部分，因为那可能会让他们不安。要知道，亲密有时也需要摩擦。

Otherwise, you will feel completely detached. And ironically, the more you do, the less people actually know you and maybe like you. They know, like, the agreeable version and the adaptable version and the one who never rocks the boat, but that's not actually you. They don't know the parts of you that maybe you feel are too vulnerable to share because it might upset them. Also, you know, intimacy requires friction sometimes.

它需要你与人有分歧，需要你让他们不安，因为这就是人性。有时你们不会总是和睦相处。人们做的事可能会伤害你，但如果你害怕指出这些或害怕让他们难堪，你就永远无法真正解决问题，也无法深入了解某人。有些人不同意我这么说，但根据我的经验，我发现这是真的。

It requires disagreeing with people. It requires upsetting them, you know, because that's just human nature. Sometimes you're not always gonna get along. People do things that may hurt you, but if you're afraid of calling them out or afraid of putting them on the spot, you're never actually going to, a, be able to resolve anything or, b, get to know someone deeper. Some people don't agree with me when when I say this, but I found this to be true from my own experience.

你并不真正了解一个朋友，也不真正拥有长久友谊的承诺，直到你们经历了第一次分歧或第一次争吵。因为这表明你们可以在更深层次上相遇，你愿意理解对方。它也表明，你愿意表达‘这是我的观点，这是我的视角，这就是我，我需要你尊重这一点’。

You don't really know a friend, and you don't really have the promise of a long lasting friendship until you have survived your first disagreement or your first argument. Because it shows you can meet each other on a deeper level, you know, that you wanna understand the other person. And it shows that, like, you're willing to just be like, this is my opinion. This is my perspective. This is who I am, and I need you to respect that.

但如果你不断逃避这种脆弱性，或不断逃避不舒服的时刻，因为那可能意味着某人会不那么喜欢你，实际上这意味着你的亲密机会——无论是与家人的亲情、友情还是爱情——都会变得更加有限。这让我想到了一个我经常谈论且非常喜爱的概念，叫做‘认可债务’。我们可以这样理解：当你通过他人来支撑自我价值感时，你本质上是在贷款。起初，利息似乎非常可控。

But if you're constantly running away from that vulnerability or you're constantly running away from uncomfortable moments because it might mean that someone may like you less, it actually does mean that your opportunities for intimacy, platonic to do with family, romantic, they become more limited. This brings me to a concept I talk about a lot, which I love, called validation debt. We can think about it like this. When you finance your sense of worth through other people, you're essentially taking out loans. And at first, the interest seems super manageable.

你知道，这里一句赞美，那里一点鼓励，一点互动，就能维持你。你也可以稍微依赖自己一点。但随着时间的推移，债务会堆积。你需要越来越大额的‘还款’，更多的赞美和安慰，才能感到稳定。

You know, a compliment here, like, a bit of encouragement, a bit of engagement there. It sustains you. And you can kind of also rely on yourself a little bit as well. But over time, the debt piles up. You need bigger and bigger payments, more praise, more reassurance just to feel stable.

当这些认可未能如期而至时，你就会陷入赤字状态。这就是认可债务。你对外界认可的依赖越多，借入的‘情感贷款’就越多，自我肯定的能力就越弱。债务的本质在于——它会带来压力。

And when those payments don't come, you go into a deficit. That's validation debt. The more you outsource, the more you borrow, the less capable you feel of doing it yourself. And here's the thing about debt. Debt is stressful.

情感债务、认可债务都会造成压力。面对这种压力时，你反而会更疯狂地寻求安慰，讽刺的是这让你愈发丧失自我支撑的能力。那么如何重获自我主导权？如何重建内在认可？特别是当你已依赖外界认可多年时——我完全理解这种感受。

Emotional debt, validation debt is stressful. And so as you're facing that stress, you do actually chase reassurance even harder, which ironically actually makes you feel even less capable of holding yourself up. So how do we get our authority back? How do we get our internal validation back? Especially if it does feel like you've outsourced it for years, and I get it.

我自己也曾长期如此。这不是你的错，我并非在此评判你。我只想帮你解锁那些平凡日常中的魔法，那些能让你重建稳定自我价值感的能力。我认为第一步是觉察你习惯性寻求外界认可的瞬间。

I have done that for a while myself. It's not your fault. It's not that I'm sitting here and judging you for it. I just wanna help you kind of unlock the magic and unlock the ordinary things that you do, and you can do to bring yourself back to having a stable internal sense of self worth. I think the first step is really noticing the moments when you do tend to outsource your worth.

也许你会反复修改照片配文上百次才敢发布，也许你要在脑中排练观点无数遍才敢说出口。捕捉这些自我审查的细微时刻可能令人不适，但正是这种觉察改变一切。没有觉察，就无法打破循环。这能帮你发现那些潜藏的不安全感——正是它们让你渴望外界认可。

Maybe, you know, you change your caption, like, a million times before posting a photo. Maybe, like, you rehearse your opinion in your head a million times before saying it out loud just to make sure it won't be wrong. Catching yourself in these small moments of self monitoring can be uncomfortable, but awareness in those moments is also everything. Without it, you really can't shift the pattern. What this allows you to do is notice the kind of things that you actually might be a little bit insecure about, which is why you feel like you need that extra boost from.

如果只有朋友称赞你的穿搭或妆容时你才感到自信，说明这恰是你深层不安的领域。这些时刻可以成为靶向练习，帮你发现需要自我滋养的脆弱点。另一个关键是重新连接你的核心价值观：无论他人是否看见，你都是独特而有价值的存在。当你忙于寻求他人认同时，可能没意识到你本就具备自我肯定的全部资源。总有人会误解你的选择，不喜欢你的理由，但你依然可以安然存在。花时间重新认识你真正在乎的事物，更重要的是——你想成为怎样的人。

If you only feel confident and satisfied with how you look when your friends compliment your outfit or your makeup, then it's likely that this is an area of deeper insecurity for you. And you can use these moments as kind of target practice as opportunities to really understand where you need to pour more deeply into yourself. Another piece of this is really reconnecting with your values and reconnecting with the fact that you are incredibly unique and worthwhile person, whether someone else sees that or not. While you're busy trying to earn the validation of others, what you may not realize is that you have everything you need within you to validate your own experiences, and that there are gonna be a lot of times people won't understand why you're doing something or won't understand you or won't like you for whatever freaking reason and for whatever projection they've got going on and you're still gonna be okay. Spend some time just with relearning what you really care about and more importantly, what kind of person you wanna be.

认真做这个练习：想象四十年后你想成为怎样的老人——不是五年或二十年后，是当你白发苍苍时，希望人们如何评价你？希望以怎样的方式存在？

Really ask yourself this, really try this exercise for me. Imagine what kind of old person you wanna be. Not the next person you wanna be in five years, not the person you wanna be in twenty. In like forty years, like, what kind of person do you want people to say that you were? What kind of person do you wanna operate as?

生活中哪些人让你觉得'他们如此了不起且不可撼动'？如何让自己更接近那种状态？答案在于每天践行你重视的品质：无论是善良、创造力、诚实还是独立。你上次遵循这些价值观行动是什么时候？你的身份认同与内在价值感就源于此。

What kind of person do you see in your life who you think, wow, they are really amazing and they're unshakable? How could you make yourself more like that? And how you make yourself more like that is by prioritizing what you value as a daily act, whether it is kindness, whether it is creativity, honesty, independence. When was the last time you did anything that was in line with these things? Your identity and your internal sense of self worth and yeah.

你的身份是一个动词。你必须真正践行你想成为的样子。你要践行你的创作本能，而非仅仅告诉自己你是有创造力的人。你要践行你的慷慨，践行你的独立。

Your identity is a verb. Like, you have to actually act on the things that you wanna be. You have to act on your creative instinct instead of just continuing to tell yourself that you're creative. You have to act on your generosity. You have to act on your independence.

你必须践行那些你想保持稳定的部分，这样你才不会仅仅依赖他人可能偶然给予的、滋养性较低的外部认可形式。起初可能会感觉很怪异，但你会惊讶地发现自己有多少行为其实是为了获取他人认可，而我们真正为自己做的事却少之又少。所以当你停止迎合那些东西，开始真正投入你真正想做的事情时，你就开始更真实地生活，随之而来的会是许多积极的改变。就像你打开了大门，感受到一种深层的自信和自我关爱。说到自爱，下一步就是练习自我认可。

You have to act on the parts of you that you want to remain stable so that you aren't just reliant on the kind of less nourishing forms of external validation people might incidentally give you. It might feel really weird at first, but you'll be really surprised about how much stuff you actually do for some kind of gratification from others and how little we actually do for ourselves. So when you stop engaging with those things and you start really tapping into the things that you really wanna do, you do start to live more authentically, and a lot of stuff follows in and flows in from that. It's like you open up the doors to just feel a deep sense of, like, confidence and love for yourself. The next step, speaking of self love, is to practice self recognition.

这听起来可能有点老套，但很有力量。每当你做了令自己骄傲的事——无论是完成工作项目、设定健康界限、承诺达成目标、暂停休息（比如克制住冲动不做某事）、进行创作或做有创意的事——不要只是想着'酷，我要告诉别人'或直接翻篇，真正去觉察自己的感受。让那种自豪感在你心中停留片刻。

This can sound a little bit corny, but it's powerful. Every time you do something that you're proud of, whether it is completing a project at work, setting a healthy boundary, committing to a goal, taking a pause, like, resisting the urge to just do something, making something creative, doing something creative. Instead of just being like, cool. I'm gonna tell someone about that or I'm just gonna move on from that, really notice how you feel on yourself. Bask in that feeling for a little while, that feeling of pride.

为自己的成就感到骄傲没有错，这不是傲慢。反思它，珍视它，将它深深埋藏在心底。

It's okay to feel proud of what you have done. It's not arrogant. Reflect on it. Cherish it. Bury it deep inside of you.

哪怕只有一分钟，也要通过这个行为强化这样的理念：你自己的评价很重要，你能够像他人那样给予自己关注和认可。这也包括耐受不适感。当你开始减少对外界认可的依赖时，会出现一些难以忍受的时刻。我不想粉饰现实——当人们发现你不再需要他们的认可时，有些人的反应会很负面。

Like, even if it's just for a minute, reinforce this idea through this act that your own self evaluation matters and that you are able to pour into yourself and acknowledge yourself as much as anyone else is able to. Part of this is also about tolerating discomfort. When you start to rely less on external validation, there will be moments that feel completely unbearable. I'm not gonna, like, sugarcoat it. There will be moments where people will respond negatively to the fact that you don't need them to validate you anymore.

这种感觉会很糟糕。有些时刻你渴望得到他人的安慰却得不到，这种空缺感可能像被拒绝。但如果你能静处其中，深呼吸，并意识到事后你依然安然无恙，注意到自己如何度过这些时刻，明白'是的，有人不喜欢你会不舒服，但这不意味着世界末日'——你正在再次强化内在的力量。

And it's gonna feel really awful. There will be moments when you want someone to reassure you and they won't. And that gap can feel like rejection. But if you can just sit in it, breathe through it, and just notice that you are okay after it has happened, notice how you survive those moments, notice how, yes, someone not liking you is uncomfortable, it doesn't mean the end of the world. You are strengthening once again that internal muscle.

当然，无论你多努力，总会遇到有人不喜欢你、不认同你的时刻。我常说：每个人都会遇到反对者。即便你认为最杰出、最完美、不可能有人讨厌的那个人，他也有反对者。如果他们只想着如何改变反对者的想法，而不思考如何调整自己对其意见的重视程度——那会浪费多少时间？你会浪费多少时间？

And, of course, there will always be those moments no matter how hard you try where someone will not like you, where someone will disagree with you. I always say this, like, every single person has a hater. Even the most brilliant, magnificent person that you know who you think no one could hate no one could disagree with, they have a hater. And how much time would they waste? How much time would you waste if you just only could think about how you could change their mind and never thought about how you could change yours in terms of valuing their opinion.

以下是一些提醒，是在这些情况下你需要随身携带的最后提醒。首先，记住被喜欢和被爱是不一样的。我二十出头时花了很多时间拼命改变自己，调整各种事情，隐藏自己的某些部分，这样人们，尤其是男生，会喜欢我，想和我约会，觉得我能方便地融入他们的生活。他们爱我吗？不。

So here are some reminders, some final reminders to carry with you in these situations. First, remember that being liked is not the same as being loved. I spent a lot of time in my early twenties desperately, like, changing myself, switching things up, hiding parts about myself so that people and especially guys, like, would like me, would wanna date me, would find that I was conveniently able to slot into their life. Did they love me? No.

他们尊重我吗？可能也没有。被喜欢的感觉常常像是你在打磨一个粗糙的边缘，这样它就不会在路过时刮到别人。感觉像是在适应，在融入。感觉像是在帮别人的忙，感觉像是在赢得爱。

Did they respect me? Probably not either. Being liked, it often feels like you are like smoothing out a rough edge so that it doesn't, you know, clip someone on the way past. It feels like you're adapting, fitting in. It feels like you are doing other people a favor, and it feels like you are winning love.

但其实不是。被爱，真正被爱意味着有人看到那些粗糙的边缘却依然留下来，并且喜欢那些怪癖。这也意味着不要求别人改变，只是为了让你更容易把他们融入你的生活。问问自己，我是在以牺牲真实性为代价追求被喜欢吗？第二，第二个提醒，每次你为了获得认可而表演，你就会失去一点与自己的亲密感。

You're you're not. Being loved, being truly loved means someone seeing those rough edges and staying anyways and liking those quirks. And it also means not asking for someone else to change just so that it's easier for you to fit them into your life. Ask yourself, am I chasing likability at the expense of authenticity? Second, the second reminder, every time you perform for approval, you lose a little bit of intimacy with yourself.

你知道吗？我不是在说化妆，也不是说在外表上多花点功夫，也不是说向老板要个赞美。我在这里说的是我们之前提到的情感债务。那种情感债务是你选择对自己不那么舒服的事情，以便从别人那里得到一些东西。通过改变自己，这又不是爱。

And you know what? I'm not talking about, like, wearing makeup, and I'm not talking about putting a little bit of extra effort into, you know, your appearance, and I'm not talking about asking for a compliment from your boss. What I'm talking about here is that emotional debt we mentioned earlier. That emotional debt whereby you choose something that is less comfortable for you so that you can gain something from someone else. By changing yourself, again, it's not love.

而且，我总是想象我的内在小孩坐在那里，喜欢我的 outfit，喜欢我穿的衣服，而我却说，不。错误的选择。我们要穿托德想让我穿的衣服。我们要选择一个行动。我们要根据一些匿名的、无生命的、累积的他人意见来做出决定。

And it's also like, I always imagine, like, my inner child sitting there and, like, loving my outfit, loving what I'm wearing, and me being like, no. Wrong choice. We're gonna do what Todd wants me to wear. We're gonna choose an action. We're gonna make a decision based off, like, some anonymous, inanimate, cumulative force of other people's opinions.

你的意见对我来说没那么重要。当你为了融入而压制自己真实的想法和感受时，你是在告诉自己，你的意见和你的真相只有在别人认可时才有效。我们知道内化这种信息有多危险，因为你最终会成为一个容易被左右、容易被操纵、对自己容易残忍和刻薄的人。第三，这和我之前说的类似，但我想在这一集中给它自己的空间。你实际上无法控制别人的意见。

Your opinion doesn't matter as much to me. When you override your real thoughts and feelings just to fit in, you are telling yourself that your opinion and your truth isn't valid unless someone else approves of it. And we know how dangerous of a message that is to internalize because you end up being someone who can be easily swayed, easy easily manipulated, and easily cruel and mean to yourself. Third, and this is similar to what I was talking about before, but I just wanna give it its own space in this episode. You actually can't control other people's opinions.

即使你认为通过控制自己的行动和行为，你可以扭曲自己以显得完美，但依然会有人不喜欢你。你可以对一个人来说是完美的，而另一个人却会因此讨厌你。不是因为你做错了什么，而是因为人们有自己的偏好。人们带着自己的投射，自己的不安全感。你知道，你可以是世界上最成熟、最多汁的桃子，但仍然会有人不喜欢桃子。

Even if you think that you dictating your actions and dictating your behaviors is, you can twist yourself into knots to appear perfect and someone still won't like you. You can be perfect for one person and someone else will hate you for it. Not because you did anything wrong, but because people carry their own preferences. People carry their own projections, their own insecurities. You know, you can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still gonna be someone who doesn't like peaches.

对吧？真正的解脱不在于意识到那没关系，而在于明白他们的看法压根儿与你无关。就像你对他们的看法也与之无关一样。尽管我们渴望社会认可，但我们可以不需要那些必须卑躬屈膝才能获得的认可。世界上有足够多的人会给予你所需，而无需你改变自己。

Right? The relief isn't realizing that that's okay, And their opinion is, like, literally none of your business. The same way that your opinion of them, none of their business either. As much as we want social approval, we can live without the social approval of people who we need to bend over backwards to obtain. There are plenty of people in the world who will give you what you need without you needing to change.

即便那些人从未出现，你始终拥有自己。最后，如果今天的对话让你有所共鸣，这里有个简单的箴言或许值得铭记：我想因真实的我而被选择，而非为取悦他人而表演的版本。归根结底，你在这世上的时间极其短暂。有时强化这种存在主义视角——你确实时日无多——能提醒你：既然时光有限，你更没有余裕在意他人的眼光，尤其是那些有意无意想要贬低你的人。

And even if those people never show up, you always have yourself. Lastly, a really simple mantra that you might wanna keep close if any of today's conversation has resonated with you is that I wanna be chosen for who I am, not for the version of me that performs best for approval. You, at the end of the day, have a very short time on this earth. Sometimes reinforcing and reminding yourself of that existential perspective that you really don't have much time reminds you that if you don't have much time, you have even less time for the opinions of others. You have even less less time for the opinions of others who wanna tear you down, either consciously or unconsciously.

如果这就是你全部的所有——这段经历、你的时间和精力都弥足珍贵。请别将其浪费在他人身上。他们有时间为己，你也有时间为己。务必谨慎而郑重地使用它。

If this is all you have, this experience, your time and your energy is precious. Please do not waste it on someone else. They've got the time for themselves. You've got the time for yourself. Make sure that you are using it sparingly and in an important manner.

重申一次，我们是社会性动物。获得社会认可、被爱、被倾听、被关注或被赞美并非坏事。这些事物能深层滋养心灵。但它们只是装饰品，就像房子里的摆设。

Again, we are social beings. It's not that getting social approval or being loved or heard or seen or complimented is a bad thing. These things are deeply nourishing. It's just that these are the decorations. These are the decorations, like, in the house.

这些装饰是次要的。你必须先打好地基，盖好屋顶，筑起墙壁，安装管道。

These are the decorations that come secondary. You've gotta build the foundation. You've gotta have a roof. You've gotta have walls. You've gotta have plumbing.

你必须先让自己内心稳固挺拔，再邀请他人来装饰你的精神家园。最终，最强大且持久的认可，始终是稳定存在于你内心的那种。请别忘记这点，请别忘记珍视它。别忘了你是个了不起的狠角色，你酷得要命，你是个出色、智慧又善良的人。

You've gotta feel stable and tall in yourself before asking other people to decorate your internal home for you. At the end of the day, the strongest and most consistent kind of validation is the one that is steadily within you. Please do not forget it. Please do not forget to cherish it. Don't forget that, like, you're a freaking badass and that you're really freaking cool and that you're an amazing, intelligent, and kind person.

即便明天你生命中所有人被另一群全然不同的人取代，这一切依然成立。你内在有些东西是他人无法占有、无法改变、无权置喙的，它们的存在无关认可与否。请确保在这一切面前，你与自我本质的关系始终坚不可摧。感谢你听到这里。如果你坚持到节目尾声，我由衷感激。

And all of that would still be the case if every single person in your life was replaced with a whole other group of people tomorrow. There is something within you that no one else can have, no one else can change, no one else is entitled to, and which will exist regardless of approval or not. Make sure that your relationship with what makes you you remains strong in the face of all of that. Thank you for listening as far as you have. If you've made it to the end of the episode, I really, really appreciate it.

请在下方留言分享那些让你自信、让你能抵御不断寻求外界认可欲望的事物。对我来说，音乐就是其中之一。还有与所爱之人共度的时光。每天清晨醒来，我都告诉自己要以最深刻的方式体验这一天。如果有人批评或不理解，我真的无需向他们解释。

Leave some suggestions down below with what makes you confident and what makes you, I guess, able to fight off the desire for constant external validation. For me, like, that's music. For me, that's, like, spending time with people that I love. For me as well, that's, like, every single morning waking up and just being, like, I wanna I just wanna be I wanna experience this in the way and experience life in this day in the way that is most profound for me. And if people criticize me or if people don't understand that, like, I really don't owe them an explanation.

我认为关键在于建立这样的价值观体系——清楚自己想要什么、目标在哪里、应该成为怎样的人。其他一切都是干扰。那么你的秘诀是什么？你有什么建议？

And I think it's really having that value set, that system of, like, okay. I know what I want and I know where I'm going and I know who I need to be. Everything else is is a distraction. So what's your tip? What is your advice?

在评论区分享吧。如果你正在收听并喜欢本期节目，请记得留下五星好评。无论你通过Apple Podcasts、Spotify还是iHeartRadio收听，都请订阅我们。你也可以在Instagram上关注@thatpsychologypodcast，获取节目解析、提出节目或嘉宾建议，或是进一步讨论你对本期内容的看法。

Share it down below. Make sure to leave a five star review if you are listening and if you enjoyed this episode. And make sure you're subscribed on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, the iHeartRadio app, whether wherever you are tuning in from. You can also follow us on Instagram at that psychology podcast. If you want a breakdown of this episode, if you wanna give us an episode suggestion or a guest suggestion, if you want just to, like, talk further about your thoughts on this episode.

我很期待听到你的声音。下次见面前，请注意安全，保持善良，温柔对待自己。我们很快会再聊。

I'd love to hear from you. And until next time, be safe, be kind, be gentle with yourself. We will talk very, very soon.

让Park Wiz为您解决停车难题，成为夜间出行最轻松的部分。提前预订，直达车位，让您无需兜圈就能享受演出、比赛或夜生活。安全车位最高可享5折优惠，告别停车压力。智慧停车从此开始。立即下载Park Wiz应用。

Make parking the easiest part of your night with Park Wiz. Reserve ahead and roll right in so you can enjoy the show, the game, or a night out without circling for parking. Save up 50% off a secured space and skip the stress. Smarter parking starts here. Download the Park Wiz app today.

你可曾带着魔法来到华特迪士尼世界？嘿，我们是来尽情玩耍的。你可曾向克里奥尔公主行屈膝礼？或正式加入高飞家族？像老板一样挺身而出拯救世界？或在生命之树下体验生活？

Have you ever brought your magic to Walt Disney World like, hey. We came to play. Did you tip your tiara to a creole princess or get goofy officially? Step up like a boss and save the day? Or see what life's like under the tree of life?

你体验过吗？如果可能，你愿意吗？当我们到来时，真正的魔法就会降临，因为我们是来创造欢乐的。快来华特迪士尼世界度假区施展魔法吧。

Did you? If you could, would you? When we come through, it's true magic because we came to play. Bring the magic at Walt Disney World Resort.

当达美航空派遣四位创作者环游世界，探索旅行的真正力量时会发生什么？正是这些充满意义的小瞬间。对吧？

What happens when Delta Airlines sends four creators around the world to find out what is the true power of travel? It's these small moments of intention. Right?

不仅仅是把人送到某个地方或目的地。它连接人与人、不同文化，最终形成无法复制的独特体验。

Not just people to places and destinations. It's connecting people to other people, other cultures, and ultimately experiences that can't be replicated.

在本期由达美航空呈现的《二十几岁心理学》特别节目中，了解更多关于旅行如何促进身心健康的信息。飞得更好，活得更好。在您获取播客的任何平台收听。

Find out more about how travel can support well-being on this special episode of the psychology of your twenties presented by Delta. Fly and live better. Listen wherever you get your podcasts.

观看《合理怀疑》新季现已在Hulu上线。洛杉矶最成功的律师杰克·斯图尔特为一位被控谋杀的年轻演员辩护。跟随艾米·亚兹·科罗纳尔迪、莫里斯·切斯纳特、约瑟夫·樱井，以及客串明星卡什达尔和洛瑞·哈维，在年度最轰动审判的聚光灯下展开个人斗争。追求正义，每一步都至关重要。《合理怀疑》第三季，现已在Hulu及Disney+捆绑订阅用户的Hulu上播出。

Check out the new season of reasonable doubt now streaming on Hulu. LA's most successful attorney, Jack Stewart, defends a young actor accused of murder. Follow Emi Yazi Coronaldi, Morris Chestnut, Joseph Sakura, and guest stars Cashdahl and Lori Harvey as they fight their personal battles in the spotlight of the year's most sensational trial. In the pursuit of justice, every move counts. Reasonable Doubt season three, now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney plus for bundle subscribers.

适用条款。

Terms apply.

财务稳健是什么样子？是退休者横跨全国的公路旅行？是拥有新长期目标的人？还是刚起步的学生？iShares提供450多只ETF，让您把握无数市场机遇。

What does being financially sound like? A retiree on a cross country drive? Someone with new long term goals? A student getting their start? With over 450 ETFs, iShares gives you access to countless market opportunities.

贝莱德旗下iShares。市场由您掌控。访问www.ishares.com查阅投资观点，包括投资目标、风险、费用、支出及其他需仔细阅读考虑的信息。投资涉及本金损失风险。由Finra成员贝莱德投资有限责任公司编制。

IShares by BlackRock. The market is yours. Visit www.ishares.com to view your perspectives, which includes investment objectives, risks, fees, expenses, and other information that you should read and consider carefully before investing. Risk includes principal loss prepared by BlackRock Investments LLC member Finro.

这里是iHeart播客。

This is an iHeart podcast.