关系专家探讨出轨的隐性原因（需警惕的5个信号）马修·哈西与萨迪亚·汗

他不可能是读心者。

It's not his job to be a mind reader.

她有责任明确传达什么真正让她兴奋、让她激动、让她快乐，没有人应该在一段关系中被要求当读心者。

It's her job to make sure that she communicates the blueprint for what really turns her on, what makes her excited, what makes her happy, that no one should be asked to be a mind reader in a relationship.

而且，你不仅仅靠语言沟通，那你怎么让对方在约会六个月后就知道你有很多性方面的特殊偏好呢？

And also, you don't just communicate verbally, how do you end up, how does someone know within six months of dating you that you are a very, like you've got a lot of kinks sexually.

你已经尝试过了。

You've tried them.

你会慢慢引入一些，看看对方是否愿意积极参与。

You start to bring some of them in and you see if you have an active, a willing audience.

但这些事情，对方在那个时候就应该已经发现了。

But that's something someone should find out at that point.

我们已经很久没有做真实的自己了。

We've not been being ourselves for a long time.

如果都结婚好几年了，天啊，我该怎么向伴侣表达我真正想做的事情呢？

If we're saying years into a marriage, God, how do I communicate these things that I really want to do to my partner?

你得尽早沟通。

You've got communicate early on.

关于你的问题，我认为在这种情况下，无论是女性还是男性，事实上我经常听到很多女性说：天啊，我想和我的伴侣做些他无法开口谈论的事情。

And to answer your question, think that the woman in that situation, or the man in that situation, frankly, because I hear from a lot of women who say, God, I want to do things with my man that he's unable to talk about.

我认为双方都是如此。

I think that's true on both sides.

双方都

Both The

很多女性在性生活中感到失望，因为她们觉得：天啊，我的伴侣从不以我期待的冒险方式投入。

number of women who get disillusioned in their sex life because they're like, God, my man won't show up in the adventurous ways that I won.

我正享受着

I'm enjoying

所以这种情况是双向的。

So it happens my both ways.

天啊，有那么多女性说：我真的很想尝试这种刺激的事情，但他却对此不感兴趣，或者我害怕，因为我觉得他会因此评判我。

Oh my God, the number of women that are like, I really wanna do this kinky thing over here, and he's just not into it, or I'm afraid because I feel he'll judge me for it.

这太重要了。

That's huge.

我认为我们需要一个伴侣，当我们是接收这些信息的一方时，我们必须勇敢。

I think we have to have a partner that if we're the partner on the receiving end of that information, what we have to be is brave.

是的。

Yeah.

对。

Yes.

因为我们把这种信息当作一种威胁。

Because what we receive it as is a threat.

这意味着我对你不够好。

It's, I'm not good enough for you.

我不是你想要的那种人。

I'm not you're you want something

你不再被我吸引了。

You're other not attracted to me.

是的。

Yeah.

你想要一些我无法给予你的东西。

You want something else that I can't give you.

是的。

Yeah.

你

You

你知道，你在我之外有这么多幻想。

know, you're having all of these fantasies away from me.

你在看色情内容。

You're watching porn.

你怎么敢？

How dare you?

你在想别的女人。

You're thinking about other women.

是的。

Yeah.

这就像忽略了头条新闻。

And it's like missing the headline.

头条新闻是你的伴侣足够信任你和这段关系，才会把这件事告诉你。

The headline is your partner trusted you and the relationship enough to bring this to you.

并愿意和你进行这样的对话，这需要一些勇气。

And to have this conversation with you and it takes some bravery.

这并不容易，但要说‘他们愿意把这信息交给我，这信息很有趣’，确实需要勇气。

It's not easy, but it takes some bravery to say, Well, they're trusting me with this information and it's interesting information.

如果我能放下我的自尊，这实际上是一条有价值的信息。

It's actually, if I can get past my ego, this is valuable information.

这是一种洞察。

It's an insight.

是的。

Yeah.

是的。

Yeah.

如果我能开始勇敢一点，这就需要我打破自己的固有模式，因为如果他们真的希望我在卧室里这样表现，我就得让自己稍微不舒服一点，因为过去十年我一直在自己的舒适区里行事。

And if I can start to be brave, which will require me to break my own patterns, because if they really want me to show up like this in the bedroom, I'm gonna have to get a little uncomfortable because I've been showing up in my comfort zone for the last ten years.

是的。

Yeah.

我必须在这里成长。

I'm gonna have to grow here.

我得带来一种不同的能量。

I'm gonna have to like bring a different energy.

这需要勇气，也需要成长型思维。

That takes bravery and it takes a growth mindset.

确实如此。

It really does.

如果我们不具备这两点，当有人向我们坦白某些事情时，我们就会变得防御、羞辱或评判他们。

And if we don't have those two things, then when someone brings something to us, we're gonna get defensive or shame them or judge them for it.

然后，当然了，你实际上是在伤害这段关系。

And then of course you're creating, then you're really hurting the relationship.

但据我个人的经验，当客户来找我时，他们通常已经经历了一些程度的背叛，我总会问：你们结婚前的关系是什么样的？

But you know, in my personal experience, clients do come to me when they have had some level of betrayal, I always ask, what was your relationship like before the marriage?

在关系变得认真之前，发生了什么？

What happened before a relationship got serious?

在百分之九十九的情况下，对方早已展现出他们有能力同时维持两段关系。

And ninety nine percent of the time, the person showed them that they have the capability to have two simultaneous connections at the same time.

他们要么是从前任那里抢走了这个人，要么知道这个人当时正在约会别人，或者清楚对方已经结婚了——总有一些线索存在。

They either stole that person from an ex, that person was either dating somebody else, they knew that person was already married, there's always some signal that is there somewhere along.

更多时候，是青梅竹马突然分道扬镳，或者有人长期过着双重生活。

It's more when the childhood sweethearts and they turn out together and that comes out of the blue, or when somebody's lived a double life.

但大多数情况下，当我问他们结婚前发生了什么时，他们都能说出原因。

But majority of the time, most people, when I ask them what happened before you got married, they'll be able to

告诉我是为什么会有出轨，或者是什么原因？

tell Why you there was a cheating or what?

当关系因背叛而结束时，我总会问：结婚前有没有什么迹象表明这个人有同时维持两段关系的倾向？

When it ended because of a betrayal, I always ask, was there anything before marriage that signaled this person has a propensity to have two simultaneous connections?

十次里有九次，总会有某些线索。

Nine times out of 10, there's always something.

主要有哪些迹象呢？

What are the main things?

他当时在和别人交往吗？

That he was in another relationship?

其他同时进行的关系，或者这个人从来就没有真正单身过？

Other simultaneous relationships, or the person just never was single?

他们从一个人换到另一个人，再换到下一个人，而你只是他们用来疗愈前任伤痛的止痛药；或者他们的言行不一致，对你撒谎，你经常发现他们在说谎，但你每次都原谅了，你原谅了过去很多次的出轨，以为那些都已成过去，结婚前就翻篇了。

They went from one person to another person to another person, then they were using you as a numbing cream to get over the last person, or there was inconsistencies in the truth, they weren't telling you the truth, a lot of times you caught them in a lot of lies, and you forgave every lie, you forgave a lot of cheating in the past, you thought that is done and dusted before marriage.

所以我把责任全部归咎于那个人，而不是那个出轨者，因为我总是这么说。

So the reason why I put all the accountability on the person, rather than the actual cheat is I always say this

被出轨的那个人。

The person who was cheated on.

是的，我总是把自己也包括在内。

Yeah, I always put myself included.

我把自己的责任也放在那里，是因为我非常清楚世界上到处都有小偷，但我还是会锁门。

And the reason I put even my own accountability on there is because I'm very aware that there's thieves everywhere, but I lock my doors.

我故意这么做。

I do it on purpose.

如果我不锁门，当东西被偷时，我就不能完全感到意外。

If I leave my doors unlocked, I can't be totally blindsided if something's stolen.

同样地，我在选择伴侣时，早已在婚前看到过这些重大警示信号，但因为我爱他们，因为他们给了我绿灯，而我又如此依恋他们，所以我选择忽视，那么在这种情况下，我就不能完全成为受害者。

Similarly, I'm selecting a partner and I've seen these major flags before marriage, but because I love them and because they're given a green light because I'm so attached to them and I've chosen to ignore it, then I can't be totally the victim in this situation.

我是一个自愿的参与者。

I was a voluntary participant.

我这样说的原因是，当人们经历背叛且愤怒平息后，经常会说：‘哦，对了，一开始他就总是这样。’

And the reason I say this is so many times when people do have the betrayal and the rage is over, they'll say, Oh yeah, in the beginning he used to do this.

我本该在一开始就意识到的。

I should have known in the big.

他们总是提到关系的初期阶段。

They always refer to the beginning stages of the relationship.

他们是知道的。

They did know.

他们其实知道有些问题。

There was something that they knew.

对，没错。

Right, right.

不是的。

Not.

但他们选择了

But they chose to

他们从不出现。

like They never come.

希望他们会改变，或者将来不会再这样了，情况也是一样

Wish that they would change, or maybe they're not gonna be this way in the future, Same thing

给我们任何虐待。

with give us any abuse.

他们从不找我，直接说：昨天发生了这件事。

They never come to me and just say, yesterday this happened.

身体上还是情感上的虐待？

Physical or emotional abuse?

是的，虐待和出轨，他们从不说：昨天这事才开始。

Yeah, abuse and cheating, they never say, yesterday this started.

他们说，这一直都在发生，而我又给了他们一次机会。

They say, they've always did this, and I gave them another chance.

他们说他们会停止。

They said they would stop.

他们向我承诺会改变。

They promised me they would change.

这些话频繁出现，暗示这个人向你展示了一些东西。

Those sentences come up so much suggesting that this person showed you something.

但当我听到这些时，我真的很纠结，我认为原因就在这里。

But I think the reason when I hear this, it really, I struggle with it.

是吗？

Is it?

了解我的人都知道，就我而言，我几乎是那种极端承担责任的人。

It's not because anyone who knows me knows for me, I'm as close to like extreme ownership as you'll get as a person.

我希望拥有改变我生活中任何事物的能力。

I wanna own the ability to change anything in my life.

所以我不是那种，你知道的，爱抱怨的人。

So I'm not someone who, I'm not a, you know, complainer

那种把责任推给世界的人。

Blame the world kind of person.

是的，我不是这样的人。

Yeah, that's not me.

但许多关系的现实是，有些人极其善于说服人。

But the reality of so many relationships is that there are people who are extremely convincing.

有些人极其擅长洗脑，让你接受一些你从未想过自己会接受的事情，他们能逐渐扭曲你的现实，这种影响深远而令人敬畏，每个人都觉得这种事不可能发生在自己身上，直到它真的发生了。

There are people who are extremely their ability to brainwash you into something you never thought you would be capable of accepting, The ability to have your reality distorted over time, it is profound and it is humbling and everyone thinks it could never happen to them until it happens to them.

然后你会说，天哪，怎么会这样？

And then you go, Oh my God, how?

我怎么会允许这种情况持续这么久？

How did I allow that for so long?

而且

And

我觉得这很重要，如果我理解错了，请原谅。

I feel it's important because forgive me if I'm misreading.

不，不，不。

No, no, no.

但我感觉对你来说，核心问题是：这是你的错。

I'm But sure you're it feels like for you, the headline is, It was your fault.

而对我来说，核心问题是：这是他们的错。

And for me the headline is this was them.

在帮助你的过程中，我们一定要深入探讨：是什么让你长期以来对这些迹象视而不见、置之不理？我们需要做这项工作，以确保再也不会有人以这种方式侵入你的生活。

At some point in the process of helping you, let's definitely get to the question of what was happening in you that allowed you to turn a blind eye to this for so long or ignore those signs when they came up and let's do that work because we need to make sure that no one can ever get in in this way again.

但对我来说，唯一的疗愈之道，就是从‘这一切都是错的’这一根本认知开始。

But to me the the headline, only way to heal is to start from a place of what was done was wrong.

是的。

Yes.

是他们的问题。

It was them.

是他们的品性问题。

It was their character.

这太可耻了。

It was disgraceful.

我们是这种行为的受害者。

And that we are someone that that was done to.

这并不意味着我们无法改变现状，也不意味着我们无法摆脱困境。

That doesn't mean we can't change it and it doesn't mean we can't get out.

这并不意味着我们不能改变未来对待这些事情的方式。

It doesn't mean we can't change the way we approach these things in the future.

但我只是担心，有人听了之后会认为重点在于这是我的错，而不是重点在于这个人暴露了他们的本性，展现了他们的品格，并做出了非常、非常错误的事情，而你值得为此获得同情。

But I just worry that someone listening to this would think that the headline is it's my fault, as opposed to the headline is this person revealed who they are, showed their character and did something really, really wrong that you deserve compassion for.

我觉得你们俩都说得对。

I think you're both right.

我很高兴你说了这些，因为我相信这正是评论区里人们想表达的内容。

I'm glad that you're saying this because I'm sure this is what people in the comments are probably reaching to say.

所以我很高兴。

So I'm glad that

因为这里我可以感同身受，比如，我确实看到了那些迹象，尽管这件事是后来才发生的。

here because I can relate to like both things like, okay, here are the signs that I saw, even though, and this thing happened later.

我有责任，因为我确实看到了那些迹象。

I'm responsible because I did see signs.

是的。

Yeah.

但他们确实做了可怕的事，那是他们的错。

But also they did something horrible and it is their fault.

我觉得这二者可以并存。

I think it's a both

而且要想到。

And think

我现在可以说的是，。

it's, it's, and what I could say now is like.

这两者可以同时成立吗？

Can both of those be true?

我觉得它们可以同时成立。

I think they can both be true.

而我现在从另一个角度看待这件事，因为我自己的关系变得更健康了，那就是当我进入与玛莎的关系时，我是带着‘我不需要这段关系’的心态进入的。

And what I can say, seeing it from a different perspective now, where I feel like I'm in a healthier place in my own relationship, is that when I entered my relationship, you know, with Martha, I entered it from a place of, I don't need this relationship.

并不是说‘去你的’。

Not that I like, screw you.

我不在乎这段关系是否能成功，但我并不需要它。

I don't care if this works out or not, but I don't need this.

我不焦虑于确保这段关系发生。

I'm not anxious to make sure this happens.

当我们逐渐了解彼此时，我想的是，如果我们价值观一致，我就希望这段关系能成。

As we started to get to know each other, I was like, I want this to happen if we're in alignment on our values.

如果我们不一致，我就祝你一切顺利。

If we're not, then I wish you the best.

但如果我们的价值观不一致，我不会进入这段关系，因为那样只会产生太多摩擦。

But I'm not gonna enter something if the values are not aligned for both of us, because then we're just gonna, it's gonna be too much friction.

那会非常辛苦。

It's gonna be so hard work.

对我们双方来说都不会愉快。

It's not gonna be enjoyable for either of us.

因此，在与玛莎约会的过程中，她的言辞和行为始终与她的价值观保持一致。

And therefore in the dating process with Martha, there was never an inconsistency with her words and her actions based on her values.

是的

Yeah.

所以我能看到她的言辞和行动一致

So I was able to see words, actions, they

是的

Yeah.

她也能看到我在这一点上也是如此。

She was able to see that with me.

这意味着我们双方都必须彼此保持高度的沟通。

And that means we both had to be extremely communicative to each other.

我们必须彼此坦诚，勇敢地表达自己的愿望、需求以及不喜欢的事情，并尽早说出来。

We both had to be courageous with each other on our wants, our needs, the things we don't like, and speak those things early on.

是的

Yeah.

冒着对方可能不愿与自己继续相处的风险。

In risking someone the other person not wanting to be with each other.

对吧？

Right?

我认为因为我们是以这种方式开始的，所以感觉更健康。

And I think because we entered in that way, it feels healthier.

现在这并不意味着一切都会完美，能持续到我们余生的每一刻，或者类似的情况，但我觉得我能完全看清她是谁。

Now it doesn't mean like everything's gonna be perfect and work out for, you know, the rest of our lives or whatever, but feels like I can fully see who she is.

嗯。

Uh-huh.

如果她做了什么，当然，那可能是不符合她性格的、会伤害人的行为，但我也能接受。

And if she did something, sure, it would be out of character that would be hurtful, but I'm also okay as well.

是的。

Yeah.

另外，这里还有一个补充，我只是，嗯。

And also another side note here is like, I just, yeah.

我的意思是，我很高兴你们俩都分享了

I mean, I, I love that you both shared

这一点上，我同意，我的观点是：这是你的错。

this point Because I agree my headline is it's your fault.

我坚持这个看法。

And I really stand by that.

那个被欺骗的人。

The person who is like cheated

就是如此。

on it.

确实如此。

Did.

但你也会注意到，当女性经历离婚时，你也会听到类似的说法。

But you also see that to finish the thought here is you also hear this when women go through a divorce.

是的。

Yeah.

在你结婚当天，当你走上红毯时，你会问他们：你当时有没有觉得哪里不对劲？

And you ask them this question on your wedding day, when you're walking down the aisle, did you have a feeling that something was off?

大多数人会说感觉有点不对劲。

Most people would say something was off.

有些人可能会说，没有，

Some people might say, no,

一切都挺开心的。

everything It was a happy birthday.

一切都完美无缺。

It was perfect.

而且我根本没发现任何迹象。

And like, I had no signs.

是的。

Yeah.

但你真的有问那些棘手的问题吗？

And it's like, were you really also asking the tough questions?

那可能是

That's Maybe

你是。

you were.

是的。

Yeah.

但你问了所有这些不同的问题吗？

But did you ask all these different questions?

还是你只是想和那个人在一起？

Or did you just want to be with that person?

这就是为什么我会坚持。

And that's why I would stand

就此为止。

by that.

我不是说这是你的错。

I'm not saying it's your fault.

你被欺骗了，这是

That's something you got cheated

继续。

on.

我不是说不。

I'm not saying no.

你们两个人有没有过这样的经历：一段亲密关系、友谊或商业合作，突然因为对方没有出现而让你大感意外？

Have neither of you ever had a personal relationship, a friendship, or a business relationship that really caught you off guard when someone didn't show up.

你当时心想：天啊，那天我真以为他们会来支持我。

And you thought, God, that was a day where I really thought they'd show up for me.

但他们没来。

And they didn't.

这真的让你措手不及。

It really caught you off

这从未发生过。

That's never happened.

但我

But I

一直都在。

was always there.

你就像说，

You're like,

可能曾经有过一些羞耻感。

oh, there might have

被羞耻感笼罩。

been some shame.

但那是存在

But that's There

存在一些

is There some

但你

But you

怀有希望，

have hope that

但我们却对自己缺乏同情心，竟然如此认为

we But it's should say so lacking in self compassion to

直接归咎于

go straight to

你，因此这是我的错。

you, and therefore it's my fault.

这并不是说他们没出现就是你的错

It's not making it's your fault that they don't show up

对你而言。

for you.

但感觉像是对不恰当的期待感到懊恼，以下是我要说的。

But it feels like for having the wrong expectations on the wrong Here's what I would say.

我始终坚持，生活中的一切都是你的责任。

I definitely stand by it's your fault in life with everything.

你的体重也是你的责任。

Your weight is your fault.

一切，你的收入也是你的责任。

Everything Your income is your is your responsibility.

我正在

I'm on

这些是不同的事情。

the Those are different things.

过错和责任是非常

Fault and responsibility are very

不同的事情。

different things.

但有些人说，这是你的后果，那是一种积极的后果。

But some people say it's your consequence, which is like a positive one.

这是选择的后果。

It's a consequence of choices.

对，但这种后果并不总是能与过错联系起来，在很多情况下，这种联系是奇怪的。

Right, but that consequence doesn't To connect all of that with fault is a strange connection to make in a lot of cases.

责任总是有意义的。

Responsibility makes sense always.

无论我今天在哪里，为改善我的生活而承担责任，永远都意义重大。

Wherever I am today, me taking responsibility for making my life better always and forever makes sense.

但我发现，花时间纠结于该责怪谁，既毫无成效，也完全缺乏自我同情。

But I find spending this time worrying about where to point the finger to be quite unproductive and also completely devoid of self compassion.

确实，有些人我们可能观察到他们的行为存在不一致，或者看到一些我们不喜欢的事情。

And it is absolutely true that there are people who we may have seen on a lower level some inconsistency in their behaviour or we may have seen some things that we didn't love.

任何经历过自恋型关系的人都会告诉你，当事情真正爆发时，对方让你震惊的方式，往往并非突然，而是有一条从长期积压的轻微不满逐渐升级的轨迹，比如我得了癌症，他们却不愿送我去医院。

It is anyone who spends a lot of time in narcissistic relationships will tell you that the ways that someone was able to shock them when things really hit the fan, Could there wasn't some steady trajectory to like low level grievances to, I had cancer and they wouldn't drive me to the hospital.

是的。

Yeah.

没人能预知，直到身临其境，才真正了解谁会...

No one knows until they're in that place, no one knows who

那个人始终如一，我不同意这种说法。

that I person always is disagree gonna with that.

我非常不同意这一点，因为很少有人在你患癌症住院时却无法兑现承诺。

And I would highly disagree with that because very few people who maintain promises then don't show up when you're in the hospital for cancer.

所以，当我想到我的丈夫时，我之所以如此依恋他、选择他，是因为我从未经历过约会取消的情况。

So when I'm, my husband, one of the reasons why I'm so attached and why I selected is because I never experienced a canceled date.

我从未经历过迟到。

I never experienced late.

他从不会说‘我三点到’，然后五点才来，从来没有过。

It was never a case where he'd say, I'm coming at three, he'd come at five, Never.

我记得，从来没有过取消的约会。

And I remember there would never be a canceled date.

所以当你一直和这样的人相处，而当我因癌症住院时他却没出现，我就可以坦诚地说，这或许不是我的错，或者他的性格已经发生了变化，而我却没有留意到。

So when you're dealing with that person, and then I went into hospital for cancer and he didn't turn up, then I can honestly say, well, this may not be my fault or there's been such a change in his character that I haven't paid attention to.

也许最近他一直在违背承诺，但这次只是我注意到的最后一个而已。

Maybe recently he has been breaking promises, but this is just the final one that I paid attention to.

因此，我仍然会为此承担责任。

So I would still take onus on that.

我认为应该用自我责任取代自我同情，因为对自己 compassionate 会让你觉得自己是那些糟糕的人的受害者。

The reason why I think self compassion should be replaced with self responsibility is being compassionate with yourself will allow you to think that you are a victim to other people who are just terrible.

但当你意识到选择在决定你的结果时比任何其他因素都更重要时，你会对选择更加谨慎。

But when you realize that selection is more important in determining your outcomes than any other factor, you'll be more cautious of selection.

听到你说自我同情不是答案，我真的很震惊。

I'm truly shocked to hear you say that self compassion isn't the answer.

不，我不这么认为。

No, I don't believe that.

我，这，我觉得你对

I'm, that's, I find What your definition

自我责任和自我同情的定义是？

of self responsibility versus self compassion?

我认为自我同情是原谅自己的错误，但不忽视自己确实犯了错。

I think self compassion is forgiving yourself for your mistakes, but not ignoring you made the mistakes.

所以我说的自我同情，就是这是我的错。

So what I mean by self compassion, it's my fault.

生活中的一切都是我的错。

Everything in life is my fault.

我可能觉得这种积极的想法需要承担责任。

I might think that mid- positive, you may need responsibility

或者说是过错。

or fault.

我的意思是，我原谅自己，但另一种选择是这不是我的错，全是他们的责任，而我只是需要修正自己。

Mean- But I forgive myself is that, but the other alternative is it's not my fault, it's all them, and I just need to fix You should rule out your myself.

让我们来讨论一下，因为你

Let's take this because you

必须相信有些情况是人们无法控制的。

have to believe that there are situations that people are

其中有些情况并不是他们的错。

in that are not their fault.

要。

Do.

我无法想象你会说，一个经历虐待的青少年，这是他们的错。

I can't imagine that you would say, a teenager who goes through abuse, it's their fault.

我会说，看看你的父母和兄弟姐妹，大多数人都是自我选择的结果。

I would say that, look, of your parents and your siblings, most people are self selection.

当然，你的环境也会对这种选择产生影响。

And of course your environment can help that with that selection as well.

或者好吧，我们来谈谈那些遭遇虐待却完全无法预见的成年人。

The- Or okay, let's take the adult that goes through abuse that they couldn't have seen coming.

这是他们的错吗？

That's their fault?

你能给我举个例子吗？

Can you give me an example?

是像父母虐待他们那样的情况吗？

Is it like a parent that's abusing them?

不是，是伴侣。

No, a partner.

一段关系。

A relationship.

他们才约会第三次的人。

Someone they're on date three with.

关键是，逼你留在这段关系里的枪，是你自己的自尊。

Here's the thing, the gun that's holding you to that relationship is your own self esteem.

不。

No

没人一直觉得你怎么样

one's no one pointing been thinking a you

他们不知道自己做了什么。

don't know that they've done anything.

那种认为每个人总是、总是、永远都表明的想法

The idea that everyone always, always and forever indicates

那

that

他们是一些恶劣的人，这感觉真的很天真，因为外面有那么多高明的骗子。

they are something nasty, is a kind of, it feels really naive to me because there are such talented liars out there.

确实有。

And there are

有一些真正高明的自恋者，他们知道如何塑造自己的形象，以及如何在你的世界中表现自己。

some truly talented narcissists who know how to create an impression of who they are and the way they show up in your world.

我并不是说，当我们真正留心时，不会发现别人告诉我们的和他们的行为之间存在诸多矛盾。

I'm not saying that there aren't many, many situations where if we were really paying attention, we'd see discrepancies what someone's telling us and what the actions are.

当然。

Of course.

当然。

Course.

我们会遭遇爱轰炸，但我们没有察觉到。

We get love bombed where But we don't see

有很多情况是你根本无法预见到某人会如何严重地背叛你，这就像是说，你知道的，有人上周答应还我100美元吃晚饭，但后来忘了。

there's plenty of situations where you could not have seen coming just how badly someone betrayed you or just It's like saying, you know, someone who forgot to pay me back $100 for dinner last week when they said they would.

你

You

你知道吗，六个月后他们盗刷了我的银行账户，我才意识到，我本该早有察觉的。

know, six months later when they robbed my bank account, I go, I should have seen it coming.

他们没还我晚餐的钱。

They didn't pay me back for dinner.

这两件事之间的差距太大了，而人类在某些时刻确实能做出令人震惊的巨大转变，当

Such a leap between those two things, and human beings are capable of those giant leaps in moments that truly shock us when

但我认为，人们并不是真的做出了这些巨大的跳跃，而是当我选择对这个人视而不见时，看起来才像是一种跳跃。

But they have I also think people, it's not that they make those giant leaps, it's just that when I decide to go blind with this person, it looks like a leap.

我可能遇到过一个人，有一次没还我一笔费用，或者另一次也没还。

I might have met somebody who didn't pay me back for one fee, or didn't pay me back another time.

我已经对这些视而不见了，你看，外面确实有很多高明的骗子，但他们只对天真的人有效。

I've become blind to it, it's Look, there are very talented liars out there, but they only work with naive people.

高明的骗子无法——这在我身上行不通，因为我对此很敏感。

Talented liar cannot That's work in my I've not experienced it because I'm attuned to it.

必须有一种共谋式的接受，因为人们无法隐藏自己的本性。

There has to be a level of complicit accepting, there has to be, because people can't hide character.

他们可以隐藏行为，但无法隐藏本性。

They can hide behaviors, but they can't hide character.

有些人，你知道，能够蒙骗极其聪明的人。

There are people who, you know, There are people who are able to pull the wool over incredibly smart people's eyes.

把所有经历过这种情况的人都贴上天真的标签，也许不太公平。

To label everyone who's ever been through that situation as naive Maybe is

这是一种信任。

there's trusting.

也许这是一种

Maybe it's

只是信任。

just Just trusting.

我不是说天真是一种负面特质。

A I'm not saying naive as a bad trait.

我们现在是把信任等同于天真了吗？

Are we labeling trusting as naive now?

是的，当行为和言语不一致时。

Yes, when the behaviors and words don't align

但我们并没有，你说的信任，我们说的是骗子的行为和言语在一段时间内可以保持一致。

But we're not and you saying trust we're saying a liar's behaviors and words can align for a while.

一段时间是个关键词。

For a while is a keyword.

但当另一只鞋掉下来时，我该说什么？

But then when the other shoe drops, what do I say?

是我自己的错，没能以某种方式预见到这一切吗？

It's my fault for not somehow predicting this?

作为一个人，我们的责任不只是相信别人最好的一面，而是相信别人的真实一面。

Our responsibility as a human being is not to just believe the best in people, it's to believe the truth in people.

但他们向我展示的是最好的一面，我看到的是一个很棒的人。

But they were showing me the best in I was seeing a great person.

总有一天，没人能24小时不间断地撒谎，一周七天都这样

At some point, nobody can lie twenty four hours a day, seven days

因为你并不是24小时都盯着他们。

By not seeing them twenty four hours a day.

但即使以你的经验来看，人们也会表现出迟到、不遵守承诺，或者在社交媒体上做些别的事，但当……

But even in your experience, people will show you they come late, they don't listen to promises, they might be doing different things on social But when

有人迟到了，我并不会认为他们四周后会对我做些可怕的事。

someone shows up late, I don't think that they're gonna do something horrible to me four weeks later.

那不一定就会导致那样的结果，但总会有更大的迹象预示着更大的背叛。

That's not necessarily gonna lead to that, but there's always bigger signs that lead to bigger betrayals.

我 personally 从未遇到过这样的客户：他们被严重背叛，而这却是对方第一次让他们失望。

I personally have never come across a client that's been hugely betrayed and this is the first time this person's ever let them down ever in their life.

我从未见过这种情况。

I've never seen that.

你不会听到我说，在很多情况下，当我们回过头看时，根本没有迹象可循。

You won't find me saying that there aren't in many cases signs that when we look back we couldn't have seen.

我们经常这么做。

We often do.

但我所见过的虐待范围之广，以及它如何发生在任何人身上，任何人都可能遭遇。

But the scope of abuse that I have seen makes it and how it can happen to absolutely anybody, anybody.

我认识的最聪明、最强壮的人，都经历过最糟糕的事情。

The smartest, strongest people I know have been through some of the worst things.

这让我无法得出结论说这是他们的错。

It makes it impossible for me to come to a conclusion that it's their fault.

这让我无法，或者说，绝对不可能从‘你不需要自我同情’这种立场出发。

It makes it impossible for me to It certainly would make it impossible for me to ever start from a place of saying, self compassion isn't what you need.

你需要明白的是，这是你的错。

What you need is to know is your fault.

你如何定义自我同情？

What is your definition of self compassion?

因为如果自我同情意味着推卸责任，那当然不是；但如果是指原谅自己的错误呢。

Because if it's ridding yourself of responsibility, wouldn't, but if it's a case of forgiving yourself for your mistakes.

让我以我自己为例，生活中对我帮助最大的是，如果有人以某种方式跟我说话，让我回到了童年。

Let me give you, with myself, what's helped me so much in life is if some, let's say someone speaks to me in a way that takes me back to childhood.

我当时并不知道正在发生什么，但这个人说话的方式仿佛直接穿透了我内心某个部分。

I don't know it's happening in that moment, but some way that this person is speaking to me has like cut straight through to some part

之一

of it

而此刻我感受到的是，我的整个神经系统都进入了战斗或逃跑状态。

And what I feel in this moment is like my whole nervous system has gone into fight or flight.

对我帮助最大的，莫过于自我同情。

What has helped me more than anything else is self compassion.

并不是说，我现在有了这种感觉，就对自己说：马修，这都是你的错，你才会产生这种感觉。

It's not, know, I've got this feeling now and I go, Matthew, you know this is your fault that you have this feeling.

对我帮助最大的是意识到，这种感觉源自很久很久以前的某个地方。

What's helped me the most is to go, this feeling comes from somewhere way, way, way back.

我并没有在选择。

I was not picking.

我现在并没有选择这种感受。

I didn't pick this feeling right now.

我并没有主动要求这种感受。

I did not volunteer for this feeling.

我今天早上并没有想：我想要有什么样的感受？

I didn't wake up today and go, what feeling do I want to have?

哦，那种强烈的焦虑感，因为对方刚才对我的语气，让我感觉自己像个被贬低的孩子。

Oh, crippling anxiety, feeling like infantilized in front of this person because of the tone they just used with me.

它把我带回了某个我绝对没有选择过的时刻，那种神经系统的反应早已被固化了。

It has taken me back to something which was a time I certainly didn't choose this nervous system response that's gotten wired in.

所以，对我有帮助的不是自我责备。

So what has helped me is not self blame.

对我帮助最大的，是极大的自我同情——天啊，我现在感受到的这种情绪，并不是我自己造成的，那一刻的自责对我毫无用处。

What has helped me more than anything else is a tremendous amount of self compassion that, God, this is not actually The feeling I'm having right now is Self coming from somewhere blame in that moment is utterly useless to me.

顺便说一句，自我同情正是构建这样的认知的基础——天啊，马修，你知道吗？

And Self compassion is that, by the way, becomes the building block for, Oh God, Matthew, you know what?

你现在有这种感觉，其实并不是你的错。

It's actually not your fault that you feel this right now.

这种感觉你一直都有，从你从未选择过它的那个时期就开始了。

You've had this your whole life dating back to a time where you never chose it.

猜猜看，马修？

Guess what, Matthew?

你可以改变它。

You can change it.

你现在就可以做得更好。

You can do something about it in this moment better.

让我们从自我同情的角度出发，同时也要明白，这并不是你的错，但我们依然可以采取行动。

And let's start from this place of self compassion and also know that it's okay, it's not your fault, but we can do something about it.

这两者的结合就是奇迹。

The combination of those two things is magic.

但如果你去掉其中一点，只说我们需要的不是自我同情，而是直接跳到‘这是你自己的错，才让自己陷入这种感觉’。

But to remove one and say, what we need instead is not self compassion, but just jumping to, it's your fault for getting yourself into this feeling.

我听到你们两人都说过，

Here's what I've heard you both say,

当有人遭遇了不公对待时，

that when someone has had something wrong to them happen,

什么

what

我听到你说，通常我们会陷入愤怒，责怪外部因素。

I'm hearing you say, what tends to happen is we go into anger, blame Externalizing.

是的。

Yeah.

然后怪罪对方，伤害了我。

And make wrong, this person hurt me.

这可以说是最初的冲击。

That's kind of the first shock.

然后我认为很多人会想，我怎么了？我内心到底有什么问题，才会选错人或没看出征兆。

Then I think a lot of people go into, oh, how did I, what was so messed up within me where I chose poorly or I didn't see the signs.

然后我们开始自我怀疑。

And then we start to self doubt.

我们开始责怪自己。

We start to blame ourselves.

对吧？

Right?

当你对他人愤怒时，我们会一直愤怒下去，因为我们不愿意面对自己。

Where you get angry at others and we keep being angry because we don't wanna face ourselves eventually.

我会想，我到底哪里做错了，如果有的话？

I'm like, oh, where did I go wrong if there was anywhere?

以及这件事发生在我们身上所带来的羞耻感。

And the shame around this happening to us.

而在那一刻，自我同情显得尤为重要。

And that's where it sounds like self compassion is huge to have at that point.

要对自己充满同情，说：好吧，这件事确实发生在我身上。

To be compassionate towards self and say, okay, this happened to me.

这个人对我做了可怕的事情。

This person did something horrible to me.

也许存在虐待，也许发生了某种悲剧。

Maybe there was abuse, maybe there's whatever, something tragic happened.

而我内心的那个部分需要爱、善意、自我宽恕和同情。

And the person in me needs some love and some kindness and some self forgiveness and compassion.

听起来你刚才说的是——

And it sounds like what I'm hearing you say-

这可能是救命的

Which might be a life saving

但那个打老婆的人呢？

thing, But what I about the person that beats their wife?

因为他们小时候，有人经常打他们，或者他们看到父亲这么做。

Because when they were young, somebody used to beat them, or they saw their dad doing it.

他们应该说这不是我的错，这不是我内心的孩子，所以我必须原谅、理解自己，还是应该说：不，不，不，我明白你经历过这一切。

Should they say this isn't my fault and this isn't like, this is a child in me and therefore I have kind of have to forgive, like just kind of understand myself or should they say, no, no, no, listen, I understand you've been through all of this.

我明白，但你没有权利把痛苦转嫁给别人。

I get it, but you don't have the right to bleed on others.

你确实没有这个权利。

You don't have the right to.

是的，没错，但你这种心态我不认同，我知道，但如果这种想法落在错误的人手里呢？

Yeah, so what But you that don't have mentality, I know, but what if it's in the wrong hands?

因为要让某件事真正有用，它必须具有普遍真实性。

Where for something to be useful, it has to be universally true.

我不是说那个，但殴打妻子的人

I'm not saying that the, but it doesn't, someone who beats their wife

应该被审判，但不应该

should But it be tried and should is not

他们是无辜的。

their fault.

如果他们无法控制自己，就应该被强制隔离，远离文明社会。

Should have to, and should be removed from polite society if they can't help themselves.

或者反过来，女性打男人，或者抱歉，无论哪种性别，

Or the other way, women hitting a man or, sorry, to Either gender, way,

我觉得这对我来说无所谓。

I think it doesn't matter to me.

我知道，对此必须采取一些措施，但这并不意味着当这个人出现时，我无法同时持有两种观点：一方面，那个女人绝不能靠近那个男人，那个男人必须为他的行为受到惩罚，当然应该被彻底隔离，不能再有机会继续这样做；

A, know, something has to be done about that, but it doesn't mean that when that person comes I'm able to hold both truths where I can say that woman should be nowhere near that man, that man should face punishment for doing that, should certainly be removed from any way he can continue to do that.

但同时，他康复的根源仍然是自我同情。

But also the root to his healing is still self compassion.

它依然是。

It still is.

不是让她去给予他同情，而是他必须准备好去治愈。

It's not for her to give him compassion, but it is the point that he's ready to heal.

唯一能让他康复的，是他真正地实践自我同情。

The only thing that will allow him to heal is for him to truly exercise self compassion.

并且原谅自己，而且要

And forgive himself And for

能够度过这一阶段，并选择一种更好的回应方式。

to be able to move through that and to choose a better way of responding.

因为目前他对任何感受的反应系统都是可耻的。

Because right now his response system to whatever he's feeling is a despicable one.

因此，必须建立一种更好的反应机制。

And so a better response system has to be developed.

自我同情仍然起着作用。

Self compassion still plays a part.

但我听到萨迪亚的意思是，一旦你经历了自我同情和疗愈之旅，你就必须为自己的行为负责。

What I'm hearing Saadia saying though is once you go through the self compassion and the healing journey, you've got to take responsibility for your actions.

是这样吗？

Is that

是的，我明白你的意思。

Yeah, what I hear you I do.

无论你是施虐者还是受虐者，你都得说：好吧，我能在哪些方面承担责任？

Whether you're the one who was the abuser, or the one who got abused, you have to say, okay, where can I take responsibility

因为自我同情对心理稳定的人很有帮助，但世界上有很多人并不稳定，有时他们的自我同情会演变为自恋？

for Because this self compassion is a great thing for those who are mentally stable, but there are lots of people in the world who are not, and sometimes their self compassion leads to their narcissism?

它会导致：不，这不是我的错。

It leads to, No, this is not my fault.

这不是我做的。

This is not what I did.

这是童年时发生的事。

It's what happened in childhood.

我认为是不安全感导致了自恋，而不是自我同情。

I think insecurity leads to narcissism, not self compassion.

过度的自我同情可能源于不安全感。

Excessive self compassion can come from insecurity.

它可能来自：我不是故意的，我没有，我不能，什么都没有，我不确定是否真的存在这种事。

It can come from, I don't mean to do this, I didn't, I couldn't Nothing, find I don't know if that there's thing in

我认为那是自我吹捧。

in I think that's self aggrandization.

我觉得这是完全不同的事情。

Think that's a very different thing.

也许吧，但任何东西过度了都会怎样？当我提到自我同情时，我指的是过度的情况，我之所以这么说，是因为我意识到互联网上充斥着心理健康和不健康的人，所以这个信息并不总是能传达给心理健康的人，当我接到一些人的电话，他们对我说：‘我知道他只是回避型，所以他才对我这么差’，或者‘我知道她就是那种人’，他们总是找借口时，我就意识到了这一点。

Perhaps, but wouldn't anything in excess be, look, when I say self compassion, something in an excess, the reason I do it is because I recognize the internet is filled with healthy people and unhealthy people, so the message is not always landing on healthy people, and I realize this when I get phone calls from people who say to me, Oh, know that he's just avoidant, so that's why he treats me bad, Or I know that she's just a they kind of make

借口。

excuses.

让

Let

我问你一个问题。

me ask you this.

一个人长期与一个严重虐待他们的人在一起，你认为他们是缺乏自责，还是缺乏自我同情？

A person who has been in a relationship for a long time with someone who has treated them terribly, do you think that they are lacking in self blame or lacking in self compassion?

我会说他们缺乏自我责任感。

I would say they're lacking in self accountability.

我真的认为这在于同情

I really think it's in a compassion

但如果他们对自己更有同情心，他们就会达到一个不再愿意容忍这种状况的境界，因为如果你真正对自己有同情心，你就不会让自己身处危险之中。

But if they had more compassion for themselves, they would get to a point where they would no longer want to tolerate that because if you have true compassion for yourself, you don't put yourself in harm's way.

我认为你所忽略或认为不重要甚至错误的那一步，恰恰是这个人一直以来所缺失的、所需要的。

I would say the step that you're removing or saying is not important or is even wrong is actually the thing that's been missing all along that that person needs.

有时候，这种同情心会让他们产生这样的想法：我知道我伤得这么深，我不能独自一人。

Sometimes the compassion can lead them into thinking, I know I'm so wounded, I can't be alone.

我知道我就是这样一个人，总是孤身一人，我不能长大后无家可归。

I know I'm like this person who's always been alone, I can't grow up homeless.

这种对自己的同情让他们意识到自己有多么依赖他人。

That compassion for themselves has made them understand how needy they can be.

有时候，你需要把这种同情心转化为行动。

And sometimes you wanna shift that compassion to, okay, action.

我理解这些都是原因，但过度的自我同情会导致人停滞不前。

I understand this is all the reasons, but excessive self compassion can lead to people being stagnant.

我认为这是不完整的自我同情。

I think that's incomplete self compassion.

自我同情就是理解我为什么是现在的样子。

Self compassion is, I understand why I am the way I am.

即使在我最糟糕的日子，我也能全面地看待自己，并结合我所经历的一切来理解自己。

I can view myself holistically, even on my worst days and contextually within everything I've ever been through.

而且

And

我不再把生活中所有做错的事、遗憾、羞耻和不安全感拿来伤害自己——而这就是留在虐待或有毒关系中的表现；相反，我会对自己真正充满同情，也就是接纳这些自我部分，并将改善自己的生活作为使命，而不是认为我该受惩罚、该被这样对待，或者这

instead of taking all of these things that I do wrong in life, my regrets, my shame, my insecurities, and using them to actually hurt myself, which is what staying in an abusive or toxic relationship is, I'm gonna have true compassion for myself, which is I'm gonna accept these parts of myself and I'm going to make it my mission to give myself a better life instead of thinking that I deserve this punishment or that I deserve this treatment or that this is

全部，不，要认为这是值得的

all No, think it's worthy

关于值得。

about deserving.

自我，一切都是值得的

Self It's all worthy

自我同情既包括全面接纳自己，也包括承担起照顾自己的责任。

compassion is both accepting yourself holistically and then also accepting the responsibility for taking care of yourself.

我明白，但你所说的这种做法还不算是真正的自我同情。

I see, to me, kind of thing you're talking about still isn't true self compassion.

我想表达的其实是自我理解。

It's more self understanding is what I'm trying to say.

我是什么

What am

我觉得，你所说的如果一个人因为自己经历过什么就纵容自己对自己很糟糕，或者纵容别人对自己很糟糕——

I I think this, what you're saying is if someone is, you're saying I'm excusing myself treating myself horribly and someone else treating myself horribly-

因为他们确实如此。

Because they were.

因为我的经历。

Because of what I've been through.

是的，没有责任感的同情会导致停滞。

Yeah, compassion without responsibility leads to stagnation.

我认为同情会带来责任感。

I think compassion leads to responsibility.

也许在某种程度上，自我同情与责任是联系在一起的。

Perhaps in the way, Self yeah, compassion I'm to responsibility.

是的，也许我对真正的自我同情理解有误，但我真心认为，能激励我的是我个人的经历，我不能代表所有人，甚至有时当我与客户交谈时，我的重点是：原谅自己这种行为。

Yeah, maybe I'm misunderstanding what true self compassion means, but I genuinely think what will ignite was me personally, and I can't speak for everybody, and also even sometimes when I speak to clients and my focus is, okay, forgive yourself for this behavior.

你就是这么成长起来的。

You've grown up like this.

你小时候无家可归，或者有虐待你的父母。

This is you're homeless sometimes, or you had abusive parents.

你可以原谅自己接受虐待，但然后呢？

You forgive yourself for accepting abuse, but now what?

而‘然后呢’这部分意味着：你这一生都要继续接受这种状况吗？

And then the now what part says, does that mean for the rest of your life you're gonna accept this?

现在是你自己在选择。

Now it's your self selecting.

如果你的童年是自我同情的父母，那么你的成年就是自我选择。

If your childhood is your self compassionate parent, your adulthood is your self selection.

所以你的成年生活必须从这种富有同情心的状态转向负责任的状态。

So your adult life has to be moving from that compassionate state to that accountable state.

不过它们总是相伴而行。

They always live hand in hand though.

我们永远都需要自我同情。

We're gonna need self compassion- Forever.

还要再重复十万次。

A 100,000 more times.

我会犯更多错误。

I'm gonna make so many more mistakes.

每当我的本能是自我压迫时。

And there are gonna be so many My instinct is self tyranny.

那就是

That's

正是

that is

自我，那不是专制。

self That's self not, tyranny.

如果你说那叫责任感，它让我半生都痛苦不堪，因为我总在想：不行，我得出去做这个，我得对这个负责，如此这般，却从不给予自己自我同情。

If you wanna say that's like responsibility, it's made me miserable for half my life is constantly thinking that I'm, no, I need to go out and I need to do this and I need to take responsibility for this and so on, and never offering myself self compassion.

自我同情是我每天需要上千次的东西，如果我不小心，一周才给自己两次。

Self compassion is something I need a thousand times a day and I give myself twice a week if I'm not careful.

所以我还需要更多次这样的自我同情。

So I'm going to need that many more times.

而将自我同情与承担责任结合起来，是一种极其强大的组合。

And that allied with taking accountability is an unbelievably potent combination.

但如果没有同情心的承担责任，就是走向自我专制的命令。

But the accountability without the compassion is a mandate for self tyranny.

你能否想象，承担责任并做出更好的选择，会带来自我同情，因为你过着更建设性的生活？

Would you imagine that taking accountability and making better choices then creates self compassion because you're leading a life that is more constructive?

嗯，我不认为其中一个会导向另一个

Well, I don't think one leads to

我从未在所有日子里，对不起，我自动地，我的意思是

the other automatically I at mean, I've never, all the days I'm I've sorry

别再继续谈这个了。

to keep talking about this.

我并不

I don't

我不是想说，

mean to be like,

你如此是

This you're so is

我的意思是

It mean I

听起来你们俩都认为自我同情和责任感都很重要。

sounds like you both think self compassion and responsibility are important.

是的。

Yeah.

但可能是反过来的。

But maybe the wrong way around.

也许应该反过来想。

Maybe rethink it the wrong way around.

你刚才说的，承担责任并不会导致自我同情。

What you just said, that doesn't taking responsibility lead to self compassion.

实际上并不会。

It actually doesn't.

我质疑

I challenge

请在场的每个人告诉我，你们是否持不同看法。

everyone in the audience to tell me if they think otherwise.

你留下评论告诉我。

You leave a comment and tell me.

但我发现，我一生中大多数日子都努力工作

But I have found that I've worked hard most days of my life

而且

and

每天结束时，我并不会因此对自己更富有同情心。

every day I get to the end of the day and it doesn't make me more compassionate towards myself.

每天结束时，我都对自己说：六小时后我会再把你拉回来，重新让你参加训练营。

Every day I get to the end of the day and I say, I'll see you in six hours when I'm gonna put you through your paces again and take you to boot camp all over again.

我每天早晨的生活模式都是从亏欠状态开始的

And every morning my pattern in my life has been waking up in deficit

而且

and

想着今天必须拼命工作，才能赚到我的房租。

thinking I need to go and kill myself today working hard so that I've earned my rent.

但你为什么觉得每天都要这么做呢？

But why do you feel you need to do that every day?

因为我缺乏自我同情。

Because I lack self compassion.

嗯嗯。

Mhmm.

这就是重点。

That's the point.

如果没有自我同情，我可能会一生都陷入自我虐待的循环。

Is that without self compassion, I can put myself in a cycle of abuse my whole life.

因此，自我同情是一个至关重要的组成部分，而由此产生的责任感不仅让我们能够解决问题，

So self compassion is a vital component and then the accountability that can arise out of that is not only something that allows us to solve problems,

而且

but

而且你这样做是出于一种疗愈的心态。

it's also then you're doing it from a very healing place.

你不是出于自我憎恨来做这件事。

You're not doing it from a place of self hatred.

你一生都可以从自我憎恨的角度承担责任，很多人确实如此。

You can take responsibility your whole life from a place of self hatred, and many people do.

许多人进入成年后，终其一生都在努力工作、逼迫自己、对自己苛刻，擅长自我苛责，一生都活在痛苦和自我憎恨中，从不觉得自己足够好。

Many people come into adulthood and for the rest of their lives, they work hard and they push themselves and they're hard on themselves and they are masters of taking they spend their whole lives miserable and hating themselves and never feeling good enough.

自我同情是一种魔力，它意味着当你承担责任时，这种责任是出于爱，而不是恐惧或憎恨。

Self compassion is the magic that means that when you are accountable, accountability is done from love, not from fear or hatred.

好的，我个人认为，我低估了自我同情的力量，我用自尊来替代它。

Okay, and I would personally, I think I underestimate the power of self compassion and I replace it with self respect.

在我看来，你心理健康以及对待他人方式的根本要素，来自于自尊。

And for me, the fundamental ingredient in both your mental health and the way you treat others comes from self respect.

而我获得自尊的方式，是在生活的每个领域做出负责任且富有成效的决定。

And how I gain self respect is by making accountable and productive decisions in every area of my life.

这包括我吃的食物、我起床的时间、我选择的伴侣，以及我如何对待他们。

It's the food I eat, whether it's the time I wake up, or whether it's a partner I select and it's how I treat them.

自我同情是次于自尊的。

Now self compassion is secondary to self respect.

它才是首要的。

It's first.