838：信件！真实的信件！

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This message comes from Capital One. Banking with Capital One helps you keep more money in your wallet with no fees or minimums on checking accounts and no overdraft fees. Just ask the Capital One bank guy. It's pretty much all he talks about in a good way. Capital One, what's in your wallet?

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Terms apply. See capital1.com/bank. Capital One NA, member FDIC.

温馨提示：本期节目含有未经哔音处理的脏话。如需收听消音版本，请访问我们的官网thisamericanlife.org。

A quick warning. There are curse words that are unbeeped in today's episode of the show. If you prefer a beeped version, you can find that at our website, this american life dot org.

关于送信有件事我以前不知道——投递完一户后不该每次都走回人行道。要想准时完成路线，应该直接穿过草坪去下一户。

One thing I didn't know about delivering mail, you're not supposed to walk down to the sidewalk after each house. You're supposed to cut across the lawn to the next house if you wanna finish the route on time.

毕竟他们会计时。只要能避免，我们就不该每次都绕回人行道。

I mean, they time us. We're not supposed to go down to the sidewalk every time if we can avoid it.

就直接踩过人家的草坪？

And just walk across people's grass?

草坪？没错。大家都希望政府高效运转，却不愿邮递员踩自家草坪。不过像这户人家就特意为我修了条小路。

Grass? Yes. Everybody wants the government to be efficient except for the mailman to walk across their grass. But people like these guys built a path for me.

看，这些灌木丛中间确实有条泥土小径。

So, yeah, there's a little dirt path in between these bushes.

因为住户很贴心。

Because they're nice.

我曾跟随一位名叫格蕾丝的邮递员体验她的投递路线。那是个晴朗的日子，社区绿树成荫景色宜人。格蕾丝背着装有信件、广告册和包裹的邮包。当然，也有住户特意为她铺设了通往隔壁的小路。她能和任何人聊上几句。

I went out with a letter carrier named Grace as she walked her route. It was a pretty day in a leafy, lovely neighborhood. Grace carried a shoulder bag with flats and catalogs and parcels. And, of course, somebody built a path for her to cut to the house next door. She can talk to anybody.

她对他人很感兴趣。所以目前，她对路线上大部分人的情况至少略知一二。其中大多数人，她实际上都见过他们的面孔。她会走到一户人家门前。

She's interested in other people. So at this point, she knows at least a little bit about most of the people on her route. Most of them, she's actually seen their faces. She'll walk up to a house.

有时候门口站着的是表亲之类的人，我甚至能认出来。我会说，你和妻子长得一模一样，我知道她在丹麦有亲戚。你就是那个丹麦姐妹。我走近时就能认出来，然后她会惊讶地说，确实如此。我就说，我告诉过你吧。

Sometimes it'll be like the cousin out front or whatever, and I'll I'll even know that. I'll be like, you have the same face as the wife, and I know she has family in Denmark. You're the Denmark sister. I'll just know it when I'm walking up, and then she'll be oh, I do. And I'm like, I I told you.

比如，我对人们的了解相当深入。

Like, I'll just know a lot about people.

有户人家是位全职妈妈，她儿子会给格蕾丝画图画。还有那些收公设辩护人信件的公设辩护人，但不知怎的却住着极其豪华的房子，庭院景观美不胜收。还有虔诚的基督徒，他家的狗总是扑向门，仿佛要冲破玻璃。嗨，医生。还有那位组织孩子垒球联赛的爸爸，格蕾丝的女儿也在队里，以及那位胰腺癌患者——嗨。

There's the house with the stay at home mom whose son makes drawings for Grace. The public defenders who get public defender mail, but somehow also have an insanely posh house with gorgeous landscaping. There's the hardcore Christians whose dog always lunges at the door like he's gonna break through the glass. Hi, doctor. There's the dad who organizes the kid's softball league that Grace's daughter's in and the guy with pancreatic cancer Hi.

他看起来时日无多了。

Who seems like he doesn't have much time left at all.

人特别好的一个家伙，我就是...你知道，忍不住会想这件事

And nicest guy, and I'm it's just you know, can't help but think about it

每天如此。他有很多访客吗？

every day. Does he get a lot of visitors?

是的。而且开始收到很多邮件，来自老朋友之类的。对。

Yes. And lots of mail started coming from, like, old friends and stuff. Yeah.

我没有使用格蕾丝的真名，也没有透露她的工作地点，所以这些私人信息能如理应保持私密。我们今天的节目是关于邮件的。而格蕾丝对路线上人际关系的理解，就像飞行员了解天气状况一样。这个人搬走了吗？这对她的工作非常有帮助。

I'm not using Grace's real name or telling her anything about where she works, so all this private information can stay private like it should. Our show today is about the mail. And Grace's understanding of who's who on her route is like a pilot knowing the weather they're dealing with. This person move It's very helpful to doing her job.

这间公寓

This apartment

比如，这条路线上的那对夫妇。

Like, with this couple on the route.

一对夫妇。

A couple.

女方搬到了走廊对面的公寓并提交了转寄地址，而男方没有。格蕾丝知道男方还和她在一起，所以即使没有表格，她也转寄了他的邮件。这天在一户人家，有一张给房东的明信片，格蕾丝知道房东并不住在这个地址。那你打算怎么办？

Where the woman moved to the apartment across the hall and filed a forwarding address, and the guy did not. Grace knows the guy's still with her, so she forwards his mail also, even without the form. At one house this particular day, there's a postcard for the landlord who Grace knows does not live at that address. And so what are you gonna do?

我会把它扔进我们称之为‘无法投递大宗商业邮件箱’的地方。

I'm gonna dispose of it in what we call the undeliverable bulk business mail bin.

Ubum（无法投递大宗商业邮件箱的缩写）。她可以就这样扔掉它，因为它不是一类邮件。

Ubum. She could toss it out like that because it's not first class mail.

这样它就不会被退回寄件人，也不会被转寄。它只会被浪费掉。

It's so it doesn't get returned to sender, and it doesn't get forwarded. It just goes to waste.

哦，这是垃圾邮件吗？

Oh, is it it's junk mail?

没错。我们不用那个词。

That's correct. We don't use that term.

那你们怎么说？

What do you say?

我们被禁止说那是大宗邮件或标准类邮件。

We're we're forbidden from saying that bulk mail or standard class mail.

因为垃圾邮件暗含价值判断。

Because junk mail implies a value judgment.

没错。而正是这些所谓的垃圾邮件在支付我们的薪水。

That's correct. And this is what pays our salaries, the so called junk mail.

格蕾丝负责的邮路上住着她的前女友，几十年前的恋人。当天早些时候，她往那户人家投递了一封批量邮件。讲述这件事时，她停顿了片刻。

Grace has an ex girlfriend on her route, somebody she was with decades ago. And earlier in the day, she tossed out a piece of bulk mail at her house. She pauses for a second before she tells me about it.

疫情期间她失去了一个孩子，今天那孩子收到了一封批量邮件。所以我趁她没看见就处理掉了，毕竟我知情。能今天替她扔掉那封信，避免她取信时看到亡故孩子的名字，这让我感到非常欣慰。

She lost a child several years ago during the pandemic, and that kid got a piece of bulk mail today. So I was able to throw it away without her seeing it, you know, because I know. And I was really grateful for that. You know, being able to discard that piece of mail for her today so she didn't have to see her dead kid's name when she got her mail today, that felt really good.

在她的投递路线上，有些客户会做这种事，总让格蕾丝特别恼火。

With all these customers on her route, there's some that do this thing. It just gets under Grace's skin.

所以这种情况

So this situation

对。她打开塞满邮件的信箱。

yeah. She opens a mailbox jammed full of mail.

这些邮件永远没人取。看看有多少

So this never gets none of this mail will ever get picked up. See how much

现在描述下你刚取出来的

Now just describe what you just pulled out of

邮件。这些都是人们所说的垃圾邮件。优惠券之类的。

that mail. So this is a whole bunch of what one might call junk mail. Coupons.

出现了一叠厚厚的每周广告邮件。

Showed up a stack of these thick weekly advertising mailers.

所以这是五周的量。而且，我确实把包裹放在这里面过，

So this is five weeks' worth. And, like, I've definitely put packages in here,

然后它们被拿出来了。所以他们在检查？

and they come out. So they're checking?

他们会看看里面有没有想要的东西。如果有想要的，就会拿走。但邮箱塞得满满当当的，送信就变得很困难，你知道吗？你指望谁来替你收拾？谁会来帮你妈妈清空你的邮箱？

They look in to see if there's anything they want. And then if there's something they want, they take it out. But it makes it kinda hard to deliver mail when it's packed full, you know? Who do you expect to clean up after you? Who's gonna come to your mom and empty your mailbox for you?

就像，把信拿走就行。我觉得这非常不体谅人。

Like, just get your mail. And I just find it very inconsiderate.

在另一条街上，我们走到一栋房子前，窗户上挂着手绘的牌子，写着‘巴勒斯坦将获得自由’。通常他们的邮箱也会被邮件塞满好几周，包括他们的邮寄选票。

On another street, we walk up to a house with a hand painted sign in the window saying Palestine will be free. It also usually has mail stuffed in its mailbox for weeks, including their mail in ballots.

他们会连续一周半每天经过，直接从邮箱里露出来的选票旁边走过。

And they would walk by every day for a week and a half, walk right by the ballot sticking right out of the mailbox.

就是那个邮箱？

That mailbox right there?

就是那个邮箱。

That mailbox right there.

所以从街上就能看到它。你可以

So you could see it from the street. You could

看那个投票箱。从街上就能看见，路过时也能注意到。进去时随手一拿非常方便。嗯。

see the ballot. You can see it from the street. You can see it when you walk by. It's very, very easy to grab on the way in. Mhmm.

但他们好几周都没去拿。

But they didn't manage to do that for weeks.

你对这事怎么看？

And what did you think of that?

不知道。我很好奇那些对周围事物视而不见的人是怎么过日子的。

I don't know. I wonder what it's like to go through life not seeing things around you.

但很可能他们看见了，只是邮件对他们来说根本不重要。

But it's very possible that they see, but just the mail is not important to them at all.

没错。如果是垃圾邮件我理解，但他们明显关心政治。而我——我把选票视为某种神圣物品，可他们就这么一次次路过。它又不重，也不占地方。

Right. And I understand that if it was full of crap, but they obviously care about politics. And, like, I I considered my ballot, like, a a sacred object kind of, and they just kept walking by, walking by. It's not like it's heavy. It's not like, you know, it's cumbersome.

要么是完全不在乎，要么是真没看见。我也不知道是哪一种。

It's just a matter of not caring at all or not seeing it. I don't know which.

这会让你生气吗？

Does it make you mad?

有时候会的。其实我前几天还和人说，我可以通过某个特定邮箱判断自己的情绪——因为它总是塞满邮件。如果我不太在意，说明那天心情不错；但如果我为此暴怒，就知道肯定有什么烦心事。这个邮箱就像情绪晴雨表，能让我反思生活中到底什么在困扰我。

Sometimes, yeah. I can actually I was telling someone the other day that I can kind of gauge by mood by a specific mailbox that I get to because it's always full. And if it doesn't bother me that much, I know I'm doing well that day, but if I get into a rage about it, I know that like something's bothering me and I, you know, and I'm saying I can like sort of check back in my life and figure out what's making me so mad because that mailbox will really anger me.

格蕾丝干这行够久了，二十多年前互联网还未普及时就开始了。她记得那时人们对邮件的态度完全不同——商业信函、一类邮件、杂志多得要命，和现在运送的东西完全两样。

Grace has been doing this long enough, over two decades, starting before the Internet really kicked in fully, that she remembers when everyone's relationship to their mail was different for so much was on email. There were tons of business letters, first class mail, magazines back then. She was carrying way more of that instead of what she carries now.

至于我认为那些纯粹是广告的垃圾邮件，如果不算包裹的话，大概占到我投递量的85%到90%。因为那些只是人们被广告忽悠后买的无用之物。

As far as what I consider a crap that's just ads, I guess is probably 85, 90% of what I deliver, if you exclude the parcels. Because they're just this crap that people bought because the ads told them to.

说起来挺有意思，这个国家刚建立时，邮政系统就相当于现在的互联网。

I mean, it's funny because when this country was founded, like, the mail was the Internet.

没错。

Yes.

你知道本杰明·富兰克林可以在新政府里任选职位，但他却说：我想当邮政局长

You know, Benjamin Franklin could get any job he wanted in the new government, and he's like, I wanna be the postmaster of

对。

the Yeah.

因为这就像成为史蒂夫·乔布斯那样的人物。

Because it's like being, like, Steve Jobs or something.

确实如此。过去是这样。现在这个机构还残留着那种自视甚高的作风。比如我们培训时都说：如果救护车、消防车、警车和邮政车同时到达四向停车路口，谁有优先通行权？

It is. Right. It was. And and there's still vestiges of, like, that self importance this agency still has. Like, it's all of us in training that if if a ambulance, a fire truck, a police car, and a postal truck all come to a four way stop at the same time, who has the right of way?

邮政车。这居然真的写在宪法里，特别滑稽。

The postal truck. That somehow that's actually true in the constitution, which is hilarious.

你会不会觉得这份工作曾经是种崇高使命——无论雨雪风霜都要送达，但现在从递送人们真正需要的重要物品，变成了主要运送垃圾？

Do you have this feeling of, like, you have this job that used to be a kind of, like, noble calling and, you know, snow nor rain nor gloom of night, And then it moved from delivering stuff that people really, really wanted and needed and was essential to just delivering a lot of garbage.

是啊，完全正确。可悲的是我们送的大部分确实是人们不想要的垃圾。你得用这个理论说服自己：正是这些垃圾邮件的收入支撑着重要工作，因为我们真正提供的是可靠性——我们每天都来。

Yeah. Totally. That's it's it's kind of achingly true that a lot of what we deliver is just garbage that people don't want. And, like, you have to make your peace with the theory that that's the revenue that sustains the important work of because what we actually offer is dependability. We come every day.

所以如果你有退货或其他什么，只要放在那里，我们就会直接处理。我们知道你是谁，知道名字，也认识之前住那儿的人。我还知道把他们的邮件送到哪儿。

So if you have a return or whatever, you just put it out there, we take it right there. We know who you are. We know the name. We know the people who used to live there. And I know where to take their mail.

奶奶给他们寄了东西，结果他们中途搬了三次家。我都能把东西送到他们手上。我们工作中经常这么做。我们比任何其他快递服务都更了解人们。

Grandma sends them something and then move three times in between. I can get get it to them. We do that all the time at work. We know people so much better than any other delivery services.

所以你对工作感到自豪。

So you feel proud of your job.

是啊，是啊。我是说，我真的很喜欢这份工作。我真的认为它很重要。

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I I I really do like it. I really do think it's important.

必须这样想，因为这是年复一年日复一日的工作，明白吗？

You have to because it's every day for years and years and years. You know?

说到我们心目中的邮件，我们想收到的是信件，私人信件，那种老式的、有人亲手写下心声的信。我让格蕾丝翻查她为这条路线携带的25磅邮件，看看能否找到哪怕一封手写的私人信件。

When it comes to the mail that we think of, when we think of the mail that we wanna get, it's letters, personal letters, the old fashioned kind where somebody pours out their heart to somebody else by hand. I asked Grace to comb through the 25 pounds of stuff she was carrying for this one block swing on her route to see if she could find even one handwritten personal letter.

让我看看。财务的，财务的。《财富秘诀》，这个我们归为财务类吧。

Let's see. Financial. Financial. Secret to wealth. I guess we call that financial.

那是账单。装在账单信封里。保险提醒账单。政治宣传的。不是。

That's a bill. It's in a bill. Insurance reminder bill. Political. No.

今天这个街区没有一封手写信件。

Zero fund mail on this block today.

这一天，经过整个白天，350多户人家，她只投递了三封手写的私人信件。你写信吗？

This day, over the course of the entire day, over 350 homes, she delivered only three personal handwritten letters. Do you write letters?

不。偶尔会写。我为自己感到非常骄傲。大概每五年一次吧。我真心希望自己能更勤于写信。

No. Every once in a while, do. I feel so proud of myself. Probably, like, once every five years. I really wish I I was more of a letter writer.

等等。你为什么希望自己是个写信的人？

Wait. Why do you wish you were a letter writer?

因为这看起来是个很棒的爱好。每当我真正写一封信时，感觉特别好。这是个很好的练习。想象对方收到信的样子很美好，如果他们回信就更棒了。

Because it seems like such a great hobby. Like, when I do write one, I feel extremely good. It's a it's a it's a nice exercise. It's nice to imagine the person getting it. It's wonderful if they write you back.

就像，这是那种事情之一。我会想，哦，我应该多写点，但就是没做到。

Like, it's one of those things. I'm like, oh, I should do more of this, but I just don't.

我不知道。我有时也有想给某人写信的冲动，但最后只是打出来发邮件。

I don't know. I feel like I have the same impulse sometimes to write somebody, but then I really just type it and send the email.

你懂吧？对。

You know? Right.

好像那种感觉是一样的。

Like and that seems to be the same feeling.

但其实不一样。试试写信吧，你会发现完全不同。你会调动不同的脑区，说出平时不会说的话。

It's not, though. Try writing a letter sometime. You'll see how different it is. Different parts of your brain come out. You you say things you wouldn't say.

而且收到对方实体的信件时，那种由信件实体带来的连接感更强烈。

And then plus, getting the physical thing from the other person, it's more there's a connection that the physicality of the letter brings a connection.

我对这部分没有太多感伤，但不可否认收到一封真正的信是令人兴奋的。这很罕见。那种有人坐下来认真写的信——亲爱的你，来自我，真正试图表达需要表达的内容，无论是第一次用言语表述某事，还是澄清事实，或是试图说服。他们知道用书面形式会更好。今天在我们的节目中，深入探讨各种在纸上展开的戏剧性故事。

I don't have sentimentality for that part of it, but it's undeniable that getting a letter, a real letter, is exciting. It's rare. The kind of letter where somebody sat down, Dear you, from me, really tried to say something that need to be said, whether putting something into words for the very first time or correcting the record or trying to persuade. And they know it's going go better if they do it in writing. Today on our show, dive into all sorts of dramas laid out on the page.

今天，我们有真诚的来信、幽默的来信，还有一封关于人生重大转折使命的来信。这里是来自WBC芝加哥的《美国生活》。诚挚的，艾拉·格拉斯。请继续支持《美国生活》，以下信息来自内华达山脉酿酒公司。我希望您能品尝他们开拓者的精神，这种精神融入了重要的元素，如纯净原料、可持续酿造工艺、对社区的承诺，以及从经典淡啤到柑橘风味顺滑的朦胧小物等一系列丰富口味。

Today, we have sincere letters, funny letters, and one letter on a big life changing mission. From WBC Chicago, it's This American Life. Sincerely yours, Ira Glass. Stay Support for This American Life, and the following message comes from Sierra Nevada Brewing Company. I want you to taste their trailblazing spirit, a spirit infused with things that matter, like pure ingredients, sustainable brewing practices, a commitment to community, and a world of flavor from the classic pale ale to the citrusy and smooth hazy little thing.

这种风味值得您细细品味，让您充分享受每一刻。请亲临精品啤酒销售点体验。内华达山脉，品味重要之事。请理性饮酒。

It's flavor that takes its time so you can make the most of yours. See for yourself where refined beer is sold. Sierra Nevada, taste what matters. Please drink responsibly.

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This message comes from Capital One. Banking with Capital One helps you keep more money in your wallet with no fees or minimums on checking accounts and no overdraft fees. Just ask the Capital One bank guy. It's pretty much all he talks about in a good way. Capital One, what's in your wallet?

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这里是《美国生活》。今日节目为重播。第一幕：亲爱的爱丽丝。我们以这封信开始，写信人正努力弄明白一件难以理解的事。这封信由妮可·皮塞基撰写，讲述了她高中时发生的一件事。

This is American Life. Today's show is a rerun. Act one, dear Alice. So we start with this letter, which is very much somebody trying to figure out something that has been hard to figure out. It's written by Nicole Piseki about something that happened when she was in high school.

这是妮可。

Here's Nicole.

亲爱的爱丽丝，其一，过去二十年间我至少动笔写这封信二十次，这时间实在太长了。我必须找到方法彻底了结这件事。唯一接近完成的方式就是片段式书写。其二，当我第一次走进你在密歇根州切尔西市的高中英语课堂时，学业对我而言始终是场挣扎。每堂课都强调做事速度与答案正确性。

Dear Alice, one, I've started to write this letter at least 20 times in as many years, which is way too much time. I need to find a way to finally be done with this. The only way I've ever gotten close is by writing in fragments. Two, when I first walked into your high school English class in Chelsea, Michigan, school had been a struggle for me. Every class felt focused on how fast you could do something and how right you could be.

你的课堂却非如此。我仍记得高三某个下午，我们刚结束词汇测验。你说：打开笔记本，闭上双眼。起初我们疑惑地望着你，但出于信任还是照做了。

Yours wasn't. I still remember the one afternoon senior year. We'd finished a vocabulary quiz. You said, open your notebooks and close your eyes. We looked at you strangely at first, but we trusted you enough to follow along.

你调暗灯光。「想象你正独自漫步在森林深处」，你说道。我们能听见你缓慢的脚步声，听见你那端庄的长裙随步伐沙沙作响。你引领我们沿林间小径前行，指点微小的蘑菇，水边的蟾蜍。最后你让我们睁开眼睛开始写作，继续描述脑海中浮现的荒野景象。

You dimmed the lights. Imagine you're walking alone through the depths of a woodland forest, you said. We could hear you slowly pacing and your long sensible skirt swaying with each step. You guided us along a path in the woods, pointing to tiny mushrooms, a toad at the water's edge. Eventually, you told us to open our eyes and to start writing, to keep describing whatever wilderness we'd conjured in our minds.

从未有老师要求我凭想象创作，而我深爱这种方式。我开始写日记。每个人若足够幸运，都会遇到至少一位改变其人生或让校园如家般温暖的老师。于我而言，你就是这样的存在——我最敬爱的老师。其三，我从未深思过老师们在校外的生活。

No teacher had ever asked me to write something from my own imagination, and I loved it. I started keeping a journal. Everyone, if they're lucky, has at least one teacher who changes their life or makes them feel at home in school. That's who you were to me, my favorite teacher. Three, I'd never given much thought to my teachers' lives outside of school.

你是那间角落教室的常驻身影，一个仿佛完全属于那里的女人。我从未想过你竟嫁给了一个会在枕头下藏枪的男人。四，1992年我大二时曾选修过你丈夫的化学课。他总穿着那件格子羊毛猎装，用矮塑料杯喝着咖啡——那杯子同时是他高大保温壶的盖子。当他举杯到唇边时，双手偶尔会颤抖。

You were a fixture in that corner classroom, a woman who seemed to exist wholly there. I never would have imagined that you were married to a man who kept a gun beneath his pillow. Four, I took chemistry one with your husband in 1992 when I was a sophomore. He wore that plaid and wool hunting jacket and drank coffee out of that small plastic cup that doubled as a lid to his tall vacuum thermos. His hands sometimes shook when he lifted the cup to his lips.

他用细橡皮筋扎着蓬乱的马尾。我记得我们做实验时，他会用音响播放震耳的摇滚乐。虽然我认为他性格傲慢古怪，但比起对化学这门学科的暗自厌恶，我倒没那么讨厌他。你应该知道，解复杂化学方程式一直是我的软肋。五，我父亲从不对青少年讲多余的事，而我也鲜少主动提问。

He kept his haggard ponytail pulled back with a thin rubber band. I remember that he played loud rock music on the stereo while we did experiments. Though I interpreted his personality as arrogant and strange, I didn't dislike him as much as I quietly despise the subject of chemistry. You should know that I've always struggled with solving complicated formulas. Five, my dad never told me things that a teenager didn't need to know, and I never thought to ask very many questions.

他将工作与家庭生活分得很开。我不知道学区督学整天忙什么，也从未想过询问。直到某个夜晚，当我站在厨房的滑动玻璃门旁时，父亲揣着褪色牛仔裤口袋走过来问：嘿尼克，你早到化学教室补习时，利思先生有没有对你举止异常？我皱眉盯着父亲看了几秒，随后为你丈夫辩护。

He mostly kept his work life separate from his home life. I didn't know what a school superintendent did all day and I never thought to ask him. One night though, when I was standing in our kitchen by the sliding glass door, my dad walked up to me with his hands in the pockets of his faded weekend jeans and said, hey Nick, when you went in early for chemistry help, did mister Leith ever act weird around you? I looked at my dad for a few seconds and wrinkled my brow. Then I defended your husband.

「你在说什么？」我反问。父亲没解释就转移了话题，我也很快忘记这事。即便化学实验室里只有我和你丈夫独处时，他也从未对我说过越界的话。毕竟我不是漂亮姑娘。

What are you talking about? I replied. My dad dropped the subject without explanation, and I quickly forgot about it. Even when it was just the two of us, your husband and I in his chemistry lab, he had never said anything inappropriate to me. I wasn't a pretty girl.

我自卑又男孩子气，下巴长满青春痘，胸部平坦如男孩，还是上司的女儿。六，那年早些时候，有个安静的长发高三女生母亲在深夜打来电话。我在厨房接起分机。

I was self conscious and tomboyish. Acne spotted my jawline and chin. My chest was as flat as a boy's, and I was the boss's daughter. Six, earlier that year, the mother of a quiet long haired senior girl called our home telephone at an unusually late hour. I answered the call in the kitchen.

「爸，找你的」我朝客厅方向喊道。他独自接了电话。七，我最爱的父亲照片摄于圣乔医院——我高三膝盖手术后，他日夜守在那张难受的椅子里，看着我的左腿在持续被动运动仪上屈伸。

Dad, it's for you, I said in the direction of the living room. He took the call in private. Seven, one of my favorite photographs of my dad is the one where he's sitting next to my hospital bed at St. Joe's in Ypsilanti, right after my knee surgery during my senior year. He sat in that uncomfortable chair, staying day and night as my left leg moved, bending and straightening in a constant passive motion machine.

只有护士来帮我用便盆时他才离开房间。照片里他穿着牛仔裤和蓝毛衣，面带疲惫而忠诚的微笑。那时我觉得这种守护理所当然，因那是我认知的全部。八，你肯定熟悉学生们在圣诞假期前周四的雀跃。那天我的能量仿佛取之不竭。

He only stepped out of the room when the nurse arrived to help me use the bedpan. In the photograph, he's wearing jeans and a blue sweater with a tired loyal smile on his face. Back then, I never saw his commitment to me as remarkable because it was all I had known. Eight, surely you know all about the giddiness that your high school students felt on the Thursday before Christmas break. My energy that day felt boundless.

第七节课后我几乎是蹦跳着穿过草坪，直奔父亲办公室的窗外。我敲响窗户，他推开窗扇时正用透明塑料杯吃着麦当劳圣代。见到我他绽开满脸笑容，我也咧嘴回应。他递来车钥匙让我自驾去理疗中心。

I practically bounced from seventh period across the grass and straight to the outer window of my dad's office. I knocked on his window and he tilted it open. He was eating an ice cream sundae from McDonald's out of a small clear plastic cup. He smiled his full face smile when he saw me, and I returned a grin. He reached out and dropped the car keys into my hand so I could drive to physical therapy.

转身走向停车场时，父亲说了句「玩得开心，晚点见」便合上窗户。理疗时，我和朋友凯莉边踩阶梯机边听柠檬头乐队专辑《可惜了雷》，随节奏摆动手臂。窗外飘着雪，冰冷的玻璃上贴着剪纸雪花。

As I turned to walk toward the parking lot, my dad said, have fun, see you later, and tipped the window to close it. At physical therapy, my friend Carrie and I both rode StairMasters, and we listened to the Lemonheads album, It's a Shame About Ray, on the stereo. We moved our arms like we were dancing. The snow fell quietly outside. The cold windows had white paper snowflakes Scotch taped to them.

锻炼中途，我们听见有人说切尔西高中发生了枪击。连忙围住调频收音机打听详情。起初只担心去体育馆看比赛的朋友，还猜想凶手定是外校学生。我们万万没想到，开枪的会是你丈夫，而受害者可能是我父亲。

Mid workout, we overheard someone say there had been a shooting at Chelsea High School. We stepped off the stairmasters and huddled around an AMFM radio to try to learn more. At first, we were worried about our friends who might have been at a game in the school gym. We imagined that the shooter must have been a kid from another school. It never crossed our minds that the shooter could have been your husband or the victim could have been my dad.

九。当那个下午你丈夫杀害我父亲的细节从警方报告和学校员工那里逐渐泄露出来时，我得知你丈夫曾因在走廊性骚扰女学生而受到训斥。我得知他濒临失去工作。我得知你丈夫在学校放学后不久就怒气冲冲地离开了与行政人员的申诉会议。我得知那天你和丈夫一起拼车回家。

Nine. When the details of that afternoon that your husband killed my dad slowly leaked out from police reports and school employees, I learned that your husband had been reprimanded for sexually harassing female students in the hallways. I learned that he was on the verge of losing his job. I learned that your husband had stormed out of a grievance meeting with administrators not long after the school day had ended. I learned that you and your husband carpooled home from school together that day.

我得知在他愤怒的20分钟车程里，你一直陪着他。我得知当你们到家后，你丈夫独自上楼，回来时手里握着一把9毫米半自动手枪。他宣称，有人要死。我得知你丈夫独自回到车里，疾驰向学校行政大楼，我父亲和另外两人还在那里继续开会。

I learned that you were with him in his anger for the twenty minutes it took you to drive home. I learned that when you arrived home, your husband disappeared upstairs. He returned with a nine millimeter semiautomatic pistol in his hand. He asserted, he is going to die. I learned that your husband got back into the car alone and sped toward the School Administration Building, where my dad and two others continued the meeting.

二十分钟。这就是你丈夫开车返回高中所需的时间。我得知你没有报警——小镇警局离学校不到五分钟车程。你没有打电话警告行政大楼里那三个生命危在旦夕的人。相反，你打给了安阿伯市的教师工会办公室，那是完全相反方向二十分钟路程的地方。

Twenty minutes. That's how long it took your husband to drive back to the high school. I learned that you didn't call the police, whose small town headquarters were less than a five minute drive away from the school. You didn't call the Administration Building to warn the three men whose lives were at stake, sitting ducks. Instead, you called the teachers union office in Ann Arbor, twenty minutes in the opposite direction.

你丈夫穿着装满子弹的长外套。他在学校停车场猛踩油门发出刺耳声响。他对靠近的人说他有‘未了之事要处理’。他走进行政大楼，拐进小办公室的门道，举起枪首先对准了我父亲。

Your husband wore a long coat with pockets of ammunition. He squealed his tires in the school parking lot. He told someone who approached him that he had, quote, unfinished business to attend to. He walked into the Administration Building, turned the corner into the doorway of the small office. He lifted the gun and pointed it first at my dad.

爸爸，爹地，老爸。我47岁父亲的最后一句话是：‘史蒂夫，你不必这样做。’你丈夫接连扣动扳机。他杀了我父亲。还重伤了另外两人。

Daddy, dada, pops. My 47 year old dad's last words were Steve, you don't have to do this. Your husband fired round after round. He killed my dad. He injured two others.

你没有报警。十。为什么，爱丽丝？你他妈为什么不报警？为什么？

You didn't call the police. 10. Why, Alice? Why the fuck didn't you call the police? Why?

为什么？为什么？十一，在你丈夫枪杀我父亲后，存在一个时间缝隙——那时父亲已逝，但那仍只是十二月的某个星期四。我仍只是个在MedSport健身中心快乐踩着踏步机的少年，望着结霜窗户上贴着的纸质雪花。我哥哥布莱恩仍只是个面容稚嫩的一等兵，在北卡罗来纳州海军基地修理车队发动机的螺栓。

Why? Why? 11, after your husband shot my dad, a pocket of time existed where my dad was gone and it was still just a Thursday in December. I was still just a teenager happily riding the StairMaster at MedSport, looking through icy windows with paper snowflakes taped to them. My brother Brian was still just a fresh faced, private first class, wrenching bolts on the engines of fleet vehicles at a marine base in North Carolina.

我母亲仍是结婚二十五年的妻子，仍是邻区中学的特殊教育教师。而你仍只是我最喜欢的老师——那个允许我们描写幻想森林的人。十二。我记不清是你还是我主动提出，在你丈夫于我们学校杀害我父亲几天后见面。自从得知消息后我就没合过眼。

My mom was still a wife of twenty five years and a middle school special education teacher at a neighboring school district. And you were still just my favorite teacher, the one who let us write about an imaginary forest. 12. I can't remember if it was you or I who initiated the meeting a few days after your husband murdered my dad at our school. I hadn't slept since I found out.

我疯狂地从家庭相册的粘胶页中取出父亲的照片，贴满浴室镜子。尽管如此，我仍担心你的感受。我迫切想相信你，想确认我们都是你丈夫暴力行为中不知情的受害者，想告诉你我不怪你。我察觉到母亲的犹豫，但她还是带我去见了你。事件仍在发展中。

I had been desperately pulling his photographs from sticky plastic pages of family photo albums and taping them to the bathroom mirrors. Still, I was worried about how you might be feeling. I was eager to believe in you to affirm that we were both unknowing victims of your husband's violent actions, to tell you that I didn't blame you. I sensed some hesitation from my mom, but she took me to meet you anyway. The story was still developing.

我无法想象任何你不是英雄的情景。但她能。我们得知枪击案后，你一直借住在朋友兼同事帕姆家。当我们抵达时，帕姆接过我们潮湿的外套，我看见你独自坐在大房间远端的高背椅里。当我们走进充满圣诞氛围的客厅时，你没有起身迎接。

I couldn't imagine any scenario wherein you were not the hero. She could. We learned that since the shooting, you had been staying with your friend and colleague, Pam. When we arrived at her house, Pam took our damp jackets, and I saw you sitting alone in a wingback chair at the far corner of the large room. You didn't rise to greet us when we entered the Christmas ready living room.

你的脸上浮现出疏远的低垂目光。指尖不安地拨弄着毛衣下摆的一角。我不知道自己期待怎样的欢迎，但绝不是这样。最终，你走向我。你说了类似'这是给你的'这样的话，语气肃穆。

Your face displayed a low distant gaze. Your fingertips fidgeted with a pinch of fabric on the bottom of your sweater. I don't know what kind of a welcome I had expected, but it wasn't this. Finally, you approached me. You said something like, this is for you, and your tone was solemn.

你伸手递给我一本精装书和手写信。还记得书名吗？封面是不是有棵树？我从未读过那本书。我本打算读的。

You reached out and handed me a hardcover book and a handwritten letter. Do you remember the title? Did the book have a tree on the cover? I never read the book. I meant to.

那些日子我的头脑被悲伤笼罩，无法长时间集中精力。我把书塞进卧室抽屉再没看过。但我读了你的短信。字迹斜斜地爬满黄色法律文件纸，你像商务信函那样折好。关于那封信，我一直记得最清楚的部分却是我最不理解的内容。

My head was too clouded with grief in those days to concentrate for long. I stuffed the book into a drawer in my bedroom and never looked at it again. I did read your short letter. Your words were scrolled diagonally across a yellow legal paper that you'd folded like a business letter. The one thing I'd always remembered about that letter was the part I understood the least.

'也许有天我们能画个圆'，信里写道。多年来我一直想问你：这是什么意思？13岁那年，父亲去世仅三周后我就返校了，经常迟到且毫无准备，开着仍登记在他名下的二手雪佛兰Corsica去学校。其他老师对我高三下半学期糟糕的学业表现都心照不宣地宽容。

Maybe we can make a circle someday, it said. I've been wanting to ask you for years. What does that mean? 13, I returned to school only three weeks after my dad died, often arriving late and unprepared, driving up to the school in the used Chevy Corsica that was still registered in his name. My other teachers offered me unspoken allowances for my unimpressive academic performance during the second half of my senior year.

政治课老师通过了我的迟交论文，那篇反对死刑的立场文章。我把极刑称为'不足以匹配罪孽痛苦的选项'。原本该重返你的英语课堂，但辅导员进行了干预。取而代之的是每天在图书馆与你的实习教师见面。我不记得她的名字，只记得她严重的银屑病让我害怕又分心。

My government teacher passed my late bias research paper that took a stance against the death penalty. I called capital punishment, quote, an option that doesn't warrant enough suffering. I was scheduled to return to your English class, but the counselor intervened. Instead, I met with your student teacher in the library every day. I don't remember her name, only that her severe psoriasis frightened and distracted me.

我担心会被传染，承受不起生活中再多变故。我们以自学方式读了海明威的《老人与海》。记得圣地亚哥往船上拖那条大马林鱼时有多疲惫。我绝对做不到像他那样坚持。高中最后学期，我不记得和你说过话。

I was afraid it was contagious and I couldn't bear any other complications in my life. We read Hemingway's The Old Man and the Sea as an independent study. I remember how tired Santiago was while trying to reel that large Marlin into the boat. I wouldn't have had it in me to keep going like he did. The final semester of high school, I don't remember speaking to you.

走廊上肯定遇见过吧？你看见我了吗？14岁，在法庭对立席见到你令人困惑——你坐在婆婆旁边，随后站上证人席，为你丈夫的精神失常辩护，试图让他免于牢狱。辩护律师引导你详述丈夫的怪异行为。我记得你讲述他徒手拧断宠物鸟脖子的故事。

Surely I must have seen you in the hallways. Did you see me? 14, it was confusing to see you in the courtroom on the opposing side, sitting next to your mother-in-law, then taking the stand, making a case for your husband's insanity defense, trying to keep him out of prison. The defense attorney led you through a detailed account of your husband's bizarre actions. I remember the story of your husband killing your pet bird, how he broke its neck with his bare hands.

你回忆某个节日他蜷在钢琴下像婴儿般啜泣。你解释他对枪支的痴迷，如何总让武器触手可及。法庭过道将我的家人与他的、你的隔开。你从未看向这边——至少在我注视时没有。宣判时你也没有抬头。

You recounted a holiday when he curled himself beneath a piano and sobbed like a baby. You explained his obsession with guns, how he usually kept one within reach. An aisle in the courtroom divided my family from his, yours. You never once looked across, at least not while I was looking. And you didn't look when the verdict was delivered.

罪名成立，终身监禁不得假释。15岁，得知你输掉与癌症抗争的消息时，我清楚记得自己站在阿德里安学院主体育馆场边。穿着球衣、宽松白短裤和笨重护膝。刚打完一场三级联盟篮球赛。

Guilty, life in prison without parole. 15, I know exactly where I was when I learned you lost your battle with cancer. I stood courtside in the main gymnasium at Adrian College. I wore my jersey, baggy white shorts and a bulky knee brace. I had just finished playing a division three basketball game.

母亲来看比赛，因为那天是你丈夫杀害我父亲的两周年。似乎我们该在一起。'有消息告诉你'，母亲说。她等到比赛结束才告知的做法很得体。爱丽丝去世了。

My mom came to watch my game because it was the second anniversary of the day your husband killed my dad. It seemed that we should be together. I have some news, mom said. She had done the right thing by waiting until after the game was over to tell me. Alice died.

什么时候？我问。她的葬礼就在今天。十六岁。你参加过全国英语教师大会吗？

When? I asked. Her funeral was today. Sixteen. Did you ever attend the National Council of Teachers of English convention?

自从我成为英语教师后几乎每年都参加。你已不在，我不必担心在电梯或午餐咖啡馆遇见你。但有时我恍惚看见你——一个穿着朴素、棕发齐肩、栗色眼眸低垂的女子，会让我呼吸一窒。然后才想起。

I've barely missed a year since I began my own career as an English teacher. You're gone, so I don't have to worry about running into you there in the elevator going up or the cafe at lunch. But I must admit that sometimes I think I see you places. I see a modestly dressed woman with shoulder length brown hair and downward pointing chestnut eyes, and my breath catches in my throat. Then I remember.

若只在那些瞬间想起你就好了。但我有间教室，就像你曾有过的。那些我思绪中翻阅的书，最初是在你课堂读的。十七岁。最后一次见你时，我是艾德里安学院新生，你仍是切尔西高中英语教师。某个心血来潮的午后，我沿52号公路北行一小时，将车停在校门口的访客车位。学生们都在上课，水泥小径上只我一人。

If only it was just in those moments that I thought of you, but I have a classroom like you had a classroom, and the books I sometimes turn to in my thoughts I first read in your class. 17. The last time I saw you in the flesh, I was a freshman at Adrian College, and you were still an English teacher at Chelsea High School. In a moment of capriciousness, I drove the hour north on Michigan 52 and parked in a visitor space in front of the high school. All the students sat in class, which left me alone to walk the cement pathways.

那地方的生活竟能如常运转，至今令我诧异。你丈夫的教室里站着新老师，我父亲办公室坐着新校长，毕业生的位置被新生取代。我走进英语楼，穿过 locker 林立的走廊来到你教室门前。

It still seems strange that life just continued on in that place. A different teacher stood in front of your husband's old classroom. A new superintendent sat at a desk in my dad's old office. New kids replaced those of us who had graduated. I entered the English Building and walked down the locker encased hallway to your classroom.

透过门上的细长玻璃窗，我看见你倚在离门仅几步远的桌边辅导学生。我凝视着，直到你抬头发现我。那一瞬你身体僵住了。不知你当时在想什么。

I peeked into your classroom window, a thin rectangular pane of glass. I saw you leaning on a desk just a few feet from the door, helping a small group of students. I stared through the window until you saw me. When you looked up, your body froze for a moment. I wonder what you were thinking then.

此行我未告知任何人，至今仍难解释当时为何去见你。你看起来虚弱、憔悴、病态，光彩不复当年。记得你走到走廊面对我时，直直望进我眼睛，那表情我解读为怜悯与恐惧的交织。

I hadn't told anyone that I was coming and still find it hard to explain my motivation to see you that day. You looked weak, frail, sick, a dimmer version of your former self. I remember that you stepped into the hallway and faced me. You looked me straight in the eyes. You wore an expression that I decoded as a combination of compassion and fear.

即便你全神注视，我却说不出一个字。只能站在走廊，望着三步之外的你。我们彼此端详对方的脸庞与眼睛，仿佛所有问题都写在那里。你始终没问我为何而来，似乎比我自己更明白答案。

Even with your full attention, I couldn't speak a single word. All I could do is stand in the hallway and look at you standing three feet away. I searched your face and eyes and you searched mine as if all the questions were written there. You never asked me why I had come. You seemed to understand, maybe more than I did.

我们沉默伫立了多久？十八岁。始终没懂你递给我的信里那句「或许有天我们能画个圆」是何意。后来我甚至为此愤怒——为何对十七岁的我说如此晦涩的话？是否计划在审判后告诉我些什么，能弥合我们之间的鸿沟？

How long did we stand there saying nothing at all? Eighteen. I never figured out what you meant when you wrote, maybe we can make a circle someday in the letter you handed me. Over time, I got angry at you for saying something so cryptic to a 17 year old. Did you plan to tell me something later, after the trial, something that would have closed the space between us?

即便反复修改这些草稿，我仍想象不出那可能是什么。什么语言能达成这样的奇迹？或许你也未曾想明白。此致，妮可。

I can't, even after all these drafts, imagine what that could be. What words could possibly have accomplished that? Maybe you never figured it out either. Sincerely, Nicole.

妮可·皮塞茨基。她是作家，也是科罗拉多大学丹佛分校写作课程的助理教授。她的信件版本最初发表于《河马校园》杂志。广播版由克里斯·本达雷夫制作。第二幕，亲爱的女士。

Nicole Pisecki. She's a writer and also an assistant teaching professor teaching writing at the University of Colorado Denver. A version of her letter was first published in Hippo Campus magazine. The radio version of her letter was produced by Chris Bendarev. Act two, dear miss.

在伦敦及其他地区，十多年来偶尔会上演一个名为‘书信现场’的活动，由Canongate出版社组织，邀请包括一些极其著名的演员在内的表演者，朗读狄更斯、甘地、大卫·鲍伊、詹姆斯·鲍德温等名人以及许多普通人的旧信件。接下来这封信就来自一位无名氏，写于书信盛行的年代，甚至早于电话发明的1866年，英格兰北部的约克郡，由农夫西蒙·法洛菲尔德写给玛丽·福斯特。由演员泰隆·艾格顿朗读，他可能因《王牌特工》和《火箭人》中饰演埃尔顿·约翰而最为人熟知。

So there's this thing that's been happening now and then on stage for over a decade in London and elsewhere called letters live, where this publisher, Canongate, gets performers, including some ridiculously famous actors, to read old letters written by people like Dickens and Gandhi, David Bowie, James Baldwin, and lots of unfamous people as well. This next letter is one of those, somebody who is not famous. It was written back when letters were king, before telephones even, in 1866 in Yorkshire the North Of England from a farmer named Simon Fallowfield to a woman named Mary Foster. It's read by the actor Terron Edgerton, who's maybe best known for Kingsman and for starring as Elton John in Rocketman.

亲爱的小姐，我此刻提笔给您写信，希望寥寥数语能传达我的问候，愿您如我此刻般安康。感谢上帝保佑。您或许会惊讶我竟如此大胆地写信给您这样一位淑女，但愿您不会为此恼怒。我几乎不敢说出心中所想，面对女士我总是胆怯，心如小雀般颤抖。

My dear miss, I now take up my pen to write to you, hoping these few lines will find you well as it leaves me at present. Thank god for it. You will perhaps be surprised that I should make so bold as to write to you, who is such a lady, and I hope you will not be vexing me for it. Hardly dare say what I want. I am so timid about ladies, and my heart trembles like a haspin.

但我在书中读到‘懦夫难赢美人心’，故斗胆一试。我是个经营小农场的农夫，年逾四十，与母亲同住，她操持家务。近来她身体欠佳，行动不便，我想若有妻子会更安乐。我留意您已久，认为您是位贤淑女子，若能垂青必使我幸福。我们雇有女仆挤三头奶牛并料理家务，夏季她还采些野菜，秋后也挖些芜菁。

But I want seed in a book that faint heart never won fair lady, so here goes. I am a farmer in a small way, and my age is rather more than 40 years, and my mother lives with me and keeps my house. And she's been very poorly lately and cannot steer about much, and I think I should be more comfortable with a wife. I have had my eye on you a long time, and I think you are a very nice young woman, and one that would make me happy if only you think so. We keep a servant girl to milk three kai and do the work in the house, and she goes on a bit in the summer to gather wickens, and she snags a few turnips in the back end.

我亲自打理部分农活，常去佩特利集市。偶尔展出几只羊，圣诞前会养三四头猪，猪肉在宅中甚为实用，可做馅饼糕点等。卖火腿所得用以支付大麦饲料费。我在奈尔斯伯银行存有约73英镑，楼下有间舒适小客厅，铺蓝地毯，壁炉旁设烤炉，老母亲常在另一侧抽烟。

I do a piece of work on the farm myself and attends Pately Market. And I sometimes show a few sheep, and I feed between three and four pigs again Christmas. And the same is very useful in the house to make pies and cakes and so forth. And I sells the hams to help pay for the barley meal. I have about 73 in Naresbro Bank, and we have a nice little parlor downstairs with a blue carpet and an oven on the side of the fireplace, and the old woman on the other side smoking.

长椅上方墙面挂着金科玉律，您可终日坐在安乐椅上编织，补我的绑腿裤。我归来时您已备好茶点，还能为佩特利集市制作黄油。每逢周日我会驾轻便马车载您去教堂，竭尽所能让您幸福。盼您回音。

The golden rules claimed up on the walls above the settle, and you could sit all day in the easy chair and knit and mend my kittles and leggings. And you could make the tea ready again I come in. And you could make butter for Pately Market, and I would drive you to church every Sunday in the spring cart. And I would do all that bees in my power to make you happy. So I hope to hear from you.

我诚惶诚恐，欲在五朔节迎娶您，若家母不幸早逝则更需您早日过门。只要您应允，亲爱的，我们定能美满。望您随信告知心意。若蒙垂爱，我必登门提亲。

I am in desperate and earnest and will marry you at May Day, or if my mother dies afar, I shall want you afar. If only you will accept it, me, my dear. We could be very happy together. I hope you will let me know your man by return of post. And if you are favorable, I will come up to scratch.

就此搁笔，您忠实的爱慕者西蒙·法洛菲尔德敬上。又及：此事望您保密。若您拒绝，我另有心仪女子，或将娶她为妻。

So no more at present from your well wisher and true love, Simon Fallowfield. PS. I hope you will say nothing about this. If you will not accept of me, I have another very nice woman in my eye. And I think I shall marry her if you do not accept of me.

但认为您更合家母心意，她时而脾气乖戾。

But I thought you would suit me mother better, she being very crusty at times.

泰隆·艾格顿在‘书信现场’的朗读。据悉，收信的玛丽·福斯特拒绝了这桩求婚。想观看奥利维娅·科尔曼、本尼迪克特·康伯巴奇、布莱恩·考克斯、艾迪·法可、裘德·洛等众多优秀演员朗读书信，请访问‘书信现场’YouTube频道或官网letterslive.com。下一场演出将于十一月在皇家阿尔伯特音乐厅举行。第三幕：《亲爱的医生》。

Terren Edgerton reading at Letters Live. Apparently, Mary Foster, who got that letter, turned down this proposal of marriage. Think of my videos of Olivia Colman, Benedict Cumberbatch, Brian Cox, Edie Falco, Jude Law, and so many other great actors reading letters at the Letters Live YouTube channel or at their website, letterslive.com. The next show is gonna be at the Royal Albert Hall in November. Act three, Dear Doctor.

凯斯滕鲍姆，人们总说莫见偶像，但可否致信他们？大卫·凯斯滕鲍姆离开他拥有博士学位的粒子物理领域转行记者后不久，便尝试了这个举动。

Kestenbaum, they tell you to never meet your heroes, but can you write to them? Not long after David Kestenbaum left his old job in particle physics, which he has a PhD in, and became a reporter, he tried just that.

当我还是个年轻的科学记者时，我给世界上最有名的物理学家之一发了封邮件。当时我很紧张。我刚入行做记者，不知道如何挖掘新闻故事。老实说，至今也不太懂。

When I was a young science journalist, I sent an email to one of the most famous physicists in the world. I was nervous about it. I was new to journalism. I did not know how to find stories. I still don't, really.

但我觉得真正的记者就是这么操作的——他们发展消息源。我的目标是能和他通上电话。那位物理学家是苏格兰的彼得·希格斯。希格斯之所以出名，是因为早在1964年，他就写过一篇论文，提出可能存在一种新的亚原子粒子。

But I figured this is how real reporters operated. They developed sources. My goal was to get him on the phone. The physicist was a man named Peter Higgs in Scotland. Higgs was famous because way back in 1964, he'd written this paper proposing the possible existence of a new subatomic particle.

学界都称它为希格斯粒子。当然，除了有个出书叫它'上帝粒子'的家伙，虽然大家挺讨厌这个称呼。总之，如果它真的存在，那可是大事。它能解释为什么其他亚原子粒子具有质量——这正是我们需要的。如果电子没有质量，它们就会飞散。

Everyone in the field called it the Higgs particle. Well, except for one who wrote a book calling it the God particle, though people kinda hated that name. Anyway, it was a big deal if it did really exist. It could explain why other subatomic particles had mass, which you want them to. If electrons were massless, they would fly off.

原子就无法形成，我们也不会存在于此。几年前我曾是物理系研究生，当时我们通过大型实验寻找的目标之一就是希格斯粒子。所以我希望能和彼得·希格斯通电话——这位可能洞见了宇宙本质深层真理的人。

You couldn't have atoms. We would not be here. I'd been a physics grad student a few years before. One of the things we had been searching for with this massive experiment was the Higgs particle. So my goal was to get Peter Higgs, who maybe had seen this deep truth about the nature of the universe, on the phone.

我需要找个借口，于是写信说好奇希格斯粒子如何得名。这问题不算高明，但当时我只想到这个。他能否抽几分钟聊聊？邮件发出后，第二天杳无回音。

I needed some excuse, so I wrote that I was curious how the Higgs had come to have his name. Not a great question, but the only one I could think of. Would he have a few minutes to talk? I sent the email. The next day, no reply.

一周过去，两周过去。大约一个月后，邮差送来一封信。真正的信。其实是种叫航空邮简的东西，二战时期流行的那种对折的轻量单页纸。

A week went by. Two weeks. And then after about a month, a mailman came with a letter. A letter. Actually, it was this thing called an aerogram that had been popular during World War II, a single lightweight page that folded over.

轻量化是为了航空邮寄。用书信回复电子邮件本就够特别了，何况还是手写的国际信件。不过那时他已上了年纪，我猜是助手把他的邮件打印出来给他看的。我拆开信封。

Lightweight because, you know, airmail. Which is a funny thing to handwrite an overseas letter in response to an email. But he was an older guy at that point. I imagine his assistant printing out his emails for him. I opened it up.

信的开头写道：'亲爱的凯斯滕鲍姆博士，感谢您1997年9月的邮件。'我记得当时很兴奋，但很快又大失所望。这是封极其乏味的信。他确实回答了我的问题，但用非常技术化的细节。

It begins, Dear Doctor. Kestenbaum, thank you for your email message dated 09/1997. I remember being excited to get it, but also pretty quickly disappointed. It is a very boring letter. He did answer my question in a very detailed and technical way.

引述：'我所知最早提及希格斯玻色子的，是已故的本·李作为报告人在1972年费米实验室罗切斯特会议上的发言。'通篇都是这类人名日期。'不过可能在1972年会议前，随着特霍夫特前一年重新发现安德森-希格斯机制，这个术语就已开始使用。'这种与科学家打交道的挫败感我常遇到。他们总提供大量旁人根本不会在意、也不可能记住的细节。

Quote, the earliest reference to Higgs bosons that I know is in the late Ben Lee's talk as rapporteur at the nineteen seventy two Rochester conference at Fermilab, end quote. It was filled with stuff like this, names and dates. Quote, it is possible, however, that the terminology was being used before the nineteen seventy two conference following Thehoff's rediscovery of the Anderson, Wrote, Onglis, Higgs et al mechanism the previous year. It's the kind of frustrating experience I was having with a lot of scientists. They gave you tons of detail that no one else would care about or could possibly remember.

至于我真正期望的——通几分钟电话的请求，只字未提。我用图钉把信钉在办公隔间，过阵子又收进抽屉。十四年过去。2012年2月，在希格斯预言该粒子可能存在近五十年后，我们确认它确实存在，正如他所预言。欧洲核子研究中心的物理学家团队成功制造并探测到了希格斯粒子。

And as to my request to talk on the phone for a few minutes, which is my real hope, nothing. I pinned the letter up in my cubicle with a thumbtack, then after a while, moved it to a drawer. Fourteen years went by. In 02/2012, nearly fifty years after Higgs wrote that this particle might exist, we learned it really did, just as he had said it might. Giant teams of physicists managed to make and detect some Higgs particles at the CERN laboratory in Europe.

那是一项耗资数十亿美元的庞大工程。次年，彼得·希格斯因此获得了诺贝尔奖。那封信仍躺在我家抽屉里。我结婚生子，去年偶然重见这封信时，终于把它装裱了起来。

It was a massive, multibillion dollar effort. Peter Higgs won the Nobel Prize for it the following year. The letter still sat in a drawer at my house. I got married, had kids. Last year, I came across the letter again, finally stuck it in a frame.

要透露它挂在哪儿吗？在卫生间里。几个月前，彼得·希格斯与世长辞，享年94岁。我重读这封信，这几乎是二十五年来第一次认真重温。

Should I say where it is? It's in the bathroom. And then a few months ago, Peter Higgs died. He was 94 years old. I went back and read the letter again, really for the first time since I'd gotten it almost twenty five years ago.

读着读着，我情难自抑。年轻时的我未能察觉或体悟的信中深意，此刻昭然若揭。希格斯在这封信中竭力将功劳归于他人。有些科学家穷尽一生追逐诺奖，而希格斯却始终淡化自己的贡献，将其置于更宏大的科学图景中。

And I got very emotional reading it. There's something in there that the younger me had been unable to see or appreciate. What Peter Higgs was doing in this letter was going out of his way to try to give credit to everyone else. Some scientists spend their lives angling for a Nobel Prize. Higgs was trying to downplay his role in everything, to put it in its proper context.

他慷慨而谦逊。他精心撰写这封信，寄给素未谋面的大洋彼岸记者。我在网上找到希格斯获诺奖后记者会的录音——实际上他是与另一位学者共享奖项——会上他的言行与信中如出一辙

He was generous and humble. He'd taken the time to write it all carefully out and send it to a reporter across the ocean that he'd never met. I went online and found a recording of Higgs talking at a press conference after he won the Nobel. Actually, he shared the prize with another guy. In the press conference, he's doing the same thing he

正如信中所现。人们

was in that letter. People

似乎很多人以为我...我独自完成了所有工作。其实这是始于1960年的理论物理研究计划的一部分。真正的开创者是来自日本的南部阳一郎，他现已归国。所以这段科学历程至少可追溯至1960年，1964年不过是其中意外取得突破的篇章。

seem to a lot of people seem to think that that I I I did all this single handed. It was actually part of a a theoretical program which had been started in 1960. The man who who really initiated it was Yorukiro Nambu, originally from Japan, who is now back in Japan. So, it's part of a a story which goes back at least to 1960, and and 1964 was just a a what turned out to be a rather successful episode in that story.

记者会上，希格斯还提及一个鲜为人知的细节：他最初提出粒子理论实属偶然。他那篇如今鼎鼎大名的论文初稿曾被期刊拒稿，后来他补充了几行文字，指出若其他理论成立，或许还存在一种有待发现的新粒子。本可有他人做出同等贡献，但最终是他创造了奇迹。

In the press conference, Higgs also mentions this thing I never knew, which is that he only wrote about the particle in the first place sort of by chance. His first draft of his now famous paper was actually rejected by the journal he tried to publish it in. So he went back and basically added a few lines, mentioning that if all the other stuff was true, there might be a new particle also, one people could find someday. Higgs wasn't the only one who could have done what he did. But what he did was remarkable.

终究是他肩负使命冲过终点线。如今重读信件，我想，这样美好的结局配得上这样高尚的人。幸好是他。

And at the end of the day, he was the one who got to carry the baton over the finish line. When I look back at the letter now, I think, seems like a nice guy for that to happen to. I'm glad it was him.

大卫·凯斯特鲍姆是本节目高级编辑。稍后节目：有人向美国陆军提出紧急且私密的请求；另有其他书信故事，即将播出。这里是芝加哥公共电台，节目稍后继续。

David Kestenbaum is senior editor of our show. Coming up, somebody has an urgent and deeply personal request for the US Army. Also, other letters, that's in a minute. Chicago Public Radio when our program continues.

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这意味着您无需搁置生活就能获得学位。相反，以您的方式享受学习，无缝追求教育与职业目标。卡佩拉大学让不同的未来触手可及。详情请访问capella.edu。本节目由Squarespace赞助。

That means you don't have to put your life on hold to earn your degree. Instead, enjoy learning your way and pursue your educational and career goals without missing a beat. A different future is closer than you think with Capella University. Learn more at capella.edu. Support for This American Life comes from Squarespace.

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这里是《美国生活》，我是迈拉·格拉斯。今日节目主题为《信件》——真实信件，我们将听到当人们将思绪情感付诸纸笔时可能发生的万千故事。本期为重播节目。现在进入第四幕，第四幕《致美国陆军》。

This is American Life, Myra Glass. Today's program, letters, actual letters, which we hear the vast variety of things that can happen when you put your thoughts and feelings down on paper. Today's show is a rerun. We have arrived at Act IV of our program, Act IV. Dear US Army.

信件无需冗长便能传达要旨。这封由演员克里斯特尔·克拉克在伦敦皇家阿尔伯特音乐厅为《Letters Live》朗读的信件，以令人赞叹的简洁完成了使命。

So a letter doesn't have to be long to get its point across. This one, read by the actor Crystal Clark at the Royal Albert Hall in London for Letters Live, does its job with admirable efficiency.

1943年11月，阿肯色州波因塞特县征兵委员会。致美利坚合众国陆军：我丈夫让我写推荐信说明他养家糊口。他不识字，请别告诉他。他对我毫无用处。八年前嫁给他以来，除了闹事和喝柠檬精外一事无成，我还要养活他的七个孩子。

November 1943, draft board, Poinsett County, Arkansas. Dear United States Army, my husband asked me to write a recommendation telling you that he supports his family. He cannot read, so don't tell him. He ain't no good to me. He ain't done nothing but raise hell and drink lemon essence since I married him eight years ago, and I gotta feed seven kids of his.

或许你们能让他扛枪。他对付松鼠和吃饭很在行。带走他吧，欢迎之至。我需要口粮和床位给孩子们。别告诉他这些，直接带走送得越远越好。

Maybe you can get him to carry a gun. He's good with squirrels and eating. Take him and welcome. I need the grub and his bed for the kids. Don't tell him this, but just take him and send him as far as you can.

卡西·默多克夫人

Missus Cassie Murdoch.

克里斯特尔·克拉克为《Letters Live》朗读信件。第五幕《亲爱的佐伊》，有些信你收到了，有些信你希望收到。两者间的鸿沟往往意味深长。有请制作人佐伊·蔡斯。

Crystal Clark, reading a letter for Letters Live. Act five, dear Zoe, there are the letters you get, and then there are the letters you wish you got. And the gap between those two things can say so much. Here's producer Zoe Chase.

我父亲写过很多信。他给我和生命中每个人都写过。父母离婚后，即使周末就能见面，他仍会往母亲家给我寄信。他会寄明信片，比如只写着'碰碰车蓝色，不许回击'。那是1989年。

My dad wrote a lot of letters. He wrote them to me and to everyone in his life. After my parents got divorced, he would write to me at my mom's house, even though I'd see him that weekend. He'd send postcards that just said, for instance, punch buggy blue, no punch back. It was 1989.

那时我八岁。他年近六旬。他对待书信有时像发短信一样随意，因为无论大事小事他总爱写信。有时一周两封，有时只为传递我们之间的默契笑点，或附上他的行程安排。这就是那些计划。

I was eight years old. He was almost 60. He treated letters sometimes like text messages because he wrote so many for big and small reasons. Sometimes two a week, sending an inside joke between us, or always he'd send along his plans. Here are the plans.

你回来后和我共度周末吧。周五可以来我办公室，然后我们和西尔瓦娜共进晚餐。或许还会看一部叫《熙德传》的电影，讲的是西班牙中世纪著名武士的故事。那个周日的午时左右我得送你回家，因为即便周一是劳动节假期，我还有课要教；分号。下个周末我们可以去海港转转。

Come with me for the weekend after you get back. You can come to my office on Friday, and then we have dinner with Silvana. We might also see a movie called El Cid about a famous warrior in the Middle Ages in Spain. I have to bring you home on Sunday of that week about noon ish because I have to teach even though there's a holiday on Monday, Labor Day, semicolon. At this point, we can go to the harbor the following weekend.

我去学校接你然后出发。那是1993年8月。他常在附言里写：我不用大写字母给你写信，因为我喜欢这样写，因为切换大小写既费时又无聊。但你不该学这个坏习惯，成年之前都不行。随着我长大，信件的语气也成熟起来。

I pick you up at school and off we go. That was August 1993. He'd often add in a p s, I'm writing to you without using capital letters because I like to write letters that way, because it is time consuming and boring to make caps. You should not do this, because it is a bad habit until you are grown up. As I grew up, the letters grew up.

它们开始带有不同的腔调。这是1995年5月20日的一封：亲爱的佐伊，这是爸爸的又一封信。所有这些信都值得保存多年后重读，将来还能写进回忆录。就是这种夸张的语调。

They took on a different tone. Here's one from 05/20/1995. Dear Zoe, this is another letter from dad. All of those can be kept over the years and then reread, and then used in your memoirs. This is the tone, grandiose.

他正在给孩子传授重要的人生指南。信里继续写道：理解工作的本质及其对生活的影响至关重要，无论是学业还是其他。你会发现多数情况下，工作能帮助人度过艰难时期。我和琼、你母亲分手时，正是工作赋予我生活秩序，让我能好好生存，并期待情况好转的那天。

He's offering important words of guidance to his child. It goes on. It is important to understand the nature of work and how it will affect your life, whether schoolwork or something else. What you will find out in most work situations is the way in which work helps one to get through hard times. I know that when I split up with both Jean and your mother, it helped me to have a job, to give me structure so that I could survive okay and look forward to a better time when things would be better for me.

所以工作在这方面大有裨益。当你在学业或社交中起伏时——比如现在，功课和体育训练都能助你度过低谷。当然，严肃对待的体育运动（你也应当如此）并不能取代人际情感、朋友或恋人。但它能让人生更完满。相信我。

So work helps a lot in that respect. If you have ups and downs at school and social matters, for example, well, the work, schoolwork, but also in your case, sports, helps to get one through a rough period. I don't mean that work, whether it be sports, which you take seriously and should, replaces human values, friends, lovers, whatever. But it helps complete the roundness of life. Believe me.

那时我六年级。附：打字时别学我不用大写。这只是我的习惯。否则你会养成坏毛病。

I was in sixth grade. PS. Don't use lowercase when you type. That's just for me. Otherwise, you will get into bad habits.

父亲是作家、历史学者、杂志编辑、教授、外交政策专家。这些头衔或许枯燥，但他本人绝非如此。他热情、慈爱、充满活力，他的信件也是。这些信其实并不展现脆弱，也不是平辈间的对话。

Dad was a writer, a historian, magazine editor, professor, foreign policy guy. A dry subject maybe, but he was not a dry person. He was warm and loving and excited, and so were his letters. What they weren't really was vulnerable. They weren't peer to peer.

它们是父亲写给女儿的，而这正是我珍视的。我不想要别的相处方式。我喜欢被照顾、被引导、被唠叨。而他显然也乐在其中。1999年6月30日。

They were father to daughter, which I loved. I didn't want it to be different. I liked being taken care of, and guided, and mentored, and fussed over. And he was just clearly enjoying playing the role he was playing. 06/30/1999.

那时我十七岁，高三。最亲爱的佐伊：《神曲》开篇写道：人生旅途的中途，我发现自己置身幽暗丛林，正确的道路早已消失。确实，人有时会陷入黑暗丛林，迷失正途。这时必须重新寻路，甚至一而再再而三。

I was seventeen, twelfth grade. Dearest Zoe, the opening lines of the divine comedy. In the middle of the road of our life, I found myself in a dark wood where the straight way was hidden. In any case, sometimes one does find oneself in a dark wood and the right way, the straight is lost. And one has to find the path again and sometimes again and again.

夏令营怎么样？我最后一次收到父亲的来信是在2004年2月他去世两天后。那是他从巴黎寄来的一张明信片。现在找不到了，但我记得他建议我不要办信用卡，暂时只用借记卡。

How was camp? The last missive I received from dad came two days after he died in 02/2004. It was a postcard he'd mailed from Paris. I can't find it now, but I remember he recommended against opening a credit card. Just stick with a debit card for now.

当时我22岁。直到今年六月，我才再次收到他的信。随着他的朋友们相继离世，他们的家人发现了我父亲当年写给他们的旧信，并将这些信件转寄给了我和姐妹们。我收到一封父亲1960年写的信，那时他才28岁。

I was 22. I didn't get another letter from him until this year, in June. As his friends have died, their families found these old letters my dad had written to them and sent the letters to my sisters and me. I got one from dad from 1960. He was 28 years old.

我42岁时读到这封信。这是我第一次读到比我年轻的父亲写的信，也是第一次看到他写给其他成年人的内容。这与我过去收到的信截然不同——没有说教、没有宏大叙事、也没有人生指导。

I was 42 reading it. It was the first letter I'd ever read where he was younger than me. And the first where he was writing to another adult. It was very different from the ones I used to get. No lessons or grand gestures or guidance.

信里谈到了他的处女作小说。二十多岁时他在巴黎参军期间完成了这部作品。翻阅书稿时，能明显看出海明威对他的深刻影响。这本书名为《游戏规则：爱与愚行的小说》，出版于1960年。

It was about his first book, which was a novel. He wrote it in his twenties while living in Paris, serving in the army. Looking through the book, it was clear Hemingway was very much on his mind. It was called The Rules of the Game, a Novel of Love and Folly. It was published in 1960.

据我所知反响不佳。这封信是写给他当时的姐夫杰克的：亲爱的杰克，非常感谢你关于这本书的来信。难得有人从道德层面而非文体或技术缺陷来讨论这部作品。当然事实上，我比任何人都更清楚它的不足之处——甚至比以往任何时候都更清楚。

It was not received well, I gather. The letter was to his brother-in-law at the time, Jack. Dear Jack, thank you so much for your letter about the book. It was so good to have someone discuss the book in terms of its moral implications rather than stylistic or technical fault. The fact is, of course, that I am only too aware of its shortcomings or indeed more aware than ever before.

为了抵消由此产生的绝望，我比以往更努力地创作下一本书，希望它能比《规则》更丰富饱满。眼下我被评论界的沉默包围着，这是个艰难的教训，但或许是好事。我需要培养坚韧的外壳——我正在学习生长出这样的外壳。他从未向我表露过这些不安。

To counterweight my own despair about this, I'm working harder than ever on my next book, which I hope will be richer and fuller than the rules. At the moment, I am enveloped by critical silence, a hard lesson, but maybe a good one. A tough outer skin is something I need. I'm learning to grow one. He never wrote to me about his insecurities.

二三十岁的我若能知道他也有这种感受该多好。听他诉说作为新晋成年人的压力——在憧憬伟大、拼命努力后，却面对平庸的自我时那种失望。即便42岁读到这些，看到他质疑自己所有选择仍让我感到安慰。这种自我怀疑与自我批判深植于我的性格，日复一日。

In my twenties and thirties, I would have loved to know that he had this feeling. To hear him talk about the weight of being a newish adult, so disappointed with yourself after imagining greatness and trying really hard and seeing the lack of greatness. Even at 42, it was a comfort to see him questioning everything he was doing. That kind of self doubt and self criticism is a huge part of my personality. That is every day.

显然这是我和父亲的共同点，而我此前毫不知情。我还收到他1966年写给另一位密友的信，我称呼她为玛吉阿姨。那时他三十多岁。

And apparently, it was a thing we had in common, my dad and me. I didn't know. I got a letter he wrote to someone else, a close family friend known to me as aunt Maggie. It was 1966. He was in his thirties.

那时他正与母亲相遇前的某位女士交往：亲爱的玛吉，小说进展顺利，我的经纪人也满意。终于遇到一位令我倾心的女士。自十月起我们开始约会（是这个说法吧？），有人如此在乎自己实在是美妙。

He was dating someone new before my mom. Dear Maggie, the novel proceeds apace, and my agent is happy with it. Finally, I have met a woman who I am very fond of. We have been going out, is that the word, since the October. And it is very nice indeed to have someone who cares a lot about one.

我敢用「爱」这个词吗？生活对我来说如此虚幻，如履薄冰，我不敢妄下断言。但她让我快乐，她善良、正直、美得惊人。而且33岁尚未婚嫁，无论她有什么心结，在我看来都无足轻重。

Dare I use the word love? Life seems to me so insubstantial, so filled with eggshells that I will predict nothing. But she makes me happy, and she is very kind, straight, and quite remarkably beautiful. Also, is 33 and has not been married. Her hang ups, whatever they are, strike me as minor.

她是如此充满爱心且慷慨。孩子，谁知道呢？也许我的运气正在改变。然而，你又看到了对幸福那种根深蒂固的不信任。他也有这种感觉。

She is so loving and giving. Enfant, who knows? Maybe my luck is changing. And then again, you see the old distrust for happiness. He had that too.

总觉得事情总会出问题。即使当下感觉良好，那也是假象。不会持久的。我当时不知道。还有一封给玛吉的信，里面的每一种感受对我来说都是陌生的。

The feeling that things would always go wrong. That even if it feels good in the moment, it's a trick. It won't last. I didn't know. There's another letter to Maggie in which every single feeling in it is new to me.

当然不是指我的经历——挫败、心碎、绝望。只是对我父亲形象的认知是陌生的。他当时正经历第一次棘手的离婚，带着我的两个妹妹——两个年幼的孩子。亲爱的玛吉，这是一封疯狂追赶的信，因为我实在没法打电话。

Not to my experience, of course, frustration, heartbreak, hopelessness. Just new to my experience of my dad. He was in the middle of his first messy divorce. He had two young kids, my sisters. Dear Maggie, a mad chase letter because I can't really call up.

有时把心事付诸纸笔是好的。无需回复。我意识到当事情变得棘手时，不能一走了之。毕竟没人的人生真的那么顺遂，谁都没法轻松过关。

Sometimes it is good to get things down on paper. No reply called for. I've realized you can't just move out when things get too hot. No one's life is that bloody good anyway. No one has it knocked.

但我并不期待未来。我看到的是崩溃、麻烦和痛苦。无论怎么努力，人都无法无动于衷。照顾好自己。我6月6日出发，27日回来。

Yet I do not look forward to the future. I see breakdown and trouble and pain. And no matter how one tries, one cannot be indifferent. Take care of yourself. I'll be leaving June 6 and back June 27.

咬牙坚持下去。父母将他们辛苦积攒的苦涩对你有所保留，这是一种馈赠。是慷慨，而非自私。我对此心怀感激。但我仍记得我们最后一次谈话。

Hang on by your thumbs. A parent keeping their hard earned bitterness from you is a gift. It's generosity, not selfishness. I'm grateful for that. Still, I remember our last conversation.

我们在马萨诸塞州福尔里弗的酒吧，那是我父亲长大的老磨坊镇。电视播着奥运会，人们在背景中追求极致完美。我正和父亲聊我的新工作——毕业后第一份工作，那里的同事多么酷，而我多怕他们不喜欢我。

We're at a bar in Fall River, Massachusetts, the old mill town where my dad grew up. The TVs were on, the Olympics I think, people striving to perfect perfection in the background. I was talking to dad about my new job, first post college job. How cool the people were who worked there. How afraid I was they wouldn't like me.

父亲说："那是以前的佐伊了。你不需要再费心揣测别人怎么看你。"我移开视线没有回应——那一刻我需要的不是建议。

That's the old Zoe, dad said. You don't need to spend time worrying what people think about you anymore. Okay. I looked away and didn't say anything. I wasn't looking for advice at that moment.

如果知道那是我们最后一次对话，或许我会问："你也有过这种感受吗？告诉我吧，详细说说。"我多希望他曾向我袒露更多自我怀疑、过失与不确定。

Maybe if I'd known this was the last conversation we were ever going to have, I would have asked a question. Have you ever felt this way? Tell me about it. Tell me everything about that. I wish he'd told me more about second guessing himself about errors and uncertainty.

但说到底，并没有具体某件事希望他告诉我。不是总想追问"我像你吗？你像我吗？我们一样吗？"而是他的离世让这场对话戛然而止。

But really, there's not any specific thing I wish he'd told me. It's not that I always wanted to know, am I like you? Are you like me? Are we the same? It's that we were interrupted when he died.

这正是我讨厌的地方。我原本希望我们的对话能持续、变化并扩展。信件很棒，我热爱这些信件。这些信件是我所拥有的全部。

That's what I hate. I wanted our conversations to continue and to change and expand. The letters are great. I love the letters. The letters are what I have.

但信件是凝固的。它们让我——用爸爸的话说——依然饥渴。它们终结了无尽的爱，爸爸。这和真实对话完全不同，根本不能相提并论。

But the letters are fixed. They leave me as dad might say, still hungry. They end endless love, dad. It's not the same as having a conversation. It's nothing like what a conversation would be.

佐伊·蔡斯是我们节目的制作人。

Zoe Chase is a producer on our show.

那个投递口。当他握在手中时，感受到一阵兴奋的颤栗。又一封无人收到的情书。某个邮差正悠然自得

The slot. He feels the rush of excitement as he holds it in his hand. Another love note no one got. Some postman is grooving

哭泣。

cry.

现在是正午。

It's noon now.

今天的《世界布罗姆》由贝玛鲁·温米制作，执行编辑伊曼纽尔·巴里剪辑。参与本期节目制作的人员包括金代·邦兹、约翰·科尔、迈克尔·科马特、阿维娃·德科恩菲尔德、汉娜·杰菲·沃尔特、亨利·拉尔森、托宾·洛、凯瑟琳·雷蒙多、纳迪亚·雷蒙德、瑞安·拉姆里、伊莉丝·施皮格尔、莉莉·沙利文、弗朗西斯·斯旺森、克里斯托弗·索塔拉、马特·蒂尔尼、南希·厄普代克、朱莉·惠特克和黛安·吴。我们的总编辑是萨拉·阿卜杜拉曼。今天重播的节目来自苏珊娜·加伯、安吉拉·贾维西和斯皮尔·尼尔森。特别感谢编辑丽贝卡·蔡斯、莎拉·蔡斯、苏珊·蔡斯、弗兰克·克洛斯和维多利亚·马丁对本节目作为《美国生活》合作伙伴的支持。

World Broome was produced today by Bemaru Woonmi and edited by our executive editor Emmanuel Barry. People put together today's show include Jindai Bonds, John Cole, Michael Komate, Aviva De Kornfeld, Hana Jaffee Walt, Henry Larson, Tobin Lowe, Catherine Raimondo, Nadia Raymond, Ryan Rummery, Elise Spiegel, Lily Sullivan, Frances Swanson, Christopher Sotala, Matt Tierney, Nancy Updike, Julie Whittaker, and Diane Wu. Our managing editor is Sara Abduraman. Up on today's rerun from Suzanne Gabber, Angela Jarvisi, and Spill Nelson. Special thanks to editor Rebecca Chase, Sarah Chase, Susan Chase, Frank Close, and Victoria Martin to support our show as a This American Life partner.

成为合作伙伴，您可享受无广告收听、定期获得额外剧集，以及直接在播客订阅中获取数百集经典节目。请访问thisamericanlife.org/lifepartners。

Partner. You get ad free listening. You get regular bonus episodes. You get hundreds of Greatest Hits episodes right in your podcast feed. Go to thisamericanlife.org/lifepartners.

链接也附在节目备注中。今天感谢生活合作伙伴卢克·塔伦特、马修·罗茨、艾米·爱泼斯坦·斯威兹和约翰·M·斯威兹。《美国生活》通过公共广播交换机构PRX向公共电台分发。一如既往感谢联合创始人乔·普罗格拉姆，托雷·马拉提亚的新快速致富计划。

The link is also in the show notes. Thanks today to Life Partners, Luke Talent, Matthew Rotts, Amy Epstein Swayze, and John M. Swayze. This American Life is delivered to public radio stations by PRX, the public radio exchange. Thanks always, Joe Program's cofounder, Tore Malatia, his new get rich quick scheme.

他点燃线香，烧着一张美元钞票包裹。然后缓缓吟诵。

He lights incense, sets a dollar bill on fire package. And then slowly chants.

财务财务，财富的秘密。

Financial financial secret to wealth.

我是哈拉·格拉斯。下周回来，带来更多《美国生活》的故事。下周播客内容预告：

I'm Harrah Glass. Back next week, more stories of This American Life. Next week on the podcast of

《美国生活》节目中，一个男人和他的车。你知道，有些人会用‘它’来指代汽车，而我用‘她’来称呼我的车。人们会说，你和这个车座之间有种特殊关系。

This American Life, a man and his car. You know, like, some people also, like, use the pronoun it for the car. I use the pronoun she for her. Like and people say, you you are in a relationship with with this car seat.

在他生活的小社区里，这个叫阿里的男人拥有唯一的汽车，这让他成了非正式的出租车司机、送货员和校车司机。那么当他的车树敌时会发生什么？下周请收听当地公共广播电台的播客。

In small community where he lives, this guy Ali has the only car, making him the unofficial taxi driver, delivery guy, and school bus driver. So what happens when his car makes an enemy? That's next week on the podcast on your local public radio station.

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This message comes from NPR sponsor, Shopify, the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all ecommerce in The US, get started with your own design studio. Sign up for your $1 per month trial at shopify.com/npr.