881：我想要的正是我想要的

他们想要扩张自己的领地，渴望永生。

They to expand their territories, they want to live forever.

这是一种极其自私、贪婪的行为。

It's terribly egotistical, greedy behavior.

而至少暴食，虽然也不是无私的，但至少是谦逊的，不是吗？

Whereas whereas at least gluttony in its kind of it's not selfless but it's humble isn't it?

懂吗？

Know?

你觉得爱德华·丹多喜欢进监狱吗？

Like do think Edward Dando liked going to prison?

当然不喜欢。

Of course not.

但爱德华·丹多拥有

But Edward Dando had

那种谦逊，愿意说：我不重要。

the humility to say, I don't matter.

我的生命不如这些牡蛎的庆祝重要。

My life doesn't matter as much as the celebration of these oysters.

你知道吗？

You know?

对生命的庆祝。

The celebration of life.

同样地，我向你保证，我的银行余额不如一份多米诺披萨的庆祝重要。

In a similar way, I promise you, my bank balance does not matter as much as the celebration of a Domino's pizza.

不过，你明白我的意思吗？

Do you know what I mean though?

我试图说明，暴食时代已经结束了。

I'm trying to make the point that it's just Gluttony is is over.

懂吗？

Know?

贪婪的人赢了。

The greedy men have won.

这让我疯了，因为我也在这里高举着暴食的旗帜。

Drives me mad for because also because I'm flying the gluttony flag out here.

你知道吗，我信奉暴食，而且我把暴食推向了一个全新的境界。

You know I believe in gluttony and I took gluttony to a whole new level.

去年，太惊人了。

Last year, shocking.

所以，去年为了资助我在爱丁堡边缘艺术节的演出，我参加了一项临床试验。

So okay last year to fund my Edinburgh Fringe run I went on a clinical trial.

对吧？

Right?

于是我参加了一个试验，他们给我感染了疟疾。

So I went on this trial where they gave me malaria.

这是真的。

This is true.

我以前就笑过。

And I've got a laugh before.

不过，这个节目适合每个人。

No but there's something for everyone on this show.

认真的，我向你保证。

No seriously I promise you.

我参加了这个临床试验。

I went on this clinical trial.

他们给我感染了疟疾，结果事情有点失控了。

They gave me malaria and actually it got a bit out of hand.

这导致了一次令人动容的经历，几乎是一次濒死体验。

It resulted in a sort of touching it was a near death experience.

我提起这件事，是因为去年经历了这一切之后，我觉得自己真的配得上在爱丁堡边缘艺术节的时光。

I bring this up because I really felt like last year after everything that happened, I felt like I really earned my time at the Edinburgh Fringe.

懂吗？

Know?

我渴望生活。

I was hungry for life.

我想表演我的节目。

I wanted to do my show.

我想去看别人的节目。

I wanted to watch other people's shows.

我想出去逛逛。

I wanted to hang out.

你知道吗？

You know?

我玩得特别开心。

I I was having a great time.

在爱丁堡边缘艺术节的第五天左右，我怀着胜利的精神，心里想，

And and I in the in the spirit of triumph, on about day five of the Edinburgh Fringe, I thought to myself,

爱德华·丹多会怎么做？

what would Edward Dando do?

于是我

And I

我给自己弄了现代版的牡蛎。

got myself the modern day equivalent of oysters.

我给自己买了奶酪薯条。

I got myself some cheesy chips.

我超爱奶酪薯条。

I love cheesy chips.

我吃这些奶酪薯条时离睡觉时间太近了。

And I ate these cheesy chips slightly too close to going to bed.

我醒了过来，不出所料，我感到前所未有的疼痛。

And I woke up, unsurprisingly, I woke up in the most extraordinary pain.

那是种可怕的、糟糕的胃痛。

It was this horrible, dreadful stomachache.

就像有个人压在我身上，你知道的，事实确实如此。

It was like someone was lying on top of me, you know, which they were.

我把他们弄开了。

Got them off.

但那真是太糟糕了。

And then But it was awful.

胃痛，有点像恶心的头痛，还发烧了。

Stomachache, kind of nasty like headache, a fever it was.

那简直太难受了。

It was dreadful.

我只记得躺在床上想，好吧，我得去趟洗手间，然后这些奶酪薯片就会排出去了。

I just remember I remember lying there in bed and thinking, okay, I just need to get myself to the bathroom and I will eventually pass these cheesy chips.

我疼得厉害。

And I'm in a lot of pain.

实际上我打了111。

And actually I phoned 111, right?

他们问：疼痛有多严重？

And they How bad is the pain?

我说：挺严重的。

And I said, It's pretty bad.

这还没疟疾严重。

It's not as bad as malaria.

他们说：‘你这话真够奇怪的。奇怪的。’

And they said, What an incredibly strange thing to say.

他们说：‘听着，如果还能忍受，那很可能只是食物中毒。’

And they said, look, if it's manageable the chances are you've probably got food poisoning.

我想：好吧，食物中毒？

I thought, fine, food poisoning?

我可不能因为食物中毒就取消任何演出。

I don't need to cancel any shows because of food poisoning.

我得过疟疾。

I've had malaria.

我得过真正的病。

I've had a proper disease.

我盼了整整几个月、几个月、几个月的爱丁堡边缘艺术节。

I've been looking forward to the Edinburgh Fringe for months and months and months.

我真的很想演出。

I really want to do my show.

我绝不会因为食物中毒就取消演出，天哪。

I'm not gonna cancel the show because of food poisoning for God's sake.

于是我上了舞台。

So I went on stage.

但在接下来的几天里，当我继续演出时，我的身体基本上开始崩溃了。

But over the next few days as I was doing these performances basically my body started to shut down basically.

所以我一睡就是好几个小时。

So I would sleep for hours.

我会睡上十八个小时左右，或者类似的时间。

I'd sleep for sort of eighteen hours or whatever.

醒来后，我会服用所有能弄到的止痛药。

And I'd wake up, I'd take all available pain relief.

然后我去演出。

I'd go and do the show.

表演结束后我立刻倒下，又睡了十八、十九甚至二十个小时。

Straight afterwards I'd collapse and I'd sleep for another eighteen, nineteen, twenty hours.

生病第五天，我记得给妈妈打电话说，这次真的严重了。

Five days into the illness, I remember phoning up my mom and saying, this is really bad now.

这是我经历过的最痛苦的疼痛。

This is the worst pain I've ever been in.

她问：到底有多严重？

She said, how bad is it actually?

我记得对妈妈说，我觉得我想死。

And I remember saying to my mom, I I feel like I want to die.

我觉得我宁愿死去。

Like I feel like I want to be dead.

她说：你两周前丢手机的时候也这么说。

And she said, you said that two weeks ago when you lost your phone.

我当时确实这么说的。

And I did.

所以接下来这一周，我提供的任何叙述都不太可靠。

So I'm not a reliable narrator of any of this next week.

明白吗？

Okay?

别太当真。

Take this with a pinch of salt.

后来我去了一家药店买更多泻药，那里步行只需五分钟，但我却走了四十五分钟。

Now, I went to this pharmacy to get more laxatives which is a five minute walk away and I did that walk in forty five minutes.

于是我心想，好吧，我得去医院了。

So I thought okay right I'm gonna have to go to the hospital.

医院的环境是不是挺难搞的？

And hospitals are difficult environments aren't they?

你知道吗，因为作为成年人，医院是一个你需要为自己争取权益的地方。

Know, because also a hospital as an adult is a place where you have to kind of advocate for yourself.

对吧？

Right?

这基本上就是在模仿你自己的妈妈。

Which basically means doing an impression of your own mom.

懂吗？

Know?

而这就是成年生活，虽然很悲哀，对吧？

And that's that's adulthood isn't it sadly?

你知道吗，作为成年人，你总是不停地模仿自己的父母，直到最后你真的变成了他们。

You know you just you go around as an adult doing sort of impressions of your own parents until eventually it sticks.

然后前几天，我烤了一只鸡。

And then you kind of the other day I roasted a chicken.

你知道的？

You know?

那感觉就像一场变装表演似的。

It was like a drag act or something.

这到底发生什么事了？

What the fuck's going on here?

我是不是

Am I

一场音乐剧的开场曲什么的？

the opening number of a musical or something?

真奇怪。

Bizarre.

于是我进了这家A&E的候诊室，最后说：好吧，医生现在可以见你了。

So I went into this A and E waiting room and eventually said, right, the doctor will see you now.

这位医生带我进了个有帘子隔开的区域。

And this doctor, she took me into a curtained off area.

她说：听着，我不知道你哪里不舒服，但她说，对于腹痛这类问题，你其实拖了太久才来。

And she said, look, I don't know what's wrong with you, but she said, the good news is with things like abdominal pain, she said, you've actually, you've left it a very long time to come in.

我拖了七八天，差不多吧。

I've left it seven or eight days, something like that.

所以她说，因为你拖了这么久，不太可能是严重的问题。

So she said, because you've left it so long, it's unlikely to be anything that serious.

对于这些腹部问题，如果是阑尾炎、肠穿孔之类的情况。

With these abdominal things, if it's something like a, if it's appendicitis or if it's a perforated bowel or something like that.

但你早就该死了，对吧？

But you'd have been dead by now, right?

所以她说，你还能好好在这儿，说明情况 probably 很轻微。

So she said, actually the fact that you're still here means it's probably quite mild.

这应该是个感染。

It'll be an infection.

我们会弄清楚具体是什么原因。

We'll figure out what it is.

我们会给你开些药，你就可以回家了。

We'll give you some tablets and you can go home.

你今晚大概就能演出，不行的话明天也行。

You can probably do your show tonight, if not tomorrow.

太好了，没问题。

Great, fine.

带我去做了很多检查，弄清楚到底发生了什么。

Took me for a load of scans, figure out what was going on.

她回来时脸上带着一种困惑而严肃的表情。

And she came back with quite a confused, quite grave look on her face.

她说：好吧，你可能不会相信，但你确实是阑尾炎。

And she said, Okay, you're not gonna believe this but it is appendicitis.

我说：哦，这不是很巧吗？

And I said, oh, isn't that funny?

她说：不是。

And she said, no.

她用原话说道：你的阑尾不只是感染了。

She said this in her words, said, your appendix has not just become infected.

她说的不只是破裂了——而阑尾炎最糟糕的情况通常就是破裂。

She said it hasn't even just ruptured, which is the usual sort of worst case scenario for appendicitis.

她说你的阑尾几天前就破裂了，现在，在她的话里，已经完全毁掉了。

She said your appendix ruptured days ago And your appendix has now, in her words, obliterated.

她说，你的阑尾已经完全碎裂，现在正在你体内四处漂浮。

She said, Your appendix has completely fallen apart and it is now floating around your body.

她说，你处于一种叫做腹腔内脓毒症的状态。

She said, You are in a state called intra abdominal sepsis.

她说，我们必须在接下来的几个小时内为你做手术，否则你会死。

And she said, We need to operate on you in the next few hours or you're going to die.

她说，所以我们现在必须马上把你送到手术室。

And she said, So we need to get you to the theater right now.

我说，这正是我一直想告诉你的。

I said, That's what I've been trying to tell you.

快送我去手术室。

Get me to the theater.

但说实话，我不会假装这不可怕，因为显然它真的很可怕。

And but look, I'm not gonna pretend it wasn't scary because obviously it was scary.

因为突然间，这变成了一场真实的生死危机。

And because suddenly it was a real life emergency.

他们把我安排进医院病床，并把我排进了紧急手术的优先名单。

They put me in this hospital bed and they bumped me up the kind of urgent surgery list and stuff.

我从手术中醒来后，外科医生说，这是一句原话，他说：是的，当我们打开你身体时，我们都吓了一跳。

And I woke up from the surgery and the surgeon said, and this is an exact quote, he said, Yeah, when we opened you up, we were all a bit like yikes.

现在他们还不知道阑尾炎的病因是什么。

Now they don't know what causes appendicitis.

有人提出，过于高脂肪的饮食可能会导致阑尾炎。

And it's been suggested that excessively fatty diets might lead to appendicitis.

我几乎因为自己的贪吃而丧命。

I was essentially almost killed by my own gluttony.

然后他基本上是责备了我。

And then he told me off basically.

他对我发火了。

He got cross with me.

他说：在我二十五年的普通外科医生生涯中，我从未见过有人因为这种固执的态度——每天坚持做节目，不愿取消——而拖到这么晚才来治疗阑尾炎。

And he said, in my twenty five year career as a general surgeon, he said, I've never seen someone come in that late with appendicitis because of this kind of dogged attitude I had to doing the show every day and I didn't want to cancel it.

他说这很危险，很愚蠢，很鲁莽，也很不成熟。

And he said that was dangerous and it was stupid and it was reckless and it was immature.

他说如果你再拖一天，你就没命了。

And he said if you'd have left it one day more, you'd be dead.

你就不会在这里了，一切就结束了。

You wouldn't be here and that'd be it.

听到这些话真的很难不觉得他是在暗示我恰好赶在了最恰当的时刻来就诊。

And it's really, really hard to hear that and not think he's saying that I came in at exactly the right time.

他们是在说：是的，所以我没让你取消演出是正确的，谢谢你。

They're saying, yeah, so I was right not to cancel your stay show, thank you.

我的时机把握得完美无缺。

My timing's immaculate.

我能活下来真是非常幸运。

I was incredibly lucky to survive.

我感觉非常，我感到极其幸运能活下来。

I feel very, I feel incredibly lucky to survive.

对。

Right.

爱德华·丹多。

Edward Dando.

所以爱德华·丹多在我这个年纪时去世了。

So Edward Dando died when he was my age.

爱德华·丹多在29岁时去世了。

Edward Dando died when he was 29 years old.

他其实也是一个懂时机的人，因为他去世时，牡蛎刚刚开始被过度养殖，在伦敦逐渐失去流行，牡蛎餐厅也开始关门倒闭。

He was also a man of timing actually because he died just as oysters were starting to become over farmed and they were falling out of fashion in London and oyster restaurants were starting to close and go out of business.

人们很容易把爱德华·丹多的故事看作是一个从不吸取教训的人的故事。

And it'd be really easy to think of the story of Edward Dando as the story of a man who never learned his lesson.

但我不这么认为。

But I don't think that's true.

我认为爱德华·丹多确实吸取了教训。

I think Edward Dando did learn his lesson.

我认为爱德华·丹多每次都被决心驱使，继续做他最爱的事情。

I think Edward Dando resolved every single time to continue doing the thing that he absolutely loved more than anything else.

当我躺在医院病床上，急切地想回到爱丁堡边缘艺术节时，我想到了被单独监禁的爱德华·丹多，我希望他每次在心里对自己说：‘只要我出去了，’

And as I lay there in that hospital bed anxious to come back to the Edinburgh Fringe, I thought of Edward Dando in solitary confinement and I hope that every single time he thought to himself, when I get out of here,

你知不知道我特别想吃啥？

do you know what I really fancy?

我希望对他而言，每一次等待都值得。

And I hope that for him, every time it was worth the wait.

因为我可以发自内心地向你保证，这对我而言确实如此。

Because I can promise you from the bottom of my heart this certainly has been.

我恳求你，请做一个爱德华·丹多。

I beg you please be an Edward Dando.

吃下奶酪薯条，喝起香槟，即使面临败血症或监禁的阻碍，也绝不让自己在富足之地挨饿。

Eat the cheesy chips, drink the champagne, refuse to go hungry in a land of plenty even if a thing like sepsis or prison gets in your way.

看在上帝的份上，咱们去吃些牡蛎吧。

And for God's sake, let's go and get some oysters.

非常感谢。

Thank you very much.

约翰·塔蒂尔。

John Tatil.

我应该说，关于爱德华·丹多的历史记录相当稀少。

I should say the historical record is kind sparse on Edward Dando.

所以约翰为了填补空白，做了一些艺术加工。

So John took a few liberties to fill in the gaps.

但他抓住了核心精神。

He got the gist right.

至于高脂肪饮食是否会导致阑尾炎，正如人们所说，还需要更多研究。

As to whether a fatty diet can cause appendicitis, like they say, more research is needed.

约翰的演出由亚历克斯·卡特里奇和凯瑟琳·克雷格米尔执导。

John's show is directed by Alex Cartlidge and Catherine Craigmeil.

他目前正在美国各地巡演。

He's on tour right now across The U.

好。

K.

你可以在他的Instagram上找到详细信息，账号是JohnTuthill。

You can find details on his Instagram, JohnTuthill.

我们节目的制片人Eva de Kunfeld帮助他将这个故事改编成我们的节目内容。

Producer of Eva de Kunfeld from our show helped him adapt this story for our program.

第二幕：前伴侣的喜悦。

Act two, the joy of ex.

好的。

Okay.

有时候你和某人分手了，但你们仍然保持联系。

So sometimes you break up with somebody, and you still talk.

你们相处得很友好。

You're friendly.

有些前伴侣，你们再也不会说一句话了。

Some exes, you never speak with again.

这很残酷，但当一个人的感情被伤害时，大家都能够理解。

It's harsh, but everybody understands it when somebody's feelings are crushed.

这并不罕见。

It's not unusual.

罕见的是，有人想和所有前任保持联系，我的意思是，所有的前任，包括那些再也不想见到他面的人，那些感到深受伤害和失望的人。

What is unusual is somebody who wants to be in touch with all their exes I mean, all of them, even the ones who never wanna see his face again, the ones who feel really hurt and disappointed.

埃文·罗伯茨就是这样一个人，他希望主动联系，甚至与最敌对的前任成为朋友。

Evan Roberts is a person who wants to reach out like that and become friends with the most hostile of his exes.

这是一个奇怪的使命，我们的一位制片人托宾·洛对我们对此感到好奇。

It's a weird mission that one of our producers, Tobin Lowe, was curious about.

埃文列出了17位前任的名单。

Evan made a list of 17 exes.

到他和我见面时，过去几年里他已经和其中16位联系过了。

By the time he and I met, he had talked with 16 of them over the last several years.

能重新联系，听听他们那边的故事，感觉很好。

It was nice to catch up, get their side of the story.

但随着这件事持续下去，他越来越意识到，整个使命其实只是为了第17号对象。

But the more the thing had gone on, the more he realized this whole mission was actually just about X number 17.

他称之为‘大X’的人。

Someone he referred to as the big X.

一个叫基思的人，即使伊万主动联系，也不愿意交谈。

A guy named Keith, who even when Evan reached out, did not wanna talk.

他们是在新年左右分手的。

They'd broken up around New Year's.

那是2010年。

It was 2010.

几周之后，

A couple of weeks after,

我骑着自行车，正穿过公寓楼的小中庭去取邮件。

I was on my bike and I was going through the little atrium of the apartment building and getting the mail.

然后我收到了基思寄来的一张卡片。

And I got this card from Keith.

基思会重新利用卡片和信封，贴上贴纸之类的。

And Keith repurposes cards and envelopes and put stickers on them and stuff.

所以我当时在邮箱旁拆开了它，我肯定是在邮箱那儿打开的，封面上是一幅冬日景象，上面有一些蓝色的点状贴纸。

So I opened it up at the mail, like I'm blocking the door, I'm sure I opened it up at the mailbox and it is on the cover is a winter scene, and there's some blue stickers blue dotted stickers he has on it.

原本应该写祝福语的地方，却只剩下一个被撕掉的洞。

And where the sentiment of the card should have been was just a ripped out hole.

基思把原本该写‘圣诞快乐’或‘节日快乐’的部分撕掉了。

Keith had torn out the part where there should have been Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays.

那是个空洞。

It was a void.

我透过那个洞，看到了地上自己的鞋子。

It was like and I saw through the hole onto my onto my shoe on the floor.

在信封的另一面，基思写了一段话，说他认为他和埃文应该彼此远离。

On the opposite flap, Keith wrote a note about how thought he and Evan should stay away from each other.

我认为，大多数人收到一张 heartfelt 祝福被彻底删掉的节日贺卡，都会明白：信息收到了。

I think most people receiving a holiday card with the heartfelt sentiment surgically removed would think, message received.

我也会把你从我的生活中彻底删掉，前男友。

I will also cut you out of my life, ex lover.

无论如何，这都会是我的回应。

That would be my response anyway.

我实话告诉你，第一次听说你采访了所有这些前伴侣时，我简直吓坏了。

I will be honest, the first time I heard about the fact that you had interviewed all of these exes, I was, like, horrified by that.

我这个人从来不和任何前伴侣保持联系，不是因为怀有恶意，只是因为这根本不是

I'm such a like, I don't talk to any of my exes, not out of ill will or anything, but it's just like I it's not a

我做过的事。

thing I've ever done.

你为什么不同他们保持联系呢？

Why don't you keep in touch with them?

是事情就这么结束了吗？

Is it it is it just done?

这就像吐司，你没法把吐司再变回面包。

It's it's like a it's toast and there's you can't make toast bread.

我觉得我们之间的关系只存在于我们在一起的那段时光里。

I feel like the relationship we had exists very much in the time that we were together.

所以重新回顾它，对我来说，就像回到前世一样。

And so to revisit it, to me, feels like going to a past life.

我不太清楚，这种回顾对我个人来说有什么价值。

I don't know, like, the value of that, I guess, for me personally.

我只是想挑战一下你的观点。

I just want I would challenge you, I guess.

还有许多其他可能性。

There are so many other ways that it could be.

而这种死气沉沉的版本，是最无趣的。

And this sort of dead version is like the least interesting.

通过这些访谈，我逐渐意识到，如果曾经有过爱，它对我来说就一直都在。

And what I kind of realized through some of these interviews is if there was love there once, it's kind of always there for me.

只是想说，埃文和他的男朋友已经幸福地在一起十多年了。

Just to say, Evan has been in a happy relationship with his boyfriend for over a decade.

但自从他和基思十六年前分手后，他就一直疑惑，为什么那张卡片？

But ever since he and Keith broke up sixteen years ago, he's wondered why the card?

为什么基思再也不想和他说话？

Why did Keith never want to talk to him again?

为什么不能做朋友？

Why not be friends?

他们分手时，他有没有错过什么？

Had he missed something when they broke up?

有没有在不知情的情况下做了什么坏事？

Done something bad without realizing it?

埃文和基思在三十出头时相遇。

Evan and Keith met in their early 30s.

他们异地恋。

They dated long distance.

埃文住在旧金山，基思住在奥斯汀。

Evan lived in San Francisco, Keith in Austin.

埃文说，和基思在一起时，他感觉自己像是处于更高的音调上。

Evan loved who he was with Keith, said he felt like himself at a higher octave.

基思帮他申请了电影学院，这一直是他梦寐以求的。

Keith helped him apply to film school, which he'd always dreamed about.

基思外向、幽默。

Keith was outgoing, funny.

有一次基思来看埃文，埃文回家时发现他躺在客厅里假装昏倒，地上用火柴摆出了一行字。

One time when Keith was visiting Evan, Evan came home to find him fake passed out in the living room with a message spelled out in matchsticks.

T T O Y M M H。

T T O Y M M H.

想到你，我就热血沸腾。

The thought of you makes me hot.

但异地恋对他们来说很难熬。

But long distance was hard on them.

他们分分合合了好几次。

They broke up a couple of times.

总是会复合。

Would always get back together.

当基思搬去旧金山时，他们正处于一次分手期间。

They were on one of those breaks when Keith moved to San Francisco.

他说：看，我们现在真的可以好好经营这段关系了。

Said, look, we can make a real go of this now.

让我们让这段关系成功吧。

Let's make this work.

埃文感到惊讶，不知所措。

Evan was surprised, taken aback.

他没有立刻全身心投入，而是说：好吧。

And instead of jumping in feet first, he said, okay.

但让我们慢慢来，不要急于求成，这让基思很不高兴。

But let's take our time, not rush things, which Keith did not take well.

他的表情变了。

His face changed.

他的整个人都发生了变化。

Something about his whole body changed.

而且

And

确实感觉像一扇门关上了。

it did feel like a door closing.

这让你感到惊讶吗？

And did that surprise you?

我只是没想到我说的话会产生这么大的影响。

It only because I didn't know that what I said would have that impact.

基思彻底和伊万分手了。

Keith broke up with Evan for good.

之后，伊万感觉自己像在雾中行走。

Afterwards, Evan felt like he was walking around in a fog.

感觉我被困在了错误的时间线上。

It felt like I was stuck on the wrong timeline.

我只是感觉身处一个不属于我的平行宇宙中。

I just felt on a in a different parallel universe that I wasn't supposed to be in.

几乎立刻，基思开始了另一段非常认真的恋情，这让埃文更加困惑。

Almost immediately, Keith got into a different, very serious relationship, which has only further puzzled Evan.

他们都已经放下了。

They'd both moved on.

为什么现在不能成为朋友呢？

Why not become friends now?

但这些年来，埃文曾几次主动联系，基思每次都态度冷淡。

But Evan's reached out a couple times over the years and Keith has always been chilly.

这件事让埃文困扰了这么久，甚至成了他和朋友们之间的笑谈。

It's vexed Evan so long, it's become a joke with his friends.

最近，他们中有一个正好在基思的邻居区域，就发消息告诉了埃文。

One of them was in Keith's neighborhood recently and texted Evan about it.

他的朋友开玩笑说，他应该去基思家门前拍张自拍。

His friend joked that he should go take a selfie in front of Keith's house.

埃文在电脑上查到了基思的地址，复制粘贴后发给了朋友，然后点击了发送。

Evan looked up Keith's address on his computer, copied and pasted into a text to his friend, hit send.

接着他意识到自己不小心把基思的地址发给了基思本人。

Then he realized he had accidentally texted Keith's address to Keith.

埃文告诉我这件事时，我尖叫了出来。

I screamed when Evan told me this.

他认为自己通过迅速把短信编辑成一个句号，假装是误触发送了不当内容，从而挽回了局面。

He thinks he saved it by quickly editing the text to a period, pretending it was an accidental butt text.

你知道iPhone可以编辑短信吗？

Did you know you can edit texts on an iPhone?

我不知道。

I didn't.

最近，他最后一次给基思发消息，问对方是否愿意谈谈。

Recently, he wrote to Keith one last time, asking if you would talk.

我看到了那封邮件。

I see the email.

基思回复了。

Keith responded.

天哪。

Oh my god.

是的。

Yes.

算我一个。

Count me in.

基思同意了。

Keith was game.

什么？

What the fuck?

他们

They

通过Zoom通话。

talk over Zoom.

基思从布鲁克林接入。

Keith calling in from Brooklyn.

我和埃文一起在他位于旧金山的公寓里，坐在他的餐桌旁。

I'm with Evan in his apartment in San Francisco, sitting at his dining room table.

天哪。

Oh my God.

你好。

Hello.

你能听到我吗？

Can you hear me?

我能听到你。

I can hear you.

天啊，你听起来状态很好。

Oh my gosh, you sound good.

你听起来也很好。

You sound good too.

他们需要一点时间才能决定从哪里开始。

It takes a minute for them to figure out where to start.

通常的Zoom通话尴尬感，在一个男人和他的前男友之间会变得更加严重。

The usual awkwardness of a Zoom call is made even worse when it's a man talking to his ex boyfriend.

埃文提起他们上次交谈的内容，想知道基思是否还记得。

Evan brings up the last time they talked to see if Keith remembers.

你还记得上次是什么时候吗？

Do you remember the last time that was?

是在贝尔纳尔山吗？

Was it on, like, Bernal Hill?

不是。

No.

还是不是？

Or no?

不是。

No.

从那以后。

Since then.

你想再猜一次吗？

Do you want to guess again?

不是在贝尔纳尔山和我的狗一起吗？

It wasn't on Bernal Hill with my dog?

哦，是的。

Oh, yeah.

我的意思是，那件事确实发生过。

I mean, that happened.

那件事我记得，但那之后我们还一起吃过饭。

That was I mean, I remember that was but we've had dinner since then.

真的吗？

Oh, really?

嗯。

Mhmm.

这种事情发生过很多次。

This happens a bunch of times.

无论埃文提起什么，基思都只记得一点，或者完全不记得。

Whatever Evan brings up, Keith only kind of remembers or doesn't remember at all.

比如埃文提起基思用火柴棒拼出一句秘密话语的那次，那是他最珍视的共同回忆之一。

Like when Evan brings up the time Keith spelled out a secret message in matchsticks, one of his favorite memories of their time together.

你新说的那句是‘想到你我就热血沸腾’。

It was the thought of you makes me hot was your new one.

真的吗？

Really?

哇。

Wow.

这句不错。

That's a good one.

基思不记得这件事了。

Keith doesn't remember it.

更糟糕的是

What's worse

还有什么比有人对你生气、再也不想见你更糟的吗？

than having someone be angry at you, never want to see you again?

我来告诉你什么更糟——发现他们根本从没想过你。

I'll tell you what's worse, finding out they don't think of you at all.

然后他们转入正题，开始谈论他们分手的那个晚上。

Then they get down to business, start talking about the night of their breakup.

基思解释说，他原本希望，在他们终于同处一城的那晚，能真正地在一起。

And Keith explains he'd hoped that at the end of the night, with them finally in the same city, they could really do the thing, be together.

但伊万毫无兴奋之情。

But Evan showed no excitement.

事实上，伊万对他说：‘哇，慢点，一步一步来。’

In fact, Evan told him, Woah, slow down, one step at a time.

我觉得我的印象是，你希望在一起，但又想保持朋友关系。

I think my impression was that you wanted to be together, but you wanted to be friends.

我的感觉是，你只想要那样。

Like, I felt like that's what you wanted only.

只想要那样。

Only.

那真的很难受。

And that was really hard.

我不想要那样。

Like, I didn't want that.

我希望你对我的感觉，就像我对你的感觉一样。

I wanted you to feel the same way about me that I did about you.

我希望你能冲过来，想要拥抱我。

Like, I wanted you to, like, rush over and want to, like, embrace.

你想要的是浪漫喜剧。

You wanted the rom com.

你希望我们在机场奔向彼此。

You wanted us running to each other in the airport.

是的

Yeah.

完全正确

Totally.

那

That

那天，埃文以为自己只是在答应基思，只是想慢慢来。

night, Evan actually thought he was saying yes to Keith, but just asking to ease into things.

基思却认为自己被归为朋友了。

Keith had taken it as being friend zoned.

他们都承认，自己没有好好直接表达出来。

They both admit that they didn't do a good job of just saying that to each other.

太典型了。

Classic.

但尽管基思对那个时刻记忆犹新，他承认自己根本不记得那晚之后发生了什么。

But as much as Keith remembers that moment, he admits he doesn't really remember what happened after that night.

我刚刚是不是忽视你了？

Did I just ignore you?

求你了，告诉我我刚刚没忽视你。

Please tell me I didn't just ignore you.

你寄了一张分手卡片，上面还有个洞。

There was a breakup card that you sent in the mail with a hole in it.

天哪。

Oh my god.

天哪。

Oh my god.

天哪。

Oh my god.

哦，我想起来了。

Oh, I remember that.

天哪。

Oh, lord.

这是你的杰作。

It's your masterpiece.

天哪。

Oh my god.

那会出现在我的回顾展里吗？

Will that be in my retrospective?

我的意思是，我不太愿意承认，但我可能真的想伤害你。

I mean, I'm like, I'm not, like, proud to admit this, but I I'm probably wanting to hurt you.

对不起。

I'm sorry.

收到这样的卡片可真不怎么样。

That's not a great card to get.

特别是这个，我在外面贴了贴纸的那个。

This particularly one where I put stickers on the outside.

这看起来简直像个疯子。

Like, that seems like a psychopath.

就像承诺了一件事，结果却成了另一回事，比如‘这会是个有趣的派对’。

Like promising one thing and then being another like, hey, this is gonna be a fun party.

我们之间有点变得奇怪了。

It's getting a little weird between us.

但你猜怎么着？

But guess what?

埃文和基思聊了两个多小时。

Evan and Keith talk for over two hours.

有时，他们的对话显得有点客气，像是两个接受了良好治疗的同性恋男人，在被第三个同样接受了良好治疗的同性恋男人录音时，谈论着各自的创伤。

At times, their conversation feels a little polite, like two well therapy gay men talking about their trauma while being recorded by a third well therapy gay man.

但至少埃文有

But at least Evan has

基思寄卡片的原因，这为埃文铺平了道路，让他能说出自己此行的目的——证明他们本该从一开始就成为朋友。

the answer to why Keith had sent the card, which clears the way for Evan to do the thing he came here to do, make his case that they should have been friends all along.

是的。

Yeah.

我只是觉得，真希望我们能学会如何成为朋友。

I just feel like I wish that we could have figured out how to be friends.

就这么简单。

That's all.

一直以来都是这样。

This whole time.

是的。

Yeah.

你觉得这有可能吗？

Like, do you wish that was possible?

我其实从来没认真想过这个问题。

I just hadn't really thought about it.

作为一个擅长分隔情绪的人，直到你提出这个问题，我才意识到自己从未真正考虑过。

As a compartmentalizer, I, like I think I've until you've posed that question, I don't think I've really considered it.

埃文一直在努力让他明白，他完全想错了。

Evan just keeps trying to convince him that he's got it all wrong.

我不是那个意思，是的。

I don't so my yeah.

我只是不明白，对我来说，当我与某人建立联系，当我经历像与你以及我生命中其他爱人那样的关系时，感觉我根本没在好好经营。

I just I don't understand for for me, when I connect with someone, when I have the kind of experience I had with you and and with other loves of my life, it feels like such a like I'm not doing it.

我投入是有原因的，我希望有个人依然留在我的生命里。

I'm invest I'm investing for a reason, and I want I want someone still in my life.

自从我们分手后，我就一直希望你留在我身边。

I have wanted you in my life since we broke up.

我需要你。

I have needed you.

你还好吗？

You okay?

是的。

Yeah.

基思哼了几声

Keith huffs a couple

几次，最终擦去了几滴眼泪。

of times, eventually wiping away some tears.

他显得不知所措，似乎没料到伊万会流露出如此深刻的情感。

He seems overwhelmed, like he wasn't expecting this depth of feeling from Evan.

我感到难过。

I feel sad.

我为我处理事情的方式、我的沟通方式，以及我对你造成的伤害感到难过。

I feel sad about how I handled it, how I communicated, and that I was, like, hurtful to you.

我也只是为当时的自己感到难过。

And I also just sad for me and who I was then.

所以这让我想起我花300美元租的那个空房间，里面什么家具都没有，却渴望生活变成它本来不是的样子。

So it just, like, is placing me in that small room I paid $300 for or something with no furniture and wanting my life to be something that it wasn't.

而且也让我难过的是，你所说的，像我需要你作为朋友、作为我生命中的人，这让我觉得这一切都是一种浪费。

And also it makes me sad that you like I think what what you said, like I like I have needed you as a friend and a person in my life just makes me feel like like just a what a waste of time.

伊万也在默默承受着这一切。

Evan is also taking it in.

看起来很慌乱。

Seems flustered.

太奇怪了。

It's so weird.

现在就在这里，基思，这真是太奇怪了。

It's so weird to be right here now, Keith.

我从来没想过，是的。

I never thought Yeah.

我从来没想过你会说出这些话。

I never thought I'd ever hear any of these things come out of your mouth.

基思问他们是否可以休息一下。

Keith asks if they can take a break.

当我们重新回到Zoom上时，我提醒埃文我们还有一件事

When we get back on the Zoom, I remind Evan we have one last piece

要处理，就是那条误发的短信。

of business, the accidental text.

好的。

Okay.

所以你可以想象一下

So you can imagine how

埃文告诉他，他的朋友曾给他发过短信。

Evan tells him about how his friend had texted him.

他当时在基思的 neighborhood。

He was in Keith's neighborhood.

他们开玩笑说要在他的房子前拍张自拍。

Their joke about taking a selfie in front of his house.

所以我抄下了地址，发给了他。

So I copied the address, and I texted it to him.

然后我意识到我发错人了，发给了你。

And then I realized that I'd sent it to you.

真的吗？

Really?

天哪。

Oh my god.

你认真的吗？

Are you serious?

是的。

Yes.

基思拿出了他的iPhone。

Keith gets out his iPhone.

天啊。

Oh god.

就在这儿。

There it is.

看到那个句号了吗？

See the period?

现在看到上面写的‘已编辑’了吗？

Now see where it says edited?

是的。

Yeah.

你实际上可以点击那里，看看

You can actually press that and see what

基思点击了屏幕，让他看到了包含他地址的原始未编辑文本。

Keith taps on the screen, which lets him see the original unedited text with his address.

天哪。

Oh my god.

看，这就是跟踪一个不懂自己手机的人的好处。

See, this is the good thing about stalking somebody who doesn't understand their phone.

他们笑的方式，听起来有点像，我敢说，

The way they're laughing, they sound somewhat like, dare I

朋友。

say, friends.

房间里的注意力放松了。

Attention in the room is released.

他们更放松了。

They're more relaxed.

令我惊讶的是，内万承认，也许这一切有点过头了。

And Nevan, to my surprise, admits that maybe this all was a little bit much.

我脑子里还记着很多其他小细节，但我想，这部分原因也可能在于我或许也该放下一些事情。

There's there's all these other little details that I have stuck in my head, but I think part of this also is I might just need to let go of some things too.

我可能真的不需要紧抓着这么多细节不放。

I just might maybe I don't need to hold on to so many details.

是的。

Yeah.

你是个死抓着她不放的人。

You're a holder on her.

我确实是个死抓着她不放的人。

I'm a holder on her for sure.

是的。

Yeah.

关于你生活中的大多数事情，对吧？

About most things in your life, right?

或者像

Or like

就你。

Just you.

开玩笑的。

Just kidding.

开玩笑的。

Just kidding.

这很好。

That's good.

你是个值得尊敬的执着者。

You're a holder honor.

多么深刻的洞察啊。

Such an intimate observation.

也许伊万说的是对的。

Maybe Evan was right.

也许翻出你和前任们的所有旧事，并不只是自我折磨。

Maybe digging up all this old stuff with your exes isn't just a masochistic exercise.

他们说下次基思来城里时会一起吃晚饭。

They say they'll get dinner the next time Keith is in town.

通话结束，留下伊万和我两个人在公寓里。

The call ends, leaving Evan and me in the apartment.

我有点震惊。

I'm kinda shocked.

你吗？

You are?

是的。

Yeah.

我今天来的时候其实挺担心你的，或者不确定会发生什么。

I really came in today kinda worried for you, or like not sure what was gonna happen.

而且我真心觉得这次经历很有意义，这让我自己都感到意外。

And I feel I feel genuinely convinced that this was a worthwhile exercise, which I'm surprised by.

我不知道。

I don't know.

我只是想说一下，而且

I just wanted to say that and

我真的很高兴你有这种感受。

I'm so I'm so glad you feel that way, actually.

我觉得我得到了证实，是我让你信服了。

I feel that I feel vindicated that I that I convinced you.

我最近又和埃文聊过了。

I talked to Evan again recently.

他说基思来镇上了。

He said Keith came through town.

他们没一起去吃晚饭，但他对此并不在意。

They didn't get dinner, but he's okay with it.

他对他不再有任何问题了。

He doesn't have any more questions for him.

多布恩·洛是我们的节目制片人。

Dobyn Lowe is a producer on our program.

接下来，一件衬衫创造了司法历史。

Coming up, a shirt makes judicial history.

它犯了谋杀罪吗？

Did it commit a murder?

它贪污资金了吗？

Did it embezzle funds?

它违反了1970年的《清洁空气法》吗？

Did it violate the Clean Air Act of 1970?

答案马上揭晓，来自芝加哥公共广播电台，敬请继续收听我们的节目。

Answers in a minute from Chicago Public Radio when our program continues.

这里是《美国生活》，蜜拉·格拉斯。

This is American Life, Myra Glass.

今天的节目，我想讲的是人们决定去做那些我们大多数人选择不去做的事。

Today's program, I want what I want, stories of people deciding to do things that most of us choose not to do.

我们已经来到了节目第三幕。

We have arrived at act three of our program.

第三幕：律师、法官和服装。

Act three, the lawyer, the judge, and the wardrobe.

所以，我们今天的节目是关于人们做出不同寻常的选择。

So our show today is about people making unusual choices.

现在我们来看一位法官本周做出的一项决定，凡是听到这个决定的人似乎都一致认为，这是一项非常古怪的决定，不是人们通常会看到的那种。

And we turn now to a judge making a decision this week that everybody who hears about it seems to agree it was a very eccentric decision, not the kind of decision one usually sees.

这件事发生在德克萨斯州的一场重大联邦审判中，堪称‘反法西斯审判世纪案’，实际上也是特朗普政府的一项标志性案件。

This happened at a big federal trial in Texas, the Antifa trial of the century, in fact, a kind of landmark case for the Trump administration.

我们的制作人佐伊·蔡斯周二出席了这场审判的首日庭审。

One of our producers, Zoe Chase, was there for the first day of the trial on Tuesday.

联邦法庭内不允许录音，但佐伊在首日庭审——也就是陪审团遴选阶段（即‘voir dire’环节）——做了详细笔记。

You can't record in this federal courtroom, but Zoe took notes on that first day when they were picking the jury, the part of the process that's called voir dire.

顺便说一下，在德克萨斯州，大家都称它为voir dire，但我们的北方记者佐伊·蔡斯对文化挪用毫无兴趣，坚持使用她原本的说法，voir dire。

In Texas, by the way, everybody calls it voir dire, but our Yankee correspondent Zoe Chase has no interest in cultural appropriation and is going to stick to her native way of saying it, voir dire.

现在她向我们讲述法庭上发生的事情。

And she now tells us what happened in that courtroom.

那天非常精彩。

It was eventful.

所以，皮特曼法官大步走进了法庭。

So judge Mark Pittman kind of sweeps into the room.

全体起立。

All rise.

法官来了。

Here's the judge.

他是特朗普第一任期任命的法官。

He's a Trump appointee from the first Trump administration.

他有点表演天赋，富有魅力，听他讲话令人兴奋。

He's a bit of a showman, charismatic, and kind of exciting to hear from.

他有着浓重的得克萨斯口音。

He has a very strong Texas twang.

他热情地欢迎所有人，并且说，你知道，我最反感的就是那些嘲笑陪审团服务的人。

He welcomes in everybody, and, you know, he's like, you should know I have a pet peeve of people who make fun of jury service.

我喜欢引用弗雷德里克·道格拉斯的话。

I like to quote Frederick Douglass.

他说，我们国家维护自由与正义有三个关键工具：投票箱、弹药箱和陪审团箱。

He says, we have three boxes that preserve liberty and justice in this country, the ballot box, the cartridge box, and the jury box.

他停顿了一下，制造戏剧效果。

Dramatic pause.

当轮到开始询问陪审员时——也就是 voir dire 阶段，他率先发言。

And when they get to the part where you're supposed to start questioning the jurors, the voir dire, he goes first.

他主导了整个过程。

He leads it.

我在旁听室里，看不到陪审团，但大约有75人左右。

And I'm in the overflow room, so I can't see the jury, but there's 75 or so of them.

他们人数很多。

There's a big group of them.

他们会选出12个人，我猜还会选几个备选 jurors。

And they're gonna pick 12 people and, I guess, a couple of alternates.

对吧？

Right?

对。

Right.

12名陪审员，3名备选。

12 jurors, three alternates.

法官开始向陪审员提问，以了解他们是否存在潜在偏见。

And the judge starts asking questions to the jurors to see potential bias in the jurors.

所以他问他们：你对执法部门有什么样的经历？这在这样的审判中并不是什么不寻常的问题。

So he asked them, what kind of experience do you have with law enforcement, which is not an unusual question in a trial like this.

然后他又问：你对移民与海关执法局（ICE）的所作所为有什么强烈看法吗？

And then he goes, do you have strong feelings about what ICE has been doing?