爵士乐

是啊。没错。

Yeah. Yeah.

对，那些专辑名字都超酷。封面设计也特别棒。真的，整体感觉就是非常酷——除了听歌体验本身，那简直是，相当美妙。

Yeah. They all had really cool names. The albums had really cool covers. Yeah. It was just it was just very cool, except for the listening to it experience, which was really, really quite nice.

不，不是那样。是很棒。赫比·汉考克。

No. It wasn't. It was good. Herbie Hancock.

哦，他太厉害了。那个

Oh, he's amazing. The

名字，赫比·汉考克，这些名字都酷到没朋友。

names, Herbie Hancock, they all have incredibly cool names.

是啊。你听起来像奥斯卡·彼得森？

Yeah. And you sound like Oscar Peterson?

这名字很酷。对吧？还是说因为他爵士弹得好才显得酷？

It's a cool name. Yeah. Or is it? Or is it just because he's good at jazz that it's a cool name?

不知道。奥斯卡·彼得森这名字本来就很酷。

I don't know. Oscar Peterson's a cool name.

像切特·贝克那样？切特？我是说...换我就撑不起这名字。

Like Chet Baker? Yeah. Chet? I mean, what? I couldn't pull off Chet.

哦对。好吧。也许吧。你刚说什么？

Oh, yeah. Okay. Maybe. Yeah. What are saying?

好吧。不，我对它太苛刻了。你是说我本可以

Alright. No. I'm being hard on it. You're saying I could

是啊。不行。但我真的可以吗？

yeah. No. But could I?

是爵士长笛吗？是爵士长笛吗？我告诉你，我大学时有长笛。我在学校考过四级。

Was it jazz flute? Was it jazz flute? I did you know, I had the flute. I had the flute at university. I did grade four at school.

这不算什么大事，对吧？四级也就那样。确实不是什么了不起的事，你懂吗？

I'm not not a big deal. Right? Grade four is pretty yeah. It is it's not a big deal. You know?

所以我带着它去了大学，有人劝我尝试爵士长笛。

So I took it to uni, and people were trying to tell me to get into jazz flute.

我觉得这难得出奇，不是吗？因为它很酷，但就像爵士乐——我小时候在学校拉小提琴，拉了很长时间但非常糟糕。十几岁时我接触爵士，还记得我问小提琴老师能不能教我爵士。你看，我现在有五级水平了，我准备好了。

I think it's fantastically difficult, isn't it? That's because it's cool, but it's like jazz I played the violin as a kid at school, very, very poorly for a very long time. I I go into jazz as a teenager, but I can remember asking my violin teacher if if he could teach me teach me jazz. Like, you know, I I've got a grade five now. I'm ready.

是时候了。而他只是那样看着我，翻了个白眼说

It's time. And he just sort of looked at me inside and rolled his eyes and said

就把这把这六盒酸奶喝了吧。这就是这就是你的酸奶使命，罗曼。当时

Just just eat this eat this six pack of yogurt. This is this is your reek to do yogurt, Roman. It was

明显被拒绝了。这是我童年里少数几次，当我提出想做点有建设性的事时，对方直接说‘不，我们连试都不会试’。

a clear no. I think it's one of the first times in my childhood that someone had just like, I'd ask to do something relatively constructive, and and someone just said, no. We're we're we're not even going to try that.

不。但你看，这就是为什么那一刻你的使命是酸奶——因为酸奶最初是作为慰藉来到我们身边的。

No. But you see, that's why you reek for yogurt at that moment, because yogurt first comes to us as a salve.

平庸者的慰藉。

A salve to the mediocre.

这是对平庸的慰藉，不是吗？

A salve to mediocrity, isn't it?

因为酸奶这个词就是这个意思。

Because It's what the word yogurt means.

这个词的意思是模仿。酸奶意味着因为因为想想，那位音乐老师，他对你这么说过。他是对的。

It's what the word memeic. Yogurt means because because think, that music teacher, he said that to you. He's right.

我猜他折断了你的他折断了你的他折断了你的手臂。

I assume he snapped your he snapped your He snapped arms in half.

是的。为了确保你永远无法再拉小提琴。

Yes. To make sure you could never play the violin again.

所以他他会他会折断你的手臂，

So he he would've he would've snapped your arms,

而且他还会一只向前折，一只向后折。因为如果因为如果你两只都向后折，他仍然觉得你可能在背后拉小提琴。所以我猜他还会放火烧掉你的胡子。是的。

and also he would've snapped one forward, one backwards. Because if them because if you snapped them both backwards, you still feel that he could've played the violin behind you. So he'd made sure he would've set fire to your mustache, I'm guessing. Yeah.

但是用一种那种长燃的石蜡膏。是的。所以它烧了几个星期，作为对我们孩子的警告。

But using a sort of a a long burning sort of paraffin paste. Yeah. So it burned for weeks as a warning to our children.

因为因为如果他只用打火机油，它会很快烧完，只会痛苦几个小时。是的。它会留下一个

Because because if he just used lighter fluid, it would have burnt off, and it would have just been agonizing, but only for a few hours. Yeah. It would have left a

他的练习室里有很多那种脆脆的头发疹子，这是他不想看到的。

lot of crispy sort of hair rash in his in his practice room, which he doesn't want.

当然，他大概会在乐谱架下面放些本生灯，把温度调得特别高。

And, of course, he would have presumably got some Bunsen burners under the music stand to heat it right up.

是啊。所以当我用我那严重受伤的手臂折叠乐谱架时，我的手掌被烫出了水泡。

Yeah. So when I as I was folding my music stand back up with my horribly broken arms Yeah. My palms were being were being burnt to blisters.

没错。当你经历了那样的一天，正走在回家的路上，经过一家超市，橱窗里挂着个大招牌，上面是那家本地超市的总经理泡在酸奶里直到乳头位置的图片。你肯定会进去的，对吧？我觉得这就是酸奶的魔力所在。

Yeah. And and when you've had a day like that, and you're and you're on your on your you're on your way home, and you pass a supermarket, and there's a big sign in the window, and there's a picture of the general manager of that that local supermarket up to his nipples in yogurt. Yeah. You go in, don't you? And that's that's how that's how yogurt gets you, I think.

因为它显然有种母性的特质，不是吗？酸奶。所以那里有种让人安心的感觉。

Because it's it obviously has a maternal quality, doesn't it? Yogurt. So there's a comfort there's a comfort there.

尤其是你去那些大型的Sainsbury's超市，酸奶是从一个巨大的奶头状容器里流出来的。

Or especially if you go to one of the larger Sainsbury's where it's vended from a huge teat.

没错。但也许我生活中没有酸奶的原因是我从未有过那种时刻。我吹过长笛，他们说，亨利，你长笛吹得真好。我GCSE阶段学生物。

That's right. And but of course, I maybe the reason I don't have yogurt in my life is because I've never had that moment. I played the flute. They said, Henry, you're very good at flute. I did biology at GCSE level.

他们说就到此为止吧。但你知道吗？我从未遭遇过那样的闭门羹。本，我猜你也有类似的经历？

They said Let's leave it there. But do you know what? I I never had that door slammed in my face. Yeah. Ben, I assume that what what was it for you?

而且

And and

非常相似的故事。是啊，14岁，小提琴四级。

Very similar story. Yeah. 14 years old, grade four violin.

嗯。是啊。不知道那是什么

Mhmm. Yeah. Don't know what it

那天早上不知怎么的，空气中弥漫着什么。我看着琼斯先生说，我能用这东西演奏爵士乐吗？然后，是啊，他扯断我的手臂，加热乐谱架，强迫我 对。对。对。

was that morning, something in the air. But I looked at at, mister Jones and said, could I ever play jazz on this thing? And, yeah, snapped my arms off, heated up the music stand, forced me to Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

那些话，怎么了？帕卡贝尔配不上你吗？至今还在我耳边回响。是啊。他们说得对。

And the words, what's the matter? Isn't Packabell good enough for you? It still still rings in my ears. Yeah. They're right.

这些人说得对。然后我回到家，一口气砸了50个穆勒三角蛋糕。

They're right, these people. And then I got home and just smashed 50 Muller Corners.

是啊。但你也发现为什么它叫帕卡贝尔大炮了吧？因为他把你绑在大炮上了，不是吗？进帕卡贝尔的大炮里。现在明白了吧。

Yeah. But you also discovered why it's called Packabell's cannon, isn't it? Because he strapped you onto the cannon, didn't he? Get in Packer Bell's cannon. Get it now.

然后它把你发射出去，你落在了大卖场的酸奶区，对吧。

And it and it shoots you out, and you land you land, didn't you, in the yogurt section of a of a hypermarket.

那么亨利，你大学时是在演奏爵士长笛吗？

So, Henry, did you spend your university years playing jazz flute?

没有。但说实话，他们几乎是在求我继续吹长笛。

No. But I, to be honest, were begging me practically to continue with flute.

在那个大学圈子里，就是这所特定的大学，他们极度缺乏爵士长笛手。其他乐器都不缺。

In the in the university scene, it was this university specifically, they were starved of of jazz flute. They had everything else.

我上学时，学校有个管弦乐团。嗯。我被安排当第三长笛手。

When I was at school, there was a an orchestra in my school. Mhmm. I was made third flute.

了解管弦乐队的人都知道，一般来说，通常不会超过两支长笛。

People who know about orchestras will know that generally speaking, often there there isn't more than two flutes.

你知道吗？好吧，哦，我想铜牌运动员不值得祝贺。

You know? Well Oh, and I suppose bronze athletes don't deserve congratulation.

那你当时在打什么分数？你在做什么？嗯，你完全喝醉了吗？我当时醉了

So what were you scoring? What were you doing? Well Were you fully corked? I was corked that

长笛被保鲜膜包住了。而且它还被涂了奶酪。是的。一块二级切达干酪被塞进了吹口，一直往上塞

the flute was clingfilmed. And and it was cheesed. So Yeah. A grade two level cheddar had been run through the through the mouthpiece and all all the way up the all the up

然后你就在场边热身练习吹奏口型，对吧？

the And you'd just be warming up your embouchures on the sideline, wouldn't you?

没错。完全正确。理论上我是超级替补。但从未被召唤上场。

Yeah. Exactly. I exactly. I was I was I was super sub in theory. I never called on.

不过话说回来，我当时很机灵，但我意识到有一次排练时发生的事情，我发现我们在排练。我想，我就停下来不吹一会儿，看看会发生什么。没人注意到。你

But anyway, I was so flick but I I realized what happened was during a during a rehearsal once, I realized that so we were rehearsing. I thought, I'm just gonna stop playing for a minute and see what happens. No one noticed. Do you

觉得整个乐队会因此停下来吗？

think that the whole thing would grind to a halt?

看在上帝的份上，老兄。

For the love of God, man.

少了点什么。是什么呢？

Something's missing. What is it?

你在维持勃拉姆斯的生命，打包工。别切断勃拉姆斯的氧气。你在扼杀勃拉姆斯。

You're keeping the Brahms alive, packer. Don't cut off Brahms' oxygen. You're strangling Brahms.

就连定音鼓也突然沉默了。勃拉姆斯正在经历第二次死亡。

Even the kettle drums are abruptly silent. Brahms is dying a second time.

是啊。所以我意识到我可以什么都不演奏。这没什么区别。所以在唤醒阶段这让事情稍微轻松了些。但后来我意识到实际上我或许该稍微动动手指，让拨片保持在唇位循环的位置。

Yeah. So I realized it I could play nothing. It didn't make a difference. So that that eased things off a bit during rousal. But then I then I realized it was I should actually probably move my fingers around a bit and keep the puck at loop lip position.

嗯。到那个地步，你不如直接演奏算了。我是说，如果你——

Mhmm. At which point, you may as well just play. I mean, if you

费那么大劲儿就为了

go into that much sort of

不演奏。没错。不演奏反而更费劲。

effort to not play. Exactly. It was almost more effort to not play.

是啊。要物理上控制不在长笛上方呼吸。对。

To yeah. To physically not breathe over the top of the flute. Yeah.

正是。这相当有挑战性。真的非常非常难。所以我后来改为随机演奏，开始实验。结果我竟在学年末的主音乐会上随机演奏起了《伦敦在燃烧》。

Exactly. It's be quite challenging. Really, really quite hard. So what I did instead was I randomly play so then I would experiment. I've actually ended up randomly playing London's Burning in in in in the main school concert at the end of the year.

其他人都在演奏勃拉姆斯。而我坐在那儿心想，你们这群该死的失败者。我在这儿吹《伦敦在燃烧》，却获得和你们一样的掌声。你们这群蠢货。打包工，这话你是用长笛说的吧。

Everyone else was playing Brahms. And I sat there going, you fucking losers. I'm playing London's Burning here, I'm and getting the same amount of accolades as everyone else. You fucking fools. Packer, you said that through the flute.

不该这样。但确实。我以前每场音乐会都吹《伦敦在燃烧》。挺酷的。

You should No. But yes. I I used to play London's Burning during all the concerts. Pretty cool.

我是说，这挺爵士风格的，对吧？

I mean, that's quite a jazz move, isn't it?

奇怪的是，这确实很爵士。是的。就像是奥斯卡·彼得森会做的那种事——用各种酷炫方式翻录一整张《伦敦在燃烧》的专辑。没错。但你知道吗？

It's actually quite a jazz move, weirdly. Yeah. It's kinda thing that Oscar Peterson would have done like an album of covers of London's Burning in different cool ways. Yes. But you know what?

我记得我在学校时同时讨厌上了两样东西。要知道我把古典音乐和网球永远联系在一起，因为这两样都是我在学校不擅长、还总被念叨的东西。网球在我们学校是体育选修课，你得通过选拔才能打网球。我去了，结果朗诵了一段《亨利五世》的台词。

I I remember I I developed a dislike of two things at the same time when I was at school. Remember which I I've all forever linked classical music and tennis because they were both things that I was bad at at school and got and got and got sort of talk talk because so so you could tennis was a sports option at my school. You had to sort of audition for tennis. So I turned up. I did a speech from Henry the fifth.

不是那段著名的独白。我选了阿什顿·克罗尔之后的台词，觉得会很有趣。结果他们说——就一个词——‘做作’。

Not the main one. I thought it'd be quite interesting. Was a post Ashton Kroll speech. And they said they said it was, one word one word, hammy.

缺乏上旋。

Lacking in topspin.

对。没错。我网球选拔落选了。他们就是不让我进。我当时想：去你的网球。

Yes. Yeah. I I I I failed to get into tennis. It just didn't let me in. I thought, screw you, tennis.

还有古典音乐也搞不好，我就想：去你的古典音乐。

And also, was bad at classical music, and I thought, screw you, classical music.

从此就谋划着复仇是吧？所以终极叛逆行为就是在网球场上用长笛吹奏《伦敦在燃烧》。

Been plotting your revenge ever since. So if you, the ultimate act of rebellion, would be playing London's Burning on the flute on a tennis court.

在温网决赛现场。对。这就是为什么我后来放弃了长笛。不过我记起当时有人聊到爵士长笛，可能因为我觉得：哦，这或许是个很酷的延续方式。

At the Wimbledon final. Yeah. But that's why because that's why I sort of gave up flute. But I remember there was a bit there was a there was a sort of conversation about jazz flute. Is that because I thought, oh, that might be a cool a cool way to continue.

因为所有人都清楚我注定要当个酷盖。没错，我酷到不屑古典音乐，酷到不屑网球——但还没酷到不屑柔道。

Because it was it was it was obvious to everybody that I was going to be cool. Yeah. I was too cool for classical music. I was too cool for tennis. Not too cool for judo.

真的吗？我最爱做的事之一就是柔道。我练过柔道。

Really? Which I which I love doing. Judo. I did judo.

今年奥运会我看了点柔道比赛。我不太喜欢这项运动。我这样练过一点，还挺有趣的。

I watched a bit of judo at the Olympics this year. I don't love it as a sport. I did a bit of this way. It's quite fun.

只要我们都穿着睡袍，我能把任何人摔倒在地。

I can wrestle anyone to the ground as long as we're both wearing we're both wearing sleeping gowns.

而且要方向正确。方向正确。如果他柔道比我差就奇怪了。还有一条很糟糕的腰带。而且非常非常非常糟糕地系对了。

The and the right way around. The right way around. And if he's worse than me at judo, which is weird. And a very sick belt. And very, very, very sick Tied correctly.

而且要在有垫子的场地里。

And and on the padded floor area.

所以如果你穿着...

So if you ever try and mug me wearing

刚从床上爬起来。

Straight out of bed.

对，刚从床上爬起来。

Yeah. Straight out of bed.

可能不是柔道。我在奥运会上看的那个，基本上像是古代摔跤的那种。目标好像是...不对，目标似乎就是把对方脑袋踢飞。

Maybe it wasn't Judo. I was watching at Olympics. What's the one where it seemed like, basically, the The ancient wrestling. Is the aim of, like no. The aim seemed to be just to kick the other guy's head off.

哦，

Oh,

那是跆拳道。啊，跆拳道。我觉得跆拳道挺让人失望的，因为我原本以为会看到类似成龙那种

that was Taekwondo. Ah, Taekwondo. I found Taekwondo quite disappointing because I I assumed a tune in. It would be like a sort of Jackie Chan type

是啊。

Yeah.

场面，你会见识到最震撼的武术，世界上最伟大的武术家们。对，表演他们的卧虎藏龙。但他们一开始就穿了太多裤子。

Thing, and you just see the most spectacular martial art the the greatest martial artists in the world Yeah. Doing their crouching tiger thing. But they're they're wearing too many pants for a start.

他们可以

They can

几乎动弹不得。

barely move.

你想要的是黑暗奥运会吧，迈克？就是所有项目都一样，但没有规则。一切都是至死方休。

What you want, Mike, is the is the dark Olympics, isn't it? Where it's all the same events, but no rules. Everything is to the death.

铅球致死。障碍赛致死。跳进岩浆。

Shot put to the death. Staple chase to the death. Diving into lava.

嗯，你得从

Well, you have to dive

另一边跳出来，对吧？

up the other way, don't they?

就是逃出来。试着从岩浆里爬回跳板，非常非常难。根本不可能做到。

It's get it's get out. Just try to get out of the lava and up on the diving board very, very hard. It's impossible to do.

在老虎身上表演马术。

Dressage on a tiger.

那只你刚遇到的。主裁判朝你脸上投掷标枪。你是参赛选手吗？

That you've just met. Javelin done by the main judge at your face. Are you the competitor?

那你擅长哪些项目？更像是摔跤对吧？更像是摔跤。对，近身的那种。

So which ones do you do? That's more wrestling, is it? That's more wrestling. Yeah. Up close.

应该是各种投技、缠斗和锁技的结合。像是一种充满敬意的较量

Supposed to sort of of throws and and and grapples and holes. It's like a sort of respectful fight

两个聪明人过夜时可能会进行的那种。我也不确定。所以这确实...有点特别。虽然很痛，实际上它依然被归类为一种创伤记忆，和网球课的羞辱、古典音乐的羞辱、去练柔道并列。

that two wise people might have if they were having a sleepover. I don't know. So this is it's a yeah. It's it's kind of unusual. But but it's still very painful, and actually, it still goes down as a as a sort of traumatic It still goes down as a painful school memory along with the tennis humiliations, the classical music humiliations, going to judo.

因为每天在柔道课上，我都得忍受身体疼痛——有个叫艾伦的特别高大的男孩总是把我举起来摔在地上，真的非常非常疼。

Because every day at judo, I would have to suffer physical pain because a really, really tall boy called Alan would basically pick me up and drop me on the floor, and it really, really, really hurt.

我们这儿有个名字消音的家伙，他两岁半就进入青春期了。

I we had Name Redacted, who went through puberty when he was two and a half years old.

没错。然后

Yes. And

他 是啊。

he Yeah.

那就是我们的艾伦。

That was our Alan.

或者还有那位名字被隐去的人。他身材瘦小，但在柔道方面天赋异禀，能把你彻底击败。

Or or also there was Name Redacted. Who was very lightly built, but just naturally gifted at judo and just would utterly destroy you.

哇。去练柔道还得坐公交车，挺奇怪的。我记得有一次下车后，三个抢劫犯或者说想抢我的人追着我跑，我当时没选择跑回车上。还记得我当时想，我这是在躲避被抢劫的路上，却注定要被艾伦打伤。

Wow. To to get to judo, had to take a bus, weirdly. And I remember once getting getting off the bus, and then three muggers or, like, people who were trying to mug me chasing me and running instead of running to get back on the bus. Remember I thinking, I'm trying to avoid getting mugged on the way to somewhere I'm definitely gonna get hurt by Alan.

该读你的邮件了。好的，请吧。

Time to read your emails. Yes, please.

如果你

If you'd

想给我们发邮件，请发送至3beansaladpod@gmail.com。这是来自萨姆的邮件。

like to email us, do so at 3beansaladpod@gmail.com. This is from Sam.

你好，萨姆。嗨，萨姆。

Hello, Sam. Hi, Sam.

亲爱的豆子们，这周我决定首次独自前往霍伊岛野营。哦，那是哪里？这是我正式申请成为英国最北端听众的投稿。

Dear Beans, this week, I decided to head out for my first ever solo wild camp on the Isle Of Hoy. Oh, where's that? This is my official entry for the title of most northerly listening in The UK.

哦，酷。

Oh, cool.

那一定是苏格兰的一个岛屿。苏格兰的岛。听起来像是，对吧？霍伊岛。

So that must be a Scottish island. Scottish Isle. Sounds like it, isn't it? Isle Of Hoy.

你找到了吗？它位于奥克尼群岛，维京人称之为‘高岛’。霍伊岛确实名副其实，是奥克尼群岛的第二大岛。

Have you found it? It's like it's in the Orkneys named High Island by the Vikings. Hoy certainly lives up to the title. It's it's Orkneys' second largest island.

有人写道，我在美丽的阳光下徒步约三小时，找到了一个完美的僻静地点，并不介意那艰难且泥泞的地形。然而，随着夜幕降临，开始下起了大雨。我浑身湿透，冷得发抖，因为我那件高档的新雨衣结果糟糕透顶。

Some writes, I hiked for about three hours to find the perfect secluded spot under beautiful sunshine and didn't mind the difficult and boggy terrain. However, as the evening drew in, it began to rain quite heavily. I was cold and soaked to my skin as my posh new raincoat turned out to be devastatingly shit.

哦，天哪。

Oh, man.

我慌了，因为我找不到一个安全的地方搭帐篷。与此同时，那些本地好斗的bonksey鸟。本地好斗的bonksie鸟。那是个形容词还是物种名？我不知道。

I panicked as I couldn't find a safe place to pitch up. All the while, the native aggressive bonksey birds. The native aggressive bonksie birds. Is that an adjective or a species name? I don't know.

Bonksie带个x。霍伊岛的bonksie鸟。你去查查bonksie那些，Sam。哦，它是真实存在的。它是一种大杓鹬，有时也被称为bonksie。

Bonksie with an x. The bonksie birds of of the Isle Of Hoy. You look up a bonksie those, Sam. Oh, it's a real thing. It's a great skewer, sometimes known by the name bonksie.

好吧，就是这样。所以那些本地好斗的bonksie鸟一直在用它们威胁性十足却又略带性感的警告叫声，越来越近地围着我盘旋。

Well, there we go. So all the while, the native aggressive bonksie bird circled ever closer to me with their threatening, yet slightly sexy warning calls.

哦，是的。

Oh, yes.

但回头已经太晚了。如果我无法弄干衣服，只能颤抖着度过怎么办？如果我在看不见的兔子洞里扭伤脚踝怎么办？如果bonksies决定啄瞎我的眼睛怎么办？我注定要死在这荒凉的山坡上，成为这里的幽灵。

But it was too late to turn back. What if I couldn't get dry and was left a shivering mess? What if I broke my ankle in an unseen rabbit warren? What if the bonksies decided to take my eyes? Surely, I was destined to perish and haunt this desolate mountainside.

我被悲观的想法淹没了。于是为了提振精神，我决定重听一集《三豆沙拉》的老节目。

I was overwhelmed with pessimistic thoughts. So in an attempt to lift my spirits, I decided to relisten to an old episode of three bean salad.

非常好。明智的选择。

Very good. Good choice.

非常好。在求生情况下，这是生存手册的第一页。

Very good In a survival situation, it's page one of the survival handbook.

可爱的山区仓库现在会卖给你像蚊虫喷雾这样的东西，里面还附带一小段三豆沙拉的故事。液态的。液态的。

Lovely mountain warehouse stores now they'll sell sell you things like mozzie sprays that have a little a little episode of a three bean salad. In liquid form. In liquid form.

可以做成喷雾。你可以喷雾化

Can aerosol it. You can aerosol

因为它等等。现在就是那个和肯德尔薄荷糕对吧，这两样东西是是

it because it's wait. It's that and Kendall Mint Cake now, isn't it, are the two things that Are the are

我们能把节目实体化的两样东西。对。没错。没错。接下来的一个小时是我这辈子最艰难的时刻之一。

the two matters we've been able to get an episode into in physical form. Yeah. Yep. Yep. The next hour was one of the most challenging of my entire life.

嗯。折磨人，痛苦不堪。

Mhmm. Grueling, miserable.

哦，哇。

Oh, wow.

我几乎失去了活下去的意志。那段路走得也很艰难。哦，山姆。太棒了。播放广告曲吧。

I nearly lost the will to live. The walk was pretty hard going too. Oh, Sam. Wonderful stuff. Play the jingle.

女士们先生们，请热烈欢迎老把戏登场。

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage the old switcheroo.

好的。明白。我懂你的意思了。对。你是说那个什么？

Okay. Yes. I see what you're saying. Yeah. You're saying that what?

见鬼。我以为你是想说

Heck. I thought were you trying to say

哦，他往另一边去了？啊，他绕了个弯。他的意思是...哦，原来他是这个意思。现在怎么办？所以他之前说的不像我以为的那样。现在他让我也绕进去了。

oh, he's gone the other what? Oh, he's gone the other way around. He means that oh, that's what he meant. Now what? So what he said before wasn't like, I thought it's Now he's got me on the way around for that.

天啊，这是老把戏了。铺垫得不错

Oh god. It's the old switcheroo. Nice level of lead up

我也这么觉得。干得漂亮。完全没料到

to that, I thought. Nicely done. Didn't see what didn't see it

直到事情发生才反应过来，这种我很喜欢。没有过度铺垫。我是说，干得好，山姆。显然你在后期处理上很有分寸。是的。

was coming until until it was upon you, which I which I like. Wasn't too much build up. I well, I mean, well done, Sam. Obviously, your boundaries in the post. Yeah.

谢谢。对我来说，就像体操比赛里裁判举起分数牌

And thank you. For me, that's you know, when they they lift they hold up the judges hold up the numbers

是啊。

Yeah.

这个表演我会给8分。

In gymnastics. That for me is an eight, I think.

噢，确实。

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

稳稳的8分。非常非常扎实。

Very solid eight. Very, very strong.

干得好山姆，这手反转玩得漂亮。不过代价是我们的狼狈相吧？最近经常这样。

Well done, Sam, for doing Switcheroo. It was at our expense though, wasn't it? It often is these days.

是的。通常是这样。没错。

Yes. It tends to be. Yeah.

是啊。所以有点遗憾。

Yeah. So bit of a shame.

这是否意味着你认为如果是我，就无法达到完美的十分

Does that mean he's you can't you think you can't get to perfect tens if it's I

不认为能达到完美的十分，如果你觉得自己受到了贬低

don't think can to perfect tens if you feel that you've been disparaged

某种程度上。

in some way.

是啊。但它确实存在，

Yeah. But it's out there,

不是吗？完美是真实存在的。它就在那里。

isn't it? The perfects are true. It's out there.

哦，它确实存在。它就在那里。所以我们仍在等待。

Oh, it's out there. It's out there. So we we still we still await it.

好吧，当我们的大脑都爆炸时，我们就知道已经读完了。

Well, we'll know that we've read it out when all of our brains explode.

没错。但我想对这封邮件说的是非常感谢，但我确实希望邦克斯鸟今年什么时候能在你头上拉屎。不过...不过你还是会得到徽章。

Yeah. Exactly. But so what I would say to the email is thanks very much, but I do hope that Bonksy Birds shits on your head at some point this year. But but you but you still gets the badge.

是啊。徽章已经寄出了。本发邮件说。你还记得我们之前聊过，我想是在讨论饼干是哪一年发明的？我记得我问你的问题是，你认为最后一种伟大的‘是’是什么。

Yeah. Badge is in the mail. Ben emails. Do you remember we were talking a while ago about, I think we're talking about what year biscuits were created? I think the question my question to you was, what do think is the last great Yes.

饼干。最后一种伟大的

Biscuit The last great

饼干。加入经典行列？

biscuit. Join the canon?

我们当时是怎么决定的？我们可是追溯了很久，对吧？

What did we what did we decide? Well, we went a ways back, didn't we?

对。我们全搞错了，因为迈克选了奶油夹心饼。结果发现它们是十九世纪的产物。

Yeah. We got it all wrong because I think Mike went for custard cream. It turns out they're from the eighteen hundreds.

好吧。然后我们发现玛莎百货开始给它们裹巧克力了。对吧？对，没错。

Alright. And then we discovered that M and S was starting to cover them in chocolate. Right? Yeah. That's right.

是啊。

Yeah.

总之，顺着这个话题，我们收到了本的邮件。简而言之，邮件的标题说明了一切：‘夏巴塔面包比我爸还年轻。难道它是巨石阵的石头孕育的吗？’他说，他本来押上养老金赌夏巴塔是16世纪的美食，但实际上夏巴塔是……让我们猜猜看。

Anyway, kind of on that on that topic, we've had an email from Ben. And, basically, the long and short of it is all in the email subject title, which is, Shabbatta is younger than my dad. Was he sired by the very stones of Stonehenge? He says, I would have put my pension on ciabatta being a 1,600 delicacy, but ciabatta was actually invented. What what let's have a guess.

玛格丽特·夏巴塔发明的。

By Margaret Chiabatta.

我本来想说夏巴塔面包比人类还古老。它太老了。我是说，那个……我们……

I'd have said that ciabatta is prehuman. It's so old. I mean, I I mean, there's there's there's We're

为了吃恰巴塔面包而参与其中。

involved in order to eat ciabatta.

是啊。没有什么东西会老到不能吃恰巴塔。我是说，对我来说，根本没有——根本没有一个年龄数字能老到不适合吃恰巴塔。真的吗？

Yeah. There's nothing that can be old. I mean, for me, there's I I just there's there's no there's no figure that's old enough for ciabatta to be. Really?

我本以为它会是维多利亚时代的产物，像是专为那些参加豪华旅行的游客设计的。好吧。这挺有意思。北欧人要是发现各地的面包其实都一样，肯定会大失所望。所以他们为游客特制了这种面包。

I would've thought it would've been a Victorian it would've been like it would've been designed as a four grand tour tourists. Okay. That's good. Northern Europeans, and that would have been horrified to reveal to discover that bread was just the same everywhere. So they they sext up bread for the tourists.

有趣。这是唯一一种气泡多到能当钱包或行李用的面包，对吧？因为你真的可以把东西塞进去。

Interesting. It's the only bread that has so many air bubbles in it that you can use it as essentially as a purse or wallet or some luggage, isn't it? Because you can you can put stuff in it.

没错。或者当救生圈用，如果你...

Yeah. Or a float if you have

或者救生圈。如果你...

Or float. If you're

要漂流的话。正是。对。

going to swayed. Exactly. Yeah.

是啊。我觉得恰巴塔面包里空气占比超过50%了吧？很多时候都是这样，不是吗？

Yeah. It's almost it's it's it's more than 50% air, I'd say, lot of time in ciabatta, isn't it?

其实恰巴塔是1982年发明的。靠。天啊。你们俩都比恰巴塔还年长呢。

Well, the Cervato was invented in 1982. Fuck. Good lord. You two are both older than the Cervato. Yeah.

去你的。谁信啊？我查过资料，它是为了对抗法棍的成功而发明的。

Screw you. Who buy? And I did some research. It was invented in reaction to the success of the baguette.

那是在1981年发明的。

Which was invented in 1981.

嗯，我觉得法棍面包历史悠久，但在七十年代曾风靡一时，很多人开始迷恋法棍。我敢说在七十年代之前，比如在英国，你根本买不到法棍。那么它是在哪儿发明的呢？意大利。当时意大利有个人觉得，意大利得加把劲了，因为法棍正在占领市场。

Well, I think baguettes are old, but they had a bit of a in the seventies, lots of people got into baguettes. I'm sure before the seventies, you couldn't get a baguette in Britain, for example. So and but where was it invented? Italy. So a guy in Italy was like, Italy needs to raise its game because the baguette's taking over.

为了对抗法棍？是啊。好吧。然后人们

To take on the baguette? Yeah. Okay. And people

欧洲人需要除了福克兰战争之外的其他话题。大家都挺郁闷的。那就...对啊，咱们发明个新面包吧。

of Europe needed something else to talk about apart from the Falklands War. Everyone's a bit bummed out. Let's Yeah. Let's invent a new bread.

我印象中——我觉得这是真的——法棍是在拿破仑战争期间发明的，作为一种...用来藏剑的小工具。用来藏剑。

In my mind, I think this is true that baguettes were invented during the Napoleonic Wars as a way as a little To conceal swords. To conceal swords.

真的吗？

Is that right?

没错。所以你不是去和敌人厮杀，而是邀请他们共进午餐或野餐，给他们一个法棍三明治。他们会说，我从没吃过法棍，这是什么？你就说，哦，别担心。

Yes. So you go to so instead of fighting the enemy, you'd invite them around for lunch or for a picnic, and you'd give them a baguette sandwich. And they'd say, I've never had a baguette. What is it? And you'd say, oh, don't worry.

这是一种新面包，里面还夹着虾仁。然后他们就开始嚼。

It's a new kind of bread, and it's got prawns in it. And then they'd chew on it.

就...就把末端抵在你胸口那儿。就抵着

Just just rest the end of it against your chest there. Just rest

直接插进去。直接...你也...你直接把它捅进...对。这是唯一一种你能从体外直接捅进食道中段的三明治，趁他们混乱时干掉他们。不，我觉得是拿破仑发明的，因为形状和约瑟芬的腿一模一样。

goes straight in. Goes you you also you put it straight into your Yeah. It's it's it's the only sandwich that you put straight into halfway down your esophagus from the outside, and in the confusion, you kill them. No. I think it was invented by Napoleon because it was the shape the same shape as Josephine's leg.

约瑟芬对自己的腿非常在意是出了名的，她简直气疯了。就因为她那干巴巴的腿。她那干巴巴的、没有膝盖的腿。不，我想我

Josephine, who's famously very self conscious about her legs, was absolutely furious. About her crunchy legs. Her crunchy, knee less legs. No. I think I

认为它们可能是被发明出来的，因为在拿破仑战争时期便于运输某些东西。好吧。但那么，那么奇巴尔塔就是——如果这是真的，那真是个酷炫的事实。

think that they might have been they may have been invented because they're easy to transport something in the Napoleonic Wars. Okay. But then then so Chibarta was that's a cool that's a cool fact if it if it's true.

乔发来邮件。你好啊。问候你，豆子们。我必须说，你们的播客最近成了我家里的热门话题，因为我那两个七岁和十岁的小伙子。嗯。对你们不温不火的闲聊彻底着迷了。

Joe emails. Hello there. Greetings, Beans. I must say your podcast has been the talk of my household lately because my two young lads, aged seven and 10 Mhmm. Have become absolutely obsessed with your lukewarm banter.

就在上周，我们全家去了西米德兰兹野生动物园。嗯。当我们接近那个巨型蛇形滑梯时

Just last week, we took the family on a trip to West Midlands Safari Park. Mhmm. As we approached the giant snake slide

嗯。

Mhmm.

从蛇张开的血盆大口滑出来时，我最小的孩子突然说，爸爸，那肯定意味着你是从蛇的屁股爬上滑梯的。这引得我大儿子用极其夸张的消化系统术语，配上一口地道的德国口音大声解说。可想而知，周围的其他家长对他的突然爆发并不太欣赏，但我不得不承认，当我叫他小声点时，眼里闪过一丝骄傲。

Where you emerge from the serpent's gaping maw, my youngest piped up and said, dad, that must mean that you get on the slide through the snake's bum. This prompted my eldest lad to let out a gloriously camp digestive tract talk in a spot on German accent. As you can imagine, the other parents in the vicinity weren't overly impressed with his outburst, but I have to say there was a glimmer of pride in my eye as I told him to keep the noise down.

真不错。

Lovely stuff.

我真心希望你们三位对自己产生的影响感到坦然。继续加油，乔。非常认同。

I do hope the three of you are comfortable with the influence you're having. Keep up the great work, Joe. Very much so.

谢谢你，乔。真不错。

Thank you, Joe. Lovely stuff.

恭喜你有一对好儿子。

Congratulations on a fine set of sons.

真的很不错。而且，让大家知道也挺好。这是个相当不错的银行假日选择，对吧？所以，西米德兰兹野生动物园本质上是一个可以让你开车非常接近来自西米德兰兹的人们的野生动物园。

Really good. And also, good to let people know. It's it's quite a nice bank holiday option, is it? So so the the West Midlands Safari Park is essentially a safari park where you get to drive up really quite close to people from the West Midlands.

可不是吗？不过他们会把你的雨刷弄掉。真的会的。没错。

And isn't it? Will take your windscreen wipers off, though. They will. Yes.

所以请务必确保

So please make sure

在出发前把收音机天线收进车里，因为它们会把它拿走。

your radio aerial is inside the car before you start, because they'll have that.

对。别别抚摸。别别试图抚摸它们。这其实是不道德的。

Yeah. Don't don't stroke. Don't don't try and stroke them. It's actually not ethical.

还有，对了，注意轮胎花纹里可能会有粪便。是的。

And, yeah, look out for for dung in your tire treads. Yeah.

但这是一种很棒的方式，几乎能让你感受到，你知道，真正来自西米德兰兹或类似地方会是什么感觉——这对孩子们来说是件好事，不是吗？

But it's a lovely way to to almost feel like what would it actually be like, you know, to to be to be from the West Midlands or to or to quite it's not it's nice thing for children to witness, isn't it?

嗯，他们很多故事书都是以西米德兰兹为背景的。太多故事书都设定在

Well, so many of their storybooks are are set in the West Midlands. So so many of the storybooks are set

西米德兰兹。他们知道一些事情。比如，如果你被来自西米德兰兹的人攻击，他们知道你应该

in the West Midlands. They know certain things. For example, if you get attacked by someone from the West Midlands, they know that you

沿着对角线往树上跑。对吧？但要保持完全静止。

should run diagonally up a tree. Shouldn't you? But perfectly still.

但在保持完全静止的同时。但对孩子们来说，这确实能激发他们的想象力，不是吗？这就是为什么你能看到这么多孩子有贴纸书或贴纸，比如，

But while remaining perfectly still. But but kids, it really feeds their imagination, doesn't it? And that's why you can see so many kids have sticker books or stickers of, you know,

拟人化的西米德兰兹人。没错。

Anthropomorphized West Midlands people. Exactly.

所以想象一个来自西米德兰兹的人，然后将其拟人化，这样

So imagine like a man from the West Midlands, and then anthropomorphized it so that

所以他有一张脸。他能说话。

So he's got a face. He can speak.

有点像你的脸。会有一张脸，但在他的头的另一侧或他实际脸的左侧，你知道会有一个更卡通化的版本的脸，有时在躯干的中间。但是，当然，还有另一个重要的信息。实际上，保护像西米德兰兹这样的地方很重要，不是吗？而且，实际上，人们会说，现在还有度假旅游可以让你去猎捕西米德兰兹的人，这是不对的吗？

Sort of your face. There'll be a face, But but on on the other side of his head or just to the left of his actual face, do you know there'll be a sort of cartoony a more cartoony version of the face, or sometimes in the middle of the torso. But, of course, it is important there's another message. It's actually important that we do protect places like the West Midlands, isn't it? And and, actually, people say, is it wrong that there are also holiday tours now where you can go and and hunt people from the West West Midlands?

所以我对这件事的态度是，好吧，当你看到某种，你知道，某种富有的美国人，他有一张西米德兰兹的莱曼经理的皮毛时，有点让人反感。

And so my attitude to this is, okay, it's a bit distasteful when you see some sort of, you know, some some sort of rich American guy who's got a like, the the pelt of a of a West Midlands, Ryman's manager, for example.

这是一种奖杯狩猎。有时他们会展示獠牙。而肉却被浪费了。

This is a trophy hunt to this. Sometimes they'll display the tusks. And the meat's gone to waste.

那是悲剧。是的。但我个人的观点是，如果这是合法进行的，你实际上可以利用这个行业来帮助保护真正来自西米德兰兹的人。

That was the tragedy. Yeah. But I my personal view is if it's done legally, it you can actually use that industry to help protect people who are actually from the West Midlands.

而且内脏可以用来煮成非常有营养的汤。

And the offal can be used to boil down to into a very nutritious soup as well.

可以。而且，你还可以在此基础上发展。

It can. And, also, you can build on it.

正如乔所知，我们会在离开Safari综合区的路上看到礼品店区域。没错。

As as Joe know that we'll have seen from the the gift shop section on the way out of the Safari complex. Exactly.

它比动物构造的更耐嚼、更有纤维感，但实际上蛋白质含量是两倍。

It's much chewier and much stringier than than animal built on, but twice the protein, actually.

向西米德兰兹的所有听众致歉。

Sorry to all of our listeners in the West Midlands.

是啊。阿波罗斯的。

Yeah. Appolls.

然后亨利已经淘汰了德比。所以我们基本上覆盖了整个中部地区，算是

And then Henry's already struck out Derby. So we've basically got the whole of The Midlands now kind of

德比属于西米德兰兹吗？

Is Derby in the West Midlands?

东米德兰兹。我认为德比是。

East Midlands. I say Derby is.

哦，好吧。是的。

Oh, okay. Yeah.

是的。所以你算是两头都兼顾了。这是卡罗琳发来的。

Yeah. So you're kind of covering both bases there. Yeah. This is from Caroline.

你好，卡罗琳。嗨，卡罗琳。

Hello, Caroline. Hi, Caroline.

亲爱的beams，我最近在伴侣推荐后开始收听你们的播客，非常喜欢，但自从关注你们的Instagram后有件事一直让我困扰。我之前看过你们三人的合照，先说声抱歉，本和亨利，我之前真的只认得迈克是谁。

Dear beams, I recently started listening to your podcast after my partner recommended it, and I love it, but something has bugged me since following your Instagram. I had seen a picture of the three of you prior, and apologies to Ben and Henry, I only really knew who Mike was.

嗯哼。好吧。这条我们就不...这条不行。这条不会放进节目里。

Mhmm. Right. This one we're not fuck this. We're not following this one's yeah. This one's not going in the show.

我们跳过这条吧。

Let's move on.

因为他在《任务大师》节目上得了痔疮。

Because he got a hemorrhoid on Taskmaster.

又提这事。

It's back in.

然后我居然傻乎乎地以为本是秃头，而亨利有头发。

I then assumed, silly for me really, that Ben was bald and that Henry had hair.

是啊。这我信。我浑身散发着有头发的气场。真的，你闭上眼睛听我说——我拥有最惊艳的秀发。

Yeah. I can believe that. I've got hair energy. I've I've got actually, of you close your eyes, listen to me. I've got some of the most fabulous hair.

是啊。但长错地方了。

Yeah. But it's in the wrong place.

但长错地方了。全长在我眼睛下面。而且完美地在我脑袋中间围成一圈和尚头。

But it's in the wrong place. It's all just under my eyes. And and it's a perfect monk's tom shirt all the way around the middle of my head.

你的鼻子还随意地从中间探出来。没错。

With your nose casually poking through. That's right.

没错。完全正确。这并不是因为

Yeah. Exactly. This was not because of

头韵（秃头本），而是因为光头形象让我觉得你适合在办公室工作，而本是个典型的办公室名字。哦，至于亨利这个名字，则适合一个牛津毕业、留着蓬松头发的艺术家。

the alliteration, bald Ben, but because the bald man look struck me as if you could work in an office, and Ben was an office name. Oh. And then the name Henry suited an ex Oxford student, a floppy haired artist.

我以为她会说混蛋，真的。我差点押注在混蛋上。虽然没有明说，但暗示了对吧？是的。

I thought she was gonna go asshole, you know. I was gonna put money on asshole. It wasn't implied. It was implied, wasn't it? Yeah.

这其实是同一回事。肯定是被输入过

It's kind of the same thing. It's definitely been typed

然后删掉一些，再重新写出来的。

and then deleted a bit and then rewritten.

这两个词的词源相同。它它...是的。这是同一个想法。

The etymology of the words are the same. It it it's yeah. It's the same thought.

看了你的Instagram快拍后才发现并非如此，现在我每天都会想起你们俩。我通常能看透一个人，但现在却感到迷茫，甚至不确定是否真正了解任何人。真有意思。卡罗琳，听到这个我很难过。但说实话，我不太确定该怎么帮你。

When I learned this wasn't the case after watching one of your Insta Reels, I've thought about you both every day. I can usually get a grasp on what a person is like, but I now feel lost and unsure if I know anyone truly at all. That's interesting. Caroline, I'm sorry to hear that. I'm not quite sure how to help really with that.

我并...不太喜欢自己被形容成办公室呆子的气质。不。这里有艺术家亨利，电视喜剧演员迈克，然后还有办公室蠢货本。

I don't I'm not that pleased with the idea that I'm vibe is like office drone. No. There's an office There's Henry the artist. There's Mike the television comedian. Then there's Ben, the office dullard.

他好像承担了大部分工作。

He seems to do most of the work.

但为什么本的肤色是那样的？是不是因为...我们觉得是因为他长期待在复印机旁，身体开始和机器同化了？你看，他是复印机那种惨白色对吧？是的。他已经变成复印机白了。

But why is why is Ben's skin that color? Is it because we we think it's because he's been around the photocopier for so long that his body has started to blend in. See, because he's he's photocopier white, isn't he? Yes. He's he's become photocopier white.

他身体的某些部位是米色牛皮纸色的。

And some parts of his body are manila buff.

没错。别别慌。如果你在他之后进厕所，他的尿液是品红色的。是的。但但别惊慌。

That's right. And don't don't panic. If you go into the toilet after him, he has magenta piss. Yeah. But but don't panic.

拜托拜托拜托别按

Please please please don't press

你的臀部贴在他身上并试图找按钮，拜托。他

your buttocks on him and try and find the button, please. He

他可以把臀部印痕发送给全球其他办公室的本们。相当尴尬。是的。有趣。我我前几天看到一篇文章。

he can send imprint imprints of buttocks to other Ben's in other offices around the world. Quite embarrassing. Yeah. Interesting. I I saw an article the other day.

你知道，时不时就会有篇文章跳出来说，找到了治疗秃头的方法。A，这不是病。B，但有没有

You know, every every now and then, an article pops up going, cure for baldness found. A, it's not a disease. B, but is there

治疗方法，拜托？因为我感兴趣。

a cure, please? Because I am interested.

但这并非疾病，不过尽管不是病我还是想被治愈。能治好吗，拜托？时不时报纸上就有这种文章。所以当我十几岁刚开始秃头时，我我我会扑向任何关于‘发现秃头疗法’或‘新毛发移植技术’之类的新闻。但后来我渐渐对这些失去了兴趣，意识到它们从来都不是真的。

But it's not a disease, but I would like to be cured even though it's not a disease. Can you cure it, please? Every so often, there's an article in the newspaper. And so when I was initially going bald in my in my early teens, I I I would I would I would pounce on any news about cure for baldness found or whatever, or or new new hair replacement technique discovered or whatever. But I I gradually sort of sort of started to lose interest in them, realized they were they were never really true.

而且这类新闻也越来越少。这有点像丧亲之痛，不是吗？是某种形式的丧失，对吧？是的。这是...是的。

And also, they happen less and less. It's sort bereavement, isn't it, really? It's a form of bereavement, isn't it? Yeah. It's a it's yeah.

但也因为实际上，这某种程度上让你...因为我以为自己已经到了接受丧失的阶段，直到我突然想到：如果在鸡蛋上画张脸，其实还挺有魅力的。然后我我我意识到...你懂我意思吗？总之不。我以为我已经到达...我以为我已经接受了。是的。

But also, because actually, it kinda takes you because I've reached the accept I thought I'd reached the acceptance stage of of bereavement, in fact, when it occurred to me that actually, if you draw a face on an egg, it is quite attractive. And I and I I I realized that do you know I mean? Anyway, no. I I thought I'd reached I thought I'd reached acceptance. Yeah.

但后来我看到，就在几周前，我想是在BBC新闻网站上，有一篇关于治疗秃顶的报道。违背自己的理智，我还是点进去看了，心想也许...毕竟我已经很久没关注这类消息了，得有十年了吧。现在可是AI时代了。

But then I saw but then, like, a few weeks ago, I saw I think I think it was BBC News website, wherever there was a thing about cure for baldness. I against my better nature, I I went I I thought, oh, may maybe. It's been quite a long time since I've looked at one of these things. It's been ten years. There's AI.

这期间AI技术已经突飞猛进。

AI has happened in the meantime.

电子烟。

Vapes.

电子烟。虚拟乐队街头霸王（Gorillaz）就非常成功。你看，时代在进步，未来已来。

Vapes. The the band Gorillaz, an entirely animated band, were quite successful. You know, things have moved on. The future is now.

没关系，未来已来。我读了那篇文章，然后

It's okay. The future is now. And I read it, and

结果发现这类文章全是狗屁。又是老一套说辞：取得重大突破啦，某机构的科学家表示很兴奋啦。但说到底——抱歉我要爆粗了——你们这些秃头混蛋听着，这事儿基本没戏。

it was and it was like, these articles are such bullshit. It it was just the usual thing of there's there's been some breakthroughs. This scientist at this institution is saying they're excited about something. And then it's just like, but at the end of the day, sorry, you fucking snookable headed pricks. It's it's basically not happening.

最后结尾还是那套陈词滥调，说什么'或许有一天能实现'之类的。我就不该点开这篇文章。估计几年内我都不会再看了。不过现在做植发的人确实越来越多。

And and and that was and and all all the usual thing at the end was just like, you know, oh, one day maybe sort of thing. I shouldn't have gone down I shouldn't have gone down the road of of reading the article. No. I think it'll be a few years till I do it do so again. But you do get more and more people who have hair replacement therapy.

植发现在没那么见不得人了是吧？你觉得我是不是该考虑这个？你话里是不是这个意思？不过会不会太晚了？我现在要是摆脱秃头...等等，你第一眼看到我时，是不是就想到'秃头亨利'？

It's become less of a kind of social to do, hasn't it? Do think maybe I should actually think about it? What do you think is what you're saying? Is it too late, though? Am I I if I stopped being bald head so what what when you first think of me, do think bald Henry?

听着卡罗琳，我不确定我们能帮上什么忙，但至少可以安慰你这件事引发的感受。你能听出来亨利对这个话题反应激烈得多。

Or look. Caroline, I don't I'm not sure exactly how we can help you necessarily, but take some comfort how it triggered your feeling. You can hear that Henry is substantially more triggers by the whole conversation.

是啊，这事儿让我情绪波动很大。所以没错，我大概要当一辈子秃头佬了。

Yeah. It's so it's throwing up a lot of stuff for me, this. So yeah. I'd say, yeah. Old meathead forever.

谢谢，对。干杯。你是这个意思吗？

Thank right. Yeah. Cheers. Is that what you're saying?

真的搅乱了局面，是吧？

Really stirred the stew, didn't you?

真的搅乱了局面。

Really stirred the stew.

我是个波西米亚人。对吧？小皮马甲。

I'm a bohemian. Yeah? Little leather waistcoat.

对。苏格兰裙。我负责组织年度办公室问答比赛。我是个自由思想者。

Yeah. Kilt. I organize the annual office quiz. I'm a free thinker.

而且总有一轮调皮的问题。对。在便装星期五，我如鱼得水。现在收到亚当和汉娜的邮件。

And there's always a cheeky round. Yeah. On Dressed Down Fridays, I bloom. An email now from Adam and Hannah.

你好，亚当和汉娜。

Hello, Adam and Hannah.

我和妻子刚听完最新一期节目的一半，我们特意在从诺福克到伦敦的两小时旅程接近尾声时听的。计划今晚返程时听完下半部分。一如既往地精彩。尤其是关于所有事情都提前十二小时完成的内容特别有趣。不幸的是，我们做得太极端了。

My wife and I are around halfway into the latest beans, which we strategically listened to towards the end of our two hour journey from Norfolk to London. We plan to listen to the second half on our return leg later this evening. As ever, it was top stuff. We found the contents around doing everything twelve hours early particularly funny. Unfortunately, we have taken this to an extreme.

我们刚在国王十字车站旁边的Franco Mankin吃了美味的披萨，那里是三豆沙拉现场演出的场地。妻子让我确认出发前检查了门票，我确实安全地保存在邮箱里并打开了。提前十二小时算什么，我们是整整提前了一周。天啊。

We've just had a delicious pizza at the Franco Mankin next to King's Place, the venue for the three bean salad live. My wife asked me to confirm I checked the tickets before setting off, which I had safely in my email inbox and opened. Twelve hours early is amateur. We are a full week early for No. God.

不。哦，天啊。

No. Oh, god.

唉，我们今晚的 childcare 下周没法来了，所以我得卖票。附上一张我妻子困惑的照片。说到演出，诺福克这地方出了名的难去难回，任何时候都这样。我的导航甚至根本不相信有个叫诺福克的地方。

Alas, our childcare for tonight is not available for next weekend, so I'll be selling tickets. Attached is a picture of my confused wife. And of all the play, Norfolk is notoriously impossible to get to or from at any time in My any sat nav literally doesn't believe that there is a place called Norfolk.

导航直接就慌了。我放弃去诺福克的次数多到数不清，而且通常还在M25环线内就放弃了。就是...就是去不成，太难了。哦天哪。

Like, it just panics. The amount of times I've given up on a journey to to Norfolk, and I'm still well within the m 25 when I give up, it's just it's it's not going it's not going to happen. It's too hard. Oh, dear. Yeah.

这地方在...哦天，哦天。

It's it's in oh, dear. Oh, dear.

我刚给你发了汉娜坐在场馆外张望的照片

So I've just sent you the photo of of Hannah sitting outside the venue looking

哦汉娜，她倒是挺淡定的。看起来接受度不错。

Oh, Hannah. She's taking it well. Looks like she's taking it well.

我是说，他们去了Franco Mankin。专程去Franco Mankin是有点夸张，但也不算太糟对吧？

I mean, they they went to Franco Mankin. It's lot to go for Franco Mankin, but it's not bad, you know?

是啊，不过水准确实下滑了。

Yeah. I mean, it's it's gone downhill. Sure.

她看起来...嗯，挺平静的。

She seems yeah. She seems sanguine. That's was

要我说，那些披萨透着股凑合的感觉。Franko Manker这人大概在零零年代末那会儿疯狂迷恋酸面团披萨底，后来这份热情就逐渐消退了。

yeah. There's a loveless quality, I'd say, that to to the pizzas. I I think Franko Manker is someone that fell deep deep head over heels in love with sourdough pizza bases in the sort of late naughties, whenever it was. Yeah. And he's gradually fallen out of love with them since.

现在Franco Mankin和酸面团简直相看两厌，懂我意思吧？

And I'd say Franco Mankin and sourdough can barely look at each look at each other right now. Do know what I mean?

我懂你的意思。

I know what you mean.

是啊。而且配料种类太少了。配料几乎几乎覆盖不了饼底的宽度

Yeah. And the paucity of topping breadth. The topping barely barely covers the the breadth

的覆盖范围。但他们本来就不会

of the base. But they wouldn't have

在意这个。汉纳姆和亚当。汉纳姆和亚当。我觉得这是同一个

been worried about that. Hannam and Adam. Hannam and Adam. I think it's the same

回文结构。

which it's palindromic.

正反读都一样。是汉纳姆和亚当对吧？那他们当时根本不会

It's the same same both way around. Is it Hannam and Adam and and Yep. Then they wouldn't have been

担心这个，因为他们以为自己要去看一场顶级演出？

worrying that about that at the time because they thought they were about to go and see a A top end show?

高端演出。伦敦精品场。

Premium show. Premium London.

虚假的噱头，一种体验罢了。

A false mean, an experience.

一场秀。

A show.

是的，我们的现场演出即将在本周举行，我想是周五和周六晚上。门票已经售罄。但如果你想观看直播，可以购买直播票。我会在本期节目说明中放上直播票的链接，欢迎在周五晚上7点和周六晚上7点加入我们。没错。

So, yes, our live show is coming up this week I think Friday and Saturday nights. We've sold the tickets to be there. But if you want to watch a livestream, you can buy tickets for that. And I'll put a link to the livestream tickets in the show notes for this, and join us on I think it's Friday night at 07:00 and Saturday night at 07:00. Yep.

是的。还有牛肉和乳制品展。本，你也在直播那个牛肉和乳制品展对吧？是的。就是这样。

It is. And there's beef and dairy show as well. You're streaming that, Ben, the beef and dairy? Yes. There you go.

那个活动门票也卖光了，但你可以看直播。

That is also sold out, but you could stream that.

看直播吧。

Stream that.

那是在什么时候？周六下午两点？周六下午两点。

So on what's that? Saturday afternoon? Two? Saturday afternoon at 02:00.

不错。对了，我还有个额外的事情要聊聊。

Nice. By the way, I've I've got a bonus thing to to talk about.

好啊，好啊。

Yeah. Yeah.

就是周四要上市的亚当·凯最新儿童绘本，由我负责插画哦。书名叫《十岁小医生德克斯特·普罗克特》。

Which is on Thursday, the latest children's book by Adam Kay, illustrated by me Oh. Is out. Hooray. It's called Dexter Proctor, the 10 year old doctor.

我喜欢这书名。

I like it.

这是本虚构类儿童读物，非常棒。书里有亚当·凯写的精彩文字，配上些还算过得去的漫画。

And it's a fiction book for children of it's really good. It's got it's got fantastic words by Adam Kay and some semi decent cartoons.

来自老HP。是的。迈克，你读过吗？简直太棒了。我读过了。

From old HP. Yeah. Have you read it, Mike? It's absolutely brilliant. I have read it.

我的孩子们也读了。他们非常喜欢。我们一起读了，很享受。亚当曾调皮地寄给我们一本小样，那时他刚写完但插画师还没开始配图。

My children have read it. They absolutely loved it. We read it. We enjoyed it. Adam sent us a cheeky little copy to enjoy at a point when he had written it, but the illustrator hadn't got around to doing the pictures yet.

所以那是一本完全

So it was a completely

一本完全没有插图的版本，就放在我们家里。迈克，你会推荐这种体验方式吗？

a completely illustration free copy that we've got in the house. And would you recommend that as a way of of of experiencing it, Mike?

正是迈克这种程度的支持让我特别感动——他会读我的书，而且坚持在我的插画完成前就读。这不就是个很好的对照实验吗？这样就能看出插画到底有多好。如果你后来读到带插图的版本

And it's this it's that level of supportiveness from Mike that that that I find so touching is that he will read my books, but he insists on reading them before my illustrations have gone. Well, it's a good control experiment, isn't it? It's then to see how how how good the illustrations are. If you ever got around to reading it with the illustrations

但你不会。要是你很快在水石书店看到我翻书还吐槽税收，你就知道原因了。

that you don't. You see me leafing through a book in a water stone anytime soon and spitting tax, you'll know why.

终于看到插画了。

Finally seen the illustrations.

再问一次书名是什么，亨利？

And what's it called again, Henry?

叫《十岁小医生德克斯特·普罗克特》。

It's called Dexter Proctor, the 10 year old doctor.

太棒了。真的非常非常棒的作品。

Lovely. Really, really good stuff.

是时候付摆渡人的钱了。Patreon.com/salad。

It's time to pay the ferryman. Patreon.com/salad.

感谢所有在我们Patreon上注册的人。谢谢你们。.Com/3beansalad。

Thanks for everyone who signed up on our Patreon. Thank you. .Com/3beansalad.

非常感谢。

Thank you very much.

你可以选择不同等级的会员订阅。你将获得无广告的剧集、额外剧集。如果你订阅肖恩·宾等级，你将获得来自肖恩·宾休息室的迈克的特别致谢，迈克昨晚就在那里。确实如此。

There are various tiers you can sign up at. You get ad free episodes, bonus episodes. And if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout out from Mike from the Sean Bean lounge where Mike was last night. Indeed, I was.

哦不。那是一年一度的旅行，对吧？你们都去了

Uh-oh. It was the annual trip, wasn't it? You all went off to

看

see the

布莱克浦的豆科植物灯光秀，是不是？不，我们去了。谢谢你，亨利。这是我的报告。

Blackpool Leguminations, didn't you? No. We did. Thank you, Henry. And here's my report.

肖恩·宾休息室的成员们昨天正午聚集在肖恩·宾长途汽车站，前往布莱克浦参加备受期待的一年一度的豆科植物灯光秀。这是兰开夏郡最受欢迎的豆类主题灯光秀。长途汽车上最抢手的后排座位通常由肖恩·宾本人占据。但作为一位途经兰开夏郡的约克郡人，肖恩·宾坚持要部分重现玫瑰战争，并在前往灯光秀的途中洗劫兰开斯特。他骑着一匹由乔治·安德鲁在前和非·泰勒在后组成的战马，由一群白玫瑰骑士护卫，包括布拉迪·博伊和理查德·布莱克利·凯西手持剑和钉头锤，索尼娅·菲尔德和汉娜·霍斯特手持二十四英尺的长矛，以及杰米·史密斯，他只找到了一把漏勺。

Shaun Bean Loungers gathered in the Shaun Bean coach depot at high noon yesterday to be conveyed to Blackpool for the hotly anticipated annual Leguminations. The number one Lendland P based light show in Lancashire. The highly desirable back row of the coach would ordinarily be occupied by Sean Bean himself. But as a Yorkshireman passing through Lancashire, Sean Bean insisted on recreating in part the Wars of the Roses and sacking Lancaster en route to the show. He rode astride a steed comprised of George Andrew at the front and Non Taylor at the rear, and was accompanied by a retinue of white rose bedex knights including Braddy Boy and Richard Blakely Casey carrying sword and mace, Sonya Field and Hannah Holst with twenty four foot lances, and Jamie Smith who only managed to rustle up a slotted spoon.

为了明确等级制度，这些骑士骑着由托马斯·阿赫恩、吉布诺斯·雷德纳、博尔特、凯尔·简·雷和亚历克斯·贝利提供的驴子，其中最后一头驴患上了驴结核病，不得不被处理掉。步行跟随的是一群非战斗支援人员，包括迈克和阿利尼，负责磨箭；克里斯蒂安·哈丁和大卫·哈弗伯格，负责急救和战利品管理；托马斯·海恩斯和拉米什·瓦尔萨尼，负责战鼓、旗帜和商品；以及鸽子G.L.，作为侍从，负责帮助不愿脱下盔甲的骑士刷卡。这当然让长途汽车的后排座位空了出来，经过短暂的过道争夺战，那些珍贵的座位被乔纳森·查弗、罗布·斯梅德利、特里希公主、达米安·塔瓦诺和鲁珀特占据。

To keep the hierarchy clear, these knights rode on donkey back with donkeys provided by Thomas Ahern, Gibnos Redna, Bort, Kyle Jane Ray, and Alex Bailey, the last of which developed asinine TB and had to be destroyed. Following on foot was a host of noncombat support personnel, including Mike and Alini, arrow sharpeners, Christian Harding and David Haverberg, first aid and pillage admin, Thomas Haynes and Ramish Varsani, war drums, flags, and merchandise, and Pigeon G. L. As squire charged with facilitating the r swiping of knights who did not wish to remove their armor. This, of course, left the back row of the coach free, and after a brief but intense scrap in the aisle, those prized seats were claimed by Jonathan Chaffer, Rob Smedley, Princess Trishy, Damien Tavanaugh, and Rupert.

旅程本身基本平安无事，除了罗斯·斯坦利因为汤米·福克斯承诺要坐在他旁边，结果却坐在了里基·欧文旁边而哭泣，因为里基借用了哥哥的游戏机。乔克·弗雷泽发现他的午餐包里有萨拉米三明治，这是他特别要求不要的，而马特·布雷则在服务区的游戏厅被不小心落下了。在布莱克浦，爱丽丝·哈德曼、基兰·班尼特和加比·奥克斯都被鹰嘴豆激光秀迷住了，视力得到了矫正。丹·奈特和史蒂夫·特里吉乔被大豆频闪灯震撼，而布莱恩·埃布登则被一颗被聚光灯照亮的落花生感动得流泪。然而，此时警报声响起，当地人注意到一场完全不同的灯光秀正在进行。

The journey itself passed largely without incident, except that Ross Stanley became weepy as Tommy Fox had promised to sit next to him before actually sitting next to Ricky Irving after discovering Ricky had the use of his older brother's Game Boy. Jock Fraser discovered his packed lunch contained salami sandwiches, which he had specifically asked not to have, and Matt Bray was accidentally left behind in the arcade at services. In Blackpool itself, Alice Hardman, Kieran Bennett, and Gabby Oaks were all entranced and had their vision corrected by the chickpea laser show. Dan Knight and Steve Tregidjo were awestruck by the soybean strobe, while Brian Ebden was moved to tears by a brilliantly spotlit peanut. Cries of alarm went up at this stage, however, when locals noted that an altogether different light show was afoot.

城外山顶的烽火台已被点燃，这是五百多年来首次预警敌军逼近。当然，正是你我熟知的老友肖恩·宾，他的民兵部队在遭受重创后，试图通过释放并招募布莱克浦动物园的大型肉食动物来扩充兵力。肖恩·罗奇、阿里亚尼和开放女巫团遭到一群伊比利亚狼的袭击。菲利普·哈顿、克里斯·福特和七皮克七被一群执行阿特金斯饮食法的狒狒撕碎，而亚历克斯·考尔德和埃斯米·霍克斯则直面一只600磅重的雌虎。露西·米切尔和特里西娅被一只美洲猪鼻臭鼬掳走，彼得·埃利奥特则被一条奥里诺科鳄鱼带到布莱克浦冬园，被迫朗读所有宣传文案。

Hilltop beacons outside the city had been lit, suggesting the approach of enemy forces for the first time in more than five hundred years. It was, of course, your friend and mine, Sean Bean, whose militia, having taken heavy casualties, had attempted to strengthen their number by setting free and trying to recruit the larger carnivores from Blackpool Zoo. Sean Roach, Ariani, and Open Coven were set upon by a pack of Iberian wolves. Philip Hatton, Chris Ford, and Seven Pilke Seven were torn apart by a troop of baboons on the Atkins diet, while Alex Calder and Esme Hawkes found themselves toe to toe with a 600 pound tigress. Lucy Mitchell and Tricia w were carried away by an American hognosed skunk, and Peter Elliott was taken to Blackpool Winter Gardens by an Orinoco crocodile and forced to read all the blurbs.

万幸的是，没有一处泻湖受到损害。谢谢大家。好了，让我们以听众约翰寄来的主题曲改编版作为结束。

Mercifully, not a single lagoon was harmed. Thanks all. Okay. Let's finish off with a version of our theme tune sent in by one of you. This is from John.

你好，约翰。谢谢。

Hello, John. Thanks,

约翰写道：在聆听你们的主题曲时，我发现旋律线本质上就是新奥尔良各类歌曲中常用的标准贝斯线或钢琴左手伴奏。所以我以此为灵感创作了一个版本，加入了些当代即兴弹跳节奏——弹跳乐正是新奥尔良版的嘻哈。

John. John says, in listening to your theme tune, I realized that the melody line was basically one of the standard bass lines or the left hand piano lines used in various New Orleans songs. So I've created a version playing on that vibe with some contemporary bounce ad libs. Mhmm. Bounce being the New Orleans version of hip hop.

哇，真不错。

Wow. Nice.

那就让我们听听效果如何吧。总之，下次节目再见。再见。再会。

So let's see what that's like. Anyway, until next time. Goodbye. Cheerio.

谢谢。再见。

Thank you. Bye.