Ann Grady: Resilience and Advocacy : From the Page to Real Life with Stories that Heal.

欢迎来到《为什么不能是我？》

Welcome to Why Not Me?

全球拥抱自闭症与心理健康。

Embracing Autism and Mental Health Worldwide.

主持人：托尼·曼托尔。

Hosted by Tony Mantor.

从美国音乐之都——田纳西州纳什维尔，为您现场直播。

Broadcasting from the heart of Music City, USA, Nashville, Tennessee.

听听我们的嘉宾分享那些真实而有力的故事。

Join us as our guests share their raw, powerful stories.

有的会让你开怀大笑，有的则会让你泪流满面。

Some will spark laughter, others will move you to tears.

这些真实的人生经历，能激励你、连接你，让你知道你从不孤单。

These real life journeys inspire, connect, and remind you that you're never alone.

我们正在发起一场全球运动，推动每个人通过深化认知、坚定接纳和深刻理解自闭症与心理健康，真正做出持久的改变。

We're igniting a global movement to empower everyone to make a lasting difference by fostering deep awareness, unwavering acceptance, and profound understanding of autism and mental health.

记得收听，从中获得力量，和我们一起，用一个个真实的故事改变世界。

Tune in, be inspired, and join us in transforming the world one story at a time.

嗨，我是托尼·曼托尔。

Hi, I'm Tony Mantor.

欢迎来到《为什么不能是我？》

Welcome to Why Not Me?

拥抱全球的自闭症与心理健康。

Embracing autism and mental health worldwide.

今天加入我们的是安·格雷迪。

Joining us today is Anne Grady.

她的工作正好处在同理心、亲身经历与实际影响的交汇点上。

She is someone whose work sits right at the intersection of empathy, lived experience, and real world impact.

她是一位作家、演讲者和倡导者，用真诚、 compassion 和真实经历，为自闭症和心理健康发声。

She is an author, speaker, and advocate shining a light on autism and mental health, not honesty, compassion, and lived truth.

通过她的书籍和倡导，她挑战了对神经多样性与精神疾病的污名，也为那些常被误解或沉默的家庭、照护者和个体带去了声音。

Through her books and advocacy, she challenges the stigma around neurodiversity and mental illness, while giving voices to families, caregivers, and individuals who are too often misunderstood or unheard.

她的工作不只是在教育，更是在让人看见真实的人。

Her work doesn't just educate, it humanizes.

今天的对话讲的是韧性、理解，以及真正有尊严、有同理心地支持心理健康和自闭症意味着什么。

This conversation is about resilience, understanding, and what it really means to support mental health and autism with dignity and empathy.

她有个特别动人的故事，所以在正式开始前，先插播一段赞助商的广告，回来后我们全程无广告，继续分享。

She has a great story, so before we dive into our episode, we'll be back with an uninterrupted show right after a word from our sponsors.

谢谢你来参加。

Thanks for coming on.

是的，我很荣幸。

Yeah, my pleasure.

谢谢你邀请我。

Thank you for having me.

这本新书让我有机会分享埃文的故事，还有我其他的经历，希望这些能引起你们听众的共鸣。

This new book has given me an opportunity to share Evan's story and some of my other stories in a way that I hope resonates with your audience.

希望它能帮到某个正在挣扎的人。

I hope will help somebody out there.

是的，我觉得这太棒了，我相信听众一定会很喜欢。

Yeah, I think that's great and I'm sure they're gonna love it.

你能给我们讲讲你儿子的背景吗？

If you would, give us a little backstory on your son.

我怀孕的时候就觉得不对劲。

So I knew something was wrong when I was pregnant.

我医生还开玩笑说，Evan以后肯定是个足球健将。

My doctor joked that Evan would be a soccer player.

他出生的时候，分娩特别艰难。

And when he was born, it was a very hard birth.

经历了好几个月的早产阵痛后，最后不得不紧急剖腹。

It was an emergency C section after months of preterm labor.

他一出生，护士进来说：亲爱的，我得跟你说实话。

When he was born, the nurse came into the room and she was like, Honey, I have to be honest.

我干这行三十多年了，从没见过这么爱发脾气的婴儿，简直不可思议。

I've been doing this for over thirty years and I have never met a baby this angry, it's insane.

我当时就想，哎哟，这真是新手妈妈想听的话吗？

And I'm like, oh great, that's the thing a first time mom wants to hear, right?

所以埃文出生时就有问题，可没人相信我。

So Evan was born something not right and nobody believed me.

他十一个月大时，我就开始带他做早期干预治疗。

I started him in early childhood intervention therapy when he was 11 old.

他十八个月大时，他爸就离开了。

His father left when he was 18 old.

于是我成了单亲妈妈，一边给大公司做咨询，一边上台做励志演讲。

So I found myself as a single mom and I'm consulting with all of these big companies and I'm getting on stage and doing motivational talks.

可回到家，我整个人都快垮了。

At home, I was just crumbling.

我压力大到不行。

I was overwhelmed.

我累得不行。

I was exhausted.

埃文三岁那年，第一次想杀我。

And when Evan was three, he tried to kill me for the first time.

到他四岁的时候，就开始用第一种抗精神病药了。

By the time he was four, he was on his first antipsychotic.

七岁那年，他住进了第一家儿童精神科医院。

And then when he was seven, he was in his first pediatric psych hospital.

所以我的职业生涯，硕士学的是沟通与组织发展。

And so I've spent my career, my master's was in communication and organizational development.

我本来就在培训和演讲，帮企业领导做咨询，但这段经历彻底让我从被动应对，转向了培养韧性，专注打造内在力量。

I was already training and speaking and working with leaders, but this really shifted my work from a place of reaction to a place of resilience and really focusing on building that strength.

后来不知什么时候，我唾液腺长了肿瘤，大概是2014年左右，结果脸瘫了，还伴生一堆别的问题。

And then at some point I ended up with a tumor in my salivary gland, like it was twenty fourteen ish, I ended up with facial paralysis and a whole bunch of other things.

接着我又做了双节脊柱融合手术。

And then I had double fusion back surgery.

与此同时，埃文来回进出医院和治疗中心。

And meanwhile, Evan's in and out of hospitals and treatment centers.

我意识到，韧性固然很好，但那只是活着，不是成长。

I realized that resilience is wonderful, but it's survival, it's not growth.

所以我写了这本新书《可塑性：当生活偏离轨道时如何向前走》，因为我觉得，对我们大多数人来说，生活至少偏离过好几次轨道。

And so that led me to write my new book, Evolvability, Growing Forward When Life Goes Sideways, because I think for most of us, life has gone sideways on more than one occasion.

这其实只是一套应对的本事。

And it's just a skill set to navigate it.

他被诊断出自闭症、严重精神疾病，还是两者都有？

Was he diagnosed with autism, serious mental illness, or was it both?

都有。

Both.

给他做诊断特别难，因为他合并症太多了。

It was so hard to get a diagnosis for him because he has so many comorbidities.

他有注意力缺陷多动障碍、自闭症、严重精神疾病，还有对立违抗障碍。

So ADHD, autism, severe mental illness, oppositional defiant disorder.

他是高功能自闭症，但也有发育迟缓。

He's high functioning autism, but he has developmental delays.

所以从年龄上来说，他其实有三个不同的年龄阶段。

So probably age wise, he's got three different ages.

一个是实际年龄，22岁。

He's got his chronological age, which is 22.

还有他的社交情感年龄，以及学业年龄。

He's got his socio emotional age and he's got his academic age.

过去这二十二年，一路走来，就是不断接纳、成长、承受不适，努力把这段经历转化成别人能用上的深刻教训，希望他们不必重走一遍这种创伤之路。

And so it's just been a lifelong, or the last twenty two years, it's been a journey of acceptance and growth and discomfort and trying to find a way to turn that into a meaningful lesson that people can apply without hopefully having to go through all of that trauma.

说实话，确实存在偏见。

Unfortunately, there is a stigma.

我不太喜欢用‘偏见’这个词。

I don't like to use that word.

我更愿意说，人们对自闭症和严重精神疾病有一种固有的看法。

I use perception about autism and serious mental illness.

你怎么让别人分清，神经多样性在哪里结束，心理健康问题又从哪里开始？

How do you make people understand where neurodivergence ends and mental health begins?

那它们重叠的部分呢？

And of course, where they overlap?

这问题问得真好。

It's a great question.

我不是精神科医生，也不是神经科或神经精神科医生。

And I'm not a psychiatrist or a neurologist or a neuropsychiatrist.

但以埃文为例，真的很难把它们区分开，因为那些行为全都搅在一起了。

But I can tell you with Evan, it was so hard to differentiate and pick those apart because the behaviors were also intertwined.

根本分不清。

So it was virtually impossible.

所以他四岁的时候第一次被诊断为自闭症，但后来医生又说：不对，不是自闭症。

That's why he got his first autism diagnosis at four, but then they thought, Nope, it's not autism.

就是心理问题。

It's just mental illness.

再后来才发现：不对，也不只是心理问题。

And then they realized, Nope, it's not just mental illness.

这是发育迟缓。

It's developmental delays.

到了17岁，他们才终于承认：没错，这确实是自闭症。

And then at 17, they're like, Nope, it's absolutely autism.

所以我觉得，关键不在于贴什么标签。

And so I think the challenge is it doesn't matter what the label is.

重要的是你怎么去应对、怎么去帮助他。

What matters is how you treat it and respond to it.

这真的让人很难过，就像你说的，德克萨斯州的 Mental Health 福利是全美最差的。

And it's so sad because, you know, to your point, Texas has the least mental health benefits of any state in the country.

以前这儿还开玩笑说：谢天谢地还有密西西比，现在我们倒数第一了。

The slogan here used to be, thank God for Mississippi, but now we are dead last.

想想真让人心碎。

So it's just heartbreaking.

埃文现在住在两千英里外的爱达荷州，因为只有那里才能提供他需要的康复服务，德克萨斯根本给不了。

Evan lives 2,000 miles away from me in Idaho because he can get the services he needs there, and he cannot get them in Texas.

所以啊，确实挺不容易的。

So, yeah, it's it's a lot.

我们一直心里有个设想，觉得生活该是什么样，孩子的人生又该是什么样。

We always had this idea in our minds of what we thought life could be and, of course, what it could be for our kids.

有没有哪个瞬间，让你不得不放下以前那些固有的想法？

What were the moments that you were forced to unlearn the thoughts you had learned?

你得重新看待一切，跟从小被灌输的、被教养的方式完全不一样。

Then you had to look at things completely different than what you was taught and how you was brought up and raised.

我参加过一个互助小组。

I was in a support group.

所以我把收入的一部分捐给了全美心理疾病联盟，还参加了他们的课程和互助小组，就是NAMI。

So I I donate a portion of all my proceeds to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, and I've been part of their classes and support groups, NAMI.

里面一位妈妈给我看了首诗，讲的是去荷兰的事。

And one of the moms in there showed me a poem about going to Holland.

有个人本来计划好了整个旅行，精心安排了度假，结果却到了别的地方。

And this person had planned this entire trip, and they planned this whole vacation, and they ended up somewhere other than Holland.

他们说，这并不意味着这是一次糟糕的旅行。

And they're like, it doesn't mean it's a bad vacation.

也不是说那里不好，只是跟你想的不一样罢了。

It doesn't mean it's a bad place to go, but it's just different than what you expected.

对我来说，接纳这个过程从来都不是一成不变的。

And so for me, this journey of acceptance has not been, it's not a steady state.

它总是在某些瞬间发生的，对吧？

It happens in moments, right?

圣诞节期间埃文来过，那几天我有几次又退回到了不接受的状态。

Evan was here over the Christmas holiday and we had some moments where I slipped back into like non acceptance.

我觉得，没人能真正抵达那里，然后永远住下。

And so I think, I don't think anybody gets there and lives there permanently.

这更像是个营地，我们总会不自觉地绕回去。

I think it's a campsite we keep circling back to.

关键是要把精力重新聚焦在你能掌控的事情上。

And the key is to go back to focusing your energy on what you can control.

埃文的一位医生曾经跟我说过一句话，让我一直记到现在。

And one of Evan's doctors said something to me once that really stuck with me.

他说，你需要学会修习禅意。

He said, you need to practice the art of Zen.

我就问：那这到底是什么意思？

And I said, great, how do you define that?

他说，就是你已经尽了全力，就别再执着于结果了。

And he said, it's knowing that you've done everything you can and releasing yourself from the outcome.

作为父母，这真的很难做到，因为我们总想保护孩子。

And as parents, that's so hard to do because you want to protect your kids.

他虽然22岁了，但心智还像七岁小孩一样，要放手真的不容易，你说是吧？

And just because he's 22, he's still like seven years old mentally and it's hard to do that, you know?

是的。

Yeah.

你刚才提到了韧性。

Now you brought up resilience.

韧性这东西，有时候被人误解了。

Resilience is sometimes misunderstood.

当然，每个人对它的理解都不一样。

Of course, some people have their definition.

那在你看来，真正的韧性是什么样子的？

So what does real resilience look like for you?

咱们再落到你儿子身上。

Then let's bring it to your son.

他面对自闭症，还有那么严重的心理疾病，韧性具体体现在哪儿？

How does it look for him in getting through his autism and of course his serious mental illness?

每个人其实都有一个应对压力的缓冲区，对吧？

So everybody has a resilience buffer zone, right?

生活中总会遇到挫折，有人一碰就垮了，可另一个人遇到同样的事，转头就爬起来，你说是不是？

Life happens to you and you could have one person who has a setback and it tables them and another person who has the same setback and they just get back up, right?

每个人天生的基因、成长经历、童年遭遇都不一样，所以这个缓冲区的大小也各不相同。压力源咱没法全消掉，但咱可以提升自己扛住它的能力，别让这些事伤了身体、毁了心态。

So everybody through genetics, through life experiences, childhood experiences, everybody has a different size buffer And resilience, you can't always reduce the stressors, but you can build your capacity to absorb them in a way that doesn't damage your health or your well-being.

这就是我理解的韧性。

And that's how I view resilience.

不只是爬起来那么简单，更是从中找到意义，学会用这种不适感让自己变得更强大。

It's not just getting back up, it's extracting meaning, it's understanding how to use that discomfort to get stronger.

对埃文来说很难，因为他很多东西都搞不懂。

For Evan, it's hard because he doesn't understand a lot of that.

所以我们更注重实践那些韧性背后的技能，而不是老挂着‘韧性’这个词。

So for us, we practice more of the skills of resilience rather than calling them resilience.

这些其实就是日常的小习惯。

They're just daily practices.

没错。

Sure.

你在书里提到过大脑和一些相关的内容。

Now in your books, you talk about the brain and various things.

你希望人们更多了解的是，自闭症大脑是怎么处理创伤的，还有精神疾病又是怎么不一样地处理它的。

What do you wish people knew more and understood more on how the autistic brain processes trauma, and then of course, how mental illness processes it differently.

我觉得最重要的是，其实有自闭症谱系的人比你想象的多得多。

I think the biggest thing to know is that way more people than you think are on the autism spectrum.

我接触的很多人，都是到了成年晚期才被确诊的。

A lot of people that I work with didn't even get diagnosed until late adulthood.

所以有很多人根本不知道自己其实属于谱系里的一员。

And so I think there are so many people who don't even realize they're on the spectrum.

我看到的最大困难是执行功能方面的挑战——比如没法把事情放在更大背景下理解、不会规划、不擅长解决问题、读不懂别人的情绪，也难控制自己的情绪，还有社交信号这些方方面面。

And the biggest challenges I see are with executive functioning skills, this ability to put things in a greater context, to plan, to problem solve, to recognize others' emotional state and be able to regulate your own emotions, social cues, all of those components.

再说到精神疾病，它其实也像自闭症一样是个谱系，对吧？

And then you get into mental illness and it's also a spectrum just like autism is, right?

不是非黑即白，非得是双相或不是、抑郁或不是。

So it's not like you're either bipolar or not, depressed or not.

很多人其实都会经历一些症状。

Lots of people experience symptoms.

只有当这些症状开始影响你的生活质量、人际关系、日常功能时，才算是真正成了疾病。

When it becomes an illness is when it starts to impact your quality of life, your relationships, your ability to function.

我19岁的时候被诊断出患有临床抑郁症。

I was diagnosed with clinical depression at the age of 19.

说实话，一个得抑郁症的励志演讲者，这讽刺感我怎么可能没意识到。

And trust me, the irony of a depressed motivational speaker is not lost on me.

很多人觉得抑郁就是软弱，是生理问题。

But a lot of people believe that it's weakness and it's biology.

所以我觉得，确实有人拿心理疾病当借口。

So I think there are some people who use mental illness as an excuse.

我抑郁、我焦虑，所以我做不到这个、那个。

I'm depressed, I'm anxious, therefore I can't do dot, dot, dot, dot.

对很多人来说，一开始可能真是这样，但对我们大多数人来说，是可以慢慢练习、锻炼这些能力的。

And for many people that may be true initially, but for most of us, we can start to practice these skills and build these muscles.

这并不会让病消失。

It doesn't take the illness away.

它也不会从根本上改变你大脑里的样子，但它能让你慢慢学会一些技能，让你恢复得更快，感觉更好，生活得更好。

It doesn't change who you are fundamentally in your brain, but it does start allowing you to practice skills that help you recover faster, that help you feel better and live better.

如果下一个问题太私人了，你就直接说‘不’，我们换别的聊。

Now if this next question is too personal, just tell me no, and we'll move on to something different.

好。

Okay.

你提到你是个单亲妈妈。

You mentioned you were a single mother.

说实话，自闭症父母的离婚率非常高。

Unfortunately, autistic parents have a very high divorce rate.

那这是导致你们分开的原因之一吗？

Was that part of the reason that caused it?

如果是的话，你是怎么一边带这个有自闭症、还伴有严重心理问题的孩子，一边撑过来的？

And if it was, how did you handle it raising this autistic child that has severe mental illness as well?

是的，这确实是原因之一。

So it was part of it.

我前夫是个酒鬼，他认为埃文的病是我教养不当，连我们的儿科医生也这么想。

My ex husband was an alcoholic and thought that Evan's illness was my parenting ability, as did our pediatrician, right?

就好像你当妈不够好，不够有恒心，孩子才会这样。

Like if you were a better mom, if you were more consistent, then our kid would be fine.

结果我就累到彻底垮了。

And so I found myself in a place of sheer exhaustion.

说真的，我脸上长的那个肿瘤，就是这么累出来的。

I mean, that's how I ended up with a tumor in my face, right?

你不可能一直撑在这种透支的状态下。

Like you just can't operate at that level of exhaustion.

但当我开始谈恋爱，打算再婚的时候——现在我和我老公已经结婚十六年了——可在我第一次和他约会前，我就把埃文的事全告诉他了。

But when I started to date, when I thought about getting remarried, before I would ever go on a date with my husband, we've now been married for sixteen years, but before I would even go on a date with him, I told him all about Evan.

我把一切都讲清楚了。

I explained it.

等我们相处了一阵子，我才带他见埃文。

After we were together for a while, then I introduced him to Evan.

我永远都忘不了那天。

And I'll never forget it.

那是我们第一次带埃文出去约会，他在餐厅里彻底崩溃了，掀了桌子，把所有人都吓跑了。

It was one of our first dates with Evan there, and he had an absolute and total meltdown in a restaurant, flipped a table, scared all the people out.

那时候我就在想：我真的很喜欢你，还想继续和你约会，但我也理解，如果你现在想走，也是完全可以理解的——毕竟你已经看到这种场面了。

And so you're there trying to go, I still really like you and I still wanna date you, but I get it if you wanna leave now because you've seen what this can look like.

这真的很难，很多父母最后都离婚了，互相指责，耗尽了办法，也耗光了力气。

So it's hard and a lot of parents get divorced, you blame each other, you run out of skills, you run out of energy.

当你已经油尽灯枯，每天只求能熬过去的时候，根本没多余的心力去经营感情。可感情啊，本来就靠时间和精力养着的。

When you're going on empty, when you're just trying to survive the day, it is incredibly difficult to pour time and energy into the relationship and relationships need time and energy and work.

当你把所有精力都扑在孩子身上，只为能撑过每一天，根本没空顾得上自己。

And when you're giving all of that energy to your kids, because you're just trying to survive, it's very difficult to make time for yourself.

埃文的治疗师很早就对我们夫妻俩说：你们每周必须安排一次约会，而且不准谈孩子。

One of Evan's therapists told us very early on, my husband Jay and I, that we needed to have a date night once a week where we did not talk about kids.

不准谈工作。

We did not talk about work.

我们现在也在一起上班。

We work together too now.

所以那会儿，我们不谈工作，也不谈孩子。

So it was, you don't talk about work, you don't talk about kids.

你很快就会发现，夫妻日常的对话几乎全都是在处理琐事——安排日程、决定晚饭吃什么、怎么从这儿去那儿。

And you realize very quickly in a relationship, how much of your daily interactions boil down to logistics, scheduling and what we're going to do for dinner and how we're going to get from here to there.

这对我们特别有帮助，因为它逼着我们去发现并培养彼此身上那些被忽略的另一面。

And that was really helpful for us because it forced us to find other sides of us that we could nurture and build.

你是什么时候突然决定，算了，我得写本书讲讲这事的？

When did you stop and decide, you know what, I have to write a book about this.

2012年。

In 2012.

Evan第一次住院是在2010年。

So Evan's first hospitalization was in 2010.

那时候我为了应对这一切，整整两个月都住在罗纳德·麦当劳之家，不得不放下家、工作，一切的一切，天天守在医院陪他。

And one of the ways I tried to cope with that, we lived at the Ronald McDonald House for two months and I basically had to leave my home, my job, my everything to go be at the hospital with him.

我开始用写博客的方式来消化这些事，记录我们的经历、我学到的东西，还有我们正在经历的一切。

And one of the ways I started coping with that was writing a blog about our experiences, about what I was learning, about what we were going through.

很多人主动联系我，说这个博客对他们帮助特别大，他们之前觉得特别孤单，根本不知道还有别的家庭也在经历类似的困难。

And people reached out and would say that it was so helpful to them, that they felt alone, that they didn't realize other families were going through similar challenges.

所以这渐渐成了我疗愈自己、释放情绪的一种方式。

And so it really just became a way to help myself therapeutically, cathartically.

但当我意识到它真的有意义、能帮到别人时，我明白了：无论你想成长还是从低谷中爬起来，最重要的能力之一，就是给艰难的经历赋予意义。

But as soon as I realized it had meaning and value and helped other people, one of the greatest skills, whether you're trying to grow or bounce back, is to make meaning of challenging experiences.

痛苦不会因此消失，但至少有了方向。

They don't erase pain, but they give it a purpose.

于是我就想，好吧，我该怎么用这段经历，给这个我根本不想面对、也不想要的困境，找到一点意义呢？

And so it's like, okay, how do I use this to make meaning out of a really tough situation that I didn't ask for, didn't want, but have?

那你能拿它怎么办？

So what do you do with it?

我不想让别的家庭还得从头开始，重复我走过的弯路，如果他们本可以避免的话。

Well, I didn't want other families to have to do all of the work to recreate that wheel if they didn't have to.

所以我干脆把所有这些都写成了书。

So I just started pouring it into books.

我的第一本书是2014年出版的。

And my first book came out in 2014.

我最新的书《可进化性》再过两周就要上市了。

My newest book Evolvability will be out in two weeks.

所以你看，我已经出了四本，但还在不断学习中。

And so, yeah, I've got four of them and I just am learning still.

每次学到点什么，我就记下来，好让别人也能从中受益。

So every time I learn something, I write it down so somebody else can learn from it as well.

读者们对这些书的反应怎么样？

What's the response you've seen from the books?

我猜反响应该不错吧。

I'm sure it must be pretty good.

我对大家的反馈真的特别感激。

I've been so incredibly grateful for the response.

我经常面对各种听众，从企业高管到非营利组织，再到政府机构。

You know, I'm in front of audiences ranging from corporate audiences to nonprofit to government agencies.

我主要帮领导团队做辅导。

I work with leadership teams.

从小团队到大团队，我都带过，各种规模都接触过。

I work with small groups, large groups, everyone in between.

每次看到大家买我的书、找我签名，最让我感动的就是我们真的能连上心——他们会主动回反馈，或者下次活动又碰上了，因为我大多数客户都是长期合作的。

And so when I get to see all these folks and they buy books and I get to sign them, the beauty is we connect and they respond back and they share with me feedback or I'll see them at the next event because I work with most of my clients on an ongoing basis.

我听到最多的一句话是：‘哎，真有意思，你这本书读起来特别轻松。’

The thing that I hear most is, well, it's funny, so it's easy to read.

我故意写得不那么严肃。

I try to make it not too serious.

我把那些特别复杂的神经科学和心理学知识，掰开了、揉碎了，变成我能听懂的说法。

But the other thing is I take really complex neuroscience and psychology and dumb it down to where I can understand it.

所以我一直说：你就当我是三岁小孩，用最直白的话跟我讲，我就懂了。

And so my thing is always talk to me like I'm three years old, so I can understand it.

我不需要一堆理论、背景知识，我就想知道：这招怎么用？具体该怎么做？

I don't need all the theory, I don't need all of the background, but I do wanna know what the strategy is and how I practice it.

所以大家跟我说得最多的就是，谢谢你写得这么好笑，谢谢你把内容讲得这么好懂，还有最重要的——谢谢你分享的这些实用技巧，不管是上班、家用还是别的场景都能用得上。

So the thing I hear is thank you for making me laugh, thank you for making it simple to understand, and most importantly, thank you for the really practical skills that I can use at work or at home or anywhere in between.

那你能不能举个例子，说说你都是怎么把这些复杂的内容拆解成普通人能看懂的样子的？

Can you give us an example on how you take things and make it more simple for people?

这样大家也能更明白你到底在讲什么。

This way they'll get a better understanding about what you're talking about?

没问题。

Sure.

就拿大脑来说吧，这个神奇的器官里藏着数不清的复杂机制。

So if you think about the brain, there's so many complexities that are involved with this amazing organ.

但它本质上就是个求生机器。

It boils down to being a survival machine.

大脑时时刻刻都在琢磨怎么能让你活下来。

Your brain is always looking for ways to keep you alive.

它才不管你开不开心、休息够不够，也不在乎你有没有谈恋爱、能不能平衡工作和生活。

It doesn't care if you're happy, it doesn't care if you're rested, it doesn't care if you're in love or feel work life balance.

你的大脑存在的唯一目的，就是让你活下来。

Your brain is only there to keep you alive.

为了做到这一点，它会放大任何它觉得是威胁的东西。

And so to do that, it magnifies anything it perceives as a threat.

可能是迎面冲过来的车，也可能是收件箱里一封刺耳的邮件。

That could be a car careening at you or a snarky email in your inbox.

一旦发生这种情况，我们就失去了调节情绪的能力。

And anytime that happens, we lose the ability to regulate our emotions.

解决问题的能力、免疫系统的正常运作、自我调节、任何高级思维——只要你情绪失控，这些全都没了。

We lose the ability to problem solve, to have our immune system function effectively, to regulate ourselves, to any higher level thinking is impossible when you're dysregulated.

所以我教人们怎么利用对大脑的理解，去改变它的运作方式，因为你的大脑就像肌肉一样，是可以重塑的。

And so I teach people how to use that understanding of the brain to shift the way it works, because you can change your brain just like any other muscle.

你只需要知道怎么做。

You just have to know how.

当别人陷入困境时，你怎么跟他们说？

What do you tell people when they're struggling?

他们第一步该怎么做？

What is the first step they do?

怎么从恐慌等级十降到五，甚至更低？

How do they get from a panic number 10 to maybe a panic level of five or better?

第一步是明白：不开心很正常。

The first thing is to know it's okay not to be okay.

我们现在活在一个追求幸福的文化里。

We live in this happiness culture.

光在美国，这产业每年就值上千亿美元，但你的大脑本来就不是要一直开心的。

It's like ten or eleven billion dollars a year just in The US alone, and your brain's not supposed to be happy all the time.

所以我发现，人一难受，就觉得自己出问题了，还把不适感当成了危险信号。

So what I find is that when people are struggling, they feel like they're broken, and we mistake discomfort for danger.

所以你要明白，感到压力、焦虑、压得喘不过气，虽然不舒服，但不等于真的出事了。

So part of it is understanding that just because you feel stress and anxiety and overwhelm, just because it feels bad, doesn't mean it is bad.

关键是要改变你和这种不适感的关系。

It's changing your relationship with the discomfort.

举个例子，我觉得我脸部能恢复的原因，是因为我唾液腺长了个牛油果那么大的肿瘤，导致面瘫，医生说：‘你的神经已经彻底坏了。’

So for example, one of the things that I believe is the reason my face recovered, I had facial paralysis as a result of this avocado sized tumor at my salivary gland, the doctor said, Your nerve is too far gone.

不可能恢复了。

It's not going to recover.

我就问他：‘那您能给我点物理治疗的练习方法吗？我能做点什么？’

And I said, Well, can you give me some physical therapy practices, something I can do?

他却说：‘你去练习感恩吧。’

And he said, I want you to practice gratitude.

我当时就想：‘拜托，你认真的？’

And I was like, Seriously, come on.

我需要的是物理治疗，不是什么感恩练习啊。

Like, I need physical therapy, not a gratitude practice.

他知道我就是干这行的。

He knows that this is my field.

所以他跟我说：‘你去查一个月，自己研究研究。’

And so he said, Go research it for a month.

你去查查关于感恩的学术研究。

I want you to go research the academic studies related to gratitude.

查完回来告诉我，你有什么想法。

And then you come back and you tell me what you think.

我就去查了，结果发现有成千上万项研究都证实了感恩对身心健康的好处。

So I did, and there are thousands of studies that document the physical and mental health benefits of it.

只要找点值得感恩的事想想，体内的压力激素皮质醇就能降23%。

Just looking for something to be grateful for drops cortisol, the stress hormone by 23%.

它能重新训练你的大脑，让你更关注生活中对的地方，而不是老盯着错的地方。

And so it retrains your brain to look for what's right instead of what's wrong.

我没法证明这正是我面部神经恢复的原因，但我可以告诉你，我已经把它融入了日常生活，根本不是额外多做的事。

Now I can't prove that's why my facial nerve recovered, but I am telling you, I've integrated it into my day, so it wasn't like an extra thing.

我每天早晚刷牙的时候就开始练习。

I started practicing while I brushed my teeth in the morning and at night.

我会想三件目前正在顺利发生的事，以及我为什么为此心怀感激。

I think of three things that are going right in my life and why I'm grateful for them.

我真没骗你，三四个月后，我的脸就恢复了。

I'm not even kidding within three or four months, my face came back.

他们都说不可能的。

After they said it wouldn't.

当然，我没法证明这一定是因果关系，但感恩确实能让大脑进入一种安全的状态。

Now, obviously I can't, it's not causation necessarily, but what gratitude does is it puts your brain in a state of safety.

所以对埃文来说，我每天都会问：今天最棒的事是什么？

And so for Evan, every day I'm like, tell me the best thing that happened to you today.

你为自己哪件事感到骄傲？

Tell me one thing you're proud of yourself for.

明天有什么让你期待的事？

Tell me one thing you're excited about tomorrow.

它不会让困难消失，但能训练你的大脑，去同时寻找那些好的方面，平衡负面情绪。

And it doesn't take the hard stuff away, but it does train your brain to offset it by looking for the good stuff as well.

这种转变，不仅改变你的身体化学反应，更深刻影响你的心理健康和整体幸福感。

And that's a really powerful shift in not only your body chemistry, but your mental health and your well-being.

回头看看，你现在是作家、演讲者，当然还是个妈妈。

Looking back, now you're an author, you're a speaker, of course you're a mother.

你希望那些和你走过同样路、或者正在走这条路的家庭，当他们感到被忽视、被评判、或者走投无路的时候，能从中得到什么、真正明白什么？

What message do you hope that families who are walking the same path that you are walking or you have walked, What do you hope that they get and of course understand when they feel invisible, judged, or just out of options?

第一，对自己宽容一点。

One, it would be give yourself some grace.

我们当专业人士的时候都知道这么做，可当父母的，老拿自己跟全世界比。

I mean, we do it as professionals, but as parents, we compare ourselves to everyone under the sun.

你看人家小鲍比在班上不是挺好的吗？

Well, little Bobby over there seems to be getting along fine in class.

我这个当妈的肯定哪里做错了。

I must be doing something wrong as a mom.

我觉得头一件事儿，就是对自己宽容一点。

I think the first thing is to give yourself some grace.

你现在手头有什么资源，就尽你所能做到最好了。

You are doing the very best you can with the resources you have available right now.

如果我们能做得更好，早就做了，对吧？

If we could do better, we would do better, right?

所以第一点，对自己温柔点，这事儿本来就难，没人有现成的路线图。

So one is give yourself some grace because it's a hard situation and nobody has a roadmap.

第二点，牢牢抓住对你来说最重要的东西。

The other would be to anchor yourself in what matters most.

我们家当时就定了三个核心价值观，用来指导我们的行为。

So what we did for our family is we decided on three values that we wanted to guide our behavior.

当决定变得艰难时，你得想想那些价值观——我举个例子。

What are the values that when decisions get hard, and I'll give you an example.

Evan十五岁那年，我们做了我这辈子最艰难的一个决定，可能也是他生命中最难的。

When Evan was 15 years old, we had to make probably the hardest decision I've ever had to make in his life or in my life.

他当时不安全。

He was not safe.

我们也不安全。

We were not safe.

我们女儿也不安全。

Our daughter was not safe.

我们累坏了。

We were exhausted.

我去见了他的精神科医生，跟他说：我觉得自己是个失败的父母。

And I went to his psychiatrist and I said, look, I feel like I'm failing.

我不想把他送走，但德克萨斯州根本找不到合适的项目。

I don't wanna send him away, but there's no programs in Texas.

我们找来找去，唯一愿意收留他、还能帮到他的地方，只有爱达荷州。

The only thing we can find that will take him and be good for him is in Idaho.

我真的不想把我的孩子送那么远，还搭上我们所有的积蓄。

I don't wanna send my baby away and use our life savings to do it.

他问我：那你最在乎的是什么？

And he said, Well, what's important to you?

我说：当然是我们的家。

I said, Well, our family.

家庭是我最重要的价值观。

Family is my number one value.

他问我：‘那什么样的选择能体现这一点？’

And he said, Okay, what choice would reflect that?

当你在压力和疲惫中做决定时，大脑真的会特别吃力。

And when you make decisions out of stress and exhaustion, it's so hard for your brain.

在压力下做决定，真的特别耗人。

Making decisions under pressure is exhausting.

清楚自己的价值观，并不能让艰难的决定变简单，但能让你看清楚该选哪条路。

When you know what your values are, it doesn't make hard decisions go away, but it does make them clear.

在这种情况下，一个把家庭看得最重要的人会怎么做？

What would someone who values their family do in this situation?

我想成为什么样的父母？

What kind of parent do I wanna be?

那样的父母，又会怎么处理这件事？

And what would that parent do in this situation?

你得面对这么多决定，这么多问题，资源却少得可怜。

So you're faced with so many decisions, so many problems to solve such limited resources.

我会说，加入个互助小组，报个课，多学点东西，多跟善良的人待在一起。

I would say, join a support group, take classes, educate yourself, surround yourself with people who are kind.

我不得不跟好多朋友断了联系，就因为他们的评判——反正别人家孩子都好好的嘛。

I can't tell you how many friends I had to let go of because of the judgment, because, well, everybody else's kids are fine.

我不确定你具体遇到啥事，但我确实得把那些人从我生活中请出去。

I'm not sure what your issue is, but I had to let go of those people in my life.

你得围着自己圈一圈能接纳你和你家人的朋友，对你有耐心的人。

You have to surround yourself with people who will accept you and your family as you are and be patient with you.

这事儿不容易，但别对自己太苛刻，想清楚你的价值观，抽时间经营关系——尤其是你有伴侣的时候，不管多忙，都得留点时间给这段关系。

And it's hard to do, but give yourself grace, frame your decisions and your values and make time if you're in a partnership with somebody else, especially when you're in a partnership, make time for that relationship, no matter what you have to do.

在我们能负担得起之前，我们雇了个人，是在Care.com上找的，结果他成了我们的救星。

Before we could afford it, we hired somebody, we found him on care.com and he ended up being our savior.

他叫迈克尔，每周来我家六天，可我们连他的工资都快付不起了。

His name was Michael and he was in our house six days a week and we couldn't even afford to pay him.

那时候，他纯粹是出于好心在帮我们。

At one point, he was just doing it out of the goodness of his heart.

但你需要喘口气。

But you need respite.

你不能一直透支自己。

You can't run on empty.

没错。

Right.

对啊。

Right.

你现在都写过四本书了。

Now you have written four books.

嗯，是的。

Uh-huh.

跟我们说说你的书吧，读者去哪儿能买到？还有，他们怎么才能找到你？

Tell us about the books, where they can find them, and, of course, where they can find you.

我的所有书都在亚马逊上。

So all of my books are on Amazon.

我写了52条关于生活、爱情和工作的实用策略。

I've got 52 strategies for life, love, and work.

每条策略就两到三页，还附带具体行动指南，覆盖多个不同领域。

These are two to three page strategies with action items on each one in a variety of different areas.

《足够坚强：选择勇气、韧性与胜利》这本书是基于我的TED演讲写的。

Strong Enough, Choosing Courage, Resilience, and Triumph is based on my TED Talk.

《心胜于瞬》和《释放韧性之力》是我的第三本书。

Mind Over Moment, The Harness the Power of Resilience is my third book.

我最新的一本，几周后就要上市了，叫《可塑性：当人生偏离轨道时，如何持续成长》。

And then my newest coming out in a couple of weeks is Evolvability: Growing Forward When Life Goes Sideways.

这本书提出了一个六支柱框架，教你如何在生活不如意时，学会适应、领导和茁壮成长。

And it's a six pillar framework for adapting, leading and thriving when life does not go according to plan.

所有书都在亚马逊上，你也可以去annegradygroup.com找我。

They're all on Amazon and you can find me at annegradygroup.com.

你再说一遍，你儿子现在住哪儿来着？

Tell us again, where did you say that your son is living now?

他在爱达荷州的一家集体生活中心。

He lives in Idaho in a group home.

离得这么远，你觉得怎么样？

How has that worked out for you being that far away?

有帮助吗？

Has it helped?

你看出什么变化了吗？

What kind of difference can you see?

他现在过得怎么样？

And how is he doing?

说真的，这让我有了点距离感，能更清楚地看清楚事情，但确实很难受，我很想他，咱们见他的次数也没想象中多。

It helped in that it gave me some perspective, some space to be able to see things clearly, but it's hard because I miss him, you know, and we don't see him as often as we'd like.

去年我们大概见了他五六次。

I think last year we saw him five or six times.

这对他有帮助吗？

Is it helping him?

他觉得有了独立性和自主权，这对他真的有帮助。

It's helping him to feel like he has independence and autonomy.

他和两个室友住在一起。

He lives with two roommates.

这里有24小时的工作人员照看。

He has twenty four hour staff.

我们能申请到这个项目，真的太幸运了。我在德克萨斯州等类似的服务等了二十多年，现在排队的人还三万多个呢。

I am beyond blessed that we were able to find this program because I've been on a waiting list in Texas over twenty years to have similar services, and we're still 30,000 on the list.

我觉得对他来说这样更好，他不再觉得是爸妈在事事管着他。

I think it's better for him because he doesn't feel like he's being ranker managed by mom and dad.

这还让我们有空间去关注自己的身心健康。当你是照顾者的时候，整天围着别人转，很容易把自己耗干，这反而逼着我们停下来歇一歇。

And I think it's given us some space to focus on our own mental health and our own physical health, because you spend so much time caring for whoever it is that you're caring for as a caregiver role, that it's easy to end up depleted and it forced us to take a step back.

他去那所学校才一周，我老公就从梯子上摔下来，摔断了髋骨、胳膊和肋骨。

You know, a week after he went to that school, my husband fell off a ladder and broke his hip, his arm and his ribs.

我们去急诊的时候，医生问：‘最近有没有什么情绪上的大事发生？’

When we went to the ER, the doctor said, Did you have something emotional happen lately?

我们就说：‘是啊，我们不得不把儿子送到两千英里外的寄宿学校，实在没法再照顾他了。',

And we said, Yeah, we had to take our son 2,000 miles away and leave him at a boarding school because we can't care for him.

急诊医生说：‘大多数跌倒都是情绪波动后发生的，人会真的站不稳。’

And the ER doctor said, Most falls happen after an emotional incident because you're literally off balance.

所以现在，我们总算有时间重新站稳了。

So it's given us time to get our balance back.

当然了，生活中保持这种平衡太重要了。

Of course having that balance in life is very crucial.

你有没有发现，他现在住在那里之后，变化特别大？

Have you noticed a big change in him now that he's living where he's at?

我猜他还在吃药吧，希望药效不错。

I'm sure he's on medications and hopefully they're working.

你看到他有好转吗？你觉得现在的生活对他更好了吗？

So have you seen an improvement in him and do you think his life is better for it?