196. 为什么认可让人如此上瘾

如果我在这一刻感到自我怀疑，但它并没有影响我的价值，也没有影响我以任何我喜欢的方式参与其中的能力——无论是与他人、我的内容、我的工作、我的进步，以任何形式——我会做些什么？

If I felt self doubt in this moment, but it didn't impact my worth and it didn't impact my capacity to engage in whatever way I'd like to engage, whether it's with other people, with my content, with my work, with my progress, in whatever way that looks, what would I be doing?

如果我依然抱着这种自我怀疑，但仍然继续前行，我会做些什么？

What would I do if I were holding on to this self doubt and still moving through it?

你正在收听《理解饮食失调》第196期。

You're listening to Understanding Disordered Eating episode a 196.

今天我们来聊聊，为什么认可感会让人如此上瘾。

Today we are talking about why in the world validation feels so freaking addictive.

你们都知道我在说什么，尤其是那些正在与饮食失调和身体形象问题作斗争的人。

You all know what I'm talking about, especially people struggling with eating disorders and body image concerns.

但几乎每个人，或者说很多人，其实都在为此挣扎。

But kind of everyone or a lot of people really struggle this.

我们内心深处有一种强烈的渴望，想要获得认可。

We have this deep pull toward validation.

赞美、安慰、肯定。

Compliments, reassurance, approval.

它们在内心感觉非常、非常强大，有时甚至显得必不可少。

They feel really, really powerful internally and sometimes they even feel necessary.

那么，为什么认可会让人感觉如此良好？

So why does validation feel so good?

有时，为什么它甚至让人上瘾？

And sometimes why does it even feel addictive?

我使用'上瘾'这个词是非常宽松的。

And I use the word addictive in a very loose sense.

这并不是一种真正的成瘾，而是一种你总觉得必须不断回头寻求更多认可的感觉。

This is not like an addiction, but it's the kind of thing where you just sort of feel like you have to keep coming back for more.

为什么会这样？

Why is that?

我想从一开始就重新定义一下这个问题。

I want to reframe something just from the get go.

当人们思考这个问题时，通常会立刻想到：哦，我感觉这么依赖他人。

Very often when people think about this question, they go immediately to, oh, I feel so needy.

我为什么需要这种认可？

Why do I need this validation?

这并不是关于依赖他人。

This isn't about being needy.

当我们陷入这种思维陷阱时，我认为我们已经偏离了正轨。

And that when we go down that rabbit hole, I think we've already derailed ourselves.

这关乎于尝试去理解这种对认可的渴望从何而来。

That it's about trying to begin to understand where this hunger for validation comes from.

明白这个双关语了吗？

Get that pun.

我并不是故意这么说的。

That wasn't on purpose.

当然，我们会谈到它与饮食失调的关联，但最终是要去理解：到底是什么让我如此需要它？

Of course, we'll talk about how it connects with eating disorders, but ultimately is trying to understand, wait, what is making me need this?

而不是停留在那种苛刻批判的阶段，觉得自己太依赖他人。

As opposed to stopping in this judgy critical place of being so needy.

所以先在这里放松一下，别带着评判。

So just hang out here for a little bit without the judgment.

你随时都可以在最后加上评判。

You can include the judgment whenever you want at the end.

好的。

Alright.

我们来谈谈什么是真正的认可，尤其是因为它已经变成一个流行词了。

Let's talk about what validation actually is, especially because it's become one of these these buzzwords.

你知道那些治疗领域的流行词吗？人们开始使用它们，但你完全搞不懂他们在说什么，因为他们只是在套用治疗术语，而且用起来特别烦人。

You know those therapy buzzwords people start using that you have absolutely no idea what people are saying anymore because they're just using therapy language and they're actually like super annoying when they use that.

而且真的很尴尬。

And it's very, very cringe.

呃，你这是什么意思？

Like, ew, what do you mean?

这就有点像‘神经系统’这个词。

It's kind of like the term nervous system.

人们很喜欢用这个词。

People love to use that.

哦，我的神经系统失调了。

Oh, my nervous system is dysregulated.

我心想，你到底是什么意思？

And I'm like, what in the world do you mean?

你是说中枢神经系统还是周围神经系统？

Do you mean like the central nervous system or the peripheral nervous system?

我敢肯定我们这里谈的不是解剖学。

I'm pretty sure we're not talking about anatomy here.

不管怎样，我跑题了，但当我们说话时总是满口心理学术语，这真让我烦。

Anyways, I digress, but that just bothers me when we use language and we just sort of be all therapy.

呃。

Ugh.

所以当我说‘认可’时，我希望人们的意思是被看见、被理解，真正地承认你的感受。

So when I say validation, I'm hoping people mean being seen, being understood, and really just having your experience acknowledged.

我需要澄清一点，因为当我们谈论不再需要这种外部认可时，很多人会说，太好了。

I have to clarify something here because when we talk about moving past needing this external validation, a lot of people are like, oh, great.

那我就不用再需要它了。

Then I won't need it.

作为人类，也许这是一个不幸的真相，但我们天生就需要认可，而这并不是弱点。

And as humans, maybe this is an unfortunate truth, but we are wired to need validation and that it is not a weakness.

这是一种基本的人际关系需求。

It's a basic relational human need.

任何上过大学心理学课程的人——我想大概占人口的45%——都知道有很多研究支持这一点。

Anybody who's taken undergrad psych courses, which is like, I guess, 45% of the population, know there's a ton of studies about this.

最终有个猴子实验，当它们只获得食物时，会经历大量负面后果。

There's the monkey study ultimately, like experiencing lots of negative consequences when they're only given food.

为什么是猴子版本，而不是妈妈版本或毛茸茸版本呢？

And why are monkey version as opposed to mom or furry version?

这个概念是，我们需要认可，也许不一定是具体的认可，但我们需要关系，才能发展出我所说的‘情感支柱’，也就是自我感。

The concept is that we need validation and maybe not specifically validation, but we need relationships in order to develop what I call the emotional backbone, like a sense of self.

我们在童年时期通过主要照顾者获得这种情感支柱，通过持续被认可、有条件地支持、被爱和被看见而发展出来。

And we develop that as children through our primary caregivers by being validated and conditionally unsupported and loved and seen all the time.

或者不一定总是如此，但非常稳定。

Or maybe not all the time, but very consistently.

我们逐渐形成了一种预期：我们的照顾者会给予我们所谓的认可和支持。

It was something that we had come to expect that we will be, quote, validated, supported by our caregivers.

而我们之所以发展出这种情感支柱，是因为人类本就如此。

And then we develop this emotional backbone because that's how humans are.

如果我们没有这种支持，当认可——或许可以换成‘无条件的支持’——变得不稳定，或者成长过程中支持时有时无、条件苛刻或完全缺失时，一个人就会对自己的感受感到不确定，因为这会显得混乱而无序。

If we don't have that, when validation and maybe swap out this word for unconditional support was inconsistent, or maybe I guess that's obvious when support was inconsistent growing up or conditional or absent completely, then someone will grow up feeling unsure about their feelings because it's kind of messy and disorganized.

他们至少会对自己价值感到不确定，对自己的身份也感到迷茫。

They're going to feel unsure at best about their worth and unsure at best about their identity.

这是我们如何看待自己的基础，因为我们从周围的人身上内化了这些信息。

This is the foundation for how we feel about ourselves because we've internalized it from the people around us.

如果我们无法收集并内化这些信息，未来就无法对自己产生足够积极或良好的感受。

If we are not able to gather that information and internalize it, then we cannot feel that way or decent enough about ourselves in the future.

例如，当一个人只因成就或极高成就而被抚养，或者他们的感情反应总是被忽视时。

So for example, when somebody gets raised only for achievements or only for high achievements or someone feels dismissed constantly for their emotional reactions.

比如他们为每一件小事哭泣，而反应总是说：你反应过度了。

So like they're crying at every single thing and the reaction is always like, you're overreacting.

别这样了。

Stop it.

或者主要照顾者情感上不可得，而且你也不知道他们什么时候会变得可得。

Or if the primary caregivers were emotionally unavailable or emotionally unavailable, but you didn't know when they might be available.

有时候他们不在，有时候他们也不在。

And sometimes they weren't, sometimes they weren't.

或者爱与接纳是与表现或外貌挂钩的。

Or maybe the love or acceptance was tied to performance or appearance.

结果就是，没有内化那种一贯的感觉：哦，是的，我足够好。

When the result is that instead of internalizing this consistent feeling of, oh, yeah, I'm good enough.

我很好。

I'm okay.

这并不一致。

It's inconsistent.

所以我们不得不不断从外部获得这种确认。

So we have to constantly get that from outside.

这很合理，因为想想我们内心如何感到稳固，这取决于我们如何解读周围环境以及如何内化外部的信息。

It makes sense because if you think about the development of how we feel solid internally is based on how we have read the room and how we've internalized the outside.

因此，这种需求源于一种与他人建立关系、融入世界并感到安心的内在驱动力。

So where it comes from is this innate drive to be able to be in relationship and be in the world and feel okay.

这是正常的。

That is normal.

唯一的问题是，当关于你是否okay的信息不一致时，我们就缺乏足够的信息来确认自己是okay的。

The only problem is that when the messages are inconsistent about that you're okay, then we don't have enough information to confirm that we're okay.

好吧，我们先来谈谈这种上瘾的感觉。

Okay, let's talk about the addictive feeling here for a second.

当我们开始追逐认可时，这里可能正在发生一些事情。

When we start chasing validation, here's potentially what goes on.

当我们感到被认可时，比如有人说：‘你看起来太棒了。’

When we feel validated, so someone's like, oh, you look amazing.

这会带来一种初步的解脱感。

There's a preliminary relief.

也许在那一瞬间，你会在自我价值感上感觉非常好。

Maybe for a second, you feel really good, self worth wise.

也许在情绪上，你会感到更加平稳和平静。

Maybe emotionally you feel a lot more regulated and calm.

但由于我们刚才谈到的那种内在价值感——那种情感支柱并不稳定，这种感觉会很快消退。

But because the internal sense of worth that what we were just talking about this sort of like emotional backbone isn't stable, the feeling fades very quickly.

这意味着它形成了一个循环。

Which means that it creates this cycle.

自我怀疑出现了。

The self doubt appears.

我们开始寻求认可。

We seek out validation.

我们得到了暂时的解脱，但怀疑又回来了，寻找又重新开始。

We get this temporary relief, but then the doubt returns and the search begins again.

如果从一个宽松的成瘾定义来看，这看起来确实很相似。

Which I guess if you're thinking about a loose definition of addiction, kind of looks pretty similar.

让我们把饮食失调或与食物和身体的复杂关系也纳入考虑。

Let's add eating disorders or complicated relationships with food and body into the picture.

饮食失调可以成为一种获取认可的机制。

So eating disorders can become a system for generating validation.

想想所有这些不同的例子。

Think about all of these different examples.

有人因为减肥而得到赞美，或者因为自律和意志力而受到表扬。

Someone gets compliments about weight loss or maybe they're praised for discipline or willpower.

天啊，你真棒。

Oh my gosh, you're so good.

人们钦佩他们的自控力。

People admire them for their control.

人们钦佩他们的瘦削。

People admire them for their thinness.

饮食文化和社会媒体带来了社会强化。

There's social reinforcements from diet culture and social media.

所以，对于饮食失调来说，这就像一种验证的数学方程式。

So what happens is with the eating disorders that it's sort of like this mathematical equation for validation.

如果我保持瘦削，或者说是，我们的大脑，不是特别有意识地。

If I stay thin or recreated, I guess, our mind, not super consciously.

如果我保持瘦削，我就值得被爱。

If I stay thin, I stay worthy.

如果别人注意到我的身体，我就存在，等等等等。

If people notice my body, I exist, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

但这种认可非常脆弱。

But the validation is pretty fragile.

它是外部控制的，这意味着我无法让它保持稳定，因此就像我说的，它很脆弱。

It's externally controlled, which means that there is no way for me to keep it consistent and thus fragile, like I said.

现在，为什么这种感觉永远不够，也许这很明显，但外部的肯定无法永久填补内心的空缺。

Now the reason why it never feels enough, maybe this is obvious, but external validation cannot permanently fill an internal gap.

如果我们没有这种情感支柱，即使世界上充满赞美，也无法用外部肯定来填补它。

If we don't have this emotional backbone, then we cannot fill it with external validation even if there's a ton of praise in the world.

首先，内在的批评者总是比外界的声音更强大。

First of all, the inner critic will always remain stronger than the outside voices.

其次，那些赞美会被淡化，甚至被忽视。

Second of all, the compliments get discounted or maybe obscure.

你可能会说，他们只是在客气而已。

Maybe you say something like, they're just being nice.

而且，标准不是可能，而是不断在变动。

And maybe the bar not maybe, the bar keeps moving.

于是我们开始推断：哦，他们这次夸了我，但三个月后却什么都没说，因此他们一定对我有负面看法。

So then we sort of start inferring like, oh, so they complimented me on this occasion, but like three months later, they didn't say anything and therefore they think negatively of me.

我们不断需要更多、更多、更多，这最终可能导致饮食失调行为加剧、更深的不安全感，以及持续的比较——不仅在社交媒体上，甚至在街上散步、与朋友聚会、与家人相处时，你都在不断观察别人穿衣服的样子、他们如何进食。

And we need more and we need more and we need more, which ultimately can lead to escalating of eating disorder behaviors, a deeper sense of insecurity and constant comparison, not just on social media, but when you walk down the street, when you hang out with your friends, when you hang out with your family, you're constantly looking at how people are looking in their clothes, how people are eating.

我的意思是，甚至还会去比较，比如那个人好像一吃饱就停下了。

I mean, even the comparison of, oh, that person seemed to have stopped when they felt full.

为什么我就做不到呢？

And how come I can't do that?

这种种比较都在进一步加深我们的不安全感。

There's all this comparison that goes on that further deepens our insecurity.

那我们来谈谈如何转向内在的肯定。

So let's talk about moving toward internal validation.

在康复过程中，我们必须学会信任自己的内在体验，在感到自我怀疑时依然不把价值感外求，我认为一开始这非常非常困难，因为我们并不是说‘现在你对自己充满信心了’。

So in the recovery process, we have to learn to trust our internal experience and tolerate moments of self doubt without outsourcing worth, which I think in the beginning is very, very difficult because we're not saying, oh, now you feel sure about yourself.

我们说的是：你现在依然会有同样的自我怀疑，但你还是会继续前行，去做你必须做的事。

We're saying, now you feel the same kind of self doubt, but you're still going to move through this and do whatever you gotta do.

我们不再依赖外部的肯定。

We're not going to rely on external validation.

你依然会怀疑自己，但你会穿越过去。

You're still going to doubt yourself, but you're going to move through it.

而且希望你能达到一种境界：我不需要证明自己存在。

And hopefully, you move to a place where I don't need proof to exist.

我不需要外界的认可来占据空间。

I don't need validation to take up space.

我有权利独自占据空间。

I'm allowed to take up space on my own.

我已经足够好了。

I'm good enough.

我很坚定，等等。

I'm solid, etcetera.

而这种能力是极其缓慢地培养起来的。

And this skill develops very, very slowly.

不幸的是，我知道。

Unfortunately, I know.

而且这真的只能通过人际关系来实现。

And really only through relationships.

我会坚持把它当作一种治疗方式。

I'm going to stick in there as therapy.

治疗是一种非常特殊的关系。

Therapy is a very special kind of relationship.

如果我们想想人类发展是如何最初形成并持续在我们一生中保持稳固的，那就是围绕着那些无条件支持我们的人。

If you think about what we were talking about about human development, way that it is developed originally and continues to stay solid throughout our lives is surrounding ourselves with unconditionally supportive humans.

顺便说一句，这是我们一生都需要的东西。

And by the way, this is something that we need our entire lives.

这不是那种你在年轻时建立健康自尊后，余生就再也不需要任何人的情况。

It's not the kind of thing where you build a healthy self esteem when you're younger and then you don't need anybody for the rest of your life.

这是我们作为人类一生都需要的东西。

It's the kind of thing that we do need as humans for the rest of our lives.

也许方式会有所不同。

Maybe in different ways.

它在我们生命的后期不再那么基础，但绝对是必要的。

It's not as foundational in the latter part of our life, but it is definitely necessary.

如果你仔细想想，真正培养稳固自我感受的唯一途径，就是通过人际关系。

If you think about it, then really the only way to develop some sort of solid feelings about ourselves is through relationships.

为了做到这一点，也许这听起来有点矛盾，但我们需要在人际关系中冒险，才能建立起无条件的支持关系。

And in order to do that, well, maybe this is a bit of an oxymoron, but we need to take risks in relationships in order to build relationships that are unconditional.

我知道，关于这期播客的标题，我只谈了为什么认可会让人上瘾。

So I know that I offered in terms of the title of this podcast episode just why validation feels addictive.

但为了不让你们觉得我话没说完——除了通过人际关系，我该如何建立更多这种感受呢？因为听起来好像有点敷衍，‘好吧’。

But in order for it not to feel like I'm leaving you hanging in terms of how do I build more of this besides for just through relationships because that kind of feels a little like, okay.

那我还能剩下什么？

Well, what am I left with?

我会分享一些片段，告诉你如何开始应对并挑战自己。

I'm gonna share a little bit some snippets of how you begin to move through this and challenge yourself.

但如果你想要更多内容，我所有关于自信建设、或包含‘认可’一词，以及我的‘勇敢有目的’系列内容，都是你接下来该去的地方，因为那里包含了如何建立自尊、克服自我怀疑的所有答案。

But in case you want more, any episode that I've confidence building or anything that has the word validation or any of my Brave on Purpose content is the next place where you need to go because it has all of the answers of how do I build up my self esteem and work through and move through self doubt.

所有答案都在那里。

It's all there.

所以现在先简单做个概括。

So just like a little bit of an abbreviation right now.

首先，这里有一些问题供你思考，以便我们开始激活思路。

First of all, here's some questions to think about just so that we can start to get the juices flowing.

想想你在什么时候最渴望得到认可？

Think about when do you crave validation the most?

当时发生了什么？

What's happening?

你当时有什么感受？

What are you feeling?

你的人际关系中发生了什么？

What's going on interpersonally?

你的工作情况如何？

What's going on with your job?

这一年里发生了什么？

What's going on in the year?

想想这种情况发生的时候。

Just think about when it happens.

在我寻求认可之前，会出现哪些感受？

What are the feelings that appear right before I seek it?

现在我明白，这要求你把节奏放慢，几乎像半速一样。

Now I understand that this requires you to slow things down in almost like a half speed kind of way.

所以实际上很难在当下做到这一点。

So not really so able to do this in the moment.

但如果你回溯，想想之前发生过哪些感受。

But if you reflect, think about the feelings that happened right before.

你正在经历什么，从而促使你去寻找它？

What are you experiencing that you're looking for?

然后之后会发生什么？

And then what happens after?

再之后可能还会发生更多。

And maybe a little bit more after.

如果在那一刻我对自己的感觉更坚定一些，那会是什么样子？

What would it look like if I felt a little bit more solid about myself in that moment?

比如说，我们用一个经典的例子。

So say for example, we'll use a classic example.

如果你在社交媒体上发了一条内容，然后不断回去查看点赞数，也许因为你从事的是社交媒体影响工作，点赞、分享越多越好，显然这其中牵涉很多利益。

If you post something on social media and you constantly go back for the likes, maybe it's your business to have more likes and shares and because you do more influencing on social media and there's a lot at stake, obviously.

你会去查看数据指标。

You're going to check the metrics.

但你会有什么不同的做法？

But what would you do differently?

你会如何以不同的方式创作内容？

How would you create your content differently?

你会如何推广你的内容？

How would you then market your content?

如果你在那一刻不再追求具体的数字或点赞、帖子、分享带来的高度认可，你会如何改变你的策略？

How would you change your strategies if you weren't seeking the specific numbers or the high validation in the likes or the posts or the shares in that moment.

这需要大量的好奇心，而不是评判，正如我一开始所说的，因为一旦我们陷入评判性的自我批评漩涡，我们就已经偏离了正轨。

And it requires a lot of curiosity as opposed to judgment, like I said in the beginning, because once we get engaged in that judgmental self critic spiral downwards, we've already derailed ourselves.

但最终，我们非常希望找到这个问题的答案：如果我此刻感到自我怀疑，但它并没有影响我的价值，也没有影响我以任何方式参与的能力——无论是与他人、我的内容、我的工作、我的进步，无论以何种形式，我会做些什么？

But ultimately, we would love to find the answer to if I felt self doubt in this moment, but it didn't impact my worth and it didn't impact my capacity to engage in whatever way I'd like to engage, whether it's with other people, with my content, with my work, with my progress, in whatever way that looks, what would I be doing?

如果我依然抱着这种自我怀疑，但仍然继续前行，我会做些什么？

What would I do if I were holding on to this self doubt and still moving through it?

因为归根结底，如果我们说建立某种积极或稳固的自尊的唯一途径是通过关系，那么你就必须在关系中承担许多风险，才能建立起足够稳固的关系，这意味着你必须展现脆弱。

Because ultimately, if we say that the only way to build some sort of level of self esteem that's kind of positive or solid is through relationships, you're going to have to take a lot of risks within relationships in order to develop the relationships that are solid enough, which means you have to be vulnerable.

在你需要支持他人的时候，你必须学会有所保留。

You have to hold things back when it's time for you to support the other person.

你不能总是只索取、只索取、只索取。

You can't just always take take take.

有时候你需要问自己：你是不是那个总是愿意为他人付出的人？

There's moments where you have to ask if you're the person who always likes to be there for the other person.

在你感到不适的领域里，必然会存在某种脆弱性。

There's there's going to be an element of vulnerability for you in the area that you are uncomfortable with.

为了做到这一点，你显然必须感到非常、非常不舒服。

And in order to do that, you obviously have to be very, very uncomfortable.

那么问题来了，我能做些什么？

So the question is, what can I do?

我该如何支持自己？

How can I support myself?

我怎样才能确保自己不会退缩，而是在当下依然做出情感上脆弱的举动？

How can I make it that I'm not going to chicken out and still do the emotionally vulnerable thing in the moment?

我该如何一次又一次、再又一次地做到这一点？

And how can I do that over and over and over and over again?

好的。

Okay.

再次提醒，如果你想要更多这样的内容，这是我的《有意识地勇敢》系列，还有其他关于自信的播客集数。

Again, if you want more of this, this is my Brave on Purpose content and maybe other podcast episodes on confidence.

去了解一下吧。

So check that out.

所以在结束之前，我再重申一遍：渴望被认可并不是缺陷。

So just to reiterate before we close, feeling hungry for validation is not a flaw.

这表明在你生命中的某个阶段，你的内在世界没有得到持续的反映、看见、理解或认可等等。

It's a sign that at some point in your life, your inner world wasn't consistently mirrored, seen, understood, acknowledged, etcetera.

你的情感体验没有被充分接纳、看见、理解、认可，或允许存在。

And that your emotional experience wasn't fully held, seen, understood, acknowledged, or allowed to be there.

而要建立更稳固的自我感或价值感，我们希望它不再完全依赖他人，但为了开始感到更踏实，我们必须在情感上对他人敞开心扉。

And that building a steadier sense of self or a sense of worth, we want to move it from depending entirely on others, but we have to emotionally be vulnerable with others in order to start to feel a little bit more solid.

而且，正如人类本性所表明的那样，你本身没有任何问题。

And again, there is nothing wrong with you as the human race dictates.

这对我们的情感体验来说是至关重要的。

This is something that is imperative for our emotional experience.