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好吧，欢迎。
Well, welcome.
欢迎来到你妈妈的家。
Welcome to your mom's house.
我们回来了。
And we're back.
欢迎来到你妈妈家的又一集。
Welcome to another episode of your mom's house.
欢迎回来。
Welcome back.
在房间里。
In the building.
从拉莱西回来了。
Back from Lalesee.
你觉得怎么样？
What do you think?
哦哦，你已经拿到你的牛角面包了。
Oh oh, you already got your croissant.
你有多想念那种风味品尝师吗？
How much did you miss that flavored savor taster?
天啊。
Oh my god.
我刚到。
I just got in.
而且呃。
And Oh.
他们第一件事就是端来了奇乔邦巴牛角面包。
First thing they did was come with chichobomba croissants.
当然了。
Of course.
我回来后还没吃过呢。
I haven't even had them since I got back.
当然。
Of course.
它们太好吃了。
They're so good.
我们看着你。
We look at you.
你的脸，简直像光着一样。
Your face is, like, naked.
我知道。
I know.
我敢肯定观众现在都吓坏了。
I'm sure the viewers are freaked out right now.
我也是。
I am.
嗯，人们啊。
Well, people yeah.
他们让我想起他们有多不喜欢我的脸。
They they they remind me a lot of how much they don't like my face.
他们说，把你的东西长回来吧。
They're like, grow your shit back.
它在长。
It's growing.
它在长。
It's growing.
这感觉不错吧？
Doesn't that feel good?
是的。
Yeah.
当人们告诉你，他们说，你的脸怎么了？
When people tell you, they're like, what's up with your face?
对。
Yeah.
你看起来真蠢。
You look stupid.
他妈的糟透了。
Fucking bad.
你那张脸才有问题。
Your your face is what's fucked up.
我知道。
I know.
谢谢。
Thanks.
不过在你离开之后，我现在真的更加欣赏YMH了，你能听我说吗？
Can I tell you since you've been gone, though, I've really now have more of appreciation for YMH?
嗯。
Mhmm.
就是因为，我喜欢我们在这档节目里演奏和做的事情，这个我知道。
Just because, like, I love the shit that we play and do on this show, like this I know.
而且，这是两个妈妈，一个基因。
And, like, it's two mommies, one gene.
没错。
It is.
从来不会只有一个妈妈在两条腿上。
It's never one mommy in both the legs.
你明白我的意思吗？
Do you know what I mean?
总是两个妈妈，一对。
It's always two mommies, one pair.
对。
Right.
很高兴你回来了。
And I'm glad you're back.
我也很高兴回来。
I'm glad to be back.
我想念了
I missed
想你了。
missed you.
做这个节目也很有趣。
It's fun doing the show too.
真的很有趣。
It's so fun.
发生了很多疯狂的事情。
There's so much crazy shit happening.
在演播室里很有趣。
It's fun to be in studio.
我知道。
I know.
我知道。
I know.
嗨，各位。
Hi, guys.
嗨，汤姆。
Hi, Tom.
咋样啊，兄弟？
What's up, bro?
你怎么样啊，汤姆？
How you doing, Tom?
是的。
Yeah.
想死你们了。
Missed you guys.
我也想你了，伙计。
Missed you too, bud.
抱歉我今天一进来就那么急躁。
Sorry I came in so hot today.
没关系。
It's okay.
你确实做到了。
You did.
你一进来就带着明确的目标。
You you came in on a mission.
你就像说，走吧。
You're like, let's go.
嗯，我迟到了。
Well, I was late.
所以才这样。
That's why
我迟到了，你感到焦虑。
I came tardy, and you felt anxiety.
是的。
Yeah.
是的。
Yeah.
对。
Yeah.
懂吗？
Know?
我知道。
I know.
唯一的原因就是迟到了。
Was on the no other reason other than being late.
他们在工作室上方挂了巨大的、闪亮的霓虹灯招牌。
They put big, like, giant and, like, neon signs above the studio.
你就说，走吧。
You're just like, let's go.
是的。
Yeah.
我们走吧。
Let's go.
我当时就想，你没看到吗？
I'm like, you didn't see that?
你在说什么啊？
Like, what are you talking about?
我们走吧。
Let's go.
我还是不明白你在说什么。
I still don't know what you're talking about.
那些牌子在哪里？
Where are the where are the signs?
它们太棒了。
They're so good.
就在工作室外面。
They're right outside of the studio.
真的吗？
Really?
嗯嗯。
Mhmm.
我根本没有，我就是觉得我们得赶紧走。
I did not I did not I was just like, we gotta go.
好吧，现在
Well, now
既然提到了，你愿意告诉观众吗？
that we mentioned it, do you wanna tell the audience?
因为
Because
当然。
Sure.
对。
Yeah.
我
I
我的意思是，过去几周在家的晚上，我一直在学习电路和木工，所以我们一直想在工作室上方挂上标识牌。
mean, yeah, over the past couple weeks at home on nights, I've been learning circuitry and woodworking, and so we've wanted to put studio signs above the studios for the longest time.
我们的工作室分别叫FGT工作室和RTD工作室。
And our studios are named Studio FGT and Studio RTD.
哇。
Wow.
上面挂着巨大的FGT和RTD标识牌。
There's a giant FGT and RTD signs above
这太酷了。
That's really cool.
在两个工作室上方。
Above both studios.
天哪。
Oh, jeez.
你的牛仔裤现在又高又紧。
Your jeans are so high and tight right now.
哥们儿，我为你感到骄傲。
I'm so proud of you, man.
又高又紧。
So high and tight.
我真的很佩服。
And I'm impressed.
谢谢。
Thank you.
我真的很佩服。
I'm impressed.
谢谢。
Thank you.
是的。
Yeah.
这真的很有趣。
It's it's been fun.
这太酷了。
That's very cool.
他把时间用得真好。
It's such a great use of his time.
我也喜欢他在空闲时间做这件事。
I like that he did it in his spare time too.
这就是我们儿子将来要做的事。
That's what our son's gonna be doing.
木工。
Woodworking.
哦。
Oh.
是的。
Yeah.
孩子，我的孩子，我们的孩子，不是我的孩子，特别喜欢木工。
Kids my kids our kid our kid, not my kid, is so into woodworking.
是的。
Yeah.
他总是说：‘我做了这个东西。’
He's always like, I made this thing.
太酷了。
It's so rad.
那是什么？
What is it?
他说：‘是个铅笔削笔器。’
He's like, it's a pencil sharpener.
你也可以用它当锤子。
You can also use it as a hammer.
好的。
Okay.
就是那个像《我的世界》的吗？
Which, which one like the Minecraft?
埃利斯。
Ellis.
是的。
Yeah.
他很喜欢那个积木套装。
And he's into the building set.
给他买一个电路套装， basically 就是红石那种。
Get him get him a circuitry set that's basically redstone.
天哪！
Shut the front door.
我在亚马逊上哪儿能买到这玩意？
Where do I get that shit on Amazon?
对。
Yeah.
嘿。
Yo.
直接搜一下电路入门套装。
Just look up circuitry, like, starter set.
我可以
Can I
告诉你吗？
tell you?
哦，我来买。
Oh, I'll get it.
我能跟你说说我和这些小子干了什么吗？
Can I tell you what I did with these boys?
上周末我们去露营了。
We went glamping last weekend.
露营？
Glamping?
就像露营，但更精致一些。
It's like camping, but, like, fancy.
就像白人的那种玩意儿。
It's like white people shit.
是的。
Yeah.
对。
Yeah.
白人的那种玩意儿。
White people shit.
对。
Yeah.
而且，我从来没点过灯。
And, which I've never lights.
我以前从来没露营过。
I've never been camping before.
这根本不存在。
Like, that doesn't exist.
总之，我从亚马逊买了些生存装备。
Anyway, I bought them survival kits from Amazon.
哦，好吧。
Oh, okay.
而且我
And I
意思是真正的装备，比如斧头、刀、打火石、帐篷。
mean real ones with, like, axe, an axe, a knife, a flint, a a tent.
没错。
Hell, yeah.
而它们唯一的作用就是生火
And they all they did was start fires
给孩子们用的。
for kids.
只是看了些火灾的视频。
Saw was just videos of fires.
斧头，老兄。
Axe, bro.
那简直太酷了，作为一位斯拉夫妈妈，我简直自豪得不得了。
It was the coolest thing ever, and I couldn't feel prouder as, like, a Slavic mom.
这就是小男孩们该做的事。
Like, this is what little boys should do.
然后我看了他们
And then I watched them
太爱了。
Fucking love it.
看那个救援节目。
Watch the extraction show.
是的。
Yeah.
这就是我们热衷于生存技能的原因。
That's why we are into survival.
是的。
Yeah.
然后那个家伙根本生不了火，他们就说：看看这个蠢货。
And then the guy was, like, couldn't make a fire and, like, they're like, look at this fucking chump.
连火都生不起来。
Can't even make a fire.
这人真是个失败者。
This guy's a loser.
我当时就想：没错。
I was like, yep.
这很好。
It's good.
生火真的很难。
It's so hard to make a fire.
你试过吗？
Have you tried?
没有。
No.
我没试过。
I haven't.
因为你如果有一把斧头和火石，是可以打出火花的，但你必须非常快速地操作，让火花点燃引火物。
It's because you can get a spark, right, if you have, like, an axe and then the flint, but you have to do it so rapidly that the sparks catch on the Tinder.
我看过一集
I watched the
太难了。
So hard.
就是那个节目里的，人们身处荒野，他们的朋友和家人在观看，大家都会交流那个身处荒野的人的状况，他们会定期空投一些东西，比如
Episode with them where if for this show that people don't know, people are out in the wild wilderness, and then their friends and family are watching them and you all they all kind of communicate about what the status of the person in the wilderness and they do these drops of like
补给品。
Supply drops.
补给投放。
Supply drops.
所以有一个家伙，他们说：天啊，他饿坏了。
So this one guy, they're like, man, he's hungry.
大家都同意让他得到一些好东西。
And everybody kind of agrees to let him get something good.
是的。
Yeah.
于是他们投放了一块肉，像牛排一样，厚厚的。
So they drop off a, a slab of meat, like a steak, a fat
这是给伍迪的。
That's for Woody.
伍迪拿到了吗？
Did Woody get it?
是的。
Yeah.
是的。
Yeah.
伍迪是个懒惰的混蛋。
Woody's a lazy piece of shit.
嗯，这个该死的家伙
Well, this fucking guy
他
He
得到了一块牛排，而且他很饿。
gets a steak and he's hungry.
他真的很饿。
He's really hungry.
是的。
Yeah.
而且牛排是用铸铁煎锅装着的。
And it's like a cast iron skillet with the steak.
所以他就说，好吧，我想我得试着生个火，你知道的，来烤这块牛排。
So he's like, well, I guess I gotta try to make a fire, you know, to cook the steak.
然后他们展示他尝试了大概一分钟。
And tried they show him trying for like a minute.
他心想，去他的，生不了火，于是那个远程观看的人就说，哦，我吃过生牛肉鞑靼，我想他干脆就直接吃生的吧。
He's like fuck that, can't make a then so then the guy watching remotely is like well I've had beef carpaccio you know he'll just I guess he's just gonna eat that shit raw.
他饿坏了，真的非常饿。
He's starving, he's really hungry.
然后镜头切到了伍迪。
And they cut to Woody.
他说，我要把这块牛排扔进湖里。
He's like, I'm a throw this steak in the lake.
他径直走到湖边，把牛排扔了进去。
And he just walks down the lake and throws it in the lake.
伍迪。
Woody.
大家都说：不行。
And everyone's like, no.
他却说：唉，根本生不了火。
And he's like, well, you know, fucking no fire.
有些人就是这样
That's how some
行事的。
people operate.
我想我只能饿着了
I guess I'll starve his
很多人都是这样。
lot of people operate.
只是让你知道一下，Woody，在前几集中，当你身处野外时，必须把河里的水煮沸后才能喝。
Well, just so you know, so Woody, in the first few episodes so you know when you're in the wilderness, you have to boil the water from the river before you drink it.
当然。
Sure.
否则你会
Otherwise You
拉肚子。
get diarrhea.
严重生病。
Violently ill.
所以伍迪，在第一集里就说，唉，生不了火。
So Woody, in, like, episode one's like, well, can't build a fire.
我肯定很渴。
I'm sure I'm thirsty.
他走到河边，你就看到他猛灌水。
And he goes to the river, and you just see him gulping.
他喝了，就像
Like, he drank, like,
一
a
一加仑这种水。
gallon of of this water.
当然，镜头切到他剧烈呕吐的画面。
And, of course, cut to him puking violently.
他病得真严重。
He's so sick.
他就是无法
He just can't
他为什么不能多努力一点生火呢，
Why couldn't he make a bigger effort to start that fire,
对吧？
though?
而且他是执法人员。
And he's law enforcement.
他来自执法部门。
He comes from, like, the law enforcement.
他有引火物。
Had kindling.
他什么都有，但他就是说：算了，这火点不起来。
He had all the he was just like, well, that's just no fire.
他根本马上就放弃了。
Like, he just gave up immediately.
我知道。
I know.
所以我给我那两个孩子——一个七岁、一个十岁——买了生存套装。
That's why I bought my children a seven and 10 year old survival kit.
我当时就想，如果这些蠢货都点不着火的话。
And I was like, if these retards can't figure out how to do fire.
那他们就是蠢货。
Well, they are retards.
女士。
Lady.
我说，这不可能，耶稣啊。
I go, there's no way Jesus.
绝对不可能，蠢货。
No fucking way Retard.
这些白痴？我的孩子比这些该死的蠢货聪明多了。
That these idiots my children are smarter than these fucking retards.
他们确实更聪明。
They are.
完全就是智障。
Fully retarded.
我们七岁的孩子都能在这混蛋面前生火。
And our my seven year old can light a fire in this asshole.
你用了那个词。
You use a r word.
你能相信吗？
Can you believe that?
不。
No.
你不能。
You can't.
真的，我们的两个孩子，你知道我還做了什麼嗎？
Literally, our two children and you know what I did too?
什麼？
What?
我給我們後院買了一個Solo Stove，這樣他們可以繼續學習點火和玩火。
I bought a solo stove for our backyard so that they can continue learning to light and and play with fire.
很好。
Great.
幾個小縱火犯。
A couple little arsonists.
好主意。
Great idea.
好吧。
Alright.
让我们开始吧。
Let's start the show.
你准备好了吗？
You ready to do this?
是的。
Yeah.
我们开始了。
Here we go.
是的。
Yeah.
给你。
Here you go.
大家好。
Hey, everybody.
我为你而来。
I'm a trip for you.
亲吻送给你。
Kiss for you.
不管怎样，我正在等待一次商务旅行，去参加一个盛大的派对。
Anyway, I'm I'm waiting for a business trip for a great party.
我感谢你为我兑现了一美元。
I appreciate it for cash out for a dollar sign.
亲吻四三一。
Kiss four three one.
我是食物。
I'm food.
这玩意儿
This shit
是假的
is fake
时间。
time.
谁
Who
错了？
is wrong?
别带这种他妈的人来。
Don't bring anyone mother like this.
你妈，他妈的死哪儿去了？
Your mom, where the fuck is dead?
欢迎。
Welcome.
最糟糕的人。
The worst person.
欢迎来到你妈家，和汤姆·塞格拉一起。
Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura.
汤姆·塞格拉。
Tom Segura.
你有感觉了。
You're feeling it.
你看起来像保罗·谢弗。
You look like Paul Schafer.
他在这儿。
There he is.
记得吗？
Remember?
大家都去吃Chipotle吧。
Everybody have a chipotle.
还记得保罗·谢弗吗？
Remember Paul Schafer?
谢弗，我为现金感谢你。
I appreciate it for cash, Schafer.
2431美元。
Dollar sign 2431.
你就是魔鬼。
You're the you're the devil.
我简直不敢相信这个惊喜。
I can't believe surprise.
他简直在求着要吃的，汤姆。
He's, like, begging for food, Tom.
食物和钱。
Food and money.
对。
Yeah.
食物和钱。
Food and money.
耶稣。
Jesus
基督啊。
Christ.
是的。
Yeah.
他是美国人，还是说他是爱尔兰人？
What is he American or, like, is he Irish?
不是。
No.
他是沙特人。
He's Saudi.
是的。
Yeah.
他他妈的是个美国人。
He's a fucking American.
是的。
Yeah.
当然。
Of course.
是的。
Yeah.
不。
No.
他啊。
He yeah.
他是美国人，但为什么我们听不懂他说话？
He's American, but why can't we understand him?
他中风了吗？
Did he have stroke?
事情。
Things.
不。
No.
这不仅仅是用药的问题。
That's not just drugging.
他状态不错，可能是长期如此了。
He's well, like, maybe years of it.
我们再放一遍吧。
Let's play it again.
我得好好研究一下。
I gotta study it.
好的。
Alright.
嘿，大家好。
Hey, everybody.
我给你们安排了一次旅行。
I have a trip for you.
我要去佛罗里达旅行。
Have a trip I'm for in Florida.
展开剩余字幕（还有 480 条）
嘿，伙计。
Hey, buddy.
我有个旅行安排给你。
I got I got a trip for you.
我得给你看看佛罗里达的一些地方。
I got some show you some in Florida.
我正在等一趟去格里芬地区的商务旅行。
I'm waiting for a business trip for a Griffon area.
该死。
Fuck.
我祖父的格里芬商务旅行。
The Griffin business trip for my grandfather.
他们有
They got
他们为我祖父安排了这次旅行。
they got this trip for my grandfather.
感谢你使用Cash App。
Appreciate it for Cash App.
感谢
Appreciate
的。
it.
Cash App。
Cash App.
是的。
Yeah.
哦。
Oh.
243美元。
Dollar sign two four three wood.
美元符号什么的
Dollar sign something
我可以免费砍柴。
And I can chop free wood.
哦，我可以砍？Cash App，我可以免费砍柴？
Oh, I can chop oh, Cash App, I can chop free wood?
是的。
Yeah.
让我看看。
Let me see.
243木。
Two four three wood.
免费的木头。
A free wood.
243木。
Two four three wood.
我们这里有四个。
There's a four we got.
我有一个四，我有一个四。
I got a four I got a four got.
我忘了。
I got a forgot.
我在吃饭。
I'm having food.
我坐在椅子上。
I'm in my chair.
是的。
Yeah.
这实际上是星期天。
This is actually Sunday.
上帝保佑你。
God bless you right here.
耶稣基督。
Jesus Christ.
耶稣基督。
Jesus Christ.
只是帮一下弄点吃的。
Just a help for food.
耶稣基督，我祈祷。
Jesus Christ, I pray.
阿门。
Amen.
祈祷阿门。
Pray amen.
他祈祷了。
He prayed.
我有奶酪和切达奶酪。
I have cheese and a cheddar.
他告诉你他喜欢奶酪。
He's telling you that he likes cheese.
到这个时候，撒旦到底是谁呢？
At this point, who's Satan, though?
是我还是你？
Is it me or is it you?
是你。
It's you.
是你，因为你把这事提出来了。
It's you because you brought it to attention.
我会私下里对这件事发笑。
I would laugh at this privately.
我可能会私下把这发给你。
I might send this to you privately.
我不确定我是否会播放这个。
I don't know if I play this.
但你看，这正是我们是好人原因。
But see, that's why we're good people.
因为每个人都在互相转发这些东西，他们却说，这种事不能在公共场合做。
Because everyone is sending this shit to each other, and they're like, it's not okay to do this in public.
而这个节目让你明白，你可以在公共场合做。
And what this show does is it lets you know, do it in public.
你可以在公共场合嘲笑那些小事。
You can laugh in public at the less.
别感到羞耻。
Don't be ashamed.
别感到羞耻。
Don't be ashamed.
说到脱发产品时，你可能会觉得所有的钱都打了水漂，却看不到任何效果。
When it comes to hair loss products, it can feel like all of your money has gone down the drain without seeing any results.
使用Hims，你得到的不只是另一个试试看的产品。
With Hims, you're not just getting another product to try.
他们提供清晰的解决方案、专业指导，以及一个能消除护理困惑的在线流程。
They provide clear solutions, expert guidance, and an online process that takes the confusion out of care.
Hims 专注于使用真正有效的成分制成的处方脱发治疗产品，形式包括咀嚼片、口服药物、精华液和喷雾。
Hims specializes in prescription hair loss treatments made with ingredients that actually work and come in chews, oral medications, serums, and sprays.
产品富含医生信赖的成分，如非那雄胺和米诺地尔，可在短短三到六个月时间内阻止进一步脱发并促进毛发再生。
Packed with doctor trusted ingredients like finasteride and minoxidil to stop further hair loss and facilitate regrowth in as little as three to six months.
如需便捷地在线获取针对脱发、减重等需求的个性化且实惠的护理服务，请访问 hims.com/ymh。
For simple online access to personalized and affordable care for hair loss, weight loss, and more, visit hims.com/ymh.
访问 hims.com/ymh 即可享受免费在线问诊。
That's hims.com/ymh for your free online visit.
hims.com/ymh。
Hims.com/ymh.
所推荐的产品包括复合药物，这些产品未经美国食品药品监督管理局（FDA）批准或验证其安全性、有效性或质量。
Featured products include compounded drug products, which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety, effectiveness, or quality.
需凭处方购买。
Prescription required.
详情、限制条件及重要安全信息请参阅官网。
See website for full details, restrictions, and important safety information.
个体效果可能因外用和口服米诺地尔与非那雄胺的研究而异。
Individual results may vary based on studies of topical and oral minoxidil and finasteride.
春天即将到来，随之而来的可能是过敏问题。
Spring is right around the corner, and with that can come combating allergies.
但你可能不知道的是，如果你受到季节性过敏原的影响，身体需要更多睡眠来恢复。
But what you may not know is that if you're struck by seasonal allergens, your body needs more sleep to recover.
因此，当花粉指数让你疲惫不堪时，你需要一张靠得住的床垫，而这正是Helix最擅长的。
That's why you need a mattress you can count on when the pollen count has you down, and that's what Helix does best.
我们睡在Helix床垫上，我非常喜欢它。
We sleep on a Helix mattress, and I absolutely adore it.
它既柔软又坚实，完美至极。
It's so soft, so firm, it's so perfect.
它就是一切。
It is everything.
为了证明Helix的睡眠效果有科学依据，他们进行了一项研究，发现82%的参与者在使用Helix床垫后深度睡眠周期有所增加。
To prove that Helix is good sleep down to a science, they ran a study and found eighty two percent of those involved saw an increase in their deep sleep cycle while on a Helix mattress.
他们还会免费送货上门，将你的新睡眠盒子直接送到你家门口，覆盖全美任何地区。
They'll even bring your new bedtime box right to your door with free shipping and seamless delivery anywhere in The US.
你可以安心入睡，因为Helix的‘满意保证’为你提供无缝的退货和换货服务。
And you can rest easy knowing that Happy With Helix guarantee has you covered with seamless returns and exchanges.
Helix还提供120晚睡眠试用期和有限终身保修，确保你获得顶级的优质睡眠。
Helix also provides a one hundred and twenty night sleep trial and a limited lifetime warranty to ensure you're satisfied in getting top shelf shut eye.
前往 helixsleep.com/ymh，享受27%的折扣。
Go to helixsleep.com/ymh for 27% off wide.
访问 helixsleep.com/ymh，享受27%的网站折扣。
That's helixsleep.com/ymh for 27% off-site wide.
结账后请务必输入我们的节目名称，以便他们知道是我们推荐的你。
Make sure you enter our show name after checkout so they know we sent you.
Helix.com/ymh。
Helix.com/ymh.
我能告诉你我昨天在公园散步时看到什么了吗？
Can I tell you what I saw on my walk yesterday in the park?
什么？
What?
老兄，我昨天在公园里看到一个坐轮椅的老人。
Dude, I saw a guy in a wheelchair, like an old guy.
他的护士在推着他。
Like, his nurse was pushing him.
他笑了吗？
And he laughed?
事情是这样的。
Well, here's the thing.
是的。
Yeah.
尽管天气有80度，他却盖着毯子。
He was wearing a blanket even though it's, like, 80 degrees.
那就是老年人的做派。
Like, that's that elderly.
是的。
Yeah.
但老兄，他脸上居然有结痂。
But, dude, he had, like, crust on his face.
为什么老年人会生疖子啊？
Like, why do old people get carbuncles
疖子？
on Carbuncles?
你懂我的意思吧？
You know what I'm saying?
就像船上那些东西一样。
Like, the shit that's on ships.
他脸上的是藤壶？
It was on his Barnacles?
藤壶。
Barnacles.
藤壶。
Barnacles.
那什么是疖子？
Well, what's a carbuncle?
是你编出来的。
Something you made up.
这个词更好。
It's a better word.
我喜欢‘疖子’这个词。
I like carbuncle.
我的意思是，如果你问他，这家伙可能还盼着长个疖子呢。
I mean, this guy's probably looking to get a carbuncle if you ask him.
嘿，老兄。
Hey, man.
我现在没法给你发Cash App。
I can't send you to Cash App right now.
你说得对。
You're right.
天哪。
Oh my god.
你说得对。
You're right.
我怎么知道的？
How did I know that?
你怎么知道的？
How did you know that?
我不这么认为。
I don't think so.
这太疯狂了。
That's crazy.
嗯，疖子是一种深部的、由感染的毛囊组成的疼痛性簇群。
Well, a carbuncle is a painful deep seated cluster of infected hair follicles.
你咋知道的？
Fuck did you know that?
我不知道。
I don't know.
我不清楚。
I don't.
我是从耶稣那里获得的启示。
I I channeled it from Jesus.
我完全不知道。
I have no idea.
出现在后颈或大腿时，会导致红色肿块、发烧和疲劳。
Coming on the back neck or thighs, they cause red swollen lumps, fever, and fatigue.
治疗包括热敷、抗生素，有时需要手术引流。
Treatment includes warm compresses, antibiotics, sometimes surgical drainage.
里面充满了脓。
Filled with pus.
呃。
Ugh.
但是，为什么他们不刮掉
But, like, why don't they scrape
用那个把它们刮掉。
dice out of here with that.
从他们脸上？
Off of their faces?
为什么他们不把老人脸上的藤壶刮掉？
Why don't they take the barnacles off the faces of old people?
你知道为什么吗？
You know why?
为什么？
Why?
因为你就知道，你快不行了。
Because you're just you'd know you're about you're it's about over.
所以你就放任它去吧。
So you just go, just let it go.
我不在乎了。
I don't care anymore.
作为你的配偶，我能向你许个诺吗？
Can I make you a promise as your spouse?
好的。
Yeah.
我不会让你的脸变得粗糙。
I won't let your face get crusty.
疖子？
Carbuncles?
我不会让你长那些疖子。
I won't let those carbuncles.
谢谢你。
Thank you.
现在你向我保证。
Thank Now you promise me.
喂？
Hello?
什么？
What?
不。
No.
现在你说，我也爱你。
Now you say, I love you too.
我会把您脸上的疖子刮掉。
I will scrape the carbuncles off of your face.
我还没吃过羊角面包。
I haven't had a croissant
像这样的。
like this.
该死的你。
Goddamn you.
好久不见。
In so long.
太好吃了。
It's so delicious.
天啊。
God.
很好吃。
It's delicious.
不爱我。
Doesn't love me.
我非常爱你。
I love you so much.
根本一点都不爱我。
Doesn't love me at all.
你知道这有多悲伤吗？
You know how sad it is?
我是狗，他是猫。
I'm the dog, and he's the cat.
我爱你。
I love you.
我爱你。
I love you.
很好。
Good.
太好了。
So good.
所以我去
So I go
为领结找方式。
to way for a bow tie.
我是乔·波，你和乔·乔·波来自中世纪。
I am Joe Poe and you and Joe Joe Poe from the middle age.
我们要去看看的。
And we are we're gonna see yeah.
我拥有这些山和我们的母狗们。
I own the mountains to our bitches.
我和经理谈过了。
And I talked to the manager.
她说不行。
She said, no.
你不是。
You're not.
是的。
Yes.
我是。
I am.
你欠我一份信任。
And you owe me trustworthy.
停下。
Stop.
我明白他跟经理谈过了，我觉得她指控他非法侵入。
I did understand that he talked to the manager, and I think she accused him of trespassing.
那是对的吗？
Is that was that right?
为什么
Why do
我太喜欢这种事了？
I love this shit so much?
因为用你的母语尝试破解这些事情很有趣。
Because it's fun to try to decipher things in your native tongue.
不过，基拉尼的醉汉在某种意义上更难对付。
Well, the Killarney drunk was harder in a way.
但现在我想，这个人更难懂，因为这就像你说的，是个术语。
But then now I'm thinking this guy is more difficult because it's our like you said, a term.
美国的。
American.
是的。
Yeah.
但我还是不明白这个人。
And I still can't understand this man.
但他确实说经理指控他非法侵入。
But he did say the manager accused him of trespassing.
对吧？
Right?
他最后说的是这个吗？
Is that what he said at the end?
有人吗？
Anybody?
不是吗？
No?
我养了一只老鼠。
I own a mouse.
曾经是，
Was,
我跟经理谈过了。
I talked to the manager.
她说，没有。
She said, no.
你不是。
You're not.
是的。
Yes.
我是。
Am.
而你
And you
想要被信任。
wanna be trusted.
你正在非法侵入。
You're trespassing.
别那样做。
Don't do that.
你将会非法侵入。
You're gonna be trespassing.
经理说可以，先生。
Manager said yes, sir.
我说了，不行。
I said, no.
我不是。
I'm not.
是的。
Yeah.
这真的很有趣
That's a really interesting
我觉得他可能是在分发那些东西，经理说：绝对不行。
think he was he was probably passing those out, and the manager was like, better fucking not.
哦，因为他可能在分发宗教相关的东西？
Oh, because he's probably into is he passing out God stuff?
也许宗教东西也有生意。
Maybe God stuff had a business.
经理说：不行。
Manager was like, no.
不行。
No.
不行。
No.
唔唔。
Mm-mm.
你不能在这里做这种事。
You cannot be in here doing that.
我最讨厌男人的，除了脸上的疖子，还有什么？
I hate can I tell you what I hate the most on men besides carbuncles on your face?
什么？
What?
就是他们嘴巴周围结满干皮那样，你看着就讨厌。
Is when their mouths get all crusty like that and all You like it
女人也会这样吗？
on women?
女人一般不会有这个问题。
Women tend not to have this issue.
哦，因为她们更注意保养嘴唇和脸部。
Oh, because they take care of their lips more and their faces.
角落里的泡沫是什么？
What is that foam in the corners?
如果他住在街上的话。
If he lives on the street.
你可以用袖子擦嘴。
You can wipe your mouth on your sleeve.
天哪。
Jesus.
但你不会觉得他有镜子吧？
But it's not a you think he has mirrors?
没有。
No.
但你能感觉到当你的脸全是……我不说。
But you can feel when your face is all I don't
他认为自己感觉不到脸。
think he can feel his face.
我不觉得他的脸在自己做主。
I don't think his face is doing its own thing.
明白吗？
K?
天啊。
Jesus.
你怎么了？
What's wrong with you?
来吧，我们赶紧清理一下味觉。
Here, let's let's make something let's cleanse our palate real quick.
这对我挺好的。
That was good for me.
我不需要。
I don't need it.
为全脂牛奶干杯！
Three cheers for a whole milk.
呃。
Ugh.
呃。
Ugh.
不错的东西。
Good stuff.
这真是一个真正的广告。
That's a real that's a real ad.
我喜欢。
I love it.
我喜欢这个。
I love this.
有没有比这更奇怪却真实发布过的东西？
Is there a weirder thing that is genuine that has been released?
我太喜欢了。
I love it so much.
那就是本·卡森，就是那种说‘喝牛奶吧’，然后他还说这牛奶真的有
That's Ben Carson just being like drink milk, and then he's like, it's it it has
你看过那位刚被特朗普政府解雇的女士推出的‘我们正在处理’活动吗？
Have you seen the we're on it campaign from the lady that just got fired from the Trump administration?
克里斯蒂·诺姆？
Christy Noem?
是的。
Yeah.
她曾经是南达科他州的最高领导人。
She was the the prime leader of South Dakota at one point.
你去查一下这个。
Look this up.
最高领导人？
The prime leader?
最高首席部长。
The prime supreme minister.
你在说州长吗？
Are you talking about governor?
天啊。
God.
我听过这些。
I've heard these.
谁在乎？
Who cares?
老一套，换个说法而已。
Same shit different, Doily.
好吧。
Okay.
你看她，所以南达科他州有甲基苯丙胺问题。
Look at her so they had a meth problem in South Dakota.
等一下。
Hold on.
暂停一下。
Press pause.
让我先设置好。
Let me set this up.
所以他们那里有甲基苯丙胺问题，是的。
So they had a meth problem Mhmm.
在南达科他州。
In South Dakota.
顺便说一下，昨晚布莱恩·辛普森给我看了这个。
Shout out to Brian Simpson for showing me this last night, by the way.
好的。
Okay.
于是她决定发起一场运动。
So she decided to start a campaign.
她花了数百万美元，标语是‘甲基苯丙胺，我们已着手应对’。
She spent millions of dollars, and the slogan the slogan is meth, we're on it.
我发誓。
I swear to god.
这是真的。
This is real.
继续吧。
Go ahead.
我吸食冰毒。
I'm on meth.
我吸食冰毒。
I'm on meth.
我也在坚持。
I'm on it too.
我也是。
So am I.
我也是。
So am I.
我也在用甲基苯丙胺。
I'm on meth.
甲基苯丙胺不是别人的问题。
Meth is not someone else's problem.
它是南达科他州每个人的问题。
It's everyone in South Dakota's problem.
我们需要每个人都参与进来。
And we need everyone to get on it.
我在参与。
I'm on it.
我在参与。
I'm on it.
我也在参与。
I'm on it too.
我们都在参与。
We're on it.
你见过比这更蠢的事吗？
Isn't that the stupidest thing you've ever seen?
你觉得有人告诉过他们这是什么意思吗？
You think anyone told them what that meant?
就是他们在做这件事的时候？
Like, as they were doing this?
没有。
No.
嘿。
Hey.
听起来你说的是你们已经在做了。
It sounds like you're saying you're on it.
是的。
Yeah.
就是说，没错，我们在做。
Like, yeah, we are.
不。
No.
不。
No.
但我们已经掌控了情况。
But We're on top of it.
是的。
Yeah.
我们已经掌控了，这正是所需要的。
We're top of it, and that's what it needs.
我们正在处理这件事。
We're taking care of it.
对。
Yeah.
完美。
That's perfect.
这难道不令人惊叹吗？
Isn't that amazing?
是的。
Yeah.
这太完美了。
That's perfect.
但就是这样，这就是我们有多愚蠢。
But just like that, but that's this is how stupid we are.
这是三。
This is Three
为全脂牛奶干杯。
cheers for a whole milk.
它
It's
真的。
real.
我们现在正在做这个。
This is what we are doing now.
很棒的东西。
Good stuff.
这是最恶心的。
It's the grossest.
它就像一个
It's like a
很棒的东西。
Good stuff.
埃里克和蒂姆，精彩的节目。
Eric and Tim, awesome show.
是的。
Yeah.
确实如此。
It totally is.
是的。
Yeah.
你可以听到他发出
And you can hear him go
哦，这最糟糕了。
Oh, that's the worst.
他们根本没有把那个混音去掉。
Like, they didn't mix that out of it.
他们就像是
They're like
让我再听一遍。
Let me hear it again.
太奇怪了。
So strange.
令人作呕。
Disgusting.
为全脂牛奶干杯。
Cheers for whole milk.
听好了。
Listen.
然后他留了胡子。
And then he gets the mustache.
是的。
Yeah.
很棒的东西。
Good stuff.
看到了吗？
See?
很棒的东西。
Good stuff.
很棒的东西。
Good stuff.
是的。
Yeah.
这就像个笑话。
It's like a joke.
好东西。
Good stuff.
是的。
Yeah.
这本可以出现在神学院里。
This could be on seminary.
完全没错。
It's totally.
这太糟糕了。
This is horrible.
嗯，它确实让人想喝牛奶。
Well, it certainly makes people want milk.
这个人是谁？
Who is this man?
本·卡森博士？
Doctor Ben Carson?
他不是曾经参选过总统吗？
Didn't he run for president at one point?
是的。
Did.
是的。
Yeah.
哦，天哪。
Oh, wow.
嗯，我想他确实不错。
Well, he does have I guess it's good.
是的。
Yeah.
不过牛奶喝起来像黏液。
Tastes like mucus, though, milk.
是不是觉得味道最恶心了？
Doesn't it taste the grossest?
我讨厌喝牛奶。
I hate drinking milk.
喝起来像
Tastes like
屎。
shit.
喝起来就像他妈的对。
Tastes like fucking yeah.
是不是就喝起来像一杯
Doesn't it just taste like a cup of
加了牛奶的热水？
hot water like milk?
我从来就不喜欢牛奶。
I never liked milk ever.
小时候也不喜欢。
Not even as a kid.
对。
No.
我不明白为什么他们要我们喝这么多脂肪。
I don't know why are they telling us to drink cups of fat.
我想，如果你营养不良的话？
I guess if you're if you're Malnourished?
是的。
Yeah.
它确实是
It's it is
也许来自
Maybe from
冰毒？
meth?
喝牛奶来
Drink the milk to
盐你的牛奶。
salt your Drink milk.
我们正在处理。
We're on it.
#上帝正在试图行动。
Hashtag god is trying to move.
它装满了牛奶。
It's got full milk.
就像我说‘满杯牛奶’的时候，马上兑现。
Like, cash cash out when I say, full milk.
现金美国。
Cash America.
是的
Yeah.
对
Yeah.
这太疯狂了。
That's pretty crazy.
特朗普。
Trump.
我每项认知测试都考得很好，因为我喝牛奶。
I've aced every cognitive test because I drink milk.
耶稣基督。
Jesus Christ.
太离谱了。
So insane.
这个世界简直就是愚昧统治。
This world is just odiocracy.
还记得迈克·贾吉的那部电影吗？
Remember that Mike Judge movie?
当然记得。
Of course.
那部电影真是先知般的预言。
That was prophetic.
那这个呢？
How about this?
说吧。
Go ahead.
这真是令人极度失望。
This is such such a disappointment.
马桶垫的创作者是个同性恋。
The Squatty Potty creator is a chomo.
不会吧。
No.
你能
Can you
相信吗？
believe that?
我讨厌这个。
I hate that.
罗伯特·爱德华兹，来自犹他州艾文斯的50岁企业家，Squatty Potty的联合创始人，因涉嫌接收儿童虐待内容而被联邦起诉。
Robert Edwards, the 50 year old entrepreneur from Ivins, Utah, original co founder of the Squatty Potty, federally indicted on allegedly receiving child abuse material.
太好了。
Great.
是的。
Yeah.
这真的很棒。
It's really nice.
我想知道现在Squatty Potty的用户们会有什么感受。
And I wonder how Squatty Potty owners feel at this point.
我反对。
I'm against it.
他在这儿。
There he is.
他在这儿。
There he is.
他正在蹲着并且
There he is squatting and
上厕所。
pottying.
天啊。
Man.
哦，他那副表情，是的，那副奇怪的脸。
Oh, he's got that, yeah, that weird face.
对。
Yeah.
哦，藏起来的东西。
Oh, the stash.
哎哟。
Oof.
我得告诉你。
I gotta tell you.
没有什么比一个男人坐在Squatty Potty上更没吸引力了。
Nothing is less attractive than a man sitting on a Squatty Potty.
哦，你不喜欢这样？
Oh, you don't like that?
我觉得这非常贬低人、让人失尊严。
I find it to be so demeaning and diminishing.
你经常看到男人用Squatty Potty吗？
Do you see a lot of men on the Squatty Potty?
罗布·艾勒承认他家里有一个，而且当有女孩来访时，他从不把Squatty Potty从马桶旁移开。
Rob Eiler confessed to having one in his home and that when a girl comes over, he doesn't move the Squatty Potty away from the toilet.
比如，如果有位女士来访
Like, if you had a lady coming over
你会把你的Squatty Potty收起来。
You'd move your Squatty Potty.
你会不会觉得羞愧
Wouldn't you be ashamed
吗？
of it?
是的。
Yeah.
我会把很多厕所里的东西都收起来。
I'd move a lot of toilet stuff.
对。
Yeah.
你会试图装作，我根本不用马桶。
You try to be like, I don't even use the toilet.
当然。
Of course.
但你知道吗，
But you know what The
那最简单的地方是他说他在淋浴时清洗它。
easiest part about that was that he said he washes it in the shower.
什么？
What?
在淋浴时。
In the shower.
罗布吗？
Rob does?
是的。
Yes.
是的。
Yes.
他洗，就是说，他
He washes Like, he
他会在淋浴间清洗Squatty Potty。
wash he cleans the Squatty Potty in the shower.
你为什么要清洗Squatty Potty？
Why do you clean the Squatty Potty?
如果有客人要来。
If he has company coming over.
如果有女士要来，他不会把Squatty Potty拿走。
If a lady's coming over, he doesn't get rid of the Squatty Potty.
他会把它放进淋浴间，清洗干净，然后再放回去，这样看起来就很干净。
He puts it in the shower, cleans it off, and then puts it back so that it looks clean.
可是，你不会真的在上面排便吧，对吧？
Well, how dirty you don't shit on the actual
你的脚是踩在Squatty Potty上的。
Squatty your feet on there.
你看。
Look.
这个邋遢鬼穿着鞋在家里走来走去，在我看来简直太恶心了。
This dirtbag has his shoes on in the house, which is fucking disgusting in my opinion.
黑人会在家里穿鞋吗？
Do black people wear shoes in their house?
什么？
What?
什么？
What?
有些文化是会脱鞋的。
What some cultures take their shoes off.
这是黑人的习惯吗？
Is that a black thing?
我的意思是，如果你家有地毯，大概就不会。
I mean, if you got carpet, probably not.
我不知道你这是什么问题，老兄。
I don't know what kind of question, man.
我只是想了解文化方面的差异。
Because I just wanna know culturally.
拉丁人呢？
Do Latins
你是在想亚洲人之类的事吗？
You're thinking about Asians and stuff?
我只是在想不同的情况，不是。
I'm just thinking different no.
不是。
No.
因为亚洲人众所周知会
Because Asians famously
亚洲人会脱鞋。
Asians take their shoes off.
东欧人会脱鞋。
Eastern Europeans take their shoes off.
拉丁人会脱鞋吗？
Do Latins take their shoes off?
你就这么穿着脏鞋，到处踩得一塌糊涂。
You just wear your filthy shoes, like, track shit everywhere.
干净的人根本不会穿鞋。
Like, just clean niggas fucking don't have shoes on.
这正是我想说的。
That's what I was gonna say.
不是关于种族。
Not about race.
如果你进屋还穿着鞋，你就是个邋遢的混蛋。
You're just a dirty motherfucker if you got shoes not in the
屋里。
house.
你不应该把脏东西带进屋里。
Shouldn't be tracking your shit through the house.
克里斯汀，你在屋里穿鞋吗？
Do you got shoes on in the house, Christine?
从来不穿。
Never.
好吧。
Okay.
你看，匈牙利人穿的是皮拖鞋。
Well, there you go, Hungarians have paputs.
你在家里时会穿上拖鞋。
You put on your slippers when you're in the house.
你实际上会把所有衣服都脱掉。
You take off all your clothes, actually.
换上家居服，这样就不会把脏东西带进来。
Change into home clothes so you don't bring in the filth in.
是的
Yeah.
外衣
Outside clothes.
我做不到。
I can't.
这太脏了。
It's disgusting.
但有些美国人真是邋遢，我跟你说。
But some people dirty Americans, I'm telling you.
对吧？
Right?
是的
Yeah.
到处乱走。
Walk all over.
佐罗，你们家在家会脱鞋吗？
Zolo, did your family take shoes off in the house?
不会。
No.
绝对不脱。
Definitely not.
你光着脚走来走去？
You walked around?
是的。
Yeah.
呃。
Ugh.
是的。
Yeah.
对。
Right.
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